Let Me Remember

When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not; but my faculties are decaying, now, & soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the latter. It is sad to go to pieces like this, but we all have to do it.

- original manuscript in the Mark Twain Papers as reprinted in Quotable Mark Twain by R. Kent Rasmussen
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The above quote was used in my favorite TV series. I watch archives online since I do not often have access to current programming.  I enjoy this show and watch several episodes at once.  I still believe that the Good Guys triumph :-) At least in Hollywood :-)

Even while relaxing, I am aware and with all my senses I am living today.  Riding with and experiencing every feeling.

A few minutes ago, Eric, the lead mechanic told me that he can not ever see me having a bad day. How odd of a thing for someone to say. It rains on the just and the unjust alike.  I explained that when dark times come,  I just don't choose to stay there very long.  I learn what I was brought to be endued with, and push to move through it, and on back into the light tantalizing just ahead.

If I made a list?  There is a horrific and atrocious column of the depravity and black, sinful nature of mankind.  Crimes I have committed, and many enacted out upon me.

Across from that list, is notations of the lessons I learned.  The skills I picked up. The way I encouraged myself and outgrew the injustices. 

It is a mindset.  I REFUSE to be a "victim" or a "survivor".

  Nay, I am an OVERCOMER and triumphant, having waged war with the good and the evil that fluctuate around me from birth to death, and coming out the other side loving, warm, breathing, forgiving, and ever-optimistic.  Looking for the inherent good in mankind.

If evil silences my song, extinguishes my light, muffles my hope? Then it wins.

 I am determined to sing, to dance, to beam as a lighthouse beacon, and to roar with Purpose and passion and desire!!!

Do you ever listen to the background soundtrack in a TV show or movie? Not the highlighted songs where the hero and damsel dance under the stars while fireworks twinkle overhead.  Rather the underlying mood-inducers.... the pulse, or tease, or race,, or throb,, or soothe,,, all stimulated by the sense of sound.  Leading the way in expectation,,, setting the transition,,,, bursting into exhultation... pining for a loss...

I hear that on a day to day basis all around me.  Everchanging. Always adapting. Moving to inner music, the outer influences, the chosen self-dialogue (yes, I answer myself too, lol).

If I am odd that I hear MUSIC in waking or sleeping moments? then let me stand out as EXTREMELY odd... I wouldn't trade my song for anything.

Nor will I let it be silenced, muted, or diminished.

In the oft-quoted wise  words of Abraham Lincoln: "Whatever you are, be a good one."

So, Eric, what do you think about me now? Why do you like me above other drivers? It's not a relationship thing, in the usual man-woman way....  I am in your path to show you how to look up and out,, and past the darkness.  If I was sent here to show you how to light the way for yourself? Then let me deliver that message.

Because, yes, friend, I do have bad days. Or portions of them anyway.  It is how I conduct myself in trial or adversity, and how I treat others, and how I finish that will be the measure of this woman.

I take your observation as a compliment  Also a solemn charge to continue being a light, a ray, to radiating love and joy,,,, for I AM being watched and therefore held accountable. To whom much is given, much is required.

It is my joy to serve, to give, to teach, to lead, to inspire, to encourage, to empathize, to have faith in my fellows.

May I never forget my Calling.  One day, may I submit my own stubborn self-will fully and follow that passion that burns in my chest and mind. That lights my eyes with blazing sparkle and bounces my my step, when my body hurts like hell and is weary from this life.  I am set apart, different, and I accept that. Live well inside of this charge to bless the world milling around me. I may be overlooked in matters of my own heart, passed by for relationship of my own... but I touch many lives, daily.

 OH! To bring them relief and to help them find their way!!!!

And when I wonder why this life just goes on and on? Please, send me an Eric or Dora etc to say something that sounds superficial, but that rings true on the tuning fork in my innermost spirit and intricate working of my mind.

Let me remember why I am here. Why I have endured so much abuse. Why I have run the gamut of hurts. Why I have loved and lost.

Let me reach out with the Compassion, the Love, and the Lessons learned in the crucible of life.

Remind me, when the pain gets seemingly unbearable.... that someone is watching me, following my footsteps, observing my actions and path.

First, let me do no harm.

Please, let me REMEMBER.

Thankful for the reminder,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Well, certainly memory is a curious machine and strangely capricious. It has no order, it has no system, it has no notion of values, it is always throwing away gold and hoarding rubbish. Out of that dim old time I have recalled that swarm of wholly trifling facts with case and precision, yet to save my life I can't get back my mathematics. It vexes me, yet I am aware that everybody's memory is like that, and that therefore I have no right to complain.

- "Three Thousand Years among the Microbes"

Bored, out driving bobtail heading the opposite direction I always take with full rig. Sightseeing, might as well seize the day by the horns and ride 'em!

Pig Pen, This Here's The Rubber Duck.....

...... looks like we've got us a CONVOY!

LOL!!  With a maiden name like HOOPER?? It was destiny to be a truck driver, LOL.  Growing up in the years of Smokey and the Bandit, BJ and the Bear, Any Which Way You Can...the gamut ran  from Burt Reynolds, Kris Kristofferson, Chuck Norris, Clint Eastwood, Greg whats-his-name, to my personal favorite and childhood crush, Jerry Reed. 

As a teenager, I entered a short story writing contest. The Grand Prize?  To be one of 3 contestants selected to go up onstage and read our story aloud during the JERRY REED concert at the annual Winter Haven Citrus Festival!!!  A buddy and I both had that honor and I will never wash my hand again after shaking his, LOL. 

Besides his rockabilly music, good looks and mild rebellious streak, I thought he was THE COOLEST because he wore his socks EVERYWHERE,,, even outside!  As a good fan would, I imitated him. This was back in the days of gym shorts with the white stripe down the side and those hideous knee high tube socks with the ghastly colored rings.

My Mom protested, of course!  I was 12-14 years old. A tomboy then as now.  I was still climbing trees, playing baseball on league and sandlot, riding bikes, swimming in the lake all summer, etc.  She put a 5 gallon bucket near the bath tub, and I was required to soak and scrub my filthy socks.

My mom carried a CB radio and a loaded 357 in the dash compartment of that old Plymouth. Dad had a loaded shotgun at the front door, and was known to pick up a 2x4 or whatever lay at hand to finish a job if he felt like it. Whipped by belt, shoe, hairbrush, orange tree  limb, whatever either parent could grab, we learned to stand still, not jump and DON'T PUT YOUR HAND BACK THERE or it will get smacked too!

A Daddy's girl, side by side, I "helped" as I  wrenched on cars and trucks under the shade of the old oak tree, rebuilt carbuerators, adjusted brakes, changed tires, spark plugs, and oil.  With my own set of hand tools, I sawed, hammered, screwed, soldered, welded and created something out of nothing with wood, glass, metal and whatever lay around that could be made into SOMETHING cool.

Oh, the memories! Diet consisted of baloney sandwhiches, and if it was a good week? PBJ with honey.  A latchkey kid from 4 years old, I pretty much concocted what I wanted to ,, and if it didn't turn out to taste? I was 4 years older than my brother, and I insisted that "Mikey would eat anything"... lol!!!!  Sorry about that one time I hollowed out a fresh ground HB patty and filled it with paprika.  Hey, Bro! You survived!  LOL XOXO

Want a soda or candy bar???  Go newspaper box, to box,,, soda machine to soda machine,,, pushing the coin return button.  Gather up nickel by dime, then go hunt up a glass returnable RC bottle to save on the deposit.

Family reunions were 100's of people I knew, because I saw them EVERY year whether I wanted to or not!  And the covered dish, potluck extravaganza FEAST was spread out on sawhorse plank tables. If we remembered?  A sheet was draped across it to keep out the flies.  NO refrigeration on all that potatoe salad and cole slaw with the mayonaaise! We churned our own ice cream, and added peaches from the tree that we plucked for ourselves. Toss in a few pecans after cleaning the bitter crumbs out of the creases, and it was heaven on earth!

Horseshoe tossing competitions, horse and buggy rides, quilting, reading paperback Zane Grey and Louie Lamour Westerns, hide and seek, and freeze tag were the planned activities, while the elders laughed, guffawed, yarned and spit their tobacky juice into the dirt or if they were sophisticated, into a Green Giant niblet corn can.

In Alabama, if you got mad at one cousin, just go a few feet, there many more to link arms with and be best buds for a day. Don't make mom, aunt, uncle, or Papa mad. If you do?  Go get your own peach switch straight from the tree.  Or worse??? Go to bed, and miss out on all the fun. If I got sent to my room back in Florida??? The greatest punishment of all was to have to sit crosslegged on my bed, NO BOOKS!! I would have rather taken one of those awful brutal whippings, than not be allowed to read or write :(

My Alabama aunt and uncle took me to the old timey, hellfire and brimstone Church of God in Gardendale, AL and EVERYONE sang up on the platform in the choir.  I learned to read at age 4 by following along in the old dog-eared  hymn books to "Just A Little Talk With Jesus (makes it right)".

 Then my Florida aunt and uncle, the ones that did the majority of "raising me" took me, took me to the brush arbor church, Holiness Church Of Ollie Road, in (Galloway) Lakeland.  This had sawdust floors, wooden pews, spiders,and   hand -held, paper fans you moved yourself. The menfolk came to service straight from work still wearing their overalls and flannel shirts.They would shake hands in the parking lot, get to talking about "the goodness of our LORD this week", and begin to dance and shout right there, before the music and preaching ever began!

So yes, it seems like life was hard, when you look back on THEN versus the amenities of NOW.  But, it was predictable. And very genuine. Very surrounding.  Very immersive.

Simple. Tactile. If not outwardly loving? Then at least it was familiar and available.

Wind the tape forward. Crank the reel to reel. Punch the button to change tracks on the 8 track. Find a new groove on the LP. Adjust the rabbit ears. Twist that AM/FM analog dial on the transitor radio.  Flip the pages of the book! 

 Here I am today.  Another of my FL aunt and uncle teamed up as OTR.  My Lakeland cousin drove semis for years until drugs and wasted life stripped him of his health and dignity. My own younger brother? Outgrew me by a foot, and has been OTR for 15 years already.

Say, PigPen, this here's the Rubber Duck!  Looks like we've got us a CONVOY!

The intention for today??? Still in Jacksonville, basically getting shafted and not making any miles, money, or stretching my work legs?  Fully, I am determining in the course of this letter my path for the rest of today.

Some days? We are the bug. Some days we are the windshield.  Which one do you choose?

TODAY  I AM GOING TO BE THE WINDSHIELD!!!!

God bless, and off we go, to make it a good day, or the best of what it is, as it comes!

Have a great one!
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Can't sleep. Immense pain in my joints, ribs, and spine tonight.Fever is coursing like acid,burning everything in its path.Desperate for even momentary relief.

A Talk With An Old Friend Is Like A Cup Of Hot Herbal Tea

Loving means losing,,, letting go... I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance. Tonight, I choose to reflect the BEAUTY in a love, long ago with a girl that today holds my heart and soul.

Is Life spinning faster and faster and faster,,, out of control?

 Only the days of the week containing "-day".

What a day!  From my notes earlier and my waking moments, I hit the ground running full tilt. This seeming pandemonium challenged me emotionally, physically,spiritually, and  had me tumbling like clothes in a large capacity dryer!  Heat was ON!

Here it is, 10:35pm and I am still in Jacksonville.  My truck repair was done at 5:30pm. I was sent a preplan load assignment. The miles weren't great, but so far I have a big fat goose egg. Miles are turned in on Fridays, paid out the next week. I expected to roll upon my return  from Colorado at 10pm last night.  I had communicated my travel itinerary, and updated my driver manager all day. True, I appreciated the sleep, then woke ready to roll. The truck broke down.

So anyway, at 5:30pm, Tuesday,  was instructed to go get an empty trailer off the Yard, then they would assign me the load.  No empties. I sent in a QualCom, and went to get dinner. Fully expecting them to send me bobtail to the pickup.  No reply. An hour... no message.  Finally I call Iowa, to find out, they double booked that load. Another driver is now headed to Lakeland.

Went back to the Yard, showered, laundry.. just a bit relieved and miffed.  I've been at this life long enough to say "trucking is trucking". Also, walked with God enough in a Journey of FAITH to say, "You know what, God?  I don't know what you are protecting me from?  I don't know what you see? I don't know what it is that you have for me that is BETTER than the load that just slipped away?  But I accept all of your BEST for me. Carry on, Sir!"

I got some news today.  I am not comfortable... no that isn't strong enough....  I am downright angry in LIFE to always have to be the one PROTECTING.... when no one has ever stepped up to ward evil from hurting me.  I am always looking out for others.  That Golden Rule thing???  I practice it outwardly to others all the time. Rarely do I get the return on it... even then, often it isn't to whom I extended it, instead maybe I receive good from a different source.  WHATEVER!

Also, WHY is it my job to tell others, esp if the news is able to be perceived Good or Bad, depending on the hearer and the angle? Why make me the bad guy?

Especially where that odd group of individuals aka "family" is concerned??? I really just want to ,,, please them,,, love them,, be loved by them,,, but I am weary,,,, that's a good word for it. I am weary of being the messenger, the go-between, the ambassador. ALways falling short....

Don't get me wrong, PLEASE!  I am NOT weary in well-doing!  And I have this gift/curse of being able to love, forgive, love even more to anyone,,,, but,, that gets me trampled  on too.

That flash of anger?? Left me depleted,, uncomfortable and full of guilt and regret. I didn't linger in the ANGER,,, but it coursed through me as real and hot as blood and breath itself. I had to ride it out,,, feeling nauseous and scared of losing control  of my emotions the entire time.

After that while of loss and bitter desperate rage?? I sagged, weak and alone.

Then,, I felt the lift,,,the shifting,,, I cannot change what made me angry,,, but I CAN CONTROL MY REACTIONS.....  I began to see the good and positive and the hope for the near and distant future.. to give it all over to God and trust HIM in THIS TOO... He is the same God that he was all day,,, now,,, and tomorrow.... to let go,,, and feel it,, then,,, shift,,,

At first, noticing  I am still,,, like some pathetic loser, still reaching out.  As that passes, I open up yet again,, let that move out and away,, and  I find I am still grateful. I am still blessed. I am still loving.

I was headed down a wrong and lonely road tonight.  When, after my shower, I felt the urge to text message an old friend and ask if she was still up? Could we talk? It was 9:40pm, both of us on Eastern Time Zone.

(AND NO NO NO!!! THIS IS *NOT* my "best friend" from high school,,, PRECISELY one of my sources of anger,, she has cut me out and away so soundly,, I CAN'T go to her,, I don't know what I did to make her turn away??? Rejected and still  hurting,,,and I MISS HER!!!ahhhh)

Now, I don't like the phone, since my stroke.  My thought to speech is impaired and I stutter.  I am half-bright, but one would not know that on the phone. In person, I concentrate, and follow a person's conversation in an adaptive way, similar to reading lips,, and expression, and their posture, movements, etc. It helps me keep my thoughts forming into words, and I appear the intelligent girl that I am.  So, to ask my friend to talk on the phone??? Is a SINCERE gift of my trust in her, that she will be patient, loving, and gentle with me and my infirmities.

53 minutes later,,, I close the call and feel so limp. So loved. So relieved. So warm inside my gut and my heart. I am wrung out, but the dirty, smelly attitude that had bubbled inside of me as my day went downhill on a bobsled, is aired, sanitized, and on its way to  proper and full healing.  She is not a friend from church, which is unusual when you consider THAT type of "therapy" coming from a mere phone call.

No, Terry is the one (and only) girl that I have let myself "LOVE" in the moment we were together, and have relationship with.... and have maintained a 22 yr  bond with.  Definitely NOT a church thing. I can't admit that to them, to them it is cut and dried. Black and white. What we share is an entire pallet painting a Thomas Kincaide of life, love, connection,  and unity. Not a church thing at all. No box here, my friend.

Trying to think back?  It had to be 1987 or 1988,, so I was 19 or 20?  Terry was 23,, somehow, I remember that detail clearly. Our husbands were Army  during Desert Storm and we were stationed in Ft. Polk, LA.  Dependants either sat home and made themselves fat and miserable eating ice cream and potatoe chips whining about separation from mommy and hubby,,,, or they got out, and joined the support activities on the Base?

Terry and I met at a Tang Soo Do class on Post at the gym.  She was ahead of me in class by 2 belts. But it was love at first sight for each of us. I BELIEVE ,,, because it DID HAPPEN to me!!  Within a class session or two, we became work out partners. We would arrive early, and sitting on the gym floor, we would stretch each other out. 

We FIT PERFECTLY!! Oh,, it tugs my heart,,, fills it with so much light and love,, remembering how we NESTLED and FIT like hand in a glove. We didn't have "training" so we did exercises we made up.  Soles of our feet touching, matching, we reached across our outstretched legs, took the other by the hand, and alternating pulling until the stretch in our legs hurt,, then pulling a wee bit more,,

To help us hold the stretch?  We looked into each other's eyes,,, and wordlessly, assured "YOU CAN DO THIS". We stretched and challenged many areas of our bodies, then the class kicked our rear, until we learned to block, and kick back :-)   We practiced FORMS (kata) relentlessly,, in class, then again just the two of us in our own private ballet on the mats,, then again at our homes. With this practice we excelled in Tang SooDo, belt after belt we rose up the ranks!

 Poetry.... the ONE and only time I have ever felt GRACEFUL or IN TUNE with another human being... makes me ache, remembering this time in my life. I yearn for that CONNECTEDNESS with another.

We were blonde and coal. I guess I was supposed to say the cliche Ebony and Ivory?  She is a fast talking, sassy Yankee from Rhode Island.  Moody, and volatile, funny, and loving, loyal to the death. The Life of the Party,  Terry  had clear WHITE skin, and JET BLACK CURLY short hair.  (not what I am normally attracted to in a guy or a girl!!! hmmmmm....)

I am a Longhorn Cracker, as Southern as one can get...my Heinz 57 drawl is so slooooow and thoughtful.....I had straight, blonde hair past my butt with the same flybacks that I had in junior and senior high school.  Tan and athletic, vibrant and extremely, painfully, excrutiatingly backwards, awkward, and socially a nerd in EVERY WAY. (just like school, ugh, LOL)

We were the exact height and weight,, to the inch and ounce. We drew on each other's strengths and bolstered our weaknesses.

Our young families began to also be inseparable.  Terry and Ed had 4 yr old Jessica and 2 year old Kellie.   Ole and I had 2 year old Angel and were off the Pill, trying to get pregnant (Alisha).  Ole was much older than any of us.

I point that out, because we were all young. Not innocent. But we WERE naive.  We were curious. We did some,,,,, very OPEN things..... Ed was one to go to bed at 9pm..... I can't tell you how many times Ole, Terry, and I sat up playing Spades ,,, or got sitters and went clubbing.... the 3 of us dancing in that unrestrained, half-drunk, carefree way of YOUTH.

  One such night of Bacardi and cards, and we dreamed up switching partners. 

That was,,, intriguing,,, to a backwoods, Pentecostal.  LOLOLOL!!!  That meant I had to go wake up Ed... poor guy,,, I ended up panicking,, and we sat and talked,, while the other 2 did,,, i don't wanna know what.  I was actively trying to get pregnant with my husband,,, soooo I decided not to take the risk,,, thank God! 

Sometime after this,, Terry and I went to class as always.  This time,, I joined her in the shower.

That's all the details I'm giving,,, but,,, she will always be my first and only girl love. I do know,, ANYTHING is POSSIBLE , the Life LESSON I gleaned from this time.

Later, her and Ed divorced.  She married a MUCH younger guy  that rode a a crotch rocket and swooped her off her feet!! (by now it has been 4 years,,and mine and Ole's second daughter,  Alisha is a 2 yr old!!!)  When Shane ETS,,, Terry went with him.  They have lived the last 2 decades in his hometown of Evansville, Indianna (close to Owensboro, KY).

That was the last time I saw Terry in person!  I missed their wedding,  That was 1990.  During Oct-Dec 1990 I moved to Tallahasse to live with my best friend from high school.  I worked 3 jobs and filed divorce from Ole at the recommendation of Army chaplains, civilian counsellors, hospital staff,,,, all of them sure he would end up killing me one day instead of landing me in the ER for yet another CAT scan!!!

My marriage  "reconciled" in January 1991,,, we stayed friends with Terry and Shane,, raised all 4 girls as sisters/cousins.....  until the day Desert Storm ended and soldiers were sent home. Terry and Shane moved to Indianna in 1992.  Ole and I also left the military, going home to Central Florida with our small brood, Nov. 1992.

Two years ago,,, Terry found me on MySpace,,, then Facebook followed.  We emailed a few times,,, then we talked on the phone.  We have both moved on from that era in our lives.... and turned our back on that PURE LOVE and AFFECTION that we shared in our early years.  We have each lived loving lives with other people. Our children are grown ups now,, much the same ages we were. 

Terry and I talked about that tonight.  When I confessed to her how my visit with Alisha went, and some of the things I have learned about my daughter,... when I finally got to VERBALIZE IT in such a SAFE HAVEN as in Terry's trust and open concern???

We talked about OUR LOVE and how our mothers would not have understood us either.  We don't want certain things for OUR daughters.,,,, but can not judge them.  We love them. Wish to guide them. Wish to shelter them even.  In the end?  We can just love them and BE THERE for them.  The only true LANDING place our girls will have.

From IN to FL, she encouraged me, once again stretching me,, pulling until it hurts,, then proverbially this time,, looking into my eyes and holding the stretch, then pulling it a fraction more.. she asked me to write my book,, she reminded me,, of the gift I have with words and how I always moved her,,, she stretched me, entreated me to write the book, and share with others what she has already been privvy and close to.

Terry and I have each other.  Then and now.  And like a fine wine,,,, or a hot, carefully chosen and steeped herbal tea?? The ingredients a fine blend of soothing, healing, nurturing timeless remedy. She soothed my jangled nerves and raw pain,,, and loved me,, from 1,000's of miles away,, as only a LOVER could,.... intimately in TUNE WITH and AWARE of my every flex, every breath, every thing I WAS NOT saying,, as well as HEARING all that I DID SAY OUT LOUD.

She heard my heartbeat,,, much as we once reached out, skin to skin,,, and FELT the other's pulsing life.

Yes,,, that talk? Tamed my savage beast.  And once again,, I am that young girl,,for a very first time,, and for a very short season, I am  loved and secure, and in PASSIONATE belief that LIFE is still INHERENTLY GOOD and WORTHWHILE the LIVING!

She says it was 3:00am just this past morning,, she couldn't sleep... she had texted me,, ,, then ,,, thinking not to disturb my sleep, she deleted the message, leaving it unsent.

Rarely, am I asleep at 3:00am... I am ALWAYS awake at 03:30 am.... in intercessory prayer and spiritual warfare for my slumbering loved ones and friends and strangers unawares.

I wish she had clicked SEND,,, maybe tonight she will?

meanwhile,, the talking things out with my "SAFE" friend and love, Terry,,, and now here in free form on the blog?? I am beat emotionally.  I still have to face my discomfort and my  (received) news and my revelations regarding my Alisha,,, but perhaps,, if I sleep on it??? Meditate on it??? Pray over it?? 

Above all else??? LOVE on it???? 

There is light,,, there is love,, there is peace... there is contentment,,,, there is HOPE....

Drifting to sleep, spent, but warm of heart and soul,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Ut- oh :-/

sigh.... I had given up caffeine months ago,,, and about 2 months ago, even gave up the sugary drinks I had substituted....

Regularly drink one complete gallon jug of water, almost one a day.  Been doing that for years!

However, first it snuck back in on me with the sickness and 24/7 queasiness and fatigue from my injections.  A few glasses of sweet tea settles the tummy. And as my personal Sweet Southern Comfort food/drink? Ahhh.....

Now the loss of my friend last week?

I picked sweet tea back up in earnest. Instead of a once in a while falter?

It's become a full-fledged open fountain.

Damn!

C'mon!  Get a grip!

All that work of mind and getting over the headaches?  Less ups and downs with sugar rushes...

to fall off the wagon?

Well, grrrrrrrroooowwwwWWWLL !!!!!!

=(

Odd Noun To Find Gratitude

Ready to return to work on Tuesday, after an amazing vacation. The  battery pack in my heart and mind and soul is recharged and in peak, optimum operating condition.

Okay, so I wake from a dozing dreamy state....had to lie there a few minutes. Simultaneously my two first conscious thoughts occur:

1) I am so at peace, so blessed, so loved, so loving.
2) There is a smell - - - something is wrong....get dressed, Jan, there is an electrical fire somewhere in or on this truck!!!!!

SUDDENLY all drowsy, drifting thoughts aside, I bolted upright. Obeying my instinct, I dressed in record time, funny what adrenaline does? I even brushed my teeth. Hah! Can't burn up with morning breath!

Began in the bunk, unplugging fridge, laptop charger, etc. Nope, not hot. Open curtain -Got to front of cab, was assailed with the odor of metallic, clutch burning,,,OMG! Reminded me of the old racecar kits I played wiith as a kid!! That acrid, metal contact aroma...multiplied a million times!

Open the hood of my tractor, sure enough, a/c clutch on compressor is bound, smoking, almost in flames!!

What am I grateful for now?!?! All 5 of my senses! All of my instincts! All of my past experience, for it allowed me to recognize exactly WHAT the smell of danger was!

People - the mechanics I will be employing today, putting food on their family's table. Places- I am still on the Jacksonville Terminal Yard after my vacation to CO.  Waiting for 0800 so I could call dispatch for a load assignment and fresh work. Things- air conditioning in humid, blue sky Florida.

Thankful for my dreams. The ones I lay there in the bunk musing before coming awake to quasi-crisis, the ones that propel me through this day, right now, and the driving force spurring me to inspiration towards a very bright and dynamic future.

My work? This is a setback. Truck has to go to International dealership. Translates to unable to go back to work after my vacation. I am not hurting financially.  But I am rested, ready to go back to work.  One never knows when they need money for today, tomorrow is near. I want to stay set up okay to be able to give freely when impressed to do so.

My future? In God's hands. He has today planned. It's best if I just roll along with no thought of raiment or provision. HE is more than able. All sufficient.

So yes, I am in a state of Grateful.

Counting my blessings,
Jan M. Olsen

~J~ sent from  my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

Humidity sweet humidity. I may not live at a physical address, but FL is darned close. On a houseboat 3 lakes into a chain? Best yet ;-) Blessed abundantly!

Early at the meet point on purpose. I needed a few minutes to get in my head, then back out again. This is  regarding  my hopes in this first meting with my GRANDSON! Breathing slooooww.

Angel and Aaron's "Good Moment"

Oops, I was a slacker.  I forgot to call Angel to say I arrived safely. So she calls me this morning, not thinking about the time zone difference.  I have lost my voice finally from the cold, so after I croaked out a recap of my day and of the meeting with Alisha, Angel redirected the conversation.

I try not to think much about Aaron. Or Tony.  It's not just that "no man can be good enough for my little girls". That is a part of it.  Both couples met when each were still young in early high school if not before.  So I know their families. I know their histories. Aaron even lived with me in his early 20's as one of the  young people I took in to get them on track to being self-sustaining and responsible.  That didn't end well with him, as he was disrespectful to all authority at that point of his life, and had violent tendencies that concerned me.

Angel recounted a conversation between her and Aaron recently that touched me and has softened my heart towards him some. They got married July 25, 2010 on the anniversary of the 8th year of the day they met.  She explained that one of their strong points as a couple has always been that they were best friends, before they dated. Then even in times of taking time apart, they remained, best friends.

One night though, they began to discuss how each had gone in to marriage with the expectations of what would change for their interactions, and what would stay the same?   She says he is not treating her badly, but there are certain things she had gone in desiring of her husband.

His response is what made me laugh. "Honey, you have been reading too many of those books.  That's just crazy. You have built up a fairy tale that I can not live up to."

Angel explained that the message actually came from Isaac. His persuasion that the woman is to be the Gift to the man, not the other way around.  Aaron responded well to that, because, after all, it was Isaac they sought out as a couple to perform their wedding ceremony. They didn't have their pastor do it, or a Justice of the Peace... it was ALWAYS,,, for 8 years when they first began musing as 16 & 18 years old kids,, it was ALWAYS going to be Isaac as their minister.

So, she taught him the lessons from Isaac.  What is cool, is that they were able to sit down,, after a few months of being married and talk it out. Instead of internalizing their disappointments,, or perhaps,, less severe, their disillusions.  They could do a status check, and be open to tell the other what they need that they are not getting from the marriage, as well as share what is going GREAT and ABUNDANT  in the shifting roles!!

Aaron thoughtfully told her, "But I thought since I was providing the roof over your head and food on your table, it may not be much but it was always there, that you KNEW how much I love you because that was me SHOWING you."

Again!! Props to Aaron for speaking out loud!!  Angel and I both in today's phone call simultaneously said, "THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES"!!!   And she giggled and said, "yes, PRECISELY another book!",,, and she reminded Aaron in their conversation that it had been a part of the recommended reading in their pre-marital counselling.

To me???  I am touched and moved that Aaron DOES cherish MY DAUGHTER enough to sit down,, and I can actually picture them sitting in a very nurturing, bonding way,, very,,,, ummm... not only being  transparent,,, very..... vulnerably unguarded (??????)  way   (geez,, I can usually find a word for something,, i botched that one)....

....but they sat down,,, and used "I" messages and allowed truth to have a voice.  It just seems healthy and healing to me,, before there is a much more sad or regretting issue later.

Like she said, a strong point  being that they are still best friends.  So my estimation of him went up alot today.  I conceded before they married, that he wasn't the same cretin that kicked and fussed at my house a five years back.   Aaron has also grown into a man... and sounds like he is still willing to be the best partner to my daughter that he can be.  And she responds to him as well.

I'm enjoying the relationship that Angel and I have at this moment in Time.  We can share these conversations. They are intellectual, because I read the books along side of her so we COULD talk it out.  They are emotional because we know what buttons to push. They are spiritual because it is also an example of many people, many styles, many petitions of prayers for God's best for each of them as individuals BEFORE and also after marital union.

I am just blessed to be where I am with each of my daughters.  It was not an over night success. No fairy tale here. Alot of hard work. And infinite amounts of love and tender concerns for ANOTHER outside of our individual selves.

I see beauty here. Raw and strong and powerful.  In marital relationships as well as familial.

What a gift of second, third, and many more chances God is.  Demonstration of how the fruits of the Spirit really do operate if we get out of our own way and let them.

Humbled and grateful, with a loving heart,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

What Time Is It?

Awesome... simply awesome to see Alisha.  Her work was slamming, so she acknowledged me and I went to sit it out.  I just looked away,, and as a mother can, I honed in on her voice in the millieu and just let it roll across my senses in wonder.  Then I heard magical words, "Hey! Can one of you guys take this for awhile?"  She came from the back and we went out to her car.

I wasn't sure what the weekend would bring.  With her working until 0100mdt, I was going to say let's hang out after breakfast tomorrow,, and then have her go home early Saturday night and get some sleep.  Then we could go anywhere she wanted to on Sunday, even tourist things, my treat.

Alisha had thoughts things out to suggest to me too. She has errands to run, would I go along with them? She wants to take me out to eat tomorrow, and rest more on Sunday.  So,,,  we are sleeping in and meeting up at 11am to spend Saturday hanging out!

I had debated about getting a hotel.  Finances aside, I am not doing great in my health today.  My BP was 185 / 125 and I felt every effect of that!!!  Alot of pain, and I didn't try to go with little food or drink, but looking back,, that's what I did.  So, Alisha and Pastor both think I should get a hotel.  I did.

Landed across the street from Saturday's meet point.  As I was checking in, I struck up conversation with the hotel owner and the older lady training for front desk clerk. I asked about the sign for the indoor heated pool and jacuzzi, she confirmed, yes, it closes at 10pm,,, it was 9:40pm as I checked in. 

We talked about my being a night auditor 4 years, and about how this is CO slow season, but in FL it is the high season.  They gave me a kingsize bed,, HUGE room,,, at a tremendous discount,, then the owner asked me, "Would you still like to go sit in the hot tub?  I will go lock you in the pool room, and you can stay in until 11pm so you can relax from your long day."

BOY!!! I jumped at that!!! PRIVACY,, pool and hot tub to myself, indoors!  I have swim trunks that I use for pajamas,, I didnt have any scruffy shirts,, so I just chose the lesser one,, and I  gotta confess,,, I was in HEAVEN!!!!

Alternating hot tub and cool pool????   in the pool doing stretches and resistance,, in the hot tub, angling  the jets to hit me in perfect spots!!! All you wellness people are aware of the benefits of reflexology, I am sure?? Both hand and foot massage and pressure points affecting all the  operating systems  and organs of the body??   So i specifically targetted hands and feet into the jets,,,

I am as limp as a piece of thread.... ahhhhh....

The phone rang, I didn't know if it would be Alisha?  The caller ID  heralded it as one of the ladys I mentor... and with a sigh I answered it.  It dawned on me AFTER we talked a long time,, that it was past midnight where she is in SoFL,, and 10pm in Colorado.... 

She is one of the people I almost dread talking to,,, she takes EVERYTHING I say and twists it,, so by the time she repeats it and says "OK, I got it, thanks"  she doesn't have anything at all approximating the words or meaning I used.  It now sounds good to her, to justify her actions, which were troubling her in the first place,,,,

So for last few months I have been turning it back to her,, asking her what can she do to settle the issue at hand? What is she looking for?    Trying to get her to say for herself what she is REALLY up to,, rather than have her roll her eyes at me and do what she wanted to in the first place. 

almost 30 minutes later? I had phone to my ear, sitting in the hot tub,, and finally I asked to go for now.

She is likely going to seek her answers in people,, specifically in men... and she will say to me, to her kids, to Pastor, to all who approach her, "What?! Don't you want me to be happy?".

   Yeah, but like I told her tonight,, if you go into anything unhappy yourself, you attract unhappy,,, then its two or more of you in the pits. What then? A season at best with nothing to sustain it?

If you are unhappy and they are happy, one of you will draw the other one. 

If you are happy, and they are happy,,,,, then you approach as complete individuals and can share common grounds from there.

Well, by the time she repeated it back to me? She skirted that she was talking about dating (she 's only separated from her husband of 20 years, not divorced! HELLO!) and said she understood because she finds happy people to be with at work. Not the same topic, milady,,, but okay,, tonight, Jan is too limp to stay on track.

Very relaxed,, if I go to bed now?? Will be 3rd day in a row I get 8-12 hours of sleep in one shot. That sounds like  plan.  Please, let my BP go down!!

I hope the baby is in bed when A gets to her home and that she can unwind from her two jobs today suffiiciently to get some rest herself.

I have so many blessings... so much to be grateful for,,, so much to give,,, a glimpse of a gentle peace...

Goodnight,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

So Close.....

I am within 3.5 miles of where my youngest daughter is at work.  I had to pull over the side of the road to gather myself.  A case of the nerves :-/

She and I are two hard heads, used to bump alot. I don't wanna live on eggshells,, worried she will cut me out if I tick her off.   It takes REAL WORK to frustrate me to the walk-away point.....  like 14 yrs, 11 months, 3 weeks, 6 days to leave a marriage that was a dead end to begin with,,, that kind of thing.

One of Alisha's "I HAVE ARRIVED" points was her 18th birthday,, so she could "pick an arguement and then walk out and I couldnt tell her to sit down and finish it".... lolollol 

Well, she certainly arrived there. What did it prosper?

So I wanna see her, hug her,, love her,,, share my peace and the strides I have made in my own life,, as well as get to know, Alisha the adult, mother of one...

My hands are shaking..... my tummy in a flopping racket.

Need to take some time to talk myself into making that last step  ...  the reality of answer to many prayers, sleepless nights, and blessings.

3.5 miles..... sigh......  a long deep breath a mile????  LOL

here I go :)
~J~
a supportive reply?
I'm so glad. This is not an answer to prayer. This is an answer to many prayers!

Enjoy. Live it. Love it. Experience it. And come back refreshed and reconnected to your daughter. Blessings!

Thumping!

This car is rigged for SERIOUS SOUND! whew! If this was mine, I'd be a candidate for Angelita's sign language!

A guilty pleasure is bass thumping ELF I can feel in my chest and that makes the whole vehicle or house thrum and vibrate!! I would be dangerous with $1,000 to sink in a decent sound system, lol!!

It's friday nite dance and club music - a techno, R/B, hiphip station! It's throbbing my leg on the door, mercy! Pitbull music always makes me smile, his style and swagger is FUN! Live vicariously thru his party ;-)

I gotta be CAREFUL- I earned a $1,200 speeding ticket in my car last december,,,, FHP clocked me going 101mph in a 70 mph on FL Turnpike. relieved, cuz I had pegged out at 125mph part of the time!

after plodding along 18 wheels, 70 ft long Combinaton T/T governed at 62 mph? Well, a girl's gotta let her down, let the hosses run when she gets a chance!! This car is a 6 cyl...whee doggie! Z-Z-zipn!

Nothing at all to do a buck fifty on motorcycles or swim with sharks...but let the phone ring? I get clammy, lol.

finally got hydrated....didn"t fast on purpose, so hadn't properly prepared or talked my body into abstaining.... so i had a terrible headache! All cool now, just usual fever and fatigue.

FULL MOON! THE ROCKIES SHROUDED IN A STEEP FOG AND MYSTIQUE! they are there, you know it, even when you can't see it.

Having faith and fun, very loud, FAST fun!
Jan M. Olsen

~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

I'm Here, Anywhere But There

Well, uneventful flights. Supposedly 48 degrees here in denver. I shucked my jacket immediately from the hustling bustle to navigate a maze of an airport. Felt like the mouse Algernon. I should buy myself flowers, though, because I did it!

First sight that was independantly my own, not the terminal or shuttle, or rental agencies, but rather the first view outside, in the fresh air (THANK YOU LORD FOR OUTDOORS!!!)...was a rainbow! Everyone knows, there"s promise and rest from a rainbow! Encouraged, by what a harried local may have missed, I soaked in like an arid desert bloom.

Immed bought a bottle of water and chugged it! My BP iss high, my pain is screaming for my attention, my cold is moving up and out my ears and throat Water!! TYJ for WATER to drink!!!

About to enter Denver at their Friday, 5 o'clock dash! In a car! How cool is that?! An invitation timed just when I was feeling a bit overwhelmed, to join my daughter at her work. An answer to a preference, I will get to greet her one on one, without the baby as her shield. I'm tired, but this is what i came to do!

Still 30 min later, sitting in an exhorbitant $ rental car, taking deep breaths and reminding myself of the mercies, grace, and favor of God that brought me to this second ofg Time in my life. I set a goal, I prayed for direction, provision, God's will, and timing.....and here I am.

Open arms, mind and heart to receive the fruit of years of labor. It's right here.

Thanks for joining me as I ride,
Jan M.Olsen
~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

What better takeoff song to break the constraints of gravity and humanity than "Revelation Song".Next stop, Denver to Pueblo!Grateful and humbled. Loving heart.

Country Mouse Loose In A Small City ;-)

WOW!!!   It is REAL!!! It is HERE!!  It is HAPPENING!!! 

Country Mouse is at her gate in the Jacksonville Airport. Relatively painless, this is no Dallas or Orlando!!! Very low traffic and calm.  Security was thorough, but non-invasive.

I keep pinching myself!!!  THE DAY HAS ARRIVED!!!  

Ok,, here is the requisite photo from the gate, with my plane in view!  hah!!  Just proof when I need it that I AM REALLY GOING TO FLY TO SEE ALISHA!!!!!

I got here 90 minute early, I am so excited. LOL!! And in awe of all the food venues and sales opportunites here in the airport!!!  To save money,, I hit up the gut truck at the Yard,, and aint drinking much at all.

OH heck!! I am just soooooooooooooo  bubbling!!

If You're Weird And You Know It, Clap Your Hands, CLAP CLAP

After making a rambling list of what to pack and what to do in the AM to secure my truck?

Was going to sleep, but first began to sync and charge my MP3 for the flight- heaven help me I'm singing to top of my lungs...like just me and the Atlantic ocean- singing.

Oooh Boy :-/

Like Dad always said, "Girl, for somebody so smart, how can you be so dumb sometimes?"

I hear ya loud and clear on this one.

Laughing at myself,, and gonna try to decompress again. 

With a shake of my head and a grin, gnite moon!
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Is There Any Calgon In That Suitcase? Please, Take Me Away!

Listening to: "In The Arms Of The Angels" Sarah McLaughlin,,,and "Wild Thing" Tone Loc... kinda alllll over the place, dontcha think??  UGH!!!!

Been a very busy last few days.Alot of decisions to make.When it came right down to it?

 I chose to live my life among the living. 

I am going through with my plans to go see Alisha and my grandson.  Jeremiah turned 7 months old today, and I will get to meet the little dude for the first time in just a few short hours from right now, mark time, MARCH!

I am a list-maker.  So,, all this uncertainty,, all this hotwire, expedia, priceline, orbitz, direct websites and 1-800 numbers is giving me a colossal headache!!  Where you shave a penny here, it cost you a nickel in the fine print!!  I finally sat down just a few minutes ago, determined to not get up until I had a rental car reserved!!!!!!!   Aiyiyiyiyi YI YI YI!!

   Angel, I have joined you among the procrastinator ranks this time, Baby!  And btw,, i am uncomfortable with every second of it,, so,, don't look to pull me down into YOUR bucket, little Crab,, come up to the LIGHT!  Lol, j/k, love ya, Bugs!  Thanks for holding my arms up in battle, my little Warrior Dove!  The pay off is near at hand, my love!

Not much of a gal that gets out on vacation types very often?? I have no real idea how to navigate all those tools.  I decided to just go direct. That's what I did over a month ago when I bought my airline ticket from Southwest.

 It creeps me out to give my credit card number over the internet,, and let the fickle Finger Of Fate choose the merchant, location and ware for me!!  I opted for a slightly mid-size car,,, even though it will only be my daughter, the baby, and I?  And my suitcase??? this gives room for strollers, diaper bags,, and all the loot Jeremiah is about to score from his soft NanaJ - wry laugh!!!

I worked several days extra on this paycheck,, just so I CAN load his wagon!  It has been hard not to buy him gifts as I see them,, when I would have to pay shipping or luggage... sooooo,,, with supreme self-control, I am going to wait!  And take Momma and baby shopping together.

To be honest??? I don't even know what size he wears? What is his bedroom decorated like?  What does his mom and dad enjoy these days???

People??? I haven't even seen Alisha in THREE years...  from 18-21,,, I am sure she has changed.

I know I have :)

Then there's the small matter of where to sleep??? I want to just sleep in the car,, like I do my truck.  I think Pastor would not agree,,, as a matter of fact,, he counselled against it.  LOL. Tony, Alisha's husband,, will not let me in thier home.  So,,, any visiting will be done in a hotel, or out in town.  Reckon I will get a room...

In the words of the buzzards in Jungle Book, "Let's not start that again!!  Reservations??   PLEASE  my pea brain is maxxed out!!

I am just so grateful for this gift ,,, time and opportunity.  How wonderful the day when Alisha emailed me asking for my phone number.  I was training a new student, when we got stuck in New Mexico in a flash blizzard that closed I-40 for 4 days last January. Then THE CALL came in,, from a number I didnt recognize,, and a tearful, quivering voice on the other end, said, "Mommy?"

We cried that day, my girl and I,,, as I am crying now,, with washing tears of both relief and joy. 

I had faith that if I just waited for her,, and prayed,, and waited,,, and prayed,, and waited,,, that ONE day,,,

and it was worth it in the end to hear that ONE word - Mommy?

I had forgiven Alisha and Tony mere days after the split 3 years ago.

But I forgave myself with the mention of my name by my Happy Dancer.

OH!! What peace.... what release,,,,  what HOPE...

So here I am,,, under 24 hours from arriving in her town,, looking for a silly hotel to throw my money away to,,,,  not sure if I wil get to see her then?  If she will ask me to her job?  Or if we will first meet on Saturday?

I have a hope.... I need a few minutes with just Alisha,, without Jeremiah in her arms...  OMG I have got to hold her and look in her eyes and SEE and LET HER SEE my love,,,, I just have to!! It's been too long.

Then, throughout the weekend,, I need to be alone with Jeremiah,, just 5 minutes,, to annoint and pray over him, to give angels charge over him,, to instruct him to always love and honor and cherish both his mom and his dad forever.

So distracted at work today??? I ended up with THREE blue ink pens in my jeans back pocket and THREE pairs of sunglasses on my head!!! 

I slept 12 hours last night,, I could so easy go to bed right now,,, give in to the sad tears for my friend, the grateful tears for Angel, Alisha, Jeremiah and I ....  pray and just go to sleep.... I think a good sleep will be a GREAT start for this adventure!!!

I have less fever in my joints today.  It's been almost 3 weeks since I had those abominable injections and associated nausea.  No idea what my BP is,, but I can tell it is NOT at critical mass..

Instead, I am limp in heart and body.  Yawning with my mouth and my mind.

ii John v. 12- Having many things to write unto you, I would not write with paper and ink: but I trust to come unto you, and speak face to face, that our joy may be full.

Yearning, dreaming, thanking,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Ecclesiastes 3 The GRATITUDE- inducing verses highlighted in BLUE!

1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; (well HALLELUJAH FOR THESE TWO TIMES!!!))
5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Resting

In Angel's made up word, I am anky. Cranky and achy, lol. Used to tell tthem as kids, "just because you have a fever and don't feel good? DOn't take it out on anyone else. We didn't do it to you."

I needed that chastisement. I am so tired that even my skin hurts. So?? Stripped to the bare essentials (that's to the skin) ...even my skin will get air and breathing room. Turning my brain off, laying my body in a restFULL position, temperature perfect (super cold)...not expecting anyone to knock on my truck for any reason. Word up! If they do dare disturb my slumber? I will prolly bite! Fair warning!

I want to dream of catching candy at a parade. Nothing more seriouss or dark than that, please.

Climbing into the wingspan of the angels, ready to surrender my guard.

Spent time specifically "free-writing" in my new notebook. Timed it and all that jazz. Time was up very quickly, I had more to say.

well, before i fall asleep typing this blog, gonna close my eyes and picture those I am grateful for! Can't wait to see Alisha...about this time on Friday.

Goodnight, with a gentle song and release,
Jan M. Olsen

~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

Angel was just recommended, then nominated to be in the collegiate National Honor Society!! WAY OVER MY HEAD! Possible extra scholarships! Wow! Go God!

Boomerang

Already been driving 10 hours. Four more to go. At that pseudo milestone, DOT says stop, drop and roll (into bed). The preferred location for this relief of duty status would be 1)near my car/church 2) truck stop with food 3) rest area with indoor plumbing 4) near the next shipper, on the roadside, no facilities whatsoever.

 Hmmmmm... my company insists I "make it happen" to go pick up the next load before break. So,,,,ding ding ding!   Number 4 is winner of Home Sweet Home!  Happy Wednesday to me!

I can doze standing up, sitting down, wherever I stop MOVING!  LOL

My eyes hurt and twitch. My nose, throat, and chest hurt, tight, red,,,,, all that is extra bonus to the inferno that boils day and night anyway. Sigh,,,, what I wouldn't give to sleep in the swimming pool, head propped up on  a noodle... that always scared the mess out of the fitness trainers!!!  To come out to lock up, to find me drifting, lights off to the pool,, SOUND ASLEEP!!!!!

Maybe a bit like a boomerang? Jax to Miami to Orlando - lost some momentum on the bounce UP. oh well cest a vie. 14 hrs is enough punishment to my wore out body. Hmpf! My sleeping bag is calling with its  Siren Song!

For music, settled on Classical. It's not mindless. My ears tune into the various "voices" of each section, or even individual instruments. Engaged,  as the movements progress, my mind follows the drama and journey. Even my whupped body responded by tensing, flexxing, moving in time.... when the music was slow or soft, I breathed deeply and really "looked" at my tense places.  Too numerous to release all at once, I WAS still driving my semi, LOL. When the crescendoes came, I noticed I was pumped and invigorated.  Could drive many more hours.. but nah,,, :)

Amazing bass trombone, cello, and some delightful midwest American composers as well!

The focus has been what my thoughts needed. A guided channel to lands, times, loves near and far. Less time introspective or burning with pain.

Good choice of station, Jan! You ROCK!

Passed within  1 mile of my car.  Only 5 miles from church and my adoptive family. I dont usually get same day assignments back out of SoFL, so was already rolling with anticipation to my hiding place.  Woulda got in just as Pastor came out of his private devotions.  Staff would be arriving. I could have gotten in the building,,, sometimes just BEING is perfect and fulfilling. Oh well, have to adjust and tuck and roll. That's all.

Trying to use up my cold food before vacation. Blindly grabbed the apples.Sliced in a bag, was a little put off they looked like the wizened apple witches we made as kids. Tangy fermented too. Ptooey! Glad its now daylight, will be examining the brocolli and carrots for  freshness.

Put up a note in the driver's lounge at Terminal in Jax.  I need a ride to the airport on Friday....

Trying to  work on my awareness of my thoughts, words, voice, and breathing.  A little bit of effort to find the humbly grateful girl I know was smooshed to a pulp yesterday by the death of my friend.  Attitude of gratitude, even if it is only for music, word, true sour apples (bah), and my upcoming date with my pillow ;-)

How'd I do??? 
lol
Tired, but shiny side up,
Jan M. Olsen
*** UPDATE!!!  I stood up for myself!!! I would have had to run illegally over my DOT hours to get to the shipper!  They are 24 hours, I have been there many times.  So I kinda pushed back on my dispatcher, until he got me cleared to stop now, resume after my 10 hr DOT break.  Drive overnight,, again...  Safe and legal!!! So,, make that option #3,,,, chilling at a rest area with running water!  Such small things,, such big victories!!!
~J~
Sent +rom my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

Yikes! Blogspot is making me switch to a Google sign in. I've lost access to the Roaring Lion blog :(

I Need Gills Instead Of Lungs

Truly, that is how I feel so much of the time.  I don't belong here, in the air breathing landlocked environment.  The places I find the most wonder, relief on my joints and pains, and the least damn thought,, is at depth, tank on, as close to the ocean floor as possible.  Just sitting. Reclining, Prone.Laying on my back, watching my bubbles rise, shimmer, and pop.  Breathing in slowly, exhaling twice as slow. Working diligently to make my tank last as long as I can.  All the while, knowing, my time in peace is measured, literally by the breaths I expend. The tank holds a finite amount of supply. My time at depth, in my own world, will come to a close. Too soon.

Then I will be forced to ascend.  It's not enough that a diver must ascend slowly to release nitrogen build up in their tissues (decompression). No, I rise reluctantly emotionally. The last 15 feet before breaking the surface and searching for the boat? The ocean surge builds to a wild crescendo, and I am once again, tossed about. To and fro, with no control over where the push or pull takes me. Tides, moons, weather, physics, it all pulls and demands and insists that THEIR voice be heard!!  Pick ME they scream in the cacophony clamoring in my head!

Immediately upon emerging into the "air"?  The fight to find a way to breathe clear air begins.  Either I saved sufficient P.S.I. of air in my tank for this period of getting back on the boat?  Or I must trust a snorkel, which is constantly being swamped by waves of salt & brine. Knowing that this stage exists?? Makes me nervous to even plan a dive, travel to a site, begin to suit up, check the equipment, jump off a perfectly good boat in to 60 feet or more of heaving seas,,, and to TRUST the fact that if I can JUST get to 15 feet of depth?? The surge is almost non-existent. I can then navigate N,S,E,W and find my happy place. I can remember to breathe properly and relax, totally LOST in a world of wonder and awe and ever-changing glory of God's creation.

Like with most aspects of my life, I charge the trepidations head-on. Nervous or not, I shrug, gear up, and dive anyway. Most of the time, the rewards outweigh the risks.

So much color! So much LIFE!  So many little sounds,,, the clicking of the shrimp, the churning of propellers,  the rustle of metal dive gear scraping in a foreign land.  The sound of my own blood pulsing.

It is what is missing that makes this so wonderful.  No conversation.  No media. No electronics (past the dive computer).  No yesterday, No tomorrow. No pain in my body after I equalize the changing pressures at depth.  Then, for me,,,, no inner dialogue. Absence of churning thoughts. A focus on surviving safely in a "hostile" environment, and a relaxation to just "BE" one with the ebb and flow of LIFE all around me. 

I lost a dear friend last night.  Too young, too soon. Senseless.  That she feared most to be alone, and died alone? Crushes my heart.  I failed her. I failed me. I failed her family.  She died in her own worst nightmare. Alone.

She wrote me a note. She tried to set my mind to ease. Instead, she left me more questions. Immense pain.  Overwhelming loss. Deafening silence of her voice. Forever.

Forever. Oh my God how that hurts.

I had felt in my spirit that something was wrong.  I felt the call to travail. To anguish.  I prayed. I felt ineffective with my own words, because at that moment, I didn't know the need, just that there was one. God has a sense of humor. He created me to be intense and passionate.  Prayer is no different for me, it is a 200% whole-body experience!!  Funny joke, God, that my altar is so often while I am at work, driving, trapped behind the wheel.

 I didn't get release from God this time. I stopped praying when I was expended, but didn't feel closure of the matter.

Then I find out why. My friend killed herself.

All day today I have been so at a loss to reach out.  Trust me, I think I am pretty pleased that I have a few internet friends, a few church friends, fewer family..... until the time comes when I really wanted to be held and reassured. then all of that felt shallow and made me question why I let anyone in my world at all. Ever?

In person, people hurt you. In the anonymity of the internet, emails, blogs, books, media, there is just no real human touch.  I was completely crushed by that separation and void today. I both fear people and their touch and crave it, need it all at the same time.  And that weakness of me, just pisses me off.

Suddenly, the euphoria I was bubbling along towards my Friday trip to reunite with Alisha, was tempered first by the unshakable sense that something was wrong, that pain was ahead. Then by the reality of a phone call and a letter to me.

I failed to make a difference for my friend. I let her down. She died alone.

Hell, I live that way. It's Life for me. But she had tried Sunday to tell me how uncomfortable she was in her family, in her environment. I listened, I asked her questions, I gave her the best thoughts and guidance that I know.... she answered her questions for herself. She ended her life.

So, today I had to choose.  Forego my trip to Colorado, and risk losing Alisha again, perhaps forever?

Or stay behind and attend a funeral? Face the friends and family, her daughters and let them see me as the failure I am?

Just the sadness of loss alone, was enough to render me unable to drive or work.  I was getting truck maintenance, and the staff were so concerned by my grief and stage of distress, that they found another truck, gave me the keys, and encouraged me to take my clothes, and sleeping bag in there. They thought I needed sleep. Which, physically, yeah, I am at the end of myself. I needed sleep.  But I ended up crying. Praying. Yelling. Crying.... a lot of crying.

If I lived at a physical address like my driver's license proclaims?  I would have called out sick. Frumpy housewife attire of fuzzy comfy bathrobe, box of Puffs tissues in one hand, cup of herbal hot tea in another. Lavendar aroma  to soothe, instrumental, soul-taming music soft in the periphery....

On trucks, though?  At the end of the day, an angel unawares came to me.  Israel walked up to me and said he had a word from God to me.  It was the story of King David, after he had sinned with Bathsheba. The prophet had come to him, through a parable described a theft and crime. David himself spoke of vengeance.

He was that man,,,, his child was to die.  He fasted, prayed, and abased himself.  To the point where his people feared for his sanity. Then the child DID die.  When he got the word, he arose, washed, and clothed himself.

When asked why? He said, "I cannot bring him back. But I can go to him one day."

Israel told me I am to "GO, among the living, while there is yet time".

So, I have made a tough decision.  I am still flying to Colorado on Friday.

Once the decision was made, I went to sleep.

The word came next, that it wont be a funeral after all.Rather she will be cremated, and a memorial service at another time. So, I made the choice, which was confirmed by this. It wasn't easy though.

So, I slept again. I fall asleep crying. I awaken, crying. So sad. So hurt. So lost. So in pain of heart, mind, body, spirit, soul. Such loss.

I began to drive around 11pm. There are several meteor showers a year that I faithfully attend and tell everyone I can think of about. Pathetic, but I think if even one person sees the same sky, as vast as it is, separated by miles and time zones? That perhaps, there is a spirit connection and i am not alone after all.

Alone? I really resonate with my friend. And am fighting the depth of despair and crushing hopelessness. Like my friend, I am alone in a room full of people. In a church, in a classroom, in a home.

The "GIFTS" within me keep me so different, and very isolated,

Curses, sometimes,,, that's what they seem like to me.

I spent time thinking of HOW she died, her method of taking her own life. Her letters to people. The scenario, who found her. Who knows she is dead?

Unbidden, yet insidious, the thoughts churn in me.  I won't leave a note if I choose to leave this world. I won't make a mess. I won't be found by my children. I won't be a burden to them.

If I do it, it will look like an accident.  Everyone knows I use ice blocks for pain management. It would be as simple as "trying" dry ice,,,, noxious in enclosed spaces like my rig! Death is peaceful,,, you just go to sleep.

Life insurance will pay out.  The girls can be sorry I am gone, but not in anguish as to WHY ... 

yet, I have had thoughts of suicide off and on since a teenager.  Tried more than once.  The last time was last year. I had taken steps to ensure I would be left alone long enough, that there would be no resuscitation.

BUT GOD.... he allowed me to sleep soundly 3 hours,, before he himself woke me up.

Israel also told me God had verses for me. Romans chapter 8,,,, I cannot choose to take myself from this life. Not until God lets me go. In his word, he explains that he will not do that.

What about my friend? Did he let her go? We have self-will.

Too many questions.

So, as I drive southward to Miami for an 0800 delivery, the eastern sky is dark, the moon shifted already. I see an Orionid meteor.

Funny, i love colors and Kodak moments.  But sunsets and sunrises are products of environmental pollutions.  And meteor showers are the earth passing through a comet debris field,, not falling stars as we so glamorously proclaim.  Thanks, Nanci, I will never think of "comet debris field" without seeing in my mind the words you typed "comet $heeeet...."  LOL.. comet poop. Well alrighty then. Pollution, in other words.

http://earthsky.org/astronomy-essentials/earthskys-meteor-shower-guide

Yet I drive through the darkest of nights,, looking diligently for a "falling star" or the coveted and rare EARTHGRAZER (thank you, Zig Ziglar!).  And I wait earnestly, hopeful for sunrise. Then because of my job and lifestyle?? I end up seeing the sun set later in that 24 hours as well.

I have no tidy end to this note.  Out of words at the moment, yet, I know I have not made a dent in my pain, or made the least bit of sense or reason. To you the reader, or to myself.

So lost. So sad. So hurt. So alone. So,,,,,,, in pain. Whether lungs or gills? Breathing hurts me right now,, because it means I am alive to draw it,, and my friend is not. Ever.

Crushed and hurting,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
spellcheck isnt working and frankly my dear, i dont give a damn
Romans, portion of chapter 8:
35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

36 As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.
37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

overwhelming sadness

no where to place this hurt

i ..... hurt

I Didn't Get To Tell You

I didn't get to say goodbye.

Seems the only half decent time to drive through Los Angeles OR SoFL is 2am! It's just now 5:30am, nutty already! Crazy! Rude & congested.

We took turns with youtube videos, testimonies, burdens, sharing a meal, heart-warming love with a brother, a sister, and with Winston ;) I'm so blessed-happy.

VERY MOST AWESOME VISIT WITH 2 OF THE PUREST OF HEART, MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN AND WOMAN INSIDE TO THE OUTSIDE! HOSPITALITY, FELLOWSHIP, SUPPORT. Humbled, no words.

Sonny's!!! That's what's for lunch! Hanging for the PM with Brian & Shanna! WooHoo!!! Another gift and blessing! GR8 fellowship AND food ;)

It's Biketoberfest at Daytona Beach. Why am I cruising through on 16 wheels too many??? What was I thinking?

Going Through Old Letters I Found This....

You WILL BE VICTORIOUS!! IN JESUS' NAME!!!

Pastor

On Sat, Nov 8, 2008 at 8:08 PM, Jan wrote:
Pastor Hattabaugh,
This will be the last letter I send for awhile.
8 November 2008, Saturday
St. Clair, Missouri
Alisha – Truth- - For Awhile

AWHILE
For awhile, I am going to drop off the internet scene. I am closing myself in. Getting shut away with God, taking hold of the horns of the altar in a death grip that says "I won't let you go until you bless me!!!!!!!!!" After this letter, I am beginning a fresh communications fast. I don't have a clear direction from God yet as to just how long this one will last. The one after Conference was only supposed to be 3 days , until I failed miserably on the first day and it became 4 days with a modified food fast too. This means no new email from me, no more Facebook or Myspace,,, not sure about journaling. Anything you wish to send to me,, will be there waiting for me when I return. You will still be able to keep up with me via checks in the mail.

I will not be looking up a church for Sunday either.

Simply tired of something having a hold on me. My past? The Present? The Future? Whether it is the enemy holding me 10 feet underwater upside down,, strangling me? Or God withholding directions and blessings from me until he gets through to my my hard head? Whatever it is, I am sick of being "HELD". I am gonna get serious with God.

I have no choice.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
ALISHA

Angel reminded me today of a few things. Not to let Ole be a stumbling block. Ole will not return mine or Angel's phone calls. I can see mine.. but Angel his daughter? Is he just busy? A jerk? Or does he have an arrangement with Alisha that he can be in her loop if he keeps Angel and I in the dark?

Also, not to let Alisha be a stumbling block. It is their right to decide to shut us out. Up to us how it affects us. Also of the dreams she and I were given of God separately back in August. Alisha is not either one of ours. She doesn't "belong" to me as a daughter or to Angel as a Sister. She is blood bought, purchased by God to himself, she is his, not ours. Jesus stands to lose a whole lot more in Alisha's rejection than we do.

So, I have updated my status on myspace. That way if Alisha looks me up again,, and is preparing another nasty letter to me,,, she will see quiet words of strength, from my heart. The reference to "Meet In The Middle" is a song that Lewis and I played for both girls once upon a better time, and we had a group hug and a long evening of dancing and holding each other close,,, bonding. It is a country song that simply says, "I'd start walking your way, You'd start walking mine, We'd meet in the middle 'neath that old Georgia pine, We'd gain a lot of ground, 'cause we'd both give a little, There ain't no road too long, when you meet in the middle."
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

TRUTH

The areas I will be focusing on:
1) My salvation and place with God. Sorry, but for once I have to be selfish and make this my number one priority.
2) My family to include parents and brother. Angel (& Aaron). Alisha (& Tony & ???).
3) The ministry and the churches and the families I have met so far since June nationwide.
4) Lost souls.
5) The breakthrough I keep getting laid hands on for. I have got to have an answer.
6) Loneliness and hopelessness. Especially here during the holiday season.

Questions to filter everything that I allow back into my life when I emerge from this season:

A) Is it edifying?

B) Does it glorify God?

C) Is it necessary?

D) Will it matter in 20 years?

E) Is it worth it?

F) Will it hinder me or anyone else in walking with God in a way that pleases him?

G) Am I being a good steward? Time, money, talents, abilities, energy?

H) Is it in proper proportions? Moderation?

I) Does it line up with the Bible?

I am broken of heart.


I possess a contrite spirit.


I am weary of fighting.


I am sick of my own stubborn self will and self determination stealing perfect joy and surrender in Christ.


I can't seem to get out of my own way.


I am desperate for answers. Peace. Guidance.


I am vulnerable and afraid.


I am going to boldly approach the throne of grace.


I will humbly present my body a living sacrifice.


I am standing on the solidness of God's unchanging WORD and Nature.


I will be victorious.

My request to you is that you pray for me. Thank you for your time, understanding, and prayers.
JAN OLSEN
~J~
"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." Ralph Waldo Emerson

It's a Song Kind of Day

You don't know how you met me
You don't know why, you cant turn around and say good-bye
All you know is when im with you I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea


I'm singing....
Follow me


Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

Won't give you money
I can't give you the sky
It better off if you don't ask why
I'm not the reason that you go stranded
We'll be alright if you don't ask me to stay

You don't know how you met me
You don't know why, you cant turn around and say good-bye
All you know is when im with you I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea


I'm singing....


Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Spend all your time waiting

For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight


In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there


So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

WOW OH WOW! a Thoma Kincaide store at Casey Jones! I can look, but I can't afford a postcard. Love his works :)

Not In A Box

Travelling a route from Mississippi to Tennessee that I covered about 3 weeks ago, reminded I am not the same person I was that day. The area pointed out to me its differences. It is cooler temps,The landscape is subtly different, now wearing a Joseph's coat of Fall colors with some thinning to the foliage.


Previously, I had not noticed this is serious cotton farmlands. Today, the harvest is rich & ample. It was one particular field that spoke into my heart. I noticed as the road undulated with the hills, off to the right, the same white heads of the cotton bolls. But THIS field was not squared off in a box. Rather, it was an artistic layout of sweeps and curves. Instead of flat, it rolled up and down with the land. I took another look and realised the shape of the field was due to the farmer had planted around the existing trees! In radiant TN Autumn array, the white tree skirt of cotton crop moved with the land instead of tilling under the sentinels of old.

Stirred in my spirit, I know I just saw a visualization of something I have been trying to explain about my own inner man for a lifetime. I just don't want to be guilty of rigid idealogies, man's dictates, or tradition that no one can remember WHY it was ever done that way to start with. Gifted in spirit, intelligence, and in heart matters, I want to flow as the essence directs. Keep my color & integrity. Profit from that which has blazed before, all while protecting my faith in colors, shapes, changes.

I appreciate the farmer. He did something that was right in his own eyes. Who knows if anyone else noticed? Did the farmers association threaten to disbar him? Did his family scoff? Did his children move away to work another farm that adhered to the established rules of planting?

Who knows.

His statement reached into this road warrior's being. I missed it three weeks ago, when the trees and the crop were a uniform green. Today, challenged to let HIS light shine through my light and windows. As I turn in the sun, allowing the bouncing of my inner light to refract as though from an Austrian crystal.

Cleaned the panes so I can see clearly. Pulled up & discarded the weeds of distraction. Blew out the chaff of people & things that weigh me down. Added color and texture to my support system through new, old, and renewed acquaintences.

Feeling a sirring within me. Time to create again. To explore. To stretch. To extend. Much has been given to me. Much is required. Rested and ready. Eager. Inspired. Warmed of soul, full of passion. Renewed of hope, faith and of love.

Musing,

Jan M. Olsen

~J~

At receiver in Humboldt, TN "Follow the lines of the pavement when you back in. It won't look straight, but it will be straight". HUH?!?!
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
kind of the humor. NO yellow lines at all. The plane lines of the concrete ramp was off plumb. The tractor had to keep a bend in it to be square against the dockplate. Dropped it in one shot, with one pull up! whoop whoop!