A Good Day

It's a good day! The last few weeks and months have been good too. 

If I tried to list all the new things? It would be like my gratitude list - very long and covering a myriad of ground. I go to bed thinking of how much fun life is and wake up wondering what joy the new day will hold.

Sure, I have my moments. Even my days. But, I am getting my bounce back. I don't get spun all around as easily, as often or with such rough side effects.

There's a song by Mad Agnes, "It's a Good Day".  It is a celebration of life.  This is the song stuck in my head right now. It fits. It's a good day.

Very mellow. In a hotel room for 3 days, 2 nights.  Simply a break from routine of staying in my truck with limited space, no facilities, etc.  Already, after a day at Dania Beach,  I am as limp as if I drank a whole bottle of tequila. The cool thing is, no hangover, no embarrassing moments.

I get to EXPERIENCE today. Also, I have been practicing meditation.  Discovered I really connect with David Ji from the Chopra Center. His voice is perfect. It relaxes me.  I don't have to strain to understand him. The directions and topics are far out there - right up my alley!

WANDERLUST.  Finally, found a word to describe me!

Sing With Me, "How Great Is Our God"

Today was a prime example of being reminded full on just how O-O-O God is.  Many of you know me, and remember that is one of my favorite  truths of God- Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient.

Time = a temporal length of event or entity's existence (http://www.thesaurus.com/)

Some of the reminders came from words, well-timed, carefully chosen, and steadfastly presented in emails, comments, texts and conversations.  All of these communication require a sender and a receiver. Perfect timing. Often days in between the orginal and the reply, yet on time, each and every time.  Time :)

Twice today alone, the brad was tacked into my heart by God himself, moving my 80,000 pound truck in JUST THE NICK OF TIME. Twice, vehicles illegally merged into my path. Both times, the instinct to save them, caused me to swerve and fishtail. Both times, vehicles in the next lane to my left also had to readjust.  Each time, the merging offender glared balefully at me even though I am  "Slower Traffic In The Right Lane".  Sigh.... my pet peeve. TWICE!

I also received glad tidings from my youngest daughter.  The new baby is a boy!!!  Young Abraham Anton Johnson should make his appearance into our world approximately July 5, 2011. His big brother, Jeremiah Alon Johnson, will be about 16 months old.  Mom and baby are doing great thus far!

Alisha gave me the go ahead to  shout it out and tell family members and friends!  My first was a text message blitz. The next was to call my Mom & Dad.  Later, I called Michael too. A very few emails and then a FB blast!

It is very painful talking to my Mom. What ,,,, ahhh, I don't even know how to say it. I want to just love her, forgive her, and go on loving her even if unreturned.  But it is hard. I'm a big girl, this shouldn't be bugging me still, but it is.

Hurt today by people, my body weary of the struggle to survive.

Then, as my life opens up to new people? New risks. Today, especially, I am very raw and in need of clarity and respite.

People. Ideas. New ways. Old paths. Soveriegn God.

Weak Jan.

Always loathing my weakness.

So, this is it. Closing this in pain of the heart and mind tonight. In need of alone time with God and Him alone. No one else can fill the void within me ...

So the blessing of today, is that I drove many many miles, to arrive at the receiver at 7:30pm Tuesday for an appointment at 0700, Wednesday.  I am first in the gate. They will take me in at 0300.  In Weston, FL, just 5 minutes from my car and old apartment.

Away from resteraunts, people, other cars, I am parked under an old oak tree, dripping with the ancient Spanish moss of my childhood.  It is no accident that I am here alone, safe. Time carved out for me and God, face to face.

I do not have the heart to sing tonight to anyone or anything. But I will.  It is called a sacrifice of praise. For tonight, I feel even more unworthy than usual. But God knows all. Is all powerful. And is everywhere.  How great is our God.

Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Grateful For Simplicity

This morning, I walked by the Garden Center in a north FL Walmart. My Inspiration-button was struck by the simplicity of the barren, pruned, winterized Fruit trees for sale. Sometimes, my Life seems barren or cut back to very little. Today, I'm reminded, Spring is coming. Simplicity has its time and season for healthy growth and development.

All of Life is about Change. From the sanctity of the womb, to our last breath of air drawn into our lungs, we morph and change at incredible rates. As a person? I wish I could say I embrace Change as it would make the ups and downs so much easier to roll with and enjoy the Process. If I were completely honest, though, I would say I resist it. Since this growth and change are inevitable? All I am doing is stressing out over the very portions of my life that could use the most Serenity and gentleness.

Life has a way of sitting you down and taking you to task when you forget the truths and absolutes. Sometimes, I think to myself that I am doing just fine, at least for the moment, right where I am at that second. Then WHAM! A shift! The rug is pulled. The brick wall rises out of seeming Nowhere. Or the curve banks too sharply and I fight to make the bank and turn with grace.

I live alone. Wake, eat, work, play, love, sleep,,, alone. So I have to talk to others outside of myself when I want to bounce an idea or when I need someone to lovingly hold me accountable. Community is so key, however one finds it for themselves.  A church assembly and its leaders. A sports venue. A musical crew. A blog, or email, placed out into Cyber Land for review. Family and friends. Trusted souls that hold that remarkable place in your heart as mentors, best friends, the faithful warriors.

A very recent event epitomizes the speed of Change, my reactions, and the results. I rely on my laptop and the internet to keep me connected. On it, I can talk to people, watch people, listen, study, try new things. I can share my photos and musings.  Over a period of a month, my laptop began to experience instabilities. While I used to be a programmer and an electronics repair guru, I have not tried anything beyond the basics since the 1990s and I have been left behind by the amazing advances of the times. Life bouncing around on a semi truck is tedious. Heat, cold, vibrations, jostling, power outages... so many variables.  The problem with the current laptop could be anything.

Friends thought it was a software issue. Best Buy says, pay $199 up front for us to diagnose and repair. They came back saying it was in need of a new hard drive for an additional purchase. Then I had to buy Windows.  I became frustrated by the run around and asked to retrieve the laptop as is from Best Buy.

   A man at my church took it Sunday and found bad registry. He reformatted it entirely and put Windows 7 on it, along with Microsoft Office (YES!!!!!).  What's more? He did all of this for $50 and it was ready Monday afternoon.  This brother even drove to an exit off the interstate, I pulled over my semi and we made the exchange there!!!

Meanwhile, I will confess, I went through withdrawals. But, it is humbling to look at the weeks of limited use, and then the scary weekend of limbo and see that I could hear better in the silence. I saw this coming, and made an effort to slow my rambling, thinking, flitting brain down to a slower pace.

I experimented with new guided meditations. I closed my eyes and breathed slowly on purpose. I asked God to not give up on me, to please say it again for Hard heads like me.  I wanted to hear what God, Life, and Earth were wanting to tell me.  A few times, I gave in to the weak side of myself and vented frustration. But I worked hard to rein that in and just let Life take me where it needed me to go.

I went to an acoustic concert. I went to church. I stood out under the starry night and felt the dew on my skin. I took gym and separate Yoga classes. I slept alot, which was much needed. I arranged to have visitation with my old dog, Addy and we hiked, went to the dog park, and napped together, snuggled and sharing joy. I have socialized more in the last two months outside of my work and my church than I have in probably the last years my daughters were at home and I was a band and soccer mom.

Alot of those things I do anyway. But this time, when the thought came to look online, maybe for directions? Maybe for lyrics? Maybe to plan my next days, weeks, months in rapid- fire fashion as I usually make lists to do?  Maybe to write? I sagged, "Oh, that's right. You don't have a computer for an unspecified time."

I just don't manifest much patience or grace with myself when it comes to change. I am still mulling over how to improve this area of my life. The last decade recreated my family structure and ideals so many times, I lost count. People came in and out, homes, jobs, health at such an alarming rate?  And I was a real jerk about it.

Going forward, as I allow the pruning and shaping of my Life, I am only keeping the people that are positive for me. Whether we are bonded by blood or just by minutes? If you drag me down or hurt me, I am not continuing the association. I am seeking actively to learn what is healthy, nurturing, and fruitful for my life.

As this Process goes along, crossing the calendar years, I am so grateful to see the Progress. So blessed to begin to recognize Simplicity and to embrace the Changes.  I am not Wonder Woman. My mistakes are plentiful and painful.  I have to apologize and make amends ALOT.

The fruit trees at Wal-mart today? Made my heart thud in excitement because Spring follows Winter. But it also made my heart hurt to realize, that there is even more giving up to do. Even more Process to navigate. Even more Change to allow. And I walked away sobered, questioning.

 The human frailty of me first said, "HOW MUCH MORE, GOD!?"

My second question, almost as fast was, "Can I do it?"

The trees come with a guarantee. Life does not. All it promises is that THINGS WILL CHANGE.

The sooner I "LET GO and LET GOD", the easier it will be not to get hurt along the way by my own resistances.

So I end this, by affirming, even if only to myself, that I * WILL BE* Grateful for new growth and simplicity.

My becoming the best I can be depends on it.

Feeling Spring in the air,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

No laptop. Been out of commision for awhile now. Needs new hard drive. In limbo- new or repair old laptop? Bummed out. This is why it's been "quiet" from me.Jan

Attitude of Gratitude

Simply GRATEFUL.

My health. My friends. The capacity to love. Music. Angel. Alisha. For compassionate Daddy/God hugs. For my heavenly daddy and for his lap and snuggles. Writing. My job as a driver. For teaching. For Aaron for Angel. For Tony for Alisha.  For Jeremiah.  For cell phones. For pictures. For emails. For tears that fall and wash my eyes. For tears that sit in my chest and ache.My own Inner Drum.  For funny movies, videos. Alan. Mark. Nanci. Rob. Allison. Isaac. Pastor. Rick. Brian. Peter. Theresa. Terry. Charlie. Erin. Rebekah. Michael. Tommy. East - West coast. North-South. Worldwide. Time.

For Dallas prayers.

For my Inspirationators.

For the sleep i got last night. For waking up today with this list going over and over in my head.  For baseball. For trombones. For guitars. For trains. For finding old friends that I was close to. For building up friends that were acquaintances. For new connections. For people I will meet today.

Freedom.

For whistling. Humming. Grooving. Dancing. Breathing. Meditating. Praying. Reading. Learning. Dreaming. Stretching. Growing.

For songs that get stuck in my head. For dreams with songs. For the new song in my heart. Singing to the angels. Singing out loud. Passion. Life is a song.

For hope. For revelations. For change.  For Empty Nest. For my divorce. For Lewis moving on.  For my mistakes. For God's forgiveness.

For my forgiving others. Loving others. Caring for others. Reaching out to others. Encouraging others. Assisting others. Connecting others.

 Gifts of service. Giving mail, cards, notes.  Calling a Stranger by their name. Holding the door open. Extra tip for service. Paying for a stranger's meal. Anonymous. Quiet. On the Down Low.

For the glow. For the light. For the shine. For the bounce. For the sparkle. For the zest. For the crackle. For the enthusiasm. For the joy!  For the happy!

For hair. Skin. Senses. Organs. Hands. Feet. Head. Heart. Emotions. Feelings. Wild. Tame. Brilliant. Awesome. Amazing. Gifts. Touch.Texture. Exploration. Curiosity. Discoveries. Sensations. Warm. Hot. Cool. Wet. Trembling. Quivering. Shocking. Knowing. Giving. Receiving. Trying.

Brown paper bags. Depths. Reaches. Shallow. Desire.

For smiles - Of laughter. Of puzzle. Of knowing. Of questioning. Of reassurance. Of tolerance. Of hope.  Of dreaming. Of trying. Of pain. Of success. Of failure. Of setback. Of getting up again. Of new ideas. Of revelation. Of inspiration. Of relief. Of the light bulb going on. Of the siren screaming. Of jokes. Of being impish and fun. Of silly. Of goofy. Of lighting up a room. Of lightening a heart. Of love. Of pleasure. Of affection. Of peace. Of knowledge.

For my questions. For my answers. For my puzzles. For my incessant rambling. For my desires. For my curiosity. For my hunger.

For pain. For being alive. For feeling everything so deeply.  For being raw. Transparent. Unable to hide. Open. Available. Independence.

For space. For echoes. For void. For whispers. For too much space. For crowding. For vacant, painful space. For fresh space. For things to protect the space. For things to fill the space. For people. Laughter. Love. Suffocating silence. Agony of alone. Cherish alone. Peace. Contrast and Congruence.

For conception. For Process. For birth. For miracle. For wonder. For awe. For death. For pain.

For Addy and Meeshu. Misty and Feylin. Alayna. Ally. Anna. Geo.

For indoor restrooms and the people that pee on them.

For people that listen. For people that stay. For people that leave. For people that pass through for a reason. For angels.

For compassion. For patience. For kindness. For tenderness. For affection. For attraction. For gentleness. For thoughtfulness. For empathy. For solace. For mercy. For grace.  For redemption. For more chances than I deserve.

For thunderstorms that rock and sway. For snow and ice. For blue skies and no clouds. For white puffy, 7 minute frosting clouds. For being an optimist. For hope. For belief.  For rainbows. For shades of color unimaginable. Birds. Stars.

For mistakes. For lessons. For loss. For opportunities. For blessings. For favor. For heights. For depths. For loneliness.  For silence. For giggles. For squeals. For sleepless nights.  For heart pain. For mind pain. For body pain. For Soul anguish. For Intercession. For the battle. For warfare. For victory. For defeat. For losing a battle, but winning the war. For drive. For getting back up. For  not quitting. For not giving up.

For surviving.

For mom. For dad. For fishing. For reading. For hiking. For lakes! For oceans. For books.

For gardens. For hammocks. For loungers. For sweet iced tea. For swaying boats. For mists that rise. For splashes. For tugs. For front porch swings. For rear porch swings. For rocking chairs and gliders. For ropes. For ladders. For bridges.

For locked doors. For iron. For dungeons. For stairways. For light. For Opportunities. For open doors and windows. For courage. For discernment. For faith. For trying. For door knobs. For dragons. For the Prince.

For reconciliation. For walls. For armor.For castles. For bridges. For inroads. For offerings. For openings. For chinks. For weapons. For mercy. For chances. For forgetting. For letting go. For being vulnerable. For being gentle with others.  For whispers. For roars. For whoops. For unspoken. For LOOKS. For eyes, oh! For the eyes.  For touch.

For bounty. Plenty. Abundance. Overflow. Gifts. Sharing. Space. Simplicity. Echoes. Radar.

For tremulous hope.

For TRIUMPH!

For people that stay. That withstand. That hold. That last. That care. That listen. That read. That keep their silence. That answer back. That share. That suggest. That forebear. That KNOW. That are clueless. That try. That walk away. That hang in there. That come back. That have years with me. That have only minutes. Those that pass through my life for a time, a season, a reason.

For miracles. For new birth. For new beginnings. For past. For old ways. Old traditions. For heritage. For roots. For new trails yet to blaze. For excitement. For Adventure.  For mountains. Valleys. Plateaus. Rocks. Holes. Pits. Canyons. Deserts. Dust. Lush. Curves. Detours. No Wrong Turns. Construction zones. Chasms. The abyss. Shorelines. Tides. Anchors. Moorings. Buoys. Lighthouses.

For anyone that reads this.

For me.

Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Few Words

I have had a major shaking up in my world this weekend.  At this time, I do not have words for it.

Actually, I am retreating into myself for a time of cleansing and purifying.

So I will close with this thought, "I won't turn back."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3xFXLOKKIQ

God bless.

Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Moving On lyrics

Hiding in a smile
Is a life filled with hurt
A soul that's crying out
Wanting to be heard
I've tried all I know
To discard all my pain
Will I come alive
Is there any way

CHORUS:
I don't wanna waste another day
Living in regret from my mistakes
I'll move on and the sun will shine
Pick up the pieces walk away
Live with the choices I have made
You've forgotten and so will I
So will I

When the day is done
And the noise and lights are gone
I look back at my life
What else can go wrong
How could you still love
A heart as cold as ice
But I must look so different
Different in your eyes

It's a mystery
How human can I be?

Here I Go Again, Needing To Realign

Well, I have alot of cool things to share from my weekend.  Funny, though.  My oldest daughter, Angel is often the first person I think to say, "Did you see that?!" 

Lately, alot depends on her school, church or husband's schedule if she has an ounce of "angel" left in her to humor her old mom.  I say that trying to be light hearted and to shuck off my irritation.

The convo often goes something like this, "Hey! Angel!  Glad you called, What's new?!"

"Oh nothing much.  Just wanted to share _ _ _ __ _ _.   My school day. A movie.  My Sunday school class."

"Cool!! Always glad to hear from you! Let's have it."
(30 minutes later, my eyes glazed over,,,, she's beginning to go in circles, gets kind of random)

"Hey Mom? I know I called you.  But I'm talked out now. If you still have anything you want to share? Go ahead.  But I can't promise to pay much attention or respond right now. Besides, it's time for Aaron's lunch, then I'm going to take a nap, then maybe we can talk tomorrow after classes and you can tell me whatever you had."

"No problem, Bugs. I understand.  Glad you can call me to share. Later!"

and,,, I hang up looking at the phone, going, "Damn! She just did it again!"

Increasingly, my fuse is getting shorter and shorter.

But,,, it's obviously MY problem.  It's big TO ME.  I don't want to project that off onto Angel. If I complain "during the time we do have about not having more time".... then how long before she thinks twice before calling at all?

My fear in all this is to lose her completely.  Even if it is only for a month, two, or a year, two, etc....

But, I want to tell her now,"You used to be my Go-To person also.  If you are going to judge me now, for being open and questing? And you are not going to sound it out with me? Then who are you to look down the road 6 wks, 6 months, a year and tell me you do not like who I have become???  I will talk to someone.  You may not like who I go to next."

But, again, I bite it back, and like bile it is eroding my good humor,, and what it is doing now to me? I see her number on the Caller ID and think, "WHAT NOW?!"

When I want to think instinctively, "YES!!! My Girl is calling!!! Let's CONNECT!"

meanwhile???  I went to the same shipper in Miami today that gave me the inspiration of "out of plumb line". And I had the same door. Where I had to FORCE my mind to let it go,,, park out of line,, at an angle, jsut to be "right".

Coincidence?  Attitude and work in the natural showing up at the same hour??

HAH!  Got the diploma on this School Of Hard Knocks lately!!  No coincidences.  Rhymes and Reasons,, but not Random Acts.

So, I am including the old entry below, to remind me, that it is MY ATTITUDE I can recognize, deal with, breath through (smile) and adjust with a vengeance.

Because, I also know Angel's habits.... she will call me much later today and apologize.  And I will need to be Johnny on the spot to accept it, forgive it,, and seize the moment we DO have,, instead of lamenting the lost hours.

hard,,,, hard lesson.  And I am still a student.  Just got my knuckles rapped with the ruler today, that's all.

Grateful and stretching,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Monday, December 6, 2010Out of Plumb Line


After this past weekend and it's upheaval with my dear Angel, I am feeling keenly just how out of plumb my intrinsic thoughts, emotions, wishes, hopes, dreams, relationships, and spiritual walk is lately.

Looking outward? Well, I need to confess, I did my share of that too. What ancient truths have came to my fore, though, is that it is what's inside of ME that is attracting to me and radiating out of me. It's an inward condition, my own personal responsibilty.

Getting fed up with being in a position to have to admit, "I don't like who I am seeing reflected back to me from the mirrors into my Inner Being."

I was reminded of the scientific principle to a plumb line today at my Miami shipper. After reluctantly getting back in the driver's seat to return to work, I did an unusual thing. I agreed to convoy down there with one of my elders. I had an ESP that I needed his company and escort. Sure enough, it was downtown Miami in a rough neighborhood with an industrial section crammed into its tight spaces. Reminds me of Aspen Distribution on Vail Ave, Montebello, CA (eastern Los Angeles). Not a truck friendly area, predominantly poor Spanish people, that leaves me nervous if I have to stay roadside overnight. I don't speak Spanish. I can ask for Los Banos, but then don't understand the reply :)

At this shipper, the two docks go INTO the building about 15 feet. Gives a vertigo to back in and lose sight of my trailer doors until I feel a solid KER-THUMP as concrete meets metal in a teeth jarring experience. I am a GREAT truck driver. I backed in off that residential street, dodging mutts, cats, and threading the debris of cars of yesteryear, straight shot - right to the dock!! Yet, THREE TIMES a shrill whistle and waving, gesturing arms, accompanied by unintelligible Spanish hollering,,,, I was directed to pull up, realign, back in again.

No matter how straight my tractor, trailer was to itself, my elder trucking neighbor, the street or the side of the building??? There was a 8 inch gap on the right side of my trailer to the dock. I tried over and again to psyche my mind out, to park "out of angle". No luck. The building is off plumb line.

At last!!! A visualization of how I am feeling in my interaction with myself, with others, with my world I live in, and with my ineffable Spiritual connections.

Hmmmm..... get that last one in synch and the rest may line up? That just came clear as I type this.

I have been embroiled in a spiritual Erocylodon. Feeling like the nose of my Life's vessel has run aground, where things are simply done by rote memory, because that's the way they have always been done, all while the hinder part of my being is out in the Currents of Change. My self-walls, fortress, and foundations are being torn asunder with opposing spiritual and emotional integral forces.

Somewhere between a feisty pussy cat and a royally provoked lion, I am "becoming" someone new.

Change is good. No stranger to recreating my own Reality? I have been here too many times. I want to just "be good".... be worthy,, be of service, be loving, compassionate, and still yearn to be loved.

So, if I have wreaked any havoc or caused harm, while my personal "building" is being aligned into the "NEW PLUMB LINE"?

Please forgive me. How may I make amends?

In a search, I found info on Kinesiology. It explains that the Definition of Erect Posture is one where an individual is standing at attention or told to stand up straight. This posture needs conscious control. It holds a plumb line from ear lobe, tip of the sholuder, center of the hip and knee, and anterior to the ankle joint.

When all is said and done? My prayer for my personal character and integrity, is that I stand consciously in control of myself, erect, with an authentic, honest plumb line.

Please, anyone who finds this, by invitation or divine design, I implore you - HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE TO THIS HIGHER GOAL AND NECESSARY CHARACTER GROWTH.

So grateful. So humbled. So broken. So pliable in the Master's Hands.

Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Labels: Attittude, Attributes, Breakthrough, Breathe, Broken, Communication, Depths, Gratitude, Health, Identity, pain, Self, The Lion, Time

A Visit Into My Dreaming Place

Forgetting all I'm lacking , Completely incomplete

It is Monday again. I am at a shipper that I go to almost every Monday.  I would guess 95 out of a 100. I deadhead, drive with an empty trailer (no weight) from Sunrise, FL the 70 miles to Clewiston, FL to pick up granulated sugar.  They keep a supply of our empty trailers on hand, but it seems that Mondays, as early as I arrive, my load is to be a live load. 

That's fine. I know the system here and all 7 doors, I know the trick, the swing, the angle.  I can usually drop it in 1 or at the most 2 attempts.

However, I was watching a driver struggle with almost every aspect. His driving, opening and closing the doors, sliding the tandems.  This took me back to my days as a trainer when in my Tough Love style of teaching I would insist the students go figure it out.  My own trainer had a similar method. At least I show my students once first, lol.

The driver for another company also known as a Training Company like Stevens,  and his struggles, his facial expressions and jerky, eager to please movements just reached down into me and has me thinking deeply.

I have known all my life that my Passion is to teach. Many opportunities to teach in a variety of settings and number of students have been afforded to me.  Not really intersted in going to college to become a teacher. maybe when I had a young family at home, I would have liked the M-F, 7am-3pm lifestyle.  Now, I like the flexibility and the adventure of not quite knowing where I will end up or begin.

Sunday was spent getting to know a new friend better.  It was during that initial one-on-one getting to know you visit that we talk about our life so far, and our wishes, hopes, and dreams for our future.  We share many similar beliefs, history, interests, hobbies, expressions and he is also a teacher.  As time is going on these last few months, I am not as suprised as I might once have been.

So, today, early in a New Year, early  in a work week, I am inspired to dream a little bigger than usual. To realize that I am not tossed aside on the trash heap of Life, and to think again, with new perceptions where am I going to let my Passion take me?  Where can I direct my life? And letting it go, trusting into God's plans.

What can I change in me to make a positive Course shift?

The other driver? Figured the skills out, on his own.  Surely he is going down the same highways that  I will be taking and inside the cab of his truck he is feeling a little more confidence.  A little more healthy pride in a job well-done.  A little less questioning of "OMG are you CRAZY to want to be a truck driver?!"

And that Knowing makes me smile.  For I have been there, the student.  And I have been the instructor.  Realizing I will get many more opportunities in this Life to do both.  This pleases me, inside in my Dreaming Place.

So it is with hope and renewed fervor I begin this new week,heart, mind,  arms and eyes wide open.

With Joy,
Jan M. Olsen
~~J~
this song has always stirred the tenderness of my heart. It acts as an Adolph's tenderizer or mallet. Where it talks about "falling even more in love with you?"
 I often substitute my own name in the blank

,,, letting go off all I've ever held onto,,, falling in love with me... I know if you are reading this, then you are someone I trust to "get this" concept and that you see with me the small, baby step victories in my personal walk with, Jan the woman. 

And I imagine you smile and celebrate WITH ME.

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you


I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you


Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now...






I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know


I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you


There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind


There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else


Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you....


I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know


I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you


Just hanging by a moment (here with you)


Hanging by a moment (here with you)


Hanging by a moment here with you

A Rainy Day

I am writing in my word processor about my healing. I am finding it hard to stay focused because I believe with everything within me that it was no one single event or thing.

Trying to make a list.

OVERWHELMED  with gratitude to even be making a testimony entry!

Flooded and a bit wandering.

Writing :-)

Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Write Or Do Laundry?

Charlotte, NC at the receiver since 0030.

My gamble paid off. The gate was not closed. Pulled in at 0030 for my 2pm appointment and went on break on the logbook. It  was closer to 0230 before I could wind down enough to sleep. At 0800 they came knocking on truck doors. First come, first served, they will unload us. Empty trailer by 0915!! YEAH!

So, what shall I do today?  Laundry? Lol, needs to be done, but what a drag sitting at a laundromat.  Write? Hmmmm, what else is there to say right now? In a blessed mood.  Tempted to just make  a bullet point listing of recent blessings! That would be fun and encouraging. It would also be a great resource tool the next time the wolf knocks at the door, I can go pull a smile off my Gratitude List :)

No plans this week. Go whereever my QualCom directs. Lean on Joe a bit to get me longer miles per trip, better utilization of my time and logbook. Less sitting, more rolling.  Finally getting  a second wind and I feel today like I could pull the trailer on a harness!!!

If they will work me this weekend? Great! I will stay out and get in the swing of things. I need to be in SoFL Jan 15-16 for two specific classes at the Yoga Connection.  Jan 15th is Jimmy Barkan working with his Hot Yoga methods in a workshop. Jan. 16th is Yogic Numerology with my Kundalini instructor.  This will be a "first" for me to dabble in something like that. If it goes well, I may hire her one on one for a full reading. Slow Grasshopper.  Take time to let some of the new things settle and assimilate  :-)

Angel and Aaron are travelling this week to spend time with his family in Pensacola.  I haven't heard from Alisha in about 3 weeks. I am sure the holidays were busy at her work.  Plus being pregnant, working two jobs and keeping up with a 9 month old active, Jeremiah takes priority!

I have been blessed financially. I was able to give each daughter $250 for their family to spend as they have the need or desire as my Christmas gift to them.  I had a blast buying gifts for people, children especially as the opportunity and Spirit presented itself. What a wonderful season of giving and of hope!

When I went skydiving December 31st it was a realization of a goal. Most of 2010 my goal list was about other people, sometimes needs I had.
1-Come off the road, live in my apartment in SoFL.
2-Angel and Aaron's July wedding.
3- When lease expired in August, move out of my apartment, put bed, boat, etc in storage. Live in truck.
4-September, move household stuff out of my brother's place, purchase storage.
5-Fly to Colorado to reunite with Alisha and meet my 7month old grandson for the first time.
6-SKYDIVE, prepare for SCUBA Liveaboard cruise in 2011, save for trip with POCC to Israel 2011.

Pretty cool that one by one, small achievable bit at a time, methodically I crossed an item off my To-Do list!!

Very encouraged!

During 2010 I emptied my phone and email contacts of people that were not inspiring or healthy for me. Old or new, if they hurt me, drained me, used me, or were "expired" I deactivated their information. Then I was very selective who I kept or added.

I chose to surround myself with A) people I can be a blessing or of service to (B) accountability partners  (C) people that are positive, healthy, uplifting, constructive, and challenging.  My contact list is now POWERFUL and manageable to go through and see my blessings!

Looking forward to being more loving, more receptive, more courageous this new year. I want this year to be more about others and how I can serve and gift them, than it is about me just getting by or in need of healing.

Live in a space of GRATITUDE, of INPSIRATION, of FORGIVENESS, of Awareness, and of being fully PRESENT in every breath, every beep of my heart.

Doing something that scares me every day. Trying something new. Pushing just past where it hurts, to the next level of stretch and flexibility (body, soul, mind). Making time into my regular routine to rest and restore, and not having to wait until my body shuts down entirely in protest.

Carving out regular intervals to do the things that REALLY intrinsically please me.  Laugh. Dance. Sing. Fish. Hike. Camp. Explore. Dive. Play. Serve. Read. Write. Learn. Worship. Grow. Climb. Boat. Listen. Create. Empower. Release. Breathe. Fitness.

Learn to play the guitar. Write poetry, songs, short stories, chapters. Go to the theatre, concerts, museums, art galleries.

Feed the ducks, gulls, cardinals.  Lay on my tummy on a dock and watch the fish swim below.  Lay on my back on the dock and count the stars and try to assign a blessing to each one I see. ALOT OF STARS!

Hmmm,,, guess I wanted to write after all today :-)

Time to consider what the new work day holds. Make it a GREAT one!

Jan M. Olsen
~J~

It's Really That Simple- Free Falling

,

 That blip on the photo is me - soaring, free falling, LIVING in the Moment with Gratitude.

Today is January 1, 2011. It has been for me for 10hr21minutes already. I enjoyed watching my International friends celebrate before the earth turned on its axis for it to be my turn to countdown. This year, a special treat to me was the fruition of several goals set long ago. The culminating moment? Was linked arm to arm, hand to hand, in prayer and fervent seeking with Brothers and Sisters at Pentecostals of Cooper City, Florida.  As we prayed as family units, then for one another, and for ourselves, in agreement, my wonderful church family turned towards our countdown screen and shared that E-ching moment of each year's transition. 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1-HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! 

With song, laughter, dance, worship and exhortation we sought God as a unified body of believers both  in the past year and moving forward into the new!  This really was an answer to prayer, planning, sacrifice, and a desire of my heart to be here for this service. Happy and blessed.

I'm not going to write a year in review now. I have a photographic project that will speak volumes when I am done compiling it as the Spirit directs. I don't want to say what others have already said so much more eloquently and fervently before me in this past week leading up to the new year. But I do have a few words from MY heart to share. And here we go!

Philipians 3:13): I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, (14) I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
( I have not "apprehended" or attained all there is for me to know about life or myself, but I must look at RIGHT NOW and then reach for the Future with hope and trust.)

At first, the source of quotes that I am going to attribute will seem odd to anyone who has gotten to know me in the last 3-5 years. It will REALLY suprise the people I have connected with in the most recent few months.   However, these are MY lessons that I have learned. And that source was an integral part of my life for the Season he was placed in my path.  I had much to learn. Not all of it was to DUCK!

This person actually (and I am only just beginning to see it this way) was a part of my daily walk for a time because he was a vessel God used to exact work in the crucible where God had me.  It was an understanding between God and I.  Through Revelation and Vision, God had asked me years ago why I wasn't on the Potter's Wheel, and I had to admit that I had specifically taken myself off. Why? "So I could become something you could use. Something of worth. Of value. Then, God, I was coming back."

Ah, I had it all wrong. For a decade.  8-10 years is a long time to be at war within your Spirit!  It carries burdens, regrets, pain that was never God's will for me at all.  So, between God and I, we entered into a specific time of BROKENNESS where I had to fully submit to His creative powers and ultimate design for my life.

At times, the pressure seemed more than I could bear. Occasionally I grew impatient with the Process and tried to "fix me" on my own. So glad I serve an Eternal, all-loving God who has nothing but Time  of the ages to knead and adjust me and my stinking attitudes.

The lessons I learned in this particular chapter covered 14 months of my life, and even longer if you count the "recovery" period which is still on on-going process.  And no new revelations or anything scary here today. Rather, I am about to say things that brings me to humble, quiet, knowing and tears of gentle gratitude for the lesson.

 JayJ, taught me to work hard, but to relax even harder. See? Not what you might be expecting. From our first handshake on introduction with the words exchange of "Hi, I'm agressive.""That's good. So am I."  we entered into our business relationship with a single mindest - TO WIN! To be the TOP of our field   (DM for him, Driver for me.)

As a working pair? We were AWESOME!!!  He pushed me HARD, with his contacts, his knowledge and his efforts.  I often felt growing pains as I had to build up stamina for driving as if my life depended on it, learn to fix things on my own if they broke down, time and money management.

Then, as I excelled, he didn't sit back and say "yeah that's good. Rest here." Nope!! The very next load assigment he pushed me HARDER.  As two agressive, driven to succeed tenacious people? The see saw of learning, doing, learning, growing, expanding was constantly in pendulum effect!!!!

Then,  when he had pounded into me like a mantra "450 miles a day Jan, or you will FAIL" (UGLY UGLY WORD in my vocabulary) and he had me staring at the odometer.  A 750 mile day on Monday, did not excuse a 350 miles day on Tuesday. Not to either one of us.  I had shown I had the POTENTIAL of  a 750 mile Tuesday too.

So when JayJ ran out of resources on the logistics end? I often pushed back on him, and even learned to go around him, to pull down my own loads out of a magician's hat.  In trucking, we do something called a "repower" or "relay".  This is like a relay race, with the loaded trailer as the baton.  If one driver is too slow, or too fast, the load may be relayed to another driver, and the first driver can either rest or pick up the pace in a new direction.  I became known as the driver that made the Impossible happen!  Inside Stevens logistics departments, if a load was in danger? Give it to Jan. She will come through! 24/7 I was the "GO TO GUY" and just being honest here, I LOVED IT!  I EARNED IT!

I made Jay's Board look good!  Stevens had 2,800 drivers, 700 Alliance drivers, and I was the top 2.85%.

What a team!  An earning, developing, striving for excellence partnership JayJ and I had!!!! 

Then came a day.... no new load, no repower, I was just early and had to sit waiting on another driver to arrive 8-10 hours later. "What do you mean? How can I do 450 miles today sitting still? Run in circle around the parking lot? Are you crazy!?"

After the 3rd or 4th text or email from me, JayJ bit back, "Oh GOD JAN!!! JUST RELAX!!! DAMN!   GO SHOPPING OR SOMETHING!! I'M NOT GOING TO SEND YOU ANYTHING NEW UNTIL YOU CHILL OUT!!"

Gotta admit, this made me mad at the time.  I huffed and I puffed and stomped to the outlet mall in Jeffersonville, Ohio,,, I was going to go into "A" store in a huff, and I was going to say "NOW! GET ME A LOAD!"

ahhhhh,,,, but God and his Lessons.....

As a single mom? I could not afford hamburger meat for the hamburger helper. I was inadequate as a provider or head of household. So it caused me angst to now be making thousands a week take home pay, and not have anyone to spend it on.  Being low income also meant I didn't shop at the mall at the "name brand" stores, and had no idea what an outlet mall was.  And I had guilt issues over spending any of my money now on things for myself.

Being at this outlet mall, instead of being an "AH YOU HAVE ARRIVED moment"?  It was painful for me.

But, my natural curiousity and propensity for humor got the better of me.  I saw a "Brooks and Brothers". Now, not having experience with name brands??? I read it as "Books and Brothers"... and in excitement I ran to that store first. Only to be sad when it was a men's clothing store. ROFL!!! 

But, to my left or my right? Was Adidas, or Yankee Candle, or the golf store..... and one led to the next,,

I looked up,, and it was noon! and I had a few small shopping bags. I had bought JayJ gifts, I had bought Angel gifts,,, I had gone and let the lady at Lane Bryant measure me. I had even gone into the Adidas store and my treat to myself was in incredible high quality pair of tennis shoes which I just had to replace a month or so ago.... while at Adidas, I sponsored children in the "Right To Play" program, and became a source of financial assistance to kids who want to play soccer, but cannot afford the gear (my surrogate gift in Alisha's name).

I had lunch in the food court,, and walked around marvelling at the store list  and doorways, and windows. I munched an  ice cream cone.

Telling you this to make a point. JayJ insisted I RELAX. Stop and enjoy the moment!  It wasn't anything I WANTED to do. But, amazingly, we built this into our business partnership from here out. 

That afternoon??  JayJ sent me a repower load with exactly 450 miles that I could log by midnight.  He smirked, "I told you so", and I took the lesson to heart.

So, back to work, grueling schedule between our efforts to keep my truck rolling and earning.

Another example, similar scenario, I now saw it coming. JayJ was building me a "day off whether I liked it or not". So, I chose where I shut the truck down. Boise, Idaho.  I asked JayJ, "What shall I do?? Buy a bicycle and go touring these mountains? Tour the college campus? (OMG LOVELY!!!),,, go see Transformers 2 in IMAX????  GO to the wildlife retreat and stroll near the animals??? Go bowling?

WHAT JAY!?!?!?  WHAT DO I DO TO "FILL" MY TIME OFF!?!??!

His reply, forever etched in my brain and ways of living today.... "Just go chill. Lay on your back somewhere and watch the birds play."

That afternoon, a fulfillment of a goal of mine,  I bought the bicycle I had always wanted to use OTR as recreational exercise and personal conveyance. The dogs and I rode in the truck to the Boise River Park. Then we took the bicycle and rode it all around the college campus,, and on a trail winding in and out of the woods and river!  I bought a sandwhich and apple,, and while the boys swam in the river? I ate a picnic lunch.

And lay on my back, watching the birds play.

All of this journalling today to bring me to the Present.  I actually owe another friend or two my gratitude here. On their own, through their life by example, and their words and suggestions directly or indirectly, they have given me the BEST GIFTS of 2010 and my life to date.   They helped me find my BREATH. Meditation. Quietness. And the superb blessing in BEING PRESENT right here, right now. Feeling, experiencing RIGHT NOW.

My growth to this point has me able and ready to see the Building Blocks that these unlikely pairings of sources are revealing. Another lesson? It really shouldn't be suprising me,,, maybe it will become less of a suprise, and more of and expectant awareness?  But learning also the "CONNECTEDness we all share, if we realize and honor that.

Perhaps, JayJ and the trials and victories we went through as DM/Driver, and as Jay the man/ Jan the woman really were to my greater good?

If I am to a place, today, a gentle, forgiving Knowing... a loving Gratitude to God my Creator of ALLOWING me to know JayJ and to learn to CHILL JAN?  Then  perhaps it prepared me to hear "Pay attention to your breath, one thing at a time."

Building Blocks. Someone greater than I , all eternal had a plan and course for me all along.

He really did have his eye on the sparrow the whole time.

I've been on the mountain ledge for awhile now. Re-discovering my breath, my writing, my expression, my joy in the DANCE, my passions, my creativity, and my burdens for others.  I will even venture to say here, I am "finding me"....  who I am now, and who I was meant to be all along. Fearfully and wonderfully made.

Loving.  So open to all possibilities. Cleansing, healing tears flowing as I SEE this and acknowledge the POWER here.

Ready to soar in new ways, with wings as eagles in 2011 and Beyond,
Grateful and peaceful,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

What A Song!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2diIeBEmvWw
Five Finger Death Punch-"Far From Home"

Great song in a great album, enjoy. [Lyrics] Verse 1 Another day in this carnival of souls Another nights ends, end as quickly as it goes The memories are shadows; ink on the page And i can't seem to find my way home Chorus And it's almost like Your heaven's trying everything You.......

Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them. Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891 Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 - 1900

Moved a weight around in my chest. It's still there. It just shifted. Not sure what to do or where to go next.
Was COMPLETELY blindsided. And OH!! I hate being snuck up on!!!

Wow,,, go to sleep now? Riiiiight.
jmo
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The episode of my favorite TV show that I watched, tonight it wasn't about the murders this time. It was about the family of the killer.
In the end, an adult woman whose father was a serial killer  when she was in elementary school,  asked what was wrong with her that she couldn't hate her father?

This hit me soooo hard!  I ask myself ALL THE TIME
 "HOW can you forgive your dad?"

"WHY can't you forgive your mother?"

Both haunt me.  I can forgive so much,, and I do try,, to forgive her, even thought she is freaking clueless and still turns her back to me.  The correct order of roles was reversed somehow?  I had to protect HER??!!  WTH!

I want peace,, especially before she goes,, but she doesn't know,, or care,,, that I have ought with her.

Once, when I was in junior high I asked her, what would she do if she knew Dad was doing something to Michael or me? Her response was swift, full of venom and distorted her features- "I WOULD KILL HIM!"

Well, alrighty then, *itch!!! YOU  chose to never be around!! YOU chose to drop me off!  YOU chose to not SEE me!!  YOU chose to not take care of things.... and YOU want to kill HIM!??!  Like Heck! 

So,,, i kept my silence...
In the TV episode tonight??? The daddy kills the mom.
UGH!!!!

Musing In A Year-End Kind Of Way

Well, I have alot on my mind. One of those shot gun blast kind of ramblings. Maybe this is normal at the end of one year, beginning of the next? 

Looking back, celebrating victories and discoveries, lamenting losses and failures, forgiving myself and others and seeking their forgiveness of me.  Sometimes a sigh of regret of goals not met, fears not faced, hurdles not conquered. Other times, a spontaneous WHOOP of laughter or exultation for following through and championing the Impossible dream.

Of course, looking ahead. Always, daily, grateful I can close a day, breathe deeply, release fully and giving the day into hands and ways much more powerful than my own. New resolutions are not an annual occurrence for me. They are a continuous pruning, hewning, and shaping of myself and my shifting, honing goals for myself. I choose to grow and learn and make mistakes and explore. I HAVE to stay moving, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually to remain dynamic, vibrant and ALIVE!!

Yes, a new year is a marker of new slates, goals, plans, and expectations. I just don't make it my only outlet.  In many ways, I live RIGHT NOW. Very spontaneous and always up for fun or new things.  My goals do not frighten me when they are broken into smaller, bite size pieces.  It's far more productive for me to SUCCEED several small times towards a bigger picture, than it is for me to get lost in the details and swamped my momentary setbacks. Rolling with the flow, so I don't disappoint myself and end up stopping, lost as to where to go from here.

I will concede that 2010 was MONUMENTAL and PIVOTAL in my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!    I became aware of people in new and outstanding ways. I met some for the first time ever, reconnected with others, and deepened my walk with even more people.  I've pushed back on the NUMBER of contacts and selectively surrounded my thought life, communications, and conversations with people that encourage me, nurture me, challenge me, inspire me, and support my life as it is this very second and what it is becoming in the near future. Also, carefully chosen and nurtured my support-network of motivators, advisers, and checkpoints.

Furthermore, I have widened myself to reaching others.  I think I am beginning to hear words such as "aura".  I dunno about all of that, but I am becoming more in tune with the spiritual world, specifically, The Spirit of God.  He leads me to friends and to strangers and directs my words, thoughts, actions. God has invested much in me by way of Life Experiences and is now calling them to action to assist others. He pours blessings of finances, knowledge, revelations, health, and sensitivity into me and I channel it back out as fast as I can to the lost, the wounded, the lonely, the hurting, the drifting peoples of the world around me.

2010 saw me reach an exhaustion  point in my own life. I had to call a halt and take months off to heal in all ways. I had to stop all activities and wait on God to redirect my life.  Much as a toy or model train set races in circles, chasing its tail, it occasionally jumps the track and lays on its side, wheels still spinning, stack still smoking. It takes a reset. A Conductor to lift it right again and realign its wheels on the tracks at a specified junction.  Same concept. I had to sleep until my body and God healed much of myself.  Then as I began to stir and stretch gingerly to see what needs attention right now, God moved obstacles and opened doors.

Then from about September to Present, I have been completely awakened to new and bigger offerings of the spiritual world.  A combination of inputs from unexpected sources, I am zipping through a new learning curve like the cart on the Space Mountain roller coaster.  Like the ride at Disney, I am THRILLED to be here and am seeking the opportunities to to put myself in places and paths to learn, grow, mature, explore, and heal.


If God moves His sovereign hand tonight? I will not reject healing or enlightenment. If he offers me 2011 and sends me to continue my quest for knowledge, revelation, understanding and service? Then He will give me grace and ability to go through each lesson.

I am excited to see what is already within me, patiently awaiting my discovery and release of self-imposed bondage.  I am trembling with excitement to see where the new ways and ideas will take me next.

Eager to serve others and God more fully and with greater compassion, gifts, and bounty.  I KNOW HE HAS GREATNESS IN STORE!

Ready to close this letter, wind down, meditate (ahhh,, the BEST gifts of 2010 was to find my BREATH and MEDITATION) and fall asleep knowing I have done my best today, I hold no ill, and I am thankful for everything.  I've researched and previewed the details to my last gift to me of 2010- - -   Conquering the wind.

Invigorated by the Journey,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Oceans of Inspiration

After an OVER THE TOP blessed Christmas, I am back in SoFL on Dania Beach at the pier.  It's a chilly 52 degrees and windy.  Not another soul to be seen.  I had to layer up to enjoy it,, but Vitamin D is still abundant!  Chapstick and lotion are my friend :)

Today is a WRITING DAY... I have been buzzing,,, THROBBING with inspiration for the last couple of days and today, I came here to pour my heart and soul out into words. Perhaps, I will be able to share some of it, although some if it will be between me and Almighty God.

I will share right now, even before I "process" and tabulate all my recent revelations, self-discoveries and  gratitude laden blessings, that I have begun healing.  Some of you know my serious medical needs.  And yes, I mean that healing has begun. 

I'm sure those same people are also aware of the critical needs of my soul and emotions and spiritual man.  Be encouraged!!  I have had portals opened and great floods of Change and Direction POURED into me , like this ocean roaring to my right!

So stay tuned in.  My prayers are for clarity, humility, and grace for myself. For you, I pray peace, health, prosperity, wisdom, and contented joy.

All my love ,,, yes,, the L-word,,, I have so much lathered into me,, it is coming out :)

Ahhhh,, humor, joy and the Dance!

Inspired and writing,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Whoops

ok, I got bored. Actually, I had a "bad" experience at dinner.  A long work day. Not feeling the greatest.  Caved in to taking a work assignment for Thursday that everything in my gut is screaming NOOOOOO about.

Concerned for being alone entirely over the holiday.

waaah waaah waaah....

then as I experiemented with "CHANGES" to the blog set up?? I somehow lost the old tried and true template.  This one is too dark, hard to read.

Before I throw the laptop out the window?? Since it didnt' do anything wrong? LOL.. I am taking my grumpy goat self to bed.  And will FIX the blog later.

Maybe not before Christmas though.  If all goes well?? I will be tuning out Friday-Monday.

Bahhumbug :)

No, really, got plans to be out on my boat in the Winter Haven Chain of Lakes.  Prolly do the really lame single person trick of going to the movies the night of the 25th.

Got my wine corkscrew in my travel bag!!! 

See ya on the other side!
HooAhh!
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

To Coin A Phrase

Found this today in my old MySpace blog......  wow!!! THREE YEARS AGO!

I am remaining true to myself,,,, wow!!
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Dec 11, 2007


To Coin A Phrase

Current mood:blessed

The epic ....

What's in a word?

Cute phrases we pick up? One word missiles? Or one word of a healing nature? Nurture?

A lot of what I type next has a melancholy feel. Yet, that is not my current state of mind. Some of it is sent by way of an explanation, but then again a life well-lived warrants none. I jotted down bullets of ideas as I drove down the interstate in the New England states on Thanksgiving Day. Today, I do not feel the same echo of silence around me. But I wrote at a time when I felt isolated and a touch sorry for myself. There are some nuggets of truth though, and that is what I decided to share today.



"To Coin a Phrase"

11/22/07, Thanksgiving Day

            I have decided that Brer Rabbit was a wily one.  I am new to driving big rigs this year and feel very intimidated by the inherent dangers of driving on snow and ice.  Angel pointed out to me that this is not a foreign feeling for me this year.  I had to work hard throughout the process of getting my CDL to maintain my cool and my Can Do-attitude.  I was still sore from my bike wreck when it came to climbing in and out of the cab of the trucks.  Also learning to double shift and maneuver 10 gears every time a truck moved was taxing on injured bones and muscles.  I had bad habits to unlearn and new movements to memorize. A time or two I wondered aloud if I was making a mistake.  But, my grit prevailed and I determined to work it out. 

            The rewards were instantaneous.  I am driving for a company that is serious about training and the safety of its drivers through decent equipment and education.  Right away, just by flying Delta out of Orlando I saw new places, people, and things.  And OH! The adventures to date!  Of course, I can not photograph everything.  But I see wonders of nature and landscape that blow me away.

            To be honest, I am a bit homesick. Lonely perhaps. Nostalgic here on Thanksgiving. It's  not like I have many traditions left after my divorce and now empty nest.  I would be just as "alone" in my house and it would be as silent and void.  Each way has options such as more work to fill the hours.  Reaching out to those in need.  Making friends with the stillness and seeking the peace of the quiet.

            I did not cook huge meals even when at home. We all have strengths and that is not one of mine J. But I did not celebrate Thanksgiving as a big several day dinner event since 2000 and my divorce.  I think maybe we did a big dinner a time or two with Lewis. When the girls were home, they were growing up. They had to split time between their dad and I. Eventually, they had boyfriends and thus other families to share time with. A lot like it was as a newly married couple with young children.  Ole and I often spent holidays on the road traveling to visit our parents etc.  So dinner at my place is not what I miss.  In the last years, post-Lewis, the girls and I adapted.  We made the most of each moment that presents itself. We'd get dressed up and for a few hours go to a nice resteraunt etc.

            I usually worked extra shifts so folks with young kids and families could be together.  As I noted, my girls haven't been home for this holiday for years. This would have happened eventually anyway, but I admit it surprised me a year or two early. Then again, by definition of empty nest, I never would have been "ready".  This is merely factual.  As I drive this big rig today, I see motorists stranded on the side of the road and feel empathy for them.  That represents a loss of some kind.  They may be down to their last dime, and car repairs finish the devastation.  Not to mention, that connection and bond they were intending to fulfill with their loved one today.  I have a lot of blessings I know.  Think of the soldiers and other people of service.  There are the newly separated, divorced, widowed. And those sick or injured and their support network.  Many people unable to afford to celebrate and who may be struggling just to live day to day. For all that, I know my good report. That is why I wish to make it clear, I am not wallowing in self-pity. Merely reflecting.

           

            Here I find myself on Thanksgiving 2007 crossing the Hudson River and  the Tappan Zee bridge while a huge boat passes under me. Who'd a thunk this when I was a burned out night auditor scraping to get by? Florida has two seasons. Hot and Warm.  The north has two also. Winter and Construction.  This contributes to my mood today. I miss the South. The genteel and mellow ways that are absent in the hustle up north.  New England especially is a haughty breed and they cram the volume of Los Angeles into confining spaces, narrow roads and unfriendly exteriors.  The scenery though is amazing and is a redeeming factor.

            I have referred to myself as Florida Cracker.  Be sure, this is NOT a racial thing!!!   This is a frame of mind.  Carl Allen in Auburndale, Florida personified the Down Home of the South in his Cracker House resteraunt.  Here he reigns as king of bluegrasss.  And the memorabilia collected in that log cabin reflect a timelessness of simplicity.  Your food is served on sewing tables with real pedals still in evidence.  Your tea is served out of a mason jar and be confident, it is sweet and it is brewed, not instant out of a can. There the delicious catfish is served as it was meant to be with a side of grits brought to the table in a pan. The front porch going around the building has real wooden rockers not the cheap imitations sold at Cracker Barrel.  So if I align myself with the simple pleasures and laid back times you glimpse how I view my world.  It is a lot like the Biker Wave.  That phenomenon that when a biker, be it sports bike or cruiser, passes another, they salute with a lifted  hand  in greeting and acknowledgement.  A sense of brotherhood and camaraderie. This is absent up north and even when visitors travel to Florida for bikefests, the wave gets lost.   This contributes to the feeling of being a fish out of water.

            Remember the warmth and fun of Uncle Remus's tales on The Wonderful World of Disney? The foibles of the woodland creatures?  Like Brer Rabbit, I am learning to work the dispatch system of my company. "Please don't throw me in that briar patch. You can roast me, hang me, but please, whatever you do, don't throw me in that briar patch," he'd exclaim! And out of spite that's where he'd be flung. He'd shake off his bonds and LAFF! So here I am, in Texas having me a laffing spell. I crossed that beautiful corridor in Oregon of I-84 in the Columbia River Gorge 8 times in 4 days last month.  On the 8th  pass, I topped Cabbage Mountain eastbound to a winter wonderland. But to me, it was anything but wonderous, LOL! That extreme pure white snow and ice just freaked me out! It was visually sensational" but taxed my driving skills.  I begged to be brought to the south. Stevens did.  They sent me to Missouri.  As I breathed a sigh of relief? The next load sent me to where I am today steaming northward to a delivery in Assonet, Massachutesetts. From MA?  To Trenton, Ontario, CANADA via NEW YORK!

            Several people know from following me on my personal journey and self-explorations, I have had to work to conquer my spirit of fear.  I had to draw upon Gods Word.  Fear is not from God.  Neither is that feeling of isolation and frustration.  On my second trip into Canada I stopped in Michigan and bought myself a KJV Bible and new journal.  It was a change of mindset.  A conscious decision to stop complaining.  Quit giving into paralyzing fears of sliding and loss of control.  Angel chastised me.  She reminded me of my trepidations as I earned my CDL and also of how I was afraid to descend mountains loaded to 80,000 pounds, until one day I got under my semi with a guy trainer, and he showed me the brakes, and explained the mechanics of the transmission working to hold the engine in check from running away.  Then my trainer and I went down the mountain and at the bottom, I asked, "Was that ALL?!?" Now I approach with respect and security bred of knowledge and skill.  And Angel challenged me to do the same with snow and Ice.  I do have to say, having slid and wrecked on my bike?  I am not eager to repeat that loss of control.   I can recall several similar examples of this learning curve.  I panicked my first time SCUBA diving off the back of a perfectly good boat into heaving salt water.  But drew from Lewis' confidence in me and I linked arms with Mike, the dive guide, and I descended, locked eye to eye with Mike 60 feet to the ocean floor.  That day I sifted sand from the bottom of the ocean through my gloved hand in victory. Fear did not win a round then and has lost again.

            You guessed it. After a second stint in frozen Canada, I did not beg to be sent south. "Please don't throw me in that briar patch." And here I am today, sweating in the humidity in the south. Happily J

            Another issue I ponder?  Oh, and there are many.  I have nothing but time on my hands to dream and speculate in the confines and freedoms 24/7 of my truck cab.  Often in the wee hours of the night, while I satisfy  my wanderlust and curiousity of the world around me, part of me craves a home and a loved one. I am definitely enjoying new adventure and travel,  but part of me yearns for a home. For roots. For someone to share my life with.

            I still hunger for a friend. A companion. Specifically for a mate or lover to cuddle and touch. Someone dear to me to share the experience and journey with me.  A home to share. I am an affectionate person and I miss the security of lying with my head on my lovers shoulder.

            It seems I am standing at a crossroads in my life.  I am a wanderer who is realizing I am growing older.  As I near 40, I face a great life lived so far and questions as to my life ahead. I see it. Yet it looks like the sudden dense fog that blankets at dusk. I have trouble seeing through the mists surrounding me to the clear and right path ahead.  As for a companion? I still assert, he will have to be a special man.  One who is not intimidated by my strengths and diversity. He will have to be sound and confident in who he is so he is not threatened by our differences and similarities. I think a  fellow driver,,, yet the cab of a truck is a confined space. WHEW! You'd have to really and I do mean REALLY love and respect someone to share that tiny space. A plus if he shares my love of all things outdoors and water?  And I hope to one day ride a motorcycle again.  The guy doesn't have to fit into that mold. But by token, we need to both be secure enough to allow each other to be the man and woman we are.  And where we intersect?  That is a shared bliss. I do not think I will be content to drive OTR much longer.  I want roots.  A home. A love of my life.

            I can say with definite certainty that I unequivocally love Angel and Alisha as they are today. This goes deeper than just a mothers love.  It is an acknowledgement of the young women of integrity and high standards that they are and the women of purpose they are becoming. In this, I led by example, and I accept that I did a fine job as a parent.  I do still see them in my minds eye all ponytails and bounce, but I recognize and relate to them now as grown adults finding their way in this world of possibilities.  I cherish the friendship and bond we share.  And accept, that we each live our lives now, separate, yet crisscrossing.  I may have given them a nest to fly and launch from, but they gave me desire to fly and air to fill my wings.

            To sum it all up?  I have grown wise to enjoy the journey and self-discovery.  I have good days and bad, as we are all permitted to do.  But it is the decision to prosper from the knowledge gained that counts.  I am returning to my earlier ways of not sweating the petty stuff.  Through trial and error I gain skill and confidence with each new task.  I hunger for the touch and bond of a companion. I marvel at my nations people and vistas.  I seek roots and place to call home. I am less sentimental over "THINGS" such as keeping a house just because it is filled with reminders of my past life with my girls. And I need a spell of dancing like I do, when no one is watching me….

            Thank you for reading my missive. I am well.  I am blessed. I am an Over The Road truck driver.  Happy holidays and may you enjoy this time with your loved ones and prosper in the new year.

~JAN~

AhhhEEEEeee!!! Geuax Saints in Mississppi!

December Greetings!!! As I work my way through a week that has already given me much in the ways of opportunities to grow in God and to be more like Him in HIs character?  I am reminded by the Spirit that the CHRISTmas season is all about what has already been given,, in the person of Christ Jesus.... and of seeing each other, our lives, our world the way HE sees it. I am reminded when I am short of temper or patience with another? He would not act the way I have. I have a choice in this. Let the healing begin here, with me.

We can all point to our challenges.  What keeps us awake at night? Who is on our prayer list, every time? Who stirs us to compassion as we brush shoulders in a world full of busy people?

Many people are hurting inside. This may not show. They may compensate by being brusque. Funny. Always down. Always up. Some close in to themselves. Some reach out more.

I am amazed at the GOODNESS GOD HAS POURED INTO ME BY THE RIVERS!!!!   Yes, I am alone, at a time of year that typically is celebrated by parties, assemblies, family gatherings.  But, I am alive this year again. Well able to work. Blessed this year with the regional job I now work for.

And daily, minute by minute, I look around me for windows to open, for doors to show their knob & for the courage to twist it.  I have embarked on a self-help Journey to finding true love (love of myself), true happiness (to be residing in  happy, not just in a moment, person, or thing), to choosing to love more fully, to forgive all injustices, to give myself some space and slack to make mistakes so that I may learn from them.

Gifts of people, places, things, that I may share my knowledge of God and Truth. That I may be God's hands, feet, voice, HIS laughter and his embracing arms to another.  To give them monetary gifts or tangible items from my bountiful blessings that run out of my being.

Below is a cute note written at a truck stop in Southern Mississippi last night.  I had a wonderful blessing of being loved by my fellow man and they brightened my day.  Let the JOY of the season, the Spirit of Giving in this simple story from the road give you a lift and a smile!
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Brookhaven, MS Sunday night


Grooving to a radio station that has played songs from "Sweet Home Alabama" , Peter Frampton and that song where the guitar talks, to "Here Without You" RUSH!!! "Limelight" to "Sleigh Ride" with a female jazz singer and incredible full band sound to "Centerfold"! My my my!!! Mix it up!!!! Huge grin!!! Earlier in ATL was scattin' and funkin' with the black folks on their themed jazz, Blues, R&B station!!

The happy-ness of this evening is being in the TRUE South!! Florida doesn't count, such a melting pot. GA, parts of it. Beginning in SC, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisianna, Texas,,, it is like tonight, went inside the truck stop, as I came out, the young clerk opened the door for me "Ma'am, you have a nice night. Be safe out there and Merry CHristmas."

In a world of microwaves??? Tonight, after only 475miles got to my delivery. I had parked at Wesson, MS where I am now, about 12 miles from del. For some reason (spirit prompting) I decided to look again at the load assignment. WOW!!! Instead of 1300 on 12/20???? It was 0100 on 12/20!!!!!!! I was aiming to be 12 hours late, sitting on it!!!! My goodness! So I called them, a Wal-Mart Dist Center and he said I can come anytime since it is a drop and hook.

When I show up, two good ol' boys as guards. The older distinguished gentleman says "Hey! I know you! You just called me! How are you?"

The other younger guy, eating, mumbles, "Hi, I 'm doing okay too."

I ask, "HEY! IS THAT RED BEANS AND RICE????? It looks like it came from cooking all day, slow and sweet in a crock pot, not a microwave?"

Old guy, Mike, says, "would you like some? Bowl's over there."

Sure enough, an oblong crock pot full of RB&R and sausage, 2 kinds.

Mike tells me to get some cornbread too. Says his wife had made that up for them. I'm telling you, glass plate, homemade cornbread muffins, covered in foil,,, a red velvet cake on a platter,,, the crock pot... OMG!!!

I stand there and dig in,,, the younger guy wipes sweat from his forehead (I didn't catch on fast enough,,,,) ,,, Barton says, "There's deer sausage in there along with the link.,,,,,,, you aint allergic to anything are ya?"

OH DEAR GAWD!! Good thing I am NOT allergic to anything!!! LOL I was half through the bowl!!! And it wasnt spicy,, not like Barton's sweating and eyes watering made it seem. Whew! Close call ;-)

I go make my drop, hook to an empty,,,, I was going back to the truck stop in Wesson to get dinner at the 24 hr diner,, now I am fed and happy. I asked Mike, "Sir? I saw that was your last bowl. Do you need some?? I have some in my truck and don't want to take your last one?"

He said he had more,, but "Would you like some of the Red Velvet cake too? c'mon back inside!"

Then Barton, Mike and I got to talking,, I said I recognized the RB& R from the 11 years at Ft.Polk, LA,,, where we are tonight is only 130 miles to New Orleans on I-55 south. Barton's brother served the same time we were there!!! I told him since we were in the band, we travelled the entire South on tour,,,, commands and all the festivals, everyone wants to appreciate the soldiers by feeding them,,,, thus the RB&R....

He said,"you want to appreciate a soldier? Feed them a hot meal." I said, "yes, if one is in line behind me??? I pay for them."

You know??? I just love the generosity and free spirit of Southerners... I told Mike to tell the "Missus thank you". He said "well, come for a homecooked meal anytime."

WOW!!! People just slay me with their openness,,, if you let them,, they will bless you!!!
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Blessed and a knowing of this making me smile,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

As The Lights Go Out In Georgia

Dallas, TX (This time last year, I was hiding under a bridge to shield my satellite location from JayJ)

It has been a long, slow, fast week. Realizing, that makes no sense. Being under the weather, it seems the time drags by. Each beat of my heart, or flash of pain takes an eternity to pass.

Yet, I was just in Cooper City, enjoying the luxurious hotel. Not only king bed, hot tub etc.  But the thing had GLASS glasses instead of plastic!!  WOW!!

Anyway, since I have been such a slacker at work this week, I chose to stay out OTR this weekend. Tonight, I sit on the outside of a Sears building in Hinesville, GA (Ft. Stewert). The alley to be exact. I arrived about an hour ago.  As I defuse to begin a night of resting, I am sitting here playing Tim Janis, "Water's Edge" cd with Alchemy for soothing visualizations.  The neighboring businesses are turning off their lights, one by one. It's now 10:30pm. The sidewalks are rolling up.

Really surprised during my rural drive tonight how FEW homes or businesses are decorated for Christmas.  Not many lights at all.  I have a tiny fiber optic tree, but it is in storage. I kept thinking I would get back there.

Oh well. Not much in the spirit.  If I were purely selfish, I would say my personal Christmas gift wish list for me would have Top 3 as 1-Health 2- Family 3- Home.   See?  I think too much about myself. When I should be reaching out, giving to others.  Who have I dwindled to becoming?

I am feeling "lost" lately.  Like a boulder roaring down a canyon side. Out of control.  So much I have no effect over. This is scaring the heck out of me.  I am racing down a path that is so bumpy and twisty.  My headlight switch says they are on and functioning, but I can only see a few feet in front of me.  Just enough to see an obstacle at the moment of impact as I smash into it.  Forget knowing what is around the next bend.  I am as lost as a sugar ant in a snow storm.

I think I am supposed to be grateful for the change,, or sitting back, enjoying the trip?? Sorry!  Not to that point yet! I crave,,,,,  roots, stability, home, love, health. Selfish ... sigh.

Thankful for internet friends, family, social networking and for my POCC family.  They made November so special, and way less painful than holidays usually are. Christmas? So much is unknown day to day in my lifestyle and job.  I don't know where I will be or if I dare to make plans?

Secret wishes for how I would like this year's season to play out. Still, little control over the actuality.

First day back to real work all week.  I thought maybe a relatively short 300 miles day? Mentally prepared my fortitude for that 6-7 hours.  Hmmmm.. 478 miles and 14 hours work later???  I am beat,, still weak and in  severe fever. It's in my back again, the most miserable of all, because then it affects my breathing.  Labored and shallow.

I'm not down though, just treading water, Keeping my head and chin up.  Looking for chances to sing - I did that several hours today.  Opportunities to laugh?  Every time I turn around!  If I am not dancing? I am hearing beats that make me wish I were.

Hoping a good night's rest will make me even stronger for tomorrow?

Good night, and may your dreams be full of light, joy, peace, and contentment.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Still Here and There

It's been a day or so since I have entered into the blog.  No real reason. Not over busy at work. Not any one thing I can pinpoint.  A myriad of Life Experiences.  Learning to be grateful for every turn in my roads. So fallible.  So human.

For a long time, I thought I was making progress in the equilibrium of the chaos of my life, health, relationships, P-P-F, spiritual walk, etc.

I'm still not ready to fully discuss what all happened the weekend of December 4, 2010 when I went to see Angel. I am still trying to weed out the blessings from among the thorns.  I was a TERRIBLE person... and it just breaks my heart. I can't do that again. EVER.

The up-side is that this weekend of Dec 11-12th was out of this world amazing!  Angel and I both have bittersweet gifts of forgiving, trusting souls.... and it stood us in good stead!  Then to share a part of our lives (church) with my brother, Michael???  Was just unspeakeable glory and abundant merciful grace.

Also, not able to share the details of this time either.

Matter of fact, not sure why I am writing here, this minute at all????  I have so many scraps of paper,, journal pages, notes began on the word processor, email drafts to myself, that I didn't even send TO ME.... I am bound up in knots in my words.

That is another sad thing,, I had been doing SO GOOD to let all the scars and wounds get healing air.... and I screwed up so bad that I am ashamed to even write it.

ALthough, it happened?? It just tears me apart.

I sat in my truck, for more than an hour today. Mesmerized, turning my hands over, and over, and over.  Looking at the scars. Plenty to look at. Callouses, scars, disfigurements.

Of special note were the injuries 1 yr, 2 yrs, a decade old. How did they heal? At what point did infection or injury turn the corner to new tissue, stronger joints, bones, skin? I remember each step. Especially the March 2009 Dallas-born, crescent shaped scar where I had nine stitches, lost a piece of bone, and GOD grew a new joint UP to meet the knuckle line, and then GOD closed an infected, swollen, fevered, oozing wound that wouldn't even support stitches.

How did I get here? When did I lose control?
So,, there is a a damn dam in my spirit where only recently I had pulled my finger out of the dyke and the hell inside broke loose in a fury, a raging torrent of words,  and then formed to a more meaningful river,,,

now?  i am still here.  Still going there. 

One day,,, one breath,,,, one decision.... one at a time.

Janet M. Olsen
~J~