When Sunrise Turned Into sunset.....

Appalachian Sunrise 

The need to Process, free write, blow off steam, organize and sort is literally burning with a fire and heavy weight in my chest. The title is not a typo, as I know grammar very well. The lower case "S" in sunset is symbolic and will be revealed soon enough.

One thing that is beautiful in self-awareness, deliberate choice, and accountability is the similararity to God's grace to His children.  That is, if you fall down, screw up, lose your way? You CAN choose to dust off, realign and get back up on the horse that threw you.  Since 2010, I've learned there is freedom and power in my CHOICE and decisions.

There is a new countdown in the works. Some of my closest friends and family are already "In the Know". To some, I am hiding in plain sight and you still won't "get it". And to some, I am merely waiting until the "I could have had a V8 Moment" pops you on the forehead.

A few facts and the way they affect me on a daily basis - I have been single for most of the past 14 years. There were Chapters where I danced with a partner.... but by and large? On my own.  My girls grew up and became strong, independant and wonderful women.... finding their own wings in the world.  Freedom comes with a price ~

With my CDL-A in July 2007, I have had adventure, lessons, and opportunities that astound and humble me.  A high school drop out, fairly intelligent, drifting, curious, dynamic, I've driven my semi in all 48 states and Canada, get paid to travel, met new people and share Light along the way.

May 2010, I was blessed during May of Miracles at my home church, the Pentecostals Of Cooper City in south Florida with THREE commercial vehicle operator jobs in one day!! After consideration with my pastor, chose Heartland Express. May 2014 was my 4 year service anniversary and it is going stronger all the time!  So grateful!!!

By the August of 2010, my lease on my apartment in SoFL ran out, I made the decision that was right for me - put my household into storage and live solely off my semi truck. Low cost, fluid of movement, available to Life and what new adventures it might hold.

The truth is never far from my mind though - - - No job?  No semi??  No work??? NO HOME!!!

The part of me that still to this day CRAVES the stability of a home, family, partner... the nesting and nurturing part of the silly smiling girl inside of me? I am  stressed and worried every time I turn in my truck to take vacation, every time I make a mistake and fear for my job.... and it makes me stay, even if it's in a rut, a whole lot longer than I might,,, just because I KNOW what a blessing it is to have this roof over my head, climate control, modern features etc.

This next part comes from my heart. If I were to be in person and say it? Some people would "get it". Some would fluff it off. Some would argue. Some would work to meet me in the middle....  so here goes:  By choice, by design, and by lifestyle, I am solo. I live alone. Work alone. Have holiday, birthdays, anniversaries alone.  I play alone. I explore alone. I worship God alone....  and so on.

It has come to my notice that I have "text message" friendships.

Just in the past two days, I have had more PHONE CALLS, in person meetings over meals and long heart to heart conversations than I did the entire previous month or more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And in the past 2 weeks, I have seen more of my friends in person and spent quality time than I have in MONTHS.

This is a condition of my lifestyle.  It is a conscious choice. But it is also not really where I authentically want to be in my life.

In the recent phone chats, I told longtime, faithful friends another truth.  I drive 10-11 hours every shift. 500-600 miles a day. All weather, all terrain, all traffic, all times of year.

When I take official Time Off? The *LAST* thing I want to do is trade my semi truck for a car and drive 200 miles or more one way to have dinner with a friend, etc.

YES!  Sometimes I do just that!  And the blessings outweigh the sacrifice.

But can you see where that may not be very resting, or recharging?

I went from this...

   to this!

Each and every one of my friends, and strangers along my path are worth every second of the very most pure and best attention I can give them!! God has poured SOOOOOO much into me, and to whom much is given, much is required.

Look at it this way ---- when you first notice a tickle, or scratchy throat?  Or an ache, like a low fever.  What's the first thing you instinctively do?  You change your diet, fluid intake, start pumping up your Immune System, add water and rest, you wash more frequently to ward off disease, and try to back away from others to protect them and to minimize your exposure until you are Top Notch again.

Our bodies, God's Creation is so fearfully and wonderfully made!!!

The same Fight Or Flight is true energetically.

I could stop right there. That last line said it all.....  sit with it a minute.....

.... wait for it.....

.... breathe.....

Energetically, I tuck and roll.  I have had some of the very WORST mankind can throw at me. And some of the best. In every turn, God has taken my mess and made it into my Message. He's taken every test, and turned  it into my Testimony. He's taken everything the enemy meant to harm me, and turned it into my Greater Good.  And so, I roll back to my feet, dust off, hide behind blue eyes, grin and move on.

Deliberately.

I have what some people dream of - - -A job I love, a freedom, an income, a happy go lucky lifestyle....

With work? I am often physically exhausted. I get the privilege of working 70 hour weeks.  This overlaps day and night shifts in a constant, never ending roll.  I don't get to stop the truck to exercise, eat, rest, worship, or even just to walk a few minutes. I've been driving to my limits, pulling over, parking and never even getting out of the truck, I go lay down.  Wake up tired and in pain, and start the cycle again.  Why?! Yet, you gotta know? ???  I am aware how blessed to have a job at all, and to enjoy it, and make a substantial income  is a matter I am FULL of GRATITUDE and running over.

Upon realizing my friendships have become "text message" and impersonal?  Brief and random?  I also noticed something that weighs me down:  As a whole, people talk about what is WRONG in their world. They bust out with the negatives, the things that make them mad, sad, or uncomfortable.

Even though I am exceptionally sunny and optimistic as a person? It's all too easy to fall into the rut of imitating or commiserating. In other words, now I find myself talking about my aches, my pains, my stresses...  it comes out in conversations like this, "Oh yeah? You think that was bad? Let me tell you MY terrible experience. Trust me. Mine is worse than yours, so you should be grateful."

SAY WHAT?!?!?!

The Lion inside me just shook her head, yawned, extended her claws and gave out a healthy ROOOOOAR of indignation!!!!

JAN!!! STOP!!!!!  redirect!!!!!!!!!!!

I find myself so tired, so weary in body and spirit.  So drained emotionally and energetically.


So NOPE!  I don't want  to see anyone! Ever! I draw inside and think "more sleep, more work, more time alone" will fix me.

In reality, a piece of me dies inside.  A moment passes, and Time that I will never get back is *POOF!  Gone!  This grieves me....

... Time kept going while I flounder in a rut... my friends move on.... their circumstances ride the roller coaster.... and I've lost precious Time to show God's love. To be of service... to be God's hands, feet and voice,,, all while I have to work double time to reorganize my thoughts and attitudes.

Lately, I've told a few people that I trust,,, that I need to back up a bit. I need some "space" ((( sounds weird  - hello! You're by yourself!))).... I need a break....

The realization is this : I can and will remain available to listen, to be there, to understand if someone is struggling or riding out a rough patch. I can and will hug, hold your hand, look you in the eyes, and absorb the energy of tears, laughter and emotions....

 But I need to correct my attitude. I need to emotionally, physically, and spiritually recharge.  It's time to get alone with God and to purge all the anxiety, sadness and disarray... to give it all to Him again.

That's what I LOVE about God giving humans free will.  We can CHOOSE to look up, to seek Him, and to allow God to be in control..... we can also choose to stay in the negatives surrounding our external circumstances... but happily, we can CHOOSE liberty and dominion.


In seven days, actual Changes, shifts and new beginnings will become apparent. Ironically, some of you already know what's coming. Some of you will miss it, letting Change slip right past your notice. And some of you will wonder when the dust settles? "What just happened here, cuz I didn't see that coming." even though I'm hiding in plain sight, currently covered among the stuff.  Like Gideon of the Old Testament... there are big changes coming up. And God is grooming me, pruning me, and shaping my Destiny!

When the new Chapter starts to pen the next page of my life story? I will be an even better woman, a better servant, a better friend, and better family, and a better person..... for YOU and for myself.

When Sunrise turns into sunset it is time to roll on~

~J~
Jan M. Olsen

The Who

"Behind Blue Eyes"

No one knows what it's like

To be the bad man

To be the sad man

Behind blue eyes

No one knows what it's like

To be hated

To be fated

To telling only lies

But my dreams

They aren't as empty

As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely

My love is vengeance

That's never free

No one knows what it's like

To feel these feelings

Like I do

And I blame you

No one bites back as hard

On their anger

None of my pain and woe

Can show through

But my dreams

They aren't as empty

As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely

My love is vengeance

That's never free

When my fist clenches, crack it open

Before I use it and lose my cool

When I smile, tell me some bad news

Before I laugh and act like a fool

If I swallow anything evil

Put your finger down my throat

If I shiver, please give me a blanket

Keep me warm, let me wear your coat

No one knows what it's like

To be the bad man

To be the sad man

Behind blue eyes

Quest Day #2 - Virginia Is For Lovers

As I let go of my day by hiking in the foothills south of Lynchburg, Virginia, I wrote the first blog entry in a long time in my head. Let's see what I can type now. 

This is Day 2 of my being part of the One Fit Widow - QUEST group. Quest will begin my living a FIT and clean, healthy lifestyle. For me, it will include not just the physical well-being of exercise and weight loss, but soul searching into my attitude, mental, emotional, and spiritual man as well. QUEST and 1FW are a community made of real men and women living real lives in our current societies with all the challenges, struggles, opportunities, and tools available to most of us.

Yesterday, I walked about 2 miles. Today, in two different stops, I estimate 4 miles. Most of my walks will be referred to by myself as "hikes" because I do not often use roads, sidewalks, and  almost never treadmills. (side note- if a treadmill slings me off? All the studs will see.  If I trip and fall out in the wild? I will see a flower or bug I might have missed otherwise.)  

My happy spot serves so many purposes: to clear the air and my head, to stretch my legs, exercise, commune and connect with Nature.  Most often they  begin with a tentative stroll around the truck stop until I see a path, trail or wooded area snaking away.  So the terrain, inclines, surfaces, air, scenery and my excitement all stay highly engaged!

The allure of a good trail - trees across a wooded path, signifying no vehicles have passed recently.

Take this second hike of today for instance. Within leaving US 29 pavement, and going about 100 yards, I could barely hear the road sounds due to the sharp dip into a valley and the hillside rising up behind me. In another 50 yards, I was smelling pine, hay, water from a pond instead of vehicle exhaust and human wastes. 

I ended up in the woods, past some farmlands watching the birds of prey swoop in for their meals, leaning my head back and watching cloud animals carouse in the heavenlies, and could hear the rustle of the ground hog that ran away from me, the birds chirping, and the wind blowing.  All of that is drowned out in my work and daily life. Yesterday I saw a panther cross in front of me!

When the black top ends, the fun really begins...

Part of the thoughts I blogged in my head were "That Confounded Meaning Of Life". Part were my goals. Part was the introduction I still need to get behind me to 1FW and Quest. Part of it was a bittersweet mix of ahhhhh and oh! Man! My 5 senses were LOVING me today on my hike. But my mind was kicking my rear end for how long it has been since I have done these very things that I so dearly love. 

I've been feeling like this fence...

In the title, I quote the state motto "Virginia Is For Lovers". This has a special meaning to me. When I was in the 7th grade, my parents took my brother and I on a vacation to the Blue Ridge Parkway, Appomattox Courthouse, Natural Bridge etc. They signed us out of school for a week in November to show these Florida kids Autumn colors for the first time.  

It was a great trip! Being in 7th grade, I suppose I was just beginning to notice boys for something other than to play baseball and climb trees with.  At the Natural Bridge, I recall one of the first of those sharp pangs of physical attraction. He was a tourist, with his girlfriend, and probably in his 20's. Aiyiyiyiyi.  I thought then, "This must be what VA is for lovers means?" 

Virginia is far enough South to still be genteel, make amazing sweet iced tea, and have moderate weather. They have such a rich and deep vein of history and heritage. Largely less populated than cities, their rolling farmlands and mountains preserve the feeling of the Old Days still live here. To me, Virginia reigns as one of the Top 5 spots in the USA that I have lost my breath (on more than one occasion) by gasping , "I could so totally see myself living here!"

It was at the spot where I turned around today that I had an awareness moment.   In September 2010, I discovered my breath, being fully Present, and mindful. One gift of that year was finding my friend, Mark Edgar Stephens' book "Who Are You Choosing To Be?"  The title says it all.  I had deliberate choice. If I didn't like my attitude, my moment? I can change it. Create and be the change I wished to see.  This was liberating to me!  That year I learned the sheer POWER of taking three deliberate slow breaths. I went on to learn no judgements, love, gratitude, forgiveness, letting go of what is no longer serving me, what is possible? And more.

As I stood at the turning point and watched the birds, I considered laying on the ground, watching the clouds and meditating. But I opted to stand there, loose, and to execute three deliberate, deep breaths.  

Each person will have their own interpretation. For me, I visualize clean, white, light, healing breath entering me, filling my spaces as far as I can open to them (usually it gets to my shoulders and gets bogged down). Then during my exhale, I see a dusty Pigpen cloud of any pain, disappointments, attitude or tension leaving my body.

 Breath #2 I fill the tight places in my body with more healing, white light....

Breath #3 I say on the inhale "I let go" and upon exhale, I say "I let God."

Then I usually open my eyes slowly and remain still. The colors are more vivid, the sounds obscure before, now twitter, and the smells begin to differentiate into nuances. 

However, I could not get to Breath #2.  My mind chatter was off the charts!  Racing!!!!   It was my weight, my measurements, my goals, the question that's always hot on my mind of "WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE?". It was just a churning morass of NOISE in my head during what is usually my personal Quiet Time and sanity break.

Well then I was mad at myself. What?? You can't even do this for three breaths? What the #$*@ is wrong with you?!  Do it Again!  

.... same....

It took a third try, and actually I made myself do it about 5 breaths to see it through....

Then as I began to walk back to my truck, I pondered this. 

Fractured.  This was an Object Lesson of where my head, heart and soul is operating currently. Fractured.

My thoughts that are always way too deep, also now run  rampant, nonstop.  Lately my prayer and meditation life has been almost as labored as my 3 breath mindfulness.  My sleep and dreams show signs of being worse for the wear. My enthusiasm for life is still here, but has a covering of dust on the lenses.

Never know what piece of history awaits in the woods...

Lately, I've had the extreme priviledge of meeting up with  new and old friends  in my home area where I park my car, reconnecting with longtime friends and family from my hometown area, visiting friends across the USA, and exploring new days with strangers I meet along my travels.  This is a bit of my hesitations - while I look forward to the community, the support, knowledge, camaraderie and accountability of Quest? It's a lot to add to my usual solitude. I have been alone so long now, the noise of so many "voices" of people brushing up against me in a day on FB, Twitter, in person, in text etc is giving me the heebie jeebies.  LOL (Just keeping it real.)

As I prepared to enter the highway leading back to my truck, I recalled seeing a pond on my way in. Now the sun was a bit lower, my senses softened, and I heard the allure of water noises such as frogs, crickets, and fish popping the surface. A quick stop to the water's edge made something very clear to me.

When I do find somewhere to live, rent, settle down again?  I don't want to have to get in my car to drive to a place of Nature. In a meteor shower, I want to be able to simply step onto my porch, as opposed to having to drive to the beach hoping to escape noise and light pollution. I want to hear the frogs and crickets through the screens on my open doors and windows. It's great to go for walks, or drives to these places now. But my heart's desire would be to already reside there.  And this means South Florida or any other concrete jungle will never truly be HOME to me.

One more "Getting To Know You 101" for now - I know One Fit Widow  began by.... a widow!  There is awesome support and forum for all stages of grief, coping, life, fitness, health etc. You don't HAVE TO BE A WIDOW to participate or to benefit.

I am NOT a widow.  I was married for 15 years. Divorced over 14 years now.  

2001-2004 my girls and I met and spent wonderful time with someone we truly loved. I have to be honest and say he was the love of my life.  It was the RIGHT love, at the WRONG time.

Although, I have dated and had many friends and opportunities since the end of that particular relationship in Sept. 2004?  It can be said that my heart has just not been in it again.  

At this point, I have made peace with the silence, put a stuffed lion in the Empty Chair, and would absolutely prefer a new dog in my life than a new human!!!!   Again, wry laugh, just keeping it real!  

I have a GREAT life!  Actually living my dream, following my passions, loving people - friends, family, and strangers, ticking items off my "Living List" one by one, and having a ball out here hiking and exploring. 

Success in QUEST and a fit life will give me strength and energy in body and character to continue with such quality and zeal! 

I've enjoyed blogging again after that ringing silence of a year or more.  Anyone new to the blog, FB, my life or Journey is welcome to fish around. The blog began in Oct. 2010. Just a heads up, the blog was used as my PROCESS and is NOT always Inspirational or Positive.   But it's a pretty accurate graph of the last few years as I BECAME who I am today.  If you read in? Feel free to connect somehow and let me know what you think.

Ready to call it a night. It's been cathartic to write again, just as hiking and deliberately breathing was a welcome back to familiar segments of the jumble that is ME.

Looking behind to learn the lesson.

Looking today to seize the moment.

Looking ahead with joyful anticipation.

Let's do this thing!

~Jan~

Janet M. Olsen

The Butterfly Chaser's Letter

Today was a turning point for me! 

Have you ever been drawn to follow a bird, a butterfly, or the sounds of the woods until you are IN the forest?  The noises and movement that attracted you becomes eerily still. 

Do you wait, stand still, and simply breathe in and out?

Perhaps you BECOME a part of the forest, and one by one, nature entrusts you with her glory and she begins moving, breathing, singing again in and around you.

Today, I entrusted a friend of mine with a letter that was long in coming.  I began to "write" and all of the recent anxieties that grip my heart and throat poured out in a rush!  I wrote in a safe place, to a safe friend.  This reminds me some of prayers to God.  In my case, my personal cross that I bear and submit daily is my driving reliance on SELF - self-motivation, self-determination, self-provision, and so on. 

People like to mention the good things they see in me such as the Light (of God), my bounce and joy (of God) and my strength,,,, ut oh, too often that strength is "of Jan".  I end up bearing way more of the burden of this crazy life than I was ever designed to do.

My health, sleep, attitude, and spiritual life is drained by this SELF problem.

Funny, I didn't really write about SELF to my friend. He already knows me, and knows my issues and inner struggles.  No, today, I released the angst that bound me in knots lately. I told him at the end of the letter that I KNEW the weight was lifted, the chokehold burst!  Grateful!

I feel like today was a failure or shortcoming, when measured by own critical SELF barometer. I am an agressive and determined person, and as a driver, that is an asset.  Yet, today, I allowed personal weakness to stop me short of the goal.  I will make the same money on this trip whether it posts this week or next.  Usually, I rely on mySELF and I push through any physical, mental, emotional or spiritual pain.

Not today.

Instead, I parked 150 miles early, making it a grossly negligent short day on my job.  I felt led to get out of the truck to walk a bit.

That's when I heard IT!  The Siren call of the katydids in the wooded rest area!  Drawn further into the shadows, the songs of home in Central Florida and my youth rose and surged like the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir.  Only this time, it was God's Creation!   I stopped just in the path and took first one cleansing breath, then a second, then, closing my eyes, a third, and I BECAME a part of the chorus of breath and pure expression God offered.

I am seeing light ahead of me from a recent battle.  It has been detailed and threatened my loved ones and ways I know to move in Life with them.

As for the Butterfly Chaser in me?  I remember in Fall 2011, God gave me a gift of a paid, working trip from Florida, all up through New England during the peak of Autumn colors.  On I-77 as NC gave way to VA, Maurice and I were talking. This was early in our friendship.  I remember telling him "I chose to be very Present and very grateful for today and this trip. If you want to share my joy WITH me, then we can talk along my drive.  But if you have need to be negative or to pop my Happy Bubbles?  Then we need to hang up and catch later.....  we ended up talking later.

There is nothing wrong with either of our approach to a day or to Life.  Over our year, I have found we complement each other well and add texture to the facets that make us who we are. 

This is where I am in this very Present Moment.  Anyone can CHOOSE to get in my bubble and share the gratitude, love, and forgiveness I have towards Life and others,,,, or we can hang up for awhile and see if we reconnect along the way. 

You choose.

For now?  I am content at becoming ONE with God's creation and experiencing the fullness of his glory again.

Thank you for every prayer, every word, every thought, every shared moment. 

I am back.

I am LION, hear me ROAR!
~Janet M. Olsen
~Jan~

ps. as I closed this, another driver came up to me, inviting me to join him and his wife for prayer. PEOPLE- I am at a rest area in rural Tennessee! only GOD feeds the sparrows like that! Only GOD!!!

Exciting Changes Ahead

It seems like I have been in a holding pattern for a very long time.  Relationships, career, home, health, and the ever present niggling reminders that I am not getting younger all made small minute shifts over the last decade,  and then leveled off to a complacent grumble.  2010 was amazing in that I discovered my breath, deliberate choice and the flow of giving vs. receiving. Today is the first  of Fall 2011 and I would say this is an exciting season brimming with possibilities.

One lesson I learned by watching others was to clear space in my life. I experienced the release of letting go of what is no longer serving me. I saw respected friends clear their home of excess or give it all away and lean out, trusting God to catch them.  When I was ready, I cleared my contacts list, and have made it a point to revisit regularly if the person should remain on my list.  I am preparing myself mentally to sort my two storage sheds and consolidate. I made decisions regarding job offers and made excellence in service my trademark.

Then in August and September I took another trip to see my daughter and grandsons in Colorado.  It was a wonderful visit.  I try very hard to not hold expectations.  Instead, I coach myself to remain flexible, grateful, hopeful, and to conduct myself as an ambassador of peace.  With prior spiritual and emotional affirmations, I went there to embrace love, gratitude, forgiveness and to enjoy every second.  I was careful not to judge the time or anyone, but to be in a peaceful place of acceptance. 

The return to work and to Florida was not the same vein as in previous trip followups.  I ended up out of work not earning money, forced to spend money on lodging and food for weeks altogther before, during and after my trip.  I like to plan my life..... but WOW!  LIFE HAPPENED!

Yes, I was stressed with worrying.  But early on, I caught myself and I took deep, deliberate breaths and I decided that to be true to myself?  I needed to remain optimistic and have faith in God, not in me.

The rest and restoration was as necessary as it was unexpected.  When I did return to work?  The slow pace seemed to dog me, and I had to surrender again. Again. And again.

It was somewhere in these last months of shift, correction, and submission that my Process began to pay me dividends.  Suddenly, I met new people.  Men and women came into my life and some of them gave me a message for that moment, but some of them are developing roots and foundation alongside me on my Journey.  I welcome the newcomers and celebrate these gifts of new friends, new relationships, new precious lives and find I am eager to start the new day to see where we travel today?

Also, I do not maintain a residence.  I went many months of not getting a hotel room on my break times from work or responsibility for my equipment.  Once I began getting a hotel?  Well, the running water, quiet rooms, and spacious decor wooed me. I began to wonder if I should get an apartment, only to be reminded that South Florida is EXTREMELY high cost of living compared to the rest of the state!!!  I do not want to rent a room and share bathrooms or common areas.  I need the clear space to relax into when I take time off my intense work schedule and service to others.

The day of rest and time to recharge my batteries became evident as important keys to my continued improved health and attitudes.

Then, when I had decided to postpone paying for a place??  Out of the blue, a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house on one acre of land became available to me.  It includes an additional efficiency apartment and is in a secure and safe suburban area.  I can set up my bedroom, kitchen, bathroom etc... and still be able to set apart a room in the house consecrated to worship, praise, communion with God and spiritual pursuits.  I can dance, sing, and freely pray or study in space that fits me.  WOW!!!  

I will also be able to close the drain of one storage unit. The new place will have adequate storage for boat, car, semi truck,  SCUBA gear, and motorcycle (now I'm dreaming of the future, lol).  I may be able to visit with Addy more often and renew my relationship with my faithful hound,

Also, I have options of new jobs, new positions at work, or new pay opportunities.

ALL  OF THIS CAME ABOUT *AFTER* I RELINQUISHED THE NEED TO CONTROL AND KNOW EVERY DETAIL UP FRONT.

I stopped planning for God, and started letting Him direct my paths.  Yes, I know, it took me long enough! 

If the home idea works out? If any of the new people stay and the friendship and roles deepen?  I will be grateful.  Today, I am humbly brimming with gratitude and so curious what is just around the bend in the road.  Leaning on God and Life, I am doing my part to show up, dressed and ready to flow. Very aware that money, fame or things will not complete me, I am experiencing a river of gifts from God. Receiving and giving with an incessant flow of blessings and provision, my personal bounty is overflowing and I can not pay it out fast enough. Beautiful Life.

My health, future, finances and relationships that are dear to me are in much bigger, more powerful hands than mine.  I trust God to be everything for Angel and her family, Alisha and her family, and for my relatives or friends along the way.  There's a peace in my valley.

Excited and changing,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Counting On It

60 Seconds in a  minute/ 60 minutes in an hour.
3,600 seconds in an hour/ 24 hours in a day.
86, 400 seconds in a day/ 7 days in a week.
604, 800 seconds in a week/ 52 weeks in a year.
31, 449, 600 seconds in a year.

That's what my mind has managed to boil my existence down to at this moment.

31, 449, 600 seconds in a year. I can not add seconds to the regular 365 days a year. If I live the entire year from beginning to ending, I can not actually reduce the number of seconds. The question is never really in how many seconds I have left to use in my lifetime of seconds, minutes, days, weeks, years, but rather how did I spend that exact factual numbered supply? I actively control or affect the latter.

As a person, I describe myself as passionate, on fire, shaking and baking, busy, invigorated, optimistic, emotional, loving, driven, tenacious, forgiving, intelligent, motivated, inspired, always learning, dynamic, curious, open, tender, giving, serving,  full of gratitude. I know that list is not focussing on grammar or form.   It is more important to me to spit a whale out of the pit of my tummy right now than it is to make it come to sense to anyone, but me!  I need a moment of my own clarity and understanding. I'M WORKING ON IT!!!

I've prayed about it.  Meditated. Read material. Written. Practiced free-writing just prior to this stint at the computer. I've slept on it, dreamed of it, or tossed and turned over it.

The concept of  free writing is something that results in  several thoughts tumbling from me at once. Today, I looked "free writing" up online again and chose an educational, no frills site. Then I decided to follow their format. This included setting a timer, not stopping, not editing, not judging, and choosing a topic to write about. In my own off beat sense of humor?  I chose "Free Writing" as the topic. Why?  I was curious what would come up?

I am into the details of how and why.  That is a bit annoying at times like free writing, praying, meditating, etc.  I know why I do this.  It came up several times this past week.  I heard myself saying in my head, or even muttering out loud, "Damn! I was set up to fall short on this.  That's going to show as a "fail".  Fail is an angry word in my vocabulary. I HATE TO FAIL.  If you do this, Jan, you will fail." 

I have had a lot of exposure to old concepts that came to me in fresh ways this past 11 months.  Some of it is so simple, it was hard. Some of it was hidden among the stuff of life.  Some of it I  was conditioned to get over it, move on. Some of it, I just accepted, tired of bucking the flow upstream. Some of it, habit or traditions held me bound.  Some of it religion or dogma put fear in my spirit and I stayed shy away from either the Unknown, or the unsafe.

 Some of it was brand spanking new to me, some of it I just kept pushing back, staying in my roll with the flow mode that gets me through all kinds of life drama or issues.   That last one, rolling with the flow, is a survival tool I've had to engage, seems like all my life.  Just get through it, move on, and hope I learned a thing or two?

As a person, I get very uptight thinking that I might fail, and it sometimes causes the very thing I am worrying over.  The concept I recognized this year was "what you reflect out of you, is what you attract to you." Even as I type this, my stomach is roiling, my jaw is clamped,  my hands keep clenching, my posture is slumped and my eyes keep drifting off screen.


  The day is beautiful in Central Florida, but my focus is lax and I think it keeps trying to protect me, to push me back just under an alarming level? The fact I can't focus even is ticking me off, and I see I am going in circles. "Failing" again. This time to sort out or stay on a topic.  Just as I wrote that?  I huffed an angry growl that would have smoked my laptop into an incendiary heap of smoldering ash if I was a dragon. UGH!  I have been in and out of that stage of an aggravated huff for quite a while now!!!

Here is a bit of my shot gun spray of angst. Some of it came out in my free writing exercise.  As I wrote most of it? I noticed myself pushing my way through to humor. That's another survival tool. If you can laugh about a situation? It may not be as bad as you once thought, it might relax if it is bad, and you can definitely ease up and get into the "roll with the flow" stage if you can laugh about it.


  As I was free writing? My mind was still so uptight, it kept telling me "you can't edit it , per the "RULES", so don't screw it up the first time to begin with.  Just keep it light, so you can keep moving. Don't get serious or grey. Don't fail this too, Hooper!"

hmmmm... is that a sign of something more deeply ominous?  All week I referred to myself by an old name, my maiden name.  Hmmm?

To free write? I paid careful attention up front to "get everything right". I located looseleaf paper. I found me a lid to a storage unit to use as a desktop. I found the timer function on my EVO and even restarted it. I wanted to set it for ten minutes, but I got edgy that pushing the start took up my seconds. So I actually set it for 10 minutes, 30 seconds, to give me time to turn and address my paper.  I fidgeted with the Sirius Xm selections.


  I love classical and symphonic music, but I found myself grooving to the beat. If anything had voice? I was straining to decipher it. I settled in with cool jazz, only every 5th song or so has any lyrics to it. The station is called Watercolors, and when I think of that word, I think of light shades of blue, watery, mixxing and fading across a clean canvas. Beginning to drip, swirl, tilt.. blend.  That seemed a good moodsetting  for writing.

  Finally, I stopped all that bustle and I truly did the three deliberate, slow breaths that I learned this year. What a gift!

I didn't have a pen on hand that I like.  I am adamant to write with blue ink when it is for personal or pleasure use.  And I don't like the pen to be smooth grip, or medium point.  The only blue pens on my truck now are slick bics or a Pilot knock off with a broken plastic sheath.  So the pen bent at the tip, wobbling as I wrote and I kept noticing it. Annoyed.  Wow.  I am really cranky, lol.

I chose the topic Free Writing because just those words make me smile.... okay, they make me grin and internally giggle.  I feel the corners of my eyes crinkling and my heart gets skippy in a happy beat.  This is a result of when I first "discovered" the term, I asked three people I trust to tell me what all the buzz was about.  And all three of them laughed at me, or should I say, with me? I was sheepish to ask. They all three got sparkles of good humor, that radiated out in their reply.  I can not rein in a a goofy giggle in my heart to think of the phrase "free writing". So I chose  a subject that both infuriates me and makes me laugh. That's a typical experience right now, in the exact SECOND I am living.

Whew, that was wandering.  My mind is doing a lot of that drifting stuff lately. ANYWAY!  What I came up with in the free writing exercise in ten minutes was just exactly how much TEN MINUTES costs or affects. And YES!! That is my anxiety!  That is my "fail". That is what is twisting and turning me into knots.  As I defined it in my ramblings today, this ten minute exercise is JUST ANOTHER item to add to my "Things To Be Done" list. 

Ten minutes by itself is a small number. That's only 600 seconds out of a year.

But when the "LIST" keeps tacking STUFF on every day?
Or when items really should be given more than ten minutes to be adequate?

I'm overwhelmed and out of time before I begin.

I failed.

Sigh.....

10 minutes to pray.
10 minutes to breathe.
10 minutes to meditate.
10 minutes to read.
10 minutes to write.
10 minutes to exercise.
10 minutes to love.
10 minutes to serve.
10 minutes to give.


Many of those on that list above should have 30-60 minutes- EACH AND EVERY DAY!!
Yet, just at the bare bones? Before breakfast or a shower?  It's already 90 minutes, or one and a half hours of my exact 24 hours a day.


Each advocate says their exercise is the one necessary to be life-changing or meaningful. As it all adds up, I feel the weight of my shortcomings on my soul. I feel the strain to add even one more routine to my unstructured work and lifestyle.  See? In doing the exercise, I almost talked myself out of doing, while still in the process of doing it.

Confused yet?  Here's another one for you.  I am not into jokes that find their humor in degrading or injuring another.  One of the rare exceptions so far, has been an NPR Radio show on Saturdays called, "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me."  I find it to be funny, a bit risque, and yet, somewhat a funny way to present portions of truthful events.  I live in a technical era that offers so many ways to get the gratification I search for.  If my laptop internet streams too slow for live-streaming?  If SiriusXM doesn't have it?  The new Android most likely has it somewhere.



  My EVO has an application called "Tune In Pro" that allows me to search and tap into live streams of radio WORLDWIDE. I can listen now, record these to listen to later, fast forward, rewind, etc.  I can search by title of a program, local station, genre, or just by letting the Android tell me what is on. Over 5,000 options.  By the way, even for a multi-tasker like me? That is 4, 999 more radion stations than I can enjoy at one time!

I knew August 20, 2011 was Saturday.  Where was my NPR radio show?  I made it my agenda to LAUGH dammit.  Man!  I ended up being thwarted in every corner and aggravated at trying to find what I put my hopes on to make me laugh!  Aiyiyiyi!

 The program is contingent upon good cell phone signal coverage.  And my opinion? Sprint has the absolute lousiest coverage of all the providers!  As I drive on my job, I am forever having to reboot my Sprint computer aircard for my laptop and my cell phone to get back in the stream.  How annoying! 

If I am recording on Tune In?  Well, it gets a burp in the stored program every time I lose signal or have to reboot.  Yesterday? I swear it seemed like every time it was a punchline to a joke, or an answer to a question? A wrinkle in time and I lost signal!!!  Grrrr.

So, I had a brainstorm!!!  This is at least a nationwide NPR program.  I could find it in, say, Pacific time zone and program it to record for later.  Meanwhile, I stumbled upon podcasts of "Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me" with weekly dates up to August 13th.

FINALLY!!! This is where I found humor to make up for the humorous radio I was being gypped of!  Here is my punchline - " Next week's podcast will be last week's broadcast copy of today's show."

I simply need to be patient 604,800 seconds until this time next week, to hear today's show.

It failed to humor me then, that all of the podcasts are new material to me, since I just discovered them yesterday.

To sum this all up, as I can feel my steam is seeping out?  The "Do XXXXX or you will fail, Jan" comes from my work on my job as a truck driver.  It was when I was a lease operator and my aggressive driver manager pushed his equally aggressive driver (me) to succeed in the business model. 

450 miles a day or you will fail, Jan.

750 miles on Monday, did not excuse a 350 mile day on Tuesday. To the pair of us?  I had shown I had the potential for a 750 mile day each and every time.

It also goes back to a phrase I heard all through my growing up years. "You are falling so far below your potential. What a waste."... well, somehow, that didn't motivate me to "SHOW THEM",,, it eventually came to, "Well, FINE, I won't fricking ever be good enough anyway, so I aint gonna bust a gut trying this time either."
 
Today, I refuse to fall into that trap or lie!!!

I end up leaning more to the "450 miles a day or you will fail" mentality.

Push myself to my edge, then tomorrow? Strive to BETTER MY BEST.

This can be a powerful tool to spur me onward.  Right now though, it is making me tired to my core of always falling just short of the mark I set in my own path.  Especially since I do not control many aspects of trucking business. 

The only parts I do control? MY alarm clock, my calendar, my time spent attending to the driving, the fewer, shorter stops better.

I am watching my life pass by at 62 mph in a huff of sick diesel fumes.

Currently, I have an agressive driver manager again.  This man does not believe he needs to consult me when he plans my loads. He expects me to go when and where I am told, when he tells me to do so.  This grates on my every last nerve.

I am an intelligent, thinking, rational human being and I can choose when and where, how and what route to go,,, as long as the WHY is covered,,, which is simple - safe! on time! pick up and delivery! professional, attentive customer service at my own HIGH STANDARD.

The driver manager discovered I will run my heart out.  So he has gotten a bad habit of planning me back to back, grueling, very tight deadlines that "rescue" loads and drive his/my miles up per week.  It pays to have me on a fleet.  It pays me to have a manager like him behind me. Together? We are killing my desire to keep going on!

This week?  I pushed HARD out of the gate!  Almost immediately, circumstances caused me to sit 20 hours UNPRODUCTIVE, then "help me out",,, so I ran hard and furious to back his play.

Got to the next one? He has booked me back to back, no wiggle room. I had better plan on a tailwind to push my truck 63 mph, and not drink any water that day.

Get almost to the destination (projected on time, btw) and he slings me to rescue another driver's load, who is already TWO fricking hours late.

I have remained in that 1-2 hour late status the rest of the week.  You can't make it up.

i am failing at my job. Just as I failed to not overthink free writing. Just as I failed to see how in God's green earth I can add ONE MORE 10 minute routine to my day!!!!!!!!!!

Will I get relief?  COUNT ON IT!  Will I perservere? Yep!  Will I get righted and get on top of my own work ethic? You bet your A$$.

Right now? I have 100 minutes. That's  6,000 seconds left before I have to blast off on a Sunday to commence today's effort to catch up from the hell hole of "failures" of last week.  How I spend that finite, exact, specific allotment of "time"?

Is up to me.

Getting off the computer to find a way to raise my emotions, my vibrations and my attitude?

Count on it,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Reaching That Place

As all manner of Life anniversaries and milestones assail me during the late Spring and Summer months, I am reminded of all my many blessings and gifts in this life.  From birthdays to wedding anniversaries,  service years, dates important people joined or left my life stream, it is all very new and fresh this year.  August is one of those months full of anniversaries.

I know  people  tend to look at my life and have one of two opinions.  Either they think I am the coolest cat with the best job ever, and they are right. I am and I do  :)    Or they feel sorry I am alone, no residence, no one close to me.  They are right in the facts of that reality, but I view all of those results as their own blessings for various reasons.

2010- Present day, I learn more every day how to simplify my life,  how to enrich the lives that come in  contact with  mine, and how to find the blessing in everything.  I'm an optimist by nature and it doesn't take much for me to settle down, breathe calmly and see God is in control and that I am amply blessed in favor.

All of this gentle acceptance of my life and learning to date leads me to a place of rest in my Spirit. I am calmer, happier, more grateful, as well as exercising forgiveness more readily to myself and others.  The most recent developments are allowing love and other gifts to flow in and out of me less hindered. A consummate student of Life, there is much yet to learn or experience.  The forward progress thrills me immensely.

  One area that surely needs polishing is my lack of patience with things I cannot control such as my work dispatches in the fickle job of transportation with all its myriad of variables, weather, or relying on other people. I really wrestle with tolerance of stupid, and try to surrender the stressfull need of fixxing everything to follow the frame I design. Smiling, I am a work in progress.

A very specific area of great improvement in my life has been choosing to simplify.  If a person is not inspiring, loving, enriching, motivating, or encouraging?  If I am not offering those same traits to them?  Then I examine closely to see why they are on my contact list.  Life is too short to live with any abuse or disrespect of my value or time.   Also, in the Fall months, I will be culling my storage units.  If it hasn't been used in the recent months? ( this is 99% of the contents)  Pass it along to charities that could pair it with those who need it. This will reduce my resources of time, money, travel, and worry being expended on  a life that is founded in the Past.

All of the above paragraph is taking serious work for me to examine and reach a place of calm or acceptance.  Day by day, I grow in God's nurturing plan. Being blessed with abundance is a gift, filtering that  bounty through love is a privilege.

These musings bring me to Today. I am on the edge of being soul weary again.  I am the only person in charge of how I react. Therefore, I am not going to make plans with anyone to do anything on the next time off I get. I'm in position work-wise to get to my car in SoFL - - -  sometime this weekend. It's nice that people want to include me in BBQs, reunions, visiting church services, etc, but if I have to drive more than 20 minutes to arrive?  Then I am losing some of the pleasure in the gift.

Making a command decision, I informed my friends that I will not drive in my personal car  almost 500 miles roundtrip on 2 days off duty from my semi truck.  I hope everyone understands, I am grateful for the overflow of blessings.  Instead of filling my days, I hope to rest and  foster the recharging of  my batteries on my next time off, whenever that occurs.  This powerful choice releases the pressure cooker to force elements of Time and driving trucks under Dispatch that I do not have control over into conforming to my overloaded personal schedule.

 There are TWO METEOR SHOWERS pelting the summer skies right now!!!  I can easily imagine a sultry August night in the next few days, lying on the Atlantic beachline, with nothing more pressing than counting earthgrazers on my mind!   If it happens this way? Great! If it does not? The meteors are still zipping, I will continue viewing them from my current location.

I am also in need of time under God's unfathomable skies to DANCE!!!!

I'm embracing my growth into  a place of tolerance, love, peace, gratitude and renewal.   How my heart sings!

Reaching that place,
  Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Life As A Highway

This has already been an exciting month of new opportunities, gifts, revelations, prophecies, and chances. With half of June 2011 still ahead, I am charged with enthusiasm to see what is around the next bend of my Life's road.

Sometimes such great shifts brings friction.  The ways I noticed it this month were both in subtle nudges and outright cacaphony.  New directions offer new relationship posssibilities. It also gives me a chance to reevaluate my current address book.  Often, I get distracted or on a roll, and I forget to take care of my body's physical, emotional, or spiritual needs.  When this happens, my batteries run low and weird bells and whistles begin to clamor for attention.

In some ways, my paths are becoming more defined than they ever have before.  This time, I am shaping my direction purposefully and with creative power.   Every now and then, I still get alarmed by how fast the ball rolls and the debris it picks up along the way.   Learning balance.  Beginning with a chuckle that echoes in my quiet truck, I rumble from deep in my tummy a laugh that bubbles up and out of me. Balance is not a new word for me to say I long for that quality.  Equilibrium.  I don't mean status quo, but I do desire to find myself encouraged about moving on and up. 

My new picture of where I am heading in the near future, has me leaning alot on a core group of people that I culled my list to at the end of 2010.  I kept and nurtured "safe people".  Men and women that inspire, encourage, love, and assist me to reaching my goals and optimal health in all ways.  With everything I have within me I pray and bless this set of friends and loved ones.  I cherish and appreciate the nurture sown into me.  You are a patient and kind bunch of people!

Perhaps I need to take an "alignment  break" and get some things on the right track again. My health, my focus, my emotions, my spiritual pursuits all need fervent TLC from me.  I do not want to stall on  a hill though.  I want to maximize the momentum, and have some guidance on my course. Deliberately choose how I feel, perceive, and react to all the fresh  offerings of Life heading my way.

I took North Carolina and Virgina state roads in my semi truck today.  It was challenging.  But do-able.  And in a strange source, I found a peaceful balm to my jangled nerves and wounds.  During a particular shady, treelined portion of Route 58/ 360 in Virginia I suddenly felt as if God himself overshadowed me.  I felt in the presence of His peace and love and mercy.  As the verdant hillsides rolled and turned, I settled into the rhythm and found myself at One.

This alone is enough respite to help me rest easy tonight in my dreams, and recharge my body for tomorrow's adventures, wherever my road may lead me next.  Am I healed of all pain of all kinds?  No.  But I know I might be there any minute.

Moving along on Life's Highway,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

I Figured It Out

What is "it"?

Driving to a real, honest to goodness, true two day weekend off in an area where I am loved, nurtured, stimulated, accepted, welcomed and the closest to "home" this weary Road Warrior has ever felt, I was hit by a realization. Okay, a few realizations!  I quickly proclaimed one of them to a dear friend, knowing he would hear my YOP and KNOW what I meant instantly!

I NEED TO DANCE!! 

 DANCE FOR THE SHEER JOY OF BEING ALIVE! 

 WORSHIP TO GOD IN THE WAY HE CREATED ME.

  EXPRESS MY LOVE FOR HIM! 

 DANCE!  DANCE! DANCE!

  I also made a serious attempt to call, email, text and reach out to my list of friends, family, those that I mentor, to my work.... to all I could think of to be sure we are cool.  I wanted to make sure there are no hard feelings, no pressing needs, and that all my loved ones know EXACTLY how I love them dearly. 

It was hidden among the stuff of life.  The peace and rest my soul is so gravely in need of.  Some of the phone calls were funny. Some poignant. Some were mere duty.  A couple of them really lifted me higher and helped right my sailboat.  For this last?  I thank you Angel and Nanci.  You two helped me find perspective and balance tonight. Very grateful and loved right now.

Arriving at my Sunrise delivery two full hours EARLY, I am still bound to my truck until it is unloaded by the night shift.  This is giving me time to listen to a cd that I adore by Tom Ameen. The cd is named "Inner Peace" and has titles such as "Reflections","First Steps", "Solace", "Truth", "The Journey", "The Road Home" and is a piano and electric violin collection that washes my soul clean of the dusty pigpen cloud of STUFF.

 Blogger has been down a few days, and it is an ahhhhhhh feeling to just write loosely and surrender to the music and the magical healing powers my two outlets.  With a sigh, bordering on an exhausted sob, I am finally at a stopping place.  For the next two days, I get to "JUST BE" and relax into all God has for me, wherever that takes me, His timing.

 Perfect in its imperfection.

This is not to say anything has been bad.  I have just been pouring myself out in every way imaginable.  When the truck stops rumbling beneath me, I seem to feel a rush even to get to bed, get to sleep, NOW, so I can get back up and back into the fray immediately.  My waking moments, I am charging, expending.  Work, people, solutions, improvements, go go go.   And be sure, I am SO BLESSED to have a job I love, and people that look to me. I am but the least of these.

Anyway.... I have not shared this blog with my best friend.  There is a private reason for that separation.  Lately, I have been drawn closer to her again after a dry spell and when we connect, it is a balm to my heart, soul and mind.   I think everyone has one or two, or a few people that they have history with.  That they can simply relax into the moment and be grateful for a word, a look, a touch that bares no expectations or requirements, just be myself, in all of my strengths and weaknesses.

  If I needed to sleep, undisturbed until I wake up? And if that takes a full weekend?  I know I have that sanctuary with her. Sometimes, that Knowing is enough.

But by not sharing the blog, by us travelling different roads of Life, we needed at least the phone call we shared today.  Forty minutes of OMG! You Go Girl, and ABSOLUTELY!  How easy it is to relax into JUST BEING.

We caught up on the "days of our lives" and laughed, cried, loved.  How beautiful to share that CONNECTION and I am so grateful for the technology and electronics that make miles and minutes melt away.  I was lucky to spend a night at her house in this past month. Over the treasured seafood dinner, we sat near enough to touch, and I was able to express my heart regarding my Process, my search for my Passion, Purpose, my discoveries, and my healing.  AWESOME!!!  Heads inclined to one another, we shared testimonies and Life's Little Answers.

Tonight, when we discussed me, it was so I could vehemently declare that "I AM WHOLE"!!!  I just realized that this past week!!!!!   In the last quarter of 2010, I found my breath, made choices, and I was healed.  In the recent transitions of my family going their separate ways more fully, I found release again. 

It was during Angel's USF graduation that I noticed that I was a spectator, not a facilitator.  I was invited, but not consulted.  I was welcome, but not required.  I was free to come and go as I will, and not check in.  I was rewarded, but not responsible.

Until you have been in that moment?  You have no idea how LIBERATING this was to me!!!!   I will always be the ex-wife,  Mom,, and Nana J, etc.  Certainly, I am free to be my own person, and as long as I do not hurt another? I am free to try, to discover, to process, to accept, to fail, to triumph for MYSELF! 

I AM WHOLE!!!

(Oh yes!!! "I AM"!!!! Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Over the months of Process that writing, music, following my breath, praying, seeking, finding I have had such relief and feel such a release of the chains of traditions, prejudices, experiences that held me bound and subject for my life to this point. 

I AM FREE TO CHOOSE!!!

AMAZING!!!

A life of prior conditioning had me under the cloud of  the lie that I was less-than.... it is with observing the presents Life is setting before me, the courage to tug on the ribbon, and accepting what now sits before my wondering gaze, that I am trying new ways of taking great care of myself.

 It is just me now.  It is up to me to be good to myself.  To honor and be grateful to my body. To take care of it. To love it, and meet its needs. That falls under health, nourishment, rest, exercise, and tender loving care by way of touch, and concern for my well-being.   New grounds for me.  I pray for patience to follow this course with gratitude and grace that has been placed before me.

There is a change in the air!  An excitement!   My Passionate Purpose is to teach!  By obeying this, I am serving and giving to others in the full powers of my potential and abilities.  I see new doors in the hallway.  Eager to try a few.  Asking for courage to walk in when the doorknob turns in my hand. 

Ready now to observe a full two days of rest, recharge, restoration I am going to breathe in, then let go.

  Let go of my worries. Let go of control. Let go of the past. Let go of what is no longer serving me. Let go of fears. Let go of prejudices. Let go of judgements. Let go of concern of what other think or want for me.

  This is my life, my weekend.  I am ready to seize the Present gratefully and prepare for the gifts the Future brings.

And dance. 

Laugh.

Love.

Serve.

Sing.

Seek.

Discover.

Embarking in joy,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

What An AWESOME Day Of Rest!

Today was finally THE day I had been hoping for!  I have worked non-stop, no direct days off duty for several weeks in a row!  I have been working out  of my region, and been exposed to all the Southern storm ravaged areas, extreme fluctuations of weather, off the interstate driving (GREAT in a car or on motorcycle, VERY nerve racking in an 18 wheeler!!!), semi truck break downs, family stress and many more personal areas that just kept me weary and on edge.  I had to give in to a few crying spells, and I spent alot of time alone in prayers, meditations and reflections.

TODAY, typically, a Sunday is a church day for me. This is critical to who I am.  It is amazing to worship and share energy and testimony with a body of like believers!  However, yes, I had this afternoon "off duty".  But I drove 310 miles to get here under a load.

Finally!  Set the brake on the Jacksonville Terminal yard about 2pm, bobtail, off duty until sometime Monday.  I turned down more gig offers for today.  I had a secret.  I had an appointment for a MASSAGE!

WOW!!! Let me say it again, WOW!  90 minutes Swedish massage, specifically I requested a deeper, firmer touch. Lavendar aromatherapy, reflexology, with a large portion of the time focussing on my tight "driver muscle" areas of neck, shoulders, and lower back.  Loved the scented oils slicked all over me, and the sensual, loving touch!!!

As a matter of fact?  I loved it so much I bought MYSELF a Mother's Day gift.  I prepaid for another 90 minute massage, with 3 elevations : Hot Stone Massage”, with our Hot-Towel/Cold Stone Face Massage and Sugar Foot Scrub, The gift she will remember forever, our Mom’s Melt Away which takes her away with a 90 minute massage and all 3 of our Elevations (listed above). Every Mother’s Day package features our Signature “Relax” Aromatherapy – a soothing blend of Lavender, Grapefruit, and Ylang Ylang.


I will make an appointment in the future to redeem this generous gift to myself.  See? I am a mother.  But I will be spending Mother's Day 2011 by myself.  My two daughters will be reuniting in Colorado.  What a WONDERFUL gift to this mother's heart to know that Uncle Michael, Angel, Alisha, and Jeremiah will be making headway along the Reunion, Reconcilliation, Reconnect pathways!!!!  I could not be happier or more at peace!

At this point in my life, the time cycle has come full circle.  I have family that are all about their own business.  It is up to me to take care of my own needs, wants and desires.  Thus, the gift of massage.  If you know me, you know how hard the original decison to spend my money on myself is.  Yet, I am pleased with my choice today!!!  I deserve this time of paying someone to lovingly care for me and my body.

After I was limp and relaxed, I walked to a pond with a 2 fountains.  There I sat in meditation pose, soft focus on the misty spray, soaking in the gentle 6pm North Florida sunlight, and enjoying a few birds walking around the shoreline. The next gift to me was a 40 minute phone call with my Angel.

Suddenly, I realized the new Madea movie was out, and I was in the plaza with a 20 screen theater.  I jumped up and raced over. While in line for my ticket, I noticed the Fast and Furious Five!!!  WOW!!!  THAT WAS PERFECT!!! I got my adrenaline, humor, sexy men and FAST CARS fix!!!  the auditorium was almost packed, and with a room full of strangers we travelled around the world and cheered on the cast we have grown to love over the years!!!  WHAT A GREAT ADDITION TO MY JAN-DAY!!!

Now, I am relaxed, psyched, and ready to sleep deeply cuddled up next to my newest acqusition, a body pillow making its maiden snooze with me tonight.

Tomorrow may come, and will take care of itself.  I spent several hours on myself, enjoying the revitalization that comes only from obeying "A Day Of Rest".

Peacefully smiling,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Look Twice!

It has been a little while since I dove in deep here on the blog.  If one could read my chicken scratch, they would find volumes in my handwritten journals. Somehow, the words are not making it out here into public or emails.  They are, however, still tumbling out of me. Cheered to be writing again! Healing!

While the flow has not ceased or stemmed, it has turned down a different channel.  I am thinking, writing, living more in a peaceful state of mind and emotion.  I am also compelled entirely to continue exploring and growing in the Gifts around and in me. All of these changes are processes. Thus the quiet spells.  Resting in God.

Time to assimilate the new ways. To break old habits and to foster new healthy ways of thinking, acting, obeying the Call on my life. I am doing an enormous amount of quiet listening these days! And that is a good thing! Through meditation I have learned to quiet my mind and how to travel to new galaxies of Possibilities. There is so much excitement in the air with Spring and in my heart with anticipation.  Already my Intentions for 2011 are gaining altitude and I am feeling very strong in my progress.

Letting go is still an ongoing process.  I have a goal of consolidating all of my storage into one small unit in Central Florida.  Yes, it is possible that the notes from my daughter's first grade may not make it in the reduced space.  This is hard for me. Even painful.  What a waste of money, though, to pay to store paper or things that no one has touched, looked at or used in years, even decades.

Another letting go is of people. The past 6 months I began to cull my contacts list. Occasionally, I still search my phone or email list, thinking to re-connect with someone. Only to discover, that I let them go. There was a reason at the time.  I am a forgiving soul though, so it is not often a burned bridge.  Just a new avenue for me.  Life is too short to live it in pain, fear, or neglect. And I am moving forward with the best of my days still ahead. Full, pressed down, running over with fountains of love, gratitude, and forgiveness.

One of the last Kundalini classes of 2010 called upon us to set our Intentions for the new year. Suggestions were made of what types of things people might decide.  My specific set of Intentions did not get a voice in class. But in the Spirit, I clearly heard the direction and calling being placed on my life for that current moment and onward to the near future.

A specific one was "FEARLESSNESS".  When I told a female friend this, she objected, "No fair! You already have no fear! You jump out of airplanes. I wish I was like you, afraid of nothing."  While this made me smile, it also hurts a bit.  See? I look up to my friend.  I am learning how we each draw on the strengths and energy of others. Community, family, friends, network is so vital.  Since this conversation? I have lured her out to a moonlight kayaking trip. Her very first! 

For me, though, it isn't fear of external elements.  There are things I do not like to do.  Snow skiing for instance.  I learned my lesson on the bunny slope when I corkscrewed my knee, lol.  Seriously though, my fears and Intention to address and declaw these fears are of people. Love. Relationships.  Matters of soul and of heart.  That is opening like a gorgeous lily even as I type, and for this I am so grateful and humbled.

Letting people of all sizes, shapes, races, genders, religions, etc in near my world.  Few are invited into the secret room of my deepest heart yet. But the year is young. I will always have progress that I can make.

Whether it is someone I met as a child, a youth, a family, or as a single being, I am blessed with good friends. There are those that lift my spirits and dreams higher just by being in them. By their support and cheering me on. By listening.  By letting me give, and letting me take.  There are faithful warriors and there are new faces. The blessing is that I am becoming able to let this richness in to my trust and hopes again.  You'd have to know me, to get this in the spirit it is intended.

Do you still see a bare, winterized tree occasionally? Look twice.  I see the green hope coursing throughout. New growth. Hope and victory over sleep.

As an avid motorcyclist, I chafe at 18 wheels, even at 4 wheels.  I feel this strong desire at this time of year to ride hard and fast, letting the wind and the rain blow the cobwebs out of my head.  As I drive in my rig over interstates in the South, the great descent has begun of bikes heading to Daytona Bike Week.  The yearning in me kicks into overdrive.  LOOK TWICE!! Save a a life!!!  Share the road!

I can FEEL this glow shimmering around me! It is of light, of hope, of joy, and of appreciation in the beauty ever present and waiting to be embraced!  It is in moments of peace, of deeply inhaling the clear air and of sincere inspiration that I lean in closer to hear the voice of God, of Earth, and of all that would speak motivation and love and presence.

Learning new ways to let a day go. Let a judgement go, usually of myself. To begin the night in peace and set up for sweet dreams and healing, regeneration and restoration. Beginning to look forward to waking up, not in pain of body or heart, but in wonder and excitement of soul and mind.

I am challenging myself today to honor my progress, be gentle with my process, to enjoy the journey, to love without restrictions, and to look twice-  embracing Change, Letting Go, and living  Fearlessly.

Sincere gratitude and blessings,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~