Have you ever been drawn to follow a bird, a butterfly, or the sounds of the woods until you are IN the forest? The noises and movement that attracted you becomes eerily still.
Do you wait, stand still, and simply breathe in and out?
Perhaps you BECOME a part of the forest, and one by one, nature entrusts you with her glory and she begins moving, breathing, singing again in and around you.
Today, I entrusted a friend of mine with a letter that was long in coming. I began to "write" and all of the recent anxieties that grip my heart and throat poured out in a rush! I wrote in a safe place, to a safe friend. This reminds me some of prayers to God. In my case, my personal cross that I bear and submit daily is my driving reliance on SELF - self-motivation, self-determination, self-provision, and so on.
People like to mention the good things they see in me such as the Light (of God), my bounce and joy (of God) and my strength,,,, ut oh, too often that strength is "of Jan". I end up bearing way more of the burden of this crazy life than I was ever designed to do.
My health, sleep, attitude, and spiritual life is drained by this SELF problem.
Funny, I didn't really write about SELF to my friend. He already knows me, and knows my issues and inner struggles. No, today, I released the angst that bound me in knots lately. I told him at the end of the letter that I KNEW the weight was lifted, the chokehold burst! Grateful!
I feel like today was a failure or shortcoming, when measured by own critical SELF barometer. I am an agressive and determined person, and as a driver, that is an asset. Yet, today, I allowed personal weakness to stop me short of the goal. I will make the same money on this trip whether it posts this week or next. Usually, I rely on mySELF and I push through any physical, mental, emotional or spiritual pain.
Not today.
Instead, I parked 150 miles early, making it a grossly negligent short day on my job. I felt led to get out of the truck to walk a bit.
That's when I heard IT! The Siren call of the katydids in the wooded rest area! Drawn further into the shadows, the songs of home in Central Florida and my youth rose and surged like the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir. Only this time, it was God's Creation! I stopped just in the path and took first one cleansing breath, then a second, then, closing my eyes, a third, and I BECAME a part of the chorus of breath and pure expression God offered.
I am seeing light ahead of me from a recent battle. It has been detailed and threatened my loved ones and ways I know to move in Life with them.
As for the Butterfly Chaser in me? I remember in Fall 2011, God gave me a gift of a paid, working trip from Florida, all up through New England during the peak of Autumn colors. On I-77 as NC gave way to VA, Maurice and I were talking. This was early in our friendship. I remember telling him "I chose to be very Present and very grateful for today and this trip. If you want to share my joy WITH me, then we can talk along my drive. But if you have need to be negative or to pop my Happy Bubbles? Then we need to hang up and catch later..... we ended up talking later.
There is nothing wrong with either of our approach to a day or to Life. Over our year, I have found we complement each other well and add texture to the facets that make us who we are.
This is where I am in this very Present Moment. Anyone can CHOOSE to get in my bubble and share the gratitude, love, and forgiveness I have towards Life and others,,,, or we can hang up for awhile and see if we reconnect along the way.
You choose.
For now? I am content at becoming ONE with God's creation and experiencing the fullness of his glory again.
Thank you for every prayer, every word, every thought, every shared moment.
I am back.
I am LION, hear me ROAR!
~Janet M. Olsen
~Jan~
ps. as I closed this, another driver came up to me, inviting me to join him and his wife for prayer. PEOPLE- I am at a rest area in rural Tennessee! only GOD feeds the sparrows like that! Only GOD!!!
