Fall

It's that time of year where transition is expected.  In the case of Autumn colors, it may be welcome to signal the end of summer's heat. If you don't like to shovel snow, perhaps you are musing again about the Florida or other southern getaways?

I've become aware over the recent years how simple Change is to me. It is always Present, always flowing, and it's up to me to master my responses. As a person, I've come a long ways. I've had a tuck and roll approach to much of Life and that serves me well. It's time for Change again.

The cliches wander around my head. "Why make someone a priority in your life, when you are only and option in theirs?" "What am I holding onto that is no longer serving me?" Is it an address? A person? A job? An ideal?

The above list is where I am today.  Where do I want to live? Why? How much do I want to invest there? How long? How much is TOO much to take? What can I live with and accept as reasonable? What is my value, my worth? What are my needs and my responsibilities?

Who? What? Where? Why? How much? How long? What next?

One of the perks of my job is not knowing very far in advance what direction I will travel next. I don't know how long I will stay in an area or where I will spin to when one task is done. In my early 40's, I am beginning to think more often about retirement and insurance needs for the hazy "future".  I am already wishing I had taken better care of my body all along, and wondering how far will it hold out?

The same job though, also ensures I have no roots. No place to go. No attachments. You can't just up and STOP driving or working, because there is no where to land when the momentum runs out.

Much of my energy is wasted on people, places, things that have no effect on my future. I used to ask myself "Will it matter in 20 years?" I find myself wondering if today was worth my interest in a person, in a place or in an item I can hold. 

I still have two storage units full of  things that point back to "when I had a family". From the handmade Christmas ornaments, to the trophies and school mementos, I have rooms full of STUFF and I have not seen it all in years, and the people that share those memories have not seen them in many years. Why do I keep paying to store the Past? I don't know. Simply, I don't know.

I've learned that in order to move on, to be fully present, to be open to what God has next, I must first clear my mind, heart, soul and inner spaces to make room for new.  Prayer, meditation, and sorting the daily, weekly, monthly, yearly chatter in my mind, memories, current events, etc is required. Since I live and work alone, I write alot. Dance. Sing. Reach out to others.

There are certain times where I know or learn something. I really have no one-size-fits all outlet. Back to prayer, meditation, and personal writings. Right now, I have a huge burden of a knowledge entrusted into my care, that I can not tell anyone.  I've been in that place several times in my life, and I remember how the silence can be damaging. The Process is painful. And the end result is just another chapter.

I feel like the bent reed. God says he will not break the bent reed, or put out the smoking flax.  I've come this year into questioning my faith, my values, my loyalties, my honor, and myself.  I come up wanting.

I welcome Autumn. As I drive, the views are paintings on God's pallet with hues and wonders I can not comprehend nor capture in mere pixels and words.

An admission? I do not welcome winter. Already beginning to dread the earthly annual season, its challenges and discomforts, I also see a spiritual winter just ahead. Two years ago, I went sky diving for fun. Letting go, and simply falling was the neatest, most trusting experience I have ever encountered. I get a part of that thrill and trust when I ride motorcycles, and when I SCUBA dive. My problem is trusting in me, others, and laws that be,,, and not trusting wholly in God. He created me. He knows my beginning, my end, and my current wishes, hopes, and dreams.

Longing to fall again.....

Jan M. Olsen
~Jan~