60 Seconds in a minute/ 60 minutes in an hour.
3,600 seconds in an hour/ 24 hours in a day.
86, 400 seconds in a day/ 7 days in a week.
604, 800 seconds in a week/ 52 weeks in a year.
31, 449, 600 seconds in a year.
That's what my mind has managed to boil my existence down to at this moment.
31, 449, 600 seconds in a year. I can not add seconds to the regular 365 days a year. If I live the entire year from beginning to ending, I can not actually reduce the number of seconds. The question is never really in how many seconds I have left to use in my lifetime of seconds, minutes, days, weeks, years, but rather how did I spend that exact factual numbered supply? I actively control or affect the latter.
As a person, I describe myself as passionate, on fire, shaking and baking, busy, invigorated, optimistic, emotional, loving, driven, tenacious, forgiving, intelligent, motivated, inspired, always learning, dynamic, curious, open, tender, giving, serving, full of gratitude. I know that list is not focussing on grammar or form. It is more important to me to spit a whale out of the pit of my tummy right now than it is to make it come to sense to anyone, but me! I need a moment of my own clarity and understanding. I'M WORKING ON IT!!!
I've prayed about it. Meditated. Read material. Written. Practiced free-writing just prior to this stint at the computer. I've slept on it, dreamed of it, or tossed and turned over it.
The concept of free writing is something that results in several thoughts tumbling from me at once. Today, I looked "free writing" up online again and chose an educational, no frills site. Then I decided to follow their format. This included setting a timer, not stopping, not editing, not judging, and choosing a topic to write about. In my own off beat sense of humor? I chose "Free Writing" as the topic. Why? I was curious what would come up?
I am into the details of how and why. That is a bit annoying at times like free writing, praying, meditating, etc. I know why I do this. It came up several times this past week. I heard myself saying in my head, or even muttering out loud, "Damn! I was set up to fall short on this. That's going to show as a "fail". Fail is an angry word in my vocabulary. I HATE TO FAIL. If you do this, Jan, you will fail."
I have had a lot of exposure to old concepts that came to me in fresh ways this past 11 months. Some of it is so simple, it was hard. Some of it was hidden among the stuff of life. Some of it I was conditioned to get over it, move on. Some of it, I just accepted, tired of bucking the flow upstream. Some of it, habit or traditions held me bound. Some of it religion or dogma put fear in my spirit and I stayed shy away from either the Unknown, or the unsafe.
Some of it was brand spanking new to me, some of it I just kept pushing back, staying in my roll with the flow mode that gets me through all kinds of life drama or issues. That last one, rolling with the flow, is a survival tool I've had to engage, seems like all my life. Just get through it, move on, and hope I learned a thing or two?
As a person, I get very uptight thinking that I might fail, and it sometimes causes the very thing I am worrying over. The concept I recognized this year was "what you reflect out of you, is what you attract to you." Even as I type this, my stomach is roiling, my jaw is clamped, my hands keep clenching, my posture is slumped and my eyes keep drifting off screen.
The day is beautiful in Central Florida, but my focus is lax and I think it keeps trying to protect me, to push me back just under an alarming level? The fact I can't focus even is ticking me off, and I see I am going in circles. "Failing" again. This time to sort out or stay on a topic. Just as I wrote that? I huffed an angry growl that would have smoked my laptop into an incendiary heap of smoldering ash if I was a dragon. UGH! I have been in and out of that stage of an aggravated huff for quite a while now!!!
Here is a bit of my shot gun spray of angst. Some of it came out in my free writing exercise. As I wrote most of it? I noticed myself pushing my way through to humor. That's another survival tool. If you can laugh about a situation? It may not be as bad as you once thought, it might relax if it is bad, and you can definitely ease up and get into the "roll with the flow" stage if you can laugh about it.
As I was free writing? My mind was still so uptight, it kept telling me "you can't edit it , per the "RULES", so don't screw it up the first time to begin with. Just keep it light, so you can keep moving. Don't get serious or grey. Don't fail this too, Hooper!"
hmmmm... is that a sign of something more deeply ominous? All week I referred to myself by an old name, my maiden name. Hmmm?
To free write? I paid careful attention up front to "get everything right". I located looseleaf paper. I found me a lid to a storage unit to use as a desktop. I found the timer function on my EVO and even restarted it. I wanted to set it for ten minutes, but I got edgy that pushing the start took up my seconds. So I actually set it for 10 minutes, 30 seconds, to give me time to turn and address my paper. I fidgeted with the Sirius Xm selections.
I love classical and symphonic music, but I found myself grooving to the beat. If anything had voice? I was straining to decipher it. I settled in with cool jazz, only every 5th song or so has any lyrics to it. The station is called Watercolors, and when I think of that word, I think of light shades of blue, watery, mixxing and fading across a clean canvas. Beginning to drip, swirl, tilt.. blend. That seemed a good moodsetting for writing.
Finally, I stopped all that bustle and I truly did the three deliberate, slow breaths that I learned this year. What a gift!
I didn't have a pen on hand that I like. I am adamant to write with blue ink when it is for personal or pleasure use. And I don't like the pen to be smooth grip, or medium point. The only blue pens on my truck now are slick bics or a Pilot knock off with a broken plastic sheath. So the pen bent at the tip, wobbling as I wrote and I kept noticing it. Annoyed. Wow. I am really cranky, lol.
I chose the topic Free Writing because just those words make me smile.... okay, they make me grin and internally giggle. I feel the corners of my eyes crinkling and my heart gets skippy in a happy beat. This is a result of when I first "discovered" the term, I asked three people I trust to tell me what all the buzz was about. And all three of them laughed at me, or should I say, with me? I was sheepish to ask. They all three got sparkles of good humor, that radiated out in their reply. I can not rein in a a goofy giggle in my heart to think of the phrase "free writing". So I chose a subject that both infuriates me and makes me laugh. That's a typical experience right now, in the exact SECOND I am living.
Whew, that was wandering. My mind is doing a lot of that drifting stuff lately. ANYWAY! What I came up with in the free writing exercise in ten minutes was just exactly how much TEN MINUTES costs or affects. And YES!! That is my anxiety! That is my "fail". That is what is twisting and turning me into knots. As I defined it in my ramblings today, this ten minute exercise is JUST ANOTHER item to add to my "Things To Be Done" list.
Ten minutes by itself is a small number. That's only 600 seconds out of a year.
But when the "LIST" keeps tacking STUFF on every day?
Or when items really should be given more than ten minutes to be adequate?
I'm overwhelmed and out of time before I begin.
I failed.
Sigh.....
10 minutes to pray.
10 minutes to breathe.
10 minutes to meditate.
10 minutes to read.
10 minutes to write.
10 minutes to exercise.
10 minutes to love.
10 minutes to serve.
10 minutes to give.
Many of those on that list above should have 30-60 minutes- EACH AND EVERY DAY!!
Yet, just at the bare bones? Before breakfast or a shower? It's already 90 minutes, or one and a half hours of my exact 24 hours a day.
Each advocate says their exercise is the one necessary to be life-changing or meaningful. As it all adds up, I feel the weight of my shortcomings on my soul. I feel the strain to add even one more routine to my unstructured work and lifestyle. See? In doing the exercise, I almost talked myself out of doing, while still in the process of doing it.
Confused yet? Here's another one for you. I am not into jokes that find their humor in degrading or injuring another. One of the rare exceptions so far, has been an NPR Radio show on Saturdays called, "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me." I find it to be funny, a bit risque, and yet, somewhat a funny way to present portions of truthful events. I live in a technical era that offers so many ways to get the gratification I search for. If my laptop internet streams too slow for live-streaming? If SiriusXM doesn't have it? The new Android most likely has it somewhere.
My EVO has an application called "Tune In Pro" that allows me to search and tap into live streams of radio WORLDWIDE. I can listen now, record these to listen to later, fast forward, rewind, etc. I can search by title of a program, local station, genre, or just by letting the Android tell me what is on. Over 5,000 options. By the way, even for a multi-tasker like me? That is 4, 999 more radion stations than I can enjoy at one time!
I knew August 20, 2011 was Saturday. Where was my NPR radio show? I made it my agenda to LAUGH dammit. Man! I ended up being thwarted in every corner and aggravated at trying to find what I put my hopes on to make me laugh! Aiyiyiyi!
The program is contingent upon good cell phone signal coverage. And my opinion? Sprint has the absolute lousiest coverage of all the providers! As I drive on my job, I am forever having to reboot my Sprint computer aircard for my laptop and my cell phone to get back in the stream. How annoying!
If I am recording on Tune In? Well, it gets a burp in the stored program every time I lose signal or have to reboot. Yesterday? I swear it seemed like every time it was a punchline to a joke, or an answer to a question? A wrinkle in time and I lost signal!!! Grrrr.
So, I had a brainstorm!!! This is at least a nationwide NPR program. I could find it in, say, Pacific time zone and program it to record for later. Meanwhile, I stumbled upon podcasts of "Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me" with weekly dates up to August 13th.
FINALLY!!! This is where I found humor to make up for the humorous radio I was being gypped of! Here is my punchline - " Next week's podcast will be last week's broadcast copy of today's show."
I simply need to be patient 604,800 seconds until this time next week, to hear today's show.
It failed to humor me then, that all of the podcasts are new material to me, since I just discovered them yesterday.
To sum this all up, as I can feel my steam is seeping out? The "Do XXXXX or you will fail, Jan" comes from my work on my job as a truck driver. It was when I was a lease operator and my aggressive driver manager pushed his equally aggressive driver (me) to succeed in the business model.
450 miles a day or you will fail, Jan.
750 miles on Monday, did not excuse a 350 mile day on Tuesday. To the pair of us? I had shown I had the potential for a 750 mile day each and every time.
It also goes back to a phrase I heard all through my growing up years. "You are falling so far below your potential. What a waste."... well, somehow, that didn't motivate me to "SHOW THEM",,, it eventually came to, "Well, FINE, I won't fricking ever be good enough anyway, so I aint gonna bust a gut trying this time either."
Today, I refuse to fall into that trap or lie!!!
I end up leaning more to the "450 miles a day or you will fail" mentality.
Push myself to my edge, then tomorrow? Strive to BETTER MY BEST.
This can be a powerful tool to spur me onward. Right now though, it is making me tired to my core of always falling just short of the mark I set in my own path. Especially since I do not control many aspects of trucking business.
The only parts I do control? MY alarm clock, my calendar, my time spent attending to the driving, the fewer, shorter stops better.
I am watching my life pass by at 62 mph in a huff of sick diesel fumes.
Currently, I have an agressive driver manager again. This man does not believe he needs to consult me when he plans my loads. He expects me to go when and where I am told, when he tells me to do so. This grates on my every last nerve.
I am an intelligent, thinking, rational human being and I can choose when and where, how and what route to go,,, as long as the WHY is covered,,, which is simple - safe! on time! pick up and delivery! professional, attentive customer service at my own HIGH STANDARD.
The driver manager discovered I will run my heart out. So he has gotten a bad habit of planning me back to back, grueling, very tight deadlines that "rescue" loads and drive his/my miles up per week. It pays to have me on a fleet. It pays me to have a manager like him behind me. Together? We are killing my desire to keep going on!
This week? I pushed HARD out of the gate! Almost immediately, circumstances caused me to sit 20 hours UNPRODUCTIVE, then "help me out",,, so I ran hard and furious to back his play.
Got to the next one? He has booked me back to back, no wiggle room. I had better plan on a tailwind to push my truck 63 mph, and not drink any water that day.
Get almost to the destination (projected on time, btw) and he slings me to rescue another driver's load, who is already TWO fricking hours late.
I have remained in that 1-2 hour late status the rest of the week. You can't make it up.
i am failing at my job. Just as I failed to not overthink free writing. Just as I failed to see how in God's green earth I can add ONE MORE 10 minute routine to my day!!!!!!!!!!
Will I get relief? COUNT ON IT! Will I perservere? Yep! Will I get righted and get on top of my own work ethic? You bet your A$$.
Right now? I have 100 minutes. That's 6,000 seconds left before I have to blast off on a Sunday to commence today's effort to catch up from the hell hole of "failures" of last week. How I spend that finite, exact, specific allotment of "time"?
Is up to me.
Getting off the computer to find a way to raise my emotions, my vibrations and my attitude?
Count on it,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Essence
I shall be at peace when the lion within can lie down with the lamb.
Showing posts with label Conflicted. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Conflicted. Show all posts
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Letting Go I Win, Holding On I Lose
That title is old, coming from the LIFE CHANGING radically impacting podcast from Dr. Charles Stanley in his "Blessings in Brokeness" series June 2008. That message stripped me naked, and allowed spiritual healing to fully begin. In a sense, they were my Walls of Jericho, and they sustained a mortar hit of cataclysmic proportions.
The next phrase to hit me as strongly, in its Simple In Its Beauty- kind of way is "What am I holding onto that is no longer serving me?"
Funny, how years apart and sources EXTREMELY varied, the same inner message is revisited and made new in its timelessness.
Letting Go...
This is an area, among many that I struggle with. A few segments would be the storage shed I keep of homemade Christmas ornaments, hand prints, and Play Doh hearts on strings. Most everything points to "back when I had a family". Of course, I still have the same family members, even new faces.
After sitting all day at a shipper and being lazy, resting, I got up and felt led to some deeper meditations. They were not new. But I was asked to treat them like it was the very first time. Much as a Christian, we look back and remember our fervor, joy, and zeal in the "First Love" when we give our lives to God.
What I found there is challenging me. At the moment, it has me raw, and a cross between a laugh and a cry. It is not that there is work to do. As long as I breathe, I will have more that can be accomplished. It is wrestling inside with feelings of frustration and of failure. I SHOULD BE able to get closure and I SHOULD BE able to forgive and grow onward.
Yet, I am holding on. To negative thoughts. To old ways. To my past. To anchors that have become weights, no longer grounding me, but holding me down.
So, I write with a vex in my spirit, and no answer.
I know what I need to do. I stand poised to act. And I back away,, and sit there, remaining in my confusion.
THe decision is mine. The choice is mine. The action to take is mine.
WHAT AM I HOLDING ON TO????
No answer,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
The next phrase to hit me as strongly, in its Simple In Its Beauty- kind of way is "What am I holding onto that is no longer serving me?"
Funny, how years apart and sources EXTREMELY varied, the same inner message is revisited and made new in its timelessness.
Letting Go...
This is an area, among many that I struggle with. A few segments would be the storage shed I keep of homemade Christmas ornaments, hand prints, and Play Doh hearts on strings. Most everything points to "back when I had a family". Of course, I still have the same family members, even new faces.
After sitting all day at a shipper and being lazy, resting, I got up and felt led to some deeper meditations. They were not new. But I was asked to treat them like it was the very first time. Much as a Christian, we look back and remember our fervor, joy, and zeal in the "First Love" when we give our lives to God.
What I found there is challenging me. At the moment, it has me raw, and a cross between a laugh and a cry. It is not that there is work to do. As long as I breathe, I will have more that can be accomplished. It is wrestling inside with feelings of frustration and of failure. I SHOULD BE able to get closure and I SHOULD BE able to forgive and grow onward.
Yet, I am holding on. To negative thoughts. To old ways. To my past. To anchors that have become weights, no longer grounding me, but holding me down.
So, I write with a vex in my spirit, and no answer.
I know what I need to do. I stand poised to act. And I back away,, and sit there, remaining in my confusion.
THe decision is mine. The choice is mine. The action to take is mine.
WHAT AM I HOLDING ON TO????
No answer,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Sing With Me, "How Great Is Our God"
Today was a prime example of being reminded full on just how O-O-O God is. Many of you know me, and remember that is one of my favorite truths of God- Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient.
Time = a temporal length of event or entity's existence (http://www.thesaurus.com/)
Some of the reminders came from words, well-timed, carefully chosen, and steadfastly presented in emails, comments, texts and conversations. All of these communication require a sender and a receiver. Perfect timing. Often days in between the orginal and the reply, yet on time, each and every time. Time :)
Twice today alone, the brad was tacked into my heart by God himself, moving my 80,000 pound truck in JUST THE NICK OF TIME. Twice, vehicles illegally merged into my path. Both times, the instinct to save them, caused me to swerve and fishtail. Both times, vehicles in the next lane to my left also had to readjust. Each time, the merging offender glared balefully at me even though I am "Slower Traffic In The Right Lane". Sigh.... my pet peeve. TWICE!
I also received glad tidings from my youngest daughter. The new baby is a boy!!! Young Abraham Anton Johnson should make his appearance into our world approximately July 5, 2011. His big brother, Jeremiah Alon Johnson, will be about 16 months old. Mom and baby are doing great thus far!
Alisha gave me the go ahead to shout it out and tell family members and friends! My first was a text message blitz. The next was to call my Mom & Dad. Later, I called Michael too. A very few emails and then a FB blast!
It is very painful talking to my Mom. What ,,,, ahhh, I don't even know how to say it. I want to just love her, forgive her, and go on loving her even if unreturned. But it is hard. I'm a big girl, this shouldn't be bugging me still, but it is.
Hurt today by people, my body weary of the struggle to survive.
Then, as my life opens up to new people? New risks. Today, especially, I am very raw and in need of clarity and respite.
People. Ideas. New ways. Old paths. Soveriegn God.
Weak Jan.
Always loathing my weakness.
So, this is it. Closing this in pain of the heart and mind tonight. In need of alone time with God and Him alone. No one else can fill the void within me ...
So the blessing of today, is that I drove many many miles, to arrive at the receiver at 7:30pm Tuesday for an appointment at 0700, Wednesday. I am first in the gate. They will take me in at 0300. In Weston, FL, just 5 minutes from my car and old apartment.
Away from resteraunts, people, other cars, I am parked under an old oak tree, dripping with the ancient Spanish moss of my childhood. It is no accident that I am here alone, safe. Time carved out for me and God, face to face.
I do not have the heart to sing tonight to anyone or anything. But I will. It is called a sacrifice of praise. For tonight, I feel even more unworthy than usual. But God knows all. Is all powerful. And is everywhere. How great is our God.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Time = a temporal length of event or entity's existence (http://www.thesaurus.com/)
Some of the reminders came from words, well-timed, carefully chosen, and steadfastly presented in emails, comments, texts and conversations. All of these communication require a sender and a receiver. Perfect timing. Often days in between the orginal and the reply, yet on time, each and every time. Time :)
Twice today alone, the brad was tacked into my heart by God himself, moving my 80,000 pound truck in JUST THE NICK OF TIME. Twice, vehicles illegally merged into my path. Both times, the instinct to save them, caused me to swerve and fishtail. Both times, vehicles in the next lane to my left also had to readjust. Each time, the merging offender glared balefully at me even though I am "Slower Traffic In The Right Lane". Sigh.... my pet peeve. TWICE!
I also received glad tidings from my youngest daughter. The new baby is a boy!!! Young Abraham Anton Johnson should make his appearance into our world approximately July 5, 2011. His big brother, Jeremiah Alon Johnson, will be about 16 months old. Mom and baby are doing great thus far!
Alisha gave me the go ahead to shout it out and tell family members and friends! My first was a text message blitz. The next was to call my Mom & Dad. Later, I called Michael too. A very few emails and then a FB blast!
It is very painful talking to my Mom. What ,,,, ahhh, I don't even know how to say it. I want to just love her, forgive her, and go on loving her even if unreturned. But it is hard. I'm a big girl, this shouldn't be bugging me still, but it is.
Hurt today by people, my body weary of the struggle to survive.
Then, as my life opens up to new people? New risks. Today, especially, I am very raw and in need of clarity and respite.
People. Ideas. New ways. Old paths. Soveriegn God.
Weak Jan.
Always loathing my weakness.
So, this is it. Closing this in pain of the heart and mind tonight. In need of alone time with God and Him alone. No one else can fill the void within me ...
So the blessing of today, is that I drove many many miles, to arrive at the receiver at 7:30pm Tuesday for an appointment at 0700, Wednesday. I am first in the gate. They will take me in at 0300. In Weston, FL, just 5 minutes from my car and old apartment.
Away from resteraunts, people, other cars, I am parked under an old oak tree, dripping with the ancient Spanish moss of my childhood. It is no accident that I am here alone, safe. Time carved out for me and God, face to face.
I do not have the heart to sing tonight to anyone or anything. But I will. It is called a sacrifice of praise. For tonight, I feel even more unworthy than usual. But God knows all. Is all powerful. And is everywhere. How great is our God.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
What A Song!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2diIeBEmvWw
Five Finger Death Punch-"Far From Home"
Great song in a great album, enjoy. [Lyrics] Verse 1 Another day in this carnival of souls Another nights ends, end as quickly as it goes The memories are shadows; ink on the page And i can't seem to find my way home Chorus And it's almost like Your heaven's trying everything You.......
Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them. Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891 Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 - 1900
Moved a weight around in my chest. It's still there. It just shifted. Not sure what to do or where to go next.
Was COMPLETELY blindsided. And OH!! I hate being snuck up on!!!
Wow,,, go to sleep now? Riiiiight.
jmo
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
The episode of my favorite TV show that I watched, tonight it wasn't about the murders this time. It was about the family of the killer.
In the end, an adult woman whose father was a serial killer when she was in elementary school, asked what was wrong with her that she couldn't hate her father?
This hit me soooo hard! I ask myself ALL THE TIME
"HOW can you forgive your dad?"
"WHY can't you forgive your mother?"
Both haunt me. I can forgive so much,, and I do try,, to forgive her, even thought she is freaking clueless and still turns her back to me. The correct order of roles was reversed somehow? I had to protect HER??!! WTH!
I want peace,, especially before she goes,, but she doesn't know,, or care,,, that I have ought with her.
Once, when I was in junior high I asked her, what would she do if she knew Dad was doing something to Michael or me? Her response was swift, full of venom and distorted her features- "I WOULD KILL HIM!"
Well, alrighty then, *itch!!! YOU chose to never be around!! YOU chose to drop me off! YOU chose to not SEE me!! YOU chose to not take care of things.... and YOU want to kill HIM!??! Like Heck!
So,,, i kept my silence...
In the TV episode tonight??? The daddy kills the mom.
UGH!!!!
Five Finger Death Punch-"Far From Home"
Great song in a great album, enjoy. [Lyrics] Verse 1 Another day in this carnival of souls Another nights ends, end as quickly as it goes The memories are shadows; ink on the page And i can't seem to find my way home Chorus And it's almost like Your heaven's trying everything You.......
Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them. Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891 Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 - 1900
Moved a weight around in my chest. It's still there. It just shifted. Not sure what to do or where to go next.
Was COMPLETELY blindsided. And OH!! I hate being snuck up on!!!
Wow,,, go to sleep now? Riiiiight.
jmo
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
The episode of my favorite TV show that I watched, tonight it wasn't about the murders this time. It was about the family of the killer.
In the end, an adult woman whose father was a serial killer when she was in elementary school, asked what was wrong with her that she couldn't hate her father?
This hit me soooo hard! I ask myself ALL THE TIME
"HOW can you forgive your dad?"
"WHY can't you forgive your mother?"
Both haunt me. I can forgive so much,, and I do try,, to forgive her, even thought she is freaking clueless and still turns her back to me. The correct order of roles was reversed somehow? I had to protect HER??!! WTH!
I want peace,, especially before she goes,, but she doesn't know,, or care,,, that I have ought with her.
Once, when I was in junior high I asked her, what would she do if she knew Dad was doing something to Michael or me? Her response was swift, full of venom and distorted her features- "I WOULD KILL HIM!"
Well, alrighty then, *itch!!! YOU chose to never be around!! YOU chose to drop me off! YOU chose to not SEE me!! YOU chose to not take care of things.... and YOU want to kill HIM!??! Like Heck!
So,,, i kept my silence...
In the TV episode tonight??? The daddy kills the mom.
UGH!!!!
Monday, December 13, 2010
Still Here and There
It's been a day or so since I have entered into the blog. No real reason. Not over busy at work. Not any one thing I can pinpoint. A myriad of Life Experiences. Learning to be grateful for every turn in my roads. So fallible. So human.
For a long time, I thought I was making progress in the equilibrium of the chaos of my life, health, relationships, P-P-F, spiritual walk, etc.
I'm still not ready to fully discuss what all happened the weekend of December 4, 2010 when I went to see Angel. I am still trying to weed out the blessings from among the thorns. I was a TERRIBLE person... and it just breaks my heart. I can't do that again. EVER.
The up-side is that this weekend of Dec 11-12th was out of this world amazing! Angel and I both have bittersweet gifts of forgiving, trusting souls.... and it stood us in good stead! Then to share a part of our lives (church) with my brother, Michael??? Was just unspeakeable glory and abundant merciful grace.
Also, not able to share the details of this time either.
Matter of fact, not sure why I am writing here, this minute at all???? I have so many scraps of paper,, journal pages, notes began on the word processor, email drafts to myself, that I didn't even send TO ME.... I am bound up in knots in my words.
That is another sad thing,, I had been doing SO GOOD to let all the scars and wounds get healing air.... and I screwed up so bad that I am ashamed to even write it.
ALthough, it happened?? It just tears me apart.
I sat in my truck, for more than an hour today. Mesmerized, turning my hands over, and over, and over. Looking at the scars. Plenty to look at. Callouses, scars, disfigurements.
Of special note were the injuries 1 yr, 2 yrs, a decade old. How did they heal? At what point did infection or injury turn the corner to new tissue, stronger joints, bones, skin? I remember each step. Especially the March 2009 Dallas-born, crescent shaped scar where I had nine stitches, lost a piece of bone, and GOD grew a new joint UP to meet the knuckle line, and then GOD closed an infected, swollen, fevered, oozing wound that wouldn't even support stitches.
How did I get here? When did I lose control?
So,, there is a a damn dam in my spirit where only recently I had pulled my finger out of the dyke and the hell inside broke loose in a fury, a raging torrent of words, and then formed to a more meaningful river,,,
now? i am still here. Still going there.
One day,,, one breath,,,, one decision.... one at a time.
Janet M. Olsen
~J~
Sunday, December 5, 2010
The Life Of a Fairy Tale
To see the rest, will need to scroll down, Even my petty annoyances are looming larger than life. I cant figure it out :-/
Blessed. Grateful. Bequeathed a gift.
Those are the answers to "What is the blessing?"
I'm still bound up inside. Too much so to spit it out on type or paper. Unfortunately, I doubt myself, that I can make it rated PG 13... Right now everything from this weekend is still very BIG to me. Out of proportion. Inappropriate.
No longer angry, I am just hurt. A smidgen mad at myself that I can't STAY mad long enough ,,, lol. That may be an odd thing to say? But, Right, Wrong, and Grey it took THREE to tango this weekend. I'm no angel, and I was rude and out of line... but I was also run over and taken advantage of. Mack truck-style.
I am wrong. I was wrong. I acted wrong. Just lost tonight. Of all the good that can be said of me? I am no hero, no warrior, no wonderful person in this weekend Just clay, very marred clay.
So, this little jot will have to do temporarily. I was going to the beach to get as close to the water as I could to meditate and pray,,, or scream and cry, ,,, or dance and spend myself, maybe all of that.
But frankly? Being angry takes sooo much out of me.. It hurts my heart (and stomach) soooo much,,, that I am spent already. So I just drove back to my truck. Sitting in my car, parked by my truck. I SO(!) do not want to get in that dark cave/jail cell.... For awhile at least,, I am sitting here in the cool of the evening,, trying not to give in to the tears of hurt, loss, shame, fears, and regret.
Angel called about the time I got to Ft. Meyers... she was too bright and casual, too bubbly and like tinkling brass. She reminded me of the little cartoon of the two dogs, one jumping in circles around the big dog" what are we gonna do today Spike? huh Spike? Huh Spike? huh? huh?"
That is one of the BLESSINGS is that both Angel and I are very forgiving souls. As for Aaron? FLASH OF ANGER - I don't give a John Brown's Horse... hmmmm
But ,,, too near tears to stay on the fake side with Angel,, I just let her ramble in her nervous way.... and when travelling cell phone signal crackled, I was grateful to close the call.
I had looked so forward to seeing her. I always carry months of "DID YOU SEE THATs??!?!" in my duffle bag,, collect music, scraps of paper, photos... I am such a damned puppy dog, so eager to see Angel... or Alisha... or even my parents...
Either I am too intense? Or they just don't give a damn? It is certainly one sided.
THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME TO BE SO WITH ANGEL THOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! She was my "STEADY" one,,, Alisha is like me, passionate and on fire for life. Angel was always the Rock of Gibralter.
I know, parents can't say they have favorite children. And I do not say that now. I do have distinctly different relationships with each of them as individual people.
Here's what I mean.
Angel and I are very close spiritually. Traditionally. The slow, thoughtful, loving, careful side of our affections. Very symbolic and holds on to "things" such as photos, gifts, knick knacks. Both Complacents. Very much intellectual nerds and introverts. Very deep thinkers. Intercessors. Forgiving. Givers. We give and receive love very similarly through touch and affection. Through word. We are both door mats and often overlooked and fairly content to be the soldier in the infantry, holding up the leadership round us. Servants. Musically gifted and our MAIN method of self-expression. Writers. Readers. Desire roots and foundations. The calm ember that just keeps the eternal flame.
Alisha and I both question EVERYTHING! We are very on fire and if the wood is wet, we can ignite it soon enough by nurturing the slightest flame. EXTREMELY passionate, we FLASH from one end of the spectrum to the next. Shaking and baking!! BIG DREAMERS! Intellectual chess partners. We use music and dance to BLAST our way in an out of our emotions and desires. Athletic, driven to succeed. Our affection is being close enough to touch, but content to have a visual line on our partner. Spontaneous, methodical, practical and inventive, McGyver. Creative and always looking for the next excitement. Also readers and writers. Very outspoken in our physical releases, both what we say and don't say. Very likely to pop out with what's on our mind and sort it out later. Alisha is the Fun and the Light in my world ( when she was home as my girl). Lifeforce, glow, bounce, sparkle, excitement.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
One thing that torqued me even as I went down there was all the running they needed me to do for them, but Angel & Aaron are BOTH PROCRASTINATORS... it's good they married each other! They collectively don't give a damn about who they inconvenience or hold up ,,,For instance, They would tell me "we need to leave by 9:30am to get to church by 10am",,,, I am at the door, keys in hand by 09:25am,,, Angel FINALLY puts her shoes on at 09:45m!!! When I wanted to stop and get a bottle of water to take meds with??? They huff and puff we are running late. Well WHO THE HECK RAN LATE DO YOU SUPPOSE?????
That's just ONE example of an entire weekend of rubbing the wrong way!
That's just ONE example of an entire weekend of rubbing the wrong way!
Angel and I had specific matching rings.... she has taken hers off. She didnt have the balls to tell me ahead of time. I found out last night, after the Induction Ceremony as we took photos outside, I reached around her, AS I ALWAYS DO, to take her hand and lace fingers, AS I ALWAYS DO, and the ring was missing. She curled her fingers away,, letting me know it was for real.
I asked, calmly at first, did she take it off and just forget to put it back on?
Took her until today to get around to telling me the truth. And the truth was not anything I wanted to hear.
And , abruptly, I know, the ring thing means more to me than OBVIOUSLY it does to anyone else,, soooo forget it,, moving on... I will have to work that out in my own head and heart.
AND GIVE UP AGAIN.
so anyway, goodnight,, this day has got to end soon. back to work, driving, when i drove all weekend.. so here we go,, off to the races,, when i never stopped running.
footnote: I did not tell, admit, confess whatever to Angel what I have been dealing with in my illness. I wanted to . But just didn't get the vibe that it was the right time,, or that she is much intersted in anyone besides herself. (just a phase,, gotta believe it is just a phase,, )
hoping she is just going through something and is pulling in her wings to garner her reserve survival resources???
i can understand THAT...
Love her through it,, see her on the other end.
If i dont screw it all up by being a total jerk first...
But, I didnt even take my usual 15-20 pills regimen while there,, I really tried to keep how sick I am, how in pain my body is,, on the down low.
No worries there... she didnt know I was around.
JMO
CREED LYRICS
"A Thousand Faces"
I stand surrounded by the walls that once confined me
Knowing I'll be underneath them
When they crumble when they fall
With clarity my scars remind me
Ash still simmers just under my skin
Indifference smiles again
So much I hide
How is stepping back a move forward?
Now I'm forced to look behind
I'm forced to look at you
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell which is you
Broken mirrors paint the floor
Why can't you see the truth
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell me which is you
Tell me which is you
Eerily time made no change
Pointing fingers, laying blame
Lying over and over and over and over
Deceiving your mind
Dug my grave...Trash my name
Yet here I stand so you won't fade away
Indifference smiles again
So much I hide
How is stepping back a move forward
Now I'm forced to look behind
I'm forced to look at you
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell which is you
Broken mirrors paint the floor
Why can't you see the truth
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell me which is you
Tell me which is you
I bleed inside
Just let it out
I bleed inside
I'm gonna let it out
Let it die
Now I'm forced to look behind
I'm forced to look at you
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell which is you
Broken mirrors paint the floor
Why can't you tell the truth
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell me which is you
Tell me which is you
Tell me
Tell me
Tell me
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me which is you
Tell me which is you
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Another Try
Well, the title does not really refer to my cold and stiff fingers on typing. LOL. Although, the backspace key is getting quite a workout. Slow going tonight.
Reading a book authored by a friend, I was challenged to look at childhood passions, current passions etc. I will be writing those down as an exercise. There are a few childhood passions that even as I read that section of the book, with no pen or paper handy, I formed a bullet quick list! A fewer in the current category.
One thing I can not really say in truth is that I ever had a plan for my life. I did not allow myself to grow and mature to a place of calculated learning and forward movement. Although, I had passions? I never was a child. From earliest recollection I was wife and mother to my dad & brother. Fill in the blanks.
It's in the Past now, but as a youth, I once was a wife, and then a mother of two high achieving young women. Life had a way of carrying me along. Sometimes I was on top of the log, sometimes dangling below it, bobbing for air. Sometimes in front of it, fending it off of me so I could swim for dear life.
So, I never had a chance to think who or what or how I would like my personal "LOVE relationships" to be. That's where the title to this post comes in. Josh Turner's song "Another Try" says, "The reasons I'm alone I know by heart. I don't want to spend forever in the dark. I swear next I'll hang on for dear life. If LOVE ever gives me Another Try."
I have that on my MP3 player, and I turn it up when it comes on. I think part of that is I am a sucker for deep, bass voices. Also, the pensive croon to the words.
Lately though, as I read "Positive and Encouraging Words" in people's blogs, website, social networking, emails etc, I am chastened a bit. So tonight when I hear the familiar lyrics, it raised a question in me.
"What do you mean, 'I'll hang on for dear life'"? Part of where I am today in my Journey with myself is "BUMP THAT!!! I am taking no prisoners. If someone WANTS to be with me, then fine. If not, See Ya!"
Inside though?? I wonder? Which would it be? I know another song by Blake Shelton says "She was all over me. And I used to let it get all over me. WHat I wouldn't give to have her back again, now that she's all over me."
Ole - I was young, he chose me for that reason. He actually likes them young. Hmm.. but he wanted me to (his words) "make him the center of my world". He was so afraid that he couldn't be loved for who he is, that he had to INSIST I love him, submit to him, serve him. He was determined to be the center. He was the one who was ALL OVER ME.... and was heavy and hot and pushy about it.
I grew quickly to loathe his touch. It wasn't given lovingly, it was control. Then it was fear. Then it was just plain old disgust.
With Lewis, I did not connect with him instantly. I liked him, but wasn't attracted and we were not physical for a good while. However, he emotionally loved me, almost immediately. He sought me, he wooed me, he waited for me.
By the time I was realizing I was loving my best friend more and more and more every day? He was very present and available and we were the bestest of buds and of friends. We told each other EVERYTHING! We went everywhere, spent time as a family and as a couple. Slowly, without me thinking too much about it? We held hands, we touched completely down our sides on the porch swing for hours. We sat back to back, skin to skin on the island on Lake Harris and jsut leaned on each other and talked for hours, days, weeks.
He said the scary words, "I Love You", before I did,, but I felt it too. It took me awhile, but by the time I could say it? We were in each other's heads, hearts, souls, sleep, dreams, minds,,,, Lewis and my girls,, it was a family thing.
It came down to marry or not... buy a house and be unmarried? No. Cars, boats, bikes, etc ,,, but a house?? No...
In this relationship, turns out I was the insatiable one. He showed me love and respect and I blossomed... by the end?? LOL... I was "all over him" and he let it get all over him. Wry chuckle here.
Every time we got to a milestone? He would flip out and need "space". By the time we got there?? I had weighed my decisions and was ready to move to the next level. But that man kept "needing space" after loving me so patiently to join him.
At the end? When I wouldn't marry him after his 2 requests? And it was time to go our own ways? I cried, asking him to stay. He left anyway.
I know it was the best. Now I do. At the time? Even now? It hurts. We began to date once he moved out. For almost 6 months, we went back to inseparable FRIENDS and buds,,,, until he met someone new.
That was always the deal, "Take the space you need. We will be here when you get back. But, Lewis, if you are with another woman? DON'T COME BACK." That is how it ended up playing out.
These two relationships of Ole and Lewis are the only two that had any possibility to them.
My fitness trainer and Jay J? These two were curiousity flings, They were me letting go of the strict holds I had on myself to raise my girls and to be "good". They were BAD BOYS and I was confused. I take FULL responsibilty for my actions and for reaping what I sowed.
Isaac? I will never be the majestic eagle he is. I am just an ugly brown wren. In all ways. Physically, intelectually, spiritually, emotionally,,,, he is just always so far above me, so classy, and it would be wrong to saddle him with me. Neither of us give in to our temptations to go further at the same time. LOL... so,, it just goes on and on being NOTHING.
Back to the title. "Another Try" ... if love ever gives me another try?
Hold on for dear life? Hmmm who is holding on to me? Or seeking me?
Would I follow old destructive patterns? Of too much or too little?
When do I just get to live out my passions, my purposes and do great good for others,, and as I live that fulfilment of my dreams? Will I live loved and cherished? Or just some freak of an island with a "heart of gold."?
I don't want prisoners,, nor do I want to be one. I want .....
World Peace and a Cure For World Hunger.
hmmmmm.....
well, this was a waste of time.
jan m olsen
~J~
Reading a book authored by a friend, I was challenged to look at childhood passions, current passions etc. I will be writing those down as an exercise. There are a few childhood passions that even as I read that section of the book, with no pen or paper handy, I formed a bullet quick list! A fewer in the current category.
One thing I can not really say in truth is that I ever had a plan for my life. I did not allow myself to grow and mature to a place of calculated learning and forward movement. Although, I had passions? I never was a child. From earliest recollection I was wife and mother to my dad & brother. Fill in the blanks.
It's in the Past now, but as a youth, I once was a wife, and then a mother of two high achieving young women. Life had a way of carrying me along. Sometimes I was on top of the log, sometimes dangling below it, bobbing for air. Sometimes in front of it, fending it off of me so I could swim for dear life.
So, I never had a chance to think who or what or how I would like my personal "LOVE relationships" to be. That's where the title to this post comes in. Josh Turner's song "Another Try" says, "The reasons I'm alone I know by heart. I don't want to spend forever in the dark. I swear next I'll hang on for dear life. If LOVE ever gives me Another Try."
I have that on my MP3 player, and I turn it up when it comes on. I think part of that is I am a sucker for deep, bass voices. Also, the pensive croon to the words.
Lately though, as I read "Positive and Encouraging Words" in people's blogs, website, social networking, emails etc, I am chastened a bit. So tonight when I hear the familiar lyrics, it raised a question in me.
"What do you mean, 'I'll hang on for dear life'"? Part of where I am today in my Journey with myself is "BUMP THAT!!! I am taking no prisoners. If someone WANTS to be with me, then fine. If not, See Ya!"
Inside though?? I wonder? Which would it be? I know another song by Blake Shelton says "She was all over me. And I used to let it get all over me. WHat I wouldn't give to have her back again, now that she's all over me."
Ole - I was young, he chose me for that reason. He actually likes them young. Hmm.. but he wanted me to (his words) "make him the center of my world". He was so afraid that he couldn't be loved for who he is, that he had to INSIST I love him, submit to him, serve him. He was determined to be the center. He was the one who was ALL OVER ME.... and was heavy and hot and pushy about it.
I grew quickly to loathe his touch. It wasn't given lovingly, it was control. Then it was fear. Then it was just plain old disgust.
With Lewis, I did not connect with him instantly. I liked him, but wasn't attracted and we were not physical for a good while. However, he emotionally loved me, almost immediately. He sought me, he wooed me, he waited for me.
By the time I was realizing I was loving my best friend more and more and more every day? He was very present and available and we were the bestest of buds and of friends. We told each other EVERYTHING! We went everywhere, spent time as a family and as a couple. Slowly, without me thinking too much about it? We held hands, we touched completely down our sides on the porch swing for hours. We sat back to back, skin to skin on the island on Lake Harris and jsut leaned on each other and talked for hours, days, weeks.
He said the scary words, "I Love You", before I did,, but I felt it too. It took me awhile, but by the time I could say it? We were in each other's heads, hearts, souls, sleep, dreams, minds,,,, Lewis and my girls,, it was a family thing.
It came down to marry or not... buy a house and be unmarried? No. Cars, boats, bikes, etc ,,, but a house?? No...
In this relationship, turns out I was the insatiable one. He showed me love and respect and I blossomed... by the end?? LOL... I was "all over him" and he let it get all over him. Wry chuckle here.
Every time we got to a milestone? He would flip out and need "space". By the time we got there?? I had weighed my decisions and was ready to move to the next level. But that man kept "needing space" after loving me so patiently to join him.
At the end? When I wouldn't marry him after his 2 requests? And it was time to go our own ways? I cried, asking him to stay. He left anyway.
I know it was the best. Now I do. At the time? Even now? It hurts. We began to date once he moved out. For almost 6 months, we went back to inseparable FRIENDS and buds,,,, until he met someone new.
That was always the deal, "Take the space you need. We will be here when you get back. But, Lewis, if you are with another woman? DON'T COME BACK." That is how it ended up playing out.
These two relationships of Ole and Lewis are the only two that had any possibility to them.
My fitness trainer and Jay J? These two were curiousity flings, They were me letting go of the strict holds I had on myself to raise my girls and to be "good". They were BAD BOYS and I was confused. I take FULL responsibilty for my actions and for reaping what I sowed.
Isaac? I will never be the majestic eagle he is. I am just an ugly brown wren. In all ways. Physically, intelectually, spiritually, emotionally,,,, he is just always so far above me, so classy, and it would be wrong to saddle him with me. Neither of us give in to our temptations to go further at the same time. LOL... so,, it just goes on and on being NOTHING.
Back to the title. "Another Try" ... if love ever gives me another try?
Hold on for dear life? Hmmm who is holding on to me? Or seeking me?
Would I follow old destructive patterns? Of too much or too little?
When do I just get to live out my passions, my purposes and do great good for others,, and as I live that fulfilment of my dreams? Will I live loved and cherished? Or just some freak of an island with a "heart of gold."?
I don't want prisoners,, nor do I want to be one. I want .....
World Peace and a Cure For World Hunger.
hmmmmm.....
well, this was a waste of time.
jan m olsen
~J~
Monday, November 29, 2010
Yoga Class #2 This Past Sunday "Hot Yoga Groove"
HOT YOGA
HOT YOGA classes at Yoga Connection are an eclectic blend of Yoga styles combining the vast knowledge, experience and personalities of our amazing staff of Yoga Connection expert instructors. All Hot Yoga classes will be taught in our state of the art heated Yoga studio, and with great detail breaking down the mechanics of all postures.
Attended the Sunday PM “Hot Yoga Groove” class.
This letter is much shorter. I purchased the 10 week package for $160. It makes each class $16 plus a free one. So 11 total. I paid $18 for the morning class.
The Hot Yoga Groove was faster paced. Although, Savanah took time with me and a few other new people to physically touch us to adjust and align us??? She moved very rapidly from one thing to the next.
I was right to think I should get used to the positions, the breathing, the methods, the physical parts of it all before I add the heated sauna part. It felt great and did provide a deeper release, but it was a bit much as out of shape as I am.
As before, I was the only fat person. Everyone else, male/female, new/experienced. young/old, differing ethnicities, they were all slender and in shape. Sigh...
I know I didn't get this way in a day, or wasn't born this way. It will take time and a process to undo the damage I have exacted on my body through neglect, misuse, injury, and abuse.
Savanah is young (mid 20”s). The music was kind of Enigma or Enya style, still not what I hoped for “work out music”. All it did was set the pace higher, faster for the Yoga poses themselves. Very advanced stretches.
I struggled with the heat factor, and thought a few times I would actually throw up, ugh.
I TRIUMPHED BY NOT GETTING SICK AND BY NOT LEAVING THE ROOM THOUGH!! Even Savanah remarked she was surprised I stayed the entire 90 minutes, struggling even as I did. I did the work as best I could, allowing for newness, previous class and the foreign soreness in newly challenged muscles (LOL), the heat, etc.
A COURSE IN MIRACLES!!! Savanah read from their workbook 5-10 times, including during the meditative section of time at the end of class!! She often read it to us as we held or moved through stretches (I know there's a word for the that “FLOW” but don't know what it is???)
She also did that whole shaking her hands thing to flick off bad energy that Rilla did when she massaged me. IT is cracking me up how a month ago I didnt hear of ANY OF THIS and also only just told you about Rilla's holistic movements... and to be just inundated with it now is a lot of confirmation and establishing in my SPIRITUAL walk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hope I am doing okay and not in any harm??? Whew,,, a lot of TRUST going on here! Just because I am questioning??? I am not rejecting, obviously,,, since I am still going forward into new realms of Possibility.
That's all for Class #2. I may not go back right away. Let me get a firm basic foundation first.
Also, only baby steps in ACIM for me. It is tormenting me spiritually.
It was too late to shower and go to church at POCC. I was pretty OVERLOADED and OVERWHELMED by now anyway. Not sure I could allow more into me??
So I drove to the ocean, parked at the hotel where I stayed for Thanksgiving,, and went onto the deserted beach. It was raining, but I figured, I was already wringing wet anyway, and the sand is always invasive. I planned to shower at the beach before going back to my truck.
For an hour and half,, I sat just 10 feet from the water,,, heavy clouds, sporadic rain, no moon, lots of stars and watched the cruise ships go out. I cried ALOT!!!!!
I prayed some,, I sat there, stretched, then in a hugging pose, and rocked back and forth for an interminable amount of time,,, tears streaming,, until, the SPIRIT took over and I began to pray in tongues. I lost all sense of time then.
If anyone passed me, it would seem like I was chanting. After all else I have been doing? That isn't so odd to me anymore to think of it that way.
God released me,, and I sat, spent cold and wet on the sands until I just wearily got up. Too tired to shower, I just sat on a towel and went back to my truck, changed clothes and went to bed.
Here I am today.... processing :-)
Was going to take the special workshop this coming Sunday with the Power Flow and LIVE SACRED MUSIC,, but they have called to cancel. That's okay,, I'm overwhelmed now anyway.(see below,, it will still be on my list of things to do once they offer it again. By then, I will have conquered my issues).
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
LIVE SACRED MUSIC POWER FLOW *(very interested)
Exclusive to Yoga Connection in the West Broward area, this popular program features our very own Barbara Sloan and Worldbeat Musician Richard Brookens in a Power Flow class to live sacred music. Richard performs with Bamboo Flutes (from India and China), Native American Indian Flutes, Tablas (drums from India), Udus (clay pots from Africa), and a alineseGong, along with ambient tracks from his original CD's - all combined with a challenging Asana flow utilizing breath, body, voice, sound, mantra, mind and spirit for a total Yoga experience of pure meditation in motion. Instruction and adjustment will be provided so all levels are welcome. This unique program will be offered at Yoga Connection on a monthly/bimonthly basis, so make sure to check our Events Page for dates and times, and join in the newest and most exciting yoga experience in South Florida!
HOT YOGA classes at Yoga Connection are an eclectic blend of Yoga styles combining the vast knowledge, experience and personalities of our amazing staff of Yoga Connection expert instructors. All Hot Yoga classes will be taught in our state of the art heated Yoga studio, and with great detail breaking down the mechanics of all postures.
Attended the Sunday PM “Hot Yoga Groove” class.
This letter is much shorter. I purchased the 10 week package for $160. It makes each class $16 plus a free one. So 11 total. I paid $18 for the morning class.
The Hot Yoga Groove was faster paced. Although, Savanah took time with me and a few other new people to physically touch us to adjust and align us??? She moved very rapidly from one thing to the next.
I was right to think I should get used to the positions, the breathing, the methods, the physical parts of it all before I add the heated sauna part. It felt great and did provide a deeper release, but it was a bit much as out of shape as I am.
As before, I was the only fat person. Everyone else, male/female, new/experienced. young/old, differing ethnicities, they were all slender and in shape. Sigh...
I know I didn't get this way in a day, or wasn't born this way. It will take time and a process to undo the damage I have exacted on my body through neglect, misuse, injury, and abuse.
Savanah is young (mid 20”s). The music was kind of Enigma or Enya style, still not what I hoped for “work out music”. All it did was set the pace higher, faster for the Yoga poses themselves. Very advanced stretches.
I struggled with the heat factor, and thought a few times I would actually throw up, ugh.
I TRIUMPHED BY NOT GETTING SICK AND BY NOT LEAVING THE ROOM THOUGH!! Even Savanah remarked she was surprised I stayed the entire 90 minutes, struggling even as I did. I did the work as best I could, allowing for newness, previous class and the foreign soreness in newly challenged muscles (LOL), the heat, etc.
A COURSE IN MIRACLES!!! Savanah read from their workbook 5-10 times, including during the meditative section of time at the end of class!! She often read it to us as we held or moved through stretches (I know there's a word for the that “FLOW” but don't know what it is???)
She also did that whole shaking her hands thing to flick off bad energy that Rilla did when she massaged me. IT is cracking me up how a month ago I didnt hear of ANY OF THIS and also only just told you about Rilla's holistic movements... and to be just inundated with it now is a lot of confirmation and establishing in my SPIRITUAL walk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hope I am doing okay and not in any harm??? Whew,,, a lot of TRUST going on here! Just because I am questioning??? I am not rejecting, obviously,,, since I am still going forward into new realms of Possibility.
That's all for Class #2. I may not go back right away. Let me get a firm basic foundation first.
Also, only baby steps in ACIM for me. It is tormenting me spiritually.
It was too late to shower and go to church at POCC. I was pretty OVERLOADED and OVERWHELMED by now anyway. Not sure I could allow more into me??
So I drove to the ocean, parked at the hotel where I stayed for Thanksgiving,, and went onto the deserted beach. It was raining, but I figured, I was already wringing wet anyway, and the sand is always invasive. I planned to shower at the beach before going back to my truck.
For an hour and half,, I sat just 10 feet from the water,,, heavy clouds, sporadic rain, no moon, lots of stars and watched the cruise ships go out. I cried ALOT!!!!!
I prayed some,, I sat there, stretched, then in a hugging pose, and rocked back and forth for an interminable amount of time,,, tears streaming,, until, the SPIRIT took over and I began to pray in tongues. I lost all sense of time then.
If anyone passed me, it would seem like I was chanting. After all else I have been doing? That isn't so odd to me anymore to think of it that way.
God released me,, and I sat, spent cold and wet on the sands until I just wearily got up. Too tired to shower, I just sat on a towel and went back to my truck, changed clothes and went to bed.
Here I am today.... processing :-)
Was going to take the special workshop this coming Sunday with the Power Flow and LIVE SACRED MUSIC,, but they have called to cancel. That's okay,, I'm overwhelmed now anyway.(see below,, it will still be on my list of things to do once they offer it again. By then, I will have conquered my issues).
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
LIVE SACRED MUSIC POWER FLOW *(very interested)
Exclusive to Yoga Connection in the West Broward area, this popular program features our very own Barbara Sloan and Worldbeat Musician Richard Brookens in a Power Flow class to live sacred music. Richard performs with Bamboo Flutes (from India and China), Native American Indian Flutes, Tablas (drums from India), Udus (clay pots from Africa), and a alineseGong, along with ambient tracks from his original CD's - all combined with a challenging Asana flow utilizing breath, body, voice, sound, mantra, mind and spirit for a total Yoga experience of pure meditation in motion. Instruction and adjustment will be provided so all levels are welcome. This unique program will be offered at Yoga Connection on a monthly/bimonthly basis, so make sure to check our Events Page for dates and times, and join in the newest and most exciting yoga experience in South Florida!
Yoga Class #1 "SIVANANDA YOGA " This Past Sunday
SIVANANDA YOGA
SIVANANDA YOGA offers a meditative approach through a series of Asanas, Pranyama (breathing), Meditation and Deep Relaxation, working systematically on the body, stretching and relaxing muscles, joints and ligaments, creating a more flexible spine and improving circulation. Sivananda Yoga is one of the most classic forms of Yoga created in 1935 in India by its founder doctor Sri Swami Sivananda who encouraged all students to embrace a healthy lifestyle by combining the following five basic principles of the ancient wisdom of Yoga: proper diet, positive thinking and meditation, relaxation, breathing and Asanas.
I chose this class by reading the offerings in the time slots. I went to the studio, explained I was first time and asked recommendations. It makes sense to build up with basics and to do so in the regular studio. Get used to Yoga in general then add the HEAT factor as an advanced maneuver.
I had taken classes in 2006, at the Wellness Center in Leesburg. At that time in my life though, I was also involved with my fitness trainer, and the core group of us that worked out 4-6 hours a day with weights, cardio, dancing, swimming, both as group and individuals played too hard to slow down for this type of exercise, lol. Even our weight lifting was done to vibrant Classic Rock!! Good times!!!
Therefore, I went at Yoga from a fresh frame of mind. My health is VERY different now. My lifestyle is very sedentary, unguided and unhealthy. My mental, emotional, spiritual state is currently very open and very much seeking.
The description sounds like a good introduction. With the right guidance, I can be exposed to many new things and take them in at my own pace.
A big note here: * I did NOT disclose my illness to the Yoga Connection at all! In Class #2 she asked if I had any injuries she needed to be aware of? The answer is “no”. All of my injuries are old, and incorporated into who I am now. My illness does not transfer and I did not want to take it easy because of it. I am hoping to open my mind, body, spirit up and let the disease GO FORTH and leave me entirely, so I am NOT WILLING to give it voice or credence now.
CLASS: The instructor, Angela, is 84 years old. She has been Yoga instructor 45 years! She is almost completely deaf (2 hearing aids), but her speaking voice is extra soft and measured, with a hint of a Spanish lilt to it. I loved her and bonded spiritually with her instantly!!
It is important to note that I spent ALL of my life, my ENTIRE life *HIDING the “sounds” of my breath. Purely in self-defense, from a toddler on, I learned to hide my breathing. Pretend to be asleep. Pretend to be okay with my surroundings. Throughout my life, if I made noise, even as simple as inhale, exhale? I was discovered. That would cause me to be beaten. Raped. Sexually assaulted. Or forced against my will to do any number of things. From a child to just last year 2009, this was a reality in my life. Play possum.
Let me say that the downloaded materials I have on Guided Meditation and things I have read in a variety of books regarding “breath” have been very difficult for me to process. When told to “pay attention to the sounds of your breath” I noticed I was still clenching to subdue the “SOUND”. I honestly hope Yoga, meditation, prayers, etc will give me release and peace from this and heal my fears now that I no longer have to fear for my safety??
So in class,, things like “FIRE Breathing”, even forced exhale caused great physiological pain and response to me. I worked very hard to not give into hysteria that bubbled to my fore.
This hindered some of my ability to RELAX and to fully EXPERIENCE the Yoga and meditation.
HOWEVER, I did NOT run out of the room, or submit to any of my fearful reactions. Just by staying and facing my fears I TRIUMPHED.
We stretched and posed about 15 minutes or so. The lights dim, the music was a steady OHM, maybe 12 WOMEN (important note there) in the room. Angela had asked me to be in front near her to watch each other. She suggested I keep my eyes open. Here we are, 15 minutes in and without breaking stride, Angela says, “We haven't begun the Yoga yet”. OMW! All of us got a muted chuckle out of that one!! Everything was spoken and done reverently. I was sensitive to and appreciate the spiritual release and openness in the studio and participants.
Angela is a “toucher”. Which is cool by me. I am very affectionate- both appreciate giving and receiving touch. It was a bit of an adjustment of my safety response and attitude, though, to be allowing of a stranger to touch me when I was stretched into some very vulnerable and open positions. It felt a lot like when you streeeeetch your arms to yawn and someone gooses you in the ribs??? You get a startle reflex. Just saying. But again, I didn't let it show, at least not that I know of :) She corrected my position, posture, pushed my stretch as she's supposed to do.
I was the only fat person in the entire studio all day. The women in class #1 were all very skinny, and very experienced/flexible. Several of them seemed unhealthy skinny,, like their skin hung in wrinkles and flapped. They were friendly but shallow. Yuppy.
Made me feel like crying. But I didn't. I didn't understand that at all? Even though I read it.
One time in her touching me to align my posture or pose, she remarked under her breath “oh, she is so HOT”. So, even without me telling her I am sick, she noticed the fever. She also told me at least twice to plan on a hot bath, “or you won't be able to move tomorrow”. LOL.
The classes are 90 minutes. No clock. I was imitating others in the room. At some point, everyone familiar with the routine Angela has, lay on their backs, and some put their hand towels over their eyes. Angela dimmed the lights even further. I did not think it possible, but her voice modulated even more soft, and mystic. SO!!! This was a HIGHLIGHT I had HOPED and been waiting for!!! She WAS going to do a meditation as part of the class!! YES!!!
I was all for this!!! And it went GREAT! It was a combination of all I had read, heard on audio, and tried in my own stumbling, seeking way. To do it with a room full of people, believers?? All tuning in?? was like a dream coming true!! I was EXCITED!!
*BUT!,,, I noted earlier there were only females in the class??? This became very HUGE issue right now! If you have never been hurt by another?? You may not be able to relate to what I type next. AS much as I WANTED to relax and participate in the MEDITATION????
It was very SCARY!!! All of a sudden,, the sounds of breathing, every rustle was exaggerated. Do you have even an INKLING of the EXTREME TRUST to allow myself to not only close my eyes, but to COVER my face???? To lay flat out,, hands to my side,, all the things I YEARN to do in my truck (it's one thing I LOVE about the altars at POCC... laying prostrate).
To trust 13 strangers in a dark, quiet spiritually- charged room????
My body's response was hysteria and nausea. It is SUPREME SELF-WILL to continue to lie there. I could hear Angela padding about in the room,,, follow her voice as she “guided” the meditation. But, I am revealing to you right now: I also “felt” pressure on my biceps, my vulnerable arms, pinning me to the ground as if by a man. At one point, I FELT Joe's knee in my sternum as the pressure pushed and pushed until my bone broke.
How terrifying!!!
BUT!!!!!!!! I did not get up,, I didn't even move the towel and open my eyes or look around. I FORCED myself to lay there. To feel all of these things. To experience and BE THERE with them.
AND LET THEM GO!
I focused on my breathing, and on Angela. She actually stopped walking or speaking for awhile,, and that was a new level of scary as my Mind Monster is screaming “WHERE IS SHE? IS IT SAFE?”
Very frustrated at myself that something I looked forward to for weeks, finally arrives as an unexpected gift, and I disappointed MYSELF with my fears, tension, and responses.
The only positive here is that I didn't quit or leave or give in to the madness. I take VICTORY and solace from that.
In the Yoga she did “Fire Breathing” and also right before the meditation part she led us through inhale one nostril, exhale through the other, then switch by using our finger to close one side,, and then also to alternate nostrils with out holding one side closed. Angela offered to teach me one on one outside the studio after class. So we did. She spent an extra 15 min or so with me. Very nice of her to do. As I said, there is a bond and natural spiritual connection between us.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Okay, this concludes class #1. They have showers there. I cleaned up, got dressed up, and drove to POCC after all. I got into service just as they were calling people to come to the front that want prayer. So I missed Sunday school and all the praise singing of AM service.
Usually, it is customary, if someone wants to be anointed with oil and prayed over by the laying on of hands by the ministry? When he reads the Prayer Request list, he invites anyone who desires to come to the front.
I was in the 2nd pew from the front, NOT in line. I saw the Israeli minister when she picked up the oil vial, and moved off the platform. I somehow knew she was heading to me. Although, that is out of context.
Sure enough, she comes out of line to me directly. I go ahead and surrender, raising my hands. As conflicted right now as I am spiritually??
If God is choosing to speak to me through this Prophetess or by anointing? I am receiving.
After anointing my forehead with oil, she began to speak to my emotions, “Even as she bites it back now, Lord” (I was biting the inside of my cheek to not break down and cry).
“LORD this sadness in her Spirit I command it to be released and ask you to speak to her to guide her...”
I'm not sure what all else she said.. I got hung up there... although,, was unable to “break through”.
Kinda of odd, I guess if someone is unfamiliar with the Pentecostal or Apostolic way of ministering?? I submitted to her Authority as to KINGDOM AUTHORITY,, because I recognize it. It is much the same as when God moves on me to lay hands on another person and gives me Word Of Knowledge, Word of Healing, Word of Discernment etc.....
I am not sure if anything moved in heaven and earth on my behalf?? But given where I am??
I accept God's SOVEREIGN rule in my life and submit to HIM fully.
Okay, this ends this letter.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
SIVANANDA YOGA offers a meditative approach through a series of Asanas, Pranyama (breathing), Meditation and Deep Relaxation, working systematically on the body, stretching and relaxing muscles, joints and ligaments, creating a more flexible spine and improving circulation. Sivananda Yoga is one of the most classic forms of Yoga created in 1935 in India by its founder doctor Sri Swami Sivananda who encouraged all students to embrace a healthy lifestyle by combining the following five basic principles of the ancient wisdom of Yoga: proper diet, positive thinking and meditation, relaxation, breathing and Asanas.
I chose this class by reading the offerings in the time slots. I went to the studio, explained I was first time and asked recommendations. It makes sense to build up with basics and to do so in the regular studio. Get used to Yoga in general then add the HEAT factor as an advanced maneuver.
I had taken classes in 2006, at the Wellness Center in Leesburg. At that time in my life though, I was also involved with my fitness trainer, and the core group of us that worked out 4-6 hours a day with weights, cardio, dancing, swimming, both as group and individuals played too hard to slow down for this type of exercise, lol. Even our weight lifting was done to vibrant Classic Rock!! Good times!!!
Therefore, I went at Yoga from a fresh frame of mind. My health is VERY different now. My lifestyle is very sedentary, unguided and unhealthy. My mental, emotional, spiritual state is currently very open and very much seeking.
The description sounds like a good introduction. With the right guidance, I can be exposed to many new things and take them in at my own pace.
A big note here: * I did NOT disclose my illness to the Yoga Connection at all! In Class #2 she asked if I had any injuries she needed to be aware of? The answer is “no”. All of my injuries are old, and incorporated into who I am now. My illness does not transfer and I did not want to take it easy because of it. I am hoping to open my mind, body, spirit up and let the disease GO FORTH and leave me entirely, so I am NOT WILLING to give it voice or credence now.
CLASS: The instructor, Angela, is 84 years old. She has been Yoga instructor 45 years! She is almost completely deaf (2 hearing aids), but her speaking voice is extra soft and measured, with a hint of a Spanish lilt to it. I loved her and bonded spiritually with her instantly!!
It is important to note that I spent ALL of my life, my ENTIRE life *HIDING the “sounds” of my breath. Purely in self-defense, from a toddler on, I learned to hide my breathing. Pretend to be asleep. Pretend to be okay with my surroundings. Throughout my life, if I made noise, even as simple as inhale, exhale? I was discovered. That would cause me to be beaten. Raped. Sexually assaulted. Or forced against my will to do any number of things. From a child to just last year 2009, this was a reality in my life. Play possum.
Let me say that the downloaded materials I have on Guided Meditation and things I have read in a variety of books regarding “breath” have been very difficult for me to process. When told to “pay attention to the sounds of your breath” I noticed I was still clenching to subdue the “SOUND”. I honestly hope Yoga, meditation, prayers, etc will give me release and peace from this and heal my fears now that I no longer have to fear for my safety??
So in class,, things like “FIRE Breathing”, even forced exhale caused great physiological pain and response to me. I worked very hard to not give into hysteria that bubbled to my fore.
This hindered some of my ability to RELAX and to fully EXPERIENCE the Yoga and meditation.
HOWEVER, I did NOT run out of the room, or submit to any of my fearful reactions. Just by staying and facing my fears I TRIUMPHED.
We stretched and posed about 15 minutes or so. The lights dim, the music was a steady OHM, maybe 12 WOMEN (important note there) in the room. Angela had asked me to be in front near her to watch each other. She suggested I keep my eyes open. Here we are, 15 minutes in and without breaking stride, Angela says, “We haven't begun the Yoga yet”. OMW! All of us got a muted chuckle out of that one!! Everything was spoken and done reverently. I was sensitive to and appreciate the spiritual release and openness in the studio and participants.
Angela is a “toucher”. Which is cool by me. I am very affectionate- both appreciate giving and receiving touch. It was a bit of an adjustment of my safety response and attitude, though, to be allowing of a stranger to touch me when I was stretched into some very vulnerable and open positions. It felt a lot like when you streeeeetch your arms to yawn and someone gooses you in the ribs??? You get a startle reflex. Just saying. But again, I didn't let it show, at least not that I know of :) She corrected my position, posture, pushed my stretch as she's supposed to do.
I was the only fat person in the entire studio all day. The women in class #1 were all very skinny, and very experienced/flexible. Several of them seemed unhealthy skinny,, like their skin hung in wrinkles and flapped. They were friendly but shallow. Yuppy.
Made me feel like crying. But I didn't. I didn't understand that at all? Even though I read it.
One time in her touching me to align my posture or pose, she remarked under her breath “oh, she is so HOT”. So, even without me telling her I am sick, she noticed the fever. She also told me at least twice to plan on a hot bath, “or you won't be able to move tomorrow”. LOL.
The classes are 90 minutes. No clock. I was imitating others in the room. At some point, everyone familiar with the routine Angela has, lay on their backs, and some put their hand towels over their eyes. Angela dimmed the lights even further. I did not think it possible, but her voice modulated even more soft, and mystic. SO!!! This was a HIGHLIGHT I had HOPED and been waiting for!!! She WAS going to do a meditation as part of the class!! YES!!!
I was all for this!!! And it went GREAT! It was a combination of all I had read, heard on audio, and tried in my own stumbling, seeking way. To do it with a room full of people, believers?? All tuning in?? was like a dream coming true!! I was EXCITED!!
*BUT!,,, I noted earlier there were only females in the class??? This became very HUGE issue right now! If you have never been hurt by another?? You may not be able to relate to what I type next. AS much as I WANTED to relax and participate in the MEDITATION????
It was very SCARY!!! All of a sudden,, the sounds of breathing, every rustle was exaggerated. Do you have even an INKLING of the EXTREME TRUST to allow myself to not only close my eyes, but to COVER my face???? To lay flat out,, hands to my side,, all the things I YEARN to do in my truck (it's one thing I LOVE about the altars at POCC... laying prostrate).
To trust 13 strangers in a dark, quiet spiritually- charged room????
My body's response was hysteria and nausea. It is SUPREME SELF-WILL to continue to lie there. I could hear Angela padding about in the room,,, follow her voice as she “guided” the meditation. But, I am revealing to you right now: I also “felt” pressure on my biceps, my vulnerable arms, pinning me to the ground as if by a man. At one point, I FELT Joe's knee in my sternum as the pressure pushed and pushed until my bone broke.
How terrifying!!!
BUT!!!!!!!! I did not get up,, I didn't even move the towel and open my eyes or look around. I FORCED myself to lay there. To feel all of these things. To experience and BE THERE with them.
AND LET THEM GO!
I focused on my breathing, and on Angela. She actually stopped walking or speaking for awhile,, and that was a new level of scary as my Mind Monster is screaming “WHERE IS SHE? IS IT SAFE?”
Very frustrated at myself that something I looked forward to for weeks, finally arrives as an unexpected gift, and I disappointed MYSELF with my fears, tension, and responses.
The only positive here is that I didn't quit or leave or give in to the madness. I take VICTORY and solace from that.
In the Yoga she did “Fire Breathing” and also right before the meditation part she led us through inhale one nostril, exhale through the other, then switch by using our finger to close one side,, and then also to alternate nostrils with out holding one side closed. Angela offered to teach me one on one outside the studio after class. So we did. She spent an extra 15 min or so with me. Very nice of her to do. As I said, there is a bond and natural spiritual connection between us.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Okay, this concludes class #1. They have showers there. I cleaned up, got dressed up, and drove to POCC after all. I got into service just as they were calling people to come to the front that want prayer. So I missed Sunday school and all the praise singing of AM service.
Usually, it is customary, if someone wants to be anointed with oil and prayed over by the laying on of hands by the ministry? When he reads the Prayer Request list, he invites anyone who desires to come to the front.
I was in the 2nd pew from the front, NOT in line. I saw the Israeli minister when she picked up the oil vial, and moved off the platform. I somehow knew she was heading to me. Although, that is out of context.
Sure enough, she comes out of line to me directly. I go ahead and surrender, raising my hands. As conflicted right now as I am spiritually??
If God is choosing to speak to me through this Prophetess or by anointing? I am receiving.
After anointing my forehead with oil, she began to speak to my emotions, “Even as she bites it back now, Lord” (I was biting the inside of my cheek to not break down and cry).
“LORD this sadness in her Spirit I command it to be released and ask you to speak to her to guide her...”
I'm not sure what all else she said.. I got hung up there... although,, was unable to “break through”.
Kinda of odd, I guess if someone is unfamiliar with the Pentecostal or Apostolic way of ministering?? I submitted to her Authority as to KINGDOM AUTHORITY,, because I recognize it. It is much the same as when God moves on me to lay hands on another person and gives me Word Of Knowledge, Word of Healing, Word of Discernment etc.....
I am not sure if anything moved in heaven and earth on my behalf?? But given where I am??
I accept God's SOVEREIGN rule in my life and submit to HIM fully.
Okay, this ends this letter.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Not Much Of A Torrent After All
Does anybody notice when a pebble skims into the river?
Or the dead body floating downstream?
Or the dead body floating downstream?
Just in the few minutes it took me to drive from Weston Publix to where I swap my car in Sunrise,and get back into my truck to sleep, I have run out of steam. Depressing,, I bought portions "for one"... maybe 16 oz of milk? 10 oz of meat? Happy they have a great organic section. Fresh bottle of Bragg's ACV,,, I also got lemon juice earlier today(drink it plain), fresh fruits, new supply of sour milk to chill and eat, I mean, yougart,,,and a few specific targetted herbal teas.... Drove by my most recent old apartment in Weston. I'm sure it has new tenants by now. I have been living in my truck since August. Thinking of my old roommate..
Now, I'm left with just disjointed fragments of the thoughts and pain I am in today..... no one knows just how shattered and broken I am inside. I do believe it is a good place to be.. if I can just see the course,, and let God do the work he is so dilegently pursuing.
BUT OH MY GOD I HURT inside,, and with ALL MY BEING I WANT TO STOP THE PAIN...even if it means circumventing the "PROCESS" I am just so sore, and so wore out,, ,, I have literally cried all day,, from the beginning before dawn until this very minute. So glad computer screens do not get run marks... Even in midday when I had to take the load on to Miami??? I cried then too. Most of it was weeping and anguish of deepest soul and heart.
I know why,,, I know what is up... I know what is going on.... I am just powerless to stem the tide or change the current. I MUST ALLOW THIS SEASON ,,, for it has a lesson in it for me...but I HURT,,, and sooo glad no one reads this.... it's the Good- Bye note no one ever finds, when the person takes their ink written notepaper and tucks it into their pocket before jumping off a towering bridge into the frigid churning black waters below...
Several snapshots of today,,,, D,, bless her,,, imitating me.... she tried so hard,,, she only made me cry harder when she put her hand on my forehead to pray,, like i do to her. She was at a loss,,, kinda cute, kept rubbing my back like I was one of the kids with a tummy ache,,, kept telling me to not "blame myself" ,,,
((You gotta love Pentecostals in the altar,,, often times there's one person on each side ... one yells "HOLD ON!!" and in the other ear one yells "TURN LOOSE"....)) done messed up that dude inside.
I always get cracked up and FRUSTRATED when well-meaning people THINK they know why I am in travail,, and say things like "stop beating your self up" or whatever,,
STOP JUDGING ME, DAMNIT!!!!
Ever think??? Maybe my ANGUISH ISN'T EVEN ** ABOUT ME** ????
So here's precious D,, telling me we should go out to eat,, even if I have to go to work, I gotta get food first,,, she was clutching at straws,,, GOD DID NOT ENLIGHTEN HER ,,, and I could not,, ,WOULD NOT tell her any specific thing to agree in prayer with me on.... God tells me what to pray for others,,, She tried,,, and I appreciate her for it, even while wishing she would move on. She even followed me to the ladies room,, I had cried so hard I was trying not to be sick,, and well,, just " Bless her LORD,,, Open her to the potential you have for her".Even in my own hurt, I worried she was taking my aloofness as personal rejection of her?? God I don't want to hurt another,,, but I didn't have it in me to play a role today. Forgive me?
And R A.,, with the beautiful glory of hair,,, she was worried,, she sat silent,, the best way to be at a time like I was in.... I SCARED HER TOO... she left,, when she came back she had brought me a plastic glass of cold water,,, I looked at it,, grateful,, but knew I was shaking too hard,, I sighed i couldn't hold it,, and OMG R held the glass of water to my lips for me to drink of it,, to settle down... I felt like a child...
I do feel that way...
I would have to say the greatest gift of all that was given in person, ,was the older lady saint, C, (IN THE FUSCHIA TOP), she came up beside me with a "shimmy and c'mere girl" approach,,
but I have wanted to be held ,,, i have been soo alone,, and I do not have love with my own mother,,, C held me "just right'.... and even when I pulled away,, probably 4 or 5 times,, I had no strength... and she stayed by by side,, I kept laying my head on her bosom...Wracked with fresh sobs and torments...
My thin strand of self-control was almost snapped asunder when C placed her hand on my heart and began to pray in the Holy Ghost over my heart. She got the "closest" to the "right" need today... She asked me "who has broken your heart?" as if she wanted the juicy gossip as if I were going to say I had been with a man or something. She wasn't close at all then, lol.
"Nurturing" hold.... OH,,, how i wish i had that with my own mom... a surrogate will do.. at Publix I have bought C a thank you card,,, and will leave it at the church office for her on Monday.
I know,, I believe,, I receive that a few specific people prayed for me,,, were concerned, but chose to stay apart, and pray from a distance. They are the PERCEPTIVE ones,, the ones that GOD directs and gives the words to pray when I can not,,, not every thing has to be "laying on of hands",, although,, open to whatever God has. Just know?? I recognize there is more of a force and that I was being prayed for. Thank you,,, And forgive me, please, I am sorry I texted so late.
I guess I fully intended to confess here in the privacy of the blog, to open up and really spill my heart,,, my guts are just pulled all out,, eviscerated, ,,but I am weary of it all... and so,, no,, I will not be telling why or what had me crying so much today...
I ccan say, I am not out of the woods yet. I seriously hope GOD really is ALL THOSE "OMNI'S" that we teach,, becasue I am in my truck alone and still broken.
Flat tire on my car when I got here to switch up at 10:30am and get to church,, and it was flat again when I came back after delivering in Miami at 5:30pm this afternoon. Added a "large car" can size of Fix-A-Flat,,, and still had to add 20 psi of air. I don;t have money to replace it,, and am not here on weekdays to get it done. So,, It will sit here in Sunrise seeping out all week,, and next Saturday,, for the 3rd time in a row, I will ahve to add Fix A Flat jsut to get to church.
all talked out,, got soft jazz playing,, ate a little something jsut so i could take my meds...176/ 104 ( almost low for me, lol) pulse at 92... Options of ways to lower all of the races... ok.
Today while grocery shopping in Miami Wal-Mart, I bought blank index cards, loose leaf notebook paper and folders. I already began 2 new journals lately and was using one of them with the "exercises". Count me IN, though, so I assembled the tools suggested.
its been a long life, I'm going to lay down.. AND PRAY i dont awaken screaming... that is getting really REALLY OLD!
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
both photos included in complete Picasa Web albums for further viewing of associated photographs.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Map? I Don't Need No Stinking Map
Okay,, that was said with humor and bewilderment. It is jibing at how men won't stop and ask for directions,, but women will, supposedly because they don't know how to fold the map back on itself.
Also, I am out of my region. I am in Springfield, MO and part of me was EXCITED to travel old, familiar roads. Today was a trip with old friends & landmarks, in new, dynamic seasons. The other part of me is wondering what am I doing here? As a "regional" driver, I get paid less per mile than a "systems" driver,, so I am cheap labor. That plays into the pounding ponder in my head of going OTR again. Waiting until the Spring of course!!! I have zero desire to get stuck in a blizzard for days with a pee cup and dry Ramen noodles.
So much is tumbling across the pallette of my mind, that I can scarcely "free-type" it fast enough. In that arena I am "all over the map" too. Between pen, paper, books in my hands,,,, and electronic media opening doors and windows I never knew existed??? I am a mess,,, in a good way, I think?
Raw,, OMG I am sooo raw these days. Very up and down,,, very extremely tired of being sick in my body... and seeing the correlation of my state of mind and body is only twisting things more up in knots.
I stopped going to my "usual" doctors,,, I declare mutiny on medicines, ESPECIALLY INJECTIONS that make me sicker than they help,,, and the injections have to just wear off,,,
Experimenting with all kinds of combinations of herbs, vitamins, supplements, various teas and drinks, all while still very IN NEED OF SERIOUS PAIN RELIEF!!! The pain is the same on the inj meds or off,, but I am going CRAZY with need for relief! I am ready to try most anything. I have even been eating and drinking things that up until this point I disavowed.
Take ACV,,, WHY would I willingly drink something that comes out of my body as sweat etc and makes me smell like an apple flavored Easter egg??? I don't even have the dog here to blame! LOL.
Or eat spoiled milk products ON PURPOSE???? C'mon are you kidding me? How about tomatoes?? Do you get the same healthy benefit if you swallow it whole??? Because one of them made me gag, so I cut it in half and I REALLY hated the tomatoe giz then!! That is just SOOOOO gross!!
but,, I want to be healed in my body.
Then there's the whole "mind" thing... which is hurting, thumping btw. I have read & heard some things that are SOOOO FAR from my (probably) narrow,,,, limited thinking sphere???? That is just rocking my world.
Curiouser and curiouser,, I am finding that one click on the Information SuperHighway yields a HOST of OPTIONS for more,, and eventually,, you get to a place where the terms are starting to appear in each other's articles,,
I'm a big person on "CONFIRMATION" soooooo "out of the mouths of 2 or 3 (or more) let every word be established".
The challenge for me is to stay "ME" while BECOMING WHO I AM MEANT TO BE.
Whew,, State Farm ain't never gonna believe this....
============================================================
Experiencing nightmares again, I am putting off going to bed. Just realized though, I also forgot to eat supper... so I ended up just now going into the C-store and spending $3.50 on a sandwhich that I really didn't want. Must have food for my meds though.
The concept of screaming for release is not a new one to me. In the early 1990's my husband and I participated in a 16 week, 4 weekend INTENSIVE Marriage Retreat situation. One weekend we did the "Haircut" and the "Vesuvius",,, and pounded pillows with plastic bats. I adapted that to me personally and I go to the golf driving range,, or in times of DIRE DISTRESS to the batting cages,,, SWINGING FOR THE FENCE 200 times in a row kinda unkinks my emotional knots as well. Also,, at least once, I took an axe to a fence post,,,,
Another weekend session we "Bonded" - Taking turns in the Hotseat in the center of the circle and began to say,, then yell, then to SCREAM "I need,, I Need,,,, I NEed..... I NEED,,, I NEEEEEDDD " until something very PRIMAL snapped inside our gizzards and all of a sudden some STRANGER poured from our guts and we began to cry out all sorts of things...
Funny,,, it brought EVERYONE to an INTENSE BONDING *except my husband. He held himself aloof. He was the last to go,, and did it out of a rebellious attitiude,, and when his "cry" came out it was still controlled and accusatory to me and just tore me into a million MORE fragments than I already was....
Another session we practiced actual physical holds,, the "Nurturing" hold,, the "Bonding" hold.. and more,, I guess. I have experienced those from Pastor Hattabaugh more in 2 1/2 years than I ever have in my entire 42 years!!!!!!!!!!!!
But here I am tonight, dreading sleep and nightmares,,, the screaming that rocked the house this morning. Worried that I have been screaming in my truck ,,,, or WORSE<, what if I have been screaming at people's houses????? OOh boy!
Thinking of rudimentary meditation ideas,,, and between the TWO suggested EXERCISES (screaming or meditating) ,, I think that meditating is the one I will go with before bedtime. I already do something along those lines that is RIGHT FOR ME... so this will just be an adaptation,, until I can learn how to do it by the book.
I have what I call a "Prayer Rug",,,, which for me,, it is a soft, plush high pile bath rug that I keep rolled up and put away. I only bring it out SPECIFICALLY when I want to get barefoot, and SIT ON THE FLOOR of my home/truck,,,, It provides a clean environment,, but it is also a signal to my brain and soul that I am engaging in something SPECIAL.
During times of sitting, subjecting myself etc on my Prayer Rug,, I often end up kneeling,, or VERY OFTEN completely prostrate and in UTTER SUBJECTION to the GOD that is moving me....communicating.... concentrating....
Times of being LOST in HIM,,, when I can actually RELAX and let my mind, my heart, my thoughts, my emotions,,LET IT ALL GO,,, and it even let's my body sag and go LIMP,,, sends me to another dimension.
So not sure why?? But to me,, after several exposures to "MEDITATION" through media and conversations??? It seems like it may be an extension of something I already enjoy and do regularly.
Like when "Free-Writing" was looked up, then explained by a few sources? I am a bit put off that "Meditation" seems to be something I "already do".... a silly pout going on here,,,,
I was hoping it would be A BIG ANSWER???? I am not discounting it,, I am just READY FOR CHANGE!!! If you do the same things you have always done, you get the same results you have always gotten. And those are not working for me anymore.. I NEED RELIEF and HEALING!!
ok,, closing this abruptly... I am tapped tonight. sigh....
Praying for sweet dreams for me and for you as well,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Also, I am out of my region. I am in Springfield, MO and part of me was EXCITED to travel old, familiar roads. Today was a trip with old friends & landmarks, in new, dynamic seasons. The other part of me is wondering what am I doing here? As a "regional" driver, I get paid less per mile than a "systems" driver,, so I am cheap labor. That plays into the pounding ponder in my head of going OTR again. Waiting until the Spring of course!!! I have zero desire to get stuck in a blizzard for days with a pee cup and dry Ramen noodles.
So much is tumbling across the pallette of my mind, that I can scarcely "free-type" it fast enough. In that arena I am "all over the map" too. Between pen, paper, books in my hands,,,, and electronic media opening doors and windows I never knew existed??? I am a mess,,, in a good way, I think?
Raw,, OMG I am sooo raw these days. Very up and down,,, very extremely tired of being sick in my body... and seeing the correlation of my state of mind and body is only twisting things more up in knots.
I stopped going to my "usual" doctors,,, I declare mutiny on medicines, ESPECIALLY INJECTIONS that make me sicker than they help,,, and the injections have to just wear off,,,
Experimenting with all kinds of combinations of herbs, vitamins, supplements, various teas and drinks, all while still very IN NEED OF SERIOUS PAIN RELIEF!!! The pain is the same on the inj meds or off,, but I am going CRAZY with need for relief! I am ready to try most anything. I have even been eating and drinking things that up until this point I disavowed.
Take ACV,,, WHY would I willingly drink something that comes out of my body as sweat etc and makes me smell like an apple flavored Easter egg??? I don't even have the dog here to blame! LOL.
Or eat spoiled milk products ON PURPOSE???? C'mon are you kidding me? How about tomatoes?? Do you get the same healthy benefit if you swallow it whole??? Because one of them made me gag, so I cut it in half and I REALLY hated the tomatoe giz then!! That is just SOOOOO gross!!
but,, I want to be healed in my body.
Then there's the whole "mind" thing... which is hurting, thumping btw. I have read & heard some things that are SOOOO FAR from my (probably) narrow,,,, limited thinking sphere???? That is just rocking my world.
Curiouser and curiouser,, I am finding that one click on the Information SuperHighway yields a HOST of OPTIONS for more,, and eventually,, you get to a place where the terms are starting to appear in each other's articles,,
I'm a big person on "CONFIRMATION" soooooo "out of the mouths of 2 or 3 (or more) let every word be established".
The challenge for me is to stay "ME" while BECOMING WHO I AM MEANT TO BE.
Whew,, State Farm ain't never gonna believe this....
============================================================
Experiencing nightmares again, I am putting off going to bed. Just realized though, I also forgot to eat supper... so I ended up just now going into the C-store and spending $3.50 on a sandwhich that I really didn't want. Must have food for my meds though.
The concept of screaming for release is not a new one to me. In the early 1990's my husband and I participated in a 16 week, 4 weekend INTENSIVE Marriage Retreat situation. One weekend we did the "Haircut" and the "Vesuvius",,, and pounded pillows with plastic bats. I adapted that to me personally and I go to the golf driving range,, or in times of DIRE DISTRESS to the batting cages,,, SWINGING FOR THE FENCE 200 times in a row kinda unkinks my emotional knots as well. Also,, at least once, I took an axe to a fence post,,,,
Another weekend session we "Bonded" - Taking turns in the Hotseat in the center of the circle and began to say,, then yell, then to SCREAM "I need,, I Need,,,, I NEed..... I NEED,,, I NEEEEEDDD " until something very PRIMAL snapped inside our gizzards and all of a sudden some STRANGER poured from our guts and we began to cry out all sorts of things...
Funny,,, it brought EVERYONE to an INTENSE BONDING *except my husband. He held himself aloof. He was the last to go,, and did it out of a rebellious attitiude,, and when his "cry" came out it was still controlled and accusatory to me and just tore me into a million MORE fragments than I already was....
Another session we practiced actual physical holds,, the "Nurturing" hold,, the "Bonding" hold.. and more,, I guess. I have experienced those from Pastor Hattabaugh more in 2 1/2 years than I ever have in my entire 42 years!!!!!!!!!!!!
But here I am tonight, dreading sleep and nightmares,,, the screaming that rocked the house this morning. Worried that I have been screaming in my truck ,,,, or WORSE<, what if I have been screaming at people's houses????? OOh boy!
Thinking of rudimentary meditation ideas,,, and between the TWO suggested EXERCISES (screaming or meditating) ,, I think that meditating is the one I will go with before bedtime. I already do something along those lines that is RIGHT FOR ME... so this will just be an adaptation,, until I can learn how to do it by the book.
I have what I call a "Prayer Rug",,,, which for me,, it is a soft, plush high pile bath rug that I keep rolled up and put away. I only bring it out SPECIFICALLY when I want to get barefoot, and SIT ON THE FLOOR of my home/truck,,,, It provides a clean environment,, but it is also a signal to my brain and soul that I am engaging in something SPECIAL.
During times of sitting, subjecting myself etc on my Prayer Rug,, I often end up kneeling,, or VERY OFTEN completely prostrate and in UTTER SUBJECTION to the GOD that is moving me....communicating.... concentrating....
Times of being LOST in HIM,,, when I can actually RELAX and let my mind, my heart, my thoughts, my emotions,,LET IT ALL GO,,, and it even let's my body sag and go LIMP,,, sends me to another dimension.
So not sure why?? But to me,, after several exposures to "MEDITATION" through media and conversations??? It seems like it may be an extension of something I already enjoy and do regularly.
Like when "Free-Writing" was looked up, then explained by a few sources? I am a bit put off that "Meditation" seems to be something I "already do".... a silly pout going on here,,,,
I was hoping it would be A BIG ANSWER???? I am not discounting it,, I am just READY FOR CHANGE!!! If you do the same things you have always done, you get the same results you have always gotten. And those are not working for me anymore.. I NEED RELIEF and HEALING!!
ok,, closing this abruptly... I am tapped tonight. sigh....
Praying for sweet dreams for me and for you as well,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Friday, October 29, 2010
Tonite I AM.........
*** SIDE NOTE... I know... I KNOW!! I really shouldn't TURN THE FULL HEAT OF MY SMILE onto anyone,,, LOL... couldnt resist though,,,, I fired it up on Sami at Chick-Fil-A.... Poor dude,, DIDNT STAND A CHANCE, lol. He was a stammering mess. HOW FUNNY! I kinda like doing that every now and then,,,, JUST TO MESS WITH PEOPLE! (ROFL)
EXTREMELY.......
VERY EXTREMELY CONFLICTED .....
very - - VERY *VERY* BOUND UP INSIDE....
Feeling a CRUSHING WEIGHT square in my CHEST and CORE BEING!
omw....may HAVE TO DANCE after all ....
when i FINALLY get back to Jax???!!!
i know thats a heavy industrial area....Bet i could find a dark service road and go DANCE my guts out before I BLOW MY BRAINS OUT or screw up somewhere???
FRIDAYS....HEY at leasst I dont have a home.... FRIDAY tends to be "jusst another day"..... that FRIDAY FEELING aint hit me like this since the Perseids.
YIKES!
collateral damage is LIKELY
being "back home"??? i know which radio stations play what,,, and if i cave to an OLD DESTRUCTIVE HABIT OR TWO OR THREE????
IKNOW WHERE I CAN GO AND FIND JUST ABOUT ANYTHING THAT gets me through the night.....
C MON SUNSHINE!!
~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone
EXTREMELY.......
VERY EXTREMELY CONFLICTED .....
very - - VERY *VERY* BOUND UP INSIDE....
Feeling a CRUSHING WEIGHT square in my CHEST and CORE BEING!
omw....may HAVE TO DANCE after all ....
when i FINALLY get back to Jax???!!!
i know thats a heavy industrial area....Bet i could find a dark service road and go DANCE my guts out before I BLOW MY BRAINS OUT or screw up somewhere???
FRIDAYS....HEY at leasst I dont have a home.... FRIDAY tends to be "jusst another day"..... that FRIDAY FEELING aint hit me like this since the Perseids.
YIKES!
collateral damage is LIKELY
being "back home"??? i know which radio stations play what,,, and if i cave to an OLD DESTRUCTIVE HABIT OR TWO OR THREE????
IKNOW WHERE I CAN GO AND FIND JUST ABOUT ANYTHING THAT gets me through the night.....
C MON SUNSHINE!!
~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)