Rich and Round and True

I find I do not feel quite like myself sometimes. It may be as simple as forgetting to breathe in pure pleasure or need.  Maybe I do not consecrate time and space to meditate, pray, to dream? I can not tell you the last time I gave in to the urge to dance myself weak.

Today found me at just such an impasse. On the outside looking in? I've had contact with both of my daughters, my brother, my church, my special friends and people deeply important to me. My work is steady in the uncertain way trucking has about it.

I know I am a deep thinker. I have made great strides this year in being less of an obessive planner and in just letting Life and God take me where I need to be. It oftens surprises me at the gifts, blessings and WOW moments that come my way when I get "me" out of the way and submit my will to God.

Today is the third in a row where I have to lay down to sleep by 5pm if I hope to rest on the 24 hour clock.  Also, third day in a row, I will have to commence driving at 2am if I am to arrive on time with my load. Tonight, I parked at a nondescript truck stop, a wide spot in the road, unpaved, unkempt little parking place in Laurens, SC on the I-385 connector from I-85 to I-26.

Out of sorts, grumpy, feeling like a good cry would yield me more benefit than a belly shaking laugh, I set out to stroll with God in the cool of this Autumn evening. Before I began my walk, I listened to Roger Whitaker sing, "Both Sides Now"....

 I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Behind the truck stop led a path past deserted warehouses. It drifted to a gate, and a path beyond it, overgrown. It had animal scat, but no sure footprints or tire marks.  You know me, it was calling my name.  Dusk, cool, South?  Hoping to see forest animals, hear the birds, be gifted with a firefly or two....

The Autumn colors are hanging in there. The woods grew quiet as I intruded, but as I came to a resting place a mile in, I stopped. I breathed in deeply, slowly, deliberately... and I noticed where I held tension. I identified the body parts that hurt and felt constricted.  I then did a variation of meditations by visualizing cool, healing white light, filling the spaces of my hurts, like a balloon.

Then I gently, slowly exhaled. It felt so good, I did it again. Eyes still closed, this time, I took my balled up fists out of my pocket and let my hands relax at my side.

I breathed in LOVE, I breathed out I LOVE.
I breathed in GRATITUDE. I breathed out I AM GRATEFUL.
I breathed in FORGIVENESS. I breathed out I FORGIVE.

I opened my eyes slowly, and I saw crisp clarity. I discerned a single leaf, shaking in the breeze way up high. I heard that the birds had begun to sing again, and could distinguish their parts in the choir. I saw the shades of the reds, yellows, greens of the Fall foliage, and noticed the little wildflowers in the undergrowth.

 The moon was rising 3/4 full in the East above the South Carolina pines, and the sun was in its dying throes somewhere miles behind me, casting brilliant swaths of color from God's pallet to the East in a final farewell to Tuesday, November 8, 2011.  Yes, I really do have to use words like this to describe what I see, feel, hear, experience... this too is just a part of who I am as a communicator.

Do I have the answers to my many questions? Do I have Life (or Love) figured out? Do I know where I am going tomorrow, a week, a year, and decade from now?  NO.

I am reminded I am not living out  my Passionate Purpose while I am isolated over the road as a truck driver.  My heart and passion is to teach, to encourage, to guide.

It was after dark when I stepped out of the bush and onto the bumpy hardball again. It was then that I thought, "I should have danced back there". Ahhhhh,,, my passionate outlet. It has been TOO LONG since I have dressed comfortably and laced on my tennis shoes and danced in the dark until I can no longer stand to my feet.  I have not sang out loud to the angels, God, and sky until I am hoarse and spent.

I am relaxed now more than when I went for the walk to begin with. Now I have a list of things to do in the near future.  To write, to learn, to grow, to explore.  To be me,, and not conform to what others wish I were for them.

Here is a link to the YouTube video and the lyrics to the song. As he sings it so rich and full? It stirs my heart to say, "There is MORE... don't ever give up. This is not the end of hope, of love, of life."

Time to lay down and let the worries take care of themselves. If God grants another day? Face it with joy, happiness and excitement for the living.  Dance and sing a whole lot more. Laugh, write, give ,,, Love, Gratitude, and Forgiveness.

And breathe.... breathe.... breathe,,, open my eyes and soak God in. It is rich and round and true...

Looking at Life from "Both Sides Now",
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
http://youtu.be/Vp8kKAGrhV0

Songwriters: JONI MITCHELL

 

Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere, I've looked at cloud that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things i would have done but clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions i recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and junes and ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real; i've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show. you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "I love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, I've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall.
I really don't know life at all.

Sing With Me, "How Great Is Our God"

Today was a prime example of being reminded full on just how O-O-O God is.  Many of you know me, and remember that is one of my favorite  truths of God- Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient.

Time = a temporal length of event or entity's existence (http://www.thesaurus.com/)

Some of the reminders came from words, well-timed, carefully chosen, and steadfastly presented in emails, comments, texts and conversations.  All of these communication require a sender and a receiver. Perfect timing. Often days in between the orginal and the reply, yet on time, each and every time.  Time :)

Twice today alone, the brad was tacked into my heart by God himself, moving my 80,000 pound truck in JUST THE NICK OF TIME. Twice, vehicles illegally merged into my path. Both times, the instinct to save them, caused me to swerve and fishtail. Both times, vehicles in the next lane to my left also had to readjust.  Each time, the merging offender glared balefully at me even though I am  "Slower Traffic In The Right Lane".  Sigh.... my pet peeve. TWICE!

I also received glad tidings from my youngest daughter.  The new baby is a boy!!!  Young Abraham Anton Johnson should make his appearance into our world approximately July 5, 2011. His big brother, Jeremiah Alon Johnson, will be about 16 months old.  Mom and baby are doing great thus far!

Alisha gave me the go ahead to  shout it out and tell family members and friends!  My first was a text message blitz. The next was to call my Mom & Dad.  Later, I called Michael too. A very few emails and then a FB blast!

It is very painful talking to my Mom. What ,,,, ahhh, I don't even know how to say it. I want to just love her, forgive her, and go on loving her even if unreturned.  But it is hard. I'm a big girl, this shouldn't be bugging me still, but it is.

Hurt today by people, my body weary of the struggle to survive.

Then, as my life opens up to new people? New risks. Today, especially, I am very raw and in need of clarity and respite.

People. Ideas. New ways. Old paths. Soveriegn God.

Weak Jan.

Always loathing my weakness.

So, this is it. Closing this in pain of the heart and mind tonight. In need of alone time with God and Him alone. No one else can fill the void within me ...

So the blessing of today, is that I drove many many miles, to arrive at the receiver at 7:30pm Tuesday for an appointment at 0700, Wednesday.  I am first in the gate. They will take me in at 0300.  In Weston, FL, just 5 minutes from my car and old apartment.

Away from resteraunts, people, other cars, I am parked under an old oak tree, dripping with the ancient Spanish moss of my childhood.  It is no accident that I am here alone, safe. Time carved out for me and God, face to face.

I do not have the heart to sing tonight to anyone or anything. But I will.  It is called a sacrifice of praise. For tonight, I feel even more unworthy than usual. But God knows all. Is all powerful. And is everywhere.  How great is our God.

Jan M. Olsen
~J~

AhhhEEEEeee!!! Geuax Saints in Mississppi!

December Greetings!!! As I work my way through a week that has already given me much in the ways of opportunities to grow in God and to be more like Him in HIs character?  I am reminded by the Spirit that the CHRISTmas season is all about what has already been given,, in the person of Christ Jesus.... and of seeing each other, our lives, our world the way HE sees it. I am reminded when I am short of temper or patience with another? He would not act the way I have. I have a choice in this. Let the healing begin here, with me.

We can all point to our challenges.  What keeps us awake at night? Who is on our prayer list, every time? Who stirs us to compassion as we brush shoulders in a world full of busy people?

Many people are hurting inside. This may not show. They may compensate by being brusque. Funny. Always down. Always up. Some close in to themselves. Some reach out more.

I am amazed at the GOODNESS GOD HAS POURED INTO ME BY THE RIVERS!!!!   Yes, I am alone, at a time of year that typically is celebrated by parties, assemblies, family gatherings.  But, I am alive this year again. Well able to work. Blessed this year with the regional job I now work for.

And daily, minute by minute, I look around me for windows to open, for doors to show their knob & for the courage to twist it.  I have embarked on a self-help Journey to finding true love (love of myself), true happiness (to be residing in  happy, not just in a moment, person, or thing), to choosing to love more fully, to forgive all injustices, to give myself some space and slack to make mistakes so that I may learn from them.

Gifts of people, places, things, that I may share my knowledge of God and Truth. That I may be God's hands, feet, voice, HIS laughter and his embracing arms to another.  To give them monetary gifts or tangible items from my bountiful blessings that run out of my being.

Below is a cute note written at a truck stop in Southern Mississippi last night.  I had a wonderful blessing of being loved by my fellow man and they brightened my day.  Let the JOY of the season, the Spirit of Giving in this simple story from the road give you a lift and a smile!
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Brookhaven, MS Sunday night


Grooving to a radio station that has played songs from "Sweet Home Alabama" , Peter Frampton and that song where the guitar talks, to "Here Without You" RUSH!!! "Limelight" to "Sleigh Ride" with a female jazz singer and incredible full band sound to "Centerfold"! My my my!!! Mix it up!!!! Huge grin!!! Earlier in ATL was scattin' and funkin' with the black folks on their themed jazz, Blues, R&B station!!

The happy-ness of this evening is being in the TRUE South!! Florida doesn't count, such a melting pot. GA, parts of it. Beginning in SC, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisianna, Texas,,, it is like tonight, went inside the truck stop, as I came out, the young clerk opened the door for me "Ma'am, you have a nice night. Be safe out there and Merry CHristmas."

In a world of microwaves??? Tonight, after only 475miles got to my delivery. I had parked at Wesson, MS where I am now, about 12 miles from del. For some reason (spirit prompting) I decided to look again at the load assignment. WOW!!! Instead of 1300 on 12/20???? It was 0100 on 12/20!!!!!!! I was aiming to be 12 hours late, sitting on it!!!! My goodness! So I called them, a Wal-Mart Dist Center and he said I can come anytime since it is a drop and hook.

When I show up, two good ol' boys as guards. The older distinguished gentleman says "Hey! I know you! You just called me! How are you?"

The other younger guy, eating, mumbles, "Hi, I 'm doing okay too."

I ask, "HEY! IS THAT RED BEANS AND RICE????? It looks like it came from cooking all day, slow and sweet in a crock pot, not a microwave?"

Old guy, Mike, says, "would you like some? Bowl's over there."

Sure enough, an oblong crock pot full of RB&R and sausage, 2 kinds.

Mike tells me to get some cornbread too. Says his wife had made that up for them. I'm telling you, glass plate, homemade cornbread muffins, covered in foil,,, a red velvet cake on a platter,,, the crock pot... OMG!!!

I stand there and dig in,,, the younger guy wipes sweat from his forehead (I didn't catch on fast enough,,,,) ,,, Barton says, "There's deer sausage in there along with the link.,,,,,,, you aint allergic to anything are ya?"

OH DEAR GAWD!! Good thing I am NOT allergic to anything!!! LOL I was half through the bowl!!! And it wasnt spicy,, not like Barton's sweating and eyes watering made it seem. Whew! Close call ;-)

I go make my drop, hook to an empty,,,, I was going back to the truck stop in Wesson to get dinner at the 24 hr diner,, now I am fed and happy. I asked Mike, "Sir? I saw that was your last bowl. Do you need some?? I have some in my truck and don't want to take your last one?"

He said he had more,, but "Would you like some of the Red Velvet cake too? c'mon back inside!"

Then Barton, Mike and I got to talking,, I said I recognized the RB& R from the 11 years at Ft.Polk, LA,,, where we are tonight is only 130 miles to New Orleans on I-55 south. Barton's brother served the same time we were there!!! I told him since we were in the band, we travelled the entire South on tour,,,, commands and all the festivals, everyone wants to appreciate the soldiers by feeding them,,,, thus the RB&R....

He said,"you want to appreciate a soldier? Feed them a hot meal." I said, "yes, if one is in line behind me??? I pay for them."

You know??? I just love the generosity and free spirit of Southerners... I told Mike to tell the "Missus thank you". He said "well, come for a homecooked meal anytime."

WOW!!! People just slay me with their openness,,, if you let them,, they will bless you!!!
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Blessed and a knowing of this making me smile,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

It's THAT Time of Year Again

Here we are! The year TwentyTen is fast drawing to a close.  I don't make specific New Years Resolutions.  If I find a trait to adapt, chances are it won't wait until January 1st on NEXT YEAR'S calendar.   Life is such  a Process of Give and Take. Truly Beautiful when you think of it. You can't admit to being tired of something in your life, without also deciding to improve on it. All year long :)

During my married years, we played the in-laws game. We tried vainly to please this set or that set. All while establishing traditions for our own 4 members. Soldiers, church, jobs....When we got divorced in 2000, now we have to add Dad's house, My House, all the Grands, and any blended familes as well.  What was a JOYous season, became incredibly frustrating, chaotic, never satisfying ANYONE, and often it called to notice just how PAINFUL divorce is on the partners AND the children involved.

Especially in the first years, it was easier and kinder to just tell my junior high and senior high school-age girls to go stay with their Dad. He was lonely all the time. Visitation schedules SUCK!!! He is a limp weenie, but  I am resilient. I was also overwhelmed with rejection, loss of the ideal of "Till Death Do Us Part", strapped financially, working overtime, then a second, then a third job.

So it became a gift to me to go out on the lake alone before daylight,,, just me and my little boat, maybe Addy.  At the time I was quite jaded and sniffed "If I'm gonna be alone anyways, I may as well not sit at the house to do it." Thanksgiving and Christmas became JUST ANOTHER SET OF PAINFUL DAYS TO SURVIVE.

Then with Lewis, and how we all four loved one another, we built new traditions!  More than a meal, it was our thing to go to a specific movie on Christmas Day as a unit  we saw ALL THREE  of the "Lord Of The Rings" Trilogy in theatres, on CHRISTMAS DAY as part of "our" bond!!!

Then,, after 2 1/2 marvelous years,  he left too,,, and the girls and I each cut adrift, separating from each other emotionally in our OWN  raging seas of pain, loss, lack of faith....  that was a DECIDING STRAW to break the camel's back.  Holidays can take a FLYING LEAP AT THE MOON!!!

This year, Fall of 2010 has been an awakening!!!  First, seeds of forgiveness sprouted.  Then came Reunion and Union. The family GREW by adding Aaron to Angel's life, and my grandson, Jeremiah to Alisha & Tony's lives. Next, Reconcillation began to bud and prosper. Alisha began to contact first one, then awhile later, another,, then another of her extended family after several years of cold separation! 

This past year I EXPERIENCED LOVE FIRST-HAND with Pastor Hattabaugh and the Pentecostals of Cooper City.

 As LOVE  was so patiently demonstrated, and as people literally HELD ME until the fear and trembling in me subsided, I began to BELIEVE again,,, in LIFE,, in LOVE... in HOPE.... in my Song - Laughter, Singing, Dancing..... in a Future where it is safe to dream, to be loved, and to love in return.

FULL MEASURE.... still working on that one myself... not holding back, in Limbic Flight or Fight.

Today and tomorrow marks several HUGE FIRSTS!

• Angel and Aaron's first Thanksgiving as a married couple.  They are taking the day to just BE TOGETHER and go out to a nice dinner somewhere as a treat to themselves.
• Alisha, Tony, and Jeremiah have made friends in Colorado, and religious preferences are being put aside. They are going to their friends' house for Thanksgiving meal.
• My brood is settled :)   Jan, is now free to let herself have good things in her life.  I have realized that work will still be here on Friday.  I am celebrating Thanksgiving with beloved church families in SoFL.

Also, when Lewis left us, my long-time counsellor and love/ friend, Dr. Isaac B. Deas told me there were two things he did not want to see me become. Bitter and a workaholic.  I promptly became BOTH. Sigh... well, I never got hard core bitter...  Somehow,, no matter many times i get pummelled into the dust by Life, I roll back to my feet with that goofy "hit me again, that didn't hurt" grin on my face.

Jaded? Yeah. Workaholic? Oops... guilty.

So, Jan is STILL working on that last one!!!  GRIN!!!!  If I work my guts out, I am too tired to care (yeah I know,, it didn't quite work out that way, did it???),, and I earn stupid good money that I can just GIVE away because it DOESN'T buy health, happiness, relationship, connection etc....

As this "whatever it is fever" has socked me for so long?? I am ready to give up....  but can't stop working. I don't know how :-(

For me to even consider holiday time off ??? Is HUGE -BOMBASTIC - MONUMENTAL-
 OF EPIC PROPORTIONS!!!

But when I received at least TEN Facebook and POCC invitations, I got to thinking, I can still help drivers get home. I can do it locally. I can still end up off-duty at the same time everyone else is. Usually, the loads are timed to force the drivers to shut down for safety wherever they happen to land.

WHY NOT NEAR MY CHURCH FAMILY AND  PERSONAL CAR?????

Then,, to get a motel room, second time in a week???  CRAZY OPULENCE AND WASTE OF money resources on me,,,, but,, the real bed DID feel SOOOOO GOOD!!!

Again, why not???  I hear alot, from different sources to be good to myself, take good care of me, be kind to myself. Etc...

Why not?

Worth a try.... shucks,, I've tried so many other things in my short life.  Why not try being nice to me too???

lol

So,, here I am. Gonna click send,, and then pack my  duffle bag for 2 days off.  Go buy groceries to make dishes to carry to the Feist's house. And GO TO THE WINDY BEACH AND CHECK INTO MY OCEANFRONT HOTEL ROOM AND CATCH SOME SALT, SUN, and SAND in my hair!!!

I deserve it,, or so I hear ;-)

Happy Thanksgiving to all,, and to all a good night =)

Jan M. Olsen

~J~

A Spirit of the Familiar

If I'm not careful, I notice lapsing into old habits of eating or of treating my body, thinking of comfortable (also some not -so- comfortable) relationships, old attitudes or ways of approaching and thinking of Life.

I wonder why? Is it less scary than the Unknown? Chances are, the old ways were not very fulfilling to my Life's Calling. There are some great things to glean from the Past. But I don't want the disappontments of weeds and vines to trip me holding me down.

While driving the night shift down to Miami for holiday Time Off, I noticed letting the radio dial linger on music that was familiar, but not anything that I enjoyed or could sing along with.Why did I tune in? Tolerating it?

Changing that dial is so simple, really.Getting in touch with my abundant Blessings is a choice I made a long time ago. Sadly, I get caught up living a dance to music that I don't even know or like. Foreign to me. Keeps me out of sorts. Another uncomfortable role for me.

Once upon a time, there was a tender-hearted, happy-go-lucky girl. She got caught up surviving Life. Time to find her and get back to who I am deep inside. Resurrect that part of a smoking flax in me that flickered, but didn't extinguish.

So, reaching up to tweak the controls on the FM dial- Familiar Mentality. Honing in on what's Authentic, Genuine, Personal and Inspiring.

Rewarded by Love, Laughter, Song, Dance and Adventure! Enjoyment for the Living NOW and hope for the Promising Future Growth as a Woman of Purpose!

Tuning in,
Jan M. Olsen
~ J~
Sent Urom my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

Organizing My Blessings :)

 Sunset at Black Rocks Beach, San Diego, CA January 2009

 Today was a laidback, do little day.  Trucking is feast or famine. It was all about the WAITING and cancellation game.  Trusting God has me in his sights. For instance, I had a load going to Sunrise, FL where my car is. It cancelled at 4:30pm.  THEN I find out that I-95 sb is shut down in Orlando-area due to a wildfire!  See???  God knows where I am, and what's best for me.  Rest and time to JUST BE was a definite GIFT today.

Went back to the doctor for my weird fever and joint issues. Endured labs, tests, really dumb questions... Honestly, feel like it was a waste of time.  The injections certainly wreak havoc on my tummy.  In the words of a song by Martina McBride,  "You can pour your soul out singin' / A song you believe in / That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang / Sing it anyway."... so here tonight on my truck, singing to the angels, to God, and to cheer myself.  My neighbors will need therapy, but who am I?  LOL.

At my ONE year anniversary of becoming an OTR truck driver and of having a career, I wrote a 12 page typed account. That letter is posted here on my blog.  I did a much smaller letter at the second year anniv.

This year, July4th was the THIRD anniversary.  I didn't remember writing specifically to commemorate THAT day.  This past year, a season of LOSS and PAINFUL CONFUSION, losing the baby, the beatings, the rape, the giving up of being a TRAINER and MENTOR and Owner Operator with Stevens Transport out of Dallas, TX had played havoc with all of my health.  My mind, my body, my soul,,,, yet, somehow it didn't quench this indomitable spirit that fights within me to shine forth.

Sunset at Black Rocks Beach, San Diego, CA January 2009

Waiting on another driver, I cleaned my truck out while I sang.  We are to keep Trip Paperwork, Logs, etc for 3 weeks, then we can discard them.  I had a cabinet with all of them since my hire date May 17, 2010.  UGH!!!  Included were the spiral notebooks I write Trip Dispatches in.  I know me,, I write wherever I can find space, so before I chunked the old spirals I looked inside??

I FOUND AN 8 PAGE FRONT AND BACK HANDWRITTEN JOURNAL of my THIRD YEAR ANNIVERSARY highlights!!!  I don't remember it, but there it was!!!

And it was a list of BLESSINGS of all I had DISCOVERED to that point in July 2010!!!! 

Sometimes,, I amaze even myself.  Of all I am not comfortable with- of all I don't have closure or peace with - of all the hurt and guilt I still carry --------- I wrote EIGHT PAGES (16) FULL OF BLESSINGS AND GRATITUDE!!!!!!

 This past year, (year and half now) I had so much pain and loss,,, when I lost my baby, and my body was so broken and ill???  I wished sooo many times that I could die.  Just let me go.   Yet, BECAUSE of that vulnerability, I was extended love and grace, FIRST from GOD,  then from Pastor Hattabaugh and the Warriors at POCC, and then slowly, as I heal and process,,,, it is beginning to come FROM me TO me also.  That has only just begun in the last couple of months through amazing timing and gifts..

One thing I did toss out, that I may regret?? As an O/O I was used to keeping every scrap and receipt for income taxes for my Profit Loss Statement.... I just threw away things that I claimed last year.  I was only an O/O up to Valentine's Day this year.  I hope my lack of saving receipts doesn't bite me in the rear later???

Learning to meditate is so awesome.  I can't say I am skilled at it. I am self-taught, so I am sure I can learn, learn, learn!!!  I already pray and am very in touch with the Spirit-world,,, both of Good and of Evil.  As an Intercessor I see and hear alot.  But meditating has been good to first UN-focus me,,, then, RE-focus me.  Kinda a WOW-Concept.  I'm an odd bird, I get it :)

So mellow.  Still very ill,,, very in pain. Very wore out in  body, which has gone on so long now, my spirits get tapped too quickly.  But I am in MAJOR chill back mode.  The truck being straight and lighter??? Is really cool to me!  Soon as I can get by my car,, more of the extra clothes etc are coming off.

My blessings are lined up like Warriors around me, like friends at a bonfire on the beach.  I have my Tim Janis "Water's Edge" cd playing, I can hear the waves, smell the salt in the air, and feel the wind tossing my hair... as my memories, good and bad,, my blessings too many to categorize,,, talk softly around the glow of the driftwood fire. The  annual November Taurid and Leonid meteors are zipping across the Eastern sky.  It's a nice night, here with myself, in my truck :-)

Sunset at Black Rocks Beach, San Diego, CA January 2009

Thankful and dwelling in my Blessing Place,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

The human body is an amazing piece of equipment. Strangled on water..not only coughing, it made me SNEEZE water.Tears streaming,first by choking, then  by laughing.

Not to be outdone? My ears just gave a COLOSSAL  *POP*!!!!!!!

Now I sound like Kermit the Frog with razor blades for breakfast as I sing while I drive.  An improvement oif my normal deep singing voice, LOLOLOL!!

 Yay!!! Freedom to sing ftreely!!  =)

There's No Way To Know..... We Have Taken Different Roads,,,

"I try not to think about what might have been,,,, no we'll never know "What Might Have Been"
(Little Big Town)

Seems I am becoming self-aware of a trend for myself? Weekend longings for love,, someone to share my slower, off- peak  times with. I wouldn't expect even a saint to keep up with my insane work schedule, but the more laidback Time Off periods?  Open longings.

That is just where I am. Got to trust that.

Live in this moment, for it exists. It is as real and valid as are  the euphoric times of a job well-done in my industry, or a life touched by a call or email or text... each viable.

Open to what is ahead? It's also okay to go back into Time. Brief forays into the magical creative world of "WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN?"  In this world? No one leaves. No rejections. No sickness. No depravity. No one screws around. No trips to the ER for CAT scans, or closet bruises, cuts, broken bones.

Everyone has a job and loves their day's work, then comes home and June Cleaver has fresh baked bread smelling up the whole house. The porch light is on, the kids come home, bicycles stowed for another night.

M-F, perhaps  I will  skip "Mine and So-and-So's song" because no one is here. Somebody left.  Me or them? Irrelevant.

Fri- Sat-Sun?  Lewis and I HAD  a song,,,, Isaac and I HAVE A SONG NOW,,,, even Ole and I have a few accrued over 15 years of making music together...

Angel - Alisha,,,, even young Jeremiah has a SONG  playing within me.

Certain friends? Yup, I hear an inner melody for them too..

There's one specific Denison & WHHS classmate that I mentor now.  When he calls, I may let him go to voicemail on purpose.  I love to listen to the sounds of his  laughter and smiles  seeping out of his VOICE. That too, is music to my ears.  It also gives me a chance to find out what the topic of today will be, perhaps I will stutter less when we talk on the phone?

The bump bump of the rumble strip? Is music to my ears,, it signifies guidelines and safety practices.

I live in TODAY... Got to trust in RIGHT NOW,,, LIVE IT. LOVE IT. SING IT. DANCE IT. LAUGH IT. CRY IT. FEEL EVERY NUANCE AND BREATH......

On my road, wherever it is leading me today? It is the RIGHT ROAD FOR THIS TODAY,

Trusting, making new music up as i go along,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

He Made Me Smile, That Angel- unawares

Here ya go....  I woke up with a song in my heart,,, bubbling up as I whistled my way into the rest area bathrooms to freshen up....

As I came out and older gentleman waited by the door for me.  Asked me about trucking, all the usual, non-imaginative questions.

_Upon parting, he said, "Well, I wish you luck, My Lady."

If I wasn't smiling before we met? 

I AM NOW!!  =D

~J~

Tonite I AM.........

*** SIDE NOTE... I know... I KNOW!!  I really shouldn't TURN THE FULL HEAT OF MY SMILE  onto anyone,,, LOL... couldnt resist though,,,, I fired it up on Sami at Chick-Fil-A.... Poor dude,, DIDNT STAND A CHANCE, lol.  He was a stammering mess.  HOW FUNNY!  I kinda like doing that every now and then,,,, JUST TO MESS WITH PEOPLE! (ROFL)


EXTREMELY.......


VERY EXTREMELY CONFLICTED .....
very - - VERY *VERY* BOUND UP INSIDE....
Feeling a CRUSHING WEIGHT square in my CHEST and CORE BEING!
omw....may HAVE TO DANCE after all ....
when i FINALLY get back to Jax???!!!
i know thats a heavy industrial area....Bet i could find a dark service road and go DANCE my guts out before I BLOW MY BRAINS OUT or screw up somewhere???
FRIDAYS....HEY at leasst I dont have a home.... FRIDAY tends to be "jusst another day"..... that FRIDAY FEELING aint hit me like this since the Perseids.
YIKES!
collateral damage is LIKELY

being "back home"???   i know which radio stations play what,,, and if i cave to an OLD DESTRUCTIVE HABIT OR TWO OR THREE????

IKNOW WHERE I CAN  GO AND FIND JUST ABOUT ANYTHING THAT  gets me through the night.....

C MON SUNSHINE!!
~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

Let Me Remember

When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not; but my faculties are decaying, now, & soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the latter. It is sad to go to pieces like this, but we all have to do it.

- original manuscript in the Mark Twain Papers as reprinted in Quotable Mark Twain by R. Kent Rasmussen
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The above quote was used in my favorite TV series. I watch archives online since I do not often have access to current programming.  I enjoy this show and watch several episodes at once.  I still believe that the Good Guys triumph :-) At least in Hollywood :-)

Even while relaxing, I am aware and with all my senses I am living today.  Riding with and experiencing every feeling.

A few minutes ago, Eric, the lead mechanic told me that he can not ever see me having a bad day. How odd of a thing for someone to say. It rains on the just and the unjust alike.  I explained that when dark times come,  I just don't choose to stay there very long.  I learn what I was brought to be endued with, and push to move through it, and on back into the light tantalizing just ahead.

If I made a list?  There is a horrific and atrocious column of the depravity and black, sinful nature of mankind.  Crimes I have committed, and many enacted out upon me.

Across from that list, is notations of the lessons I learned.  The skills I picked up. The way I encouraged myself and outgrew the injustices. 

It is a mindset.  I REFUSE to be a "victim" or a "survivor".

  Nay, I am an OVERCOMER and triumphant, having waged war with the good and the evil that fluctuate around me from birth to death, and coming out the other side loving, warm, breathing, forgiving, and ever-optimistic.  Looking for the inherent good in mankind.

If evil silences my song, extinguishes my light, muffles my hope? Then it wins.

 I am determined to sing, to dance, to beam as a lighthouse beacon, and to roar with Purpose and passion and desire!!!

Do you ever listen to the background soundtrack in a TV show or movie? Not the highlighted songs where the hero and damsel dance under the stars while fireworks twinkle overhead.  Rather the underlying mood-inducers.... the pulse, or tease, or race,, or throb,, or soothe,,, all stimulated by the sense of sound.  Leading the way in expectation,,, setting the transition,,,, bursting into exhultation... pining for a loss...

I hear that on a day to day basis all around me.  Everchanging. Always adapting. Moving to inner music, the outer influences, the chosen self-dialogue (yes, I answer myself too, lol).

If I am odd that I hear MUSIC in waking or sleeping moments? then let me stand out as EXTREMELY odd... I wouldn't trade my song for anything.

Nor will I let it be silenced, muted, or diminished.

In the oft-quoted wise  words of Abraham Lincoln: "Whatever you are, be a good one."

So, Eric, what do you think about me now? Why do you like me above other drivers? It's not a relationship thing, in the usual man-woman way....  I am in your path to show you how to look up and out,, and past the darkness.  If I was sent here to show you how to light the way for yourself? Then let me deliver that message.

Because, yes, friend, I do have bad days. Or portions of them anyway.  It is how I conduct myself in trial or adversity, and how I treat others, and how I finish that will be the measure of this woman.

I take your observation as a compliment  Also a solemn charge to continue being a light, a ray, to radiating love and joy,,,, for I AM being watched and therefore held accountable. To whom much is given, much is required.

It is my joy to serve, to give, to teach, to lead, to inspire, to encourage, to empathize, to have faith in my fellows.

May I never forget my Calling.  One day, may I submit my own stubborn self-will fully and follow that passion that burns in my chest and mind. That lights my eyes with blazing sparkle and bounces my my step, when my body hurts like hell and is weary from this life.  I am set apart, different, and I accept that. Live well inside of this charge to bless the world milling around me. I may be overlooked in matters of my own heart, passed by for relationship of my own... but I touch many lives, daily.

 OH! To bring them relief and to help them find their way!!!!

And when I wonder why this life just goes on and on? Please, send me an Eric or Dora etc to say something that sounds superficial, but that rings true on the tuning fork in my innermost spirit and intricate working of my mind.

Let me remember why I am here. Why I have endured so much abuse. Why I have run the gamut of hurts. Why I have loved and lost.

Let me reach out with the Compassion, the Love, and the Lessons learned in the crucible of life.

Remind me, when the pain gets seemingly unbearable.... that someone is watching me, following my footsteps, observing my actions and path.

First, let me do no harm.

Please, let me REMEMBER.

Thankful for the reminder,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Well, certainly memory is a curious machine and strangely capricious. It has no order, it has no system, it has no notion of values, it is always throwing away gold and hoarding rubbish. Out of that dim old time I have recalled that swarm of wholly trifling facts with case and precision, yet to save my life I can't get back my mathematics. It vexes me, yet I am aware that everybody's memory is like that, and that therefore I have no right to complain.

- "Three Thousand Years among the Microbes"

Moments, I've Had My Moments

The crisp cool of the day has me chipper and feeling bright. As I went into the rest area bathroom, in St. Augustine, I was whistling aimlessly. Probably "Blueberry Hill"?  As I rounded the curve in  there stood a mom and her little girl.  The little lady was probably 6-7 years old,, and had tears just streaming down her pretty little face.

At the sound of my mindless whistling?  The little girl perked up, swiped at her salty tears with a tiny hand,  and burst out, "Daddy???????"

The mom, looked up in alarm. This is, after all, the women's bathroom, correct?

The little girl was so cute,,, she said, "Oh, it's just you."

The mom hastened to assure her, "no honey, but the lady does sound alot like daddy, doesn't she?"

What a compliment!!!  To sound like Daddy.  My own dad hums, whistles,, dances like Baloo the Bear,,,,, often tunelessly and absent of apparent thought.

Today, the fever is making my whole body ache and is so exhausting.  But that is no excuse to ever be surly or unresponsive to the little moments as they present themselves.  Just by being ME I brightened  little girl's day,, and in so doing?  Made my own worthwhile.

Where did my whistle go??

Today?? Was blessed... Moments, I  Have My Moments,

Jan M. Olsen
~J~

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like that cool night on the E. Street Bridge
When a young man almost ended it
I was right there, wasn't scared a bit
And I helped to pull him through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
Oh, lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

"Moments" Emerson Drive