This is Day 2 of my being part of the One Fit Widow - QUEST group.
Quest will begin my living a FIT and clean, healthy lifestyle. For me, it will
include not just the physical well-being of exercise and weight loss, but soul
searching into my attitude, mental, emotional, and spiritual man as well. QUEST
and 1FW are a community made of real men and women living real lives in our
current societies with all the challenges, struggles, opportunities, and tools
available to most of us.
Yesterday, I walked about 2 miles. Today, in two different stops,
I estimate 4 miles. Most of my walks will be referred to by myself as
"hikes" because I do not often use roads, sidewalks, and almost
never treadmills. (side note- if a treadmill slings me off? All the studs will
see. If I trip and fall out in the wild? I will see a flower or bug I
might have missed otherwise.)
My happy spot serves so many purposes: to
clear the air and my head, to stretch my legs, exercise, commune and connect
with Nature. Most often they begin with a tentative stroll around
the truck stop until I see a path, trail or wooded area snaking away. So
the terrain, inclines, surfaces, air, scenery and my excitement all stay highly
engaged!
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| The allure of a good trail - trees across a wooded path, signifying no vehicles have passed recently. |
Take this second hike of today for instance. Within leaving US 29
pavement, and going about 100 yards, I could barely hear the road sounds due to
the sharp dip into a valley and the hillside rising up behind me. In another 50
yards, I was smelling pine, hay, water from a pond instead of vehicle exhaust
and human wastes.
I ended up in the woods, past some farmlands watching the birds of
prey swoop in for their meals, leaning my head back and watching cloud animals
carouse in the heavenlies, and could hear the rustle of the ground hog that ran
away from me, the birds chirping, and the wind blowing. All of that is
drowned out in my work and daily life. Yesterday I saw a panther cross in front
of me!
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| When the black top ends, the fun really begins... |
Part of the thoughts I blogged in my head were "That
Confounded Meaning Of Life". Part were my goals. Part was the introduction
I still need to get behind me to 1FW and Quest. Part of it was a bittersweet mix
of ahhhhh and oh! Man! My 5 senses were LOVING me today on my hike. But my mind
was kicking my rear end for how long it has been since I have done these very
things that I so dearly love.
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| I've been feeling like this fence... |
In the title, I quote the state motto "Virginia Is For
Lovers". This has a special meaning to me. When I was in the 7th grade, my
parents took my brother and I on a vacation to the Blue Ridge Parkway,
Appomattox Courthouse, Natural Bridge etc. They signed us out of school for a
week in November to show these Florida kids Autumn colors for the first time.
It was a great trip! Being in 7th grade, I suppose I was just
beginning to notice boys for something other than to play baseball and climb
trees with. At the Natural Bridge, I recall one of the first of those
sharp pangs of physical attraction. He was a tourist, with his girlfriend, and
probably in his 20's. Aiyiyiyiyi. I thought then, "This must be what
VA is for lovers means?"
Virginia is far enough South to still be genteel, make amazing
sweet iced tea, and have moderate weather. They have such a rich and deep vein
of history and heritage. Largely less populated than cities, their rolling
farmlands and mountains preserve the feeling of the Old Days still live here.
To me, Virginia reigns as one of the Top 5 spots in the USA that I have lost my
breath (on more than one occasion) by gasping , "I could so totally see
myself living here!"
It was at the spot where I turned around today that I had an
awareness moment. In September 2010, I discovered my breath, being fully
Present, and mindful. One gift of that year was finding my friend, Mark Edgar
Stephens' book "Who Are You Choosing To Be?" The title says it
all. I had deliberate choice. If I didn't like my attitude, my moment? I
can change it. Create and be the change I wished to see. This was
liberating to me! That year I learned the sheer POWER of taking three
deliberate slow breaths. I went on to learn no judgements, love, gratitude,
forgiveness, letting go of what is no longer serving me, what is possible? And more.
As I stood at the turning point and watched the birds, I
considered laying on the ground, watching the clouds and meditating. But I
opted to stand there, loose, and to execute three deliberate, deep breaths.
Each person will have their own interpretation. For me, I
visualize clean, white, light, healing breath entering me, filling my spaces as
far as I can open to them (usually it gets to my shoulders and gets bogged
down). Then during my exhale, I see a dusty Pigpen cloud of any pain,
disappointments, attitude or tension leaving my body.
Breath #2 I fill the tight places in my body with more
healing, white light....
Breath #3 I say on the inhale "I let go" and upon
exhale, I say "I let God."
Then I usually open my eyes slowly and remain still. The colors are
more vivid, the sounds obscure before, now twitter, and the smells begin to
differentiate into nuances.
However, I could not get to Breath #2. My mind chatter was
off the charts! Racing!!!! It was my weight, my measurements, my
goals, the question that's always hot on my mind of "WHERE DO YOU WANT TO
LIVE?". It was just a churning morass of NOISE in my head during what is
usually my personal Quiet Time and sanity break.
Well then I was mad at myself. What?? You can't even do this for
three breaths? What the #$*@ is wrong with you?! Do it Again!
.... same....
It took a third try, and actually I made myself do it about 5
breaths to see it through....
Then as I began to walk back to my truck, I pondered this.
Fractured. This was an Object Lesson of where my head, heart
and soul is operating currently. Fractured.
My thoughts that are always way too deep, also now run
rampant, nonstop. Lately my prayer and meditation life has been
almost as labored as my 3 breath mindfulness. My sleep and dreams show
signs of being worse for the wear. My enthusiasm for life is still here, but
has a covering of dust on the lenses.
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| Never know what piece of history awaits in the woods... |
Lately, I've had the extreme priviledge of meeting up with
new and old friends in my home area where I park my car,
reconnecting with longtime friends and family from my hometown area, visiting
friends across the USA, and exploring new days with strangers I meet along my
travels. This is a bit of my hesitations - while I look forward to the
community, the support, knowledge, camaraderie and accountability of Quest?
It's a lot to add to my usual solitude. I have been alone so long now, the
noise of so many "voices" of people brushing up against me in a day
on FB, Twitter, in person, in text etc is giving me the heebie jeebies.
LOL (Just keeping it real.)
As I prepared to enter the highway leading back to my truck, I
recalled seeing a pond on my way in. Now the sun was a bit lower, my senses
softened, and I heard the allure of water noises such as frogs, crickets, and
fish popping the surface. A quick stop to the water's edge made something very
clear to me.
When I do find somewhere to live, rent, settle down again? I
don't want to have to get in my car to drive to a place of Nature. In a meteor
shower, I want to be able to simply step onto my porch, as opposed to having to
drive to the beach hoping to escape noise and light pollution. I want to hear
the frogs and crickets through the screens on my open doors and windows. It's
great to go for walks, or drives to these places now. But my heart's desire
would be to already reside there. And this means South Florida or any
other concrete jungle will never truly be HOME to me.
One more "Getting To Know You 101" for now - I know One
Fit Widow began by.... a widow!
There is awesome support and forum for all stages of grief, coping, life,
fitness, health etc. You don't HAVE TO BE A WIDOW to participate or to benefit.
I am NOT a widow. I was married for 15 years. Divorced over
14 years now.
2001-2004 my girls and I met and spent wonderful time with someone
we truly loved. I have to be honest and say he was the love of my life.
It was the RIGHT love, at the WRONG time.
Although, I have dated and had many friends and opportunities
since the end of that particular relationship in Sept. 2004? It can be
said that my heart has just not been in it again.
At this point, I have made peace with the silence, put a stuffed
lion in the Empty Chair, and would absolutely prefer a new dog in my life than
a new human!!!! Again, wry laugh, just keeping it real!
I have a GREAT life! Actually living my dream, following my
passions, loving people - friends, family, and strangers, ticking items off my
"Living List" one by one, and having a ball out here hiking and
exploring.
Success in QUEST and a fit life will give me strength and energy
in body and character to continue with such quality and zeal!
I've enjoyed blogging again after that ringing silence of a year
or more. Anyone new to the blog, FB, my life or Journey is welcome to
fish around. The blog began in Oct. 2010. Just a heads up, the blog was used as
my PROCESS and is NOT always Inspirational or Positive. But it's a
pretty accurate graph of the last few years as I BECAME who I am today.
If you read in? Feel free to connect somehow and let me know what you
think.
Ready to call it a night. It's been cathartic to write again, just
as hiking and deliberately breathing was a welcome back to familiar segments of
the jumble that is ME.
Looking behind to learn the lesson.
Looking today to seize the moment.
Looking ahead with joyful anticipation.
Let's do this thing!
~Jan~
Janet M. Olsen
