Reminded of a song "Another Try", it says:
All the things I've felt and never shared
All the times that she was lonely with me there
Tears I wouldn't let fall from my eyes
And how I let her go without a fight
The reasons I'm alone, I know by heart
But I don't wanna spend forever in the dark
I swear next time I'll hang on for dear life
If love ever gives me another try
There's no changing things that we regret
The best that we can hope for is one more chance.
This past year has shown me that there is love in many forms, many surprises, many chances. Close or extended family, old friends, new friends, those you let in and choose to spend time with, those that spend time with you..... it has been a welcome lesson to learn to let love BE, in all its ways of showing up. I learned this year that "angels walk the earth as women and men".
As the normal has it, I spend the Thanksgiving holiday on my own. It's different this year, because there's a Knowing that there are many blessings around me, through me, and in me.
I've been alone a long time though, and the reasons why, I do know by heart. I don't want to stay there, instead, it is worth the wait and worth the work to give Life in all its offerings "Another Try".
My gratitude list for this holiday season is triumphed in this old blog entry, included below. It also is in the right here, right now, with the new men and women that have joined along in the Journey since I first wrote in May.
Giving life,and the people in it Another Try.
With courage and hope,
~J~
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Sunday, May 22, 2011
WOW!!! I have to say that again, WOW!!
Earlier this week, I received a very gracious invitation to drop by into a friend's Florida vacation and family get- together. I promptly used my word prowess to convince work that I needed the weekend off duty for a "family reunion". Truth :)
As a truck driver, miles to a destination are relative. Some I get paid to perform. Some I pay to execute. My excitement affects my overall mood. This weekend, I enjoyed a bonanza of reunions from the full out surprise, to the carefully established. I stayed with my best friend Friday, Saturday and today, but only got to sit down to share a meal and fellowship today. She was out of town all weekend herself, giving me free rein of her home. That's love.
At least one of each - the friend I saw 2 weeks ago. The friends I saw sometime so far this year. The friends I saw 10 years ago. The friends I saw 25 years ago. The family I had yet to meet. The internet connection I nurtured 5 years and finally met in person today.
Blessed with free lodging and respite, I based out these visits out of Osceola County. My friends and their families were primarily in Polk and Lake Counties. From laughter that hurt my sides and made my face red, to those precious moments that catch your breath and skip your heart's beat, to the body's overflow of a teardrop's course, I travelled 600 miles IN MY CAR in 3 days to too many loving arms to mention.
Over 300 miles in my truck on Friday, and 700 miles coming up in my semi on Monday. Whew, a bit daunting.
I go from solitude in my truck, to two weekends in a row of full out LOVE and embraces. I am a bit soggy and squishy in the love department right now. Like sleep hours, do you ever wish you could bank the hugs up for a starless night?
Ever notice? People want to bless you. One of the first things they think of is to feed you. And trust me, home cooked meals, fellowship, and camaraderie are gifts! But to see as many friends as I did in the past three days? It felt like a Progressive dinner. Everyone wants to feed me, and feels offended if you just ate. LOL.
People are just sweet like that. And it comes in waves, and very grateful for every presentation of Life's generousities. The dry and lonely periods are just as certain as the open arms moments. That is just the give and take of Life. In my Dad's wisdom, "Some days are just better'n others."
Sunday night after the Grand Finale seafood dinner with my best friend and her 12 year old daughter, Morgan, I decided I would get more bang for my hours to drive home to Sunrise, FL and sleep in my truck tonight for a few hours before taking off to Birmingham, than if I tossed and fretted a few hours in the wonderful real bed at my BF house. This way, it is cooler driving (no car a/c), if I have car troubles, I have time to resolve them and not be late to work, and I think I can let my mental guard down at the end to REST better, knowing all I have to do is show up to work.
Sitting out by ponds, on patios and porches, by myself and with groups of people, extremely at ease and in my element, all five senses were innundated with the sensations of what one could only call "home". The crickets, owls, scented breezes, buzzing bugs, ebb and flow of conversations and of God- moments, cloud animals drifting, and Central Florida's omnipresent humidity just made the welcome of blanketing memories fill the tanks for the times ahead. Reminded of the oil lamps in the temples. Full, from the inside out, keep the lamps trimmed and burning.
Since many of the get togethers were of a "reunion" or meet and greet in nature, the same questions were asked over and over and over again. I could get tired of it. But, instead, I know that being a female truck driver holds a mystique, and it is my gift to the world to be able to put someone in the driver's seat to share my adventures and explorations. God gave me wings and wheels, I can pass it along. It is my joy to do so and I never weary of the questions and discoveries.
Last night though, surrounded in roomful of loving people, in a quiet moment where I was present, but it was not my turn to speak, I felt a peaceful knowing go through my marrow. No one asked me this one question all weekend, but I came away with a self-knowledge.
I am cool with me.
I am comfortable in my own skin.
I am WHOLE.
The recent years when I was unhappy or pressed down? That was the foreign land to me. My personal normal is to be ON FIRE for life and for God. To have been given multiple second chances? To have been demonstrated mercy and grace from God and his ambassadors here on the earthly realm? These love offerings fueled my resident fires.
At my lowest points in the past few years, I may have been nearly extiguished. A smoking flax He will not put out, nor will he break the tender, bruised reed. (paraphrased) But inside me smoldered my passions, my calling, the reason for it all!
To have been reborn and stirred anew is invigorating!
The days may be hot, but I am one cool lion. And I feel a serious R-O-A-R coming on. Lookout!
One provoked lamb,
Jan M. Olsen
~J
I tried to sum my heart's view point up on Facebook, but only those who were with me, get the full impact :
I love how we are all connected. Sometimes, there is a heart bond. It's alot like the warmth that family brings into your spirit. An acceptance and a Knowing. A place of safety, love, and stability. This can be from blood relations or those wonderful souls that graft you in. Being back in my hometown area of Polk County has been a flood of love and joy. My cup runneth over. So blessed.
