Counting On It

60 Seconds in a  minute/ 60 minutes in an hour.
3,600 seconds in an hour/ 24 hours in a day.
86, 400 seconds in a day/ 7 days in a week.
604, 800 seconds in a week/ 52 weeks in a year.
31, 449, 600 seconds in a year.

That's what my mind has managed to boil my existence down to at this moment.

31, 449, 600 seconds in a year. I can not add seconds to the regular 365 days a year. If I live the entire year from beginning to ending, I can not actually reduce the number of seconds. The question is never really in how many seconds I have left to use in my lifetime of seconds, minutes, days, weeks, years, but rather how did I spend that exact factual numbered supply? I actively control or affect the latter.

As a person, I describe myself as passionate, on fire, shaking and baking, busy, invigorated, optimistic, emotional, loving, driven, tenacious, forgiving, intelligent, motivated, inspired, always learning, dynamic, curious, open, tender, giving, serving,  full of gratitude. I know that list is not focussing on grammar or form.   It is more important to me to spit a whale out of the pit of my tummy right now than it is to make it come to sense to anyone, but me!  I need a moment of my own clarity and understanding. I'M WORKING ON IT!!!

I've prayed about it.  Meditated. Read material. Written. Practiced free-writing just prior to this stint at the computer. I've slept on it, dreamed of it, or tossed and turned over it.

The concept of  free writing is something that results in  several thoughts tumbling from me at once. Today, I looked "free writing" up online again and chose an educational, no frills site. Then I decided to follow their format. This included setting a timer, not stopping, not editing, not judging, and choosing a topic to write about. In my own off beat sense of humor?  I chose "Free Writing" as the topic. Why?  I was curious what would come up?

I am into the details of how and why.  That is a bit annoying at times like free writing, praying, meditating, etc.  I know why I do this.  It came up several times this past week.  I heard myself saying in my head, or even muttering out loud, "Damn! I was set up to fall short on this.  That's going to show as a "fail".  Fail is an angry word in my vocabulary. I HATE TO FAIL.  If you do this, Jan, you will fail." 

I have had a lot of exposure to old concepts that came to me in fresh ways this past 11 months.  Some of it is so simple, it was hard. Some of it was hidden among the stuff of life.  Some of it I  was conditioned to get over it, move on. Some of it, I just accepted, tired of bucking the flow upstream. Some of it, habit or traditions held me bound.  Some of it religion or dogma put fear in my spirit and I stayed shy away from either the Unknown, or the unsafe.

 Some of it was brand spanking new to me, some of it I just kept pushing back, staying in my roll with the flow mode that gets me through all kinds of life drama or issues.   That last one, rolling with the flow, is a survival tool I've had to engage, seems like all my life.  Just get through it, move on, and hope I learned a thing or two?

As a person, I get very uptight thinking that I might fail, and it sometimes causes the very thing I am worrying over.  The concept I recognized this year was "what you reflect out of you, is what you attract to you." Even as I type this, my stomach is roiling, my jaw is clamped,  my hands keep clenching, my posture is slumped and my eyes keep drifting off screen.


  The day is beautiful in Central Florida, but my focus is lax and I think it keeps trying to protect me, to push me back just under an alarming level? The fact I can't focus even is ticking me off, and I see I am going in circles. "Failing" again. This time to sort out or stay on a topic.  Just as I wrote that?  I huffed an angry growl that would have smoked my laptop into an incendiary heap of smoldering ash if I was a dragon. UGH!  I have been in and out of that stage of an aggravated huff for quite a while now!!!

Here is a bit of my shot gun spray of angst. Some of it came out in my free writing exercise.  As I wrote most of it? I noticed myself pushing my way through to humor. That's another survival tool. If you can laugh about a situation? It may not be as bad as you once thought, it might relax if it is bad, and you can definitely ease up and get into the "roll with the flow" stage if you can laugh about it.


  As I was free writing? My mind was still so uptight, it kept telling me "you can't edit it , per the "RULES", so don't screw it up the first time to begin with.  Just keep it light, so you can keep moving. Don't get serious or grey. Don't fail this too, Hooper!"

hmmmm... is that a sign of something more deeply ominous?  All week I referred to myself by an old name, my maiden name.  Hmmm?

To free write? I paid careful attention up front to "get everything right". I located looseleaf paper. I found me a lid to a storage unit to use as a desktop. I found the timer function on my EVO and even restarted it. I wanted to set it for ten minutes, but I got edgy that pushing the start took up my seconds. So I actually set it for 10 minutes, 30 seconds, to give me time to turn and address my paper.  I fidgeted with the Sirius Xm selections.


  I love classical and symphonic music, but I found myself grooving to the beat. If anything had voice? I was straining to decipher it. I settled in with cool jazz, only every 5th song or so has any lyrics to it. The station is called Watercolors, and when I think of that word, I think of light shades of blue, watery, mixxing and fading across a clean canvas. Beginning to drip, swirl, tilt.. blend.  That seemed a good moodsetting  for writing.

  Finally, I stopped all that bustle and I truly did the three deliberate, slow breaths that I learned this year. What a gift!

I didn't have a pen on hand that I like.  I am adamant to write with blue ink when it is for personal or pleasure use.  And I don't like the pen to be smooth grip, or medium point.  The only blue pens on my truck now are slick bics or a Pilot knock off with a broken plastic sheath.  So the pen bent at the tip, wobbling as I wrote and I kept noticing it. Annoyed.  Wow.  I am really cranky, lol.

I chose the topic Free Writing because just those words make me smile.... okay, they make me grin and internally giggle.  I feel the corners of my eyes crinkling and my heart gets skippy in a happy beat.  This is a result of when I first "discovered" the term, I asked three people I trust to tell me what all the buzz was about.  And all three of them laughed at me, or should I say, with me? I was sheepish to ask. They all three got sparkles of good humor, that radiated out in their reply.  I can not rein in a a goofy giggle in my heart to think of the phrase "free writing". So I chose  a subject that both infuriates me and makes me laugh. That's a typical experience right now, in the exact SECOND I am living.

Whew, that was wandering.  My mind is doing a lot of that drifting stuff lately. ANYWAY!  What I came up with in the free writing exercise in ten minutes was just exactly how much TEN MINUTES costs or affects. And YES!! That is my anxiety!  That is my "fail". That is what is twisting and turning me into knots.  As I defined it in my ramblings today, this ten minute exercise is JUST ANOTHER item to add to my "Things To Be Done" list. 

Ten minutes by itself is a small number. That's only 600 seconds out of a year.

But when the "LIST" keeps tacking STUFF on every day?
Or when items really should be given more than ten minutes to be adequate?

I'm overwhelmed and out of time before I begin.

I failed.

Sigh.....

10 minutes to pray.
10 minutes to breathe.
10 minutes to meditate.
10 minutes to read.
10 minutes to write.
10 minutes to exercise.
10 minutes to love.
10 minutes to serve.
10 minutes to give.


Many of those on that list above should have 30-60 minutes- EACH AND EVERY DAY!!
Yet, just at the bare bones? Before breakfast or a shower?  It's already 90 minutes, or one and a half hours of my exact 24 hours a day.


Each advocate says their exercise is the one necessary to be life-changing or meaningful. As it all adds up, I feel the weight of my shortcomings on my soul. I feel the strain to add even one more routine to my unstructured work and lifestyle.  See? In doing the exercise, I almost talked myself out of doing, while still in the process of doing it.

Confused yet?  Here's another one for you.  I am not into jokes that find their humor in degrading or injuring another.  One of the rare exceptions so far, has been an NPR Radio show on Saturdays called, "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me."  I find it to be funny, a bit risque, and yet, somewhat a funny way to present portions of truthful events.  I live in a technical era that offers so many ways to get the gratification I search for.  If my laptop internet streams too slow for live-streaming?  If SiriusXM doesn't have it?  The new Android most likely has it somewhere.



  My EVO has an application called "Tune In Pro" that allows me to search and tap into live streams of radio WORLDWIDE. I can listen now, record these to listen to later, fast forward, rewind, etc.  I can search by title of a program, local station, genre, or just by letting the Android tell me what is on. Over 5,000 options.  By the way, even for a multi-tasker like me? That is 4, 999 more radion stations than I can enjoy at one time!

I knew August 20, 2011 was Saturday.  Where was my NPR radio show?  I made it my agenda to LAUGH dammit.  Man!  I ended up being thwarted in every corner and aggravated at trying to find what I put my hopes on to make me laugh!  Aiyiyiyi!

 The program is contingent upon good cell phone signal coverage.  And my opinion? Sprint has the absolute lousiest coverage of all the providers!  As I drive on my job, I am forever having to reboot my Sprint computer aircard for my laptop and my cell phone to get back in the stream.  How annoying! 

If I am recording on Tune In?  Well, it gets a burp in the stored program every time I lose signal or have to reboot.  Yesterday? I swear it seemed like every time it was a punchline to a joke, or an answer to a question? A wrinkle in time and I lost signal!!!  Grrrr.

So, I had a brainstorm!!!  This is at least a nationwide NPR program.  I could find it in, say, Pacific time zone and program it to record for later.  Meanwhile, I stumbled upon podcasts of "Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me" with weekly dates up to August 13th.

FINALLY!!! This is where I found humor to make up for the humorous radio I was being gypped of!  Here is my punchline - " Next week's podcast will be last week's broadcast copy of today's show."

I simply need to be patient 604,800 seconds until this time next week, to hear today's show.

It failed to humor me then, that all of the podcasts are new material to me, since I just discovered them yesterday.

To sum this all up, as I can feel my steam is seeping out?  The "Do XXXXX or you will fail, Jan" comes from my work on my job as a truck driver.  It was when I was a lease operator and my aggressive driver manager pushed his equally aggressive driver (me) to succeed in the business model. 

450 miles a day or you will fail, Jan.

750 miles on Monday, did not excuse a 350 mile day on Tuesday. To the pair of us?  I had shown I had the potential for a 750 mile day each and every time.

It also goes back to a phrase I heard all through my growing up years. "You are falling so far below your potential. What a waste."... well, somehow, that didn't motivate me to "SHOW THEM",,, it eventually came to, "Well, FINE, I won't fricking ever be good enough anyway, so I aint gonna bust a gut trying this time either."
 
Today, I refuse to fall into that trap or lie!!!

I end up leaning more to the "450 miles a day or you will fail" mentality.

Push myself to my edge, then tomorrow? Strive to BETTER MY BEST.

This can be a powerful tool to spur me onward.  Right now though, it is making me tired to my core of always falling just short of the mark I set in my own path.  Especially since I do not control many aspects of trucking business. 

The only parts I do control? MY alarm clock, my calendar, my time spent attending to the driving, the fewer, shorter stops better.

I am watching my life pass by at 62 mph in a huff of sick diesel fumes.

Currently, I have an agressive driver manager again.  This man does not believe he needs to consult me when he plans my loads. He expects me to go when and where I am told, when he tells me to do so.  This grates on my every last nerve.

I am an intelligent, thinking, rational human being and I can choose when and where, how and what route to go,,, as long as the WHY is covered,,, which is simple - safe! on time! pick up and delivery! professional, attentive customer service at my own HIGH STANDARD.

The driver manager discovered I will run my heart out.  So he has gotten a bad habit of planning me back to back, grueling, very tight deadlines that "rescue" loads and drive his/my miles up per week.  It pays to have me on a fleet.  It pays me to have a manager like him behind me. Together? We are killing my desire to keep going on!

This week?  I pushed HARD out of the gate!  Almost immediately, circumstances caused me to sit 20 hours UNPRODUCTIVE, then "help me out",,, so I ran hard and furious to back his play.

Got to the next one? He has booked me back to back, no wiggle room. I had better plan on a tailwind to push my truck 63 mph, and not drink any water that day.

Get almost to the destination (projected on time, btw) and he slings me to rescue another driver's load, who is already TWO fricking hours late.

I have remained in that 1-2 hour late status the rest of the week.  You can't make it up.

i am failing at my job. Just as I failed to not overthink free writing. Just as I failed to see how in God's green earth I can add ONE MORE 10 minute routine to my day!!!!!!!!!!

Will I get relief?  COUNT ON IT!  Will I perservere? Yep!  Will I get righted and get on top of my own work ethic? You bet your A$$.

Right now? I have 100 minutes. That's  6,000 seconds left before I have to blast off on a Sunday to commence today's effort to catch up from the hell hole of "failures" of last week.  How I spend that finite, exact, specific allotment of "time"?

Is up to me.

Getting off the computer to find a way to raise my emotions, my vibrations and my attitude?

Count on it,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Hot Florida Days, Cool Me

WOW!!! I have to say that again, WOW!!

Earlier this week, I received a very gracious invitation to drop by into a friend's Florida vacation and family get- together. I promptly used my word prowess to convince work that I needed the weekend off duty for a "family reunion". Truth :)

As a truck driver, miles to a destination are relative. Some I get paid to perform. Some I pay to execute. My excitement affects my overall mood. This weekend, I enjoyed a bonanza of reunions from the full out surprise, to the carefully established. I stayed with my best friend Friday, Saturday and today, but only got to sit down to share a meal and fellowship today. She was out of town all weekend herself, giving me free rein of her home. That's love.

At least one of each - the friend I saw 2 weeks ago. The friends I saw sometime so far this year. The friends I saw 10 years ago. The friends I saw 25 years ago. The family I had yet to meet. The internet connection I nurtured 5 years and finally met in person today.

 

 

Blessed with free lodging and respite, I based out these visits out of Osceola County. My friends and their families were primarily in Polk and Lake Counties. From laughter that hurt my sides and made my face red, to those precious moments that catch your breath and skip your heart's beat, to the body's overflow of a teardrop's course, I travelled 600 miles IN MY CAR in 3 days to too many loving arms to mention.

Over 300 miles in my truck on Friday, and 700 miles coming up in my semi on Monday. Whew, a bit daunting.

I go from solitude in my truck, to two weekends in a row of full out LOVE and embraces. I am a bit soggy and squishy in the love department right now. Like sleep hours, do you ever wish you could bank the hugs up for a starless night?

Ever notice? People want to bless you. One of the first things they think of is to feed you. And trust me, home cooked meals, fellowship, and camaraderie are gifts! But to see as many friends as I did in the past three days? It felt like a Progressive dinner. Everyone wants to feed me, and feels offended if you just ate. LOL. People are just sweet like that. And it comes in waves, and very grateful for every presentation of Life's generousities. The dry and lonely periods are just as certain as the open arms moments. That is just the give and take of Life. In my Dad's wisdom, "Some days are just better'n others."

 

 

Sunday night after the Grand Finale seafood dinner with my best friend and her 12 year old daughter, Morgan, I  decided I would get more bang for my hours to drive home to Sunrise, FL and sleep in my truck tonight for a few hours before taking off to Birmingham, than if I tossed and fretted a few hours in the wonderful real bed at my BF house. This way, it is cooler driving (no car a/c), if I have car troubles, I have time to resolve them and not be late to work, and I think I can let my mental guard down at the end to REST better, knowing all I have to do is show up to work.

Sitting out by ponds, on patios and porches, by myself and with groups of people, extremely at ease and in my element, all five senses were innundated with the sensations of what one could only call "home". The crickets, owls, scented breezes, buzzing bugs, ebb and flow of conversations and of God- moments, cloud animals drifting, and Central Florida's omnipresent humidity just made the welcome of blanketing memories fill the tanks for the times ahead. Reminded of the oil lamps in the temples. Full, from the inside out, keep the lamps trimmed and burning.

Since many of the get togethers were of a "reunion" or meet and greet in nature, the same questions were asked over and over and over again. I could get tired of it. But, instead, I know that being a female truck driver holds a mystique, and it is my gift to the world to be able to put someone in the driver's seat to share my adventures and explorations. God gave me wings and wheels, I can pass it along. It is my joy to do so and I never weary of the questions and discoveries.

Last night though,surrounded in roomful of loving people, in a quiet moment where I was present, but it was not my turn to speak, I felt a peaceful knowing go through my marrow. No one asked me this one question all weekend, but I came away with a self-knowledge.

I am cool with me.


I am comfortable in my own skin.


I am WHOLE.

The recent years when I was unhappy or pressed down? That was the foreign land to me. My personal normal is to be ON FIRE for life and for God. To have been given multiple second chances? To have been demonstrated mercy and grace from God and his ambassadors here on the earthly realm? These love offerings fueled my resident fires.

At my lowest points in the past few years, I may have been nearly extiguished. A smoking flax He will not put out, nor will he break the tender, bruised reed. (paraphrased) But inside me smoldered my passions, my calling, the reason for it all!

To have been reborn and stirred anew is invigorating!

The days may be hot, but I am one cool lion. And I feel a serious R-O-A-R coming on. Lookout!

One provoked lamb,

Jan M. Olsen

~J~

I tried to sum my heart's view point up on Facebook, but only those who were with me, get the full impact :

I love how we are all connected. Sometimes, there is a heart bond. It's alot like the warmth that family brings into your spirit. An acceptance and a Knowing. A place of safety, love, and stability. This can be from blood relations or those wonderful souls that graft you in. Being back in my hometown area of Polk County has been a flood of love and joy. My cup runneth over. So blessed.

Stop Shopping, NanaJ!

I am having so much fun!! I give alot of things new and used to strangers and friends.  It brings me AWESOME joy to provide the unexpected. The giver is ALWAYS the blessed party. You simply cannot out give God.

It is just as much fun when I can give to a family member and be there to see their response and capture their smile in my heart.  Such will be the case very soon.  It is Jeremiah's first birthday on March 21st.  And his momma is over 5 months pregnant with his brother.  Alisha works a total of 3 roles at two restaurants.  She needs clothes that fit or expand with her for work attire. Some of the black shirts esp are new, in sizes for now, and when she is almost due in July.  And since both Chili's and Applebees require black shirts???  I made sure to get her some pink, green and blue for her down times.

For my Little Dude? A used  Blues Clues backpack full of $. 25 books  :-)

 Today, I had a few down hours in Ballwin, MO (St. Louis) and I used my time to go catch up at the laundry mat.  Next door? A St. Vincent De Paul's thrift store.  Not only did I get Jeremiah Tommy Hilfiger, Blues Clues, and OshKoshBGosh for $1 each piece?  The funds go to a great cause. So I am helping even as I am blessing Alisha's young family! 3 pairs of maternity jeans for $3 each!  And a rolling suitcase for Jan with palm trees on it for $3. It has all of its zippers and will be super easy to spot on the luggage conveyor belt at baggage claim! 

This added 30 minutes to my laundry duties, as I went and freshened up the new stuff as well.

I am exercising EXTREME RESTRAINT though to STOP buying clothes, books, and gifts.  I HAVE TO CARRY IT AS LUGGAGE!!! Hello!  Nana!!! Wake up!! lol.

Jeremiah busted his lip today. It bled. He did not even cry but it shook up his mommy.  LOL,,, give her a few more months.  Between 2 sons?  She will get over her nervousness pretty quick and adopt some sort of "If you ain't dying, I don't want to hear about it" routine.  Big grin!

Along the lines of not being able to outgive God, He also makes provision for me when I get "me" out of His way and let him bless me.  This trip was in danger of being too expensive. The flight is 2-3 times what it was in October. To even it out, I secured truly luxurious hotel accommodations for super cheap.  After a few days of wondering if this was the right time to make this trip?  I took the leap of faith last night and paid for flight and hotel. 

Alisha made a comment in passing the other night when she said that Jeremiah is now big enough to hug her back.  I suppose that was the exact moment I KNEW that this trip to Colorado needed to happen in the here and the now. 

If anyone wants to help me out?  They can zap me with electricity when I try to shop for them before I arrive in their town.  Or hold my wallet.  As it is, it's at least $25 for one checked baggage per flight. And as it is still obviously Winter in southern Colorado??  I think I need a little bit of layers and clothes for me too.  Big grin!

Please bear with me. It takes me sooo long to make a decision. So much back and forth. Once I declare it?  I am on it like a pitbull on a ham bone.  

Meanwhile, it is my joy and fun to continue to give and bless all of whom God lays on my heart.  It is a beautiful life. I choose to share it and all the bounty thereof.  I can not take anything in a UHaul behind my hearse, so I choose to lift another's spirits while I am yet living.

My gift, my privilege,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Attitude of Gratitude

Simply GRATEFUL.

My health. My friends. The capacity to love. Music. Angel. Alisha. For compassionate Daddy/God hugs. For my heavenly daddy and for his lap and snuggles. Writing. My job as a driver. For teaching. For Aaron for Angel. For Tony for Alisha.  For Jeremiah.  For cell phones. For pictures. For emails. For tears that fall and wash my eyes. For tears that sit in my chest and ache.My own Inner Drum.  For funny movies, videos. Alan. Mark. Nanci. Rob. Allison. Isaac. Pastor. Rick. Brian. Peter. Theresa. Terry. Charlie. Erin. Rebekah. Michael. Tommy. East - West coast. North-South. Worldwide. Time.

For Dallas prayers.

For my Inspirationators.

For the sleep i got last night. For waking up today with this list going over and over in my head.  For baseball. For trombones. For guitars. For trains. For finding old friends that I was close to. For building up friends that were acquaintances. For new connections. For people I will meet today.

Freedom.

For whistling. Humming. Grooving. Dancing. Breathing. Meditating. Praying. Reading. Learning. Dreaming. Stretching. Growing.

For songs that get stuck in my head. For dreams with songs. For the new song in my heart. Singing to the angels. Singing out loud. Passion. Life is a song.

For hope. For revelations. For change.  For Empty Nest. For my divorce. For Lewis moving on.  For my mistakes. For God's forgiveness.

For my forgiving others. Loving others. Caring for others. Reaching out to others. Encouraging others. Assisting others. Connecting others.

 Gifts of service. Giving mail, cards, notes.  Calling a Stranger by their name. Holding the door open. Extra tip for service. Paying for a stranger's meal. Anonymous. Quiet. On the Down Low.

For the glow. For the light. For the shine. For the bounce. For the sparkle. For the zest. For the crackle. For the enthusiasm. For the joy!  For the happy!

For hair. Skin. Senses. Organs. Hands. Feet. Head. Heart. Emotions. Feelings. Wild. Tame. Brilliant. Awesome. Amazing. Gifts. Touch.Texture. Exploration. Curiosity. Discoveries. Sensations. Warm. Hot. Cool. Wet. Trembling. Quivering. Shocking. Knowing. Giving. Receiving. Trying.

Brown paper bags. Depths. Reaches. Shallow. Desire.

For smiles - Of laughter. Of puzzle. Of knowing. Of questioning. Of reassurance. Of tolerance. Of hope.  Of dreaming. Of trying. Of pain. Of success. Of failure. Of setback. Of getting up again. Of new ideas. Of revelation. Of inspiration. Of relief. Of the light bulb going on. Of the siren screaming. Of jokes. Of being impish and fun. Of silly. Of goofy. Of lighting up a room. Of lightening a heart. Of love. Of pleasure. Of affection. Of peace. Of knowledge.

For my questions. For my answers. For my puzzles. For my incessant rambling. For my desires. For my curiosity. For my hunger.

For pain. For being alive. For feeling everything so deeply.  For being raw. Transparent. Unable to hide. Open. Available. Independence.

For space. For echoes. For void. For whispers. For too much space. For crowding. For vacant, painful space. For fresh space. For things to protect the space. For things to fill the space. For people. Laughter. Love. Suffocating silence. Agony of alone. Cherish alone. Peace. Contrast and Congruence.

For conception. For Process. For birth. For miracle. For wonder. For awe. For death. For pain.

For Addy and Meeshu. Misty and Feylin. Alayna. Ally. Anna. Geo.

For indoor restrooms and the people that pee on them.

For people that listen. For people that stay. For people that leave. For people that pass through for a reason. For angels.

For compassion. For patience. For kindness. For tenderness. For affection. For attraction. For gentleness. For thoughtfulness. For empathy. For solace. For mercy. For grace.  For redemption. For more chances than I deserve.

For thunderstorms that rock and sway. For snow and ice. For blue skies and no clouds. For white puffy, 7 minute frosting clouds. For being an optimist. For hope. For belief.  For rainbows. For shades of color unimaginable. Birds. Stars.

For mistakes. For lessons. For loss. For opportunities. For blessings. For favor. For heights. For depths. For loneliness.  For silence. For giggles. For squeals. For sleepless nights.  For heart pain. For mind pain. For body pain. For Soul anguish. For Intercession. For the battle. For warfare. For victory. For defeat. For losing a battle, but winning the war. For drive. For getting back up. For  not quitting. For not giving up.

For surviving.

For mom. For dad. For fishing. For reading. For hiking. For lakes! For oceans. For books.

For gardens. For hammocks. For loungers. For sweet iced tea. For swaying boats. For mists that rise. For splashes. For tugs. For front porch swings. For rear porch swings. For rocking chairs and gliders. For ropes. For ladders. For bridges.

For locked doors. For iron. For dungeons. For stairways. For light. For Opportunities. For open doors and windows. For courage. For discernment. For faith. For trying. For door knobs. For dragons. For the Prince.

For reconciliation. For walls. For armor.For castles. For bridges. For inroads. For offerings. For openings. For chinks. For weapons. For mercy. For chances. For forgetting. For letting go. For being vulnerable. For being gentle with others.  For whispers. For roars. For whoops. For unspoken. For LOOKS. For eyes, oh! For the eyes.  For touch.

For bounty. Plenty. Abundance. Overflow. Gifts. Sharing. Space. Simplicity. Echoes. Radar.

For tremulous hope.

For TRIUMPH!

For people that stay. That withstand. That hold. That last. That care. That listen. That read. That keep their silence. That answer back. That share. That suggest. That forebear. That KNOW. That are clueless. That try. That walk away. That hang in there. That come back. That have years with me. That have only minutes. Those that pass through my life for a time, a season, a reason.

For miracles. For new birth. For new beginnings. For past. For old ways. Old traditions. For heritage. For roots. For new trails yet to blaze. For excitement. For Adventure.  For mountains. Valleys. Plateaus. Rocks. Holes. Pits. Canyons. Deserts. Dust. Lush. Curves. Detours. No Wrong Turns. Construction zones. Chasms. The abyss. Shorelines. Tides. Anchors. Moorings. Buoys. Lighthouses.

For anyone that reads this.

For me.

Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Whoops

ok, I got bored. Actually, I had a "bad" experience at dinner.  A long work day. Not feeling the greatest.  Caved in to taking a work assignment for Thursday that everything in my gut is screaming NOOOOOO about.

Concerned for being alone entirely over the holiday.

waaah waaah waaah....

then as I experiemented with "CHANGES" to the blog set up?? I somehow lost the old tried and true template.  This one is too dark, hard to read.

Before I throw the laptop out the window?? Since it didnt' do anything wrong? LOL.. I am taking my grumpy goat self to bed.  And will FIX the blog later.

Maybe not before Christmas though.  If all goes well?? I will be tuning out Friday-Monday.

Bahhumbug :)

No, really, got plans to be out on my boat in the Winter Haven Chain of Lakes.  Prolly do the really lame single person trick of going to the movies the night of the 25th.

Got my wine corkscrew in my travel bag!!! 

See ya on the other side!
HooAhh!
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

AhhhEEEEeee!!! Geuax Saints in Mississppi!

December Greetings!!! As I work my way through a week that has already given me much in the ways of opportunities to grow in God and to be more like Him in HIs character?  I am reminded by the Spirit that the CHRISTmas season is all about what has already been given,, in the person of Christ Jesus.... and of seeing each other, our lives, our world the way HE sees it. I am reminded when I am short of temper or patience with another? He would not act the way I have. I have a choice in this. Let the healing begin here, with me.

We can all point to our challenges.  What keeps us awake at night? Who is on our prayer list, every time? Who stirs us to compassion as we brush shoulders in a world full of busy people?

Many people are hurting inside. This may not show. They may compensate by being brusque. Funny. Always down. Always up. Some close in to themselves. Some reach out more.

I am amazed at the GOODNESS GOD HAS POURED INTO ME BY THE RIVERS!!!!   Yes, I am alone, at a time of year that typically is celebrated by parties, assemblies, family gatherings.  But, I am alive this year again. Well able to work. Blessed this year with the regional job I now work for.

And daily, minute by minute, I look around me for windows to open, for doors to show their knob & for the courage to twist it.  I have embarked on a self-help Journey to finding true love (love of myself), true happiness (to be residing in  happy, not just in a moment, person, or thing), to choosing to love more fully, to forgive all injustices, to give myself some space and slack to make mistakes so that I may learn from them.

Gifts of people, places, things, that I may share my knowledge of God and Truth. That I may be God's hands, feet, voice, HIS laughter and his embracing arms to another.  To give them monetary gifts or tangible items from my bountiful blessings that run out of my being.

Below is a cute note written at a truck stop in Southern Mississippi last night.  I had a wonderful blessing of being loved by my fellow man and they brightened my day.  Let the JOY of the season, the Spirit of Giving in this simple story from the road give you a lift and a smile!
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Brookhaven, MS Sunday night


Grooving to a radio station that has played songs from "Sweet Home Alabama" , Peter Frampton and that song where the guitar talks, to "Here Without You" RUSH!!! "Limelight" to "Sleigh Ride" with a female jazz singer and incredible full band sound to "Centerfold"! My my my!!! Mix it up!!!! Huge grin!!! Earlier in ATL was scattin' and funkin' with the black folks on their themed jazz, Blues, R&B station!!

The happy-ness of this evening is being in the TRUE South!! Florida doesn't count, such a melting pot. GA, parts of it. Beginning in SC, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisianna, Texas,,, it is like tonight, went inside the truck stop, as I came out, the young clerk opened the door for me "Ma'am, you have a nice night. Be safe out there and Merry CHristmas."

In a world of microwaves??? Tonight, after only 475miles got to my delivery. I had parked at Wesson, MS where I am now, about 12 miles from del. For some reason (spirit prompting) I decided to look again at the load assignment. WOW!!! Instead of 1300 on 12/20???? It was 0100 on 12/20!!!!!!! I was aiming to be 12 hours late, sitting on it!!!! My goodness! So I called them, a Wal-Mart Dist Center and he said I can come anytime since it is a drop and hook.

When I show up, two good ol' boys as guards. The older distinguished gentleman says "Hey! I know you! You just called me! How are you?"

The other younger guy, eating, mumbles, "Hi, I 'm doing okay too."

I ask, "HEY! IS THAT RED BEANS AND RICE????? It looks like it came from cooking all day, slow and sweet in a crock pot, not a microwave?"

Old guy, Mike, says, "would you like some? Bowl's over there."

Sure enough, an oblong crock pot full of RB&R and sausage, 2 kinds.

Mike tells me to get some cornbread too. Says his wife had made that up for them. I'm telling you, glass plate, homemade cornbread muffins, covered in foil,,, a red velvet cake on a platter,,, the crock pot... OMG!!!

I stand there and dig in,,, the younger guy wipes sweat from his forehead (I didn't catch on fast enough,,,,) ,,, Barton says, "There's deer sausage in there along with the link.,,,,,,, you aint allergic to anything are ya?"

OH DEAR GAWD!! Good thing I am NOT allergic to anything!!! LOL I was half through the bowl!!! And it wasnt spicy,, not like Barton's sweating and eyes watering made it seem. Whew! Close call ;-)

I go make my drop, hook to an empty,,,, I was going back to the truck stop in Wesson to get dinner at the 24 hr diner,, now I am fed and happy. I asked Mike, "Sir? I saw that was your last bowl. Do you need some?? I have some in my truck and don't want to take your last one?"

He said he had more,, but "Would you like some of the Red Velvet cake too? c'mon back inside!"

Then Barton, Mike and I got to talking,, I said I recognized the RB& R from the 11 years at Ft.Polk, LA,,, where we are tonight is only 130 miles to New Orleans on I-55 south. Barton's brother served the same time we were there!!! I told him since we were in the band, we travelled the entire South on tour,,,, commands and all the festivals, everyone wants to appreciate the soldiers by feeding them,,,, thus the RB&R....

He said,"you want to appreciate a soldier? Feed them a hot meal." I said, "yes, if one is in line behind me??? I pay for them."

You know??? I just love the generosity and free spirit of Southerners... I told Mike to tell the "Missus thank you". He said "well, come for a homecooked meal anytime."

WOW!!! People just slay me with their openness,,, if you let them,, they will bless you!!!
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Blessed and a knowing of this making me smile,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

We Have A Plan :-)

WOW!!  I can begin to take a deep breath or three of relief!!  FINALLY goodness, gracious, we have a semblance of order and a Plan of Action!!! Just when I thought I needed an Alka Seltzer and Valium!!!

It is rough when a List Maker is in relationship with a Procrastinator!!!!   I may have lists telling me to look at my other list???? Slightly disorganized?   The polar opposite is a slug of a procrastinator that just ambles along, if Life happens it happens, eventually!!   I am a Shaking and Baking kind of person! Let's MAKE IT HAPPEN, FOLKS.... Angel is ... okay,,,, it will get done later, maybe.

URGH!!!

The trucking industry with its Feast or Famine method is always on my last nerve.  I like to have a plan, backing, up the plan I am already on.  One of the hardest lessons in trucking was "TRUCKING HAPPENS"  which translates to don't make doctor or dentist appointments, court dates, or plan to attend Life events such as weddings, baby arrivals, funerals etc. 

I have known for  a month the date of Angel's induction ceremony.  For this whole  month now, in my mind, I was off duty on Friday, drive the 250 miles across desolate Alligator Alley in my car to Tampa, spend time with the kids, attend the ceremony, go to Sunday church with them, then drive 250 back to SoFL so I can go to work driving my semi truck.  There is not much room for variation or delay in this PLAN which makes PERFECTLY GOOD SENSE to "ME".

Enter my job and Angel's schedule. Now that she is married?? Add Aaron's work schedule. (growl).  Then add that it is December, the slap craziest scheduling time of the year!!!! Did I mention it is end of semester, Finals, and all the assignments and deadlines are due???

Then Monday, maybe Tuesday,,, just 3 days before the PLANNED AHEAD VISIT, Angel comes up with, "Well, we haven't had time to clean the house. You need to get a motel room instead of staying here."  WTH!!!  OH!! And she also has 18 HOURS (!!!!) of Clinical Observations and reports to knock out!!!!!!!!!!!!   WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?

YES, I am almost in utter freaking out meltdown mode!!!!  

Somehow, it also became important to them that Aaron join us on our visit and they decided it would be a great thing if I drive them to a movie theatre so we can spend 2-3 hours of our visit sitting UNABLE TO TALK in the newest Harry Potter movie.. and "Oh won't it be so bonding spending "quality" time together as a family, Mom?"

HELL NO!!!   Movies as dates or Family Time is SUCH an oxyMORON because all the hours of driving, ticket buying, waiting in multiple lines, and sitting during the show are flushed down the toilet, when people could be having meaningful conversations, walking, talking, visiting together.  I am grumpy about this part of it too!

So what did I do??? Angel has 8 hours of Observation on FRIDAY "OUR" day together... she wont get free until 4:30pm. Now it is FRIDAY Tampa 5pm traffic!! They want the 7pm movie showing across town from their apartment!

 My work, actually DID get me off duty at midnight tonight.  I am declaring MUTINY!!! I am NOT, absolutely NOT driving to Tampa to sit in the parking lot of her apartment, or worse with Numb Nuts while she is at her thing across town!! NOT HAPPENING!!!  

I have decided to "be good to me"... I am taking the 9am-11am *Kundalini Class(see below) at the Yoga Connection.  THEN and ONLY THEN will I shower up and drive 5-6 hours to see my kid!

This is probably our "holiday" visit.  Last year??? I FLEW Angel from Tampa to Ft. Lauderdale and rented a hotel for a weekly rate!!!  It was worth the money to me to buy TIME to just BE with her!!!  She had the nerve then to lament that "vacation to me is not doing anything, you plan all our moments." (even plan in time to just NOT do anything, lol)

WHO DA PLANNER NOW, Kiddo????

After this?  I will need to go back to work to get Time Off.  To be fair, same goes for Angel with her school schedule.  And Aaron works retail, so December is feasting hours for him too.

"Mom, can you stop by the storage shed and pick up some of my books to bring to me?"

NO!! OVER THE TOP!!! OVERLOAD!!! BEEP BEEP BEEP!!! WARNING!!! RED LIGHT WARNING!!! MOM IS TOAST!!!!  BAck up!!! She's gonna BLOW!!!!

@#$(*&>?%&

sigh,,, "the most wonderful time of the year,,,,"

indeed  :-)

Jan M. Olsen
~J~

* KUNDALINI YOGA

Known as the mother of all yoga, Kundalini yoga combines postures, breathing techniques and meditation. Kundalini is a less physical form of yoga, which focuses on balancing one's spiritual anatomy so that the student can experience deeper levels of meditation. This very powerful technology has lasting effects that stay with the students helping them to feel a true sense of calm making them happier and more peaceful in their day to day lives. Julie's teaching style keeps its roots in India and is true to the method passed down by Yogi Bhajan.

It's THAT Time of Year Again

Here we are! The year TwentyTen is fast drawing to a close.  I don't make specific New Years Resolutions.  If I find a trait to adapt, chances are it won't wait until January 1st on NEXT YEAR'S calendar.   Life is such  a Process of Give and Take. Truly Beautiful when you think of it. You can't admit to being tired of something in your life, without also deciding to improve on it. All year long :)

During my married years, we played the in-laws game. We tried vainly to please this set or that set. All while establishing traditions for our own 4 members. Soldiers, church, jobs....When we got divorced in 2000, now we have to add Dad's house, My House, all the Grands, and any blended familes as well.  What was a JOYous season, became incredibly frustrating, chaotic, never satisfying ANYONE, and often it called to notice just how PAINFUL divorce is on the partners AND the children involved.

Especially in the first years, it was easier and kinder to just tell my junior high and senior high school-age girls to go stay with their Dad. He was lonely all the time. Visitation schedules SUCK!!! He is a limp weenie, but  I am resilient. I was also overwhelmed with rejection, loss of the ideal of "Till Death Do Us Part", strapped financially, working overtime, then a second, then a third job.

So it became a gift to me to go out on the lake alone before daylight,,, just me and my little boat, maybe Addy.  At the time I was quite jaded and sniffed "If I'm gonna be alone anyways, I may as well not sit at the house to do it." Thanksgiving and Christmas became JUST ANOTHER SET OF PAINFUL DAYS TO SURVIVE.

Then with Lewis, and how we all four loved one another, we built new traditions!  More than a meal, it was our thing to go to a specific movie on Christmas Day as a unit  we saw ALL THREE  of the "Lord Of The Rings" Trilogy in theatres, on CHRISTMAS DAY as part of "our" bond!!!

Then,, after 2 1/2 marvelous years,  he left too,,, and the girls and I each cut adrift, separating from each other emotionally in our OWN  raging seas of pain, loss, lack of faith....  that was a DECIDING STRAW to break the camel's back.  Holidays can take a FLYING LEAP AT THE MOON!!!

This year, Fall of 2010 has been an awakening!!!  First, seeds of forgiveness sprouted.  Then came Reunion and Union. The family GREW by adding Aaron to Angel's life, and my grandson, Jeremiah to Alisha & Tony's lives. Next, Reconcillation began to bud and prosper. Alisha began to contact first one, then awhile later, another,, then another of her extended family after several years of cold separation! 

This past year I EXPERIENCED LOVE FIRST-HAND with Pastor Hattabaugh and the Pentecostals of Cooper City.

 As LOVE  was so patiently demonstrated, and as people literally HELD ME until the fear and trembling in me subsided, I began to BELIEVE again,,, in LIFE,, in LOVE... in HOPE.... in my Song - Laughter, Singing, Dancing..... in a Future where it is safe to dream, to be loved, and to love in return.

FULL MEASURE.... still working on that one myself... not holding back, in Limbic Flight or Fight.

Today and tomorrow marks several HUGE FIRSTS!

• Angel and Aaron's first Thanksgiving as a married couple.  They are taking the day to just BE TOGETHER and go out to a nice dinner somewhere as a treat to themselves.
• Alisha, Tony, and Jeremiah have made friends in Colorado, and religious preferences are being put aside. They are going to their friends' house for Thanksgiving meal.
• My brood is settled :)   Jan, is now free to let herself have good things in her life.  I have realized that work will still be here on Friday.  I am celebrating Thanksgiving with beloved church families in SoFL.

Also, when Lewis left us, my long-time counsellor and love/ friend, Dr. Isaac B. Deas told me there were two things he did not want to see me become. Bitter and a workaholic.  I promptly became BOTH. Sigh... well, I never got hard core bitter...  Somehow,, no matter many times i get pummelled into the dust by Life, I roll back to my feet with that goofy "hit me again, that didn't hurt" grin on my face.

Jaded? Yeah. Workaholic? Oops... guilty.

So, Jan is STILL working on that last one!!!  GRIN!!!!  If I work my guts out, I am too tired to care (yeah I know,, it didn't quite work out that way, did it???),, and I earn stupid good money that I can just GIVE away because it DOESN'T buy health, happiness, relationship, connection etc....

As this "whatever it is fever" has socked me for so long?? I am ready to give up....  but can't stop working. I don't know how :-(

For me to even consider holiday time off ??? Is HUGE -BOMBASTIC - MONUMENTAL-
 OF EPIC PROPORTIONS!!!

But when I received at least TEN Facebook and POCC invitations, I got to thinking, I can still help drivers get home. I can do it locally. I can still end up off-duty at the same time everyone else is. Usually, the loads are timed to force the drivers to shut down for safety wherever they happen to land.

WHY NOT NEAR MY CHURCH FAMILY AND  PERSONAL CAR?????

Then,, to get a motel room, second time in a week???  CRAZY OPULENCE AND WASTE OF money resources on me,,,, but,, the real bed DID feel SOOOOO GOOD!!!

Again, why not???  I hear alot, from different sources to be good to myself, take good care of me, be kind to myself. Etc...

Why not?

Worth a try.... shucks,, I've tried so many other things in my short life.  Why not try being nice to me too???

lol

So,, here I am. Gonna click send,, and then pack my  duffle bag for 2 days off.  Go buy groceries to make dishes to carry to the Feist's house. And GO TO THE WINDY BEACH AND CHECK INTO MY OCEANFRONT HOTEL ROOM AND CATCH SOME SALT, SUN, and SAND in my hair!!!

I deserve it,, or so I hear ;-)

Happy Thanksgiving to all,, and to all a good night =)

Jan M. Olsen

~J~

A Spirit of the Familiar

If I'm not careful, I notice lapsing into old habits of eating or of treating my body, thinking of comfortable (also some not -so- comfortable) relationships, old attitudes or ways of approaching and thinking of Life.

I wonder why? Is it less scary than the Unknown? Chances are, the old ways were not very fulfilling to my Life's Calling. There are some great things to glean from the Past. But I don't want the disappontments of weeds and vines to trip me holding me down.

While driving the night shift down to Miami for holiday Time Off, I noticed letting the radio dial linger on music that was familiar, but not anything that I enjoyed or could sing along with.Why did I tune in? Tolerating it?

Changing that dial is so simple, really.Getting in touch with my abundant Blessings is a choice I made a long time ago. Sadly, I get caught up living a dance to music that I don't even know or like. Foreign to me. Keeps me out of sorts. Another uncomfortable role for me.

Once upon a time, there was a tender-hearted, happy-go-lucky girl. She got caught up surviving Life. Time to find her and get back to who I am deep inside. Resurrect that part of a smoking flax in me that flickered, but didn't extinguish.

So, reaching up to tweak the controls on the FM dial- Familiar Mentality. Honing in on what's Authentic, Genuine, Personal and Inspiring.

Rewarded by Love, Laughter, Song, Dance and Adventure! Enjoyment for the Living NOW and hope for the Promising Future Growth as a Woman of Purpose!

Tuning in,
Jan M. Olsen
~ J~
Sent Urom my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

So Close, So Far Away

Bridge system spanning the Kentucky- Illinois stateline, I-24 wb

Passed through Paducah, KY around noon today. A spot in the road. A small dot on the grand scale of the atlas. But it happens to only be 1 1/2 hours away from where my girl-Love of My Life lives in Evansville, IN.

Here is a portion of our bittersweet banter today:

You had me from hello. The only thing that makes our goodbyes tolerable or worth a damn is they bring us just that much closer to our next HELLO. (Terry)

XOXO - I know...it seems like i have freedom, but i keeep a pretty strict route and schedule.....all subject to change when Life socks the Plan in the nose :-(    (me)


If it makes you feel any better? I "walked like an Egyptian" while I "walked that dinosaur" into the store to get my fuel receipt and shower. Ahhh..what to do? (me)

I'm not sure I want to be with anyone that causes so much destruction. (Terry  re: yesterday's fires)

My loving memories gave me a strange urge to slip through the trees into the meadow and do our ancient forms (kata).  We used to practice in our own loving way, matched evenly, CONNECTED out at Toldeo Bend Dam...
 
then,,, to move on, force myself to leave and roll on up Life's highway? Got a hot tea, meal and shower.

While at the truck stop, I went up to the Transflo machine. This scans our trip paperwork to our payroll department,  A strong, brazen woman was there frowning at the machine. She whipped around at my approach and GROWLED, : Here! You go ! I can't figure it out anyway!"

What could I do? "Ma'am, may I talk you through the process with your paperwork first?"

As we went through step by easy step, I said," you might as well embrace this and learn to do it for yourself, The truck stops are putting these self-service scanners in and the staff will no longer be required to Transflo for us."

She ground out, " I'm not embracing anything!! They should provide us with customer service."

I watched her stomp away and felt a bit sorry for her.Thinking, "It must be lonely inside that closed mind and narrow parameter you allow yourself to interact with this dynamic world around you."

For myself?  Chagrined to notice how I really took simple things like hot showers or meals for granted when they were readily available. Realizing how North American-spoiled I am? Grateful for BOTH now.
 
Blessed to have loves of my life in the then, the  here and the now,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Shrugs....

Hmmm,, I KNEW I should have stopped for the night at Cafe Risque in Micanopy!!

((because it is "early" there and still plenty of semi truck parking!!!))

Of course,, I didn't stop, because I spend money in there when I do. 

But,,, even at 10:15pm the major rest area at I-75 nb at Lake City is FULL UP on truck parking!!!  62 miles to the next one,, which will be the Georgia Welcome Center,, and they close the restrooms at 5pm!!! (HUH!??!)

I decided to flip,, go up one exit,, turn southbound and check out the rest area on that side,, flip again in the morning... already passed all the trucks stops in Florida that are in my book.

Lo and behold!!!  At the next exit where I was turning around??  A mom and pop 10 truck slot business,, and a truck pulled out as I came on the lot!!  I GOT THE LAST SLOT!!!

You came too late to say that God and guardian angels do not work to keep us provided for and safe!!!  I won't believe otherwise!

Seems D and R lead normal lives??  At 9:15pm they were already phones off, in bed.  So,, Texts and v-m.... I am reaching out though.

Spent an hour on the phone with my best friend.  AHHHH sooooo good to talk again and LAUGH!!!  We share so much history,, we can make snide comments that make sailors blush with shame,, and to us?? we refer to something our grandmother's could hear!  LOL...  I kept her company on her ride home from work,, as she saw me up I-75 a little further. Nice!

Meanwhile, multi-tasking,, helping a recent Empty Nester WHHS classmate on FB make the treacherous navigations for the Holidays.  Talking others through these roller coaster times helps me find a balance,, and purpose for why I am here as well.  Getting them to talk it through and answer their own situations for what they inherently need for themselves, and what is RIGHT for THEM,,,  gives me ideas on how to cope too.  Because HOLIDAYS flat out SUCK!  Most people, may have CHANGE and new family dynamics?? Alot of them still have people around them.  Learning to be flexible and celebrate the OTHER 363 days a year as well as TG and Dec 25th may help them find GRATITUDE and BLESSINGS right where they are today.

It breaks my tender heart to hear a plaintive "miss you,, or I need Jan -time..."  when I am not really ever physically "there" for anyone.. it's all done by stupid internet and phone calls...  I sure hope i do not exacerbate their lonely feelings?? 

Jan needs mountain ledge time,, but it looks like my work is about to get REALLY crazy!  i am up for the challenge,, just not sure how much OOMPFH I still have in me to perserve until January when the calendar mercifully resets??

I suppose I am questioning "MYSELF " lately,, when in reality??? I wouldn't be sought if I didn't contribute.  Even helped my best friend with her COLLEGE STUDENTS by being her techie guru....

lol... me?  yeah,, that's making ME laugh too, so GO AHEAD!

Those 2 Electronics degrees and that computer programming i did in ancient years gone by?  I feel like a dinosaur.

I am gonna call it an early night... only did 450 miles today,, but if I stop now?? As I travel North and WEST  I will gain hours on the clock,, so that when I get to the majestic Dakotas I will be driving in DAYLIGHT!!!

God bless America,, HE sure did put some extra loving into the creations!
g'nite,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

The human body is an amazing piece of equipment. Strangled on water..not only coughing, it made me SNEEZE water.Tears streaming,first by choking, then  by laughing.

Not to be outdone? My ears just gave a COLOSSAL  *POP*!!!!!!!

Now I sound like Kermit the Frog with razor blades for breakfast as I sing while I drive.  An improvement oif my normal deep singing voice, LOLOLOL!!

 Yay!!! Freedom to sing ftreely!!  =)

There's No Way To Know..... We Have Taken Different Roads,,,

"I try not to think about what might have been,,,, no we'll never know "What Might Have Been"
(Little Big Town)

Seems I am becoming self-aware of a trend for myself? Weekend longings for love,, someone to share my slower, off- peak  times with. I wouldn't expect even a saint to keep up with my insane work schedule, but the more laidback Time Off periods?  Open longings.

That is just where I am. Got to trust that.

Live in this moment, for it exists. It is as real and valid as are  the euphoric times of a job well-done in my industry, or a life touched by a call or email or text... each viable.

Open to what is ahead? It's also okay to go back into Time. Brief forays into the magical creative world of "WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN?"  In this world? No one leaves. No rejections. No sickness. No depravity. No one screws around. No trips to the ER for CAT scans, or closet bruises, cuts, broken bones.

Everyone has a job and loves their day's work, then comes home and June Cleaver has fresh baked bread smelling up the whole house. The porch light is on, the kids come home, bicycles stowed for another night.

M-F, perhaps  I will  skip "Mine and So-and-So's song" because no one is here. Somebody left.  Me or them? Irrelevant.

Fri- Sat-Sun?  Lewis and I HAD  a song,,,, Isaac and I HAVE A SONG NOW,,,, even Ole and I have a few accrued over 15 years of making music together...

Angel - Alisha,,,, even young Jeremiah has a SONG  playing within me.

Certain friends? Yup, I hear an inner melody for them too..

There's one specific Denison & WHHS classmate that I mentor now.  When he calls, I may let him go to voicemail on purpose.  I love to listen to the sounds of his  laughter and smiles  seeping out of his VOICE. That too, is music to my ears.  It also gives me a chance to find out what the topic of today will be, perhaps I will stutter less when we talk on the phone?

The bump bump of the rumble strip? Is music to my ears,, it signifies guidelines and safety practices.

I live in TODAY... Got to trust in RIGHT NOW,,, LIVE IT. LOVE IT. SING IT. DANCE IT. LAUGH IT. CRY IT. FEEL EVERY NUANCE AND BREATH......

On my road, wherever it is leading me today? It is the RIGHT ROAD FOR THIS TODAY,

Trusting, making new music up as i go along,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

A Toast!

Well, I broke down and indulged a craving.  It could have been a big deal, if it was a desire to get plastered, high,  or several other things.  Nah, this one is fairly innocuous ;)

My lymphs are  the size and consistency of golf balls, and they feel at least as painful as being whacked by one too. The fever is soundly in my back, encompassing my entire upright being and all extremities.

EXTREMELY THIRSTY I have opened my SECOND * GALLON* jug of water for today.  Yes, that's right.,,,

SECOND GALLON!

My kidneys work just fine, lol, soooo stopping in Ozark, AL for a pit break, I decided to submit to a craving.  Caramel and hot cocoa.   I have been wanting a cappuchino since it first snapped cold. Love almond amaretto. 

One hot cocoa won't kill me.  Not having it might, LOL... j/k.... trying to laugh when honestly it hurts to do so. LAUGHING ANYWAY  ,,, soooo much better than the alternatives!

Well, better hit the road again before I have to void some more water.  Enjoying American Public Radio broadcasts of "Performance Today" throughout Montgomery, Troy, Dothan, Alabama.  Toured our great NATION via orchestra  galas extraordiairre!

Blessed to be thirsty, and to be able to indulge once in a while :)
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

He Made Me Smile, That Angel- unawares

Here ya go....  I woke up with a song in my heart,,, bubbling up as I whistled my way into the rest area bathrooms to freshen up....

As I came out and older gentleman waited by the door for me.  Asked me about trucking, all the usual, non-imaginative questions.

_Upon parting, he said, "Well, I wish you luck, My Lady."

If I wasn't smiling before we met? 

I AM NOW!!  =D

~J~

Tonite I AM.........

*** SIDE NOTE... I know... I KNOW!!  I really shouldn't TURN THE FULL HEAT OF MY SMILE  onto anyone,,, LOL... couldnt resist though,,,, I fired it up on Sami at Chick-Fil-A.... Poor dude,, DIDNT STAND A CHANCE, lol.  He was a stammering mess.  HOW FUNNY!  I kinda like doing that every now and then,,,, JUST TO MESS WITH PEOPLE! (ROFL)


EXTREMELY.......


VERY EXTREMELY CONFLICTED .....
very - - VERY *VERY* BOUND UP INSIDE....
Feeling a CRUSHING WEIGHT square in my CHEST and CORE BEING!
omw....may HAVE TO DANCE after all ....
when i FINALLY get back to Jax???!!!
i know thats a heavy industrial area....Bet i could find a dark service road and go DANCE my guts out before I BLOW MY BRAINS OUT or screw up somewhere???
FRIDAYS....HEY at leasst I dont have a home.... FRIDAY tends to be "jusst another day"..... that FRIDAY FEELING aint hit me like this since the Perseids.
YIKES!
collateral damage is LIKELY

being "back home"???   i know which radio stations play what,,, and if i cave to an OLD DESTRUCTIVE HABIT OR TWO OR THREE????

IKNOW WHERE I CAN  GO AND FIND JUST ABOUT ANYTHING THAT  gets me through the night.....

C MON SUNSHINE!!
~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

Funny Comments From The Elders Computer Class

80 yr old Resident Angel : "Do people get sick and catch that virus if they touch it?"  The rest of us fell out of our chairs!!!

same Angel ""you mean if you take that little grey cord and connect it into the back of that thing there, then the other end goes into your printer? Is that what you are telling me?"


others:
It's a free download.  "How much does it cost?"

"If there are cookies? Who eats them?"

"Can I click on the paper clip? Will it make me sick?"

"If I have internet at home, am I wireless?"

(I'm soooo sorry,, but this is cracking me up!!)

We downloaded malware software, and Sis Rachel's ran for 12 seconds and had 168 infected files found!  OMW!