Recently I had a bittersweet visit with my daughter and two grandboys in Colorado. Now, the family time, bonding, sharing was essential and beautiful. It was an intervention visit though, and gives me mixed feelings. Somewhere along this path, I have lost my words to write or express my personal reality. This is a non-tangible injustice, and THIS I can focus my angst and frustrations upon with a vengeance. I can be mad at myself and my frailties as a human, and give generously of love, forgiveness and more love to those outside. Right off the bat, I am not able to find much for which to be “grateful” in any way more meaningful than a surface platitude. This is so out of character for me, that this pain alone is stealing my joy and breath at times.
At this moment I question “Why?!” in a most angry, and wounded way. It does not help to know that I join everyone along the way at some point. I try to convince myself that my questions are honest conversations between God and myself, and not representations of doubt or unbelief in my sovereign, just God. Then again, what is my Truth right now?
Anger is such a bitter root. It is so uncharacteristic of me to be angry more than a five minute temper. Then to live in a space of anger and anxiety is sapping me, when truly, I am “needed” more now than ever. At risk of “FAILING” to be of use to God, self, or others, I am in a pain and fire in my heart, soul, and spirit. At odds with myself, I am consumed with just getting by, no longer able to even visualize the bright future or the cloud of rain the size of a man’s hand.
I hurt.
How dumb for me to hurt. How insensitive and arrogant. This is crippling to me when others look to me to be the bringer of light or positive to a dark situation. When does righteous anger and indignation turn to vindictive rant or vigilante justice? It is not up to me to judge a man or situation, merely to champion what is right, good, and pleasing to God. I do not look good to myself toting a pitchfork and lantern of a witch hunt. Instead, I hurt inside for ALL involved.
My tears are bitter and feel like fire. I cry them alone, in my most secret place. To share them would be to hinder, not to help another. Why would I be a stumbling block, instead of a hand to help raise someone to the Light? This goes against my every calling or hope in this life.
There is an older, gentle song by a group named 4HIM titled simply “Why”. Here are a few of the words to this ballad:
They say that into every life Some rain must fall
For the pain is no respector Of the mighty or the small
But sometimes It just seems so Unfair
To see the One who’s had More than His share
Oh it makes you wonder why…
For the pain is no respector Of the mighty or the small
But sometimes It just seems so Unfair
To see the One who’s had More than His share
Oh it makes you wonder why…
And Lord, I wouldn’t second guess Your mighty plan
For I know You have a purpose That’s beyond the scope of man
If You look inside my heart You will find
That I have always been The Trusting kind
Oh but still I wonder
CHORUS
Why
Do the rainy days have to come
When the storm clouds hide the sun
I wanna know why
Why
When the reasons aren’t clear to me
When it all is a mystery
I want to know why
And though down here
I may not understand
I won’t let go
Of the Unseen hand
For It holds the reasons why
The Lord has never been afraid Of honest prayers
And He won’t allow the burden To be more than you can bear
When He knows that you’re trust Is in Him
He doesn’t mind the questionsNow and then
Even if you wonder….
Why.
So, in a secret shame, I admit now to wondering “WHY”. Why did mankind imbibe the Original sin, that cast the seeds onto us all? Why do murderers, rapists, abusers or thieves exist, much less go free to TAKE from another? Why does sickness such as cancer or dementia run rampant? Why death? Why harm to others? Why the innocent, God? Huh? Why?!
I KNOW it is not up to me to question God, or to judge. Overall, my personality is of a lover, not a fighter. Of peace, not of dissention. Of hope, not of despair. Circumstances lately have me weary and asking honest questions of WHY.
In a vulnerable moment, I will admit here that I have physical pain regularly that is unexplained and unchecked by modern medicine. I have been the victim of abuse, and know many others also. I live alone, partly by choice, partly because I do not see any other way. This latest attack of WHY, though, stems from ordeals my two daughters are experiencing RIGHT NOW. Their privacy is tantamount. This blog is not about revealing their circumstances. I am merely Processing my own feeling, beliefs, and pain regarding the WHYs in Life.
Blessed to spend ten days with my daughter and two grandsons, I had a very poignant moment. The older boy, Jeremiah is almost 2 years old. He is precocious and smart. He does things calculated to get attention, be it negative or positive. He is old enough to premeditate to a degree, to be sneaky, to tempt our good sense of humor. Yet, he has been holding pure expression inward. So young. This is sad to me. When he became comfortable, and relaxed to being in a loving, caring, nurturing, SAFE environment, he became a babbling brook. He snuggles, he is generous, he is selfish as only a two year old can be , he is lively and amuzing.
But it was a particular photograph I took of the younger boy, Terran that rocked me to my core. I “verbalized” my inner thoughts briefly, and have been vexxed by them ever since. Terran is almost 7 months old. Very slight of build, the pure skin and breath of the innocent child that merely cries when he is hungry, wet, scared or hurt.
Terran does not (yet) seem to know how to manipulate to get his “way”. He lives to smile, chew, sleep, and reach out to touch you. It was in a moment captured on digital image, that I saw the face of God…. I saw the potential mankind has. And I realized, that this is one of the last moments of his innocence. Soon, he will adapt and surround himself with survival and vie for position in our world of “ME FIRST”. That may perhaps be the last gentle image… before he becomes like every other person.
It’s likely that Life will toughen him up. This realization made me sad inside my core being. Oh how I long for Life and God to generously allow us to retain our innocence, our gentleness, and our simple joy in the simple pleasures of touch, love, sustenance and light. Little Terran looked up at me with such awe, such love, such trust…. And does not know my feet of clay and how in some way, big or small, I will fail him along the way.
Funny how Life’s stressors can prompt reunions, reconnections, even reconciliations. I felt a need to reach out to assemble prayer warriors, strong arm champions, and a wide range of people to complement each other to bring a balance of perspective, talents, resources into my recent “crisis”. Maybe the world did not need more marshmellows in the Justice department like me. Maybe it needs less of the bitter and the fervent retalitory soldiers of self-named Right and Wrong. Prayer and a return to the Basics seemed to be in order. And reminding first myself, then Others to practice Love- Gratitude- Forgiveness even when faced by a night so black it hurts.
In this moment, a few people asked me questions I found to be odd. They asked how I am holding up, how I am taking things, how and I doing? My answer is swift and sure, and I mean it with all of my heart. I have FAITH in GOD to be just, and real, and soveriegn.
But inside, when the babies are fed, clean, snuggled and loved into bed….. and when my girl collapses exhausted in a heap on the bare carpet, with her shoes still on,,,, or when she breaks and pours the tears that are such a proven vital part of the Process….. I am angry, I am hurting, I am asking WHY,Dammit, WHY!!!
This makes me cry to admit it in print. Can you only imagine the angst it causes me as I stand humbled and broken before God? The choking and drowning sensations of not knowing what do I REALLY believe in after all?
I want to have the Right Answers. I want to be of great help and service. I want justice to prevail, in God’s complete understanding of the FINAL, ETERNAL outcomes.
I just want release and respite. I know I am not alone, when the hard times come. People go through mountains and valleys all the time. Like I told my daughter in a conversation about my divorce over a decade ago, “It did not help me to hear “I know how you feel. I’ve been there”. I did not want ANYONE to feel the pain I feel. I am also not alone because friends, family and loved ones rally in all the ways unique to people with finances, suggestions, prayers, advice…. Talking to a second cousin on the phone who is close in age to my own children drove this point home. We are truly all connected. Not one of us is alone. We are all valid and unique. We respond and offer ourselves in myriads of ways, often depending upon the stage of the Process we are in.
What am I blessed or grateful for in this recent “trial”? That my daughter and I reuinited in October 2010 and the groundwork was laid ahead of time for our joining forces to overcome adversity now. I am grateful nothing is as bad as it seems or as it could be. I am blessed to know spiritually that God is at work on very INDIVIDUAL basis and he has a Plan and Purpose for EVERYTHING if we will let Him work and BE GOD. I am grateful for resources of time, money, presence and history to be available to be there by my daughter’s side at a very critical juncture of her life.
Each of us will stand at a crossroads of decision at some point in our life. How we cope, how we respond, how we trust in God is our own individual Journey of Faith, Hope, and Amazing Grace. For now, this evening after I have returned to work to face frustrations there and my sadness to leave my loved ones for another chapter, I am processing. I am not very gentle with myself. And OH GOD! I hurt inside with anger and indignation and I feel so inadequate and alone.
I am mad at God, at certain people, and at my own shortcomings! But I am going to bow down and give these honest feelings and questions of WHY to God. I will have every intention of placing myself fully on the altar and of surrendering me – the need to control. The need to KNOW and the need that is inherent within me to FIX or HELP. Those last few were never my gift to give – they are a God trait. Who knows, I may get peace soon.
God knows. He knows the reason WHY.
I am including a You Tube link to 4 Him and their song “Why”. Enjoy. If you feel led to pray for us reach out to me or to someone God places on your heart, I humbly ask you to obey. Be slow to anger, slow to judge, and quick to offer love, mercy, and a hand to connect someone to God.
((In my own stubborn desire to yell YOP and be heard? I am not going to scroll up to edit or proofread this blog. My thoughts are mine for this space in Time. The grammar can be overlooked, if you know that I have the best at my core being.))
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
