When I Don't Know What To Say....

.....  it doesn't mean I have it all together or am at peace. 

Although, that being the gut honesty of it all?  I am still kicking furiously to stay afloat. So far, it is working.  I am here again today.

Until yesterday, I had been thoroughly enjoying a season of peace, quiet, blessings, and gratitude.  I had begun to test out the ideas of letting love in or out of me.  Concerned now that I had grown lulled and complacent, I trusted "Life" with too much of me. Will I ever learn? Seems not.

Yesterday I was assailed boom - boom- BOOM with input.  JCT/ HAEI/ Stevens/ FFE ,,,, and JayJ.

Yeah, that's right. THAT JayJ. 

 Finally, I had taken all the hits I could absorb, closed the books on a very troubled day.  To unwind and try to let it all go, I drifted into the musical arms of Wayman Tisdale, smooth jazz.

However, when I went to bed after a long day at work, I had a physical ache in my chest.  Uncertainties, memories,  fears,,, in the middle of the night, I found myself rubbing my breastbone in great pain of an old broken bone.  I remembered a recent time when breathing was dangerous to my concealment, painful to my body, and not anything I wanted to continue,,, but like an ocean's tide it kept coming in, going out, coming in, going out.  I could only hold it back for so long, and the pent up fury of release was often more effort than if I had just let it be.  I know the terrors to be Mind Monsters, and I know I "failed" to take away their teeth.  Tired smile here.

Aware that opportunities present themselves when least expected, they may come with a tinge of fear.  That fear can be healthy, if it is just a sign that I am straining to stay with the Known.  I am well-acquainted with that kind of propulsion fuel to move into new dimensions and unchartered Possibilities.

 This Present Fear is a forfeiture of my safety in the  physical or emotional.  I am being hunted like an animal. A strong word for that is stalked, and here I go again, making excuses for being here in the first place.

Today, the Present, I am stopped at a dead standstill.  I admit it, I use work to numb me out, and just keep going.  Often, it's easier to apply the 20 minute, 20 year rule that way.  Truck drivers earn money by miles driven, not sitting due to poor driver utilization.  Yes, I think too much, too deep 24/7 but it is extra hyperdrive when I am just sitting!

Then again, do I trust God as I think I do???  Does he have me in his view, his hands, and his plans? Or not?  Days like today make me walk the talk .  It IS NOT ABOUT THE MONEY!!!  It's about sitting in BFE with nothing to do, no good reason to sit here, just GROUNDED like an errant child!  Not because of truck or driver issues, but because my company failed to plan to use my truck and driver resources with any competency at all.  The places I might visit on a day off are unavailable to my 70ft combination vehicle. I am just STUCK!  And obviously I am grumpy about it!

I must say, even grouchy as I am today, God uses unusual media to whisper to my spirit.  Text messages TODAY from a lady with 4 kids that has lost her job and is  going though a divorce, puts me in my whiny place.  I am blessed.  Flip the coin, and JayJ texted me again and has inserted himself in my work and daily living to tell me where I should live, work, play.

Just when I am ready to turn my phone off to tune out the bad influences?

A Facebook friend and mentor, Matt Maddix, posts out of the blue "The longer I travel this journey, the more that I value quiet and thinking time. God usually will speak when we are still." #mattmaddixmotivations.


  I realize that I am so accustomed to self-made constant fire and ice motion in my life, that I was basically just told by God and his ambassador to "sit down and shut up"... God wants to speak.

A moment later, another Facebook friend, Tim Janis posts a photo he took today of his cat, Reno, taking time to smell the lilacs.  And I am chastened again, to STOP.

Stop moving. Stop thinking.  Stop complaining.  Stop planning.

 Stop trying to make E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G make sense. 

As another friend taught me in recent months, "Let it go. Rest.  The greatest thing God created was the day of rest."  My humble gratitude here.

Time for the best quote of all, God himself speaking in HIS word:  2 Corinthians 13:1
 This [is] the third [time] I am coming to you. In the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established.

I can hear the Verizon guy quipping "Can you hear me now????"

The surprising turn of events and contacts has me feeling like a bug must as his hiney goes through his ears as he hits my windshield.  Amazing, how a mood can turn from top of the world, to fear or black mistrust of Life in a snap or a text.

I do have a choice, though.  I can stay here.  Or I can face this moment, just as it presents itself.  Stay with it.  Feel and experience it all. The trick is to not STAY there, in pain, but after identifying and processing it, to CHOOSE to shift and direct myself back to what inspires, heals, loves and nurtures me.

I really was believing and liking all the recent love and light and peace.  This bad spot in the road can NOT be what is meant for me to accept.  It can only be a lesson.

So when I do not know what to say?  It is clear. It is time to say nothing at all.  Thank you Matt Maddix (and  4year old Phoebe).  I will be quiet in God.

Thank you, Tim Janis and Reno the feline teacher, I will be STILL and experience my Present Moment with all of my senses. I will enjoy God speaking to me with inaudible whispers of love and blessings.

I will CHOOSE to rest in God, in His safety, in his nourishment and seek Him while he may be found.  Staying Present and open, malleable to the Potter.

I will leave my heart and mind open as fallow ground to the Master Gardener, weeding out the distractions and pain.

I will choose to forgive. Again, I will forgive again. Then I will let go. I do not have to stay here. I can make today to pop with potential and possibilities.

Thankful for the brave influences of those that speak THEIR truth, never knowing where it affects another by imitation or emulation.

Already, the ache in my chest is of releasing my held breath, exhaling out the dusty cloud of pain and fear, and of relief to have stayed the course.  Love. Gratitude. Forgiveness.

When I don't know what to say?  God knows.

Quiet, still, listening,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~