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| Appalachian Sunrise |
The need to Process, free write, blow off steam, organize and sort is literally burning with a fire and heavy weight in my chest. The title is not a typo, as I know grammar very well. The lower case "S" in sunset is symbolic and will be revealed soon enough.
One thing that is beautiful in self-awareness, deliberate choice, and accountability is the similararity to God's grace to His children. That is, if you fall down, screw up, lose your way? You CAN choose to dust off, realign and get back up on the horse that threw you. Since 2010, I've learned there is freedom and power in my CHOICE and decisions.
There is a new countdown in the works. Some of my closest friends and family are already "In the Know". To some, I am hiding in plain sight and you still won't "get it". And to some, I am merely waiting until the "I could have had a V8 Moment" pops you on the forehead.
A few facts and the way they affect me on a daily basis - I have been single for most of the past 14 years. There were Chapters where I danced with a partner.... but by and large? On my own. My girls grew up and became strong, independant and wonderful women.... finding their own wings in the world. Freedom comes with a price ~
With my CDL-A in July 2007, I have had adventure, lessons, and opportunities that astound and humble me. A high school drop out, fairly intelligent, drifting, curious, dynamic, I've driven my semi in all 48 states and Canada, get paid to travel, met new people and share Light along the way.
May 2010, I was blessed during May of Miracles at my home church, the Pentecostals Of Cooper City in south Florida with THREE commercial vehicle operator jobs in one day!! After consideration with my pastor, chose Heartland Express. May 2014 was my 4 year service anniversary and it is going stronger all the time! So grateful!!!
By the August of 2010, my lease on my apartment in SoFL ran out, I made the decision that was right for me - put my household into storage and live solely off my semi truck. Low cost, fluid of movement, available to Life and what new adventures it might hold.
The truth is never far from my mind though - - - No job? No semi?? No work??? NO HOME!!!
The part of me that still to this day CRAVES the stability of a home, family, partner... the nesting and nurturing part of the silly smiling girl inside of me? I am stressed and worried every time I turn in my truck to take vacation, every time I make a mistake and fear for my job.... and it makes me stay, even if it's in a rut, a whole lot longer than I might,,, just because I KNOW what a blessing it is to have this roof over my head, climate control, modern features etc.
This next part comes from my heart. If I were to be in person and say it? Some people would "get it". Some would fluff it off. Some would argue. Some would work to meet me in the middle.... so here goes: By choice, by design, and by lifestyle, I am solo. I live alone. Work alone. Have holiday, birthdays, anniversaries alone. I play alone. I explore alone. I worship God alone.... and so on.
It has come to my notice that I have "text message" friendships.
Just in the past two days, I have had more PHONE CALLS, in person meetings over meals and long heart to heart conversations than I did the entire previous month or more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And in the past 2 weeks, I have seen more of my friends in person and spent quality time than I have in MONTHS.
This is a condition of my lifestyle. It is a conscious choice. But it is also not really where I authentically want to be in my life.
In the recent phone chats, I told longtime, faithful friends another truth. I drive 10-11 hours every shift. 500-600 miles a day. All weather, all terrain, all traffic, all times of year.
When I take official Time Off? The *LAST* thing I want to do is trade my semi truck for a car and drive 200 miles or more one way to have dinner with a friend, etc.
YES! Sometimes I do just that! And the blessings outweigh the sacrifice.
But can you see where that may not be very resting, or recharging?
I went from this...
Each and every one of my friends, and strangers along my path are worth every second of the very most pure and best attention I can give them!! God has poured SOOOOOO much into me, and to whom much is given, much is required.
Look at it this way ---- when you first notice a tickle, or scratchy throat? Or an ache, like a low fever. What's the first thing you instinctively do? You change your diet, fluid intake, start pumping up your Immune System, add water and rest, you wash more frequently to ward off disease, and try to back away from others to protect them and to minimize your exposure until you are Top Notch again.
Our bodies, God's Creation is so fearfully and wonderfully made!!!
The same Fight Or Flight is true energetically.
I could stop right there. That last line said it all..... sit with it a minute.....
.... wait for it.....
.... breathe.....
Energetically, I tuck and roll. I have had some of the very WORST mankind can throw at me. And some of the best. In every turn, God has taken my mess and made it into my Message. He's taken every test, and turned it into my Testimony. He's taken everything the enemy meant to harm me, and turned it into my Greater Good. And so, I roll back to my feet, dust off, hide behind blue eyes, grin and move on.
Deliberately.
I have what some people dream of - - -A job I love, a freedom, an income, a happy go lucky lifestyle....
With work? I am often physically exhausted. I get the privilege of working 70 hour weeks. This overlaps day and night shifts in a constant, never ending roll. I don't get to stop the truck to exercise, eat, rest, worship, or even just to walk a few minutes. I've been driving to my limits, pulling over, parking and never even getting out of the truck, I go lay down. Wake up tired and in pain, and start the cycle again. Why?! Yet, you gotta know? ??? I am aware how blessed to have a job at all, and to enjoy it, and make a substantial income is a matter I am FULL of GRATITUDE and running over.
Upon realizing my friendships have become "text message" and impersonal? Brief and random? I also noticed something that weighs me down: As a whole, people talk about what is WRONG in their world. They bust out with the negatives, the things that make them mad, sad, or uncomfortable.
Even though I am exceptionally sunny and optimistic as a person? It's all too easy to fall into the rut of imitating or commiserating. In other words, now I find myself talking about my aches, my pains, my stresses... it comes out in conversations like this, "Oh yeah? You think that was bad? Let me tell you MY terrible experience. Trust me. Mine is worse than yours, so you should be grateful."
SAY WHAT?!?!?!
The Lion inside me just shook her head, yawned, extended her claws and gave out a healthy ROOOOOAR of indignation!!!!
JAN!!! STOP!!!!! redirect!!!!!!!!!!!
I find myself so tired, so weary in body and spirit. So drained emotionally and energetically.
So NOPE! I don't want to see anyone! Ever! I draw inside and think "more sleep, more work, more time alone" will fix me.
In reality, a piece of me dies inside. A moment passes, and Time that I will never get back is *POOF! Gone! This grieves me....
... Time kept going while I flounder in a rut... my friends move on.... their circumstances ride the roller coaster.... and I've lost precious Time to show God's love. To be of service... to be God's hands, feet and voice,,, all while I have to work double time to reorganize my thoughts and attitudes.
Lately, I've told a few people that I trust,,, that I need to back up a bit. I need some "space" ((( sounds weird - hello! You're by yourself!))).... I need a break....
The realization is this : I can and will remain available to listen, to be there, to understand if someone is struggling or riding out a rough patch. I can and will hug, hold your hand, look you in the eyes, and absorb the energy of tears, laughter and emotions....
But I need to correct my attitude. I need to emotionally, physically, and spiritually recharge. It's time to get alone with God and to purge all the anxiety, sadness and disarray... to give it all to Him again.
That's what I LOVE about God giving humans free will. We can CHOOSE to look up, to seek Him, and to allow God to be in control..... we can also choose to stay in the negatives surrounding our external circumstances... but happily, we can CHOOSE liberty and dominion.
In seven days, actual Changes, shifts and new beginnings will become apparent. Ironically, some of you already know what's coming. Some of you will miss it, letting Change slip right past your notice. And some of you will wonder when the dust settles? "What just happened here, cuz I didn't see that coming." even though I'm hiding in plain sight, currently covered among the stuff. Like Gideon of the Old Testament... there are big changes coming up. And God is grooming me, pruning me, and shaping my Destiny!
When the new Chapter starts to pen the next page of my life story? I will be an even better woman, a better servant, a better friend, and better family, and a better person..... for YOU and for myself.
When Sunrise turns into sunset it is time to roll on~
~J~
Jan M. Olsen
The Who
"Behind Blue Eyes"
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool
If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
