Essence
I shall be at peace when the lion within can lie down with the lamb.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Sleep, Eat, Sleep
Well now! I just slept at least 11 hours... I was well on my way to an all day -sleep,,, but my friend knocked on the door to say she made breakfast for me.
I am thinking htat was very sweet of her to do.
I almost want to decline and go back to bed. However,, I will get up... perhaps Noah needs in his room?
Alot of pain today,,, gotta wait and see how it stretches out before I can figure how excited I will be with Addy.
What a gift to be here...
~J~
I am thinking htat was very sweet of her to do.
I almost want to decline and go back to bed. However,, I will get up... perhaps Noah needs in his room?
Alot of pain today,,, gotta wait and see how it stretches out before I can figure how excited I will be with Addy.
What a gift to be here...
~J~
Friday, October 8, 2010
G-O
One of my happy times is tonight,,, he loves me so unconditionally.
New Best Friend
Two little boys on the Deerfield Beach named Solomon and Gideon. We met at the foot wash spigot. Gideon said he liked his pizza cuz it was crunchy. His mom absently said ok,, he said, "Know why? Cause it's got sand on it."I laughed so deep!! I told the mom that my girls are 21 & 24 and that I was enjoying the surrogate of the little ones today.
She responded without hesitation, "You look too GOOD to have kids that old!"
Okay Nanci Jane Brillant,,,, meet my new best friend!
Was enamored of the little girl, about 4 years old in her turquoise tutu,,, catching waves in her matching little flower water pot. Oh! To have the sweet faith of a child that her tiny pot will hold enough water from the ocean to make a difference to that huge pile of beach sand!
Made my throat ache in the sweet innocence of a babe.
Then there was the little 2 yr old boy, Noah. His granddad would pick him up boogie board and all,, walk out into the breakers and send him off! that little guy just WWWHHHEEEEEEEE all the way into shore bobbing up and down on that styrofaom board.
What an incredible day.....
Heart hurting, in a bittersweet ahhhhh....
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Won't You Be My Neighbor
then there's the ancient old white-legged old man wearing what can only be his wife's floweredy shorts for swim trunks???? Laughed at that one!!
The mom screeching at her 2 young sons "I told you not to get wet!" Huuuhello!!! It's high tide at the Atlantic ocean? Who is the grown up here? And why are you in my listening space?
With tide coming in? Suddenly the 6-8 lines of surfing breakers have blended to 2 solid aggravated line of roiling white foam and ocean spittle.
Think I will use my remaining parking meter time allowed to walk the shore SLeep is chased away by Mother Of The Year and her loud rant :-/
been an unwinding 4 hours.... great time utilization! Feeling pretty good about things.
Noticing the chill creeping into the dusk air as the sun flirts with the palm trees in its mad descent to the horizon.
Friday 5pm traffic should be calmed down by the time my meter runs out. There was a method to my madness at those 2 extra quarters :)
Happy, relaxed,
Jan M. Olsen
~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone
Banks Are Overflowing
I was in wal-mart getting fresh sunscreen when I got a text that cheered my whole day. My next stop was to be the hotel by the beach. Was going to go ahead and rent it so I wouldn't be paying parking meters elsewhere paying double duty.
The text was from the family that has my dog, Addy. It specifically asked "would you like to stay here in Noah's room for FREE?" This is a minimum savings of $100 for two nights in a hotel. I don't need much. Shower, bed, and Addy-O.
While at the beach, I went into the water up to my shoulders and just bobbed along. Cooling my inner core, taking stress off my joints. I could sleep or even live floating in the water!!!
On the shore, practiced deliberate deep breathing. Made me yawn! LOL... Liked it though. The more I do it,,,the more areas I seem to be able to expand...
Then I just FEEL the beach scene...the slick suntan oil, the fruity coconut smell, the drying wind. I put my lounger IN the ocean. Filtered the wet mud through my fingers and squeezed trying to hold a wave on the sand!
I have pretty feet and I enjoyed walking the lap line and noticing how the foot flexes in a step motion and curls into the sand as it rolls out of a step.
The age-old smooth worn shells, caused by friction and wear. The flock of pigeons cooing at my feet foraging.
I can hear single drops of spray....feel my hair lifting in the breeze. Burned my feet on the pavement like a preschooler. Swam some more =-) Snoozed.
Found a pair of Gucci sunglasses in the surf. Probably expensive, equalized by their freedom from their owner.
So, I breathed in deeply again, curious what was next. Not sure where Time will take me, but it's a wonderful ride!
Experiencing all that I can.
Jan M.Olsen
Sent Urom my Verizon Wireless mobile phone
The text was from the family that has my dog, Addy. It specifically asked "would you like to stay here in Noah's room for FREE?" This is a minimum savings of $100 for two nights in a hotel. I don't need much. Shower, bed, and Addy-O.
While at the beach, I went into the water up to my shoulders and just bobbed along. Cooling my inner core, taking stress off my joints. I could sleep or even live floating in the water!!!
On the shore, practiced deliberate deep breathing. Made me yawn! LOL... Liked it though. The more I do it,,,the more areas I seem to be able to expand...
Then I just FEEL the beach scene...the slick suntan oil, the fruity coconut smell, the drying wind. I put my lounger IN the ocean. Filtered the wet mud through my fingers and squeezed trying to hold a wave on the sand!
I have pretty feet and I enjoyed walking the lap line and noticing how the foot flexes in a step motion and curls into the sand as it rolls out of a step.
The age-old smooth worn shells, caused by friction and wear. The flock of pigeons cooing at my feet foraging.
I can hear single drops of spray....feel my hair lifting in the breeze. Burned my feet on the pavement like a preschooler. Swam some more =-) Snoozed.
Found a pair of Gucci sunglasses in the surf. Probably expensive, equalized by their freedom from their owner.
So, I breathed in deeply again, curious what was next. Not sure where Time will take me, but it's a wonderful ride!
Experiencing all that I can.
Jan M.Olsen
Sent Urom my Verizon Wireless mobile phone
HE Speaks!
Walking from my truck the half mile or so to my car, as droopy as I feel, my two backpacks seemed made of lead. Like a mule I slogged along, unmindful of the gorgeous SoFL day!
In the lot where my car rests, I had to notice the screams & cacaphony overhead. Looking up I saw a a massive osprey nest. Judging from the racket, there is an entire battalion of young birds in there!! Whew! It was LOUD!!
As I gott underneath, and snapped a mobile photo, the noise abruptly ceased! Not a rustle or peep!! I was an unknown threat to that majestic family.
In the lot where my car rests, I had to notice the screams & cacaphony overhead. Looking up I saw a a massive osprey nest. Judging from the racket, there is an entire battalion of young birds in there!! Whew! It was LOUD!!
As I gott underneath, and snapped a mobile photo, the noise abruptly ceased! Not a rustle or peep!! I was an unknown threat to that majestic family.
It called to mind the story of old how God feeds the birds even though they do not sow. And he clothes the lilies in fine array, though they neither toil nor spin.How much more mindful is he of the cries and needs of his creation that he fashioned in his image and breathed into man's nostrils his own breath.
I stayed a few minutes, noticing the feel of the warm day, the scents on the breeze, and the sudden eerie silence from that nest.
God loves me. He knows exactly where I am in all ways. He knows what I can bear, and what it will take for HIM to receive all glory and praise.
I choose - let everything that hath breath, praise ye the Lord. WHO AM I THAT HE IS MINDFUL OF ME? I am his own.
Resting in the arms of safety and love,
Jan M.Olsen
Jan M.Olsen
~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone
Sea Of Tranquility
"Come now, oh friend, and sail with me
Upon the tranquil, calming sea.
I search not for a chest of gold
Not for fine pearls or treasure olde;
I search instead for that which we
Will find now in Tranquility. . .
--- Thomas Kinkade
Dreaming big heart size dreams! Daring to hope! To stretch forth my hand in love and offer my peace and joy findings with those most dear.
Two weeks from today I get to see, hold, hear,, Alisha again. And Jeremiah and his NanaJ will find at least 5 minutes apart where I may pray over him. Annoint him. Set him on his way to finding his own relationship with his Saviour. I will tell him the world is his for the taking, to dream big, and never settle for second best. I wil instruct him to honor and obey both of his parents and to kiss his momma in the ear every now and then,, she will pretend to dry it out and say "Stop Hisssssssing in my Ears!"
Sending my love to Angel also. I won't get to see her after all. She needs a hug too.
Hoping to pick Addy up and snuggle. Truly man's best friend,, he makes a good laugh and cry pillow.
Purposing to love, laugh and dream! Enjoy the weekend! I am home for church! God is good!
Blessed and happy, daring to hope,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Davy Crockett???
GUESS WHAT?!?!?!
just blindside backed into this warehouse around steel supportt beams... with only a teensy bit of sleep!
Guess what?! GUESS WHAT?! GUESS WHAT?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!
I was NOT allowed to go park! Instead, I am being reloaded at a Waste Management place in Pembroke Pines, then I get to park the loaded trailer and semi allllll weekend!!
I get to be in church Sunday (class and all!!!) and leave during the night Sunday taking the load to Mobile, Alabama by midnight Monday!
So GUESS WHAT ELSE????
When I first got this word??? I immediately arranged to pick up my dog for a visit!!!! Gonna get a hotel room Fri & Saturday night close to church!!
Going to the beach today,, put my chair IN the water and SLEEP like a board....
Pick Addy up tonite,,, take him hiking tomorrow in the Glades,,,
AND GUESS WHAT ELSE??????
I AM ARRANGING WITH ANGELITA THAT if she is out of school on Monday??? I am going to FLY HER from Tampa to Ft. Laud airport ( a mere 7 miles from my hideout)...
spend the weekend loving life with my lady bugs,,, then drop her back in Tampa on my way up I-75 to I-10 for Mobile!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Guess how I am feeling right about now?????
oh yeah, and another thing?? I AM NOT GOING TO THE DOCTOR IN ORLANDO ON MONDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i''m gonna take a week off from those evil shots!!!!!!!!!!!!
they don't work anyway,,, and ,, well, I just am.
Still need deep sleep today to make this work for me ,,,, that is my prayer for myself is for every hour I sleep, God restore me 3 hrs worth!!
100 % ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE RIGHT NOW!!
Had a kid's song playing in my spirit since dawn today ,,, it says “God's love is like a boomerang,, you give it away it comes back again”,,, and it's like LambChop's never ending song,,,,
WAHOO!!!!!!
a weekend off, see my kid and my mutt,, church,,, and no stinking doctors screwing up my mojo!!
WAHOO!!!!!!!!
happy happy happy,
Jan
High Points
Two of the greatest treasures of being a truck driver happens in the next 5 minutes from RIGHT NOW!
That is the simple joy I derive from crossing a bridge. Second is the anticpation & fulfillment of crresting a ridge in time to see the city nightscape in all its radiant lights of glory!
Bridges themselves fascinate the dreamer & optimist in me. A man sat on one side of a great divide, of a fixed gulf, of an impasse of water, mountain or land and he pondered in hi heart " I wonder what would happen if...... ?"
He gave feet to his query and wings to his wonder. One brick at a time, he forged a ramp to span the void.
Walls are painful, locking the builder inside with all their fear & hurts. Bridges foster hope of what is on the other side of the dream.
Also, the twinkling lights of any city stirs this Country Mouse's heart and enthusiasm.
Who will you be today?
A carpenter of dividing walls? A villain of mistrust and abuse?
Or an engineer of hopes & dreams? A facilitator of reconcilliation & and blessing?
As for me? If I can dream it? i can build it.
Stretching forward,
Jan M. Olsen
~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone
That is the simple joy I derive from crossing a bridge. Second is the anticpation & fulfillment of crresting a ridge in time to see the city nightscape in all its radiant lights of glory!
Bridges themselves fascinate the dreamer & optimist in me. A man sat on one side of a great divide, of a fixed gulf, of an impasse of water, mountain or land and he pondered in hi heart " I wonder what would happen if...... ?"
He gave feet to his query and wings to his wonder. One brick at a time, he forged a ramp to span the void.
Walls are painful, locking the builder inside with all their fear & hurts. Bridges foster hope of what is on the other side of the dream.
Also, the twinkling lights of any city stirs this Country Mouse's heart and enthusiasm.
Who will you be today?
A carpenter of dividing walls? A villain of mistrust and abuse?
Or an engineer of hopes & dreams? A facilitator of reconcilliation & and blessing?
As for me? If I can dream it? i can build it.
Stretching forward,
Jan M. Olsen
~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Up and At 'Em
Well, I finally got 3 hours of sleep in the middle of the day, evening. Then at 10:30pm, my alarm rang. I got up from a dead sleep to get dressed. The other driver would be here with my relay load any moment.
JUst the movement of vertigo from lying down to an upright position and I was sick all over the place!! Those medicines I take by injection each week are dastardly evil and often I can not take the anti-emitic if I am going to drive as it makes me drowsy.
On a scale of 1-10 the fever and pain tonight is a 7 or 8.
All my joints, not just my upper body are affected.
Then I lay back down fully dressed. Th edriver arrived about 11pm,, and I have been up fueling, connecting to the trailer, etc. Very nauseous, alot of pain,,, fatigue.
this wil be a rough night.
I have been practicing better breathing and feeling skills. Unfortunately,, not enough that they are the dominant habit yet. I can't get a grip on the pain or queasy ness.
I have to drive 350 miles to Miami immediately.
The load, once dropped and hooked to an empty trailer, I will be going to Sunrise to my culdesac, park my rig, switch to my car, go to the church,, then most likely, go to the truck, climb in bed and sleep like Rip Van Winkle.
On a differing note- I did make the effort to breathe (deliberately) ,,, and while I do not feel cured, I did find strength to look UP! The sky is clear, the stars very visible in all their formations.
I am grateful to be alive. at all. Each day is a gift. What will I give back in return?
My drive will consist of 6-7 hours of fervent prayers and interceding for others,,,, through this God sustains me as well. Focus wil be off of my body and its limitations, and on the greatness of allmighty, Sovereign God.
By concentrating on OTHERS I will feel better, more blessed, more gratitude, and less of the infirmities of this mortal and weary flesh.
GOD WILL HEAL ME!
I am alive!!!! I am able to work!! I am blessed with a job I love that seems tailored to my specific needs and schedule!!!! I even showered before I lay down to nap, so I COULD just tuck and roll ,,, and the shower 3 days in a row>?>?? I am grateful for the running water and hot temperatures, ended by the cool rinse.
This is already tomorrow,, at 12:01am, Friday,, I start my workday,,,,
Blessed and honored to be alive.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
JUst the movement of vertigo from lying down to an upright position and I was sick all over the place!! Those medicines I take by injection each week are dastardly evil and often I can not take the anti-emitic if I am going to drive as it makes me drowsy.
On a scale of 1-10 the fever and pain tonight is a 7 or 8.
All my joints, not just my upper body are affected.
Then I lay back down fully dressed. Th edriver arrived about 11pm,, and I have been up fueling, connecting to the trailer, etc. Very nauseous, alot of pain,,, fatigue.
this wil be a rough night.
I have been practicing better breathing and feeling skills. Unfortunately,, not enough that they are the dominant habit yet. I can't get a grip on the pain or queasy ness.
I have to drive 350 miles to Miami immediately.
The load, once dropped and hooked to an empty trailer, I will be going to Sunrise to my culdesac, park my rig, switch to my car, go to the church,, then most likely, go to the truck, climb in bed and sleep like Rip Van Winkle.
On a differing note- I did make the effort to breathe (deliberately) ,,, and while I do not feel cured, I did find strength to look UP! The sky is clear, the stars very visible in all their formations.
I am grateful to be alive. at all. Each day is a gift. What will I give back in return?
My drive will consist of 6-7 hours of fervent prayers and interceding for others,,,, through this God sustains me as well. Focus wil be off of my body and its limitations, and on the greatness of allmighty, Sovereign God.
By concentrating on OTHERS I will feel better, more blessed, more gratitude, and less of the infirmities of this mortal and weary flesh.
GOD WILL HEAL ME!
I am alive!!!! I am able to work!! I am blessed with a job I love that seems tailored to my specific needs and schedule!!!! I even showered before I lay down to nap, so I COULD just tuck and roll ,,, and the shower 3 days in a row>?>?? I am grateful for the running water and hot temperatures, ended by the cool rinse.
This is already tomorrow,, at 12:01am, Friday,, I start my workday,,,,
Blessed and honored to be alive.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Is it a long day or a hard day when I am too tired to sleep, unsafe to stay awake?
While flattering to be the Lil' Darling of the terminal drivers, mechanics, and staff here in Jacksonville, it is also a bit of a burden.
I've noticed people that encounter me ask questions that can all fit in 3 categories, and the last one relates to the first.
1) Let's talk about our beliefs. Our faith. About the LORD.
2) Wanna go out with me?
3) Why are you always smiling? Every time I see you from across the Yard, I know it is you from your SMILE.
The head mechanic gave me his phone number today to call or text anytime. We were discussing if we are okay as men and women to go have wings & things together off-campus.
Kinda leery after JJ to mix work and personal life.
Eric did say something pretty cool that at least hinted to the man inside the uniform. He told me "right up front, I need to tell you I am separated. I haven't been with my wife in a year, but we are not divorced yet."
While, relationship wise that is a dead end RED FLAG, like I told him right back, "Eric, up front let me tell you, I am not dating you or anyone. If two friends want to go share a meal and fellowship, then that is fine. I however am content with my dog."
So he gave me the number. He wrote it down,,, so far, I have not put it into my phone. I could ask him to take me to dinner tonight, since I am here until 11pm waiting on a load to arrive.
However, I am going to be kinder to myself than that - - - -this lil darlin is going to bed in about 5 minutes!
While flattering to be the Lil' Darling of the terminal drivers, mechanics, and staff here in Jacksonville, it is also a bit of a burden.
I've noticed people that encounter me ask questions that can all fit in 3 categories, and the last one relates to the first.
1) Let's talk about our beliefs. Our faith. About the LORD.
2) Wanna go out with me?
3) Why are you always smiling? Every time I see you from across the Yard, I know it is you from your SMILE.
The head mechanic gave me his phone number today to call or text anytime. We were discussing if we are okay as men and women to go have wings & things together off-campus.
Kinda leery after JJ to mix work and personal life.
Eric did say something pretty cool that at least hinted to the man inside the uniform. He told me "right up front, I need to tell you I am separated. I haven't been with my wife in a year, but we are not divorced yet."
While, relationship wise that is a dead end RED FLAG, like I told him right back, "Eric, up front let me tell you, I am not dating you or anyone. If two friends want to go share a meal and fellowship, then that is fine. I however am content with my dog."
So he gave me the number. He wrote it down,,, so far, I have not put it into my phone. I could ask him to take me to dinner tonight, since I am here until 11pm waiting on a load to arrive.
However, I am going to be kinder to myself than that - - - -this lil darlin is going to bed in about 5 minutes!
I Must Declare
I can't fight this feeling any longer, Yet, I'm still afraid to let it flow. What started out as friendship has grown stronger. I only wish I had the strength to let it show.
I tell myself that I can't hold out forever. I say there is no reason for my fear.,'Cause I feel so secure when we're together. You give my life direction, you make eveything so clear.
Even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight. You're a candle in the window on a cold dark winter's night. And I'm getting closer than I ever though I might.
Just gotta say it out loud, here and in the flesh with my voice, but IBD? I love you. I always have, always will. The fact that you love me, and that I can't take myself out of your love, does give me sustenance to carry on.
Even though we each resist successfully the sweetness of surrender, please know, you are dear to me and I am grateful you are in the threads of who I am and who I will be. I will never be able to succeed in the future without remembering the love and rock steady support you have girded me with.
When I conquer the evil, when I let light and purpose shine and glory, you my warrior, my Sir Isaac, will be found in the framework of my foundations. You've led me to a greater knowledge and acceptance of who Jesus is and his unconditional love,, even for unworthy lost fools like me.
Of all I have ever known or will meet, I realize that you cherish me. That means alot to know.
You are a majestic eagle, and I merely an ugly brown wren. But as Angel Bugs says, you are just a good man with a great God. Amen.
I do love you. That is why I do not lay a claim or connect to you in the only areas we have yet to explore. Let us keep our beauty and virtue where it stands now, blameless before an holy God.
My dear, you are true, I do belong in your embrace. And MAN! Do I wish we were able to stay in that joyous moment we experience when we connect and love together.
And when you sing, clear and annointed, yes my dear, you sing with the voice of an angel. Your accapella tones stride clear and pure. Your song breaks my heart to hear it, as I weep inside that I can not abide there and listen to you forever.
I love how the spirit in me, connects with the spirit in you. We can pray as two people side by side, and share one conversation with God as our center, each complementing each other in thought, words, and actions.
You ARE the measure of a man,,, and I will walk the rest of my life knowing that the guys that pass through either do not come up to where you are and the standard of a Godly man, or that I have settled for far less than either of us deserve.
I'd rather hold myself apart than to settle.... and so,,, like two ships passing in the night, I salute you and the beacon you are for me.
I tell myself that I can't hold out forever. I say there is no reason for my fear.,'Cause I feel so secure when we're together. You give my life direction, you make eveything so clear.
Even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight. You're a candle in the window on a cold dark winter's night. And I'm getting closer than I ever though I might.
Just gotta say it out loud, here and in the flesh with my voice, but IBD? I love you. I always have, always will. The fact that you love me, and that I can't take myself out of your love, does give me sustenance to carry on.
Even though we each resist successfully the sweetness of surrender, please know, you are dear to me and I am grateful you are in the threads of who I am and who I will be. I will never be able to succeed in the future without remembering the love and rock steady support you have girded me with.
When I conquer the evil, when I let light and purpose shine and glory, you my warrior, my Sir Isaac, will be found in the framework of my foundations. You've led me to a greater knowledge and acceptance of who Jesus is and his unconditional love,, even for unworthy lost fools like me.
Of all I have ever known or will meet, I realize that you cherish me. That means alot to know.
You are a majestic eagle, and I merely an ugly brown wren. But as Angel Bugs says, you are just a good man with a great God. Amen.
I do love you. That is why I do not lay a claim or connect to you in the only areas we have yet to explore. Let us keep our beauty and virtue where it stands now, blameless before an holy God.
My dear, you are true, I do belong in your embrace. And MAN! Do I wish we were able to stay in that joyous moment we experience when we connect and love together.
And when you sing, clear and annointed, yes my dear, you sing with the voice of an angel. Your accapella tones stride clear and pure. Your song breaks my heart to hear it, as I weep inside that I can not abide there and listen to you forever.
I love how the spirit in me, connects with the spirit in you. We can pray as two people side by side, and share one conversation with God as our center, each complementing each other in thought, words, and actions.
You ARE the measure of a man,,, and I will walk the rest of my life knowing that the guys that pass through either do not come up to where you are and the standard of a Godly man, or that I have settled for far less than either of us deserve.
I'd rather hold myself apart than to settle.... and so,,, like two ships passing in the night, I salute you and the beacon you are for me.
If only I had the courage to turn my ship in to the shore, and give away my oars forever?
There has never been another for whom this song fulfills.
I love you.
click link below:
click link below:
Your Jan,
~J~
In Need
Please pray for me. I am one tired pup. Several days of 3-4 hours sleep at night. Today, have to flip. Was not able to drive due to fever today,, now I have to drive overnight.
I should go to sleep. but it is 4:40pm and clear blue skies. I have to drive 9pm-3am and then come right back up to Jacksonville to be in position for a load going South on Saturday. Otherwise, I won't be home for Sunday school. That is not an option.
Been a beautiful day weather wise. Also, spent tremendous hours in personal study and meditation on choices and direction.
Spoke to Angela several times today, so wonderful to be in this moment of our lives. Needing an Alisha and Jeremiah fix, but she works harder than I do.
something is "off" and not sure what.. maybe sleep will right the kilter??
Blessed,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
I should go to sleep. but it is 4:40pm and clear blue skies. I have to drive 9pm-3am and then come right back up to Jacksonville to be in position for a load going South on Saturday. Otherwise, I won't be home for Sunday school. That is not an option.
Been a beautiful day weather wise. Also, spent tremendous hours in personal study and meditation on choices and direction.
Spoke to Angela several times today, so wonderful to be in this moment of our lives. Needing an Alisha and Jeremiah fix, but she works harder than I do.
something is "off" and not sure what.. maybe sleep will right the kilter??
Blessed,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
OH WOW... soft wow,,,, LOUD WOW!!!!
Tim Janis " Music For The Heart" gift set,,, all of his music in one collection!!!
What a gift to myself,,,, maybe I will one day :-)
Over 20 hours, 427 of his songs in one collection.... not even the cost of 10 cds individually.
Broken
With my love and my sadness
I come before You Lord
My heart’s in a thousand pieces
Maybe even more
Yet I trust in this moment
You’re with me somehow
And You’ve always been faithful
So Lord even now
When all that I can sing
Is a broken hallelujah
When my only offering
Is shattered praise
Still a song of adoration
Will rise up from these ruins
I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise
Is a broken hallelujah
Oh Father, You have given
Much more than I deserve
And I have felt Your hand of blessing
On me at every turn
How could I doubt Your goodness
Your wisdom, Your grace
So Lord hear my heart
In this painful place
Hallelujah
I lift my voice
Your Spirit moves
I raise my hands
I reach for You
Broken Hallelujah-Freedom(Psalm 42:1-5, Acts 16:22-25a)
Behind the Song:
“Broken Hallelujah” is one of the most moving songs I have ever heard. I believe that there is a presence of the Lord that comes when we as believers offer up a sacrifice of praise and I think that when things are not going the best, when our circumstances could not look worse, I think that when we offer up a Hallelujah to the Lord that that honors him more than any other thing. And so “Broken Hallelujah” is a song that mirrors the power that can happen when we as believers lift up that sacrifice of worship to His name." - Mandisa
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Where do I go from here? There's such surrender in arms lifted high, eyes closed. Such trust. even in those around you.
Jan
~J~
by Mandisa
I come before You Lord
My heart’s in a thousand pieces
Maybe even more
Yet I trust in this moment
You’re with me somehow
And You’ve always been faithful
So Lord even now
When all that I can sing
Is a broken hallelujah
When my only offering
Is shattered praise
Still a song of adoration
Will rise up from these ruins
I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise
Is a broken hallelujah
Oh Father, You have given
Much more than I deserve
And I have felt Your hand of blessing
On me at every turn
How could I doubt Your goodness
Your wisdom, Your grace
So Lord hear my heart
In this painful place
Hallelujah
I lift my voice
Your Spirit moves
I raise my hands
I reach for You
Broken Hallelujah-Freedom(Psalm 42:1-5, Acts 16:22-25a)
Behind the Song:
“Broken Hallelujah” is one of the most moving songs I have ever heard. I believe that there is a presence of the Lord that comes when we as believers offer up a sacrifice of praise and I think that when things are not going the best, when our circumstances could not look worse, I think that when we offer up a Hallelujah to the Lord that that honors him more than any other thing. And so “Broken Hallelujah” is a song that mirrors the power that can happen when we as believers lift up that sacrifice of worship to His name." - Mandisa
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Where do I go from here? There's such surrender in arms lifted high, eyes closed. Such trust. even in those around you.
Jan
~J~
by Mandisa
BREAKTHROUGH! In An Audible Voice Of Calm He Dove Into My Sea
From: Jan
To: Mark Hattabaugh
Subject: In an audible still voice of calm he dove into my sea
Date: Jun 20, 2008 11:28 AM
To the Breaking Down of Strongholds
I mentioned in an earlier email how I wish I could be in a place to attend Sunday services. I have culled my IPOD and I have been listening to the 3 Christian stations on my Sirius satellite radio. Familiarizing myself with today’s Contemporary Christian music, I also get a big kick out of the morning preachers and follow them regularly. I realize they may not be Oneness but all the theology or doctrine aside, they bring character studies that are better than the rock music I may play instead. There is one series that gave the word to what I needed.
One of the first things is that I want to tell you I appreciate you and men and women like you. So “you” here refers to a group of people that allow themselves to be sensitive vessels to the discernments and directions the Holy Ghost guides. When God says go pray with someone, sing this, say that, worship Him, you do it. I recognize that the happiness that earned you your nickname is God in you. I want what you have. Is that ok to admit?
It was you, Pastor Hattabaugh, that actually said the phrase that triggered my breakthrough back to God and the Holy Ghost. Sure, I posted a bright orange paper to my steering wheel marked “NEVER FORGET”, but it was something you said before the speaker came up. You talked briefly about the Potter and being put back on the wheel or something like that. This seemingly random, yet God inspired directive was meant for me. It impaled me to my seat like a spear doused in gasoline and set aflame. It burned and it hurt. I couldn’t wait for the speaker to * FINALLY * say the altars were open!!!!!!!! I knew in that instant, as my chest exploded that TONIGHT my self-constructed safety fortress had been hit by a mortar and was rubble.
And yet, there was still something missing. The roof was blown off , but like the walls of Jerico, it has taken time for the entire deliverance from my stronghold to reach fruition. I had been empty. And God instantaneously filled that place inside me. I know I have only yet re-entered an age-old spiritual battle for my soul. As I went forward, I am trying to behave the right way, etc. On the Sirius a ministry called In Touch by Dr. Charles Stanley started a new series June 18th. “Brokenness, the Way to Blessing”. Just the title and I had that whoa, here we go feeling. Yes, God has brought me through a lot. But at some point, ,,, I know when,,, I took myself off the Potter’s wheel, and I said to God, “Here, let me get myself together so I can be worth something to you, then I will come back to you and you can use me however you see fit.” I didn’t do it in rebellion or pride. It was in survival. At that moment, I constructed a layer of defense around my entire being – physical, emotional, spiritual, mental – everything. I did what I had to do to survive abuse and injury. I kept the abuse so close to my vest that I don’t think even people like you knew what I went home to when I left the campground or service. I musta been good at it.(not to say look at me,,,, more to say, no one saw me at all) I coached quizzing four years, went to Nationals twice, helped in the dorm at camp 3 or 4 years, all that, and no one noticed I was drowning. I think Bro. Boyd sensed something and I believe if Bro. Lipham had known the abuse beyond the infidelity, he would have taken my ex to hand himself.
June 18th message link , the beginning of the series and the one that touched me so deeply
http://www.intouch.org/site/c.dhKHIXPKIuE/b.2295509/k.9338/Audio_Archives.html
Dr. Stanley quickly told us to ask the question “What is it we are holding onto? What is holding us together”? Instantly, I was given the phrase by the Holy Ghost of *self-reliance*. I wrote it on the notebook I keep for just such reasons on my dash. And I circled it. Doggone if that wasn’t one of his first examples… talk about confirmation? Words that I use to describe me and my safety mechanisms, like determined, driven, etc. He said, “Holding on, I lose. Letting go, I win.” He said the listener may be feeling conviction over some area God has just zeroed in on, and it is written across our mind and circled in red. He was so right on the money I was looking around to see if he was in the rig with me, LOL.
I eagerly waited for today’s installment, but it passed in a blur. I was deep in thought. When Focus on the Family is over I switch to music channels. I began to pray the way I often do, just chatting with God. Then I heard a voice as audible as a conversation between two people could be, “ Turn it off.”
Startled me, so I was, “Yes, Sir, right away, Sir”.
God said, “Now, Let’s try this again. What were you saying just now?”
I really felt like I should be taking my shoes off or something, I was so definitely in God’s presence on holy ground. Driving no less.
What happened next is very personal and hard to tell in black and white text. I can say that I bet I alarmed passing motorists if they happened to look up and saw me weeping and talking aloud. I have been unable to cry, yet, here I was. I am driving an 80000 pound bomb. But God asked me not to stop driving yet. Hmm? I drove 1,800 miles from Denver, Co to Holcomb, KS, to Denver, PA in 3 ½ days. And God chose this moment at 11:05am on a Thursday to finish the work in me he began in Cooper City two weeks ago. Sigh,,,
Man, once the tear dam broke the night I prayed back through, there seems to be no relief in sight. Even now. Good thing screens don’t smear when a drop splashes on the words.
In a continuation of my repentance prayer two weeks ago at the altar, I told God how I was sorry I had ever walked away. I even got to the point for the very first time in my life,, I didn’t think this could happen, but I told God that as much as I love Angel and Alisha, if I never see them again, hear their voice, hug their neck,, if Alisha somehow doesn’t’ know how much I love her, if I never get to worship with them again, that I will still serve him. If it means I am alone in loving him, then let it be. I felt so free right then, it was amazing. I gave the girls and all my love for them,, to God. Whew…..
Need to fill in a gap right quick so the next part will make sense. I love my parents and I am at peace with them. But they both said something to me over the years that cut me to the quick. All my life growing up, I was a daddy’s girl. Around a bout junior high, he began telling me, “I love you, but I do not like you very much right now.” OH!! That defined how I saw myself. And my Mom told me a few years ago she was, “Proud of me”. That’s seems innocuous enough, right? But in context, it hurt and angered me. So all this is going on in my conversation with God today. How can my mom say she is proud of me? She doesn’t even **KNOW*** me !!!!!!!!!! She is proud because I didn’t go loose sleeping around or into drugs after my divorce like so many of my cousins did. She’s proud because I supported me and the girls I didn’t’ ask them for money at all. What the heck is that to be proud of? Proud because I worked harder not smarter? Give me a break!
It’s true, I didn’t get sexually loose. I had one boyfriend for 2 ½ years. He was the love of my life. But he was not Apostolic. So when he asked me two different times to marry him, even while I was out in the world, I said no, because I knew I couldn’t unequally yoke with him. Marriage to me is a forever thing, and I couldn’t commit when I knew he had no plan to surrender to God. I knew I would come back. I tried pot 4 times in my adult life and it made me sick as a dog each time. The fitness trainer and the two times I tried coke,, were the only other occasions. Otherwise, she was right, no one since my husband. That is largely because when Angel read Josh Harris’ book, “I Kiss Dating Goodbye” I read it too so we could talk about it. The part about giving pieces of yourself away perfectly describes the emptiness casual sex entails. I am perfectly normal, it doesn't mean I am without temptation. But spiritual bankruptcy is enough to bear on its own without personal void too.
Not too long ago, as my Dad hugged me bye after a visit, he whispered in my ear, “I know what I said about loving you but not liking you. I just want to say that I like you now.” Great…. It was… but …..
Here I was today, praying, surrendering,,, I’ve done all that before. Then God asked me, “Why aren’t you on the wheel?” Your words came back to me, And I had this light shine into my soul illuminating my every fear, every concern, every tear uncried,,,,, and I lost it. Running was over. I had to give an honest account. “I took myself off the wheel. I wanted you to be proud of me. I thought if I got strong, then you could shape what was left and then use me.” (not to say, see my works,,, not at all,,, that was NEVER it!) See, that used to be my regular prayer, in Auburndale, I prayed and visualized MANY times of God shaping me, molding me, squeezing me into a blob and starting over, refining me. I know the exact moment I committed my sin.
For me, it wasn’t enough to be loved. Dad could do that. I needed to be someone God could be proud of. Then he could love me for a reason. Ah,,,, I needed to fix myself and present myself to God because all I have ever wanted was to be God’s vessel, to serve, preferably quietly in the background. I wasn’t enough for my folks growing up. Wasn’t worth my Mom protecting me over and over and over again, couldn’t get it right with my Dad, Mom wasn’t even around, leaving me to raise Michael at too young an age while she went to college and worked and slept. They signed for me to marry at 16,,,, did they even care? I was bound by a silly Southern code of honor, “Don’t make mom cry.” I was six year s old,,, why did I have to have that job of protecting her?
Brokenness.
I want to be on the Potter’s wheel. I don’t want to be solely responsible for making life work all the time. That’s exhausting. And it’s never, ever, ever e-n-o-u-g-h.
God and I got this far in today’s conversation, kids, parents, potter’s wheels, the Past, my desire to serve….
I am very aware of my past. The mistakes I have made, the wrongs, abuses and hurts I encountered. But I am not afraid. I choose to see the good in people. And I only need those events to give me compassion, clarity when it comes to testifying how in spite of it all, God is able, present, and willing to be my savior, lover of my soul, father and groom. I am proof, God forgives a multitude of sins and loves us still. I stopped for a pit break. But I was still red from crying and people looked at me funny as I stood staring at the map. I stopped long enough to take another aspirin to push the headache just below nausea level and got back on the road. I was very close to my receiver.
At the altar last week one of the things God revealed to me was that he had been with me in every dark, painful event and moment. Every last one of them, he showed me one by one and let me see him there.
Today, He let me see him, he told me how it hurt him the day I said I was getting off the wheel that I needed to fix some things on my own. I told him I was so very sorry I had ever hurt him, rejected him. Only then did He allowed me to see himself. Oh Brother Hattabaugh, he was weeping with me over the years. Sometimes he did my crying for me when I couldn’t. Today? He caught my tears and let them roll across his palm.
One more time, just when I thought I was as limp as I could be, God audibly said, “And?”
And what, God?!?!?!
I pray all the time for God to prepare the boy for each of my girls, to start as children, and to prepare my girls to be who God has them to be as a mate. Sometimes, I even pray it for myself, God please be working on molding a guy for me, and me for him. I realize though, I am not allowed to remarry. Ole is on wife #3, but I am to be single.
What God asked me today was, if I would let him be enough? Forever. My everything. I thought that was a no-brainer. But he specified details ,,, he is to be my everything. Period. If it becomes “forever”? he still demands to be my all, my everything. End of discussion.
I am young, and full of life. This is a lot to ask. But I see now, what choice is there, really? This isn’t a multiple choice question with D being: I don’t like the above choices. There never has been option B,,, it was supposed to have been God all along. I had some repenting to do there too.
What could be an interminably lonely place for me? Just became very FULL! There’s no room in my life for another,,,, not even my girls … in a sense. That is very sobering and awe inspiring.
I am out of steam, so to sum it up, God allowed me to be broken until I came today to the knowledge and acceptance of who Jesus really is and of what it really means to be full of the spirit of God. He is stern though, he is to be the only one filling me and I can no longer be provider or protector. It has to be him, or nothing. There was no room for negotiation. I take all of him in me, and I cease to exist as Janet Marie Olsen, or he will not continue to settle with halfway. If he never uses me in service to him, if I never see or love my girls again, if I am to remain single until my last breath here on earth, I am now required to be Jesus’ only. To coin a phrase of the 70’s? “That’s heavy, man.”
All or nothing at all. Wow,,,
Jan Olsen
II John v.12
To: Mark Hattabaugh
Subject: In an audible still voice of calm he dove into my sea
Date: Jun 20, 2008 11:28 AM
To the Breaking Down of Strongholds
I mentioned in an earlier email how I wish I could be in a place to attend Sunday services. I have culled my IPOD and I have been listening to the 3 Christian stations on my Sirius satellite radio. Familiarizing myself with today’s Contemporary Christian music, I also get a big kick out of the morning preachers and follow them regularly. I realize they may not be Oneness but all the theology or doctrine aside, they bring character studies that are better than the rock music I may play instead. There is one series that gave the word to what I needed.
One of the first things is that I want to tell you I appreciate you and men and women like you. So “you” here refers to a group of people that allow themselves to be sensitive vessels to the discernments and directions the Holy Ghost guides. When God says go pray with someone, sing this, say that, worship Him, you do it. I recognize that the happiness that earned you your nickname is God in you. I want what you have. Is that ok to admit?
It was you, Pastor Hattabaugh, that actually said the phrase that triggered my breakthrough back to God and the Holy Ghost. Sure, I posted a bright orange paper to my steering wheel marked “NEVER FORGET”, but it was something you said before the speaker came up. You talked briefly about the Potter and being put back on the wheel or something like that. This seemingly random, yet God inspired directive was meant for me. It impaled me to my seat like a spear doused in gasoline and set aflame. It burned and it hurt. I couldn’t wait for the speaker to * FINALLY * say the altars were open!!!!!!!! I knew in that instant, as my chest exploded that TONIGHT my self-constructed safety fortress had been hit by a mortar and was rubble.
And yet, there was still something missing. The roof was blown off , but like the walls of Jerico, it has taken time for the entire deliverance from my stronghold to reach fruition. I had been empty. And God instantaneously filled that place inside me. I know I have only yet re-entered an age-old spiritual battle for my soul. As I went forward, I am trying to behave the right way, etc. On the Sirius a ministry called In Touch by Dr. Charles Stanley started a new series June 18th. “Brokenness, the Way to Blessing”. Just the title and I had that whoa, here we go feeling. Yes, God has brought me through a lot. But at some point, ,,, I know when,,, I took myself off the Potter’s wheel, and I said to God, “Here, let me get myself together so I can be worth something to you, then I will come back to you and you can use me however you see fit.” I didn’t do it in rebellion or pride. It was in survival. At that moment, I constructed a layer of defense around my entire being – physical, emotional, spiritual, mental – everything. I did what I had to do to survive abuse and injury. I kept the abuse so close to my vest that I don’t think even people like you knew what I went home to when I left the campground or service. I musta been good at it.(not to say look at me,,,, more to say, no one saw me at all) I coached quizzing four years, went to Nationals twice, helped in the dorm at camp 3 or 4 years, all that, and no one noticed I was drowning. I think Bro. Boyd sensed something and I believe if Bro. Lipham had known the abuse beyond the infidelity, he would have taken my ex to hand himself.
June 18th message link , the beginning of the series and the one that touched me so deeply
http://www.intouch.org/site/c.dhKHIXPKIuE/b.2295509/k.9338/Audio_Archives.html
Dr. Stanley quickly told us to ask the question “What is it we are holding onto? What is holding us together”? Instantly, I was given the phrase by the Holy Ghost of *self-reliance*. I wrote it on the notebook I keep for just such reasons on my dash. And I circled it. Doggone if that wasn’t one of his first examples… talk about confirmation? Words that I use to describe me and my safety mechanisms, like determined, driven, etc. He said, “Holding on, I lose. Letting go, I win.” He said the listener may be feeling conviction over some area God has just zeroed in on, and it is written across our mind and circled in red. He was so right on the money I was looking around to see if he was in the rig with me, LOL.
I eagerly waited for today’s installment, but it passed in a blur. I was deep in thought. When Focus on the Family is over I switch to music channels. I began to pray the way I often do, just chatting with God. Then I heard a voice as audible as a conversation between two people could be, “ Turn it off.”
Startled me, so I was, “Yes, Sir, right away, Sir”.
God said, “Now, Let’s try this again. What were you saying just now?”
I really felt like I should be taking my shoes off or something, I was so definitely in God’s presence on holy ground. Driving no less.
What happened next is very personal and hard to tell in black and white text. I can say that I bet I alarmed passing motorists if they happened to look up and saw me weeping and talking aloud. I have been unable to cry, yet, here I was. I am driving an 80000 pound bomb. But God asked me not to stop driving yet. Hmm? I drove 1,800 miles from Denver, Co to Holcomb, KS, to Denver, PA in 3 ½ days. And God chose this moment at 11:05am on a Thursday to finish the work in me he began in Cooper City two weeks ago. Sigh,,,
Man, once the tear dam broke the night I prayed back through, there seems to be no relief in sight. Even now. Good thing screens don’t smear when a drop splashes on the words.
In a continuation of my repentance prayer two weeks ago at the altar, I told God how I was sorry I had ever walked away. I even got to the point for the very first time in my life,, I didn’t think this could happen, but I told God that as much as I love Angel and Alisha, if I never see them again, hear their voice, hug their neck,, if Alisha somehow doesn’t’ know how much I love her, if I never get to worship with them again, that I will still serve him. If it means I am alone in loving him, then let it be. I felt so free right then, it was amazing. I gave the girls and all my love for them,, to God. Whew…..
Need to fill in a gap right quick so the next part will make sense. I love my parents and I am at peace with them. But they both said something to me over the years that cut me to the quick. All my life growing up, I was a daddy’s girl. Around a bout junior high, he began telling me, “I love you, but I do not like you very much right now.” OH!! That defined how I saw myself. And my Mom told me a few years ago she was, “Proud of me”. That’s seems innocuous enough, right? But in context, it hurt and angered me. So all this is going on in my conversation with God today. How can my mom say she is proud of me? She doesn’t even **KNOW*** me !!!!!!!!!! She is proud because I didn’t go loose sleeping around or into drugs after my divorce like so many of my cousins did. She’s proud because I supported me and the girls I didn’t’ ask them for money at all. What the heck is that to be proud of? Proud because I worked harder not smarter? Give me a break!
It’s true, I didn’t get sexually loose. I had one boyfriend for 2 ½ years. He was the love of my life. But he was not Apostolic. So when he asked me two different times to marry him, even while I was out in the world, I said no, because I knew I couldn’t unequally yoke with him. Marriage to me is a forever thing, and I couldn’t commit when I knew he had no plan to surrender to God. I knew I would come back. I tried pot 4 times in my adult life and it made me sick as a dog each time. The fitness trainer and the two times I tried coke,, were the only other occasions. Otherwise, she was right, no one since my husband. That is largely because when Angel read Josh Harris’ book, “I Kiss Dating Goodbye” I read it too so we could talk about it. The part about giving pieces of yourself away perfectly describes the emptiness casual sex entails. I am perfectly normal, it doesn't mean I am without temptation. But spiritual bankruptcy is enough to bear on its own without personal void too.
Not too long ago, as my Dad hugged me bye after a visit, he whispered in my ear, “I know what I said about loving you but not liking you. I just want to say that I like you now.” Great…. It was… but …..
Here I was today, praying, surrendering,,, I’ve done all that before. Then God asked me, “Why aren’t you on the wheel?” Your words came back to me, And I had this light shine into my soul illuminating my every fear, every concern, every tear uncried,,,,, and I lost it. Running was over. I had to give an honest account. “I took myself off the wheel. I wanted you to be proud of me. I thought if I got strong, then you could shape what was left and then use me.” (not to say, see my works,,, not at all,,, that was NEVER it!) See, that used to be my regular prayer, in Auburndale, I prayed and visualized MANY times of God shaping me, molding me, squeezing me into a blob and starting over, refining me. I know the exact moment I committed my sin.
For me, it wasn’t enough to be loved. Dad could do that. I needed to be someone God could be proud of. Then he could love me for a reason. Ah,,,, I needed to fix myself and present myself to God because all I have ever wanted was to be God’s vessel, to serve, preferably quietly in the background. I wasn’t enough for my folks growing up. Wasn’t worth my Mom protecting me over and over and over again, couldn’t get it right with my Dad, Mom wasn’t even around, leaving me to raise Michael at too young an age while she went to college and worked and slept. They signed for me to marry at 16,,,, did they even care? I was bound by a silly Southern code of honor, “Don’t make mom cry.” I was six year s old,,, why did I have to have that job of protecting her?
Brokenness.
I want to be on the Potter’s wheel. I don’t want to be solely responsible for making life work all the time. That’s exhausting. And it’s never, ever, ever e-n-o-u-g-h.
God and I got this far in today’s conversation, kids, parents, potter’s wheels, the Past, my desire to serve….
I am very aware of my past. The mistakes I have made, the wrongs, abuses and hurts I encountered. But I am not afraid. I choose to see the good in people. And I only need those events to give me compassion, clarity when it comes to testifying how in spite of it all, God is able, present, and willing to be my savior, lover of my soul, father and groom. I am proof, God forgives a multitude of sins and loves us still. I stopped for a pit break. But I was still red from crying and people looked at me funny as I stood staring at the map. I stopped long enough to take another aspirin to push the headache just below nausea level and got back on the road. I was very close to my receiver.
At the altar last week one of the things God revealed to me was that he had been with me in every dark, painful event and moment. Every last one of them, he showed me one by one and let me see him there.
Today, He let me see him, he told me how it hurt him the day I said I was getting off the wheel that I needed to fix some things on my own. I told him I was so very sorry I had ever hurt him, rejected him. Only then did He allowed me to see himself. Oh Brother Hattabaugh, he was weeping with me over the years. Sometimes he did my crying for me when I couldn’t. Today? He caught my tears and let them roll across his palm.
One more time, just when I thought I was as limp as I could be, God audibly said, “And?”
And what, God?!?!?!
I pray all the time for God to prepare the boy for each of my girls, to start as children, and to prepare my girls to be who God has them to be as a mate. Sometimes, I even pray it for myself, God please be working on molding a guy for me, and me for him. I realize though, I am not allowed to remarry. Ole is on wife #3, but I am to be single.
What God asked me today was, if I would let him be enough? Forever. My everything. I thought that was a no-brainer. But he specified details ,,, he is to be my everything. Period. If it becomes “forever”? he still demands to be my all, my everything. End of discussion.
I am young, and full of life. This is a lot to ask. But I see now, what choice is there, really? This isn’t a multiple choice question with D being: I don’t like the above choices. There never has been option B,,, it was supposed to have been God all along. I had some repenting to do there too.
What could be an interminably lonely place for me? Just became very FULL! There’s no room in my life for another,,,, not even my girls … in a sense. That is very sobering and awe inspiring.
I am out of steam, so to sum it up, God allowed me to be broken until I came today to the knowledge and acceptance of who Jesus really is and of what it really means to be full of the spirit of God. He is stern though, he is to be the only one filling me and I can no longer be provider or protector. It has to be him, or nothing. There was no room for negotiation. I take all of him in me, and I cease to exist as Janet Marie Olsen, or he will not continue to settle with halfway. If he never uses me in service to him, if I never see or love my girls again, if I am to remain single until my last breath here on earth, I am now required to be Jesus’ only. To coin a phrase of the 70’s? “That’s heavy, man.”
All or nothing at all. Wow,,,
Jan Olsen
II John v.12
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