My Intentions for 2011 were simple – No Fear. To celebrate my victories of 2010, I went skydiving in West Palm Beach, Florida on New Year’s Eve. I then joined my church family at Pentecostals of Cooper City for joint prayer and gratitude for an old year, and optimistic promise for the new one ahead.
The year that is winding down of 2011 has amazed me and far exceeded all of my hopes for it! I passed my fourth anniversary as a commercial vehicle operator, my first full year with Heartland, and cheered as Angel graduated USF with her Bachelors degree, Terran was born in Colorado to my Alisha and Jeremiah turned one year old.
On a very personal level, I practiced “No Fear” by opening my heart. I shared my hurts, triumphs, hopes, prayer requests and blessings with a very special band of warriors. When I got myself out of the way, surrendered to God, and let go of the need to plan and control the details, my job prosperity skyrocketed in a surprising way! I was offered a chance to have a home of my own. And I began to meet new men and women that enrich my life in such a blessed give and take that I found myself opening up, trusting, letting go,,,, and falling….. leaving the past behind. WHAT A GIFT to experience the fullness of Love, Gratitude, Forgiveness and to go forward in Life making no judgments or expectations.
I fervently believe that the best gifts of 2010 were finding my breath, and learning the power of choice and renewed passions. I am not quite so definite on what the gift of 2011 will be. It was a year of letting go. Old contacts, old memories, old baggage, control, and of refusing to let fear of the Unknown hold me captive to a Plan.
Just as wonderful, though, has been letting LOVE flow in and out of me. I used to cringe, or scoff at “Much love and light” or “Happy Birthday” as superficial, rote memory responses. There are many men and women that did not give up, that loved me anyway, that lit candles, prayed, read texts and emails, sat across a table and simply was THERE for me…. And a very special few that stayed available 24/7 for prayer requests, testimonies, and exhortations. I am thinking 2011 had at least TWO specific gifts and the year is not over for a few more weeks.
I wonder, in my old way of mulling things around, what 2012 holds? I wish to remain flexible, patient, and to just deeply breathe, and let it be what it will be. It is a learned behavior on my part. I am not the family provider (never really was),,,, and I really only need to show up with a willing heart, open mind, and humble spirit. Today, in particular I am tired in body, weary of spirit, in need of family and home time. I give my love, resources and support to many… I find myself in need of time at the altar, shut away with God,,, wherever that may be.
The last week has held some painful goodbyes. Another one sits very deeply on my chest in the next few days. My heart hurts, my throat and eyes burn with tears of sadness and of regrets for lost time, and for the future without these special presences as I go forward. I know new life and love will fill the void, but for today, the grief of farewell is staggering. One has only to look around, read a social media posting, or scroll the news to see that “Holidays” is a time of joy, family, giving… and it is also a time of reflection, of freshly empty chairs, and of the disconnect many walk around with.
I feel a bit like the walking wounded again. Clearly, many have situations far more intense than I. My prayer is truly for World Peace, and end to hunger, and that we all get milk and cookies after our afternoon nap.
Let grace and love abound. As we finish one year, and anticipate the new beginnings ahead, may I seek HIM first,,, and let everything else fall into place.
With hope,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
