Letting Go I Win, Holding On I Lose

That title is old, coming from the LIFE CHANGING radically impacting podcast from Dr. Charles Stanley in his "Blessings in Brokeness" series June 2008.  That message stripped me naked, and allowed spiritual healing to fully begin. In a sense, they were my Walls of Jericho, and they sustained a mortar hit of cataclysmic proportions. 

The next phrase to hit me as strongly, in its Simple In Its Beauty- kind of way is "What am I holding onto that is no longer serving me?" 

Funny, how years apart and sources EXTREMELY varied, the same inner message is revisited and made new in its timelessness.

Letting Go...

This is an area, among many that I struggle with. A few segments would be the storage shed I keep of homemade Christmas ornaments, hand prints, and Play Doh hearts on strings.  Most everything points  to "back when I had a family".  Of course, I still have the same family members, even new faces.

After sitting all day at a shipper and being lazy, resting, I got up and felt led to some deeper meditations.  They were not new. But I was asked to treat them like it was the very first time.  Much as a Christian, we look back and remember our fervor, joy, and zeal in the "First Love" when we give our lives to God.

What I found there is challenging me.  At the moment, it has me raw, and a cross between a laugh and a cry.  It is not that there is work to do.  As long as I  breathe, I will have more that can be accomplished.  It is wrestling inside with feelings of frustration and of failure.  I SHOULD BE able to get closure and I SHOULD BE able to forgive and grow onward.

Yet, I am holding on. To negative thoughts. To old ways. To my past. To anchors that have become weights, no longer grounding me, but holding me down.

So, I write with a vex in my spirit, and no answer.

I know what I need to do.  I stand poised to act. And I back away,, and sit there, remaining in my confusion.

THe decision is mine. The choice is mine. The action to take is mine.

WHAT AM I HOLDING ON TO????

No answer,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Oceans of Inspiration

After an OVER THE TOP blessed Christmas, I am back in SoFL on Dania Beach at the pier.  It's a chilly 52 degrees and windy.  Not another soul to be seen.  I had to layer up to enjoy it,, but Vitamin D is still abundant!  Chapstick and lotion are my friend :)

Today is a WRITING DAY... I have been buzzing,,, THROBBING with inspiration for the last couple of days and today, I came here to pour my heart and soul out into words. Perhaps, I will be able to share some of it, although some if it will be between me and Almighty God.

I will share right now, even before I "process" and tabulate all my recent revelations, self-discoveries and  gratitude laden blessings, that I have begun healing.  Some of you know my serious medical needs.  And yes, I mean that healing has begun. 

I'm sure those same people are also aware of the critical needs of my soul and emotions and spiritual man.  Be encouraged!!  I have had portals opened and great floods of Change and Direction POURED into me , like this ocean roaring to my right!

So stay tuned in.  My prayers are for clarity, humility, and grace for myself. For you, I pray peace, health, prosperity, wisdom, and contented joy.

All my love ,,, yes,, the L-word,,, I have so much lathered into me,, it is coming out :)

Ahhhh,, humor, joy and the Dance!

Inspired and writing,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

To Coin A Phrase

Found this today in my old MySpace blog......  wow!!! THREE YEARS AGO!

I am remaining true to myself,,,, wow!!
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Dec 11, 2007


To Coin A Phrase

Current mood:blessed

The epic ....

What's in a word?

Cute phrases we pick up? One word missiles? Or one word of a healing nature? Nurture?

A lot of what I type next has a melancholy feel. Yet, that is not my current state of mind. Some of it is sent by way of an explanation, but then again a life well-lived warrants none. I jotted down bullets of ideas as I drove down the interstate in the New England states on Thanksgiving Day. Today, I do not feel the same echo of silence around me. But I wrote at a time when I felt isolated and a touch sorry for myself. There are some nuggets of truth though, and that is what I decided to share today.



"To Coin a Phrase"

11/22/07, Thanksgiving Day

            I have decided that Brer Rabbit was a wily one.  I am new to driving big rigs this year and feel very intimidated by the inherent dangers of driving on snow and ice.  Angel pointed out to me that this is not a foreign feeling for me this year.  I had to work hard throughout the process of getting my CDL to maintain my cool and my Can Do-attitude.  I was still sore from my bike wreck when it came to climbing in and out of the cab of the trucks.  Also learning to double shift and maneuver 10 gears every time a truck moved was taxing on injured bones and muscles.  I had bad habits to unlearn and new movements to memorize. A time or two I wondered aloud if I was making a mistake.  But, my grit prevailed and I determined to work it out. 

            The rewards were instantaneous.  I am driving for a company that is serious about training and the safety of its drivers through decent equipment and education.  Right away, just by flying Delta out of Orlando I saw new places, people, and things.  And OH! The adventures to date!  Of course, I can not photograph everything.  But I see wonders of nature and landscape that blow me away.

            To be honest, I am a bit homesick. Lonely perhaps. Nostalgic here on Thanksgiving. It's  not like I have many traditions left after my divorce and now empty nest.  I would be just as "alone" in my house and it would be as silent and void.  Each way has options such as more work to fill the hours.  Reaching out to those in need.  Making friends with the stillness and seeking the peace of the quiet.

            I did not cook huge meals even when at home. We all have strengths and that is not one of mine J. But I did not celebrate Thanksgiving as a big several day dinner event since 2000 and my divorce.  I think maybe we did a big dinner a time or two with Lewis. When the girls were home, they were growing up. They had to split time between their dad and I. Eventually, they had boyfriends and thus other families to share time with. A lot like it was as a newly married couple with young children.  Ole and I often spent holidays on the road traveling to visit our parents etc.  So dinner at my place is not what I miss.  In the last years, post-Lewis, the girls and I adapted.  We made the most of each moment that presents itself. We'd get dressed up and for a few hours go to a nice resteraunt etc.

            I usually worked extra shifts so folks with young kids and families could be together.  As I noted, my girls haven't been home for this holiday for years. This would have happened eventually anyway, but I admit it surprised me a year or two early. Then again, by definition of empty nest, I never would have been "ready".  This is merely factual.  As I drive this big rig today, I see motorists stranded on the side of the road and feel empathy for them.  That represents a loss of some kind.  They may be down to their last dime, and car repairs finish the devastation.  Not to mention, that connection and bond they were intending to fulfill with their loved one today.  I have a lot of blessings I know.  Think of the soldiers and other people of service.  There are the newly separated, divorced, widowed. And those sick or injured and their support network.  Many people unable to afford to celebrate and who may be struggling just to live day to day. For all that, I know my good report. That is why I wish to make it clear, I am not wallowing in self-pity. Merely reflecting.

           

            Here I find myself on Thanksgiving 2007 crossing the Hudson River and  the Tappan Zee bridge while a huge boat passes under me. Who'd a thunk this when I was a burned out night auditor scraping to get by? Florida has two seasons. Hot and Warm.  The north has two also. Winter and Construction.  This contributes to my mood today. I miss the South. The genteel and mellow ways that are absent in the hustle up north.  New England especially is a haughty breed and they cram the volume of Los Angeles into confining spaces, narrow roads and unfriendly exteriors.  The scenery though is amazing and is a redeeming factor.

            I have referred to myself as Florida Cracker.  Be sure, this is NOT a racial thing!!!   This is a frame of mind.  Carl Allen in Auburndale, Florida personified the Down Home of the South in his Cracker House resteraunt.  Here he reigns as king of bluegrasss.  And the memorabilia collected in that log cabin reflect a timelessness of simplicity.  Your food is served on sewing tables with real pedals still in evidence.  Your tea is served out of a mason jar and be confident, it is sweet and it is brewed, not instant out of a can. There the delicious catfish is served as it was meant to be with a side of grits brought to the table in a pan. The front porch going around the building has real wooden rockers not the cheap imitations sold at Cracker Barrel.  So if I align myself with the simple pleasures and laid back times you glimpse how I view my world.  It is a lot like the Biker Wave.  That phenomenon that when a biker, be it sports bike or cruiser, passes another, they salute with a lifted  hand  in greeting and acknowledgement.  A sense of brotherhood and camaraderie. This is absent up north and even when visitors travel to Florida for bikefests, the wave gets lost.   This contributes to the feeling of being a fish out of water.

            Remember the warmth and fun of Uncle Remus's tales on The Wonderful World of Disney? The foibles of the woodland creatures?  Like Brer Rabbit, I am learning to work the dispatch system of my company. "Please don't throw me in that briar patch. You can roast me, hang me, but please, whatever you do, don't throw me in that briar patch," he'd exclaim! And out of spite that's where he'd be flung. He'd shake off his bonds and LAFF! So here I am, in Texas having me a laffing spell. I crossed that beautiful corridor in Oregon of I-84 in the Columbia River Gorge 8 times in 4 days last month.  On the 8th  pass, I topped Cabbage Mountain eastbound to a winter wonderland. But to me, it was anything but wonderous, LOL! That extreme pure white snow and ice just freaked me out! It was visually sensational" but taxed my driving skills.  I begged to be brought to the south. Stevens did.  They sent me to Missouri.  As I breathed a sigh of relief? The next load sent me to where I am today steaming northward to a delivery in Assonet, Massachutesetts. From MA?  To Trenton, Ontario, CANADA via NEW YORK!

            Several people know from following me on my personal journey and self-explorations, I have had to work to conquer my spirit of fear.  I had to draw upon Gods Word.  Fear is not from God.  Neither is that feeling of isolation and frustration.  On my second trip into Canada I stopped in Michigan and bought myself a KJV Bible and new journal.  It was a change of mindset.  A conscious decision to stop complaining.  Quit giving into paralyzing fears of sliding and loss of control.  Angel chastised me.  She reminded me of my trepidations as I earned my CDL and also of how I was afraid to descend mountains loaded to 80,000 pounds, until one day I got under my semi with a guy trainer, and he showed me the brakes, and explained the mechanics of the transmission working to hold the engine in check from running away.  Then my trainer and I went down the mountain and at the bottom, I asked, "Was that ALL?!?" Now I approach with respect and security bred of knowledge and skill.  And Angel challenged me to do the same with snow and Ice.  I do have to say, having slid and wrecked on my bike?  I am not eager to repeat that loss of control.   I can recall several similar examples of this learning curve.  I panicked my first time SCUBA diving off the back of a perfectly good boat into heaving salt water.  But drew from Lewis' confidence in me and I linked arms with Mike, the dive guide, and I descended, locked eye to eye with Mike 60 feet to the ocean floor.  That day I sifted sand from the bottom of the ocean through my gloved hand in victory. Fear did not win a round then and has lost again.

            You guessed it. After a second stint in frozen Canada, I did not beg to be sent south. "Please don't throw me in that briar patch." And here I am today, sweating in the humidity in the south. Happily J

            Another issue I ponder?  Oh, and there are many.  I have nothing but time on my hands to dream and speculate in the confines and freedoms 24/7 of my truck cab.  Often in the wee hours of the night, while I satisfy  my wanderlust and curiousity of the world around me, part of me craves a home and a loved one. I am definitely enjoying new adventure and travel,  but part of me yearns for a home. For roots. For someone to share my life with.

            I still hunger for a friend. A companion. Specifically for a mate or lover to cuddle and touch. Someone dear to me to share the experience and journey with me.  A home to share. I am an affectionate person and I miss the security of lying with my head on my lovers shoulder.

            It seems I am standing at a crossroads in my life.  I am a wanderer who is realizing I am growing older.  As I near 40, I face a great life lived so far and questions as to my life ahead. I see it. Yet it looks like the sudden dense fog that blankets at dusk. I have trouble seeing through the mists surrounding me to the clear and right path ahead.  As for a companion? I still assert, he will have to be a special man.  One who is not intimidated by my strengths and diversity. He will have to be sound and confident in who he is so he is not threatened by our differences and similarities. I think a  fellow driver,,, yet the cab of a truck is a confined space. WHEW! You'd have to really and I do mean REALLY love and respect someone to share that tiny space. A plus if he shares my love of all things outdoors and water?  And I hope to one day ride a motorcycle again.  The guy doesn't have to fit into that mold. But by token, we need to both be secure enough to allow each other to be the man and woman we are.  And where we intersect?  That is a shared bliss. I do not think I will be content to drive OTR much longer.  I want roots.  A home. A love of my life.

            I can say with definite certainty that I unequivocally love Angel and Alisha as they are today. This goes deeper than just a mothers love.  It is an acknowledgement of the young women of integrity and high standards that they are and the women of purpose they are becoming. In this, I led by example, and I accept that I did a fine job as a parent.  I do still see them in my minds eye all ponytails and bounce, but I recognize and relate to them now as grown adults finding their way in this world of possibilities.  I cherish the friendship and bond we share.  And accept, that we each live our lives now, separate, yet crisscrossing.  I may have given them a nest to fly and launch from, but they gave me desire to fly and air to fill my wings.

            To sum it all up?  I have grown wise to enjoy the journey and self-discovery.  I have good days and bad, as we are all permitted to do.  But it is the decision to prosper from the knowledge gained that counts.  I am returning to my earlier ways of not sweating the petty stuff.  Through trial and error I gain skill and confidence with each new task.  I hunger for the touch and bond of a companion. I marvel at my nations people and vistas.  I seek roots and place to call home. I am less sentimental over "THINGS" such as keeping a house just because it is filled with reminders of my past life with my girls. And I need a spell of dancing like I do, when no one is watching me….

            Thank you for reading my missive. I am well.  I am blessed. I am an Over The Road truck driver.  Happy holidays and may you enjoy this time with your loved ones and prosper in the new year.

~JAN~

Out of Plumb Line

After this past weekend and it's upheaval with my dear Angel, I am feeling keenly just how out of plumb my  intrinsic thoughts, emotions, wishes, hopes, dreams, relationships, and spiritual walk is lately.

 Looking outward? Well, I  need to confess, I did my share of that too. What ancient truths have came to my fore, though, is that it is what's inside of ME that is attracting to me and radiating out of me. It's an inward condition, my own personal responsibilty.

Getting fed up with being in a position to have to admit, "I don't like who I am seeing reflected back to me from the mirrors into my Inner Being."

I was reminded of the scientific principle to a plumb line today at my Miami shipper. After reluctantly getting back in the driver's seat to return to work, I did an unusual thing. I agreed to convoy down there with one of my elders. I had an ESP that I needed his company and escort. Sure enough, it was downtown Miami in a rough neighborhood with an industrial section crammed into its tight spaces. Reminds me of Aspen Distribution on Vail Ave, Montebello, CA (eastern Los Angeles). Not a truck friendly area, predominantly poor Spanish people, that leaves me nervous if I have to stay roadside overnight. I don't speak Spanish. I can ask for Los Banos, but then don't understand the reply :)

At this shipper, the two docks go INTO the building about 15 feet. Gives a vertigo to back in and lose sight of my trailer doors until I feel a solid KER-THUMP as concrete meets metal in a teeth jarring experience. I am a GREAT truck driver. I backed in off that residential street, dodging mutts, cats, and threading the debris of cars of yesteryear, straight shot - right to the dock!!  Yet, THREE TIMES a shrill whistle and waving, gesturing arms, accompanied by unintelligible Spanish hollering,,,, I was directed to pull up, realign, back in again.

 No matter how straight my tractor, trailer was to itself, my elder trucking neighbor, the street or the side of the building??? There was a 8 inch gap on the right side of my trailer to the dock. I tried over and again to psyche my mind out, to park "out of angle". No luck. The building is off plumb line.

At last!!!  A visualization of how I am feeling in my interaction with myself, with others, with my world I live in, and with my ineffable Spiritual connections.

Hmmmm..... get that last one in synch and the rest may line up? That just came clear as I type this.

I have been embroiled in a spiritual Erocylodon. Feeling like the nose of my Life's vessel has run aground, where things are simply done by rote memory, because that's the way they have always been done, all while the hinder part of my being is out in the Currents of Change. My self-walls, fortress, and foundations are being torn asunder with opposing spiritual and emotional integral forces.

Somewhere between a feisty pussy cat and a royally provoked lion, I am "becoming" someone new.

Change is good. No stranger to recreating my own Reality? I have been here too many times. I want to just "be good".... be worthy,, be of service, be loving, compassionate, and still yearn to be loved.

So, if I have wreaked any havoc or caused harm, while my personal "building" is being aligned into the "NEW PLUMB LINE"?

Please forgive me. How may I make amends?

In a search, I found info on Kinesiology. It explains that the Definition of Erect Posture is one where an individual is standing at attention or told to stand up straight. This posture needs conscious control. It holds a plumb line from ear lobe, tip of the sholuder, center of the hip and knee, and anterior to the ankle joint.

When all is said and done? My prayer for my personal character and integrity, is that I stand consciously in control of myself,  erect, with an authentic, honest plumb line.

Please, anyone who finds this, by invitation or divine design, I implore you - HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE TO THIS HIGHER GOAL AND NECESSARY CHARACTER GROWTH.

So grateful. So humbled. So broken. So pliable in the Master's Hands.

Jan M. Olsen
~J~

The Life Of a Fairy Tale

To see the rest, will need to scroll down, Even my petty annoyances are looming larger than life. I cant figure it out :-/

Blessed. Grateful. Bequeathed a gift.

Those are the answers to "What is the blessing?"

I'm still bound up inside. Too much so to spit it out on type or paper.  Unfortunately, I doubt myself, that I can make it rated PG 13... Right now everything from this weekend is still very BIG to me.  Out of proportion.  Inappropriate.

No longer angry, I am just hurt.  A smidgen mad at myself that I can't STAY mad long enough ,,, lol.  That may be an odd thing to say?  But, Right, Wrong, and Grey it took THREE to tango this weekend.  I'm no angel, and I was rude and out of line... but I was also run over and taken advantage of.  Mack truck-style.

I am wrong. I was wrong. I acted wrong. Just lost tonight. Of all the good that can be said of me? I am no hero, no warrior, no wonderful person in this weekend  Just clay, very marred clay.

So, this little jot will have to do temporarily.  I was going to the beach to get as close to the water as I could to meditate and pray,,, or scream and cry, ,,, or dance and spend myself, maybe all of that.


But frankly?  Being angry takes sooo much out of me.. It hurts my heart (and stomach) soooo much,,, that I am spent already. So I just drove back to my truck. Sitting in my car, parked by my truck.  I SO(!) do not want to get in that dark cave/jail cell....  For awhile at least,, I am sitting here in the cool of the evening,, trying not to give in to the tears of hurt, loss, shame, fears, and regret.
 
Angel called about the time I got to Ft. Meyers... she was too bright and casual, too bubbly and like tinkling brass.  She reminded me of the little cartoon  of the two dogs, one jumping in circles around the big dog" what are we gonna do today Spike? huh Spike? Huh Spike? huh? huh?"
 
That is one of the BLESSINGS is that both Angel and I are very forgiving souls. As for Aaron?  FLASH OF ANGER - I don't give a John Brown's Horse... hmmmm
 
But ,,, too near tears to stay on the fake side with Angel,, I just let her ramble in her nervous way.... and when travelling cell phone signal crackled, I was grateful to close the call.
 
I had looked so forward to seeing her.  I always carry months of "DID YOU SEE THATs??!?!" in my duffle bag,, collect music, scraps of paper, photos...  I am such a damned puppy dog, so eager to see Angel... or Alisha... or even my parents...
 
Either I am too intense? Or they just don't give a damn?  It is certainly one sided.
 
THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME TO BE SO WITH ANGEL THOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  She was my "STEADY" one,,,  Alisha is like me, passionate and on fire for life.  Angel was always the Rock of Gibralter.
 
I know, parents can't say they have favorite children.  And I do not say that now.  I do have distinctly different relationships with each of them as individual people.
 
Here's what I mean.
 
  Angel and I are very close spiritually. Traditionally. The slow, thoughtful, loving, careful side of our affections.  Very symbolic and holds on to "things" such as photos, gifts, knick knacks. Both Complacents.  Very much intellectual nerds and introverts. Very deep thinkers. Intercessors. Forgiving. Givers.  We give and receive love very similarly through touch and affection. Through word. We are both door mats and often overlooked and fairly content to be the soldier in the infantry, holding up the leadership round us. Servants. Musically gifted and our MAIN method of self-expression. Writers. Readers. Desire roots and foundations. The calm ember that just keeps the eternal flame.
 
Alisha and I both question EVERYTHING! We are very on fire and if the wood is wet, we can ignite it soon enough by nurturing the slightest flame.  EXTREMELY passionate, we FLASH from one end of the spectrum to the next. Shaking and baking!!  BIG DREAMERS!  Intellectual chess partners. We use music and dance to BLAST our way in an out of our emotions and desires. Athletic, driven to succeed.  Our affection is being close enough to touch, but content to have a visual line on our partner.  Spontaneous, methodical, practical and inventive, McGyver. Creative and always looking for the next excitement. Also readers and writers. Very outspoken in our physical releases, both what we say and don't say. Very likely to pop out with what's on our mind and sort it out later. Alisha is the Fun and the Light in my world ( when she was home as my girl). Lifeforce, glow, bounce, sparkle, excitement.
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One thing that torqued me even as I went down there was all the running they needed me to do for them, but Angel & Aaron are BOTH PROCRASTINATORS... it's good they married each other!   They collectively don't give a damn about who they inconvenience or hold up ,,,For instance, They would tell me "we need to leave by 9:30am to get to church by 10am",,,, I am at the door, keys in hand by 09:25am,,, Angel FINALLY puts her shoes on at 09:45m!!!  When I wanted to stop and get a bottle of water to take meds with??? They huff and puff we are running late.  Well WHO THE HECK RAN LATE DO YOU SUPPOSE?????

 That's just ONE example of an entire weekend of rubbing the wrong way!

Angel and I had specific matching rings.... she has taken hers off. She didnt have the balls to tell me ahead of time.  I found out last night, after the Induction Ceremony as we took photos outside, I reached around her, AS I ALWAYS DO, to take her hand and lace fingers, AS I ALWAYS DO, and the ring was missing.  She curled her fingers away,, letting me know it was for real.
 
I asked, calmly at first, did she take it off and just forget to put it back on?
 
Took her until today to get around to telling me the truth.  And the truth was not anything I wanted to hear.
 
And , abruptly, I know, the ring thing means more to me than OBVIOUSLY it does to anyone else,, soooo forget it,, moving on... I will have to work that out in my own head and heart.
 
AND GIVE UP AGAIN.
 
so anyway, goodnight,, this day has got to end soon. back to work, driving, when i drove all weekend.. so here we go,, off to the races,, when i never stopped running.
 
footnote: I did not tell, admit, confess whatever to Angel what I have been dealing with in my illness. I wanted to .  But just didn't get the vibe that it was the right time,, or that she is much intersted in anyone besides herself. (just a phase,, gotta believe it is just a phase,, )
 
hoping she is just going through something and is pulling in her wings to garner her reserve survival resources???
 
i can understand THAT...
 
Love her through it,, see her on the other end.
 
If i dont screw it all up by being a total jerk first...
 
But, I didnt even take my usual 15-20 pills regimen while there,, I really tried to keep how sick I am, how in pain my body is,, on the down low.
 
No worries there... she didnt know I was around.
JMO
CREED LYRICS

"A Thousand Faces"
I stand surrounded by the walls that once confined me
Knowing I'll be underneath them
When they crumble when they fall
With clarity my scars remind me
Ash still simmers just under my skin


Indifference smiles again
So much I hide
How is stepping back a move forward?
Now I'm forced to look behind
I'm forced to look at you


You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell which is you
Broken mirrors paint the floor
Why can't you see the truth
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell me which is you
Tell me which is you


Eerily time made no change
Pointing fingers, laying blame
Lying over and over and over and over
Deceiving your mind
Dug my grave...Trash my name


Yet here I stand so you won't fade away
Indifference smiles again
So much I hide
How is stepping back a move forward
Now I'm forced to look behind
I'm forced to look at you






You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell which is you
Broken mirrors paint the floor
Why can't you see the truth
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell me which is you
Tell me which is you






I bleed inside


Just let it out
I bleed inside
I'm gonna let it out
Let it die
Now I'm forced to look behind
I'm forced to look at you


You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell which is you
Broken mirrors paint the floor
Why can't you tell the truth


You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell me which is you
Tell me which is you
Tell me
Tell me
Tell me


You wear a thousand faces
Tell me which is you
Tell me which is you

Yoga Class #2 This Past Sunday "Hot Yoga Groove"

HOT YOGA


HOT YOGA classes at Yoga Connection are an eclectic blend of Yoga styles combining the vast knowledge, experience and personalities of our amazing staff of Yoga Connection expert instructors. All Hot Yoga classes will be taught in our state of the art heated Yoga studio, and with great detail breaking down the mechanics of all postures.

Attended the Sunday PM “Hot Yoga Groove” class.
This letter is much shorter. I purchased the 10 week package for $160. It makes each class $16 plus a free one. So 11 total. I paid $18 for the morning class.

The Hot Yoga Groove was faster paced. Although, Savanah took time with me and a few other new people to physically touch us to adjust and align us??? She moved very rapidly from one thing to the next.

I was right to think I should get used to the positions, the breathing, the methods, the physical parts of it all before I add the heated sauna part. It felt great and did provide a deeper release, but it was a bit much as out of shape as I am.

As before, I was the only fat person. Everyone else, male/female, new/experienced. young/old, differing ethnicities, they were all slender and in shape. Sigh...

I know I didn't get this way in a day, or wasn't born this way. It will take time and a process to undo the damage I have exacted on my body through neglect, misuse, injury, and abuse.

Savanah is young (mid 20”s). The music was kind of Enigma or Enya style, still not what I hoped for “work out music”. All it did was set the pace higher, faster for the Yoga poses themselves. Very advanced stretches.

I struggled with the heat factor, and thought a few times I would actually throw up, ugh.

I TRIUMPHED BY NOT GETTING SICK AND BY NOT LEAVING THE ROOM THOUGH!! Even Savanah remarked she was surprised I stayed the entire 90 minutes, struggling even as I did. I did the work as best I could, allowing for newness, previous class and the foreign soreness in newly challenged muscles (LOL), the heat, etc.

A COURSE IN MIRACLES!!! Savanah read from their workbook 5-10 times, including during the meditative section of time at the end of class!! She often read it to us as we held or moved through stretches (I know there's a word for the that “FLOW” but don't know what it is???)

She also did that whole shaking her hands thing to flick off bad energy that Rilla did when she massaged me. IT is cracking me up how a month ago I didnt hear of ANY OF THIS and also only just told you about Rilla's holistic movements... and to be just inundated with it now is a lot of confirmation and establishing in my SPIRITUAL walk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hope I am doing okay and not in any harm??? Whew,,, a lot of TRUST going on here! Just because I am questioning??? I am not rejecting, obviously,,, since I am still going forward into new realms of Possibility.

That's all for Class #2. I may not go back right away. Let me get a firm basic foundation first.

Also, only baby steps in ACIM for me. It is tormenting me spiritually.

It was too late to shower and go to church at POCC. I was pretty OVERLOADED and OVERWHELMED by now anyway. Not sure I could allow more into me??

So I drove to the ocean, parked at the hotel where I stayed for Thanksgiving,, and went onto the deserted beach. It was raining, but I figured, I was already wringing wet anyway, and the sand is always invasive. I planned to shower at the beach before going back to my truck.

For an hour and half,, I sat just 10 feet from the water,,, heavy clouds, sporadic rain, no moon, lots of stars and watched the cruise ships go out. I cried ALOT!!!!!

I prayed some,, I sat there, stretched, then in a hugging pose, and rocked back and forth for an interminable amount of time,,, tears streaming,, until, the SPIRIT took over and I began to pray in tongues. I lost all sense of time then.

If anyone passed me, it would seem like I was chanting. After all else I have been doing? That isn't so odd to me anymore to think of it that way.

God released me,, and I sat, spent cold and wet on the sands until I just wearily got up. Too tired to shower, I just sat on a towel and went back to my truck, changed clothes and went to bed.

Here I am today.... processing :-)

Was going to take the special workshop this coming Sunday with the Power Flow and LIVE SACRED MUSIC,, but they have called to cancel. That's okay,, I'm overwhelmed now anyway.(see below,, it will still be on my list of things to do once they offer it again. By then, I will have conquered my issues).

Jan M. Olsen
~J~
LIVE SACRED MUSIC POWER FLOW *(very interested)

Exclusive to Yoga Connection in the West Broward area, this popular program features our very own Barbara Sloan and Worldbeat Musician Richard Brookens in a Power Flow class to live sacred music. Richard performs with Bamboo Flutes (from India and China), Native American Indian Flutes, Tablas (drums from India), Udus (clay pots from Africa), and a alineseGong, along with ambient tracks from his original CD's - all combined with a challenging Asana flow utilizing breath, body, voice, sound, mantra, mind and spirit for a total Yoga experience of pure meditation in motion. Instruction and adjustment will be provided so all levels are welcome. This unique program will be offered at Yoga Connection on a monthly/bimonthly basis, so make sure to check our Events Page for dates and times, and join in the newest and most exciting yoga experience in South Florida!

Yoga Class #1 "SIVANANDA YOGA " This Past Sunday

SIVANANDA YOGA

SIVANANDA YOGA offers a meditative approach through a series of Asanas, Pranyama (breathing), Meditation and Deep Relaxation, working systematically on the body, stretching and relaxing muscles, joints and ligaments, creating a more flexible spine and improving circulation. Sivananda Yoga is one of the most classic forms of Yoga created in 1935 in India by its founder doctor Sri Swami Sivananda who encouraged all students to embrace a healthy lifestyle by combining the following five basic principles of the ancient wisdom of Yoga: proper diet, positive thinking and meditation, relaxation, breathing and Asanas.

I chose this class by reading the offerings in the time slots. I went to the studio, explained I was first time and asked recommendations. It makes sense to build up with basics and to do so in the regular studio. Get used to Yoga in general then add the HEAT factor as an advanced maneuver.

I had taken classes in 2006, at the Wellness Center in Leesburg. At that time in my life though, I was also involved with my fitness trainer, and the core group of us that worked out 4-6 hours a day with weights, cardio, dancing, swimming, both as group and individuals played too hard to slow down for this type of exercise, lol. Even our weight lifting was done to vibrant Classic Rock!! Good times!!!

Therefore, I went at Yoga from a fresh frame of mind. My health is VERY different now. My lifestyle is very sedentary, unguided and unhealthy. My mental, emotional, spiritual state is currently very open and very much seeking.

The description sounds like a good introduction. With the right guidance, I can be exposed to many new things and take them in at my own pace.

A big note here: * I did NOT disclose my illness to the Yoga Connection at all! In Class #2 she asked if I had any injuries she needed to be aware of? The answer is “no”. All of my injuries are old, and incorporated into who I am now. My illness does not transfer and I did not want to take it easy because of it. I am hoping to open my mind, body, spirit up and let the disease GO FORTH and leave me entirely, so I am NOT WILLING to give it voice or credence now.

CLASS: The instructor, Angela, is 84 years old. She has been Yoga instructor 45 years! She is almost completely deaf (2 hearing aids), but her speaking voice is extra soft and measured, with a hint of a Spanish lilt to it. I loved her and bonded spiritually with her instantly!!

It is important to note that I spent ALL of my life, my ENTIRE life *HIDING the “sounds” of my breath. Purely in self-defense, from a toddler on, I learned to hide my breathing. Pretend to be asleep. Pretend to be okay with my surroundings. Throughout my life, if I made noise, even as simple as inhale, exhale? I was discovered. That would cause me to be beaten. Raped. Sexually assaulted. Or forced against my will to do any number of things. From a child to just last year 2009, this was a reality in my life. Play possum.

Let me say that the downloaded materials I have on Guided Meditation and things I have read in a variety of books regarding “breath” have been very difficult for me to process. When told to “pay attention to the sounds of your breath” I noticed I was still clenching to subdue the “SOUND”. I honestly hope Yoga, meditation, prayers, etc will give me release and peace from this and heal my fears now that I no longer have to fear for my safety??

So in class,, things like “FIRE Breathing”, even forced exhale caused great physiological pain and response to me. I worked very hard to not give into hysteria that bubbled to my fore.

This hindered some of my ability to RELAX and to fully EXPERIENCE the Yoga and meditation.

HOWEVER, I did NOT run out of the room, or submit to any of my fearful reactions. Just by staying and facing my fears I TRIUMPHED.

We stretched and posed about 15 minutes or so. The lights dim, the music was a steady OHM, maybe 12 WOMEN (important note there) in the room. Angela had asked me to be in front near her to watch each other. She suggested I keep my eyes open. Here we are, 15 minutes in and without breaking stride, Angela says, “We haven't begun the Yoga yet”. OMW! All of us got a muted chuckle out of that one!! Everything was spoken and done reverently. I was sensitive to and appreciate the spiritual release and openness in the studio and participants.

Angela is a “toucher”. Which is cool by me. I am very affectionate- both appreciate giving and receiving touch. It was a bit of an adjustment of my safety response and attitude, though, to be allowing of a stranger to touch me when I was stretched into some very vulnerable and open positions. It felt a lot like when you streeeeetch your arms to yawn and someone gooses you in the ribs??? You get a startle reflex. Just saying. But again, I didn't let it show, at least not that I know of :) She corrected my position, posture, pushed my stretch as she's supposed to do.

I was the only fat person in the entire studio all day. The women in class #1 were all very skinny, and very experienced/flexible. Several of them seemed unhealthy skinny,, like their skin hung in wrinkles and flapped. They were friendly but shallow. Yuppy.

Made me feel like crying. But I didn't. I didn't understand that at all? Even though I read it.

One time in her touching me to align my posture or pose, she remarked under her breath “oh, she is so HOT”. So, even without me telling her I am sick, she noticed the fever. She also told me at least twice to plan on a hot bath, “or you won't be able to move tomorrow”. LOL.

The classes are 90 minutes. No clock. I was imitating others in the room. At some point, everyone familiar with the routine Angela has, lay on their backs, and some put their hand towels over their eyes. Angela dimmed the lights even further. I did not think it possible, but her voice modulated even more soft, and mystic. SO!!! This was a HIGHLIGHT I had HOPED and been waiting for!!! She WAS going to do a meditation as part of the class!! YES!!!

I was all for this!!! And it went GREAT! It was a combination of all I had read, heard on audio, and tried in my own stumbling, seeking way. To do it with a room full of people, believers?? All tuning in?? was like a dream coming true!! I was EXCITED!!

*BUT!,,, I noted earlier there were only females in the class??? This became very HUGE issue right now! If you have never been hurt by another?? You may not be able to relate to what I type next. AS much as I WANTED to relax and participate in the MEDITATION????

It was very SCARY!!! All of a sudden,, the sounds of breathing, every rustle was exaggerated. Do you have even an INKLING of the EXTREME TRUST to allow myself to not only close my eyes, but to COVER my face???? To lay flat out,, hands to my side,, all the things I YEARN to do in my truck (it's one thing I LOVE about the altars at POCC... laying prostrate).

To trust 13 strangers in a dark, quiet spiritually- charged room????

My body's response was hysteria and nausea. It is SUPREME SELF-WILL to continue to lie there. I could hear Angela padding about in the room,,, follow her voice as she “guided” the meditation. But, I am revealing to you right now: I also “felt” pressure on my biceps, my vulnerable arms, pinning me to the ground as if by a man. At one point, I FELT Joe's knee in my sternum as the pressure pushed and pushed until my bone broke.

How terrifying!!!

BUT!!!!!!!! I did not get up,, I didn't even move the towel and open my eyes or look around. I FORCED myself to lay there. To feel all of these things. To experience and BE THERE with them.

AND LET THEM GO!

I focused on my breathing, and on Angela. She actually stopped walking or speaking for awhile,, and that was a new level of scary as my Mind Monster is screaming “WHERE IS SHE? IS IT SAFE?”

Very frustrated at myself that something I looked forward to for weeks, finally arrives as an unexpected gift, and I disappointed MYSELF with my fears, tension, and responses.

The only positive here is that I didn't quit or leave or give in to the madness. I take VICTORY and solace from that.

In the Yoga she did “Fire Breathing” and also right before the meditation part she led us through inhale one nostril, exhale through the other, then switch by using our finger to close one side,, and then also to alternate nostrils with out holding one side closed. Angela offered to teach me one on one outside the studio after class. So we did. She spent an extra 15 min or so with me. Very nice of her to do. As I said, there is a bond and natural spiritual connection between us.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Okay, this concludes class #1. They have showers there. I cleaned up, got dressed up, and drove to POCC after all. I got into service just as they were calling people to come to the front that want prayer. So I missed Sunday school and all the praise singing of AM service.


Usually, it is customary, if someone wants to be anointed with oil and prayed over by the laying on of hands by the ministry? When he reads the Prayer Request list, he invites anyone who desires to come to the front.

I was in the 2nd pew from the front, NOT in line. I saw the Israeli minister when she picked up the oil vial, and moved off the platform. I somehow knew she was heading to me. Although, that is out of context.

Sure enough, she comes out of line to me directly. I go ahead and surrender, raising my hands. As conflicted right now as I am spiritually??

If God is choosing to speak to me through this Prophetess or by anointing? I am receiving.

After anointing my forehead with oil, she began to speak to my emotions, “Even as she bites it back now, Lord” (I was biting the inside of my cheek to not break down and cry).

“LORD this sadness in her Spirit I command it to be released and ask you to speak to her to guide her...”

I'm not sure what all else she said.. I got hung up there... although,, was unable to “break through”.

Kinda of odd, I guess if someone is unfamiliar with the Pentecostal or Apostolic way of ministering?? I submitted to her Authority as to KINGDOM AUTHORITY,, because I recognize it. It is much the same as when God moves on me to lay hands on another person and gives me Word Of Knowledge, Word of Healing, Word of Discernment etc.....

I am not sure if anything moved in heaven and earth on my behalf?? But given where I am??

I accept God's SOVEREIGN rule in my life and submit to HIM fully.

Okay, this ends this letter.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Perspective

It only takes something as simple as lunch and shopping with a friend to put things into perspective and fresh view. Due to my lifestyle and work schedule, my girl friend and I connect primarily with text messsages of 160 characters or less and a few emails. Neither of us like to talk on the phone.

In the year I have known her, our roles have morphed into something I feel ill-prepared to be for her. The first contact was made by me to her regarding a job opening. From that very first phone call, she has opened up to me and just pours her life and trials out in torrents.

 Before closing that initial call, I felt strongly led of the Spirit. I secured her email address which was used as a compassionate outreach and follow up. Connected her with Support tools and Educational materials to begin a Process of Personal Growth and improvements in  her health.

 The roles shifted again to where we are now.  I am directly facilitating and teaching her a curriculum out of a workshop series taken years ago that rocked my world. The distance again makes this challenging. To go to deep, raw places, and not be physically present is a gamble in my view. I can't even get to her if she goes into crisis.

She has deep seated emotional trauma wounds that she has developed safety mechanisms to get her through most of day to day life. Every now and then, she has a meltdown. Someone should be near.

While I have had some rough patches in my life, she has challenges that she continues to face with admirable strength, courage, and grace.

Yet, she sees her broken places. I see them too. I yearn for her healing. And realize the truths in common thoughts that we don't know how well we have it ourselves sometimes until we encounter those with even greater obstacles or injustices.

I see her beauty and her courageous outlook and am humbled that she looks up to me instead of in her own mirror.

Lovely time of fellowship and connection. Trusting that it will bridge the gaps our separate lives leave until we can meet again. Asking her questions, sharing my own recent discoveries, and a few hours of just being nearby, close enough to touch.

I am left to muse and will her Gifts FROM ME of the Go-forth to continue the fight for her own choices and freedoms.

Sending my dear friend my love and support,
Jan M. Olsen
~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile pho

Organizing My Blessings :)

 Sunset at Black Rocks Beach, San Diego, CA January 2009

 Today was a laidback, do little day.  Trucking is feast or famine. It was all about the WAITING and cancellation game.  Trusting God has me in his sights. For instance, I had a load going to Sunrise, FL where my car is. It cancelled at 4:30pm.  THEN I find out that I-95 sb is shut down in Orlando-area due to a wildfire!  See???  God knows where I am, and what's best for me.  Rest and time to JUST BE was a definite GIFT today.

Went back to the doctor for my weird fever and joint issues. Endured labs, tests, really dumb questions... Honestly, feel like it was a waste of time.  The injections certainly wreak havoc on my tummy.  In the words of a song by Martina McBride,  "You can pour your soul out singin' / A song you believe in / That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang / Sing it anyway."... so here tonight on my truck, singing to the angels, to God, and to cheer myself.  My neighbors will need therapy, but who am I?  LOL.

At my ONE year anniversary of becoming an OTR truck driver and of having a career, I wrote a 12 page typed account. That letter is posted here on my blog.  I did a much smaller letter at the second year anniv.

This year, July4th was the THIRD anniversary.  I didn't remember writing specifically to commemorate THAT day.  This past year, a season of LOSS and PAINFUL CONFUSION, losing the baby, the beatings, the rape, the giving up of being a TRAINER and MENTOR and Owner Operator with Stevens Transport out of Dallas, TX had played havoc with all of my health.  My mind, my body, my soul,,,, yet, somehow it didn't quench this indomitable spirit that fights within me to shine forth.

Sunset at Black Rocks Beach, San Diego, CA January 2009

Waiting on another driver, I cleaned my truck out while I sang.  We are to keep Trip Paperwork, Logs, etc for 3 weeks, then we can discard them.  I had a cabinet with all of them since my hire date May 17, 2010.  UGH!!!  Included were the spiral notebooks I write Trip Dispatches in.  I know me,, I write wherever I can find space, so before I chunked the old spirals I looked inside??

I FOUND AN 8 PAGE FRONT AND BACK HANDWRITTEN JOURNAL of my THIRD YEAR ANNIVERSARY highlights!!!  I don't remember it, but there it was!!!

And it was a list of BLESSINGS of all I had DISCOVERED to that point in July 2010!!!! 

Sometimes,, I amaze even myself.  Of all I am not comfortable with- of all I don't have closure or peace with - of all the hurt and guilt I still carry --------- I wrote EIGHT PAGES (16) FULL OF BLESSINGS AND GRATITUDE!!!!!!

 This past year, (year and half now) I had so much pain and loss,,, when I lost my baby, and my body was so broken and ill???  I wished sooo many times that I could die.  Just let me go.   Yet, BECAUSE of that vulnerability, I was extended love and grace, FIRST from GOD,  then from Pastor Hattabaugh and the Warriors at POCC, and then slowly, as I heal and process,,,, it is beginning to come FROM me TO me also.  That has only just begun in the last couple of months through amazing timing and gifts..

One thing I did toss out, that I may regret?? As an O/O I was used to keeping every scrap and receipt for income taxes for my Profit Loss Statement.... I just threw away things that I claimed last year.  I was only an O/O up to Valentine's Day this year.  I hope my lack of saving receipts doesn't bite me in the rear later???

Learning to meditate is so awesome.  I can't say I am skilled at it. I am self-taught, so I am sure I can learn, learn, learn!!!  I already pray and am very in touch with the Spirit-world,,, both of Good and of Evil.  As an Intercessor I see and hear alot.  But meditating has been good to first UN-focus me,,, then, RE-focus me.  Kinda a WOW-Concept.  I'm an odd bird, I get it :)

So mellow.  Still very ill,,, very in pain. Very wore out in  body, which has gone on so long now, my spirits get tapped too quickly.  But I am in MAJOR chill back mode.  The truck being straight and lighter??? Is really cool to me!  Soon as I can get by my car,, more of the extra clothes etc are coming off.

My blessings are lined up like Warriors around me, like friends at a bonfire on the beach.  I have my Tim Janis "Water's Edge" cd playing, I can hear the waves, smell the salt in the air, and feel the wind tossing my hair... as my memories, good and bad,, my blessings too many to categorize,,, talk softly around the glow of the driftwood fire. The  annual November Taurid and Leonid meteors are zipping across the Eastern sky.  It's a nice night, here with myself, in my truck :-)

Sunset at Black Rocks Beach, San Diego, CA January 2009

Thankful and dwelling in my Blessing Place,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

So Close, So Far Away

Bridge system spanning the Kentucky- Illinois stateline, I-24 wb

Passed through Paducah, KY around noon today. A spot in the road. A small dot on the grand scale of the atlas. But it happens to only be 1 1/2 hours away from where my girl-Love of My Life lives in Evansville, IN.

Here is a portion of our bittersweet banter today:

You had me from hello. The only thing that makes our goodbyes tolerable or worth a damn is they bring us just that much closer to our next HELLO. (Terry)

XOXO - I know...it seems like i have freedom, but i keeep a pretty strict route and schedule.....all subject to change when Life socks the Plan in the nose :-(    (me)


If it makes you feel any better? I "walked like an Egyptian" while I "walked that dinosaur" into the store to get my fuel receipt and shower. Ahhh..what to do? (me)

I'm not sure I want to be with anyone that causes so much destruction. (Terry  re: yesterday's fires)

My loving memories gave me a strange urge to slip through the trees into the meadow and do our ancient forms (kata).  We used to practice in our own loving way, matched evenly, CONNECTED out at Toldeo Bend Dam...
 
then,,, to move on, force myself to leave and roll on up Life's highway? Got a hot tea, meal and shower.

While at the truck stop, I went up to the Transflo machine. This scans our trip paperwork to our payroll department,  A strong, brazen woman was there frowning at the machine. She whipped around at my approach and GROWLED, : Here! You go ! I can't figure it out anyway!"

What could I do? "Ma'am, may I talk you through the process with your paperwork first?"

As we went through step by easy step, I said," you might as well embrace this and learn to do it for yourself, The truck stops are putting these self-service scanners in and the staff will no longer be required to Transflo for us."

She ground out, " I'm not embracing anything!! They should provide us with customer service."

I watched her stomp away and felt a bit sorry for her.Thinking, "It must be lonely inside that closed mind and narrow parameter you allow yourself to interact with this dynamic world around you."

For myself?  Chagrined to notice how I really took simple things like hot showers or meals for granted when they were readily available. Realizing how North American-spoiled I am? Grateful for BOTH now.
 
Blessed to have loves of my life in the then, the  here and the now,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

There She Goes Just A Walkin' Down The Street...

Well that was FUN! My head in the puffy clouds I guess? I missed a junction of i-285. Ended up accidentally sightseeing Atlanta airport in an 18 wheeler. There's this MOMENT ,, kinda like being on I-70 in St. Louis headed towards Illinois,, that ONE SECOND where the Arch is in perfect symmetry and it makes my throat close off with emotion to see it like the blade of a knife?? 

In Atlanta it is a tunnel and a bridge that if you are REALLY lucky?  An airplane on it's descent to ATL will cross just a few feet overhead, giving the urge to duck!!!  I LOVE that moment!  It happened today,, and I promptly missed the merge to STAY on I-285,,, instead found myself on I-85 going around the airport parking lots. Now Folks? This is not a Geo Metro to turn around ;)   I keep my cool head and instinctively, just stay rolling.  Lo and behold, it goes back out to I-285 PRESTO!

JUST AS I GOT TO SPEED?? A vehicle flagged me down, horn blaring pointing to my tires!  I look in my mirrors, and see that a rear trailer tire is throwing rubber on the passenger side. I pull over,, but it's against a guard rail. 

My company says if most of the rubber has already blown off, to limp the truck to our Atlanta Terminal 7 miles away.  I have a bad gut feeling on this one.  But agree to do so. 

The load is 79,780 pounds (allowed 80,000).  This was weighed at 3/8 tank of fuel which is 8 pounds per gallon, total capacity is 300 gallons.

The weight settled on the remaining tires, causing a SECOND tire to overheat, then blow up!!!  As I am watching in my rearview passenger mirror I am thinking "GEEZ that's a WHOLE LOT OF RUBBER for ONE TIRE!!!"  So,,  I happen to be looking when the two outer RIMS BIT THE PAVEMENT and sparks flew!!!!!

The sparks??? Well, it took me 150-200 yards to get pulled to a safe stop on the shoulder of I-285.... as I was stopping,, the sparks are still arcing.... 

SET FOUR wildfires!!!!!  Two of those flashed up the dry tinder hill, through a chain link fence and across the divide into the neighboring lands!!!  Thankfully, there was already police and fire rescue at an accident scene  about 100 yards up on the inside NB lane, they rolled BACKWARDS on the highway and tanker trucks, big firetrucks, etc all came out to the scene.  It shut down I-285 at 3:40pm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't even THINK about my fire extinguisher, lol.  I went and stomped one fire out with my tennis shoes. (not the sharpest crayon in the box).   I DID THINK TO ROLL MY DIESEL FUEL TRUCK FORWARD AWAY FROM THE OPEN FLAME!!!!!

Very concerned I would be cited and fined.  I could accept that.  It was negligence on my part, and today I failed to "protect and serve the motoring public".  Somehow, though, the minute the blazes were extinguished, all rescue personnel LEFT.  No one came to write me a ticket.  WOW!!!  A "get out of jail free card"!!!

The Company sent a maintenance driver, who arrived with two new trailer tires on two new rims.  Within 30 minutes of his arrival, I was on my way. Heartland did not require me to go onto the Yard, told me to roll with the load.

It's been a long day.  Mentally and emotionally I was in prayer and deep thought for needs I know friends, family, and fellow Journeying people have.  Physically, it has been a day of great FIRE in my joints, back, and shoulders. So,, With the delay of the FIRE on I-285??? I was then in Atlanta traffic around Cobb County,, took almost 3 hours to go 50 miles.

I am parked now,,, after only 475 miles.  I needed to do 550, but it is almost 10pm and I know the closer to Nashville that I get, there are no more rest areas,, and the truck stops are cesspools up there.  It seems wisest to stop in Monteagle, I got a parking slot at the rest area on I-24.  I can go to bed soon.

Trying to decide what I want to do to unwind??  Usually what is best for me is soft Classical or jazz,, or even light gospel music... candles..... if at home, wine......  and a period of quiet reading.  Prayer before bed.  Lately been experimenting with the meditation.  And I get in bed and drift off to sleep by counting my blessings, listening to my daughters voices where I have them saved on voicemail, and other people on voicemail telling me they love me....

I was listening to Classical piano on the radio, but they must have had a DJ shift change,, the music became more strings and their high pitched squeals and whines... I had to just turn it off and roll down the windows,, let the fresh air clear my head.

Didn't make it anywhere to get anything to eat or to get the shower I had been looking forward to all day.

However,, I'm not grumpy, I am tired.  I am SAFE!!  Atlanta is SAFE (from me)... and I am further up the road to ND today than I was yesterday!!  Talked to Angel, Dora, and Rebekah today ...

just gonna call it a night,, not do any of my relaxing rituals...

Making it work, grateful for the lessons of today,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Shrugs....

Hmmm,, I KNEW I should have stopped for the night at Cafe Risque in Micanopy!!

((because it is "early" there and still plenty of semi truck parking!!!))

Of course,, I didn't stop, because I spend money in there when I do. 

But,,, even at 10:15pm the major rest area at I-75 nb at Lake City is FULL UP on truck parking!!!  62 miles to the next one,, which will be the Georgia Welcome Center,, and they close the restrooms at 5pm!!! (HUH!??!)

I decided to flip,, go up one exit,, turn southbound and check out the rest area on that side,, flip again in the morning... already passed all the trucks stops in Florida that are in my book.

Lo and behold!!!  At the next exit where I was turning around??  A mom and pop 10 truck slot business,, and a truck pulled out as I came on the lot!!  I GOT THE LAST SLOT!!!

You came too late to say that God and guardian angels do not work to keep us provided for and safe!!!  I won't believe otherwise!

Seems D and R lead normal lives??  At 9:15pm they were already phones off, in bed.  So,, Texts and v-m.... I am reaching out though.

Spent an hour on the phone with my best friend.  AHHHH sooooo good to talk again and LAUGH!!!  We share so much history,, we can make snide comments that make sailors blush with shame,, and to us?? we refer to something our grandmother's could hear!  LOL...  I kept her company on her ride home from work,, as she saw me up I-75 a little further. Nice!

Meanwhile, multi-tasking,, helping a recent Empty Nester WHHS classmate on FB make the treacherous navigations for the Holidays.  Talking others through these roller coaster times helps me find a balance,, and purpose for why I am here as well.  Getting them to talk it through and answer their own situations for what they inherently need for themselves, and what is RIGHT for THEM,,,  gives me ideas on how to cope too.  Because HOLIDAYS flat out SUCK!  Most people, may have CHANGE and new family dynamics?? Alot of them still have people around them.  Learning to be flexible and celebrate the OTHER 363 days a year as well as TG and Dec 25th may help them find GRATITUDE and BLESSINGS right where they are today.

It breaks my tender heart to hear a plaintive "miss you,, or I need Jan -time..."  when I am not really ever physically "there" for anyone.. it's all done by stupid internet and phone calls...  I sure hope i do not exacerbate their lonely feelings?? 

Jan needs mountain ledge time,, but it looks like my work is about to get REALLY crazy!  i am up for the challenge,, just not sure how much OOMPFH I still have in me to perserve until January when the calendar mercifully resets??

I suppose I am questioning "MYSELF " lately,, when in reality??? I wouldn't be sought if I didn't contribute.  Even helped my best friend with her COLLEGE STUDENTS by being her techie guru....

lol... me?  yeah,, that's making ME laugh too, so GO AHEAD!

Those 2 Electronics degrees and that computer programming i did in ancient years gone by?  I feel like a dinosaur.

I am gonna call it an early night... only did 450 miles today,, but if I stop now?? As I travel North and WEST  I will gain hours on the clock,, so that when I get to the majestic Dakotas I will be driving in DAYLIGHT!!!

God bless America,, HE sure did put some extra loving into the creations!
g'nite,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Not Much Of A Torrent After All

Does anybody notice when a pebble skims into the river?
 Or the dead body floating downstream?

(typing at midnight, eastern time, Sunrise, FL.  Sitting with my laptop balanced on the steering wheel of my semi truck "apartment". Windows down, chilly breeze carresseing my skin,, loving my soft thin flannel pajamas,,, some very gentle jazz,,, scents of the sprinklers and FL mixed bag aromas.... )

Just in the few minutes it took me to drive from Weston Publix to where I swap my car in Sunrise,and get back into my truck to sleep, I have run out of steam. Depressing,, I bought portions "for one"... maybe 16 oz of milk? 10 oz of meat?  Happy they have a great organic section.  Fresh bottle of Bragg's ACV,,, I also got lemon juice earlier today(drink it plain), fresh fruits, new supply of sour milk to chill and eat, I mean, yougart,,,and a few specific targetted herbal teas.... Drove by my most recent old apartment in Weston. I'm sure it has new tenants by now. I have been living in my truck since August. Thinking of my old roommate..

Now, I'm left with just disjointed fragments of the thoughts and pain I am in today.....  no one knows just how shattered and broken I am inside. I do believe it is a good place to be.. if I can just see the course,, and let God do the work he is so dilegently pursuing.

BUT OH MY GOD I HURT inside,, and with ALL MY BEING I WANT TO STOP THE PAIN...even if it means circumventing the "PROCESS" I am just so sore, and so wore out,, ,, I have literally cried all day,, from the beginning before dawn until this very minute. So  glad computer screens do not get run marks... Even in midday when I had to take the load on to Miami??? I cried then too. Most of it was weeping and anguish of deepest soul and heart.

I know why,,, I know what is up... I know what is going on.... I am just powerless to stem the tide or change the current.  I MUST ALLOW THIS SEASON ,,, for it has a lesson in it for me...but  I HURT,,, and sooo glad no one reads this.... it's the Good- Bye note no one ever finds, when the person takes their ink written notepaper and tucks it into their pocket before jumping off  a towering bridge into the frigid churning black waters below...

Several snapshots of today,,,, D,, bless her,,, imitating me.... she tried so hard,,, she only made me cry harder when she put her hand on my forehead to pray,, like i do to her.  She was at a loss,,, kinda cute, kept rubbing my back like I was one of the kids with a tummy ache,,,  kept telling me to not "blame myself" ,,,

((You gotta love Pentecostals in the altar,,, often times there's one person on each side ... one yells "HOLD ON!!"  and in the other ear one yells "TURN LOOSE"....))  done messed up that dude inside.

I always get cracked up and FRUSTRATED when well-meaning people THINK they know why I am in travail,, and say things like "stop beating your self up"  or whatever,,

STOP JUDGING ME, DAMNIT!!!!

Ever think??? Maybe my ANGUISH ISN'T EVEN ** ABOUT ME** ????

So here's precious D,, telling me we should go out to eat,, even if I have to go to work, I gotta get food first,,, she was clutching at straws,,, GOD DID NOT ENLIGHTEN HER ,,, and I could not,, ,WOULD NOT tell her any specific thing to agree in prayer with me on....  God tells me what to pray for others,,, She tried,,, and I appreciate her for it, even while wishing she would move on. She even followed me to the ladies room,, I had cried so hard I was trying not to be sick,, and well,, just   " Bless her LORD,,, Open her to the potential you have for her".Even in my own hurt, I worried she was taking my aloofness as personal rejection of her?? God I don't want to hurt another,,, but I didn't have it in me to play a role today. Forgive me?

And R A.,, with the beautiful glory of hair,,, she was worried,, she sat silent,, the best way to be at a time like I was in....  I SCARED HER TOO... she left,, when she came back she had brought me a plastic glass of cold water,,, I looked at it,, grateful,, but knew I was shaking too hard,,  I sighed i couldn't hold it,, and OMG R held the glass of water to my lips for me to drink of it,, to settle down...  I felt like a child...

I do feel that way...


I would have to say the greatest gift of all that was given in person, ,was the older lady saint, C,  (IN THE FUSCHIA TOP), she came up beside me with a "shimmy and c'mere girl" approach,,

 All i saw was a mother - figure that loves me,, and OMG she held me,, i didn't mean to cry then,,,,surely I will reach the end of this bottomless well of tears SOON??

 but I have wanted to be held ,,, i have been soo alone,, and I do not have love with my own mother,,, C held me "just right'.... and even when I pulled away,, probably 4 or 5 times,, I had no strength... and she stayed by by side,, I kept laying my head on her bosom...Wracked with fresh sobs and torments...

My thin strand of self-control was almost snapped asunder when C placed her hand on my heart and began to pray in the Holy Ghost over my heart.  She got the "closest" to the "right" need today... She asked me "who has broken your heart?"  as if she wanted the juicy gossip as if I were going to say I had been with a man or something.  She wasn't close at all then, lol.

"Nurturing" hold....  OH,,, how i wish i had that with my own mom...  a surrogate will do.. at Publix I have bought C a thank you card,,, and will leave it at the church office for her on Monday.

I know,, I believe,, I receive that a few specific people prayed for me,,, were concerned, but chose to stay apart, and pray from a distance.  They are the PERCEPTIVE ones,, the ones that GOD directs and gives the words to pray when I can not,,, not every thing has to be "laying on of hands",, although,, open to whatever God has.  Just know?? I recognize there is more of a force and that I was being prayed for. Thank you,,, And forgive me, please, I am sorry I texted so late.

I guess I fully intended to confess here in the privacy of the blog, to open up and really spill my heart,,, my guts are just pulled all out,, eviscerated, ,,but I am weary of it all... and so,, no,, I will not be telling why or what had me crying so much today...

I ccan say, I am not out of the woods yet.  I seriously hope GOD really is ALL THOSE "OMNI'S"  that we teach,, becasue I am in my truck alone and still broken.

Flat tire on my car when I got here to switch up at 10:30am and get to church,, and it was flat again when I came back after delivering in Miami  at 5:30pm this afternoon.  Added a "large car" can  size of Fix-A-Flat,,, and still had to add 20 psi of air.  I don;t have money to replace it,, and am not here on weekdays to get it done. So,, It will sit here in Sunrise seeping out all week,, and next Saturday,, for the 3rd time in a row, I will ahve to add Fix A Flat jsut to get to church.

all talked out,, got soft jazz playing,, ate a little something jsut so i could take my meds...176/ 104 ( almost low for me, lol) pulse at 92... Options of ways to lower all of the races... ok.

Today while grocery shopping in Miami Wal-Mart, I bought blank index cards, loose leaf notebook paper and folders.  I already began 2 new journals lately and was using one of them with the "exercises". Count me IN, though, so I assembled the tools suggested.

 its been a long life, I'm going to lay down.. AND PRAY i dont awaken screaming... that is getting really REALLY OLD!
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
both photos included in complete Picasa Web albums for further viewing of associated photographs.

There's No Way To Know..... We Have Taken Different Roads,,,

"I try not to think about what might have been,,,, no we'll never know "What Might Have Been"
(Little Big Town)

Seems I am becoming self-aware of a trend for myself? Weekend longings for love,, someone to share my slower, off- peak  times with. I wouldn't expect even a saint to keep up with my insane work schedule, but the more laidback Time Off periods?  Open longings.

That is just where I am. Got to trust that.

Live in this moment, for it exists. It is as real and valid as are  the euphoric times of a job well-done in my industry, or a life touched by a call or email or text... each viable.

Open to what is ahead? It's also okay to go back into Time. Brief forays into the magical creative world of "WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN?"  In this world? No one leaves. No rejections. No sickness. No depravity. No one screws around. No trips to the ER for CAT scans, or closet bruises, cuts, broken bones.

Everyone has a job and loves their day's work, then comes home and June Cleaver has fresh baked bread smelling up the whole house. The porch light is on, the kids come home, bicycles stowed for another night.

M-F, perhaps  I will  skip "Mine and So-and-So's song" because no one is here. Somebody left.  Me or them? Irrelevant.

Fri- Sat-Sun?  Lewis and I HAD  a song,,,, Isaac and I HAVE A SONG NOW,,,, even Ole and I have a few accrued over 15 years of making music together...

Angel - Alisha,,,, even young Jeremiah has a SONG  playing within me.

Certain friends? Yup, I hear an inner melody for them too..

There's one specific Denison & WHHS classmate that I mentor now.  When he calls, I may let him go to voicemail on purpose.  I love to listen to the sounds of his  laughter and smiles  seeping out of his VOICE. That too, is music to my ears.  It also gives me a chance to find out what the topic of today will be, perhaps I will stutter less when we talk on the phone?

The bump bump of the rumble strip? Is music to my ears,, it signifies guidelines and safety practices.

I live in TODAY... Got to trust in RIGHT NOW,,, LIVE IT. LOVE IT. SING IT. DANCE IT. LAUGH IT. CRY IT. FEEL EVERY NUANCE AND BREATH......

On my road, wherever it is leading me today? It is the RIGHT ROAD FOR THIS TODAY,

Trusting, making new music up as i go along,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Map? I Don't Need No Stinking Map

Okay,, that was said with humor and bewilderment.  It is jibing at how men won't stop and ask for directions,, but women will, supposedly because they don't know how to fold the map back on itself.

Also, I am out of my region.  I am in Springfield, MO and part of me was EXCITED to travel old, familiar roads. Today was a trip with old friends & landmarks, in new, dynamic seasons. The other part of me is wondering what am I doing here?  As a "regional" driver, I get paid less per mile than a "systems" driver,, so I am cheap labor.  That plays into the pounding ponder in my head of going OTR again.  Waiting until the Spring of course!!!  I have zero desire to get stuck in a blizzard for days with a pee cup and dry Ramen noodles.

So much is tumbling across the pallette of my mind, that I can scarcely "free-type" it fast enough.  In that arena I am "all over the map" too.  Between pen, paper, books in my hands,,,, and electronic media opening doors and windows I never knew existed???  I am a mess,,, in a good way, I think?

Raw,, OMG I am sooo raw these days.  Very up and down,,, very extremely tired of being sick in my body... and seeing the correlation of my state of mind and body is only twisting things more up in knots.

I stopped going to my "usual" doctors,,, I declare mutiny on medicines, ESPECIALLY INJECTIONS that make me sicker than they help,,, and the injections have to just wear off,,, 

Experimenting with all kinds of combinations of herbs, vitamins, supplements,  various teas and drinks,  all while still very IN NEED OF SERIOUS PAIN RELIEF!!!  The pain is the same on the inj meds or off,, but I am going CRAZY with need for relief!  I am ready to try most anything.  I have even been eating and drinking things that up until this point I disavowed.

Take ACV,,, WHY would I willingly drink something that comes out of my body as sweat etc and makes me smell like an apple flavored Easter egg???  I don't even have the dog here to blame!  LOL.

Or eat spoiled milk products ON PURPOSE???? C'mon are you kidding me?  How about tomatoes?? Do you get the same healthy benefit if you swallow it whole??? Because one of them made me gag, so I cut it in half and I REALLY hated the tomatoe giz then!! That is just SOOOOO gross!!

but,, I want to be healed in my body.

Then there's the whole "mind" thing... which is hurting, thumping btw.  I have read  & heard some things that are SOOOO FAR from my (probably) narrow,,,, limited thinking sphere????  That is just rocking my world.

Curiouser and curiouser,, I am finding that one click on the Information SuperHighway yields a HOST of OPTIONS for more,, and eventually,, you get to a place where the terms are starting to appear in each other's articles,,

I'm a big person on "CONFIRMATION" soooooo "out of the mouths of 2 or 3 (or more) let every word be established".

The challenge for me is to stay "ME" while BECOMING WHO I AM MEANT TO BE.

Whew,, State Farm ain't never gonna believe this....
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Experiencing nightmares again, I am putting off going to bed.  Just realized though, I also forgot to eat supper... so I ended up just now going into the C-store and spending $3.50 on a sandwhich that I really didn't want.  Must have food for my meds though.

The concept of screaming for release is not a new one to me.  In the early 1990's my husband and I participated in a 16 week, 4 weekend INTENSIVE Marriage Retreat situation.  One weekend we did the "Haircut" and the "Vesuvius",,, and pounded pillows with plastic bats.  I adapted that to me personally and I go to the golf driving range,, or in times of DIRE DISTRESS to the batting cages,,, SWINGING FOR THE FENCE 200 times in a row kinda unkinks my emotional knots as well.  Also,, at least once, I took an axe to a fence post,,,,

Another weekend session we "Bonded" - Taking turns in the Hotseat in the center of the circle and began to say,, then yell, then to SCREAM  "I need,, I Need,,,, I NEed..... I NEED,,, I NEEEEEDDD  " until something very PRIMAL snapped inside our gizzards and all of a sudden some STRANGER poured from our guts and we began to cry out all sorts of things...

Funny,,, it brought EVERYONE to an INTENSE BONDING *except my husband.  He held himself aloof.  He was the last to go,, and did it out of a rebellious attitiude,, and when his "cry" came out it was still controlled and accusatory to me and just tore me into a million MORE fragments than I already was....

Another session we practiced actual physical holds,, the "Nurturing" hold,, the "Bonding" hold.. and more,, I guess.  I have experienced those from Pastor Hattabaugh more in 2 1/2 years than I ever have in my entire 42 years!!!!!!!!!!!! 

But here I am tonight, dreading sleep and nightmares,,, the screaming that rocked the house this morning.  Worried that I have been screaming in my truck ,,,, or WORSE<, what if I have been screaming at people's houses?????  OOh boy!

Thinking of rudimentary meditation ideas,,, and between the TWO suggested EXERCISES (screaming or meditating) ,, I think that meditating is the one I will go with before bedtime.  I already do something along those lines that is RIGHT FOR ME... so this will just be an adaptation,, until I can learn how to do it by the book.

I have what I call a "Prayer Rug",,,, which for me,, it is a soft, plush high pile bath rug that I keep rolled up and put away.  I only bring it out SPECIFICALLY when I want to get barefoot, and SIT ON THE FLOOR of my home/truck,,,,  It provides a clean environment,, but it is also a signal to my brain and soul that I am engaging in something SPECIAL.

During times of sitting, subjecting myself etc on my Prayer Rug,, I often end up kneeling,, or VERY OFTEN completely prostrate and in UTTER SUBJECTION to the GOD that is moving me....communicating.... concentrating....

Times of being LOST in HIM,,, when I can actually RELAX and let my mind, my heart, my thoughts, my emotions,,LET IT ALL GO,,, and it even let's my body sag and go LIMP,,, sends me to another dimension.

So not sure why?? But to me,, after several exposures to "MEDITATION" through media and conversations???   It seems like it may be an extension of something I already enjoy and do regularly.

Like when "Free-Writing" was looked up, then explained by a few sources?  I am a bit put off that "Meditation" seems to be something I "already do"....  a silly pout going on here,,,,

I was hoping it would be A BIG ANSWER???? I am not discounting it,, I am just READY FOR CHANGE!!!  If you do the same things you have always done, you get the same results you have always gotten.  And those are not working for me anymore.. I NEED RELIEF and HEALING!!

ok,, closing this abruptly... I am tapped tonight. sigh....

Praying for sweet dreams for me and for you as well,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~