Smelling Flowers Along The Way

After a long, extra cold Winter, I am enjoying Spring and the South.  Whether it's the good sweet iced tea, or just the aw shucks, good manners? Loving being "home"...

Looking back over journals, emails, logs etc I see reminders of the Process.  Divorce itself was just a piece of paper after too many years of _______ (fill in the blank, because I don't care anymore.) However, Empty Nest was a maelstrom  of pain, loss, anger and my roots being ripped away.  It was like Spring, Summer and Fall were over and a blizzard of Winter ate me into barely hanging by a thread. Knowing most pains and seasons get better, but spending dark times wondering if I could hold up. 

Then shaking it off!  Getting my CDL, putting our lifetime of "Remember Whens" into storage units, getting a PO Box and a friend to let me use her home as a physical address for my license - - I flew into Dallas, TX in July 2007 to embark on something new, unexpected and a touch wild!

Somewhere along the Journey of the past decade and beyond, I lost myself, found someone new. Someone strong, independant, fearless in many ways.  I have learned to be excited by new opportunities, Change and the What Ifs.  Blessed to keep old friends and family, reunite with others, and to open my heart to the possibilities of new people, places and things.

Recently, I drove through the Maggie Valley area of the Great Smokey Mountains. As far back as 2004, Lewis and I drove up from Lake County Florida with my two girls to go snow skiing. We wanted to enjoy the girls being at home during their JR/SR high school years and find snow. 

Then, my very first expedition as a completely solo, lonely, broken single woman with Empty Nest, I rode my motorcycle from Lake County to camp 8 days in a tent in Deep Creek, near Bryson City, NC also in the Great Smokey Mountains National Park.  It was 22 degrees that October, but this Florida gal rode up to 12 hours a day enjoying Autumn, the Nantahala River, the  318 curves in 11 miles of the Dragon of Deal's Gap, the Blue Ridge Parkway... and just the mapping the trip, to the long ride up there.... Well?  I left a broken, drifting woman... and came back as the beginning of the stronger current version of myself.

Even getting my CDL and suddenly having more time off, more money, more travelling experiences?  I still see in my writings how LONELY I was. How I craved roots.  A home.  A companion. A family. As time went on, my dogs retired from travelling with me.  That is a very big hole still in me today. 

June 8, 2008 I prayed back through in Cooper City, Florida.  There I found such love, such hope... if God has a human face? There was patient love and concern at the church there. 

Over time, the loneliness has eased. Yes, still flare ups. Holidays are rough. Missing my girls like crazy. I suppose I still think about a companion... although, by now, I think a dog would be plenty.  And I am growing in the LORD, finding the servant's heart and giving of my affection, finances, attention to those I meet along the way. Staying connected through church, social media, and nurturing relationships with family and friends,,, when the easy way out would be to just stay in my own shell. Seems the "safer" way would be to keep to myself. 

But God has poured so much grace and mercy into me. I have a testimony. I am blessed with abundance - tangible and the unseen, unmeasurable. I encounter Love everywhere I go, and try to reflect that Light out again.  To be the hands, feet, voice,,, to be used of God. Truth - you can NOT outgive God!

Lately, my musings have begun to repeat themselves. WHERE DO I WANT TO LIVE? Where do I want to work?  Why am I doing any of this?  I suppose after 7 years out here, it's reasonable to want to question WHAT'S NEXT?

Just this past week, it felt like going "home" when I drove a load through Asheville, Sylva, Bryson City etc. Saw familiar stores, mom and pop diners, and familiar routes I explored on my motorcycle that Autumn of 2006. 

A new longing has been gnawing me - when I do take "Time Off" I want it to be in the wild, untamed mountains, rivers, and open lands.  South Florida is choking my spirit.  But where would I go to church? Park my motorcycle, car, boat, receive my mail if I leave the familiarity and church of South Florida?

Gosh, is it time to hold my nose and jump off the Deep End again?  The churning in my tummy lets me know I am on to something.  One chapter is sliding off the page,,, the new pages beckoning. 

Someone I trust said some very kind things about words I had shared.  They have stirred me so I am copying them here .

 "Dear Poet: I have been reading your words for a few years now.  This particular entry has sensuality without sex, love without obligation, and care without expectation.  It reads like a chapter from a beautiful "inspired by" biography. "

We write in the pages of the Life we have been given, we all do this. We Process in ways that are as varied  as we are individual.  My Go To is to write.  Sometimes I reach out, often, the old habits of tucking and rolling to protect myself kick in and I do not share. 

My friend's words stir affirmations in me. I like that he sees these traits in me, and plan to live up to them, if only for myself. To be the best version of myself that I can be.  Challenge accepted!

My Intention for 2014 was shared in private with my oldest daughter.  It was simply "To Love".  The deep explanation, is not just to love others more (the EASY PART!), but to allow others to love me.  Letting others pour what they have of talents, wishes, hopes and dreams into the mixing pot. Even when someone has nothing to offer in material measures of the world and our spoiled culture, if they love one another as Christ so loved? To open myself. To enjoy this world with others, on their Journeys.  The Flow of Giving and Receiving of insights, experiences, valuables unclogged from my fears and reticence.

To become vulnerable again after all these years of SELF: Determination, Reliance,  Provision, Love, Care.

I see the fruits of this awareness when I begin to experience  passions, such as a desire to live somewhere, to belong, to have roots, foundation and a base to support the  branches available to be by my job as an over the road truck driver.

That allowing LOVE in scares me? Signs like blinking neon that I am to move towards this unknown. 

I've stared into the abyss. I've wished for death, I've tread water. I've stepped out of my Comfort Zone. I've created, recreated and created myself over and again. 

It's just now that I see the sweet stirrings of Spring in my life as well as the natural world. From the pungent flowers, to the myriad colors, to the sounds of life around me, I am drawn out of my truck, my comfort, and my hiding place into the world around me. 

It's a lot like riding my motorcycle. Put the helmet on, create the environment, and let go! Blowing the cobwebs out, releasing tensions, trying new things, taking a "wrong" turn and letting Life show me her majesty! 

Years ago, I could not abide the bittersweet of Country music. Getting to where I can avoid the harsh pain and enjoy the hopeful happiness.  Reminded that Brad Paisley's "When I Get Where I'm Going" says what my words can not convey. "Yeah when I get where I'm goin,

There'll be only happy tears. I will shed the sins and struggles, I have carried all these years. And I'll leave my heart wide open, I will love and have no fear. Yeah when I get where I'm goin, Don't cry for me down here."

The link to Brad's YouTube video is here ---->>>   When I Get Where I'm Going

Writing my own story,

Janet M. Olsen

~J~

"When  Get Where I'm Going"

(Feat. Dolly Parton)
When I get where I'm going,
On the far side of the sky,
The first thing I'm gonna do
Is spread my wing and fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion,
And run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what its like,
To ride a drop of rain

(Chorus)
Yeah when I get where I'm goin,
There'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles 
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm goin,
Don't cry for me down here

I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy.
And he'll match me step for step.
And I'll tell him how I missed him
Every minute sence he left,
Then I'll hug his neck.

(Repeat chorus)

So much pain and so much darkness,
In this world we stumble through.
All these questions I can't answer,
And so much work to do

But when I get where I'm goin,
And I see my maker's face,
I'll stand forever in the light,
Of his amazing Grace.

Yeah when I get where I'm goin,
There'll be only happy tears.
I will love and have no fear.

The Butterfly Chaser's Letter

Today was a turning point for me! 

Have you ever been drawn to follow a bird, a butterfly, or the sounds of the woods until you are IN the forest?  The noises and movement that attracted you becomes eerily still. 

Do you wait, stand still, and simply breathe in and out?

Perhaps you BECOME a part of the forest, and one by one, nature entrusts you with her glory and she begins moving, breathing, singing again in and around you.

Today, I entrusted a friend of mine with a letter that was long in coming.  I began to "write" and all of the recent anxieties that grip my heart and throat poured out in a rush!  I wrote in a safe place, to a safe friend.  This reminds me some of prayers to God.  In my case, my personal cross that I bear and submit daily is my driving reliance on SELF - self-motivation, self-determination, self-provision, and so on. 

People like to mention the good things they see in me such as the Light (of God), my bounce and joy (of God) and my strength,,,, ut oh, too often that strength is "of Jan".  I end up bearing way more of the burden of this crazy life than I was ever designed to do.

My health, sleep, attitude, and spiritual life is drained by this SELF problem.

Funny, I didn't really write about SELF to my friend. He already knows me, and knows my issues and inner struggles.  No, today, I released the angst that bound me in knots lately. I told him at the end of the letter that I KNEW the weight was lifted, the chokehold burst!  Grateful!

I feel like today was a failure or shortcoming, when measured by own critical SELF barometer. I am an agressive and determined person, and as a driver, that is an asset.  Yet, today, I allowed personal weakness to stop me short of the goal.  I will make the same money on this trip whether it posts this week or next.  Usually, I rely on mySELF and I push through any physical, mental, emotional or spiritual pain.

Not today.

Instead, I parked 150 miles early, making it a grossly negligent short day on my job.  I felt led to get out of the truck to walk a bit.

That's when I heard IT!  The Siren call of the katydids in the wooded rest area!  Drawn further into the shadows, the songs of home in Central Florida and my youth rose and surged like the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir.  Only this time, it was God's Creation!   I stopped just in the path and took first one cleansing breath, then a second, then, closing my eyes, a third, and I BECAME a part of the chorus of breath and pure expression God offered.

I am seeing light ahead of me from a recent battle.  It has been detailed and threatened my loved ones and ways I know to move in Life with them.

As for the Butterfly Chaser in me?  I remember in Fall 2011, God gave me a gift of a paid, working trip from Florida, all up through New England during the peak of Autumn colors.  On I-77 as NC gave way to VA, Maurice and I were talking. This was early in our friendship.  I remember telling him "I chose to be very Present and very grateful for today and this trip. If you want to share my joy WITH me, then we can talk along my drive.  But if you have need to be negative or to pop my Happy Bubbles?  Then we need to hang up and catch later.....  we ended up talking later.

There is nothing wrong with either of our approach to a day or to Life.  Over our year, I have found we complement each other well and add texture to the facets that make us who we are. 

This is where I am in this very Present Moment.  Anyone can CHOOSE to get in my bubble and share the gratitude, love, and forgiveness I have towards Life and others,,,, or we can hang up for awhile and see if we reconnect along the way. 

You choose.

For now?  I am content at becoming ONE with God's creation and experiencing the fullness of his glory again.

Thank you for every prayer, every word, every thought, every shared moment. 

I am back.

I am LION, hear me ROAR!
~Janet M. Olsen
~Jan~

ps. as I closed this, another driver came up to me, inviting me to join him and his wife for prayer. PEOPLE- I am at a rest area in rural Tennessee! only GOD feeds the sparrows like that! Only GOD!!!

This Must Be My Writing Space

I had a great laugh out loud just now.  I had packed my duffle bag with dress and playtime clothes anticipating  the next 2 days off duty from my semi truck.  I am backed into a dock in one of the tightest receivers we frequent. I had sent texts to a handful of people to touch base to remind them I have not forgotten them or their faithful patience. I had conditioned and combed through my unruly, truck driver's bed head.   And then I plopped into the driver's seat.  I refreshed my web browser and had a WAVE of GRATITUDE come over me.  

It seems this location is prime Writing Space?  Once when I was here on December 29, 2010 a torrent of words fought to get typed in a coherent form and I spewed all of the "IT" that had been holding me bondage to dis-ease, unforgiveness, pain of heart and of body!  I wrote over 12 pages on a PDF and when I was wearily trying to find a cute ending?  I was so darned relieved to be free of the poison of "IT" that had sat so deep in my soul and gut all of my entire life!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I was speechless :)

Quick to recognize that GRATIUDE feeling, I had an urge to write again.  A follow-up of GRATITUDE for the recent battles. As quick as I could, I cued up this blog, and the USUAL happened here again.  Just as I crack my knuckles and sharpen my pencil to write? The receiver comes out to say I am done and I am free to leave.

WOW! 

See, this is a perfect example of things not being as hard or bad as they seem.  I dread this receiver for all the logistical hoops it takes just to get to the dock door.  It's to the point I will beg for a different load when I see this one pop up.  But once I just do it, and set the brake, backed up to the dock door? I always have the most beautiful of clarity and clear space rush through me.

It's like when you are practising yoga and in a sublime Kundalini experience, your Chakras all align suddenly. After the initial pop, and rush of clear fluid and slightly nauseating WHOOSH from utter dismay to peace?  Well, the room, the space around you, and the people you share the energy with all uniquely BREATHE in PEACE, HARMONY, and JOY.

Or in a prayer service, when you KNOW each of you have God in you, and you assemble together, that MOMENT when God's Shekinah glory just covers and infuses everyone present as you come into a place of "one mind, one accord" and God is free to move from among the stuff and shadows we humans carry like sacks of burdens.    You can smell His aroma, feel the warmth, see His light, and peace and Knowing floods your soul.

THAT is what I get when the inspiration to write settles on me like a mantle at this "writing space" in Pompano Beach.....

Now, I am ready to move on, and did not yet write the GRATITUDE stuff after all.  Big grin!  I am already feeling the let down of tension and the release of having said "IT" because I took time to BE Gratitude, to FEEL Gratitude, and to ALLOW Gratitude.

This time, I talked to Alisha by text message and to my special friend who is many, many miles and time zones away.  And they let me tell of my Grateful Mood,, and they both had sincere  FLOODS of clarity, inspiration, and Gratitude also.  I am smiling as  we built a triad of East coast, Heartland states of Indianna, and of the Rocky Mountain.... three hours on the clock,  three heartbeats, ONE MESSAGE!  Hopeful GRATITUDE!!!

From my last blog questioning WHY of God, to today, so many GOOD shifts for so many I am intimately involved with.   Nanci is rocking the state of Florida's education System. Angel and Aaron spent a precious surprise weekday visit with me. Angel got great news from the doctor regarding her knee injury and a new plan of action.  My special friend has had hope and inspiration breathed into his situations. Alisha has gotten moved into her new apartment, is safe, and is establishing a routine and consistent experience of SUCCESSFUL moments in her new life as a single mom and warrior. 


When I was down, I surrounded myself with people I trusted to have my back. They had empathy, compassion, and a ready hand or ear to hear.  We covered the 24 hour clock by exhorting one another to hang in there, try this, hold on!!! 

And the new week is smoothing out to a tolerable rumble.

Now that I am on the swing of emerging from that down funk and period of self-doubt, once again, God provides me with the miraculous by sending my special friends, family and loved ones to parade their joys and triumphs as well.

I am just so GRATEFUL!

For now, I have a 3 star, luxury hotel that I paid less than 40% of the normal rate to enjoy beckoning me. I missed church this morning, but I have the opportunity to enjoy God's creation now, and freshen up in time for service with POCC tonight.
 

My semi is parked, bags packed, heart and mind renewed and I am inspired again.

Writing and listening to my Inspirationators.

Jan M. Olsen

~J~

II John v. 12

What I Hear When The Noise And Clamor Ceases

It has been an interesting time lately.  Feeling led to sit to write a note to say that all is well and that I am okay.  I sense a need in me to give thanks, see the rainbows and pause to smell the lilies of the fields.

One of my roles as a person has me gravitating to being the Go-To guy.  I am the oldest in my family. I am the mom and Nana. I mentor a continuous thread of dear people. I train and recruit. I am the rescue 911 driver in the trucking business. I am head of household.

This has me wondering how to be the best in all I do? Trying many combinations, some things work better than others. This past month has been a season of slowing down, whether I wanted to or not. I found refuge in my faith and solace in the quiet. After the initial shock of sudden cease of forward motion and chattering clamor? The heartbeat of pleasant silence surrounded me like a mother’s womb. Soon, I found myself resting in God and trusting him to take me where he designed me to attend. What peace to just let go, fall, and believe.

Even though I am tentatively moving out into the stream of life surging around me again, I still feel the effects of the solitude, rest and restoration gained while I shut out the world for days that turned into weeks.  Eager to work and continue in Life, I am also sensitive to the cues around me to be quiet, still, and patient.  And trust me, all of the last 3 are quite a chore for me!

For every concern I could name? I can quickly find the blessing in it.  Yes, my parents have a tree breaking one limb at a time and tearing holes through their house.  Yet, no one has been injured and my Dad is a handy man.  Yes, I was out of work a very long time and forced to rest. But hey, I had a motel room every night that I needed it and all the amenities of bed and running water.  This list could go on for many pages, but suffice it to say, I am inspired by how Life is turning out to be quite capable of turning on its own course.  Thankful for the balance that God chooses of solitude, company and interactions.

Recently I rode out a severe South Florida thunderstorm on the beach, wrapped in a bedsheet and praying to not be struck by lightning. When the threat rumbled away, I enjoyed the cool clingy dampness of muddy sugar sand caressing my bare feet, flexing, filling the space. Later my footsteps rolled across warm asphalt, steaming across a parking lot.  The simple notice of the senses of touch, smell, sound, taste, and sight just filled my being with joy and gladness to be experiencing this very moment in this exact time. No one else felt or saw the rain on my face quite like I did. I surely had the entire beach alone as far as my eyes could see.

Choosing to take the down times as opportunities to write, my every being is grateful for the intellect to search for words to express my heart and soul.  There is freedom here. It is a gift to have time to write.  I have been gentle with myself in this recent bout of Process and have been tenderly sorting my wishes, hopes, and dreams. I am determined to champion all that is GOOD and RIGHT instead of giving attention to what may be lacking or wrong.

I am definitely celebrating the lives of myself, my girls, family and friends, and I am not judging them or placing limits on God in their lives.

This season set apart does not seem to be a calling to brokenness. This time it feels like an expectant pause, a pregnant miracle, growing, developing, maturing. I have had extremely potent bursts of clarity, energy, pure divine revelation and an excess of hunger for the fullness of the present moment. I am here in this place for a reason. There is gratitude that wells up in me for this new direction, vision and hope.

Resting, listening, in the calm that comes when the clamor ceases, I am beginning to be sensitive again to hear the still, small voice of calm.

Attentively listening,

Jan M. Olsen

~J~

Counting On It

60 Seconds in a  minute/ 60 minutes in an hour.
3,600 seconds in an hour/ 24 hours in a day.
86, 400 seconds in a day/ 7 days in a week.
604, 800 seconds in a week/ 52 weeks in a year.
31, 449, 600 seconds in a year.

That's what my mind has managed to boil my existence down to at this moment.

31, 449, 600 seconds in a year. I can not add seconds to the regular 365 days a year. If I live the entire year from beginning to ending, I can not actually reduce the number of seconds. The question is never really in how many seconds I have left to use in my lifetime of seconds, minutes, days, weeks, years, but rather how did I spend that exact factual numbered supply? I actively control or affect the latter.

As a person, I describe myself as passionate, on fire, shaking and baking, busy, invigorated, optimistic, emotional, loving, driven, tenacious, forgiving, intelligent, motivated, inspired, always learning, dynamic, curious, open, tender, giving, serving,  full of gratitude. I know that list is not focussing on grammar or form.   It is more important to me to spit a whale out of the pit of my tummy right now than it is to make it come to sense to anyone, but me!  I need a moment of my own clarity and understanding. I'M WORKING ON IT!!!

I've prayed about it.  Meditated. Read material. Written. Practiced free-writing just prior to this stint at the computer. I've slept on it, dreamed of it, or tossed and turned over it.

The concept of  free writing is something that results in  several thoughts tumbling from me at once. Today, I looked "free writing" up online again and chose an educational, no frills site. Then I decided to follow their format. This included setting a timer, not stopping, not editing, not judging, and choosing a topic to write about. In my own off beat sense of humor?  I chose "Free Writing" as the topic. Why?  I was curious what would come up?

I am into the details of how and why.  That is a bit annoying at times like free writing, praying, meditating, etc.  I know why I do this.  It came up several times this past week.  I heard myself saying in my head, or even muttering out loud, "Damn! I was set up to fall short on this.  That's going to show as a "fail".  Fail is an angry word in my vocabulary. I HATE TO FAIL.  If you do this, Jan, you will fail." 

I have had a lot of exposure to old concepts that came to me in fresh ways this past 11 months.  Some of it is so simple, it was hard. Some of it was hidden among the stuff of life.  Some of it I  was conditioned to get over it, move on. Some of it, I just accepted, tired of bucking the flow upstream. Some of it, habit or traditions held me bound.  Some of it religion or dogma put fear in my spirit and I stayed shy away from either the Unknown, or the unsafe.

 Some of it was brand spanking new to me, some of it I just kept pushing back, staying in my roll with the flow mode that gets me through all kinds of life drama or issues.   That last one, rolling with the flow, is a survival tool I've had to engage, seems like all my life.  Just get through it, move on, and hope I learned a thing or two?

As a person, I get very uptight thinking that I might fail, and it sometimes causes the very thing I am worrying over.  The concept I recognized this year was "what you reflect out of you, is what you attract to you." Even as I type this, my stomach is roiling, my jaw is clamped,  my hands keep clenching, my posture is slumped and my eyes keep drifting off screen.


  The day is beautiful in Central Florida, but my focus is lax and I think it keeps trying to protect me, to push me back just under an alarming level? The fact I can't focus even is ticking me off, and I see I am going in circles. "Failing" again. This time to sort out or stay on a topic.  Just as I wrote that?  I huffed an angry growl that would have smoked my laptop into an incendiary heap of smoldering ash if I was a dragon. UGH!  I have been in and out of that stage of an aggravated huff for quite a while now!!!

Here is a bit of my shot gun spray of angst. Some of it came out in my free writing exercise.  As I wrote most of it? I noticed myself pushing my way through to humor. That's another survival tool. If you can laugh about a situation? It may not be as bad as you once thought, it might relax if it is bad, and you can definitely ease up and get into the "roll with the flow" stage if you can laugh about it.


  As I was free writing? My mind was still so uptight, it kept telling me "you can't edit it , per the "RULES", so don't screw it up the first time to begin with.  Just keep it light, so you can keep moving. Don't get serious or grey. Don't fail this too, Hooper!"

hmmmm... is that a sign of something more deeply ominous?  All week I referred to myself by an old name, my maiden name.  Hmmm?

To free write? I paid careful attention up front to "get everything right". I located looseleaf paper. I found me a lid to a storage unit to use as a desktop. I found the timer function on my EVO and even restarted it. I wanted to set it for ten minutes, but I got edgy that pushing the start took up my seconds. So I actually set it for 10 minutes, 30 seconds, to give me time to turn and address my paper.  I fidgeted with the Sirius Xm selections.


  I love classical and symphonic music, but I found myself grooving to the beat. If anything had voice? I was straining to decipher it. I settled in with cool jazz, only every 5th song or so has any lyrics to it. The station is called Watercolors, and when I think of that word, I think of light shades of blue, watery, mixxing and fading across a clean canvas. Beginning to drip, swirl, tilt.. blend.  That seemed a good moodsetting  for writing.

  Finally, I stopped all that bustle and I truly did the three deliberate, slow breaths that I learned this year. What a gift!

I didn't have a pen on hand that I like.  I am adamant to write with blue ink when it is for personal or pleasure use.  And I don't like the pen to be smooth grip, or medium point.  The only blue pens on my truck now are slick bics or a Pilot knock off with a broken plastic sheath.  So the pen bent at the tip, wobbling as I wrote and I kept noticing it. Annoyed.  Wow.  I am really cranky, lol.

I chose the topic Free Writing because just those words make me smile.... okay, they make me grin and internally giggle.  I feel the corners of my eyes crinkling and my heart gets skippy in a happy beat.  This is a result of when I first "discovered" the term, I asked three people I trust to tell me what all the buzz was about.  And all three of them laughed at me, or should I say, with me? I was sheepish to ask. They all three got sparkles of good humor, that radiated out in their reply.  I can not rein in a a goofy giggle in my heart to think of the phrase "free writing". So I chose  a subject that both infuriates me and makes me laugh. That's a typical experience right now, in the exact SECOND I am living.

Whew, that was wandering.  My mind is doing a lot of that drifting stuff lately. ANYWAY!  What I came up with in the free writing exercise in ten minutes was just exactly how much TEN MINUTES costs or affects. And YES!! That is my anxiety!  That is my "fail". That is what is twisting and turning me into knots.  As I defined it in my ramblings today, this ten minute exercise is JUST ANOTHER item to add to my "Things To Be Done" list. 

Ten minutes by itself is a small number. That's only 600 seconds out of a year.

But when the "LIST" keeps tacking STUFF on every day?
Or when items really should be given more than ten minutes to be adequate?

I'm overwhelmed and out of time before I begin.

I failed.

Sigh.....

10 minutes to pray.
10 minutes to breathe.
10 minutes to meditate.
10 minutes to read.
10 minutes to write.
10 minutes to exercise.
10 minutes to love.
10 minutes to serve.
10 minutes to give.


Many of those on that list above should have 30-60 minutes- EACH AND EVERY DAY!!
Yet, just at the bare bones? Before breakfast or a shower?  It's already 90 minutes, or one and a half hours of my exact 24 hours a day.


Each advocate says their exercise is the one necessary to be life-changing or meaningful. As it all adds up, I feel the weight of my shortcomings on my soul. I feel the strain to add even one more routine to my unstructured work and lifestyle.  See? In doing the exercise, I almost talked myself out of doing, while still in the process of doing it.

Confused yet?  Here's another one for you.  I am not into jokes that find their humor in degrading or injuring another.  One of the rare exceptions so far, has been an NPR Radio show on Saturdays called, "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me."  I find it to be funny, a bit risque, and yet, somewhat a funny way to present portions of truthful events.  I live in a technical era that offers so many ways to get the gratification I search for.  If my laptop internet streams too slow for live-streaming?  If SiriusXM doesn't have it?  The new Android most likely has it somewhere.



  My EVO has an application called "Tune In Pro" that allows me to search and tap into live streams of radio WORLDWIDE. I can listen now, record these to listen to later, fast forward, rewind, etc.  I can search by title of a program, local station, genre, or just by letting the Android tell me what is on. Over 5,000 options.  By the way, even for a multi-tasker like me? That is 4, 999 more radion stations than I can enjoy at one time!

I knew August 20, 2011 was Saturday.  Where was my NPR radio show?  I made it my agenda to LAUGH dammit.  Man!  I ended up being thwarted in every corner and aggravated at trying to find what I put my hopes on to make me laugh!  Aiyiyiyi!

 The program is contingent upon good cell phone signal coverage.  And my opinion? Sprint has the absolute lousiest coverage of all the providers!  As I drive on my job, I am forever having to reboot my Sprint computer aircard for my laptop and my cell phone to get back in the stream.  How annoying! 

If I am recording on Tune In?  Well, it gets a burp in the stored program every time I lose signal or have to reboot.  Yesterday? I swear it seemed like every time it was a punchline to a joke, or an answer to a question? A wrinkle in time and I lost signal!!!  Grrrr.

So, I had a brainstorm!!!  This is at least a nationwide NPR program.  I could find it in, say, Pacific time zone and program it to record for later.  Meanwhile, I stumbled upon podcasts of "Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me" with weekly dates up to August 13th.

FINALLY!!! This is where I found humor to make up for the humorous radio I was being gypped of!  Here is my punchline - " Next week's podcast will be last week's broadcast copy of today's show."

I simply need to be patient 604,800 seconds until this time next week, to hear today's show.

It failed to humor me then, that all of the podcasts are new material to me, since I just discovered them yesterday.

To sum this all up, as I can feel my steam is seeping out?  The "Do XXXXX or you will fail, Jan" comes from my work on my job as a truck driver.  It was when I was a lease operator and my aggressive driver manager pushed his equally aggressive driver (me) to succeed in the business model. 

450 miles a day or you will fail, Jan.

750 miles on Monday, did not excuse a 350 mile day on Tuesday. To the pair of us?  I had shown I had the potential for a 750 mile day each and every time.

It also goes back to a phrase I heard all through my growing up years. "You are falling so far below your potential. What a waste."... well, somehow, that didn't motivate me to "SHOW THEM",,, it eventually came to, "Well, FINE, I won't fricking ever be good enough anyway, so I aint gonna bust a gut trying this time either."
 
Today, I refuse to fall into that trap or lie!!!

I end up leaning more to the "450 miles a day or you will fail" mentality.

Push myself to my edge, then tomorrow? Strive to BETTER MY BEST.

This can be a powerful tool to spur me onward.  Right now though, it is making me tired to my core of always falling just short of the mark I set in my own path.  Especially since I do not control many aspects of trucking business. 

The only parts I do control? MY alarm clock, my calendar, my time spent attending to the driving, the fewer, shorter stops better.

I am watching my life pass by at 62 mph in a huff of sick diesel fumes.

Currently, I have an agressive driver manager again.  This man does not believe he needs to consult me when he plans my loads. He expects me to go when and where I am told, when he tells me to do so.  This grates on my every last nerve.

I am an intelligent, thinking, rational human being and I can choose when and where, how and what route to go,,, as long as the WHY is covered,,, which is simple - safe! on time! pick up and delivery! professional, attentive customer service at my own HIGH STANDARD.

The driver manager discovered I will run my heart out.  So he has gotten a bad habit of planning me back to back, grueling, very tight deadlines that "rescue" loads and drive his/my miles up per week.  It pays to have me on a fleet.  It pays me to have a manager like him behind me. Together? We are killing my desire to keep going on!

This week?  I pushed HARD out of the gate!  Almost immediately, circumstances caused me to sit 20 hours UNPRODUCTIVE, then "help me out",,, so I ran hard and furious to back his play.

Got to the next one? He has booked me back to back, no wiggle room. I had better plan on a tailwind to push my truck 63 mph, and not drink any water that day.

Get almost to the destination (projected on time, btw) and he slings me to rescue another driver's load, who is already TWO fricking hours late.

I have remained in that 1-2 hour late status the rest of the week.  You can't make it up.

i am failing at my job. Just as I failed to not overthink free writing. Just as I failed to see how in God's green earth I can add ONE MORE 10 minute routine to my day!!!!!!!!!!

Will I get relief?  COUNT ON IT!  Will I perservere? Yep!  Will I get righted and get on top of my own work ethic? You bet your A$$.

Right now? I have 100 minutes. That's  6,000 seconds left before I have to blast off on a Sunday to commence today's effort to catch up from the hell hole of "failures" of last week.  How I spend that finite, exact, specific allotment of "time"?

Is up to me.

Getting off the computer to find a way to raise my emotions, my vibrations and my attitude?

Count on it,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Where Are Those Elusive ZZzzzzS?

For one reason or another, I have not been on the blog to write deeply in awhile.


When it comes to Angel and Aaron? My words get jammed up. Stuck somewhere between bile in my stomach and an ache in my heart. My opportunity to exercise and grow in my LOVE, GRATITUDE, AND FORGIVENESS.

Work has been awesome!! I certainly know that today could be a feast, and tomorrow a famine! At the moment, I am making more miles per week than my brother with his 15 yrs driving experience. Also, I make 3.5 cents per mile MORE than he does!

My only complaint, if it that is even the negative word for it? Is that somehow I got flipped to driving the night shift. I have been asking to get solar -powered again. Now that it is the weekend? I am going to take this opportunity of less staff in the offices and I am going to bed in a few minutes (4pm) and not getting up until I wake up on my own!!!! Sometime Sunday :)

I have a huge amount of wishes, hopes, and dreams percolating right now. Yet, I am not writing much at all, anywhere. Still here. Just waiting... on inspiration. On release. On Relief. On clarity.

Meanwhile, I reach out to others. Both for my own support and to bounce ideas with me. And I reach out to others. Often, people are seeking me. Which is fine too. I am flowing as the Spirit directs and remaining open to the incoming and outgoing flow of energy and inspiration.

Remaining grateful for friends, family, and loved ones that pray with me, that ride vicariously with me OTR, and that Journey this crazy thing we call LIFE with me. I am very blessed. Abundantly.

My desire is to serve and love others with all I have within me.

Let it be, Lord, let it be.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Still Here and There

It's been a day or so since I have entered into the blog.  No real reason. Not over busy at work. Not any one thing I can pinpoint.  A myriad of Life Experiences.  Learning to be grateful for every turn in my roads. So fallible.  So human.

For a long time, I thought I was making progress in the equilibrium of the chaos of my life, health, relationships, P-P-F, spiritual walk, etc.

I'm still not ready to fully discuss what all happened the weekend of December 4, 2010 when I went to see Angel. I am still trying to weed out the blessings from among the thorns.  I was a TERRIBLE person... and it just breaks my heart. I can't do that again. EVER.

The up-side is that this weekend of Dec 11-12th was out of this world amazing!  Angel and I both have bittersweet gifts of forgiving, trusting souls.... and it stood us in good stead!  Then to share a part of our lives (church) with my brother, Michael???  Was just unspeakeable glory and abundant merciful grace.

Also, not able to share the details of this time either.

Matter of fact, not sure why I am writing here, this minute at all????  I have so many scraps of paper,, journal pages, notes began on the word processor, email drafts to myself, that I didn't even send TO ME.... I am bound up in knots in my words.

That is another sad thing,, I had been doing SO GOOD to let all the scars and wounds get healing air.... and I screwed up so bad that I am ashamed to even write it.

ALthough, it happened?? It just tears me apart.

I sat in my truck, for more than an hour today. Mesmerized, turning my hands over, and over, and over.  Looking at the scars. Plenty to look at. Callouses, scars, disfigurements.

Of special note were the injuries 1 yr, 2 yrs, a decade old. How did they heal? At what point did infection or injury turn the corner to new tissue, stronger joints, bones, skin? I remember each step. Especially the March 2009 Dallas-born, crescent shaped scar where I had nine stitches, lost a piece of bone, and GOD grew a new joint UP to meet the knuckle line, and then GOD closed an infected, swollen, fevered, oozing wound that wouldn't even support stitches.

How did I get here? When did I lose control?
So,, there is a a damn dam in my spirit where only recently I had pulled my finger out of the dyke and the hell inside broke loose in a fury, a raging torrent of words,  and then formed to a more meaningful river,,,

now?  i am still here.  Still going there. 

One day,,, one breath,,,, one decision.... one at a time.

Janet M. Olsen
~J~

Organizing My Blessings :)

 Sunset at Black Rocks Beach, San Diego, CA January 2009

 Today was a laidback, do little day.  Trucking is feast or famine. It was all about the WAITING and cancellation game.  Trusting God has me in his sights. For instance, I had a load going to Sunrise, FL where my car is. It cancelled at 4:30pm.  THEN I find out that I-95 sb is shut down in Orlando-area due to a wildfire!  See???  God knows where I am, and what's best for me.  Rest and time to JUST BE was a definite GIFT today.

Went back to the doctor for my weird fever and joint issues. Endured labs, tests, really dumb questions... Honestly, feel like it was a waste of time.  The injections certainly wreak havoc on my tummy.  In the words of a song by Martina McBride,  "You can pour your soul out singin' / A song you believe in / That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang / Sing it anyway."... so here tonight on my truck, singing to the angels, to God, and to cheer myself.  My neighbors will need therapy, but who am I?  LOL.

At my ONE year anniversary of becoming an OTR truck driver and of having a career, I wrote a 12 page typed account. That letter is posted here on my blog.  I did a much smaller letter at the second year anniv.

This year, July4th was the THIRD anniversary.  I didn't remember writing specifically to commemorate THAT day.  This past year, a season of LOSS and PAINFUL CONFUSION, losing the baby, the beatings, the rape, the giving up of being a TRAINER and MENTOR and Owner Operator with Stevens Transport out of Dallas, TX had played havoc with all of my health.  My mind, my body, my soul,,,, yet, somehow it didn't quench this indomitable spirit that fights within me to shine forth.

Sunset at Black Rocks Beach, San Diego, CA January 2009

Waiting on another driver, I cleaned my truck out while I sang.  We are to keep Trip Paperwork, Logs, etc for 3 weeks, then we can discard them.  I had a cabinet with all of them since my hire date May 17, 2010.  UGH!!!  Included were the spiral notebooks I write Trip Dispatches in.  I know me,, I write wherever I can find space, so before I chunked the old spirals I looked inside??

I FOUND AN 8 PAGE FRONT AND BACK HANDWRITTEN JOURNAL of my THIRD YEAR ANNIVERSARY highlights!!!  I don't remember it, but there it was!!!

And it was a list of BLESSINGS of all I had DISCOVERED to that point in July 2010!!!! 

Sometimes,, I amaze even myself.  Of all I am not comfortable with- of all I don't have closure or peace with - of all the hurt and guilt I still carry --------- I wrote EIGHT PAGES (16) FULL OF BLESSINGS AND GRATITUDE!!!!!!

 This past year, (year and half now) I had so much pain and loss,,, when I lost my baby, and my body was so broken and ill???  I wished sooo many times that I could die.  Just let me go.   Yet, BECAUSE of that vulnerability, I was extended love and grace, FIRST from GOD,  then from Pastor Hattabaugh and the Warriors at POCC, and then slowly, as I heal and process,,,, it is beginning to come FROM me TO me also.  That has only just begun in the last couple of months through amazing timing and gifts..

One thing I did toss out, that I may regret?? As an O/O I was used to keeping every scrap and receipt for income taxes for my Profit Loss Statement.... I just threw away things that I claimed last year.  I was only an O/O up to Valentine's Day this year.  I hope my lack of saving receipts doesn't bite me in the rear later???

Learning to meditate is so awesome.  I can't say I am skilled at it. I am self-taught, so I am sure I can learn, learn, learn!!!  I already pray and am very in touch with the Spirit-world,,, both of Good and of Evil.  As an Intercessor I see and hear alot.  But meditating has been good to first UN-focus me,,, then, RE-focus me.  Kinda a WOW-Concept.  I'm an odd bird, I get it :)

So mellow.  Still very ill,,, very in pain. Very wore out in  body, which has gone on so long now, my spirits get tapped too quickly.  But I am in MAJOR chill back mode.  The truck being straight and lighter??? Is really cool to me!  Soon as I can get by my car,, more of the extra clothes etc are coming off.

My blessings are lined up like Warriors around me, like friends at a bonfire on the beach.  I have my Tim Janis "Water's Edge" cd playing, I can hear the waves, smell the salt in the air, and feel the wind tossing my hair... as my memories, good and bad,, my blessings too many to categorize,,, talk softly around the glow of the driftwood fire. The  annual November Taurid and Leonid meteors are zipping across the Eastern sky.  It's a nice night, here with myself, in my truck :-)

Sunset at Black Rocks Beach, San Diego, CA January 2009

Thankful and dwelling in my Blessing Place,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Not Much Of A Torrent After All

Does anybody notice when a pebble skims into the river?
 Or the dead body floating downstream?

(typing at midnight, eastern time, Sunrise, FL.  Sitting with my laptop balanced on the steering wheel of my semi truck "apartment". Windows down, chilly breeze carresseing my skin,, loving my soft thin flannel pajamas,,, some very gentle jazz,,, scents of the sprinklers and FL mixed bag aromas.... )

Just in the few minutes it took me to drive from Weston Publix to where I swap my car in Sunrise,and get back into my truck to sleep, I have run out of steam. Depressing,, I bought portions "for one"... maybe 16 oz of milk? 10 oz of meat?  Happy they have a great organic section.  Fresh bottle of Bragg's ACV,,, I also got lemon juice earlier today(drink it plain), fresh fruits, new supply of sour milk to chill and eat, I mean, yougart,,,and a few specific targetted herbal teas.... Drove by my most recent old apartment in Weston. I'm sure it has new tenants by now. I have been living in my truck since August. Thinking of my old roommate..

Now, I'm left with just disjointed fragments of the thoughts and pain I am in today.....  no one knows just how shattered and broken I am inside. I do believe it is a good place to be.. if I can just see the course,, and let God do the work he is so dilegently pursuing.

BUT OH MY GOD I HURT inside,, and with ALL MY BEING I WANT TO STOP THE PAIN...even if it means circumventing the "PROCESS" I am just so sore, and so wore out,, ,, I have literally cried all day,, from the beginning before dawn until this very minute. So  glad computer screens do not get run marks... Even in midday when I had to take the load on to Miami??? I cried then too. Most of it was weeping and anguish of deepest soul and heart.

I know why,,, I know what is up... I know what is going on.... I am just powerless to stem the tide or change the current.  I MUST ALLOW THIS SEASON ,,, for it has a lesson in it for me...but  I HURT,,, and sooo glad no one reads this.... it's the Good- Bye note no one ever finds, when the person takes their ink written notepaper and tucks it into their pocket before jumping off  a towering bridge into the frigid churning black waters below...

Several snapshots of today,,,, D,, bless her,,, imitating me.... she tried so hard,,, she only made me cry harder when she put her hand on my forehead to pray,, like i do to her.  She was at a loss,,, kinda cute, kept rubbing my back like I was one of the kids with a tummy ache,,,  kept telling me to not "blame myself" ,,,

((You gotta love Pentecostals in the altar,,, often times there's one person on each side ... one yells "HOLD ON!!"  and in the other ear one yells "TURN LOOSE"....))  done messed up that dude inside.

I always get cracked up and FRUSTRATED when well-meaning people THINK they know why I am in travail,, and say things like "stop beating your self up"  or whatever,,

STOP JUDGING ME, DAMNIT!!!!

Ever think??? Maybe my ANGUISH ISN'T EVEN ** ABOUT ME** ????

So here's precious D,, telling me we should go out to eat,, even if I have to go to work, I gotta get food first,,, she was clutching at straws,,, GOD DID NOT ENLIGHTEN HER ,,, and I could not,, ,WOULD NOT tell her any specific thing to agree in prayer with me on....  God tells me what to pray for others,,, She tried,,, and I appreciate her for it, even while wishing she would move on. She even followed me to the ladies room,, I had cried so hard I was trying not to be sick,, and well,, just   " Bless her LORD,,, Open her to the potential you have for her".Even in my own hurt, I worried she was taking my aloofness as personal rejection of her?? God I don't want to hurt another,,, but I didn't have it in me to play a role today. Forgive me?

And R A.,, with the beautiful glory of hair,,, she was worried,, she sat silent,, the best way to be at a time like I was in....  I SCARED HER TOO... she left,, when she came back she had brought me a plastic glass of cold water,,, I looked at it,, grateful,, but knew I was shaking too hard,,  I sighed i couldn't hold it,, and OMG R held the glass of water to my lips for me to drink of it,, to settle down...  I felt like a child...

I do feel that way...


I would have to say the greatest gift of all that was given in person, ,was the older lady saint, C,  (IN THE FUSCHIA TOP), she came up beside me with a "shimmy and c'mere girl" approach,,

 All i saw was a mother - figure that loves me,, and OMG she held me,, i didn't mean to cry then,,,,surely I will reach the end of this bottomless well of tears SOON??

 but I have wanted to be held ,,, i have been soo alone,, and I do not have love with my own mother,,, C held me "just right'.... and even when I pulled away,, probably 4 or 5 times,, I had no strength... and she stayed by by side,, I kept laying my head on her bosom...Wracked with fresh sobs and torments...

My thin strand of self-control was almost snapped asunder when C placed her hand on my heart and began to pray in the Holy Ghost over my heart.  She got the "closest" to the "right" need today... She asked me "who has broken your heart?"  as if she wanted the juicy gossip as if I were going to say I had been with a man or something.  She wasn't close at all then, lol.

"Nurturing" hold....  OH,,, how i wish i had that with my own mom...  a surrogate will do.. at Publix I have bought C a thank you card,,, and will leave it at the church office for her on Monday.

I know,, I believe,, I receive that a few specific people prayed for me,,, were concerned, but chose to stay apart, and pray from a distance.  They are the PERCEPTIVE ones,, the ones that GOD directs and gives the words to pray when I can not,,, not every thing has to be "laying on of hands",, although,, open to whatever God has.  Just know?? I recognize there is more of a force and that I was being prayed for. Thank you,,, And forgive me, please, I am sorry I texted so late.

I guess I fully intended to confess here in the privacy of the blog, to open up and really spill my heart,,, my guts are just pulled all out,, eviscerated, ,,but I am weary of it all... and so,, no,, I will not be telling why or what had me crying so much today...

I ccan say, I am not out of the woods yet.  I seriously hope GOD really is ALL THOSE "OMNI'S"  that we teach,, becasue I am in my truck alone and still broken.

Flat tire on my car when I got here to switch up at 10:30am and get to church,, and it was flat again when I came back after delivering in Miami  at 5:30pm this afternoon.  Added a "large car" can  size of Fix-A-Flat,,, and still had to add 20 psi of air.  I don;t have money to replace it,, and am not here on weekdays to get it done. So,, It will sit here in Sunrise seeping out all week,, and next Saturday,, for the 3rd time in a row, I will ahve to add Fix A Flat jsut to get to church.

all talked out,, got soft jazz playing,, ate a little something jsut so i could take my meds...176/ 104 ( almost low for me, lol) pulse at 92... Options of ways to lower all of the races... ok.

Today while grocery shopping in Miami Wal-Mart, I bought blank index cards, loose leaf notebook paper and folders.  I already began 2 new journals lately and was using one of them with the "exercises". Count me IN, though, so I assembled the tools suggested.

 its been a long life, I'm going to lay down.. AND PRAY i dont awaken screaming... that is getting really REALLY OLD!
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
both photos included in complete Picasa Web albums for further viewing of associated photographs.

Map? I Don't Need No Stinking Map

Okay,, that was said with humor and bewilderment.  It is jibing at how men won't stop and ask for directions,, but women will, supposedly because they don't know how to fold the map back on itself.

Also, I am out of my region.  I am in Springfield, MO and part of me was EXCITED to travel old, familiar roads. Today was a trip with old friends & landmarks, in new, dynamic seasons. The other part of me is wondering what am I doing here?  As a "regional" driver, I get paid less per mile than a "systems" driver,, so I am cheap labor.  That plays into the pounding ponder in my head of going OTR again.  Waiting until the Spring of course!!!  I have zero desire to get stuck in a blizzard for days with a pee cup and dry Ramen noodles.

So much is tumbling across the pallette of my mind, that I can scarcely "free-type" it fast enough.  In that arena I am "all over the map" too.  Between pen, paper, books in my hands,,,, and electronic media opening doors and windows I never knew existed???  I am a mess,,, in a good way, I think?

Raw,, OMG I am sooo raw these days.  Very up and down,,, very extremely tired of being sick in my body... and seeing the correlation of my state of mind and body is only twisting things more up in knots.

I stopped going to my "usual" doctors,,, I declare mutiny on medicines, ESPECIALLY INJECTIONS that make me sicker than they help,,, and the injections have to just wear off,,, 

Experimenting with all kinds of combinations of herbs, vitamins, supplements,  various teas and drinks,  all while still very IN NEED OF SERIOUS PAIN RELIEF!!!  The pain is the same on the inj meds or off,, but I am going CRAZY with need for relief!  I am ready to try most anything.  I have even been eating and drinking things that up until this point I disavowed.

Take ACV,,, WHY would I willingly drink something that comes out of my body as sweat etc and makes me smell like an apple flavored Easter egg???  I don't even have the dog here to blame!  LOL.

Or eat spoiled milk products ON PURPOSE???? C'mon are you kidding me?  How about tomatoes?? Do you get the same healthy benefit if you swallow it whole??? Because one of them made me gag, so I cut it in half and I REALLY hated the tomatoe giz then!! That is just SOOOOO gross!!

but,, I want to be healed in my body.

Then there's the whole "mind" thing... which is hurting, thumping btw.  I have read  & heard some things that are SOOOO FAR from my (probably) narrow,,,, limited thinking sphere????  That is just rocking my world.

Curiouser and curiouser,, I am finding that one click on the Information SuperHighway yields a HOST of OPTIONS for more,, and eventually,, you get to a place where the terms are starting to appear in each other's articles,,

I'm a big person on "CONFIRMATION" soooooo "out of the mouths of 2 or 3 (or more) let every word be established".

The challenge for me is to stay "ME" while BECOMING WHO I AM MEANT TO BE.

Whew,, State Farm ain't never gonna believe this....
============================================================
Experiencing nightmares again, I am putting off going to bed.  Just realized though, I also forgot to eat supper... so I ended up just now going into the C-store and spending $3.50 on a sandwhich that I really didn't want.  Must have food for my meds though.

The concept of screaming for release is not a new one to me.  In the early 1990's my husband and I participated in a 16 week, 4 weekend INTENSIVE Marriage Retreat situation.  One weekend we did the "Haircut" and the "Vesuvius",,, and pounded pillows with plastic bats.  I adapted that to me personally and I go to the golf driving range,, or in times of DIRE DISTRESS to the batting cages,,, SWINGING FOR THE FENCE 200 times in a row kinda unkinks my emotional knots as well.  Also,, at least once, I took an axe to a fence post,,,,

Another weekend session we "Bonded" - Taking turns in the Hotseat in the center of the circle and began to say,, then yell, then to SCREAM  "I need,, I Need,,,, I NEed..... I NEED,,, I NEEEEEDDD  " until something very PRIMAL snapped inside our gizzards and all of a sudden some STRANGER poured from our guts and we began to cry out all sorts of things...

Funny,,, it brought EVERYONE to an INTENSE BONDING *except my husband.  He held himself aloof.  He was the last to go,, and did it out of a rebellious attitiude,, and when his "cry" came out it was still controlled and accusatory to me and just tore me into a million MORE fragments than I already was....

Another session we practiced actual physical holds,, the "Nurturing" hold,, the "Bonding" hold.. and more,, I guess.  I have experienced those from Pastor Hattabaugh more in 2 1/2 years than I ever have in my entire 42 years!!!!!!!!!!!! 

But here I am tonight, dreading sleep and nightmares,,, the screaming that rocked the house this morning.  Worried that I have been screaming in my truck ,,,, or WORSE<, what if I have been screaming at people's houses?????  OOh boy!

Thinking of rudimentary meditation ideas,,, and between the TWO suggested EXERCISES (screaming or meditating) ,, I think that meditating is the one I will go with before bedtime.  I already do something along those lines that is RIGHT FOR ME... so this will just be an adaptation,, until I can learn how to do it by the book.

I have what I call a "Prayer Rug",,,, which for me,, it is a soft, plush high pile bath rug that I keep rolled up and put away.  I only bring it out SPECIFICALLY when I want to get barefoot, and SIT ON THE FLOOR of my home/truck,,,,  It provides a clean environment,, but it is also a signal to my brain and soul that I am engaging in something SPECIAL.

During times of sitting, subjecting myself etc on my Prayer Rug,, I often end up kneeling,, or VERY OFTEN completely prostrate and in UTTER SUBJECTION to the GOD that is moving me....communicating.... concentrating....

Times of being LOST in HIM,,, when I can actually RELAX and let my mind, my heart, my thoughts, my emotions,,LET IT ALL GO,,, and it even let's my body sag and go LIMP,,, sends me to another dimension.

So not sure why?? But to me,, after several exposures to "MEDITATION" through media and conversations???   It seems like it may be an extension of something I already enjoy and do regularly.

Like when "Free-Writing" was looked up, then explained by a few sources?  I am a bit put off that "Meditation" seems to be something I "already do"....  a silly pout going on here,,,,

I was hoping it would be A BIG ANSWER???? I am not discounting it,, I am just READY FOR CHANGE!!!  If you do the same things you have always done, you get the same results you have always gotten.  And those are not working for me anymore.. I NEED RELIEF and HEALING!!

ok,, closing this abruptly... I am tapped tonight. sigh....

Praying for sweet dreams for me and for you as well,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

A-H-RR-OO-W-LLL!!! COLD SHOWER! Yeah buddy!

I love not having a home to go to.. I mean that in deep humor.

 A  fun song by SirMixAlot says:
 "Transform scratchin', big beat matchin'

I can tell you're getting jealous by the look I'm catchin'"

yall just wish you could cold shower on the beach as a normal routine, like me!

 It is great to watch the funny looks I catch when I shampoo and condition my hair, soap up with a washcloth, and then apply all over body conditioner that rinses off!!   Love how soft the conditioner makes my skin and it makes the water bead up on me. I get salt and sand and suntan oil in my slitzs and take a shower before I get dressed, LOL.  I am usually headed straight back to work, or to church,,, tonight, it's not for a service, it is to serve by teaching/ being taught by the elders.

{{ 80 years old , Resident Angel- "you mean if you take that little grey cord and connect it into the back of that thing there, then the other end goes into your printer? Is that what you are telling me?"

But I do get tickled by whole shower bit... I am so nice and fresh and clean clean! Ting!  LOL... Smelling great,,,

 loved every second of my soiltude in and on the ocean... just me and my Creator!  Ahhhhh....

Will be driving from midnight,, no sleep since 9pm Wednesday,, but I will sleep tomorrow most likely???

WHat a gift today was!!  Love ya, Bro. Clark! Thought of you today! Will catch ya up on that later

Riding off into the Atlantic sunset :)
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Going Through Old Letters I Found This....

You WILL BE VICTORIOUS!! IN JESUS' NAME!!!

Pastor

On Sat, Nov 8, 2008 at 8:08 PM, Jan wrote:
Pastor Hattabaugh,
This will be the last letter I send for awhile.
8 November 2008, Saturday
St. Clair, Missouri
Alisha – Truth- - For Awhile

AWHILE
For awhile, I am going to drop off the internet scene. I am closing myself in. Getting shut away with God, taking hold of the horns of the altar in a death grip that says "I won't let you go until you bless me!!!!!!!!!" After this letter, I am beginning a fresh communications fast. I don't have a clear direction from God yet as to just how long this one will last. The one after Conference was only supposed to be 3 days , until I failed miserably on the first day and it became 4 days with a modified food fast too. This means no new email from me, no more Facebook or Myspace,,, not sure about journaling. Anything you wish to send to me,, will be there waiting for me when I return. You will still be able to keep up with me via checks in the mail.

I will not be looking up a church for Sunday either.

Simply tired of something having a hold on me. My past? The Present? The Future? Whether it is the enemy holding me 10 feet underwater upside down,, strangling me? Or God withholding directions and blessings from me until he gets through to my my hard head? Whatever it is, I am sick of being "HELD". I am gonna get serious with God.

I have no choice.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
ALISHA

Angel reminded me today of a few things. Not to let Ole be a stumbling block. Ole will not return mine or Angel's phone calls. I can see mine.. but Angel his daughter? Is he just busy? A jerk? Or does he have an arrangement with Alisha that he can be in her loop if he keeps Angel and I in the dark?

Also, not to let Alisha be a stumbling block. It is their right to decide to shut us out. Up to us how it affects us. Also of the dreams she and I were given of God separately back in August. Alisha is not either one of ours. She doesn't "belong" to me as a daughter or to Angel as a Sister. She is blood bought, purchased by God to himself, she is his, not ours. Jesus stands to lose a whole lot more in Alisha's rejection than we do.

So, I have updated my status on myspace. That way if Alisha looks me up again,, and is preparing another nasty letter to me,,, she will see quiet words of strength, from my heart. The reference to "Meet In The Middle" is a song that Lewis and I played for both girls once upon a better time, and we had a group hug and a long evening of dancing and holding each other close,,, bonding. It is a country song that simply says, "I'd start walking your way, You'd start walking mine, We'd meet in the middle 'neath that old Georgia pine, We'd gain a lot of ground, 'cause we'd both give a little, There ain't no road too long, when you meet in the middle."
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

TRUTH

The areas I will be focusing on:
1) My salvation and place with God. Sorry, but for once I have to be selfish and make this my number one priority.
2) My family to include parents and brother. Angel (& Aaron). Alisha (& Tony & ???).
3) The ministry and the churches and the families I have met so far since June nationwide.
4) Lost souls.
5) The breakthrough I keep getting laid hands on for. I have got to have an answer.
6) Loneliness and hopelessness. Especially here during the holiday season.

Questions to filter everything that I allow back into my life when I emerge from this season:

A) Is it edifying?

B) Does it glorify God?

C) Is it necessary?

D) Will it matter in 20 years?

E) Is it worth it?

F) Will it hinder me or anyone else in walking with God in a way that pleases him?

G) Am I being a good steward? Time, money, talents, abilities, energy?

H) Is it in proper proportions? Moderation?

I) Does it line up with the Bible?

I am broken of heart.


I possess a contrite spirit.


I am weary of fighting.


I am sick of my own stubborn self will and self determination stealing perfect joy and surrender in Christ.


I can't seem to get out of my own way.


I am desperate for answers. Peace. Guidance.


I am vulnerable and afraid.


I am going to boldly approach the throne of grace.


I will humbly present my body a living sacrifice.


I am standing on the solidness of God's unchanging WORD and Nature.


I will be victorious.

My request to you is that you pray for me. Thank you for your time, understanding, and prayers.
JAN OLSEN
~J~
"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Intro to New Ways of Doing Old Things

Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x33pvl_brad-paisley-dolly-parton-when-i-ge_music

I accept that it is time to step into the new millennium.  Old paper journals become tattered. Laptops crash. Flash drives get left next to magnetic fields emanating from cell phones.

Lately I realize how cathartic the scritch of pen and paper is. But my life is a shotgun blast of scattered spray right now.  Car, semi truck, and 2 storage units..... just not alot of organization to my chaos right at this exact breath of my life.

Recently told 3 people something that occurred to me.  It's a reflection of the disconnect I feel from my world.  Simply, mentioned that if I die??? Someone better darn well read my journal to discover that I lived at all.  That I was a vibrant, dynamic, humorous, intelligent and worth-while person to some Nth degree.

A year ago, my best friend had a folder with all my emergency contact information, my organ donor card, my Do Not Resucitate DNR, my life insurance, bank, and email access. This included keys &title to car, boat, motorcycle, birth certificates, SSN for my two daughters and myself, and my last 10 years of income tax returns.  This year? She handed me back the folder. What good does it do in a storage unit? Seasons change.

Now? Reckon they can read my doggone blog.  Yet another screen name, identity, password to remember. So, if I pass from this world to the next today?  No one will know I had these thoughts.

This saddens me. Thrills me. Challenges me. Provides the private screen I so covet & desire for pure open expression of my thought life. I can yell YOP right now,,, and no one will berate, judge, chastise, punish, slough it off, or kabitz on it!  How POWERFUL!!!

Translated, this means, the only one in my world right now is the omnipresent, omniscient, omnipowerful God who is everywhere I am, knows it all anyway when it is still just a thudding in my heart, and is the only one capable of moving his Sovereign hand to effect any LASTING change.

 And pushes my disconnect to a whole new level.

Words careening in my heart that come from others recently are source of my private ponder. Embrace. Abide. Breathe. Dream. Pray. Faith. Seek. Eternity. Reconciliation. Purpose.

So, enough  for the first sitting. I must find my scribbled notes to continue :-)

Jan M. Olsen

~J~

my funeral song:

Artist: Paisley Brad Song: When I Get Where I'm Going Album: Time Well Wasted

Brad Paisley Sheet Music Brad Paisley CDs

(Feat. Dolly Parton)

When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

(Chorus:)
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.

I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck.

(Chorus)

So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.

But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going.
Yeah when I get where I'm going.