When Sunrise Turned Into sunset.....

Appalachian Sunrise 

The need to Process, free write, blow off steam, organize and sort is literally burning with a fire and heavy weight in my chest. The title is not a typo, as I know grammar very well. The lower case "S" in sunset is symbolic and will be revealed soon enough.

One thing that is beautiful in self-awareness, deliberate choice, and accountability is the similararity to God's grace to His children.  That is, if you fall down, screw up, lose your way? You CAN choose to dust off, realign and get back up on the horse that threw you.  Since 2010, I've learned there is freedom and power in my CHOICE and decisions.

There is a new countdown in the works. Some of my closest friends and family are already "In the Know". To some, I am hiding in plain sight and you still won't "get it". And to some, I am merely waiting until the "I could have had a V8 Moment" pops you on the forehead.

A few facts and the way they affect me on a daily basis - I have been single for most of the past 14 years. There were Chapters where I danced with a partner.... but by and large? On my own.  My girls grew up and became strong, independant and wonderful women.... finding their own wings in the world.  Freedom comes with a price ~

With my CDL-A in July 2007, I have had adventure, lessons, and opportunities that astound and humble me.  A high school drop out, fairly intelligent, drifting, curious, dynamic, I've driven my semi in all 48 states and Canada, get paid to travel, met new people and share Light along the way.

May 2010, I was blessed during May of Miracles at my home church, the Pentecostals Of Cooper City in south Florida with THREE commercial vehicle operator jobs in one day!! After consideration with my pastor, chose Heartland Express. May 2014 was my 4 year service anniversary and it is going stronger all the time!  So grateful!!!

By the August of 2010, my lease on my apartment in SoFL ran out, I made the decision that was right for me - put my household into storage and live solely off my semi truck. Low cost, fluid of movement, available to Life and what new adventures it might hold.

The truth is never far from my mind though - - - No job?  No semi??  No work??? NO HOME!!!

The part of me that still to this day CRAVES the stability of a home, family, partner... the nesting and nurturing part of the silly smiling girl inside of me? I am  stressed and worried every time I turn in my truck to take vacation, every time I make a mistake and fear for my job.... and it makes me stay, even if it's in a rut, a whole lot longer than I might,,, just because I KNOW what a blessing it is to have this roof over my head, climate control, modern features etc.

This next part comes from my heart. If I were to be in person and say it? Some people would "get it". Some would fluff it off. Some would argue. Some would work to meet me in the middle....  so here goes:  By choice, by design, and by lifestyle, I am solo. I live alone. Work alone. Have holiday, birthdays, anniversaries alone.  I play alone. I explore alone. I worship God alone....  and so on.

It has come to my notice that I have "text message" friendships.

Just in the past two days, I have had more PHONE CALLS, in person meetings over meals and long heart to heart conversations than I did the entire previous month or more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And in the past 2 weeks, I have seen more of my friends in person and spent quality time than I have in MONTHS.

This is a condition of my lifestyle.  It is a conscious choice. But it is also not really where I authentically want to be in my life.

In the recent phone chats, I told longtime, faithful friends another truth.  I drive 10-11 hours every shift. 500-600 miles a day. All weather, all terrain, all traffic, all times of year.

When I take official Time Off? The *LAST* thing I want to do is trade my semi truck for a car and drive 200 miles or more one way to have dinner with a friend, etc.

YES!  Sometimes I do just that!  And the blessings outweigh the sacrifice.

But can you see where that may not be very resting, or recharging?

I went from this...

   to this!

Each and every one of my friends, and strangers along my path are worth every second of the very most pure and best attention I can give them!! God has poured SOOOOOO much into me, and to whom much is given, much is required.

Look at it this way ---- when you first notice a tickle, or scratchy throat?  Or an ache, like a low fever.  What's the first thing you instinctively do?  You change your diet, fluid intake, start pumping up your Immune System, add water and rest, you wash more frequently to ward off disease, and try to back away from others to protect them and to minimize your exposure until you are Top Notch again.

Our bodies, God's Creation is so fearfully and wonderfully made!!!

The same Fight Or Flight is true energetically.

I could stop right there. That last line said it all.....  sit with it a minute.....

.... wait for it.....

.... breathe.....

Energetically, I tuck and roll.  I have had some of the very WORST mankind can throw at me. And some of the best. In every turn, God has taken my mess and made it into my Message. He's taken every test, and turned  it into my Testimony. He's taken everything the enemy meant to harm me, and turned it into my Greater Good.  And so, I roll back to my feet, dust off, hide behind blue eyes, grin and move on.

Deliberately.

I have what some people dream of - - -A job I love, a freedom, an income, a happy go lucky lifestyle....

With work? I am often physically exhausted. I get the privilege of working 70 hour weeks.  This overlaps day and night shifts in a constant, never ending roll.  I don't get to stop the truck to exercise, eat, rest, worship, or even just to walk a few minutes. I've been driving to my limits, pulling over, parking and never even getting out of the truck, I go lay down.  Wake up tired and in pain, and start the cycle again.  Why?! Yet, you gotta know? ???  I am aware how blessed to have a job at all, and to enjoy it, and make a substantial income  is a matter I am FULL of GRATITUDE and running over.

Upon realizing my friendships have become "text message" and impersonal?  Brief and random?  I also noticed something that weighs me down:  As a whole, people talk about what is WRONG in their world. They bust out with the negatives, the things that make them mad, sad, or uncomfortable.

Even though I am exceptionally sunny and optimistic as a person? It's all too easy to fall into the rut of imitating or commiserating. In other words, now I find myself talking about my aches, my pains, my stresses...  it comes out in conversations like this, "Oh yeah? You think that was bad? Let me tell you MY terrible experience. Trust me. Mine is worse than yours, so you should be grateful."

SAY WHAT?!?!?!

The Lion inside me just shook her head, yawned, extended her claws and gave out a healthy ROOOOOAR of indignation!!!!

JAN!!! STOP!!!!!  redirect!!!!!!!!!!!

I find myself so tired, so weary in body and spirit.  So drained emotionally and energetically.


So NOPE!  I don't want  to see anyone! Ever! I draw inside and think "more sleep, more work, more time alone" will fix me.

In reality, a piece of me dies inside.  A moment passes, and Time that I will never get back is *POOF!  Gone!  This grieves me....

... Time kept going while I flounder in a rut... my friends move on.... their circumstances ride the roller coaster.... and I've lost precious Time to show God's love. To be of service... to be God's hands, feet and voice,,, all while I have to work double time to reorganize my thoughts and attitudes.

Lately, I've told a few people that I trust,,, that I need to back up a bit. I need some "space" ((( sounds weird  - hello! You're by yourself!))).... I need a break....

The realization is this : I can and will remain available to listen, to be there, to understand if someone is struggling or riding out a rough patch. I can and will hug, hold your hand, look you in the eyes, and absorb the energy of tears, laughter and emotions....

 But I need to correct my attitude. I need to emotionally, physically, and spiritually recharge.  It's time to get alone with God and to purge all the anxiety, sadness and disarray... to give it all to Him again.

That's what I LOVE about God giving humans free will.  We can CHOOSE to look up, to seek Him, and to allow God to be in control..... we can also choose to stay in the negatives surrounding our external circumstances... but happily, we can CHOOSE liberty and dominion.


In seven days, actual Changes, shifts and new beginnings will become apparent. Ironically, some of you already know what's coming. Some of you will miss it, letting Change slip right past your notice. And some of you will wonder when the dust settles? "What just happened here, cuz I didn't see that coming." even though I'm hiding in plain sight, currently covered among the stuff.  Like Gideon of the Old Testament... there are big changes coming up. And God is grooming me, pruning me, and shaping my Destiny!

When the new Chapter starts to pen the next page of my life story? I will be an even better woman, a better servant, a better friend, and better family, and a better person..... for YOU and for myself.

When Sunrise turns into sunset it is time to roll on~

~J~
Jan M. Olsen

The Who

"Behind Blue Eyes"

No one knows what it's like

To be the bad man

To be the sad man

Behind blue eyes

No one knows what it's like

To be hated

To be fated

To telling only lies

But my dreams

They aren't as empty

As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely

My love is vengeance

That's never free

No one knows what it's like

To feel these feelings

Like I do

And I blame you

No one bites back as hard

On their anger

None of my pain and woe

Can show through

But my dreams

They aren't as empty

As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely

My love is vengeance

That's never free

When my fist clenches, crack it open

Before I use it and lose my cool

When I smile, tell me some bad news

Before I laugh and act like a fool

If I swallow anything evil

Put your finger down my throat

If I shiver, please give me a blanket

Keep me warm, let me wear your coat

No one knows what it's like

To be the bad man

To be the sad man

Behind blue eyes

An Invitation To Celebrate A Birthday With Me

At the time I was arrested I had no idea it would turn into this. It was just a day like any other day. The only thing that made it significant was that the masses of the people joined in. ~Rosa Parks 

     Click this link to see info on a movie that needs to be made - Thunder Road

     Sometimes it is amusing to watch people advertise "It's my birthday all week! Look at ME!" Just as funny to me are the casual social media "Hi Happy Birthday greetings" on your page from people that you haven't seen in 20 years and that will not talk to you again for the next 365 days. The commercialism and emphasis on holidays in general has me a bit jaded to the point where I am quite the Scrooge.  Every now and then, someone I truly care about, and interact with throughout the year will tweak a text or FB cheery greeting from me, but by and large? I have kept my birthday off the records for the past 13 years on purpose.


     This year, on my birthday, I have the opportunity through my OTR job to travel towards Boston, Massachusetts and will be in the vicinity of a Thunder Road event!! I will be sending my energy and blessings towards them. See the event here --->> http://www.bostonglobe.com/insiders

     I have Facebook, Twitter, email, text and in person followers from many walks of life and we met in such a wonderful bouquet of ways spanning our lifetimes. I got on FB in June 2008   to follow Pastor Hattabaugh and YOM '08 as they went to Peru. I had no idea 5 years later, I would be interacting, entertaining, and connecting with over 400 friends, family and people I genuinely care about! THANK YOU! 

     Some of you like to hear funny trucking stories, my dumb blonde goof ups,  or a Captain's Daily Log of life Over The Road. Often I get feedback from the photos that you feel as if you are travelling shotgun and enjoying the USA. From my side? I feel love, connection, accountability, and can stay grounded to who I have always been - - someone that lives to shine Light, share Joy, forward my service and financial means to others, and that loves God, family, friends, Country and all that I meet with my every fiber, every day. No strangers, just friends I haven't met yet.

     If you have tagged along for very long, you know I am not oblivious to Christmas or birthdays.  It's common for me to get a hotel room and then go buy and wrap gifts for the housekeeper's 4 kids and put them under the tree in the hotel lobby. Or to buy a meal for a senior, or a Veteran, a single parent several times a week.  I often tip 40% to my server, knowing they came to work for a reason and if I can bless them? I will do it. My very best friends and family receive random cards, flowers, gifts, poems and notes reminding them that I love them 365 days a year,,, not just on a birthday or holiday.

     HOWEVER!!!!  About three months ago, I decided to just let it be. I am STILL going to work my heart out on birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and all the other holidays that are often lonely and just another calendar day.  But I've learned from my friend, Mark, to let all things be possible. To enjoy what shows up, and to be fully Present, enjoying THAT moment. No other moment in Life will ever be exactly the same, so I will savor and experience ALL of the gift of Right Now.

     THIS YEAR, I DO WANT A GIFT 

FOR MY BIRTHDAY! 

Before you read another line of my blog post, 

please *STOP* 

click this link www.ThunderRoadFilm.com .  

• Watch the short video. 
• Read the information presented. 
• Look at the incentives offered on the right. 
• Go back to the top of the page and click the "DONATE NOW" button and give a gift from your heart. 
• Then please share this link on all of your social media sites and in emails, texts, and phone calls with your friends until the goal is met.
• Continue sharing, linking, Tweeting and promoting until the production goal is met!

      This is what I want to share with you, all my friends and family this year.  It means very much to me. By learning about "Thunder Road" and becoming a part of helping to spread the word of their fundraising campaign on Kickstarter,  I have been educated, awakened, inspired and motivated to serve the men and women that have protected America with their lives. 

     The few men and women choose to leave their comfort, home, and families to go fight for you and I, then they return home with serious physical, mental, and emotional needs that many are unaware or unconcerned about. The time is NOW to become educated, stirred up, and called to action ourselves to create CHANGE to minister to the Veterans of US and British military that suffer from PTSD or Traumatic Brain Injury.

Statistics: 22 veterans every day commit suicide, and 1 active duty soldier and Marine commit suicide. This is a growing epidemic we know as PTSD. 

     Here is another link that contains background information on the 3 men working so hard to bring about Change and a movie in production that will  shed light on the subject no one wants to hear because it makes them uncomfortable. It gives the facts, history and statistics of WHY this movie MUST BE made *NOW!  

 Click here for more background info --->>   Thunder Road - Who Are We?

     What does this movie and subject have to do with my August 2013 birthday?  I have a request. There is something you can do for me. You won't have to see me, call me  - - - I am asking that you click www.ThunderRoadFilm.com RIGHT NOW and after taking a look around the page? Make a pledge and then SHARE on Thunder Road with your friends, family and those that can join us to make a difference and to be a part of the Change.

     Connected on Facebook?

  Click https://www.facebook.com/ThunderRoadKickstarter to instantly view photos, videos, news articles, interviews and fellow citizens uniting together for this great need in this hour. Like their page! Connect with them.  Share the page on your Facebook.

     Connected on Twitter?  Find them @AstoriaFilmCo  and join the conversation. Share, Connect, and become a part of the Change!

      Every one of us can be a part of this great mission and bring change through education, knowledge and compassion to effect the future care and health of our soldiers and returning veterans.  On my birthday, I will be hitting the streets posting fliers, talking to people, emailing, texting, Tweeting and continuing to lobby for Thunder Road Kickstarter to reach its goal. 

     Please join me? 

     If you know me? You realize I would not be enthusiastic about anything with a "political agenda" 

     This movie will be more focused on education and compassion. Many will go away stirred and feeling a call to action simply by wanting to create a positive shift and Change in the way we treat our soldiers and veterans. 

     I will end as I began, with a quote from Rosa Parks.  Who knows the scope a life will have, when all is said and done? Much to be considered, the choices are up to me to tend to as lovingly as a gardener of miracles.  Curious where I will be in life one year from today?

Memories of our lives, of our works and our deeds will continue in others.~ Rosa Parks 

With much love and respect,

~Jan M. Olsen~
~J~

ii John v. 12

www.ThunderRoadFilm.com

The Butterfly Chaser's Letter

Today was a turning point for me! 

Have you ever been drawn to follow a bird, a butterfly, or the sounds of the woods until you are IN the forest?  The noises and movement that attracted you becomes eerily still. 

Do you wait, stand still, and simply breathe in and out?

Perhaps you BECOME a part of the forest, and one by one, nature entrusts you with her glory and she begins moving, breathing, singing again in and around you.

Today, I entrusted a friend of mine with a letter that was long in coming.  I began to "write" and all of the recent anxieties that grip my heart and throat poured out in a rush!  I wrote in a safe place, to a safe friend.  This reminds me some of prayers to God.  In my case, my personal cross that I bear and submit daily is my driving reliance on SELF - self-motivation, self-determination, self-provision, and so on. 

People like to mention the good things they see in me such as the Light (of God), my bounce and joy (of God) and my strength,,,, ut oh, too often that strength is "of Jan".  I end up bearing way more of the burden of this crazy life than I was ever designed to do.

My health, sleep, attitude, and spiritual life is drained by this SELF problem.

Funny, I didn't really write about SELF to my friend. He already knows me, and knows my issues and inner struggles.  No, today, I released the angst that bound me in knots lately. I told him at the end of the letter that I KNEW the weight was lifted, the chokehold burst!  Grateful!

I feel like today was a failure or shortcoming, when measured by own critical SELF barometer. I am an agressive and determined person, and as a driver, that is an asset.  Yet, today, I allowed personal weakness to stop me short of the goal.  I will make the same money on this trip whether it posts this week or next.  Usually, I rely on mySELF and I push through any physical, mental, emotional or spiritual pain.

Not today.

Instead, I parked 150 miles early, making it a grossly negligent short day on my job.  I felt led to get out of the truck to walk a bit.

That's when I heard IT!  The Siren call of the katydids in the wooded rest area!  Drawn further into the shadows, the songs of home in Central Florida and my youth rose and surged like the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir.  Only this time, it was God's Creation!   I stopped just in the path and took first one cleansing breath, then a second, then, closing my eyes, a third, and I BECAME a part of the chorus of breath and pure expression God offered.

I am seeing light ahead of me from a recent battle.  It has been detailed and threatened my loved ones and ways I know to move in Life with them.

As for the Butterfly Chaser in me?  I remember in Fall 2011, God gave me a gift of a paid, working trip from Florida, all up through New England during the peak of Autumn colors.  On I-77 as NC gave way to VA, Maurice and I were talking. This was early in our friendship.  I remember telling him "I chose to be very Present and very grateful for today and this trip. If you want to share my joy WITH me, then we can talk along my drive.  But if you have need to be negative or to pop my Happy Bubbles?  Then we need to hang up and catch later.....  we ended up talking later.

There is nothing wrong with either of our approach to a day or to Life.  Over our year, I have found we complement each other well and add texture to the facets that make us who we are. 

This is where I am in this very Present Moment.  Anyone can CHOOSE to get in my bubble and share the gratitude, love, and forgiveness I have towards Life and others,,,, or we can hang up for awhile and see if we reconnect along the way. 

You choose.

For now?  I am content at becoming ONE with God's creation and experiencing the fullness of his glory again.

Thank you for every prayer, every word, every thought, every shared moment. 

I am back.

I am LION, hear me ROAR!
~Janet M. Olsen
~Jan~

ps. as I closed this, another driver came up to me, inviting me to join him and his wife for prayer. PEOPLE- I am at a rest area in rural Tennessee! only GOD feeds the sparrows like that! Only GOD!!!

Got To Tell Somebody

There's an older song by a folk/ gospel singer named Don Fransisco called "Got To Tell Somebody". It's the father's account of Jesus raising Jairus' daughter from the dead.  God says not to speak a word of how she was saved....

......(whisper) Got to tell somebody.....
......got to tell somebody....
......(crescendo) got to tell SOMEBODY....
..... got to TELL SOMEBODY......
.....got TO TELL SOMEBODY.....

I'VE GOT TO TELL SOMEBODY

 GOT TO TELL SOMEBODY...!!!!

A friend very special to me has had an amazing week.  From distractions to downright discouraging moments, to bittersweet relief to his determined act of self-surrender... to the turn around to the avalanche of blessings.... this man and his Journey has inspired me!  Watching him as he experiences God's blessings and provision and miracles has made me tender and overwhelmed again by that First Love of the newborn in God.

I taught him reflections and mirrors... he taught me that we can willfully affect our radiance and make a change for the better, the positive, and the hopeful.

To honor my friend, I had to tell somebody.  I am yelling from inside of me in Joy and process and in tenderized awe all over again.  I celebrate his transformation with him. 

I am renewed and caused to hunger again enjoying his  miraculous gifts.

I simply had to tell somebody!

Basking,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Change Taking Place

As I thought of the title to this entry, I was singing the song "Changes" by the 1980's group, YES and their "90125" album.



Change is abounding.  Whether it's the shift to Daylight Savings time this weekend, or Spring, new relationships, or clearing the way for new to enter a life?  Changes come in as inexorably as the tides upon the seashore. Like a wave, it brings in new treasures and takes out a piece of the beach as it rolls away.

Life is like that.  You spend a season or chapter of your life, and as time moves on, so do you.

Today in particular held such wide swings of highs and lows, celebrations and regrets, letting go and holding on.  I am left feeling wearily grateful overall. I am sad for the parts I should have done different or better as a person, but I am happy inside for shifts that came after years of prayer and seeking.  Change taking places.

I've cried several times today  and in the past few weeks.  A few times it was relief and joy.  A couple of times it was anger and frustration.  And sometimes, it was feeling hurt or let down by people I have near my life.  I don't want to close back up like a turtle, but, it is tempting.

I wrote for a full 90 minutes this morning shouting to the heavens in joy and excitement.... and I cannot let anything dim the truths from that.  The rest are just distractions and not where I am supposed to focus my attention.

If I remain true to my goals, passions, personal belief systems, I will add optimism and joy to my life.  I will weed out negativity, unbelief, and disregard,  This means it's time to cull my contacts again.  Changes.

Goals met and new ones formed for my job, family, health, spiritual pursuits, and interactions with the world around me.  I've had a great quarter in my job as a Commercial Truck Driver. I met a goal I set on March 23, 2001 just this past week on February 28th.  I have now been into all 48 Continental USA and Canada with my semi truck, The last two states were the Dakotas. Brrrrr in February, big grin.

My personal life of friends, family, loved ones, priorities, God, Country?  I am still trying.  I have a lot of shortcomings. But I want to improve.  I want to let my light shine and let go, let God.  Same old refrain, new day, new mercies.  Changes.

New friends, old friends.  Seasons, reasons.  Footprints and fellow travellers.  It's been a year of dynamic Changes.

I am scared of the near future.  A sign that I should push on.  If I were to remain rooted in the past or inside the box?  I would not be me.  I would be static.   This is not a true sign of the inner me.

The way I will end tonight, after this blog, is to pray, meditate, and probably cry again as I get in the bunk. Some highs and lows. Some happy, some mad, some sad, some disappointments.  All of it small in the 20 year rule.  Changes.

Looking ahead with anticipation,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
CHANGES - 90125 YES

I'm moving through some changes
I'll never be the same
Something you did touched me
There's no one else to blame

The love we had has fallen
The love we used to share
We've given up pretending
As if you didn't care

Change changing places
Root yourself to the ground
Capitalize on this good fortune
One word can bring you round
Changes

I look into the mirror
I see no happiness
All the warmth I gave you
Has turned to emptiness
The love we had has fallen
The love we used to share
You've left me here believing
In love that wasn't there

Change changing places
Root yourself to the ground
Word to the wise - Well you get what's coming
One word can bring you round
Changes

When I look into your eyes and try to find out how
There's no way to save it now
And everything I feel
Changes
Keep looking for
Changes
Changes

For some reason you're questioning why
I always believe it gets better
One difference between you and I
Your heart is inside your head One word from you
One word from me
A clear design on your liberty
Who could believe when love has gone
How we move on like everyone

Only such fools
Only such jealous hearts

Only through love changes come

Change changing places
Root yourself to the ground
Capitalize on this good fortune
One word can bring you round
Changes

One road to loneliness
It's always the same
One road to happiness
It's calling your name

Change changing places - Changes
Root yourself to the ground
Capitalize on this good fortune
One word can bring you round
Changes

Change changing places
Changes
Root yourself to the ground
Word to the wise - Well you get what's coming
One word - One word can bring you round
Changes

This Must Be My Writing Space

I had a great laugh out loud just now.  I had packed my duffle bag with dress and playtime clothes anticipating  the next 2 days off duty from my semi truck.  I am backed into a dock in one of the tightest receivers we frequent. I had sent texts to a handful of people to touch base to remind them I have not forgotten them or their faithful patience. I had conditioned and combed through my unruly, truck driver's bed head.   And then I plopped into the driver's seat.  I refreshed my web browser and had a WAVE of GRATITUDE come over me.  

It seems this location is prime Writing Space?  Once when I was here on December 29, 2010 a torrent of words fought to get typed in a coherent form and I spewed all of the "IT" that had been holding me bondage to dis-ease, unforgiveness, pain of heart and of body!  I wrote over 12 pages on a PDF and when I was wearily trying to find a cute ending?  I was so darned relieved to be free of the poison of "IT" that had sat so deep in my soul and gut all of my entire life!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I was speechless :)

Quick to recognize that GRATIUDE feeling, I had an urge to write again.  A follow-up of GRATITUDE for the recent battles. As quick as I could, I cued up this blog, and the USUAL happened here again.  Just as I crack my knuckles and sharpen my pencil to write? The receiver comes out to say I am done and I am free to leave.

WOW! 

See, this is a perfect example of things not being as hard or bad as they seem.  I dread this receiver for all the logistical hoops it takes just to get to the dock door.  It's to the point I will beg for a different load when I see this one pop up.  But once I just do it, and set the brake, backed up to the dock door? I always have the most beautiful of clarity and clear space rush through me.

It's like when you are practising yoga and in a sublime Kundalini experience, your Chakras all align suddenly. After the initial pop, and rush of clear fluid and slightly nauseating WHOOSH from utter dismay to peace?  Well, the room, the space around you, and the people you share the energy with all uniquely BREATHE in PEACE, HARMONY, and JOY.

Or in a prayer service, when you KNOW each of you have God in you, and you assemble together, that MOMENT when God's Shekinah glory just covers and infuses everyone present as you come into a place of "one mind, one accord" and God is free to move from among the stuff and shadows we humans carry like sacks of burdens.    You can smell His aroma, feel the warmth, see His light, and peace and Knowing floods your soul.

THAT is what I get when the inspiration to write settles on me like a mantle at this "writing space" in Pompano Beach.....

Now, I am ready to move on, and did not yet write the GRATITUDE stuff after all.  Big grin!  I am already feeling the let down of tension and the release of having said "IT" because I took time to BE Gratitude, to FEEL Gratitude, and to ALLOW Gratitude.

This time, I talked to Alisha by text message and to my special friend who is many, many miles and time zones away.  And they let me tell of my Grateful Mood,, and they both had sincere  FLOODS of clarity, inspiration, and Gratitude also.  I am smiling as  we built a triad of East coast, Heartland states of Indianna, and of the Rocky Mountain.... three hours on the clock,  three heartbeats, ONE MESSAGE!  Hopeful GRATITUDE!!!

From my last blog questioning WHY of God, to today, so many GOOD shifts for so many I am intimately involved with.   Nanci is rocking the state of Florida's education System. Angel and Aaron spent a precious surprise weekday visit with me. Angel got great news from the doctor regarding her knee injury and a new plan of action.  My special friend has had hope and inspiration breathed into his situations. Alisha has gotten moved into her new apartment, is safe, and is establishing a routine and consistent experience of SUCCESSFUL moments in her new life as a single mom and warrior. 


When I was down, I surrounded myself with people I trusted to have my back. They had empathy, compassion, and a ready hand or ear to hear.  We covered the 24 hour clock by exhorting one another to hang in there, try this, hold on!!! 

And the new week is smoothing out to a tolerable rumble.

Now that I am on the swing of emerging from that down funk and period of self-doubt, once again, God provides me with the miraculous by sending my special friends, family and loved ones to parade their joys and triumphs as well.

I am just so GRATEFUL!

For now, I have a 3 star, luxury hotel that I paid less than 40% of the normal rate to enjoy beckoning me. I missed church this morning, but I have the opportunity to enjoy God's creation now, and freshen up in time for service with POCC tonight.
 

My semi is parked, bags packed, heart and mind renewed and I am inspired again.

Writing and listening to my Inspirationators.

Jan M. Olsen

~J~

II John v. 12

A Gaze Into The Face Of God

          Recently I had a bittersweet visit with my daughter and two grandboys in Colorado.  Now, the family time, bonding, sharing was essential and beautiful.  It was an intervention visit though, and gives me mixed feelings.  Somewhere along this path, I have lost my words to write or express my personal reality.  This is a non-tangible injustice, and THIS I can focus my angst and frustrations upon with a vengeance.  I can be mad at myself and my frailties as a human, and give generously of  love, forgiveness and more love to those outside.  Right off the bat, I am not able to find much for which to be “grateful” in any way more meaningful than a surface platitude. This is so out of character for me, that this pain alone is stealing my joy and breath at times.

          At this moment I question “Why?!” in a most angry, and wounded way. It does not help to know that I join everyone along the way at some point. I try to convince myself that my questions are honest conversations between God and myself, and not representations of doubt or unbelief in my sovereign, just God.  Then again, what is my Truth right now?

          Anger is such a bitter root. It is so uncharacteristic of me to be angry more than a five minute temper.  Then to live in a space of anger and anxiety is sapping me, when truly, I am “needed” more now than ever.  At risk of “FAILING” to be of use to God, self, or others, I am in a pain and fire in my heart, soul, and spirit. At odds with myself, I am consumed with just getting by, no longer able to even visualize the bright future or the cloud of rain the size of a man’s hand.

I hurt.

          How dumb for me to hurt. How insensitive and arrogant.  This is crippling to me when others look to me to be the bringer of light or positive to a dark situation.  When does righteous anger and indignation turn to vindictive rant or vigilante justice? It is not up to me to judge a man or situation, merely to champion what is right, good, and pleasing to God.  I do not look good to myself toting a pitchfork and lantern of a witch hunt. Instead, I hurt inside for ALL involved.

          My tears are bitter and feel like fire. I cry them alone, in my most secret place. To share them would be to hinder, not to help another. Why would I be a stumbling block, instead of a hand to help raise someone to the Light? This goes against my every calling or hope in this life.

          There is an older, gentle song by a group named 4HIM titled simply “Why”.  Here are a few of the words to this ballad:

They say that into every life Some rain must fall
For the pain is no respector Of the mighty or the small
But sometimes It just seems so Unfair
To see the One who’s had More than His share
Oh it makes you wonder why…

And Lord,  I wouldn’t second guess Your mighty plan
For I know You have a purpose That’s beyond the scope of man
If You look inside my heart You will find
That I have always been The Trusting kind
Oh but still I wonder

CHORUS
Why
Do the rainy days have to come
When the storm clouds hide the sun
I wanna know why
Why
When the reasons aren’t clear to me
When it all is a mystery
I want to know why
And though down here
I may not understand
I won’t let go
Of the Unseen hand
For It holds the reasons why

The Lord has never been afraid Of honest prayers
And He won’t allow the burden To be more than you can bear
When He knows that you’re trust Is in Him
He doesn’t mind the questionsNow and then
Even if you wonder….

Why.

            So, in a secret shame, I admit now to wondering “WHY”.  Why did mankind imbibe the Original sin, that cast the seeds onto us all? Why do murderers, rapists, abusers or thieves exist, much less go free to TAKE from another? Why does sickness such as cancer or dementia run rampant? Why death? Why harm to others?  Why the innocent, God? Huh? Why?!

          I KNOW it is not up to me to question God, or to judge. Overall, my personality is of a lover, not a fighter. Of peace, not of dissention. Of hope, not of despair. Circumstances lately have me weary and asking honest questions of WHY.

          In a vulnerable moment, I will admit here that I have physical pain regularly that is unexplained and unchecked by modern medicine.  I have been the victim of abuse, and know many others also.  I live alone, partly by choice, partly because I do not see any other way.  This latest attack of WHY, though, stems from ordeals my two daughters are experiencing RIGHT NOW. Their privacy is tantamount. This blog is not about revealing their circumstances. I am merely Processing my own feeling, beliefs, and pain regarding the WHYs in Life.

          Blessed to spend ten days with my daughter and two grandsons, I had a very poignant moment.  The older boy, Jeremiah is almost 2 years old. He is precocious and smart. He does things calculated to get attention, be it negative or positive.  He is old enough to premeditate to a degree, to be sneaky, to tempt our good sense of humor.  Yet, he has been holding pure expression inward. So young. This is sad to me. When he became comfortable, and relaxed to being in a loving, caring, nurturing, SAFE environment, he became a babbling brook. He snuggles, he is generous, he is selfish as only a two year old can be , he is lively and amuzing.

         

          But it was a particular photograph I took of the younger boy, Terran that rocked me to my core.  I “verbalized” my inner thoughts briefly, and have been vexxed by them ever since.  Terran is almost 7 months old. Very slight of build, the pure skin and breath of the innocent child that merely cries when he is hungry, wet, scared or hurt. 

Terran does not (yet) seem to know how to manipulate to get his “way”.  He lives to smile, chew, sleep, and reach out to touch you.  It was in a moment captured on digital image, that I saw the face of God…. I saw the potential mankind has. And I realized, that this is one of the last moments of his innocence.  Soon, he will adapt and surround himself with survival and vie for  position in our world of “ME FIRST”.  That may perhaps be the last gentle image… before he becomes like every other person.

It’s likely that Life will toughen him up. This realization made me sad inside my core being.  Oh how I long for Life and God to generously allow us to retain our innocence, our gentleness, and our simple joy in the simple pleasures of touch, love, sustenance and light. Little Terran looked up at me with such awe, such love, such trust…. And does not know my feet of clay and how in some way, big or small, I will fail him along the way.

Funny how Life’s stressors can prompt reunions, reconnections, even reconciliations. I felt a need to reach out to assemble prayer warriors, strong arm champions, and a wide range of people to complement each other to bring a balance of perspective, talents, resources into my recent “crisis”.  Maybe the world did not need more marshmellows in the Justice department like me. Maybe it needs less of the bitter and the fervent retalitory soldiers of self-named Right and Wrong.  Prayer and a return to the Basics seemed to be in order. And reminding first myself, then Others to practice Love- Gratitude- Forgiveness even when faced by a night so black it hurts.

In this moment, a few people asked me questions I found to be odd. They asked how I am holding up, how I am taking things, how and I doing?  My answer is swift and sure, and I mean it with all of my heart. I have FAITH in GOD to be just, and real, and soveriegn.

But inside, when the babies are fed, clean, snuggled and loved into bed….. and when my girl collapses exhausted in a heap on the bare carpet, with her shoes still on,,,, or when she breaks and pours the tears that are such a proven vital part of the Process…..  I am angry, I am hurting, I am asking WHY,Dammit, WHY!!!

This makes me cry to admit it in print. Can you only imagine the angst it causes me as I stand humbled and broken before God?  The choking and drowning sensations of not knowing what do I REALLY believe in after all?

I want to have the Right Answers. I want to be of great help and service. I want justice to prevail, in God’s complete understanding of the FINAL, ETERNAL outcomes.

I just want release and respite.  I know I am not alone, when the hard times come. People go through mountains and valleys all the time.  Like I told my daughter in a conversation about my divorce over a decade ago, “It did not help me to hear “I know how you feel. I’ve been there”. I did not want ANYONE to feel the pain I feel.  I am also not alone because friends, family and loved ones rally in all the ways unique to people with finances, suggestions, prayers, advice…. Talking to a second cousin on the phone who is close in age to my own children drove this point home. We are truly all connected. Not one of us is alone.  We are all valid and unique. We respond and offer ourselves in myriads of ways, often depending upon the stage of the Process we are in.

What am I blessed or grateful for in this recent “trial”?  That my daughter and I reuinited in October 2010 and the groundwork was laid ahead of time for our joining forces to overcome adversity now.  I am grateful nothing is as bad as it seems or as it could be. I am blessed to know spiritually that God is at work on very INDIVIDUAL basis and he has a Plan and Purpose for EVERYTHING if we will let Him work and BE GOD. I am grateful for resources of time, money, presence and history to be available to be there by my daughter’s side at a very critical juncture of her life.

Each of us will stand at a crossroads of decision at some point in our life. How we cope, how we respond, how we trust in God is our own individual Journey of Faith, Hope, and Amazing Grace. For now, this evening after I have returned to work to face frustrations there and my sadness to leave my loved ones for another chapter, I am processing. I am not very gentle with myself. And OH GOD! I hurt inside with anger and indignation and I feel so inadequate and alone.

  I am mad at God, at certain people, and at my own shortcomings!  But I am going to bow down and give these honest feelings and questions of WHY to God. I will have every intention of placing myself fully on the altar and of surrendering me – the need to control.  The need to KNOW and the need that is inherent within me to FIX or HELP.  Those last few were never my gift to give – they are a God trait. Who knows, I may get peace soon.

God knows. He knows the reason WHY.

I am including a You Tube link to 4 Him and their song “Why”. Enjoy. If you feel led to pray for us  reach out to me or to someone God places on your heart, I humbly ask you to obey.  Be slow to anger, slow to judge, and quick to offer love, mercy, and a hand to connect someone to God.

http://youtu.be/baRHkrw10uY

((In my own stubborn desire to yell YOP and be heard? I am not going to scroll up to edit or proofread this blog.  My thoughts are mine for this space in Time. The grammar can be overlooked, if you know that I have the best at my core being.))


Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Simple, No Fear

My Intentions for 2011 were simple – No Fear.  To celebrate my victories of 2010, I went skydiving in West Palm Beach, Florida on New Year’s Eve.  I then joined my church family at Pentecostals of Cooper City for joint prayer and gratitude for an old year, and optimistic promise for the new one ahead.

The year that is winding down of 2011 has amazed me and far exceeded all of my hopes for it! I passed my fourth anniversary as a commercial vehicle operator, my first full year with Heartland, and cheered as Angel graduated USF with her Bachelors degree, Terran was born in Colorado to my Alisha and Jeremiah turned one year old. 

On a very personal level, I practiced “No Fear” by opening my heart.  I shared my hurts, triumphs, hopes, prayer requests and blessings with a very special band of warriors.  When I got myself out of the way, surrendered to God, and let go of the need to plan and control the details,  my job prosperity skyrocketed in a surprising way!  I was offered a chance to have a home of my own. And I began to meet new men and women that enrich my life in such a blessed give and take that I found myself opening up, trusting, letting go,,,, and falling…..  leaving the past behind. WHAT A GIFT to experience the fullness of Love, Gratitude, Forgiveness and to go forward in Life making no judgments or expectations.

I fervently believe that the best gifts of 2010 were finding my breath, and learning the power of choice and renewed passions.  I am not quite so definite on what the gift of 2011 will be.  It was a year of letting go.  Old contacts, old memories, old baggage, control, and of refusing to let fear of the Unknown hold me captive to a Plan.

Just as wonderful, though, has been letting LOVE flow in and out of me.  I used to cringe, or scoff at “Much love and light” or “Happy Birthday” as superficial, rote memory responses.  There are many men and women that did not give up, that loved me anyway, that lit candles, prayed, read texts and emails, sat across a table and simply was THERE for me…. And a very special few that stayed available 24/7 for prayer requests, testimonies, and exhortations.  I am thinking 2011 had at least TWO specific gifts and the year is not over for a few more weeks.

I wonder, in my old way of mulling things around, what 2012 holds?  I wish to remain flexible, patient, and to just deeply breathe, and let it be what it will be.  It is a learned behavior on my part.  I am not the family provider (never really was),,,, and I really only need to show up with a willing heart, open mind, and humble spirit. Today, in particular I am tired in body, weary of spirit, in need of family and home time.  I give my love, resources and support to many… I find myself in need of time at the altar, shut away with God,,, wherever that may be.

The last week has held some painful goodbyes.  Another one sits very deeply on my chest in the next few days.  My heart hurts, my throat and eyes burn with tears of sadness and of regrets for lost time, and for the future without these special presences as I go forward.  I know new life and love will fill the void, but for today, the grief of farewell is staggering.  One has only to look around, read a social media posting, or scroll the news to see that “Holidays”  is a time of joy, family, giving… and it is also a time of reflection, of freshly empty chairs, and of the disconnect many walk around with. 

I feel a bit like the walking wounded again. Clearly, many have situations far more intense than I.  My prayer is truly for World Peace, and end to hunger, and that we all get milk and cookies after our afternoon nap.

Let grace and love abound. As we finish one year, and anticipate the new beginnings ahead, may I seek HIM first,,, and let everything else fall into place.

With hope,

Jan M. Olsen

~J~