*** SIDE NOTE... I know... I KNOW!! I really shouldn't TURN THE FULL HEAT OF MY SMILE onto anyone,,, LOL... couldnt resist though,,,, I fired it up on Sami at Chick-Fil-A.... Poor dude,, DIDNT STAND A CHANCE, lol. He was a stammering mess. HOW FUNNY! I kinda like doing that every now and then,,,, JUST TO MESS WITH PEOPLE! (ROFL)
EXTREMELY.......
VERY EXTREMELY CONFLICTED .....
very - - VERY *VERY* BOUND UP INSIDE....
Feeling a CRUSHING WEIGHT square in my CHEST and CORE BEING!
omw....may HAVE TO DANCE after all ....
when i FINALLY get back to Jax???!!!
i know thats a heavy industrial area....Bet i could find a dark service road and go DANCE my guts out before I BLOW MY BRAINS OUT or screw up somewhere???
FRIDAYS....HEY at leasst I dont have a home.... FRIDAY tends to be "jusst another day"..... that FRIDAY FEELING aint hit me like this since the Perseids.
YIKES!
collateral damage is LIKELY
being "back home"??? i know which radio stations play what,,, and if i cave to an OLD DESTRUCTIVE HABIT OR TWO OR THREE????
IKNOW WHERE I CAN GO AND FIND JUST ABOUT ANYTHING THAT gets me through the night.....
C MON SUNSHINE!!
~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone
Essence
I shall be at peace when the lion within can lie down with the lamb.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Goldielocks Says "Juuuust Right!"
Finally! Running on fumes, last sleep was 9pm wednesday and a snooze in Hollywood. Got the temperature PUUURRR-FECT here in my truck! My hands and feet are blue, nose is icy, and lips are at risk to chap.
Yep! It is freezing COLD in my truck! Never mind that it is an exquisite latter October day :-/
Sooo chilly? Yes, so I can burrow and snuggle down in soft layers of sheets, fleece, and sleeping bag.
Just sleep better cuddled up...Addy aint here to lend his ears for me to rub until I drift off. So? Snug as a bug in a rug it is!
Noonish now, back up at 4pm so I can get lunch, drive at 5:30pm.... hah! Gotta love hate the trucker crazy schedules! Glad to have work. That's the most important detail! Blessed to be physically still able, and loving the USA!
Finally uploaded trip photos to Picasa. Ready to have both my girls rendevous in a condo or something for a weekend or holiday.
HEY! a girl can dream big!
G'nite, world! Sweet dreams, please.
Jan O
~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone
Concerned
Added on Friday at 0600: Whew! Seriously dragging tail!! Would technically be late for delivery appointment. Was half wishing for a deer or flat tire, LOL... any excuse better than "Grumpy ol' Goat needs a nap."
Trucking just slays me with their waste of money and manpower. The company sent me deadhead (no! Not ME, lol... the trailer is EMPTY thus the term - deadhead) 220 miles Miami to Orlando to pick up 50 washing machines going 4 (paid) miles to Winter Park. It was supposed to be a pre-loaded trailer.
Get here, on verge of late or very tight OTD and find it is a LIVE load!
HAH!! Saved by the kerfluffel!!
Now it's between Sears and my company to set a delivery time! Wipe the sweaty brow from THAT one. Was bummed to be running late. Not my style at all. Just flat wore out and moving sloooooow :(
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Always get concerned when after a period of headache and swelling that my right side goes numb and hard to command.... and my brain gets cloudy...my thoughts jumbled..
When that's not a condition of my heart, but instead a product of headache and high blood pressure? I can't help but wonder if its happening again?
I had a wonderful day of self-reconnection at Hollywood Beach. However, my personal prayer that I get even temporary respite from fever, joint pain, fatigue and scary high BP did not come to pass.
God is a healer. One way or another. His timing. His terms. TO HIS GLORY...
meanwhile, God please protect the motorists that share the roads with me.
This afternoon, enjoyed a 65 minute phone call with Angel. We had been playing phone tag, Both of us had begun to experience frustration the other was brushing off. A small series of missed cues or misread comments had simmered.
I love that little Lady. When I think I have "mind-struggles" ? It only takes a glimpse into Another's World to find my own abundant showerss of blessings! Thankful we took time to mend that broken, sparking foil path connection! New fuses and wiring? Restored service :)
Meanwhile as I drive tonight to Orlando, my numb right side would be comical if I weren't having nerve and muscle spasms behind this big wheel. One day.... I will understand it better by and by... right?
Listening to "Music Through The Night" and choosing to purpose in counting my blessings,
Jan M. Olsen
~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phon
Trucking just slays me with their waste of money and manpower. The company sent me deadhead (no! Not ME, lol... the trailer is EMPTY thus the term - deadhead) 220 miles Miami to Orlando to pick up 50 washing machines going 4 (paid) miles to Winter Park. It was supposed to be a pre-loaded trailer.
Get here, on verge of late or very tight OTD and find it is a LIVE load!
HAH!! Saved by the kerfluffel!!
Now it's between Sears and my company to set a delivery time! Wipe the sweaty brow from THAT one. Was bummed to be running late. Not my style at all. Just flat wore out and moving sloooooow :(
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Always get concerned when after a period of headache and swelling that my right side goes numb and hard to command.... and my brain gets cloudy...my thoughts jumbled..
When that's not a condition of my heart, but instead a product of headache and high blood pressure? I can't help but wonder if its happening again?
I had a wonderful day of self-reconnection at Hollywood Beach. However, my personal prayer that I get even temporary respite from fever, joint pain, fatigue and scary high BP did not come to pass.
God is a healer. One way or another. His timing. His terms. TO HIS GLORY...
meanwhile, God please protect the motorists that share the roads with me.
This afternoon, enjoyed a 65 minute phone call with Angel. We had been playing phone tag, Both of us had begun to experience frustration the other was brushing off. A small series of missed cues or misread comments had simmered.
I love that little Lady. When I think I have "mind-struggles" ? It only takes a glimpse into Another's World to find my own abundant showerss of blessings! Thankful we took time to mend that broken, sparking foil path connection! New fuses and wiring? Restored service :)
Meanwhile as I drive tonight to Orlando, my numb right side would be comical if I weren't having nerve and muscle spasms behind this big wheel. One day.... I will understand it better by and by... right?
Listening to "Music Through The Night" and choosing to purpose in counting my blessings,
Jan M. Olsen
~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phon
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Funny Comments From The Elders Computer Class
80 yr old Resident Angel : "Do people get sick and catch that virus if they touch it?" The rest of us fell out of our chairs!!!
same Angel ""you mean if you take that little grey cord and connect it into the back of that thing there, then the other end goes into your printer? Is that what you are telling me?"
others:
It's a free download. "How much does it cost?"
"If there are cookies? Who eats them?"
"Can I click on the paper clip? Will it make me sick?"
"If I have internet at home, am I wireless?"
(I'm soooo sorry,, but this is cracking me up!!)
We downloaded malware software, and Sis Rachel's ran for 12 seconds and had 168 infected files found! OMW!
same Angel ""you mean if you take that little grey cord and connect it into the back of that thing there, then the other end goes into your printer? Is that what you are telling me?"
others:
It's a free download. "How much does it cost?"
"If there are cookies? Who eats them?"
"Can I click on the paper clip? Will it make me sick?"
"If I have internet at home, am I wireless?"
(I'm soooo sorry,, but this is cracking me up!!)
We downloaded malware software, and Sis Rachel's ran for 12 seconds and had 168 infected files found! OMW!
A-H-RR-OO-W-LLL!!! COLD SHOWER! Yeah buddy!
I love not having a home to go to.. I mean that in deep humor.
A fun song by SirMixAlot says:
"Transform scratchin', big beat matchin'
I can tell you're getting jealous by the look I'm catchin'"
It is great to watch the funny looks I catch when I shampoo and condition my hair, soap up with a washcloth, and then apply all over body conditioner that rinses off!! Love how soft the conditioner makes my skin and it makes the water bead up on me. I get salt and sand and suntan oil in my slitzs and take a shower before I get dressed, LOL. I am usually headed straight back to work, or to church,,, tonight, it's not for a service, it is to serve by teaching/ being taught by the elders.
{{ 80 years old , Resident Angel- "you mean if you take that little grey cord and connect it into the back of that thing there, then the other end goes into your printer? Is that what you are telling me?"
But I do get tickled by whole shower bit... I am so nice and fresh and clean clean! Ting! LOL... Smelling great,,,
loved every second of my soiltude in and on the ocean... just me and my Creator! Ahhhhh....
Will be driving from midnight,, no sleep since 9pm Wednesday,, but I will sleep tomorrow most likely???
WHat a gift today was!! Love ya, Bro. Clark! Thought of you today! Will catch ya up on that later
Riding off into the Atlantic sunset :)
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
A fun song by SirMixAlot says:
"Transform scratchin', big beat matchin'
I can tell you're getting jealous by the look I'm catchin'"
yall just wish you could cold shower on the beach as a normal routine, like me!
It is great to watch the funny looks I catch when I shampoo and condition my hair, soap up with a washcloth, and then apply all over body conditioner that rinses off!! Love how soft the conditioner makes my skin and it makes the water bead up on me. I get salt and sand and suntan oil in my slitzs and take a shower before I get dressed, LOL. I am usually headed straight back to work, or to church,,, tonight, it's not for a service, it is to serve by teaching/ being taught by the elders.
{{ 80 years old , Resident Angel- "you mean if you take that little grey cord and connect it into the back of that thing there, then the other end goes into your printer? Is that what you are telling me?"
But I do get tickled by whole shower bit... I am so nice and fresh and clean clean! Ting! LOL... Smelling great,,,
Will be driving from midnight,, no sleep since 9pm Wednesday,, but I will sleep tomorrow most likely???
WHat a gift today was!! Love ya, Bro. Clark! Thought of you today! Will catch ya up on that later
Riding off into the Atlantic sunset :)
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
All Work? Nope, None At All
Adapt? Entertain myself with Creation and Divine Opportunities?
This work week, or negligent lack thereof would have been on my last good nerve!
Available since 10pm Monday, as agreed, only 330 mile so far.Say What?!?!
Yeppers, dutifully drove to Miami overnight, 2 hours early to delivery. If I had a driver manager worth his salt? There would have been a pre-plan to keep me rolling the rest of my DOT duty hours.
By the time Joe bothered to look??? I'm out of hours.
Cest la vie! I need the miles and money. Got alot of people to give the money to. It's coming up on the holidays,,, I won't need a penny,, but I have plans of making sure no one in my sphere goes hungry or wanting.
Also, decided. I am working THROUGH the holidays. Fed up with no address. LOL.. I went to my P.O.Box,, which still hasn't gotten in my replacement keys,, and I had to look my number up,,, I don't even use it enough to memorize it. Why am I bothering?
So,, got my errands done. Moved my boat from the $145 a month parking spot to a $75 spot. Grrrrr.... no fresh water down here anyway.
Mail, went by the church. Spent an hour in prayer alone,,, alot of great progress there. It's gonna be quieter,,, it just is.
Spent another hour with the secretary Rachel Hattabaugh. Showed her my trip pix and set up to join the elders in a computer and internet class.
While there,, the assistant pastor popped out, he recognized my voice,, and came out just to greet me. That was cool.
He is new,, and frankly,, I don't "connect" easily with him.. He's a great guy, I guess. Trying too hard. He got all up in my space,, followed me to the ladies room and when I turned he was close enough I coulda popped him. That is waaaaay toooo close to be all up in my proximity when I don't know or trust you.... Send your wife next time!
Anyway,, I shared my testimony of my reunion with Alisha. Then moved on.
Went to Walmart and ordered prints of the trip for my parents and brother.. another expense. Get with the internet, peeps.
Got the day off, it appears... so ,,, I am not to be dismayed,,, have driven to Hollywood,, about to get into the ocean,,,, get my sun and fun,, and pray,, GOD PLEASE, SIR,,, PLEEEAASE,,,, please ,, please??? Lower that fever, pain and my BP for even a few hours???
PLEASE???? Let me breathe for pete's sake. Just a few hours,, is that too much to ask to not be in pain?? To not put on a happy face, but instead really be smiling through my eyes, not through the pain????
WHATEVER!!
Glad to be at the beach on a Thursday,, it's already rained,, I am almost alone.. will watch moonrise,, then go to the church, help with the Primetimers,, then go drive to Orlando,,,
Love clouds,,, they have animals in them,, and silver linings.. The only work going on here??? Is to relax!
Thankful for what presents itself,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Nighttime Radio
How are you, dear friends? Miss me this past week, Nighttime Radio? I adore classical, inpirational and jazz! Loving me some James Galway and Dave Koz now =)
JG - just adore his lively skill and crisp precision and attention to the finer nuances of inflection and detail. He is so much FUN to groove to!!! "Serenade in D" by Beethoven is a superb example!
DK- his croon just slides stress right off my temples, fingertips and boot tops! Appreciate his care for attitude and mind.
JG - just adore his lively skill and crisp precision and attention to the finer nuances of inflection and detail. He is so much FUN to groove to!!! "Serenade in D" by Beethoven is a superb example!
DK- his croon just slides stress right off my temples, fingertips and boot tops! Appreciate his care for attitude and mind.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Do I Gotta?
Really?????? Nap in the broad daylight??? Cerulean skies with seven minute frosting clouds? Mild 70's?
Because I made a choice that remained TRUE to who I am? Well, now I am going to be driving 10pm-0800 Jax to Miami. It's a familiar run. But I slept less than 4 hours last night due to pain, and have been up, in pain, all day.
I suppose I could have slid backwards a wee bit, departed a short while from who I am integrally. What do I mean?
In order to make my trip to Colorado, and to have extra money to spend on my daughter and grandson, I stayed out OTR the weekend prior to my trip. So far, I have missed two weeks of being in Sunday school and 2 services each Sunday at POCC.
God is everywhere. In me. Around me. Through me.
But the people that love me, that support me, that unconditionally accept me - they are in SoFL at the Pentecostals of Cooper City.
Many times, I am brave and independant. But if I am REAL to who I am?? My support network is at POCC.
So, see? I really couldn't accept load offers that took me north, or west this late in the week. I need to work up and down the state of Florida and stay within my region. This was a short work week for me to begin with. Even if the truck hadn't broken down? To begin to drive on Tuesday would be less miles than usual.
I counted that in as my Opportunity Cost when I made my vacation plans. When I ran my ideas by Pastor Hattabaugh, and then by Alisha, I knew I would miss two weekends at "home".
A third? No. I need to forsake not the assembling together. It's part of who I am,, deep inside.
My batteries need recharged. My tank needs refilled. I need my "family" and those that love me, even when I screw up so royally and cause great harm,,, they simply love me still.
Here I am, with a load assignment to Miami for tonight. I will be able to go by and check on the security of my car at my hiding place. I will be able to take extra clothes, my suitcase, extra book, photos off my cramped and currently over-stuffed jail cell, I mean semi truck. Either put them in my car for now, or ideally, make a run to my storage unit.
I am grateful for this load, for the work, at last. I am grumbly about having to take a nap and waste this lovely day. Ahhhhhh,,,,,, perhaps I will dream something sweet and encouraging?
Goodnight, way WAAAAYYY early. By the time I am stirring again to begin my work day, most people will be going to bed themselves.
Making myself yawn to feign sleepiness ;-)
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Because I made a choice that remained TRUE to who I am? Well, now I am going to be driving 10pm-0800 Jax to Miami. It's a familiar run. But I slept less than 4 hours last night due to pain, and have been up, in pain, all day.
I suppose I could have slid backwards a wee bit, departed a short while from who I am integrally. What do I mean?
In order to make my trip to Colorado, and to have extra money to spend on my daughter and grandson, I stayed out OTR the weekend prior to my trip. So far, I have missed two weeks of being in Sunday school and 2 services each Sunday at POCC.
God is everywhere. In me. Around me. Through me.
But the people that love me, that support me, that unconditionally accept me - they are in SoFL at the Pentecostals of Cooper City.
Many times, I am brave and independant. But if I am REAL to who I am?? My support network is at POCC.
So, see? I really couldn't accept load offers that took me north, or west this late in the week. I need to work up and down the state of Florida and stay within my region. This was a short work week for me to begin with. Even if the truck hadn't broken down? To begin to drive on Tuesday would be less miles than usual.
I counted that in as my Opportunity Cost when I made my vacation plans. When I ran my ideas by Pastor Hattabaugh, and then by Alisha, I knew I would miss two weekends at "home".
A third? No. I need to forsake not the assembling together. It's part of who I am,, deep inside.
My batteries need recharged. My tank needs refilled. I need my "family" and those that love me, even when I screw up so royally and cause great harm,,, they simply love me still.
Here I am, with a load assignment to Miami for tonight. I will be able to go by and check on the security of my car at my hiding place. I will be able to take extra clothes, my suitcase, extra book, photos off my cramped and currently over-stuffed jail cell, I mean semi truck. Either put them in my car for now, or ideally, make a run to my storage unit.
I am grateful for this load, for the work, at last. I am grumbly about having to take a nap and waste this lovely day. Ahhhhhh,,,,,, perhaps I will dream something sweet and encouraging?
Goodnight, way WAAAAYYY early. By the time I am stirring again to begin my work day, most people will be going to bed themselves.
Making myself yawn to feign sleepiness ;-)
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Let Me Remember
When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not; but my faculties are decaying, now, & soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the latter. It is sad to go to pieces like this, but we all have to do it.
- original manuscript in the Mark Twain Papers as reprinted in Quotable Mark Twain by R. Kent Rasmussen
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The above quote was used in my favorite TV series. I watch archives online since I do not often have access to current programming. I enjoy this show and watch several episodes at once. I still believe that the Good Guys triumph :-) At least in Hollywood :-)
Even while relaxing, I am aware and with all my senses I am living today. Riding with and experiencing every feeling.
A few minutes ago, Eric, the lead mechanic told me that he can not ever see me having a bad day. How odd of a thing for someone to say. It rains on the just and the unjust alike. I explained that when dark times come, I just don't choose to stay there very long. I learn what I was brought to be endued with, and push to move through it, and on back into the light tantalizing just ahead.
If I made a list? There is a horrific and atrocious column of the depravity and black, sinful nature of mankind. Crimes I have committed, and many enacted out upon me.
Across from that list, is notations of the lessons I learned. The skills I picked up. The way I encouraged myself and outgrew the injustices.
It is a mindset. I REFUSE to be a "victim" or a "survivor".
Nay, I am an OVERCOMER and triumphant, having waged war with the good and the evil that fluctuate around me from birth to death, and coming out the other side loving, warm, breathing, forgiving, and ever-optimistic. Looking for the inherent good in mankind.
If evil silences my song, extinguishes my light, muffles my hope? Then it wins.
I am determined to sing, to dance, to beam as a lighthouse beacon, and to roar with Purpose and passion and desire!!!
Do you ever listen to the background soundtrack in a TV show or movie? Not the highlighted songs where the hero and damsel dance under the stars while fireworks twinkle overhead. Rather the underlying mood-inducers.... the pulse, or tease, or race,, or throb,, or soothe,,, all stimulated by the sense of sound. Leading the way in expectation,,, setting the transition,,,, bursting into exhultation... pining for a loss...
I hear that on a day to day basis all around me. Everchanging. Always adapting. Moving to inner music, the outer influences, the chosen self-dialogue (yes, I answer myself too, lol).
If I am odd that I hear MUSIC in waking or sleeping moments? then let me stand out as EXTREMELY odd... I wouldn't trade my song for anything.
Nor will I let it be silenced, muted, or diminished.
In the oft-quoted wise words of Abraham Lincoln: "Whatever you are, be a good one."
So, Eric, what do you think about me now? Why do you like me above other drivers? It's not a relationship thing, in the usual man-woman way.... I am in your path to show you how to look up and out,, and past the darkness. If I was sent here to show you how to light the way for yourself? Then let me deliver that message.
Because, yes, friend, I do have bad days. Or portions of them anyway. It is how I conduct myself in trial or adversity, and how I treat others, and how I finish that will be the measure of this woman.
I take your observation as a compliment Also a solemn charge to continue being a light, a ray, to radiating love and joy,,,, for I AM being watched and therefore held accountable. To whom much is given, much is required.
It is my joy to serve, to give, to teach, to lead, to inspire, to encourage, to empathize, to have faith in my fellows.
May I never forget my Calling. One day, may I submit my own stubborn self-will fully and follow that passion that burns in my chest and mind. That lights my eyes with blazing sparkle and bounces my my step, when my body hurts like hell and is weary from this life. I am set apart, different, and I accept that. Live well inside of this charge to bless the world milling around me. I may be overlooked in matters of my own heart, passed by for relationship of my own... but I touch many lives, daily.
OH! To bring them relief and to help them find their way!!!!
And when I wonder why this life just goes on and on? Please, send me an Eric or Dora etc to say something that sounds superficial, but that rings true on the tuning fork in my innermost spirit and intricate working of my mind.
Let me remember why I am here. Why I have endured so much abuse. Why I have run the gamut of hurts. Why I have loved and lost.
Let me reach out with the Compassion, the Love, and the Lessons learned in the crucible of life.
Remind me, when the pain gets seemingly unbearable.... that someone is watching me, following my footsteps, observing my actions and path.
First, let me do no harm.
Please, let me REMEMBER.
Thankful for the reminder,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Well, certainly memory is a curious machine and strangely capricious. It has no order, it has no system, it has no notion of values, it is always throwing away gold and hoarding rubbish. Out of that dim old time I have recalled that swarm of wholly trifling facts with case and precision, yet to save my life I can't get back my mathematics. It vexes me, yet I am aware that everybody's memory is like that, and that therefore I have no right to complain.
- "Three Thousand Years among the Microbes"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The above quote was used in my favorite TV series. I watch archives online since I do not often have access to current programming. I enjoy this show and watch several episodes at once. I still believe that the Good Guys triumph :-) At least in Hollywood :-)
Even while relaxing, I am aware and with all my senses I am living today. Riding with and experiencing every feeling.
A few minutes ago, Eric, the lead mechanic told me that he can not ever see me having a bad day. How odd of a thing for someone to say. It rains on the just and the unjust alike. I explained that when dark times come, I just don't choose to stay there very long. I learn what I was brought to be endued with, and push to move through it, and on back into the light tantalizing just ahead.
If I made a list? There is a horrific and atrocious column of the depravity and black, sinful nature of mankind. Crimes I have committed, and many enacted out upon me.
Across from that list, is notations of the lessons I learned. The skills I picked up. The way I encouraged myself and outgrew the injustices.
It is a mindset. I REFUSE to be a "victim" or a "survivor".
Nay, I am an OVERCOMER and triumphant, having waged war with the good and the evil that fluctuate around me from birth to death, and coming out the other side loving, warm, breathing, forgiving, and ever-optimistic. Looking for the inherent good in mankind.
If evil silences my song, extinguishes my light, muffles my hope? Then it wins.
I am determined to sing, to dance, to beam as a lighthouse beacon, and to roar with Purpose and passion and desire!!!
Do you ever listen to the background soundtrack in a TV show or movie? Not the highlighted songs where the hero and damsel dance under the stars while fireworks twinkle overhead. Rather the underlying mood-inducers.... the pulse, or tease, or race,, or throb,, or soothe,,, all stimulated by the sense of sound. Leading the way in expectation,,, setting the transition,,,, bursting into exhultation... pining for a loss...
I hear that on a day to day basis all around me. Everchanging. Always adapting. Moving to inner music, the outer influences, the chosen self-dialogue (yes, I answer myself too, lol).
If I am odd that I hear MUSIC in waking or sleeping moments? then let me stand out as EXTREMELY odd... I wouldn't trade my song for anything.
Nor will I let it be silenced, muted, or diminished.
In the oft-quoted wise words of Abraham Lincoln: "Whatever you are, be a good one."
So, Eric, what do you think about me now? Why do you like me above other drivers? It's not a relationship thing, in the usual man-woman way.... I am in your path to show you how to look up and out,, and past the darkness. If I was sent here to show you how to light the way for yourself? Then let me deliver that message.
Because, yes, friend, I do have bad days. Or portions of them anyway. It is how I conduct myself in trial or adversity, and how I treat others, and how I finish that will be the measure of this woman.
I take your observation as a compliment Also a solemn charge to continue being a light, a ray, to radiating love and joy,,,, for I AM being watched and therefore held accountable. To whom much is given, much is required.
It is my joy to serve, to give, to teach, to lead, to inspire, to encourage, to empathize, to have faith in my fellows.
May I never forget my Calling. One day, may I submit my own stubborn self-will fully and follow that passion that burns in my chest and mind. That lights my eyes with blazing sparkle and bounces my my step, when my body hurts like hell and is weary from this life. I am set apart, different, and I accept that. Live well inside of this charge to bless the world milling around me. I may be overlooked in matters of my own heart, passed by for relationship of my own... but I touch many lives, daily.
OH! To bring them relief and to help them find their way!!!!
And when I wonder why this life just goes on and on? Please, send me an Eric or Dora etc to say something that sounds superficial, but that rings true on the tuning fork in my innermost spirit and intricate working of my mind.
Let me remember why I am here. Why I have endured so much abuse. Why I have run the gamut of hurts. Why I have loved and lost.
Let me reach out with the Compassion, the Love, and the Lessons learned in the crucible of life.
Remind me, when the pain gets seemingly unbearable.... that someone is watching me, following my footsteps, observing my actions and path.
First, let me do no harm.
Please, let me REMEMBER.
Thankful for the reminder,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Well, certainly memory is a curious machine and strangely capricious. It has no order, it has no system, it has no notion of values, it is always throwing away gold and hoarding rubbish. Out of that dim old time I have recalled that swarm of wholly trifling facts with case and precision, yet to save my life I can't get back my mathematics. It vexes me, yet I am aware that everybody's memory is like that, and that therefore I have no right to complain.
- "Three Thousand Years among the Microbes"
Pig Pen, This Here's The Rubber Duck.....
...... looks like we've got us a CONVOY!
LOL!! With a maiden name like HOOPER?? It was destiny to be a truck driver, LOL. Growing up in the years of Smokey and the Bandit, BJ and the Bear, Any Which Way You Can...the gamut ran from Burt Reynolds, Kris Kristofferson, Chuck Norris, Clint Eastwood, Greg whats-his-name, to my personal favorite and childhood crush, Jerry Reed.
As a teenager, I entered a short story writing contest. The Grand Prize? To be one of 3 contestants selected to go up onstage and read our story aloud during the JERRY REED concert at the annual Winter Haven Citrus Festival!!! A buddy and I both had that honor and I will never wash my hand again after shaking his, LOL.
Besides his rockabilly music, good looks and mild rebellious streak, I thought he was THE COOLEST because he wore his socks EVERYWHERE,,, even outside! As a good fan would, I imitated him. This was back in the days of gym shorts with the white stripe down the side and those hideous knee high tube socks with the ghastly colored rings.
My Mom protested, of course! I was 12-14 years old. A tomboy then as now. I was still climbing trees, playing baseball on league and sandlot, riding bikes, swimming in the lake all summer, etc. She put a 5 gallon bucket near the bath tub, and I was required to soak and scrub my filthy socks.
My mom carried a CB radio and a loaded 357 in the dash compartment of that old Plymouth. Dad had a loaded shotgun at the front door, and was known to pick up a 2x4 or whatever lay at hand to finish a job if he felt like it. Whipped by belt, shoe, hairbrush, orange tree limb, whatever either parent could grab, we learned to stand still, not jump and DON'T PUT YOUR HAND BACK THERE or it will get smacked too!
A Daddy's girl, side by side, I "helped" as I wrenched on cars and trucks under the shade of the old oak tree, rebuilt carbuerators, adjusted brakes, changed tires, spark plugs, and oil. With my own set of hand tools, I sawed, hammered, screwed, soldered, welded and created something out of nothing with wood, glass, metal and whatever lay around that could be made into SOMETHING cool.
Oh, the memories! Diet consisted of baloney sandwhiches, and if it was a good week? PBJ with honey. A latchkey kid from 4 years old, I pretty much concocted what I wanted to ,, and if it didn't turn out to taste? I was 4 years older than my brother, and I insisted that "Mikey would eat anything"... lol!!!! Sorry about that one time I hollowed out a fresh ground HB patty and filled it with paprika. Hey, Bro! You survived! LOL XOXO
Want a soda or candy bar??? Go newspaper box, to box,,, soda machine to soda machine,,, pushing the coin return button. Gather up nickel by dime, then go hunt up a glass returnable RC bottle to save on the deposit.
Family reunions were 100's of people I knew, because I saw them EVERY year whether I wanted to or not! And the covered dish, potluck extravaganza FEAST was spread out on sawhorse plank tables. If we remembered? A sheet was draped across it to keep out the flies. NO refrigeration on all that potatoe salad and cole slaw with the mayonaaise! We churned our own ice cream, and added peaches from the tree that we plucked for ourselves. Toss in a few pecans after cleaning the bitter crumbs out of the creases, and it was heaven on earth!
Horseshoe tossing competitions, horse and buggy rides, quilting, reading paperback Zane Grey and Louie Lamour Westerns, hide and seek, and freeze tag were the planned activities, while the elders laughed, guffawed, yarned and spit their tobacky juice into the dirt or if they were sophisticated, into a Green Giant niblet corn can.
In Alabama, if you got mad at one cousin, just go a few feet, there many more to link arms with and be best buds for a day. Don't make mom, aunt, uncle, or Papa mad. If you do? Go get your own peach switch straight from the tree. Or worse??? Go to bed, and miss out on all the fun. If I got sent to my room back in Florida??? The greatest punishment of all was to have to sit crosslegged on my bed, NO BOOKS!! I would have rather taken one of those awful brutal whippings, than not be allowed to read or write :(
My Alabama aunt and uncle took me to the old timey, hellfire and brimstone Church of God in Gardendale, AL and EVERYONE sang up on the platform in the choir. I learned to read at age 4 by following along in the old dog-eared hymn books to "Just A Little Talk With Jesus (makes it right)".
Then my Florida aunt and uncle, the ones that did the majority of "raising me" took me, took me to the brush arbor church, Holiness Church Of Ollie Road, in (Galloway) Lakeland. This had sawdust floors, wooden pews, spiders,and hand -held, paper fans you moved yourself. The menfolk came to service straight from work still wearing their overalls and flannel shirts.They would shake hands in the parking lot, get to talking about "the goodness of our LORD this week", and begin to dance and shout right there, before the music and preaching ever began!
So yes, it seems like life was hard, when you look back on THEN versus the amenities of NOW. But, it was predictable. And very genuine. Very surrounding. Very immersive.
Simple. Tactile. If not outwardly loving? Then at least it was familiar and available.
Wind the tape forward. Crank the reel to reel. Punch the button to change tracks on the 8 track. Find a new groove on the LP. Adjust the rabbit ears. Twist that AM/FM analog dial on the transitor radio. Flip the pages of the book!
Here I am today. Another of my FL aunt and uncle teamed up as OTR. My Lakeland cousin drove semis for years until drugs and wasted life stripped him of his health and dignity. My own younger brother? Outgrew me by a foot, and has been OTR for 15 years already.
Say, PigPen, this here's the Rubber Duck! Looks like we've got us a CONVOY!
The intention for today??? Still in Jacksonville, basically getting shafted and not making any miles, money, or stretching my work legs? Fully, I am determining in the course of this letter my path for the rest of today.
Some days? We are the bug. Some days we are the windshield. Which one do you choose?
TODAY I AM GOING TO BE THE WINDSHIELD!!!!
God bless, and off we go, to make it a good day, or the best of what it is, as it comes!
Have a great one!
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
LOL!! With a maiden name like HOOPER?? It was destiny to be a truck driver, LOL. Growing up in the years of Smokey and the Bandit, BJ and the Bear, Any Which Way You Can...the gamut ran from Burt Reynolds, Kris Kristofferson, Chuck Norris, Clint Eastwood, Greg whats-his-name, to my personal favorite and childhood crush, Jerry Reed.
As a teenager, I entered a short story writing contest. The Grand Prize? To be one of 3 contestants selected to go up onstage and read our story aloud during the JERRY REED concert at the annual Winter Haven Citrus Festival!!! A buddy and I both had that honor and I will never wash my hand again after shaking his, LOL.
Besides his rockabilly music, good looks and mild rebellious streak, I thought he was THE COOLEST because he wore his socks EVERYWHERE,,, even outside! As a good fan would, I imitated him. This was back in the days of gym shorts with the white stripe down the side and those hideous knee high tube socks with the ghastly colored rings.
My Mom protested, of course! I was 12-14 years old. A tomboy then as now. I was still climbing trees, playing baseball on league and sandlot, riding bikes, swimming in the lake all summer, etc. She put a 5 gallon bucket near the bath tub, and I was required to soak and scrub my filthy socks.
My mom carried a CB radio and a loaded 357 in the dash compartment of that old Plymouth. Dad had a loaded shotgun at the front door, and was known to pick up a 2x4 or whatever lay at hand to finish a job if he felt like it. Whipped by belt, shoe, hairbrush, orange tree limb, whatever either parent could grab, we learned to stand still, not jump and DON'T PUT YOUR HAND BACK THERE or it will get smacked too!
A Daddy's girl, side by side, I "helped" as I wrenched on cars and trucks under the shade of the old oak tree, rebuilt carbuerators, adjusted brakes, changed tires, spark plugs, and oil. With my own set of hand tools, I sawed, hammered, screwed, soldered, welded and created something out of nothing with wood, glass, metal and whatever lay around that could be made into SOMETHING cool.
Oh, the memories! Diet consisted of baloney sandwhiches, and if it was a good week? PBJ with honey. A latchkey kid from 4 years old, I pretty much concocted what I wanted to ,, and if it didn't turn out to taste? I was 4 years older than my brother, and I insisted that "Mikey would eat anything"... lol!!!! Sorry about that one time I hollowed out a fresh ground HB patty and filled it with paprika. Hey, Bro! You survived! LOL XOXO
Want a soda or candy bar??? Go newspaper box, to box,,, soda machine to soda machine,,, pushing the coin return button. Gather up nickel by dime, then go hunt up a glass returnable RC bottle to save on the deposit.
Family reunions were 100's of people I knew, because I saw them EVERY year whether I wanted to or not! And the covered dish, potluck extravaganza FEAST was spread out on sawhorse plank tables. If we remembered? A sheet was draped across it to keep out the flies. NO refrigeration on all that potatoe salad and cole slaw with the mayonaaise! We churned our own ice cream, and added peaches from the tree that we plucked for ourselves. Toss in a few pecans after cleaning the bitter crumbs out of the creases, and it was heaven on earth!
Horseshoe tossing competitions, horse and buggy rides, quilting, reading paperback Zane Grey and Louie Lamour Westerns, hide and seek, and freeze tag were the planned activities, while the elders laughed, guffawed, yarned and spit their tobacky juice into the dirt or if they were sophisticated, into a Green Giant niblet corn can.
In Alabama, if you got mad at one cousin, just go a few feet, there many more to link arms with and be best buds for a day. Don't make mom, aunt, uncle, or Papa mad. If you do? Go get your own peach switch straight from the tree. Or worse??? Go to bed, and miss out on all the fun. If I got sent to my room back in Florida??? The greatest punishment of all was to have to sit crosslegged on my bed, NO BOOKS!! I would have rather taken one of those awful brutal whippings, than not be allowed to read or write :(
My Alabama aunt and uncle took me to the old timey, hellfire and brimstone Church of God in Gardendale, AL and EVERYONE sang up on the platform in the choir. I learned to read at age 4 by following along in the old dog-eared hymn books to "Just A Little Talk With Jesus (makes it right)".
Then my Florida aunt and uncle, the ones that did the majority of "raising me" took me, took me to the brush arbor church, Holiness Church Of Ollie Road, in (Galloway) Lakeland. This had sawdust floors, wooden pews, spiders,and hand -held, paper fans you moved yourself. The menfolk came to service straight from work still wearing their overalls and flannel shirts.They would shake hands in the parking lot, get to talking about "the goodness of our LORD this week", and begin to dance and shout right there, before the music and preaching ever began!
So yes, it seems like life was hard, when you look back on THEN versus the amenities of NOW. But, it was predictable. And very genuine. Very surrounding. Very immersive.
Simple. Tactile. If not outwardly loving? Then at least it was familiar and available.
Wind the tape forward. Crank the reel to reel. Punch the button to change tracks on the 8 track. Find a new groove on the LP. Adjust the rabbit ears. Twist that AM/FM analog dial on the transitor radio. Flip the pages of the book!
Here I am today. Another of my FL aunt and uncle teamed up as OTR. My Lakeland cousin drove semis for years until drugs and wasted life stripped him of his health and dignity. My own younger brother? Outgrew me by a foot, and has been OTR for 15 years already.
Say, PigPen, this here's the Rubber Duck! Looks like we've got us a CONVOY!
The intention for today??? Still in Jacksonville, basically getting shafted and not making any miles, money, or stretching my work legs? Fully, I am determining in the course of this letter my path for the rest of today.
Some days? We are the bug. Some days we are the windshield. Which one do you choose?
TODAY I AM GOING TO BE THE WINDSHIELD!!!!
God bless, and off we go, to make it a good day, or the best of what it is, as it comes!
Have a great one!
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
A Talk With An Old Friend Is Like A Cup Of Hot Herbal Tea
Loving means losing,,, letting go... I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance. Tonight, I choose to reflect the BEAUTY in a love, long ago with a girl that today holds my heart and soul.
Is Life spinning faster and faster and faster,,, out of control?
Only the days of the week containing "-day".What a day! From my notes earlier and my waking moments, I hit the ground running full tilt. This seeming pandemonium challenged me emotionally, physically,spiritually, and had me tumbling like clothes in a large capacity dryer! Heat was ON!
Here it is, 10:35pm and I am still in Jacksonville. My truck repair was done at 5:30pm. I was sent a preplan load assignment. The miles weren't great, but so far I have a big fat goose egg. Miles are turned in on Fridays, paid out the next week. I expected to roll upon my return from Colorado at 10pm last night. I had communicated my travel itinerary, and updated my driver manager all day. True, I appreciated the sleep, then woke ready to roll. The truck broke down.
So anyway, at 5:30pm, Tuesday, was instructed to go get an empty trailer off the Yard, then they would assign me the load. No empties. I sent in a QualCom, and went to get dinner. Fully expecting them to send me bobtail to the pickup. No reply. An hour... no message. Finally I call Iowa, to find out, they double booked that load. Another driver is now headed to Lakeland.
Went back to the Yard, showered, laundry.. just a bit relieved and miffed. I've been at this life long enough to say "trucking is trucking". Also, walked with God enough in a Journey of FAITH to say, "You know what, God? I don't know what you are protecting me from? I don't know what you see? I don't know what it is that you have for me that is BETTER than the load that just slipped away? But I accept all of your BEST for me. Carry on, Sir!"
I got some news today. I am not comfortable... no that isn't strong enough.... I am downright angry in LIFE to always have to be the one PROTECTING.... when no one has ever stepped up to ward evil from hurting me. I am always looking out for others. That Golden Rule thing??? I practice it outwardly to others all the time. Rarely do I get the return on it... even then, often it isn't to whom I extended it, instead maybe I receive good from a different source. WHATEVER!
Also, WHY is it my job to tell others, esp if the news is able to be perceived Good or Bad, depending on the hearer and the angle? Why make me the bad guy?
Especially where that odd group of individuals aka "family" is concerned??? I really just want to ,,, please them,,, love them,, be loved by them,,, but I am weary,,,, that's a good word for it. I am weary of being the messenger, the go-between, the ambassador. ALways falling short....
Don't get me wrong, PLEASE! I am NOT weary in well-doing! And I have this gift/curse of being able to love, forgive, love even more to anyone,,,, but,, that gets me trampled on too.
That flash of anger?? Left me depleted,, uncomfortable and full of guilt and regret. I didn't linger in the ANGER,,, but it coursed through me as real and hot as blood and breath itself. I had to ride it out,,, feeling nauseous and scared of losing control of my emotions the entire time.
After that while of loss and bitter desperate rage?? I sagged, weak and alone.
Then,, I felt the lift,,,the shifting,,, I cannot change what made me angry,,, but I CAN CONTROL MY REACTIONS..... I began to see the good and positive and the hope for the near and distant future.. to give it all over to God and trust HIM in THIS TOO... He is the same God that he was all day,,, now,,, and tomorrow.... to let go,,, and feel it,, then,,, shift,,,
At first, noticing I am still,,, like some pathetic loser, still reaching out. As that passes, I open up yet again,, let that move out and away,, and I find I am still grateful. I am still blessed. I am still loving.
I was headed down a wrong and lonely road tonight. When, after my shower, I felt the urge to text message an old friend and ask if she was still up? Could we talk? It was 9:40pm, both of us on Eastern Time Zone.
(AND NO NO NO!!! THIS IS *NOT* my "best friend" from high school,,, PRECISELY one of my sources of anger,, she has cut me out and away so soundly,, I CAN'T go to her,, I don't know what I did to make her turn away??? Rejected and still hurting,,,and I MISS HER!!!ahhhh)
Now, I don't like the phone, since my stroke. My thought to speech is impaired and I stutter. I am half-bright, but one would not know that on the phone. In person, I concentrate, and follow a person's conversation in an adaptive way, similar to reading lips,, and expression, and their posture, movements, etc. It helps me keep my thoughts forming into words, and I appear the intelligent girl that I am. So, to ask my friend to talk on the phone??? Is a SINCERE gift of my trust in her, that she will be patient, loving, and gentle with me and my infirmities.
53 minutes later,,, I close the call and feel so limp. So loved. So relieved. So warm inside my gut and my heart. I am wrung out, but the dirty, smelly attitude that had bubbled inside of me as my day went downhill on a bobsled, is aired, sanitized, and on its way to proper and full healing. She is not a friend from church, which is unusual when you consider THAT type of "therapy" coming from a mere phone call.
No, Terry is the one (and only) girl that I have let myself "LOVE" in the moment we were together, and have relationship with.... and have maintained a 22 yr bond with. Definitely NOT a church thing. I can't admit that to them, to them it is cut and dried. Black and white. What we share is an entire pallet painting a Thomas Kincaide of life, love, connection, and unity. Not a church thing at all. No box here, my friend.
Trying to think back? It had to be 1987 or 1988,, so I was 19 or 20? Terry was 23,, somehow, I remember that detail clearly. Our husbands were Army during Desert Storm and we were stationed in Ft. Polk, LA. Dependants either sat home and made themselves fat and miserable eating ice cream and potatoe chips whining about separation from mommy and hubby,,,, or they got out, and joined the support activities on the Base?
Terry and I met at a Tang Soo Do class on Post at the gym. She was ahead of me in class by 2 belts. But it was love at first sight for each of us. I BELIEVE ,,, because it DID HAPPEN to me!! Within a class session or two, we became work out partners. We would arrive early, and sitting on the gym floor, we would stretch each other out.
We FIT PERFECTLY!! Oh,, it tugs my heart,,, fills it with so much light and love,, remembering how we NESTLED and FIT like hand in a glove. We didn't have "training" so we did exercises we made up. Soles of our feet touching, matching, we reached across our outstretched legs, took the other by the hand, and alternating pulling until the stretch in our legs hurt,, then pulling a wee bit more,,
To help us hold the stretch? We looked into each other's eyes,,, and wordlessly, assured "YOU CAN DO THIS". We stretched and challenged many areas of our bodies, then the class kicked our rear, until we learned to block, and kick back :-) We practiced FORMS (kata) relentlessly,, in class, then again just the two of us in our own private ballet on the mats,, then again at our homes. With this practice we excelled in Tang SooDo, belt after belt we rose up the ranks!
Poetry.... the ONE and only time I have ever felt GRACEFUL or IN TUNE with another human being... makes me ache, remembering this time in my life. I yearn for that CONNECTEDNESS with another.
We were blonde and coal. I guess I was supposed to say the cliche Ebony and Ivory? She is a fast talking, sassy Yankee from Rhode Island. Moody, and volatile, funny, and loving, loyal to the death. The Life of the Party, Terry had clear WHITE skin, and JET BLACK CURLY short hair. (not what I am normally attracted to in a guy or a girl!!! hmmmmm....)
I am a Longhorn Cracker, as Southern as one can get...my Heinz 57 drawl is so slooooow and thoughtful.....I had straight, blonde hair past my butt with the same flybacks that I had in junior and senior high school. Tan and athletic, vibrant and extremely, painfully, excrutiatingly backwards, awkward, and socially a nerd in EVERY WAY. (just like school, ugh, LOL)
We were the exact height and weight,, to the inch and ounce. We drew on each other's strengths and bolstered our weaknesses.
Our young families began to also be inseparable. Terry and Ed had 4 yr old Jessica and 2 year old Kellie. Ole and I had 2 year old Angel and were off the Pill, trying to get pregnant (Alisha). Ole was much older than any of us.
I point that out, because we were all young. Not innocent. But we WERE naive. We were curious. We did some,,,,, very OPEN things..... Ed was one to go to bed at 9pm..... I can't tell you how many times Ole, Terry, and I sat up playing Spades ,,, or got sitters and went clubbing.... the 3 of us dancing in that unrestrained, half-drunk, carefree way of YOUTH.
One such night of Bacardi and cards, and we dreamed up switching partners.
That was,,, intriguing,,, to a backwoods, Pentecostal. LOLOLOL!!! That meant I had to go wake up Ed... poor guy,,, I ended up panicking,, and we sat and talked,, while the other 2 did,,, i don't wanna know what. I was actively trying to get pregnant with my husband,,, soooo I decided not to take the risk,,, thank God!
Sometime after this,, Terry and I went to class as always. This time,, I joined her in the shower.
That's all the details I'm giving,,, but,,, she will always be my first and only girl love. I do know,, ANYTHING is POSSIBLE , the Life LESSON I gleaned from this time.
Later, her and Ed divorced. She married a MUCH younger guy that rode a a crotch rocket and swooped her off her feet!! (by now it has been 4 years,,and mine and Ole's second daughter, Alisha is a 2 yr old!!!) When Shane ETS,,, Terry went with him. They have lived the last 2 decades in his hometown of Evansville, Indianna (close to Owensboro, KY).
That was the last time I saw Terry in person! I missed their wedding, That was 1990. During Oct-Dec 1990 I moved to Tallahasse to live with my best friend from high school. I worked 3 jobs and filed divorce from Ole at the recommendation of Army chaplains, civilian counsellors, hospital staff,,,, all of them sure he would end up killing me one day instead of landing me in the ER for yet another CAT scan!!!
My marriage "reconciled" in January 1991,,, we stayed friends with Terry and Shane,, raised all 4 girls as sisters/cousins..... until the day Desert Storm ended and soldiers were sent home. Terry and Shane moved to Indianna in 1992. Ole and I also left the military, going home to Central Florida with our small brood, Nov. 1992.
Two years ago,,, Terry found me on MySpace,,, then Facebook followed. We emailed a few times,,, then we talked on the phone. We have both moved on from that era in our lives.... and turned our back on that PURE LOVE and AFFECTION that we shared in our early years. We have each lived loving lives with other people. Our children are grown ups now,, much the same ages we were.
Terry and I talked about that tonight. When I confessed to her how my visit with Alisha went, and some of the things I have learned about my daughter,... when I finally got to VERBALIZE IT in such a SAFE HAVEN as in Terry's trust and open concern???
We talked about OUR LOVE and how our mothers would not have understood us either. We don't want certain things for OUR daughters.,,,, but can not judge them. We love them. Wish to guide them. Wish to shelter them even. In the end? We can just love them and BE THERE for them. The only true LANDING place our girls will have.
From IN to FL, she encouraged me, once again stretching me,, pulling until it hurts,, then proverbially this time,, looking into my eyes and holding the stretch, then pulling it a fraction more.. she asked me to write my book,, she reminded me,, of the gift I have with words and how I always moved her,,, she stretched me, entreated me to write the book, and share with others what she has already been privvy and close to.
Terry and I have each other. Then and now. And like a fine wine,,,, or a hot, carefully chosen and steeped herbal tea?? The ingredients a fine blend of soothing, healing, nurturing timeless remedy. She soothed my jangled nerves and raw pain,,, and loved me,, from 1,000's of miles away,, as only a LOVER could,.... intimately in TUNE WITH and AWARE of my every flex, every breath, every thing I WAS NOT saying,, as well as HEARING all that I DID SAY OUT LOUD.
She heard my heartbeat,,, much as we once reached out, skin to skin,,, and FELT the other's pulsing life.
Yes,,, that talk? Tamed my savage beast. And once again,, I am that young girl,,for a very first time,, and for a very short season, I am loved and secure, and in PASSIONATE belief that LIFE is still INHERENTLY GOOD and WORTHWHILE the LIVING!
She says it was 3:00am just this past morning,, she couldn't sleep... she had texted me,, ,, then ,,, thinking not to disturb my sleep, she deleted the message, leaving it unsent.
Rarely, am I asleep at 3:00am... I am ALWAYS awake at 03:30 am.... in intercessory prayer and spiritual warfare for my slumbering loved ones and friends and strangers unawares.
I wish she had clicked SEND,,, maybe tonight she will?
meanwhile,, the talking things out with my "SAFE" friend and love, Terry,,, and now here in free form on the blog?? I am beat emotionally. I still have to face my discomfort and my (received) news and my revelations regarding my Alisha,,, but perhaps,, if I sleep on it??? Meditate on it??? Pray over it??
Above all else??? LOVE on it????
There is light,,, there is love,, there is peace... there is contentment,,,, there is HOPE....
Drifting to sleep, spent, but warm of heart and soul,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Here it is, 10:35pm and I am still in Jacksonville. My truck repair was done at 5:30pm. I was sent a preplan load assignment. The miles weren't great, but so far I have a big fat goose egg. Miles are turned in on Fridays, paid out the next week. I expected to roll upon my return from Colorado at 10pm last night. I had communicated my travel itinerary, and updated my driver manager all day. True, I appreciated the sleep, then woke ready to roll. The truck broke down.
So anyway, at 5:30pm, Tuesday, was instructed to go get an empty trailer off the Yard, then they would assign me the load. No empties. I sent in a QualCom, and went to get dinner. Fully expecting them to send me bobtail to the pickup. No reply. An hour... no message. Finally I call Iowa, to find out, they double booked that load. Another driver is now headed to Lakeland.
Went back to the Yard, showered, laundry.. just a bit relieved and miffed. I've been at this life long enough to say "trucking is trucking". Also, walked with God enough in a Journey of FAITH to say, "You know what, God? I don't know what you are protecting me from? I don't know what you see? I don't know what it is that you have for me that is BETTER than the load that just slipped away? But I accept all of your BEST for me. Carry on, Sir!"
I got some news today. I am not comfortable... no that isn't strong enough.... I am downright angry in LIFE to always have to be the one PROTECTING.... when no one has ever stepped up to ward evil from hurting me. I am always looking out for others. That Golden Rule thing??? I practice it outwardly to others all the time. Rarely do I get the return on it... even then, often it isn't to whom I extended it, instead maybe I receive good from a different source. WHATEVER!
Also, WHY is it my job to tell others, esp if the news is able to be perceived Good or Bad, depending on the hearer and the angle? Why make me the bad guy?
Especially where that odd group of individuals aka "family" is concerned??? I really just want to ,,, please them,,, love them,, be loved by them,,, but I am weary,,,, that's a good word for it. I am weary of being the messenger, the go-between, the ambassador. ALways falling short....
Don't get me wrong, PLEASE! I am NOT weary in well-doing! And I have this gift/curse of being able to love, forgive, love even more to anyone,,,, but,, that gets me trampled on too.
That flash of anger?? Left me depleted,, uncomfortable and full of guilt and regret. I didn't linger in the ANGER,,, but it coursed through me as real and hot as blood and breath itself. I had to ride it out,,, feeling nauseous and scared of losing control of my emotions the entire time.
After that while of loss and bitter desperate rage?? I sagged, weak and alone.
Then,, I felt the lift,,,the shifting,,, I cannot change what made me angry,,, but I CAN CONTROL MY REACTIONS..... I began to see the good and positive and the hope for the near and distant future.. to give it all over to God and trust HIM in THIS TOO... He is the same God that he was all day,,, now,,, and tomorrow.... to let go,,, and feel it,, then,,, shift,,,
At first, noticing I am still,,, like some pathetic loser, still reaching out. As that passes, I open up yet again,, let that move out and away,, and I find I am still grateful. I am still blessed. I am still loving.
I was headed down a wrong and lonely road tonight. When, after my shower, I felt the urge to text message an old friend and ask if she was still up? Could we talk? It was 9:40pm, both of us on Eastern Time Zone.
(AND NO NO NO!!! THIS IS *NOT* my "best friend" from high school,,, PRECISELY one of my sources of anger,, she has cut me out and away so soundly,, I CAN'T go to her,, I don't know what I did to make her turn away??? Rejected and still hurting,,,and I MISS HER!!!ahhhh)
Now, I don't like the phone, since my stroke. My thought to speech is impaired and I stutter. I am half-bright, but one would not know that on the phone. In person, I concentrate, and follow a person's conversation in an adaptive way, similar to reading lips,, and expression, and their posture, movements, etc. It helps me keep my thoughts forming into words, and I appear the intelligent girl that I am. So, to ask my friend to talk on the phone??? Is a SINCERE gift of my trust in her, that she will be patient, loving, and gentle with me and my infirmities.
53 minutes later,,, I close the call and feel so limp. So loved. So relieved. So warm inside my gut and my heart. I am wrung out, but the dirty, smelly attitude that had bubbled inside of me as my day went downhill on a bobsled, is aired, sanitized, and on its way to proper and full healing. She is not a friend from church, which is unusual when you consider THAT type of "therapy" coming from a mere phone call.
No, Terry is the one (and only) girl that I have let myself "LOVE" in the moment we were together, and have relationship with.... and have maintained a 22 yr bond with. Definitely NOT a church thing. I can't admit that to them, to them it is cut and dried. Black and white. What we share is an entire pallet painting a Thomas Kincaide of life, love, connection, and unity. Not a church thing at all. No box here, my friend.
Trying to think back? It had to be 1987 or 1988,, so I was 19 or 20? Terry was 23,, somehow, I remember that detail clearly. Our husbands were Army during Desert Storm and we were stationed in Ft. Polk, LA. Dependants either sat home and made themselves fat and miserable eating ice cream and potatoe chips whining about separation from mommy and hubby,,,, or they got out, and joined the support activities on the Base?
Terry and I met at a Tang Soo Do class on Post at the gym. She was ahead of me in class by 2 belts. But it was love at first sight for each of us. I BELIEVE ,,, because it DID HAPPEN to me!! Within a class session or two, we became work out partners. We would arrive early, and sitting on the gym floor, we would stretch each other out.
We FIT PERFECTLY!! Oh,, it tugs my heart,,, fills it with so much light and love,, remembering how we NESTLED and FIT like hand in a glove. We didn't have "training" so we did exercises we made up. Soles of our feet touching, matching, we reached across our outstretched legs, took the other by the hand, and alternating pulling until the stretch in our legs hurt,, then pulling a wee bit more,,
To help us hold the stretch? We looked into each other's eyes,,, and wordlessly, assured "YOU CAN DO THIS". We stretched and challenged many areas of our bodies, then the class kicked our rear, until we learned to block, and kick back :-) We practiced FORMS (kata) relentlessly,, in class, then again just the two of us in our own private ballet on the mats,, then again at our homes. With this practice we excelled in Tang SooDo, belt after belt we rose up the ranks!
Poetry.... the ONE and only time I have ever felt GRACEFUL or IN TUNE with another human being... makes me ache, remembering this time in my life. I yearn for that CONNECTEDNESS with another.
We were blonde and coal. I guess I was supposed to say the cliche Ebony and Ivory? She is a fast talking, sassy Yankee from Rhode Island. Moody, and volatile, funny, and loving, loyal to the death. The Life of the Party, Terry had clear WHITE skin, and JET BLACK CURLY short hair. (not what I am normally attracted to in a guy or a girl!!! hmmmmm....)
I am a Longhorn Cracker, as Southern as one can get...my Heinz 57 drawl is so slooooow and thoughtful.....I had straight, blonde hair past my butt with the same flybacks that I had in junior and senior high school. Tan and athletic, vibrant and extremely, painfully, excrutiatingly backwards, awkward, and socially a nerd in EVERY WAY. (just like school, ugh, LOL)
We were the exact height and weight,, to the inch and ounce. We drew on each other's strengths and bolstered our weaknesses.
Our young families began to also be inseparable. Terry and Ed had 4 yr old Jessica and 2 year old Kellie. Ole and I had 2 year old Angel and were off the Pill, trying to get pregnant (Alisha). Ole was much older than any of us.
I point that out, because we were all young. Not innocent. But we WERE naive. We were curious. We did some,,,,, very OPEN things..... Ed was one to go to bed at 9pm..... I can't tell you how many times Ole, Terry, and I sat up playing Spades ,,, or got sitters and went clubbing.... the 3 of us dancing in that unrestrained, half-drunk, carefree way of YOUTH.
One such night of Bacardi and cards, and we dreamed up switching partners.
That was,,, intriguing,,, to a backwoods, Pentecostal. LOLOLOL!!! That meant I had to go wake up Ed... poor guy,,, I ended up panicking,, and we sat and talked,, while the other 2 did,,, i don't wanna know what. I was actively trying to get pregnant with my husband,,, soooo I decided not to take the risk,,, thank God!
Sometime after this,, Terry and I went to class as always. This time,, I joined her in the shower.
That's all the details I'm giving,,, but,,, she will always be my first and only girl love. I do know,, ANYTHING is POSSIBLE , the Life LESSON I gleaned from this time.
Later, her and Ed divorced. She married a MUCH younger guy that rode a a crotch rocket and swooped her off her feet!! (by now it has been 4 years,,and mine and Ole's second daughter, Alisha is a 2 yr old!!!) When Shane ETS,,, Terry went with him. They have lived the last 2 decades in his hometown of Evansville, Indianna (close to Owensboro, KY).
That was the last time I saw Terry in person! I missed their wedding, That was 1990. During Oct-Dec 1990 I moved to Tallahasse to live with my best friend from high school. I worked 3 jobs and filed divorce from Ole at the recommendation of Army chaplains, civilian counsellors, hospital staff,,,, all of them sure he would end up killing me one day instead of landing me in the ER for yet another CAT scan!!!
My marriage "reconciled" in January 1991,,, we stayed friends with Terry and Shane,, raised all 4 girls as sisters/cousins..... until the day Desert Storm ended and soldiers were sent home. Terry and Shane moved to Indianna in 1992. Ole and I also left the military, going home to Central Florida with our small brood, Nov. 1992.
Two years ago,,, Terry found me on MySpace,,, then Facebook followed. We emailed a few times,,, then we talked on the phone. We have both moved on from that era in our lives.... and turned our back on that PURE LOVE and AFFECTION that we shared in our early years. We have each lived loving lives with other people. Our children are grown ups now,, much the same ages we were.
Terry and I talked about that tonight. When I confessed to her how my visit with Alisha went, and some of the things I have learned about my daughter,... when I finally got to VERBALIZE IT in such a SAFE HAVEN as in Terry's trust and open concern???
We talked about OUR LOVE and how our mothers would not have understood us either. We don't want certain things for OUR daughters.,,,, but can not judge them. We love them. Wish to guide them. Wish to shelter them even. In the end? We can just love them and BE THERE for them. The only true LANDING place our girls will have.
From IN to FL, she encouraged me, once again stretching me,, pulling until it hurts,, then proverbially this time,, looking into my eyes and holding the stretch, then pulling it a fraction more.. she asked me to write my book,, she reminded me,, of the gift I have with words and how I always moved her,,, she stretched me, entreated me to write the book, and share with others what she has already been privvy and close to.
Terry and I have each other. Then and now. And like a fine wine,,,, or a hot, carefully chosen and steeped herbal tea?? The ingredients a fine blend of soothing, healing, nurturing timeless remedy. She soothed my jangled nerves and raw pain,,, and loved me,, from 1,000's of miles away,, as only a LOVER could,.... intimately in TUNE WITH and AWARE of my every flex, every breath, every thing I WAS NOT saying,, as well as HEARING all that I DID SAY OUT LOUD.
She heard my heartbeat,,, much as we once reached out, skin to skin,,, and FELT the other's pulsing life.
Yes,,, that talk? Tamed my savage beast. And once again,, I am that young girl,,for a very first time,, and for a very short season, I am loved and secure, and in PASSIONATE belief that LIFE is still INHERENTLY GOOD and WORTHWHILE the LIVING!
She says it was 3:00am just this past morning,, she couldn't sleep... she had texted me,, ,, then ,,, thinking not to disturb my sleep, she deleted the message, leaving it unsent.
Rarely, am I asleep at 3:00am... I am ALWAYS awake at 03:30 am.... in intercessory prayer and spiritual warfare for my slumbering loved ones and friends and strangers unawares.
I wish she had clicked SEND,,, maybe tonight she will?
meanwhile,, the talking things out with my "SAFE" friend and love, Terry,,, and now here in free form on the blog?? I am beat emotionally. I still have to face my discomfort and my (received) news and my revelations regarding my Alisha,,, but perhaps,, if I sleep on it??? Meditate on it??? Pray over it??
Above all else??? LOVE on it????
There is light,,, there is love,, there is peace... there is contentment,,,, there is HOPE....
Drifting to sleep, spent, but warm of heart and soul,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Ut- oh :-/
sigh.... I had given up caffeine months ago,,, and about 2 months ago, even gave up the sugary drinks I had substituted....
Regularly drink one complete gallon jug of water, almost one a day. Been doing that for years!
However, first it snuck back in on me with the sickness and 24/7 queasiness and fatigue from my injections. A few glasses of sweet tea settles the tummy. And as my personal Sweet Southern Comfort food/drink? Ahhh.....
Now the loss of my friend last week?
I picked sweet tea back up in earnest. Instead of a once in a while falter?
It's become a full-fledged open fountain.
Damn!
C'mon! Get a grip!
All that work of mind and getting over the headaches? Less ups and downs with sugar rushes...
to fall off the wagon?
Well, grrrrrrrroooowwwwWWWLL !!!!!!
=(
Regularly drink one complete gallon jug of water, almost one a day. Been doing that for years!
However, first it snuck back in on me with the sickness and 24/7 queasiness and fatigue from my injections. A few glasses of sweet tea settles the tummy. And as my personal Sweet Southern Comfort food/drink? Ahhh.....
Now the loss of my friend last week?
I picked sweet tea back up in earnest. Instead of a once in a while falter?
It's become a full-fledged open fountain.
Damn!
C'mon! Get a grip!
All that work of mind and getting over the headaches? Less ups and downs with sugar rushes...
to fall off the wagon?
Well, grrrrrrrroooowwwwWWWLL !!!!!!
=(
Odd Noun To Find Gratitude
Ready to return to work on Tuesday, after an amazing vacation. The battery pack in my heart and mind and soul is recharged and in peak, optimum operating condition.
Okay, so I wake from a dozing dreamy state....had to lie there a few minutes. Simultaneously my two first conscious thoughts occur:
1) I am so at peace, so blessed, so loved, so loving.
2) There is a smell - - - something is wrong....get dressed, Jan, there is an electrical fire somewhere in or on this truck!!!!!
SUDDENLY all drowsy, drifting thoughts aside, I bolted upright. Obeying my instinct, I dressed in record time, funny what adrenaline does? I even brushed my teeth. Hah! Can't burn up with morning breath!
Began in the bunk, unplugging fridge, laptop charger, etc. Nope, not hot. Open curtain -Got to front of cab, was assailed with the odor of metallic, clutch burning,,,OMG! Reminded me of the old racecar kits I played wiith as a kid!! That acrid, metal contact aroma...multiplied a million times!
Open the hood of my tractor, sure enough, a/c clutch on compressor is bound, smoking, almost in flames!!
What am I grateful for now?!?! All 5 of my senses! All of my instincts! All of my past experience, for it allowed me to recognize exactly WHAT the smell of danger was!
People - the mechanics I will be employing today, putting food on their family's table. Places- I am still on the Jacksonville Terminal Yard after my vacation to CO. Waiting for 0800 so I could call dispatch for a load assignment and fresh work. Things- air conditioning in humid, blue sky Florida.
Thankful for my dreams. The ones I lay there in the bunk musing before coming awake to quasi-crisis, the ones that propel me through this day, right now, and the driving force spurring me to inspiration towards a very bright and dynamic future.
My work? This is a setback. Truck has to go to International dealership. Translates to unable to go back to work after my vacation. I am not hurting financially. But I am rested, ready to go back to work. One never knows when they need money for today, tomorrow is near. I want to stay set up okay to be able to give freely when impressed to do so.
My future? In God's hands. He has today planned. It's best if I just roll along with no thought of raiment or provision. HE is more than able. All sufficient.
So yes, I am in a state of Grateful.
Counting my blessings,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~ sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone
Okay, so I wake from a dozing dreamy state....had to lie there a few minutes. Simultaneously my two first conscious thoughts occur:
1) I am so at peace, so blessed, so loved, so loving.
2) There is a smell - - - something is wrong....get dressed, Jan, there is an electrical fire somewhere in or on this truck!!!!!
SUDDENLY all drowsy, drifting thoughts aside, I bolted upright. Obeying my instinct, I dressed in record time, funny what adrenaline does? I even brushed my teeth. Hah! Can't burn up with morning breath!
Began in the bunk, unplugging fridge, laptop charger, etc. Nope, not hot. Open curtain -Got to front of cab, was assailed with the odor of metallic, clutch burning,,,OMG! Reminded me of the old racecar kits I played wiith as a kid!! That acrid, metal contact aroma...multiplied a million times!
Open the hood of my tractor, sure enough, a/c clutch on compressor is bound, smoking, almost in flames!!
People - the mechanics I will be employing today, putting food on their family's table. Places- I am still on the Jacksonville Terminal Yard after my vacation to CO. Waiting for 0800 so I could call dispatch for a load assignment and fresh work. Things- air conditioning in humid, blue sky Florida.
Thankful for my dreams. The ones I lay there in the bunk musing before coming awake to quasi-crisis, the ones that propel me through this day, right now, and the driving force spurring me to inspiration towards a very bright and dynamic future.
My work? This is a setback. Truck has to go to International dealership. Translates to unable to go back to work after my vacation. I am not hurting financially. But I am rested, ready to go back to work. One never knows when they need money for today, tomorrow is near. I want to stay set up okay to be able to give freely when impressed to do so.
My future? In God's hands. He has today planned. It's best if I just roll along with no thought of raiment or provision. HE is more than able. All sufficient.
So yes, I am in a state of Grateful.
Counting my blessings,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~ sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone
Monday, October 25, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Angel and Aaron's "Good Moment"
Oops, I was a slacker. I forgot to call Angel to say I arrived safely. So she calls me this morning, not thinking about the time zone difference. I have lost my voice finally from the cold, so after I croaked out a recap of my day and of the meeting with Alisha, Angel redirected the conversation.
I try not to think much about Aaron. Or Tony. It's not just that "no man can be good enough for my little girls". That is a part of it. Both couples met when each were still young in early high school if not before. So I know their families. I know their histories. Aaron even lived with me in his early 20's as one of the young people I took in to get them on track to being self-sustaining and responsible. That didn't end well with him, as he was disrespectful to all authority at that point of his life, and had violent tendencies that concerned me.
Angel recounted a conversation between her and Aaron recently that touched me and has softened my heart towards him some. They got married July 25, 2010 on the anniversary of the 8th year of the day they met. She explained that one of their strong points as a couple has always been that they were best friends, before they dated. Then even in times of taking time apart, they remained, best friends.
One night though, they began to discuss how each had gone in to marriage with the expectations of what would change for their interactions, and what would stay the same? She says he is not treating her badly, but there are certain things she had gone in desiring of her husband.
His response is what made me laugh. "Honey, you have been reading too many of those books. That's just crazy. You have built up a fairy tale that I can not live up to."
Angel explained that the message actually came from Isaac. His persuasion that the woman is to be the Gift to the man, not the other way around. Aaron responded well to that, because, after all, it was Isaac they sought out as a couple to perform their wedding ceremony. They didn't have their pastor do it, or a Justice of the Peace... it was ALWAYS,,, for 8 years when they first began musing as 16 & 18 years old kids,, it was ALWAYS going to be Isaac as their minister.
So, she taught him the lessons from Isaac. What is cool, is that they were able to sit down,, after a few months of being married and talk it out. Instead of internalizing their disappointments,, or perhaps,, less severe, their disillusions. They could do a status check, and be open to tell the other what they need that they are not getting from the marriage, as well as share what is going GREAT and ABUNDANT in the shifting roles!!
Aaron thoughtfully told her, "But I thought since I was providing the roof over your head and food on your table, it may not be much but it was always there, that you KNEW how much I love you because that was me SHOWING you."
Again!! Props to Aaron for speaking out loud!! Angel and I both in today's phone call simultaneously said, "THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES"!!! And she giggled and said, "yes, PRECISELY another book!",,, and she reminded Aaron in their conversation that it had been a part of the recommended reading in their pre-marital counselling.
To me??? I am touched and moved that Aaron DOES cherish MY DAUGHTER enough to sit down,, and I can actually picture them sitting in a very nurturing, bonding way,, very,,,, ummm... not only being transparent,,, very..... vulnerably unguarded (??????) way (geez,, I can usually find a word for something,, i botched that one)....
....but they sat down,,, and used "I" messages and allowed truth to have a voice. It just seems healthy and healing to me,, before there is a much more sad or regretting issue later.
Like she said, a strong point being that they are still best friends. So my estimation of him went up alot today. I conceded before they married, that he wasn't the same cretin that kicked and fussed at my house a five years back. Aaron has also grown into a man... and sounds like he is still willing to be the best partner to my daughter that he can be. And she responds to him as well.
I'm enjoying the relationship that Angel and I have at this moment in Time. We can share these conversations. They are intellectual, because I read the books along side of her so we COULD talk it out. They are emotional because we know what buttons to push. They are spiritual because it is also an example of many people, many styles, many petitions of prayers for God's best for each of them as individuals BEFORE and also after marital union.
I am just blessed to be where I am with each of my daughters. It was not an over night success. No fairy tale here. Alot of hard work. And infinite amounts of love and tender concerns for ANOTHER outside of our individual selves.
I see beauty here. Raw and strong and powerful. In marital relationships as well as familial.
What a gift of second, third, and many more chances God is. Demonstration of how the fruits of the Spirit really do operate if we get out of our own way and let them.
Humbled and grateful, with a loving heart,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
I try not to think much about Aaron. Or Tony. It's not just that "no man can be good enough for my little girls". That is a part of it. Both couples met when each were still young in early high school if not before. So I know their families. I know their histories. Aaron even lived with me in his early 20's as one of the young people I took in to get them on track to being self-sustaining and responsible. That didn't end well with him, as he was disrespectful to all authority at that point of his life, and had violent tendencies that concerned me.
Angel recounted a conversation between her and Aaron recently that touched me and has softened my heart towards him some. They got married July 25, 2010 on the anniversary of the 8th year of the day they met. She explained that one of their strong points as a couple has always been that they were best friends, before they dated. Then even in times of taking time apart, they remained, best friends.
One night though, they began to discuss how each had gone in to marriage with the expectations of what would change for their interactions, and what would stay the same? She says he is not treating her badly, but there are certain things she had gone in desiring of her husband.
His response is what made me laugh. "Honey, you have been reading too many of those books. That's just crazy. You have built up a fairy tale that I can not live up to."
Angel explained that the message actually came from Isaac. His persuasion that the woman is to be the Gift to the man, not the other way around. Aaron responded well to that, because, after all, it was Isaac they sought out as a couple to perform their wedding ceremony. They didn't have their pastor do it, or a Justice of the Peace... it was ALWAYS,,, for 8 years when they first began musing as 16 & 18 years old kids,, it was ALWAYS going to be Isaac as their minister.
Aaron thoughtfully told her, "But I thought since I was providing the roof over your head and food on your table, it may not be much but it was always there, that you KNEW how much I love you because that was me SHOWING you."
Again!! Props to Aaron for speaking out loud!! Angel and I both in today's phone call simultaneously said, "THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES"!!! And she giggled and said, "yes, PRECISELY another book!",,, and she reminded Aaron in their conversation that it had been a part of the recommended reading in their pre-marital counselling.
To me??? I am touched and moved that Aaron DOES cherish MY DAUGHTER enough to sit down,, and I can actually picture them sitting in a very nurturing, bonding way,, very,,,, ummm... not only being transparent,,, very..... vulnerably unguarded (??????) way (geez,, I can usually find a word for something,, i botched that one)....
Like she said, a strong point being that they are still best friends. So my estimation of him went up alot today. I conceded before they married, that he wasn't the same cretin that kicked and fussed at my house a five years back. Aaron has also grown into a man... and sounds like he is still willing to be the best partner to my daughter that he can be. And she responds to him as well.
I'm enjoying the relationship that Angel and I have at this moment in Time. We can share these conversations. They are intellectual, because I read the books along side of her so we COULD talk it out. They are emotional because we know what buttons to push. They are spiritual because it is also an example of many people, many styles, many petitions of prayers for God's best for each of them as individuals BEFORE and also after marital union.
I am just blessed to be where I am with each of my daughters. It was not an over night success. No fairy tale here. Alot of hard work. And infinite amounts of love and tender concerns for ANOTHER outside of our individual selves.
I see beauty here. Raw and strong and powerful. In marital relationships as well as familial.
What a gift of second, third, and many more chances God is. Demonstration of how the fruits of the Spirit really do operate if we get out of our own way and let them.
Humbled and grateful, with a loving heart,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
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