To see the rest, will need to scroll down, Even my petty annoyances are looming larger than life. I cant figure it out :-/
Blessed. Grateful. Bequeathed a gift.
Those are the answers to "What is the blessing?"
I'm still bound up inside. Too much so to spit it out on type or paper. Unfortunately, I doubt myself, that I can make it rated PG 13... Right now everything from this weekend is still very BIG to me. Out of proportion. Inappropriate.
No longer angry, I am just hurt. A smidgen mad at myself that I can't STAY mad long enough ,,, lol. That may be an odd thing to say? But, Right, Wrong, and Grey it took THREE to tango this weekend. I'm no angel, and I was rude and out of line... but I was also run over and taken advantage of. Mack truck-style.
I am wrong. I was wrong. I acted wrong. Just lost tonight. Of all the good that can be said of me? I am no hero, no warrior, no wonderful person in this weekend Just clay, very marred clay.
So, this little jot will have to do temporarily. I was going to the beach to get as close to the water as I could to meditate and pray,,, or scream and cry, ,,, or dance and spend myself, maybe all of that.
But frankly? Being angry takes sooo much out of me.. It hurts my heart (and stomach) soooo much,,, that I am spent already. So I just drove back to my truck. Sitting in my car, parked by my truck. I SO(!) do not want to get in that dark cave/jail cell.... For awhile at least,, I am sitting here in the cool of the evening,, trying not to give in to the tears of hurt, loss, shame, fears, and regret.
Angel called about the time I got to Ft. Meyers... she was too bright and casual, too bubbly and like tinkling brass. She reminded me of the little cartoon of the two dogs, one jumping in circles around the big dog" what are we gonna do today Spike? huh Spike? Huh Spike? huh? huh?"
That is one of the BLESSINGS is that both Angel and I are very forgiving souls. As for Aaron? FLASH OF ANGER - I don't give a John Brown's Horse... hmmmm
But ,,, too near tears to stay on the fake side with Angel,, I just let her ramble in her nervous way.... and when travelling cell phone signal crackled, I was grateful to close the call.
I had looked so forward to seeing her. I always carry months of "DID YOU SEE THATs??!?!" in my duffle bag,, collect music, scraps of paper, photos... I am such a damned puppy dog, so eager to see Angel... or Alisha... or even my parents...
Either I am too intense? Or they just don't give a damn? It is certainly one sided.
THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME TO BE SO WITH ANGEL THOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! She was my "STEADY" one,,, Alisha is like me, passionate and on fire for life. Angel was always the Rock of Gibralter.
I know, parents can't say they have favorite children. And I do not say that now. I do have distinctly different relationships with each of them as individual people.
Here's what I mean.
Angel and I are very close spiritually. Traditionally. The slow, thoughtful, loving, careful side of our affections. Very symbolic and holds on to "things" such as photos, gifts, knick knacks. Both Complacents. Very much intellectual nerds and introverts. Very deep thinkers. Intercessors. Forgiving. Givers. We give and receive love very similarly through touch and affection. Through word. We are both door mats and often overlooked and fairly content to be the soldier in the infantry, holding up the leadership round us. Servants. Musically gifted and our MAIN method of self-expression. Writers. Readers. Desire roots and foundations. The calm ember that just keeps the eternal flame.
Alisha and I both question EVERYTHING! We are very on fire and if the wood is wet, we can ignite it soon enough by nurturing the slightest flame. EXTREMELY passionate, we FLASH from one end of the spectrum to the next. Shaking and baking!! BIG DREAMERS! Intellectual chess partners. We use music and dance to BLAST our way in an out of our emotions and desires. Athletic, driven to succeed. Our affection is being close enough to touch, but content to have a visual line on our partner. Spontaneous, methodical, practical and inventive, McGyver. Creative and always looking for the next excitement. Also readers and writers. Very outspoken in our physical releases, both what we say and don't say. Very likely to pop out with what's on our mind and sort it out later. Alisha is the Fun and the Light in my world ( when she was home as my girl). Lifeforce, glow, bounce, sparkle, excitement.
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One thing that torqued me even as I went down there was all the running they needed me to do for them, but Angel & Aaron are BOTH PROCRASTINATORS... it's good they married each other! They collectively don't give a damn about who they inconvenience or hold up ,,,For instance, They would tell me "we need to leave by 9:30am to get to church by 10am",,,, I am at the door, keys in hand by 09:25am,,, Angel FINALLY puts her shoes on at 09:45m!!! When I wanted to stop and get a bottle of water to take meds with??? They huff and puff we are running late. Well WHO THE HECK RAN LATE DO YOU SUPPOSE?????
That's just ONE example of an entire weekend of rubbing the wrong way!
That's just ONE example of an entire weekend of rubbing the wrong way!
Angel and I had specific matching rings.... she has taken hers off. She didnt have the balls to tell me ahead of time. I found out last night, after the Induction Ceremony as we took photos outside, I reached around her, AS I ALWAYS DO, to take her hand and lace fingers, AS I ALWAYS DO, and the ring was missing. She curled her fingers away,, letting me know it was for real.
I asked, calmly at first, did she take it off and just forget to put it back on?
Took her until today to get around to telling me the truth. And the truth was not anything I wanted to hear.
And , abruptly, I know, the ring thing means more to me than OBVIOUSLY it does to anyone else,, soooo forget it,, moving on... I will have to work that out in my own head and heart.
AND GIVE UP AGAIN.
so anyway, goodnight,, this day has got to end soon. back to work, driving, when i drove all weekend.. so here we go,, off to the races,, when i never stopped running.
footnote: I did not tell, admit, confess whatever to Angel what I have been dealing with in my illness. I wanted to . But just didn't get the vibe that it was the right time,, or that she is much intersted in anyone besides herself. (just a phase,, gotta believe it is just a phase,, )
hoping she is just going through something and is pulling in her wings to garner her reserve survival resources???
i can understand THAT...
Love her through it,, see her on the other end.
If i dont screw it all up by being a total jerk first...
But, I didnt even take my usual 15-20 pills regimen while there,, I really tried to keep how sick I am, how in pain my body is,, on the down low.
No worries there... she didnt know I was around.
JMO
CREED LYRICS
"A Thousand Faces"
I stand surrounded by the walls that once confined me
Knowing I'll be underneath them
When they crumble when they fall
With clarity my scars remind me
Ash still simmers just under my skin
Indifference smiles again
So much I hide
How is stepping back a move forward?
Now I'm forced to look behind
I'm forced to look at you
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell which is you
Broken mirrors paint the floor
Why can't you see the truth
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell me which is you
Tell me which is you
Eerily time made no change
Pointing fingers, laying blame
Lying over and over and over and over
Deceiving your mind
Dug my grave...Trash my name
Yet here I stand so you won't fade away
Indifference smiles again
So much I hide
How is stepping back a move forward
Now I'm forced to look behind
I'm forced to look at you
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell which is you
Broken mirrors paint the floor
Why can't you see the truth
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell me which is you
Tell me which is you
I bleed inside
Just let it out
I bleed inside
I'm gonna let it out
Let it die
Now I'm forced to look behind
I'm forced to look at you
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell which is you
Broken mirrors paint the floor
Why can't you tell the truth
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell me which is you
Tell me which is you
Tell me
Tell me
Tell me
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me which is you
Tell me which is you
