When I Don't Know What To Say...

.... maybe nothing at all is best?  Then, it all just dies with me.

Today was coming at me from all sides. I am winding down with Wayman Tisdale, smooth jazz.  Something not many would understand.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8RtZXFhQ02U&NR=1

JCT/Stevens/ FFE/ HAEI/

JayJ

Out of the blue all approached me today in one form or another.  Of them all?  Yeah. JayJ .... what now. No sanctuary.  It was all just a pretense of safety.

Just as freely as I have experienced love, light, and joy to flow,  the clench in my chest, the remembered pain of the bone there, the mention of his name has closed the door and I am back in the cave of pain and darkness.  The one where silence is my only hope of survival.

Blindsided. Just like old times.

I could ask why now? What does it matter? He is everywhere I go. And still claims me.

Suddenly weary, going straight to bed. 

I wanted to believe.  I really did.

If you can hear me now?

Dallas.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~