I found this tonight in an old email address that I used as online storage for my Dad and I and our prose, poetry, and my early writings for my book. Made me go all warm and fuzzy inside.  He wrote a parody back.  I will include it later.  Enjoy the smile. Ready, set, go!

>>Sent: June 19, 2007 10:28 PM

Happy Father's Day, Dad!
>>
"Dad". Best friend to be had.
 Ever since he was a young lad, he was meant to be my Dad.
 Builds things with ease, using nails and brad, that's my Dad.
 His tales make the butterfy's knees quake just a tad.
Fix things, grow green stuff, and fish, catching more than just shad.
His wisdom altho quick can make you feel like a cad.
 Wit, wise, and thoughtful he's more than a fad.
I tried as a kid not to make Dad too mad.
 Camping out in the rough, he used sleeping bags to pad.
My Dad out of date? Don't be absurd! I think he is RAD!
 The end of my rhyme comes, so now I am sad,


 Hope your day was a happy one, I love you, my Dad!"
>>
I truly didn't miss Father's day,, not really. I hope you could feel it long distance? I was thinking of you. I was in school that day, practicing the complex manuevers in the semis for finals this week. Then I went right back to the work grind after being off a week on vacation with the girls ( we had a blast!). I am in the countdown phase now. I need to choose a company ( got it down to 3-5),,, and set a date for an orientation. I get paid for 4th of July at the hotel,,, would be a shame to let that extra 8 hrs wage go. I am ready to be moving on, though.

I do love you and hope my lines above bring you a smile! I can send this at 10:30pm my time, and you can get it when you are awake, LOL. Heading to work now.
Love,
Janet

Spending Saturday night with th Kings of Swing and Sweet Southern Comfort. I'm lost. Might as well make the best of it! Pure groovin' BaBeee!

Code Word "DALLAS"

                             This is a good photo of ME right now,, out of focus. Not sharp at all.

Code Word - "DALLAS"
Few know of this code word. That's what made it effective.  If I say it, and they are not "in" then people get excited, WooHoo, Jan's in town!  Or Jan went through my city. etc.

Those that know that Code Word "DALLAS" means pray, my life and salvation depend on it, then they "get it" and I 've always trusted they got down to business with the King.

My own place, my secret world to yell "YOP!!" and no one hears. No one responds.  Splashes in the River. Boulders in the canyon. Avalanches down the valley. No one notices.

Tonight then, I say "DALLAS" and a 12 yr old boy thinks it's cool. 

In pain of such extreme fire that I cannot describe. Not only in my body. In all arenas of my current  life.

Struggling, to live through, breathe through, see my way past today and this excrutiating pain in my body, heart, and spirit.

YOP - DAMMIT!  

DALLAS!

I would explain my feelings and my thoughts. But I do not have words for them.

So many questions. And SOOOO ready for healing.

I've been taught to believe that the moment one quits believing, is the second RIGHT BEFORE the answer was being delivered.  Is God really toying with us like that??  How rude.

This is not helping my pain,, not one shred of it.

DALLAS... DALLAS.... DALLAS.... DALLAS,,,DALLAS,,,DALLAS!!!!!

Jan M. Olsen

~J~

Dangitt! I forgot that Missouri still allows smoking inside buildings. Resteraunts too. UGH!

Reason, Be Patient Grasshopper

P.s., an hour after I wrote the first part(below)??? I still can not move. My body said today is a DAY OF REST, wry grin.  I can not get out of bed, the pain and weight of fatigue has crushed me.

I have lost my load to ND....  I realize that God knows the plans He has for me. Submitting to Him, fully trusting. Going to meditate now and search for peaceful understanding, maybe even touch the Innermost place, the root of my pain and disease and cast it out.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Thinking back on my growl to have to stop so early last night?

I knew it wouldn't matter in 20 years, or even by Friday.

Going to roll now in a new direction.

But, the stop gave me a large amount of downtime hours. Extra study time.  Moments connecting with a stranded kitty.

And I awoke this morning curled into a ball - SCREAMING!  This time I rememeber what I was dreaming that woke me up!!!  Not only that??? Was so sore, stiff, in pain, I can not get out bed for a long time. Had to wait on relief to kick in.

Patience is a virtue, so they say.  I must be an awful sinner.

Have a great day. I will too, wherever my road and day takes me, I am blessed.

Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Facing a Fear, Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty :)

When I taught public schools during the 1990's, one of my kindergarten students hid behind the toilet as her mother was drug out of the bathroom at gunpoint by the drug dealer boyfriend, and then shot to death in the doorway in front of this 5 year old precious baby.... so yeah,, kitty made me think about how to help. I faced a fear of my own tonight, while helping soothe a stranded cat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This  was a five state day. 1)Tennessee 2) Kentucky 3) Illinois 4) Missouri 5) Sudden Irritation.

I found myself SUDDENLY STOPPED at the Warrenton, MO rest area on I-70 wb.  When the Boyz travelled with me, this was a favorite of all 3 of us.  It has an extensive walking area full of slopes and fells. If we walked fast around it 3 times, we were quite relaxed and stretched out.

I have a few outright fears.
A) spiders

B) drowning,, seems funny I know since I SCUBA and love all things water.  But the surge at the ocean's surface terrifies me. Some days I pay huge money to take a charter out to dive, and panic immediately after jumping into the heaving seas. I end up being hauled back on the boat ticked off at myself while everyone else dives 30-60 minutes. When this happens, I usually dive Tank #2 out of sheer WILL-POWER!

C) dying alone and no one knowing I died.  This fear got worse when my best friend gave me back the folder with my Emergency contact list, Do Not Resucitate order, Life insurance, etc.  I don't trust anyone else, and so if I die or have an accident?? Only the SILENCE on emails, FB, and this blog will be any heads up. No one will know how to reach my daughters or parents.  Grrrrrr.

D) Talking on the telephone because of my stutter.

E) a lesser fear, is of cats.  This is due to being ambushed in hallways,, from under my bed as i slept,, and from my Dad forcing me to give our barn cats baths in 5 gallon buckets when I was a kid.  I just would really rather not be around the beasts if I can help it. They are loud and I abhor a litter box and their shed hair.

So, here I am at the rest area in Missouri.  I'm pretty torqued about the sudden stop to my day, a revision that is out of my control, but not one that I am happy with AT ALL.  So, I decide to find positive encouraging things to fill my time.  I dig deeper into Meditation, Guided, etc... the HOW, WHEN, WHERE, WHY   and all the many push-pulls of opinions out there on the internet. 

http://lifehacker.com/5591576/a-guide-to-meditation-for-the-rest-of-us

http://health.howstuffworks.com/wellness/stress-management/how-to-get-started-with-meditation.htm

http://lifehacker.com/5521022/podcast-introduction-to-basic-meditation-and-mindfulness

From sit  /  no lay down / no kneel... to  jangly screechy harp music with windchimes,, to  soothing piano music talking about clouds.....

I am looking at options and suggestions and was looking forward to putting on my own music cd and just deliberately breathing and paying attention to that and to NOT thinking,,, (thinking about not thinking,, whhoooo boy! Here we go!)

When I noticed Nature's call,  I had been so engrossed in reading, that it was an urgent need, lol.  Opening the door to the restroom I got a shock that almost made me wet my pants AND have a heart attack all at once! THERE WAS A FURRY LIVE CRITTER in a stall, in a corner.  I got a few more feet in the door, and it is an exquisitely beautiful CAT.   Perhaps the word is calico?

Problem being, I scared the fur ball as bad as I scared myself.  She set off an extremely agitated, loud yowling and yammering and trying to climb up the wall of the corner she was in!!

I still needed the facitily and was absolutely TERRIFIED that FUJO (that's my new word for Feline Cujo)  was going to rush at me under the stalls and claw my legs to shreds!!!

Musing, I don't know if she was abandoned by someone? Or if she is the resident hunny of the security guard guy and he shares his trail mix with her and she has accidentally gotten locked inside????

All I know,, is the poor thing struck a chord of RECOGNITION in me.... she was literally SOOOO backed into a corner, in every way, out of her element, and as fearful of ME as I was of HER!!

I decided to prop the bathroom door open. I sure as hell wasn't gonna touch her or try to pick her up!!! DUH!   lol....  This way,, I would leave, and she could choose to come out  or stay.

Now I was agitated for several reasons. I went for a Fall evening walk under the stars,, thinking about Addy and Meeshu, listening for the ghosts of memories of their pants and fuzzy feet sliding around in the leaves.  Came back and KITTY PUSS was STILL in the same place.. and STILL YOWLING plaintively.

I don't really know why?? But I began to talk softly to her,, and eventually, found I was easing closer to her corner.  When she turned around and headed my way I thought Ichabod Crane was after me with the lighted jackolantern head!!!

In a moment,, I calmed myself down,, and ,,, well, pictures tell the story,, that beauty of a cat came over to me,, pushed up against me,, twined all around my legs and hand...

I TOUCHED A CAT!!!  OMW!!!   And yes!!!  At first when she bumped up to get INTO the carress??? She scared the dog snot out of me.

I don't have a tidy ending to this letter.  Kitty won't come out of the bathroom. I left the door propped open.  I want her to have options.  I do not want her to scare a child or elderly person.  Or worse,, get to feeling hemmed in and claw or bite anyone.

My dad  punched me,, just last week.  I didn't leave myself an out or an exit.  I deserved the hit.  I definitely feel the kitty's confusion and pain. 

I am kinda proud of myself for touching the fuzzy beast.  She is sooo pretty,, and sooo soft.  And once she came up to me,, she was very loving. 

Faced a fear today.  Not a bad way to redeem the frustration I feel at having to freaking STOP driving and having my plans rearranged against my will. 

back in my truck, I am going to work at the learning of the meditation stuff some more,, then maybe try it, with a new podcast I just downloaded. 

I do NOT want to dream of FUJO's with blood red eyes, and claws or fangs dripping,, ewwww.

bad Jan!

LOL.... ok,, now I gotta work to banish those dumb Stephen King mental images... AYIYIYIYI.

Facing my fears,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
 P.s. I had decided if Miss Kitty was still in the restroom when I was ready to go to bed, that I would feed her.  I just checked.  She is gone without a trace.  Only then, did I consider the fact of vehicles and the highway?  The back of this plot bumps up next to woods and residences. 

All I know, is part of my Inner Being resonated with the trapped little animal. Being pinned down or hemmed in is an awful feeling or place to be.  Fly away, little birdie!

So Close, So Far Away

Bridge system spanning the Kentucky- Illinois stateline, I-24 wb

Passed through Paducah, KY around noon today. A spot in the road. A small dot on the grand scale of the atlas. But it happens to only be 1 1/2 hours away from where my girl-Love of My Life lives in Evansville, IN.

Here is a portion of our bittersweet banter today:

You had me from hello. The only thing that makes our goodbyes tolerable or worth a damn is they bring us just that much closer to our next HELLO. (Terry)

XOXO - I know...it seems like i have freedom, but i keeep a pretty strict route and schedule.....all subject to change when Life socks the Plan in the nose :-(    (me)


If it makes you feel any better? I "walked like an Egyptian" while I "walked that dinosaur" into the store to get my fuel receipt and shower. Ahhh..what to do? (me)

I'm not sure I want to be with anyone that causes so much destruction. (Terry  re: yesterday's fires)

My loving memories gave me a strange urge to slip through the trees into the meadow and do our ancient forms (kata).  We used to practice in our own loving way, matched evenly, CONNECTED out at Toldeo Bend Dam...
 
then,,, to move on, force myself to leave and roll on up Life's highway? Got a hot tea, meal and shower.

While at the truck stop, I went up to the Transflo machine. This scans our trip paperwork to our payroll department,  A strong, brazen woman was there frowning at the machine. She whipped around at my approach and GROWLED, : Here! You go ! I can't figure it out anyway!"

What could I do? "Ma'am, may I talk you through the process with your paperwork first?"

As we went through step by easy step, I said," you might as well embrace this and learn to do it for yourself, The truck stops are putting these self-service scanners in and the staff will no longer be required to Transflo for us."

She ground out, " I'm not embracing anything!! They should provide us with customer service."

I watched her stomp away and felt a bit sorry for her.Thinking, "It must be lonely inside that closed mind and narrow parameter you allow yourself to interact with this dynamic world around you."

For myself?  Chagrined to notice how I really took simple things like hot showers or meals for granted when they were readily available. Realizing how North American-spoiled I am? Grateful for BOTH now.
 
Blessed to have loves of my life in the then, the  here and the now,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

There She Goes Just A Walkin' Down The Street...

Well that was FUN! My head in the puffy clouds I guess? I missed a junction of i-285. Ended up accidentally sightseeing Atlanta airport in an 18 wheeler. There's this MOMENT ,, kinda like being on I-70 in St. Louis headed towards Illinois,, that ONE SECOND where the Arch is in perfect symmetry and it makes my throat close off with emotion to see it like the blade of a knife?? 

In Atlanta it is a tunnel and a bridge that if you are REALLY lucky?  An airplane on it's descent to ATL will cross just a few feet overhead, giving the urge to duck!!!  I LOVE that moment!  It happened today,, and I promptly missed the merge to STAY on I-285,,, instead found myself on I-85 going around the airport parking lots. Now Folks? This is not a Geo Metro to turn around ;)   I keep my cool head and instinctively, just stay rolling.  Lo and behold, it goes back out to I-285 PRESTO!

JUST AS I GOT TO SPEED?? A vehicle flagged me down, horn blaring pointing to my tires!  I look in my mirrors, and see that a rear trailer tire is throwing rubber on the passenger side. I pull over,, but it's against a guard rail. 

My company says if most of the rubber has already blown off, to limp the truck to our Atlanta Terminal 7 miles away.  I have a bad gut feeling on this one.  But agree to do so. 

The load is 79,780 pounds (allowed 80,000).  This was weighed at 3/8 tank of fuel which is 8 pounds per gallon, total capacity is 300 gallons.

The weight settled on the remaining tires, causing a SECOND tire to overheat, then blow up!!!  As I am watching in my rearview passenger mirror I am thinking "GEEZ that's a WHOLE LOT OF RUBBER for ONE TIRE!!!"  So,,  I happen to be looking when the two outer RIMS BIT THE PAVEMENT and sparks flew!!!!!

The sparks??? Well, it took me 150-200 yards to get pulled to a safe stop on the shoulder of I-285.... as I was stopping,, the sparks are still arcing.... 

SET FOUR wildfires!!!!!  Two of those flashed up the dry tinder hill, through a chain link fence and across the divide into the neighboring lands!!!  Thankfully, there was already police and fire rescue at an accident scene  about 100 yards up on the inside NB lane, they rolled BACKWARDS on the highway and tanker trucks, big firetrucks, etc all came out to the scene.  It shut down I-285 at 3:40pm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't even THINK about my fire extinguisher, lol.  I went and stomped one fire out with my tennis shoes. (not the sharpest crayon in the box).   I DID THINK TO ROLL MY DIESEL FUEL TRUCK FORWARD AWAY FROM THE OPEN FLAME!!!!!

Very concerned I would be cited and fined.  I could accept that.  It was negligence on my part, and today I failed to "protect and serve the motoring public".  Somehow, though, the minute the blazes were extinguished, all rescue personnel LEFT.  No one came to write me a ticket.  WOW!!!  A "get out of jail free card"!!!

The Company sent a maintenance driver, who arrived with two new trailer tires on two new rims.  Within 30 minutes of his arrival, I was on my way. Heartland did not require me to go onto the Yard, told me to roll with the load.

It's been a long day.  Mentally and emotionally I was in prayer and deep thought for needs I know friends, family, and fellow Journeying people have.  Physically, it has been a day of great FIRE in my joints, back, and shoulders. So,, With the delay of the FIRE on I-285??? I was then in Atlanta traffic around Cobb County,, took almost 3 hours to go 50 miles.

I am parked now,,, after only 475 miles.  I needed to do 550, but it is almost 10pm and I know the closer to Nashville that I get, there are no more rest areas,, and the truck stops are cesspools up there.  It seems wisest to stop in Monteagle, I got a parking slot at the rest area on I-24.  I can go to bed soon.

Trying to decide what I want to do to unwind??  Usually what is best for me is soft Classical or jazz,, or even light gospel music... candles..... if at home, wine......  and a period of quiet reading.  Prayer before bed.  Lately been experimenting with the meditation.  And I get in bed and drift off to sleep by counting my blessings, listening to my daughters voices where I have them saved on voicemail, and other people on voicemail telling me they love me....

I was listening to Classical piano on the radio, but they must have had a DJ shift change,, the music became more strings and their high pitched squeals and whines... I had to just turn it off and roll down the windows,, let the fresh air clear my head.

Didn't make it anywhere to get anything to eat or to get the shower I had been looking forward to all day.

However,, I'm not grumpy, I am tired.  I am SAFE!!  Atlanta is SAFE (from me)... and I am further up the road to ND today than I was yesterday!!  Talked to Angel, Dora, and Rebekah today ...

just gonna call it a night,, not do any of my relaxing rituals...

Making it work, grateful for the lessons of today,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Beautiful Day!

See those bumps on my back? Those are not angel  wings.  They are shoulder blades.  And they just happen to be on fire at this very minute. Fever is ripping pretty good, in my back and shoulders, down my hips  always in my arms anyway, so I forget to mention those.

While pain-wise, this is setting up to be  a very long intense day of concentrating and surviving? 

This drive north is exquisite!  Lovely cool temps, Fall colors.  The other motorists seem to be in fairly good moods and are not acting totally like imbeciles.

My mind is pretty clear, and I wish I could just write all day towards my book.  I sense a flow,, and something DEEP coming to a head. 

Gotta roll though.  My goal of getting the majority of this trip accomplished in the daylight is on track.  Already, I am looking foward to the end of the workday.  I am enthralled by my new book.  Just the idea of a hot relaxing shower,, a hot tea,, and reading or writing time tonight?? Makes me want to get out and push the loaded trailer to move faster, MUSH!

LOL.

Blessed to be working and able to feel everything,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Wow, intended to go to bed close to 2 hrs ago....but somehow sat "just for a minute" with a new Costanza jazz cd and new book....looked up? it's 12:45am??

Shrugs....

Hmmm,, I KNEW I should have stopped for the night at Cafe Risque in Micanopy!!

((because it is "early" there and still plenty of semi truck parking!!!))

Of course,, I didn't stop, because I spend money in there when I do. 

But,,, even at 10:15pm the major rest area at I-75 nb at Lake City is FULL UP on truck parking!!!  62 miles to the next one,, which will be the Georgia Welcome Center,, and they close the restrooms at 5pm!!! (HUH!??!)

I decided to flip,, go up one exit,, turn southbound and check out the rest area on that side,, flip again in the morning... already passed all the trucks stops in Florida that are in my book.

Lo and behold!!!  At the next exit where I was turning around??  A mom and pop 10 truck slot business,, and a truck pulled out as I came on the lot!!  I GOT THE LAST SLOT!!!

You came too late to say that God and guardian angels do not work to keep us provided for and safe!!!  I won't believe otherwise!

Seems D and R lead normal lives??  At 9:15pm they were already phones off, in bed.  So,, Texts and v-m.... I am reaching out though.

Spent an hour on the phone with my best friend.  AHHHH sooooo good to talk again and LAUGH!!!  We share so much history,, we can make snide comments that make sailors blush with shame,, and to us?? we refer to something our grandmother's could hear!  LOL...  I kept her company on her ride home from work,, as she saw me up I-75 a little further. Nice!

Meanwhile, multi-tasking,, helping a recent Empty Nester WHHS classmate on FB make the treacherous navigations for the Holidays.  Talking others through these roller coaster times helps me find a balance,, and purpose for why I am here as well.  Getting them to talk it through and answer their own situations for what they inherently need for themselves, and what is RIGHT for THEM,,,  gives me ideas on how to cope too.  Because HOLIDAYS flat out SUCK!  Most people, may have CHANGE and new family dynamics?? Alot of them still have people around them.  Learning to be flexible and celebrate the OTHER 363 days a year as well as TG and Dec 25th may help them find GRATITUDE and BLESSINGS right where they are today.

It breaks my tender heart to hear a plaintive "miss you,, or I need Jan -time..."  when I am not really ever physically "there" for anyone.. it's all done by stupid internet and phone calls...  I sure hope i do not exacerbate their lonely feelings?? 

Jan needs mountain ledge time,, but it looks like my work is about to get REALLY crazy!  i am up for the challenge,, just not sure how much OOMPFH I still have in me to perserve until January when the calendar mercifully resets??

I suppose I am questioning "MYSELF " lately,, when in reality??? I wouldn't be sought if I didn't contribute.  Even helped my best friend with her COLLEGE STUDENTS by being her techie guru....

lol... me?  yeah,, that's making ME laugh too, so GO AHEAD!

Those 2 Electronics degrees and that computer programming i did in ancient years gone by?  I feel like a dinosaur.

I am gonna call it an early night... only did 450 miles today,, but if I stop now?? As I travel North and WEST  I will gain hours on the clock,, so that when I get to the majestic Dakotas I will be driving in DAYLIGHT!!!

God bless America,, HE sure did put some extra loving into the creations!
g'nite,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Status Check

Well, Monday was absolutely a new dawn! I slept, rested 8 full hours last night. I could have gone to the church to pray by 0700, instead, I got MUCH MORE accomplished in my well-being by resting, and also some seriously deep work with Spirit -realm before engaging my body to move around. Forces at war.
Interceding yesterday and today on behalf of family and fellow Travellers in this Journey.

I am sorry I was so depleted yesterday as to be down. Today, it was major effort to put on the Ritz to go back to my work or to socialize  with those that did not join me to that certain level at that time. Isn't it a lovely thing when we are not all down at once? The necessary UNITY was present, as I detailed previously.

Enroute now to Fargo, North Dakota. Just passed my daughter at USF Tampa. After she was hit head on by a car striking her bicycle at dusk, she won't walk or ride much after dark. The time change to Standard means I must pass by. My love to the Little Warrior :)

In the next few minutes, will be praying, meditating, and drawing inspiration. I'm preparing myself to call D and R to be sure they are all right after my meltdown yesterday.They look up to me like baby birds in a nest, I fervently pray that by allowing my weakness and frailties to show honestly that I did no harm.

I want to learn from them. As they learn from me. Surely their experience seeing me unguarded and in utmost of travail and anguish for OTHERS will cause them to grow as well.

I will know more soon.
~ J ~铄ent froü my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

The human body is an amazing piece of equipment. Strangled on water..not only coughing, it made me SNEEZE water.Tears streaming,first by choking, then  by laughing.

Not to be outdone? My ears just gave a COLOSSAL  *POP*!!!!!!!

Now I sound like Kermit the Frog with razor blades for breakfast as I sing while I drive.  An improvement oif my normal deep singing voice, LOLOLOL!!

 Yay!!! Freedom to sing ftreely!!  =)

Yahoo!! I just slept 8 hours! Nott straight through....awake every hour or so, but I laid down 8 hours anyway. Not sure my joints are working, haven't tried :)

Not Much Of A Torrent After All

Does anybody notice when a pebble skims into the river?
 Or the dead body floating downstream?

(typing at midnight, eastern time, Sunrise, FL.  Sitting with my laptop balanced on the steering wheel of my semi truck "apartment". Windows down, chilly breeze carresseing my skin,, loving my soft thin flannel pajamas,,, some very gentle jazz,,, scents of the sprinklers and FL mixed bag aromas.... )

Just in the few minutes it took me to drive from Weston Publix to where I swap my car in Sunrise,and get back into my truck to sleep, I have run out of steam. Depressing,, I bought portions "for one"... maybe 16 oz of milk? 10 oz of meat?  Happy they have a great organic section.  Fresh bottle of Bragg's ACV,,, I also got lemon juice earlier today(drink it plain), fresh fruits, new supply of sour milk to chill and eat, I mean, yougart,,,and a few specific targetted herbal teas.... Drove by my most recent old apartment in Weston. I'm sure it has new tenants by now. I have been living in my truck since August. Thinking of my old roommate..

Now, I'm left with just disjointed fragments of the thoughts and pain I am in today.....  no one knows just how shattered and broken I am inside. I do believe it is a good place to be.. if I can just see the course,, and let God do the work he is so dilegently pursuing.

BUT OH MY GOD I HURT inside,, and with ALL MY BEING I WANT TO STOP THE PAIN...even if it means circumventing the "PROCESS" I am just so sore, and so wore out,, ,, I have literally cried all day,, from the beginning before dawn until this very minute. So  glad computer screens do not get run marks... Even in midday when I had to take the load on to Miami??? I cried then too. Most of it was weeping and anguish of deepest soul and heart.

I know why,,, I know what is up... I know what is going on.... I am just powerless to stem the tide or change the current.  I MUST ALLOW THIS SEASON ,,, for it has a lesson in it for me...but  I HURT,,, and sooo glad no one reads this.... it's the Good- Bye note no one ever finds, when the person takes their ink written notepaper and tucks it into their pocket before jumping off  a towering bridge into the frigid churning black waters below...

Several snapshots of today,,,, D,, bless her,,, imitating me.... she tried so hard,,, she only made me cry harder when she put her hand on my forehead to pray,, like i do to her.  She was at a loss,,, kinda cute, kept rubbing my back like I was one of the kids with a tummy ache,,,  kept telling me to not "blame myself" ,,,

((You gotta love Pentecostals in the altar,,, often times there's one person on each side ... one yells "HOLD ON!!"  and in the other ear one yells "TURN LOOSE"....))  done messed up that dude inside.

I always get cracked up and FRUSTRATED when well-meaning people THINK they know why I am in travail,, and say things like "stop beating your self up"  or whatever,,

STOP JUDGING ME, DAMNIT!!!!

Ever think??? Maybe my ANGUISH ISN'T EVEN ** ABOUT ME** ????

So here's precious D,, telling me we should go out to eat,, even if I have to go to work, I gotta get food first,,, she was clutching at straws,,, GOD DID NOT ENLIGHTEN HER ,,, and I could not,, ,WOULD NOT tell her any specific thing to agree in prayer with me on....  God tells me what to pray for others,,, She tried,,, and I appreciate her for it, even while wishing she would move on. She even followed me to the ladies room,, I had cried so hard I was trying not to be sick,, and well,, just   " Bless her LORD,,, Open her to the potential you have for her".Even in my own hurt, I worried she was taking my aloofness as personal rejection of her?? God I don't want to hurt another,,, but I didn't have it in me to play a role today. Forgive me?

And R A.,, with the beautiful glory of hair,,, she was worried,, she sat silent,, the best way to be at a time like I was in....  I SCARED HER TOO... she left,, when she came back she had brought me a plastic glass of cold water,,, I looked at it,, grateful,, but knew I was shaking too hard,,  I sighed i couldn't hold it,, and OMG R held the glass of water to my lips for me to drink of it,, to settle down...  I felt like a child...

I do feel that way...


I would have to say the greatest gift of all that was given in person, ,was the older lady saint, C,  (IN THE FUSCHIA TOP), she came up beside me with a "shimmy and c'mere girl" approach,,

 All i saw was a mother - figure that loves me,, and OMG she held me,, i didn't mean to cry then,,,,surely I will reach the end of this bottomless well of tears SOON??

 but I have wanted to be held ,,, i have been soo alone,, and I do not have love with my own mother,,, C held me "just right'.... and even when I pulled away,, probably 4 or 5 times,, I had no strength... and she stayed by by side,, I kept laying my head on her bosom...Wracked with fresh sobs and torments...

My thin strand of self-control was almost snapped asunder when C placed her hand on my heart and began to pray in the Holy Ghost over my heart.  She got the "closest" to the "right" need today... She asked me "who has broken your heart?"  as if she wanted the juicy gossip as if I were going to say I had been with a man or something.  She wasn't close at all then, lol.

"Nurturing" hold....  OH,,, how i wish i had that with my own mom...  a surrogate will do.. at Publix I have bought C a thank you card,,, and will leave it at the church office for her on Monday.

I know,, I believe,, I receive that a few specific people prayed for me,,, were concerned, but chose to stay apart, and pray from a distance.  They are the PERCEPTIVE ones,, the ones that GOD directs and gives the words to pray when I can not,,, not every thing has to be "laying on of hands",, although,, open to whatever God has.  Just know?? I recognize there is more of a force and that I was being prayed for. Thank you,,, And forgive me, please, I am sorry I texted so late.

I guess I fully intended to confess here in the privacy of the blog, to open up and really spill my heart,,, my guts are just pulled all out,, eviscerated, ,,but I am weary of it all... and so,, no,, I will not be telling why or what had me crying so much today...

I ccan say, I am not out of the woods yet.  I seriously hope GOD really is ALL THOSE "OMNI'S"  that we teach,, becasue I am in my truck alone and still broken.

Flat tire on my car when I got here to switch up at 10:30am and get to church,, and it was flat again when I came back after delivering in Miami  at 5:30pm this afternoon.  Added a "large car" can  size of Fix-A-Flat,,, and still had to add 20 psi of air.  I don;t have money to replace it,, and am not here on weekdays to get it done. So,, It will sit here in Sunrise seeping out all week,, and next Saturday,, for the 3rd time in a row, I will ahve to add Fix A Flat jsut to get to church.

all talked out,, got soft jazz playing,, ate a little something jsut so i could take my meds...176/ 104 ( almost low for me, lol) pulse at 92... Options of ways to lower all of the races... ok.

Today while grocery shopping in Miami Wal-Mart, I bought blank index cards, loose leaf notebook paper and folders.  I already began 2 new journals lately and was using one of them with the "exercises". Count me IN, though, so I assembled the tools suggested.

 its been a long life, I'm going to lay down.. AND PRAY i dont awaken screaming... that is getting really REALLY OLD!
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
both photos included in complete Picasa Web albums for further viewing of associated photographs.

I'm fixxing to unleash a full out torrent on here just as soon as I get to my laptop. Grateful for this quiet place!

I Am...

Speechless.



Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Where is the out in escape artistry? (the correct answer is "there isn't one").

There's No Way To Know..... We Have Taken Different Roads,,,

"I try not to think about what might have been,,,, no we'll never know "What Might Have Been"
(Little Big Town)

Seems I am becoming self-aware of a trend for myself? Weekend longings for love,, someone to share my slower, off- peak  times with. I wouldn't expect even a saint to keep up with my insane work schedule, but the more laidback Time Off periods?  Open longings.

That is just where I am. Got to trust that.

Live in this moment, for it exists. It is as real and valid as are  the euphoric times of a job well-done in my industry, or a life touched by a call or email or text... each viable.

Open to what is ahead? It's also okay to go back into Time. Brief forays into the magical creative world of "WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN?"  In this world? No one leaves. No rejections. No sickness. No depravity. No one screws around. No trips to the ER for CAT scans, or closet bruises, cuts, broken bones.

Everyone has a job and loves their day's work, then comes home and June Cleaver has fresh baked bread smelling up the whole house. The porch light is on, the kids come home, bicycles stowed for another night.

M-F, perhaps  I will  skip "Mine and So-and-So's song" because no one is here. Somebody left.  Me or them? Irrelevant.

Fri- Sat-Sun?  Lewis and I HAD  a song,,,, Isaac and I HAVE A SONG NOW,,,, even Ole and I have a few accrued over 15 years of making music together...

Angel - Alisha,,,, even young Jeremiah has a SONG  playing within me.

Certain friends? Yup, I hear an inner melody for them too..

There's one specific Denison & WHHS classmate that I mentor now.  When he calls, I may let him go to voicemail on purpose.  I love to listen to the sounds of his  laughter and smiles  seeping out of his VOICE. That too, is music to my ears.  It also gives me a chance to find out what the topic of today will be, perhaps I will stutter less when we talk on the phone?

The bump bump of the rumble strip? Is music to my ears,, it signifies guidelines and safety practices.

I live in TODAY... Got to trust in RIGHT NOW,,, LIVE IT. LOVE IT. SING IT. DANCE IT. LAUGH IT. CRY IT. FEEL EVERY NUANCE AND BREATH......

On my road, wherever it is leading me today? It is the RIGHT ROAD FOR THIS TODAY,

Trusting, making new music up as i go along,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

If we were perfect, infallible creatures? We wouldn't need grace or mercy. There's a reason it is called REDEMPTION. I screw up. But I also GET BACK UP AGAIN.