Reminded today, that I who have so MUCH,, give so little. And my friends,who had so little,,, gave me SO MUCH.
My 20oth Blog Post since opening this site on October 4, 2010!
Dear Donna Hanner, those of us left behind yet a little while miss you something fierce. I hug Jim every time I see him, and he clings to me. Almost a year has gone by, and he weeps still.
Today, it is a new day full of hope and promise. I have your cd. I want to ask you, where you are in heaven? Will you join me in a song today? I will sing from here. Between us??
"LET THE GLORY OF THE LORD RISE AMONG US, LET IT RISE!!!!"
Tuesday was a bit of a transition for me. I had to face the reality that, like it or not, a Change had taken place. I had to pick up with what I had available to me and go forward. This was an emotional time.
I’m referring to the time had come for me to shop to replace necessary items that had been taken in the theft. It’s been a couple of weeks. The theft itself has had time to sink in. I made peace with my insecurity fears. I made a list of missing items, sent it in via email to the Heartland Express Channels. It was swept under the rug. No one even wants to talk about it with me. My car is paid for, so I only carry FL requirements of liability. I don’t own a home or rent an apartment. No insurance in other words.
The Schrade Old Timer knife my Dad gave me upon my gradutaion from Electronics school, my daughter’s backpacks, and the digital camera card with Angel’s wedding and Jeremiah’s new birth? Will never be replaced.
Some items were important to the daily function of my truck. Tools, a Commercial Vehicle Operator’s atlas, cleaning supplies (those add up), even scissors and tape had to be replaced.
I work hard to keep a positive attitude. I don’t need much for myself of my money usually, so I give it away as people need it. To have to ring up a big ticket to replace what I already invested in once? Was painful.
After a nap, I went back to work. I was organizing my truck while I waited to be loaded at a Shaw’s plant in Andalusia, AL. I came across a gift. I write this now, abashed and humbled.
There was a middle aged couple from my church, Jim and Donna Hanner. They were both bent over with physical injuries. A bit hard to get to know, especially Donna was a bit of a crusty curmudegeon. Yet, Countless times, God led me to them to pray in the altar. I would request permission, and lay hands on Donna’s hip, knee, feet.
My church has an annual picnic in March. There is a photographic taken of Donna, leaning on her cane, talking to me as I manned the massive grill in 2010. Her husband, Jim, bent over almost in half and his neck crooked, stands, as he always does, right by Donna's side.
In May '10, Donna stumbled. She got back up, but had a “catch” in her abdomen area. On their way to church she told Jim, “You better take me to the ER. Something’s wrong.”
Donna had advanced cancer from her lungs, stomach, all the organs and linings in the front of her abdomen!!!!
For a week, I was OTR and unable to get in to town. Hospitals are NOT my thing at all!! Yet, God asked me to go see Donna. When I went,, she was making jokes with the nurses, drifting in and out of consciousness. Jim and I talked a lot that day. I knew he ADORED her. I found out there as a visitor to her bedside, that Jim and Donna both were pilots, and that Donna had been a competitive dancer, before she broke her hip and knee.
Jim cried a lot,,, I reached over to touch him a lot. I held them both a lot. Their 3 children were not there right then to visit them. Our church family and ministry had been in and out as they could.
I left that day glad I had obeyed God. It was the last time I ever saw Donna alive. She passed away at home less than 3 weeks later. I was OTR again and did not get another opportunity to say goodbye.
Jim is lost without his companion of almost 50 years. One day, he came to me at church, with a tattered bag in his hands. He wanted me to have Donna’s music collection. A scruffy, scratched collection of cds and cassette tapes. Most were very old style, not my type of music at all. I put them in a shoebox here on my truck and ,,,,, well, to be honest? I forgot about them. I kept them to honor my friends.
Tonight? While organizing and unpackaging my new supplies, my hand brushed a cd. I looked at it and fell apart into humbled tears. Here I was feeling down about the theft, and yet, here, on THIS DAY, my hand comes to a cd that once was loved by Donna.
The cd? A 2 cd-set called “WOW Worship”. Over 30 songs of worship and praise by contemporary Christian artists .. this set happened to be from 2004 when I was “backslid” and out of the church scene at all. Songs and some artists that I do not even recognize.
WHAT TIMING!!!! The cds were filthy and scratched,, just as they came to me from Jim in that torn plastic bag. After I lovingly wiped them down? Beautiful, like new condition.
As I go on my way today, from Andalusia to Ringgold, GA I will pop one into my player. Reconnecting with my friends, Jim and Donna Hanner, and obeying a call to WORSHIP GOD with all I have within me. No longer sad about my situations, they are so petty and pale in comparison. Jim still mourns his loss of his mate and best friend. I see it in his eyes every time I approach him at church to hug his frail body.
I who have so MUCH,, give so little. And my friends,who had so little,,, gave me SO MUCH.
Thoroughly rocked my world tonight… from both sides of the clouds.
To Donna? I love you. Sing to the angels. I will join you from here.
To Jim? I love you too. May my hug infuse you as God himself would embrace you.
To myself? Loved and cherished by God and my church family, I go on up the road.
With a lump in my throat, ache in my heart, and smile on my lips,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
As I began the travel with my loaded trailer? The worship songs filled my truck and daybreak's dawn began to glow through the Southern pines and oaks. I am not alone. Angels and my friends join in a heavenly chorus,,,, LET THE GLORY OF THE LORD RISE AMONG US, LET IT RISE!!!
Essence
I shall be at peace when the lion within can lie down with the lamb.
Showing posts with label Loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Loss. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
What A Song!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2diIeBEmvWw
Five Finger Death Punch-"Far From Home"
Great song in a great album, enjoy. [Lyrics] Verse 1 Another day in this carnival of souls Another nights ends, end as quickly as it goes The memories are shadows; ink on the page And i can't seem to find my way home Chorus And it's almost like Your heaven's trying everything You.......
Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them. Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891 Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 - 1900
Moved a weight around in my chest. It's still there. It just shifted. Not sure what to do or where to go next.
Was COMPLETELY blindsided. And OH!! I hate being snuck up on!!!
Wow,,, go to sleep now? Riiiiight.
jmo
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The episode of my favorite TV show that I watched, tonight it wasn't about the murders this time. It was about the family of the killer.
In the end, an adult woman whose father was a serial killer when she was in elementary school, asked what was wrong with her that she couldn't hate her father?
This hit me soooo hard! I ask myself ALL THE TIME
"HOW can you forgive your dad?"
"WHY can't you forgive your mother?"
Both haunt me. I can forgive so much,, and I do try,, to forgive her, even thought she is freaking clueless and still turns her back to me. The correct order of roles was reversed somehow? I had to protect HER??!! WTH!
I want peace,, especially before she goes,, but she doesn't know,, or care,,, that I have ought with her.
Once, when I was in junior high I asked her, what would she do if she knew Dad was doing something to Michael or me? Her response was swift, full of venom and distorted her features- "I WOULD KILL HIM!"
Well, alrighty then, *itch!!! YOU chose to never be around!! YOU chose to drop me off! YOU chose to not SEE me!! YOU chose to not take care of things.... and YOU want to kill HIM!??! Like Heck!
So,,, i kept my silence...
In the TV episode tonight??? The daddy kills the mom.
UGH!!!!
Five Finger Death Punch-"Far From Home"
Great song in a great album, enjoy. [Lyrics] Verse 1 Another day in this carnival of souls Another nights ends, end as quickly as it goes The memories are shadows; ink on the page And i can't seem to find my way home Chorus And it's almost like Your heaven's trying everything You.......
Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them. Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891 Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 - 1900
Moved a weight around in my chest. It's still there. It just shifted. Not sure what to do or where to go next.
Was COMPLETELY blindsided. And OH!! I hate being snuck up on!!!
Wow,,, go to sleep now? Riiiiight.
jmo
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
The episode of my favorite TV show that I watched, tonight it wasn't about the murders this time. It was about the family of the killer.
In the end, an adult woman whose father was a serial killer when she was in elementary school, asked what was wrong with her that she couldn't hate her father?
This hit me soooo hard! I ask myself ALL THE TIME
"HOW can you forgive your dad?"
"WHY can't you forgive your mother?"
Both haunt me. I can forgive so much,, and I do try,, to forgive her, even thought she is freaking clueless and still turns her back to me. The correct order of roles was reversed somehow? I had to protect HER??!! WTH!
I want peace,, especially before she goes,, but she doesn't know,, or care,,, that I have ought with her.
Once, when I was in junior high I asked her, what would she do if she knew Dad was doing something to Michael or me? Her response was swift, full of venom and distorted her features- "I WOULD KILL HIM!"
Well, alrighty then, *itch!!! YOU chose to never be around!! YOU chose to drop me off! YOU chose to not SEE me!! YOU chose to not take care of things.... and YOU want to kill HIM!??! Like Heck!
So,,, i kept my silence...
In the TV episode tonight??? The daddy kills the mom.
UGH!!!!
Monday, December 13, 2010
Still Here and There
It's been a day or so since I have entered into the blog. No real reason. Not over busy at work. Not any one thing I can pinpoint. A myriad of Life Experiences. Learning to be grateful for every turn in my roads. So fallible. So human.
For a long time, I thought I was making progress in the equilibrium of the chaos of my life, health, relationships, P-P-F, spiritual walk, etc.
I'm still not ready to fully discuss what all happened the weekend of December 4, 2010 when I went to see Angel. I am still trying to weed out the blessings from among the thorns. I was a TERRIBLE person... and it just breaks my heart. I can't do that again. EVER.
The up-side is that this weekend of Dec 11-12th was out of this world amazing! Angel and I both have bittersweet gifts of forgiving, trusting souls.... and it stood us in good stead! Then to share a part of our lives (church) with my brother, Michael??? Was just unspeakeable glory and abundant merciful grace.
Also, not able to share the details of this time either.
Matter of fact, not sure why I am writing here, this minute at all???? I have so many scraps of paper,, journal pages, notes began on the word processor, email drafts to myself, that I didn't even send TO ME.... I am bound up in knots in my words.
That is another sad thing,, I had been doing SO GOOD to let all the scars and wounds get healing air.... and I screwed up so bad that I am ashamed to even write it.
ALthough, it happened?? It just tears me apart.
I sat in my truck, for more than an hour today. Mesmerized, turning my hands over, and over, and over. Looking at the scars. Plenty to look at. Callouses, scars, disfigurements.
Of special note were the injuries 1 yr, 2 yrs, a decade old. How did they heal? At what point did infection or injury turn the corner to new tissue, stronger joints, bones, skin? I remember each step. Especially the March 2009 Dallas-born, crescent shaped scar where I had nine stitches, lost a piece of bone, and GOD grew a new joint UP to meet the knuckle line, and then GOD closed an infected, swollen, fevered, oozing wound that wouldn't even support stitches.
How did I get here? When did I lose control?
So,, there is a a damn dam in my spirit where only recently I had pulled my finger out of the dyke and the hell inside broke loose in a fury, a raging torrent of words, and then formed to a more meaningful river,,,
now? i am still here. Still going there.
One day,,, one breath,,,, one decision.... one at a time.
Janet M. Olsen
~J~
Sunday, December 5, 2010
The Life Of a Fairy Tale
To see the rest, will need to scroll down, Even my petty annoyances are looming larger than life. I cant figure it out :-/
Blessed. Grateful. Bequeathed a gift.
Those are the answers to "What is the blessing?"
I'm still bound up inside. Too much so to spit it out on type or paper. Unfortunately, I doubt myself, that I can make it rated PG 13... Right now everything from this weekend is still very BIG to me. Out of proportion. Inappropriate.
No longer angry, I am just hurt. A smidgen mad at myself that I can't STAY mad long enough ,,, lol. That may be an odd thing to say? But, Right, Wrong, and Grey it took THREE to tango this weekend. I'm no angel, and I was rude and out of line... but I was also run over and taken advantage of. Mack truck-style.
I am wrong. I was wrong. I acted wrong. Just lost tonight. Of all the good that can be said of me? I am no hero, no warrior, no wonderful person in this weekend Just clay, very marred clay.
So, this little jot will have to do temporarily. I was going to the beach to get as close to the water as I could to meditate and pray,,, or scream and cry, ,,, or dance and spend myself, maybe all of that.
But frankly? Being angry takes sooo much out of me.. It hurts my heart (and stomach) soooo much,,, that I am spent already. So I just drove back to my truck. Sitting in my car, parked by my truck. I SO(!) do not want to get in that dark cave/jail cell.... For awhile at least,, I am sitting here in the cool of the evening,, trying not to give in to the tears of hurt, loss, shame, fears, and regret.
Angel called about the time I got to Ft. Meyers... she was too bright and casual, too bubbly and like tinkling brass. She reminded me of the little cartoon of the two dogs, one jumping in circles around the big dog" what are we gonna do today Spike? huh Spike? Huh Spike? huh? huh?"
That is one of the BLESSINGS is that both Angel and I are very forgiving souls. As for Aaron? FLASH OF ANGER - I don't give a John Brown's Horse... hmmmm
But ,,, too near tears to stay on the fake side with Angel,, I just let her ramble in her nervous way.... and when travelling cell phone signal crackled, I was grateful to close the call.
I had looked so forward to seeing her. I always carry months of "DID YOU SEE THATs??!?!" in my duffle bag,, collect music, scraps of paper, photos... I am such a damned puppy dog, so eager to see Angel... or Alisha... or even my parents...
Either I am too intense? Or they just don't give a damn? It is certainly one sided.
THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME TO BE SO WITH ANGEL THOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! She was my "STEADY" one,,, Alisha is like me, passionate and on fire for life. Angel was always the Rock of Gibralter.
I know, parents can't say they have favorite children. And I do not say that now. I do have distinctly different relationships with each of them as individual people.
Here's what I mean.
Angel and I are very close spiritually. Traditionally. The slow, thoughtful, loving, careful side of our affections. Very symbolic and holds on to "things" such as photos, gifts, knick knacks. Both Complacents. Very much intellectual nerds and introverts. Very deep thinkers. Intercessors. Forgiving. Givers. We give and receive love very similarly through touch and affection. Through word. We are both door mats and often overlooked and fairly content to be the soldier in the infantry, holding up the leadership round us. Servants. Musically gifted and our MAIN method of self-expression. Writers. Readers. Desire roots and foundations. The calm ember that just keeps the eternal flame.
Alisha and I both question EVERYTHING! We are very on fire and if the wood is wet, we can ignite it soon enough by nurturing the slightest flame. EXTREMELY passionate, we FLASH from one end of the spectrum to the next. Shaking and baking!! BIG DREAMERS! Intellectual chess partners. We use music and dance to BLAST our way in an out of our emotions and desires. Athletic, driven to succeed. Our affection is being close enough to touch, but content to have a visual line on our partner. Spontaneous, methodical, practical and inventive, McGyver. Creative and always looking for the next excitement. Also readers and writers. Very outspoken in our physical releases, both what we say and don't say. Very likely to pop out with what's on our mind and sort it out later. Alisha is the Fun and the Light in my world ( when she was home as my girl). Lifeforce, glow, bounce, sparkle, excitement.
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One thing that torqued me even as I went down there was all the running they needed me to do for them, but Angel & Aaron are BOTH PROCRASTINATORS... it's good they married each other! They collectively don't give a damn about who they inconvenience or hold up ,,,For instance, They would tell me "we need to leave by 9:30am to get to church by 10am",,,, I am at the door, keys in hand by 09:25am,,, Angel FINALLY puts her shoes on at 09:45m!!! When I wanted to stop and get a bottle of water to take meds with??? They huff and puff we are running late. Well WHO THE HECK RAN LATE DO YOU SUPPOSE?????
That's just ONE example of an entire weekend of rubbing the wrong way!
That's just ONE example of an entire weekend of rubbing the wrong way!
Angel and I had specific matching rings.... she has taken hers off. She didnt have the balls to tell me ahead of time. I found out last night, after the Induction Ceremony as we took photos outside, I reached around her, AS I ALWAYS DO, to take her hand and lace fingers, AS I ALWAYS DO, and the ring was missing. She curled her fingers away,, letting me know it was for real.
I asked, calmly at first, did she take it off and just forget to put it back on?
Took her until today to get around to telling me the truth. And the truth was not anything I wanted to hear.
And , abruptly, I know, the ring thing means more to me than OBVIOUSLY it does to anyone else,, soooo forget it,, moving on... I will have to work that out in my own head and heart.
AND GIVE UP AGAIN.
so anyway, goodnight,, this day has got to end soon. back to work, driving, when i drove all weekend.. so here we go,, off to the races,, when i never stopped running.
footnote: I did not tell, admit, confess whatever to Angel what I have been dealing with in my illness. I wanted to . But just didn't get the vibe that it was the right time,, or that she is much intersted in anyone besides herself. (just a phase,, gotta believe it is just a phase,, )
hoping she is just going through something and is pulling in her wings to garner her reserve survival resources???
i can understand THAT...
Love her through it,, see her on the other end.
If i dont screw it all up by being a total jerk first...
But, I didnt even take my usual 15-20 pills regimen while there,, I really tried to keep how sick I am, how in pain my body is,, on the down low.
No worries there... she didnt know I was around.
JMO
CREED LYRICS
"A Thousand Faces"
I stand surrounded by the walls that once confined me
Knowing I'll be underneath them
When they crumble when they fall
With clarity my scars remind me
Ash still simmers just under my skin
Indifference smiles again
So much I hide
How is stepping back a move forward?
Now I'm forced to look behind
I'm forced to look at you
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell which is you
Broken mirrors paint the floor
Why can't you see the truth
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell me which is you
Tell me which is you
Eerily time made no change
Pointing fingers, laying blame
Lying over and over and over and over
Deceiving your mind
Dug my grave...Trash my name
Yet here I stand so you won't fade away
Indifference smiles again
So much I hide
How is stepping back a move forward
Now I'm forced to look behind
I'm forced to look at you
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell which is you
Broken mirrors paint the floor
Why can't you see the truth
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell me which is you
Tell me which is you
I bleed inside
Just let it out
I bleed inside
I'm gonna let it out
Let it die
Now I'm forced to look behind
I'm forced to look at you
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell which is you
Broken mirrors paint the floor
Why can't you tell the truth
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell me which is you
Tell me which is you
Tell me
Tell me
Tell me
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me which is you
Tell me which is you
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
A Talk With An Old Friend Is Like A Cup Of Hot Herbal Tea
Loving means losing,,, letting go... I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance. Tonight, I choose to reflect the BEAUTY in a love, long ago with a girl that today holds my heart and soul.
Is Life spinning faster and faster and faster,,, out of control?
Only the days of the week containing "-day".What a day! From my notes earlier and my waking moments, I hit the ground running full tilt. This seeming pandemonium challenged me emotionally, physically,spiritually, and had me tumbling like clothes in a large capacity dryer! Heat was ON!
Here it is, 10:35pm and I am still in Jacksonville. My truck repair was done at 5:30pm. I was sent a preplan load assignment. The miles weren't great, but so far I have a big fat goose egg. Miles are turned in on Fridays, paid out the next week. I expected to roll upon my return from Colorado at 10pm last night. I had communicated my travel itinerary, and updated my driver manager all day. True, I appreciated the sleep, then woke ready to roll. The truck broke down.
So anyway, at 5:30pm, Tuesday, was instructed to go get an empty trailer off the Yard, then they would assign me the load. No empties. I sent in a QualCom, and went to get dinner. Fully expecting them to send me bobtail to the pickup. No reply. An hour... no message. Finally I call Iowa, to find out, they double booked that load. Another driver is now headed to Lakeland.
Went back to the Yard, showered, laundry.. just a bit relieved and miffed. I've been at this life long enough to say "trucking is trucking". Also, walked with God enough in a Journey of FAITH to say, "You know what, God? I don't know what you are protecting me from? I don't know what you see? I don't know what it is that you have for me that is BETTER than the load that just slipped away? But I accept all of your BEST for me. Carry on, Sir!"
I got some news today. I am not comfortable... no that isn't strong enough.... I am downright angry in LIFE to always have to be the one PROTECTING.... when no one has ever stepped up to ward evil from hurting me. I am always looking out for others. That Golden Rule thing??? I practice it outwardly to others all the time. Rarely do I get the return on it... even then, often it isn't to whom I extended it, instead maybe I receive good from a different source. WHATEVER!
Also, WHY is it my job to tell others, esp if the news is able to be perceived Good or Bad, depending on the hearer and the angle? Why make me the bad guy?
Especially where that odd group of individuals aka "family" is concerned??? I really just want to ,,, please them,,, love them,, be loved by them,,, but I am weary,,,, that's a good word for it. I am weary of being the messenger, the go-between, the ambassador. ALways falling short....
Don't get me wrong, PLEASE! I am NOT weary in well-doing! And I have this gift/curse of being able to love, forgive, love even more to anyone,,,, but,, that gets me trampled on too.
That flash of anger?? Left me depleted,, uncomfortable and full of guilt and regret. I didn't linger in the ANGER,,, but it coursed through me as real and hot as blood and breath itself. I had to ride it out,,, feeling nauseous and scared of losing control of my emotions the entire time.
After that while of loss and bitter desperate rage?? I sagged, weak and alone.
Then,, I felt the lift,,,the shifting,,, I cannot change what made me angry,,, but I CAN CONTROL MY REACTIONS..... I began to see the good and positive and the hope for the near and distant future.. to give it all over to God and trust HIM in THIS TOO... He is the same God that he was all day,,, now,,, and tomorrow.... to let go,,, and feel it,, then,,, shift,,,
At first, noticing I am still,,, like some pathetic loser, still reaching out. As that passes, I open up yet again,, let that move out and away,, and I find I am still grateful. I am still blessed. I am still loving.
I was headed down a wrong and lonely road tonight. When, after my shower, I felt the urge to text message an old friend and ask if she was still up? Could we talk? It was 9:40pm, both of us on Eastern Time Zone.
(AND NO NO NO!!! THIS IS *NOT* my "best friend" from high school,,, PRECISELY one of my sources of anger,, she has cut me out and away so soundly,, I CAN'T go to her,, I don't know what I did to make her turn away??? Rejected and still hurting,,,and I MISS HER!!!ahhhh)
Now, I don't like the phone, since my stroke. My thought to speech is impaired and I stutter. I am half-bright, but one would not know that on the phone. In person, I concentrate, and follow a person's conversation in an adaptive way, similar to reading lips,, and expression, and their posture, movements, etc. It helps me keep my thoughts forming into words, and I appear the intelligent girl that I am. So, to ask my friend to talk on the phone??? Is a SINCERE gift of my trust in her, that she will be patient, loving, and gentle with me and my infirmities.
53 minutes later,,, I close the call and feel so limp. So loved. So relieved. So warm inside my gut and my heart. I am wrung out, but the dirty, smelly attitude that had bubbled inside of me as my day went downhill on a bobsled, is aired, sanitized, and on its way to proper and full healing. She is not a friend from church, which is unusual when you consider THAT type of "therapy" coming from a mere phone call.
No, Terry is the one (and only) girl that I have let myself "LOVE" in the moment we were together, and have relationship with.... and have maintained a 22 yr bond with. Definitely NOT a church thing. I can't admit that to them, to them it is cut and dried. Black and white. What we share is an entire pallet painting a Thomas Kincaide of life, love, connection, and unity. Not a church thing at all. No box here, my friend.
Trying to think back? It had to be 1987 or 1988,, so I was 19 or 20? Terry was 23,, somehow, I remember that detail clearly. Our husbands were Army during Desert Storm and we were stationed in Ft. Polk, LA. Dependants either sat home and made themselves fat and miserable eating ice cream and potatoe chips whining about separation from mommy and hubby,,,, or they got out, and joined the support activities on the Base?
Terry and I met at a Tang Soo Do class on Post at the gym. She was ahead of me in class by 2 belts. But it was love at first sight for each of us. I BELIEVE ,,, because it DID HAPPEN to me!! Within a class session or two, we became work out partners. We would arrive early, and sitting on the gym floor, we would stretch each other out.
We FIT PERFECTLY!! Oh,, it tugs my heart,,, fills it with so much light and love,, remembering how we NESTLED and FIT like hand in a glove. We didn't have "training" so we did exercises we made up. Soles of our feet touching, matching, we reached across our outstretched legs, took the other by the hand, and alternating pulling until the stretch in our legs hurt,, then pulling a wee bit more,,
To help us hold the stretch? We looked into each other's eyes,,, and wordlessly, assured "YOU CAN DO THIS". We stretched and challenged many areas of our bodies, then the class kicked our rear, until we learned to block, and kick back :-) We practiced FORMS (kata) relentlessly,, in class, then again just the two of us in our own private ballet on the mats,, then again at our homes. With this practice we excelled in Tang SooDo, belt after belt we rose up the ranks!
Poetry.... the ONE and only time I have ever felt GRACEFUL or IN TUNE with another human being... makes me ache, remembering this time in my life. I yearn for that CONNECTEDNESS with another.
We were blonde and coal. I guess I was supposed to say the cliche Ebony and Ivory? She is a fast talking, sassy Yankee from Rhode Island. Moody, and volatile, funny, and loving, loyal to the death. The Life of the Party, Terry had clear WHITE skin, and JET BLACK CURLY short hair. (not what I am normally attracted to in a guy or a girl!!! hmmmmm....)
I am a Longhorn Cracker, as Southern as one can get...my Heinz 57 drawl is so slooooow and thoughtful.....I had straight, blonde hair past my butt with the same flybacks that I had in junior and senior high school. Tan and athletic, vibrant and extremely, painfully, excrutiatingly backwards, awkward, and socially a nerd in EVERY WAY. (just like school, ugh, LOL)
We were the exact height and weight,, to the inch and ounce. We drew on each other's strengths and bolstered our weaknesses.
Our young families began to also be inseparable. Terry and Ed had 4 yr old Jessica and 2 year old Kellie. Ole and I had 2 year old Angel and were off the Pill, trying to get pregnant (Alisha). Ole was much older than any of us.
I point that out, because we were all young. Not innocent. But we WERE naive. We were curious. We did some,,,,, very OPEN things..... Ed was one to go to bed at 9pm..... I can't tell you how many times Ole, Terry, and I sat up playing Spades ,,, or got sitters and went clubbing.... the 3 of us dancing in that unrestrained, half-drunk, carefree way of YOUTH.
One such night of Bacardi and cards, and we dreamed up switching partners.
That was,,, intriguing,,, to a backwoods, Pentecostal. LOLOLOL!!! That meant I had to go wake up Ed... poor guy,,, I ended up panicking,, and we sat and talked,, while the other 2 did,,, i don't wanna know what. I was actively trying to get pregnant with my husband,,, soooo I decided not to take the risk,,, thank God!
Sometime after this,, Terry and I went to class as always. This time,, I joined her in the shower.
That's all the details I'm giving,,, but,,, she will always be my first and only girl love. I do know,, ANYTHING is POSSIBLE , the Life LESSON I gleaned from this time.
Later, her and Ed divorced. She married a MUCH younger guy that rode a a crotch rocket and swooped her off her feet!! (by now it has been 4 years,,and mine and Ole's second daughter, Alisha is a 2 yr old!!!) When Shane ETS,,, Terry went with him. They have lived the last 2 decades in his hometown of Evansville, Indianna (close to Owensboro, KY).
That was the last time I saw Terry in person! I missed their wedding, That was 1990. During Oct-Dec 1990 I moved to Tallahasse to live with my best friend from high school. I worked 3 jobs and filed divorce from Ole at the recommendation of Army chaplains, civilian counsellors, hospital staff,,,, all of them sure he would end up killing me one day instead of landing me in the ER for yet another CAT scan!!!
My marriage "reconciled" in January 1991,,, we stayed friends with Terry and Shane,, raised all 4 girls as sisters/cousins..... until the day Desert Storm ended and soldiers were sent home. Terry and Shane moved to Indianna in 1992. Ole and I also left the military, going home to Central Florida with our small brood, Nov. 1992.
Two years ago,,, Terry found me on MySpace,,, then Facebook followed. We emailed a few times,,, then we talked on the phone. We have both moved on from that era in our lives.... and turned our back on that PURE LOVE and AFFECTION that we shared in our early years. We have each lived loving lives with other people. Our children are grown ups now,, much the same ages we were.
Terry and I talked about that tonight. When I confessed to her how my visit with Alisha went, and some of the things I have learned about my daughter,... when I finally got to VERBALIZE IT in such a SAFE HAVEN as in Terry's trust and open concern???
We talked about OUR LOVE and how our mothers would not have understood us either. We don't want certain things for OUR daughters.,,,, but can not judge them. We love them. Wish to guide them. Wish to shelter them even. In the end? We can just love them and BE THERE for them. The only true LANDING place our girls will have.
From IN to FL, she encouraged me, once again stretching me,, pulling until it hurts,, then proverbially this time,, looking into my eyes and holding the stretch, then pulling it a fraction more.. she asked me to write my book,, she reminded me,, of the gift I have with words and how I always moved her,,, she stretched me, entreated me to write the book, and share with others what she has already been privvy and close to.
Terry and I have each other. Then and now. And like a fine wine,,,, or a hot, carefully chosen and steeped herbal tea?? The ingredients a fine blend of soothing, healing, nurturing timeless remedy. She soothed my jangled nerves and raw pain,,, and loved me,, from 1,000's of miles away,, as only a LOVER could,.... intimately in TUNE WITH and AWARE of my every flex, every breath, every thing I WAS NOT saying,, as well as HEARING all that I DID SAY OUT LOUD.
She heard my heartbeat,,, much as we once reached out, skin to skin,,, and FELT the other's pulsing life.
Yes,,, that talk? Tamed my savage beast. And once again,, I am that young girl,,for a very first time,, and for a very short season, I am loved and secure, and in PASSIONATE belief that LIFE is still INHERENTLY GOOD and WORTHWHILE the LIVING!
She says it was 3:00am just this past morning,, she couldn't sleep... she had texted me,, ,, then ,,, thinking not to disturb my sleep, she deleted the message, leaving it unsent.
Rarely, am I asleep at 3:00am... I am ALWAYS awake at 03:30 am.... in intercessory prayer and spiritual warfare for my slumbering loved ones and friends and strangers unawares.
I wish she had clicked SEND,,, maybe tonight she will?
meanwhile,, the talking things out with my "SAFE" friend and love, Terry,,, and now here in free form on the blog?? I am beat emotionally. I still have to face my discomfort and my (received) news and my revelations regarding my Alisha,,, but perhaps,, if I sleep on it??? Meditate on it??? Pray over it??
Above all else??? LOVE on it????
There is light,,, there is love,, there is peace... there is contentment,,,, there is HOPE....
Drifting to sleep, spent, but warm of heart and soul,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Here it is, 10:35pm and I am still in Jacksonville. My truck repair was done at 5:30pm. I was sent a preplan load assignment. The miles weren't great, but so far I have a big fat goose egg. Miles are turned in on Fridays, paid out the next week. I expected to roll upon my return from Colorado at 10pm last night. I had communicated my travel itinerary, and updated my driver manager all day. True, I appreciated the sleep, then woke ready to roll. The truck broke down.
So anyway, at 5:30pm, Tuesday, was instructed to go get an empty trailer off the Yard, then they would assign me the load. No empties. I sent in a QualCom, and went to get dinner. Fully expecting them to send me bobtail to the pickup. No reply. An hour... no message. Finally I call Iowa, to find out, they double booked that load. Another driver is now headed to Lakeland.
Went back to the Yard, showered, laundry.. just a bit relieved and miffed. I've been at this life long enough to say "trucking is trucking". Also, walked with God enough in a Journey of FAITH to say, "You know what, God? I don't know what you are protecting me from? I don't know what you see? I don't know what it is that you have for me that is BETTER than the load that just slipped away? But I accept all of your BEST for me. Carry on, Sir!"
I got some news today. I am not comfortable... no that isn't strong enough.... I am downright angry in LIFE to always have to be the one PROTECTING.... when no one has ever stepped up to ward evil from hurting me. I am always looking out for others. That Golden Rule thing??? I practice it outwardly to others all the time. Rarely do I get the return on it... even then, often it isn't to whom I extended it, instead maybe I receive good from a different source. WHATEVER!
Also, WHY is it my job to tell others, esp if the news is able to be perceived Good or Bad, depending on the hearer and the angle? Why make me the bad guy?
Especially where that odd group of individuals aka "family" is concerned??? I really just want to ,,, please them,,, love them,, be loved by them,,, but I am weary,,,, that's a good word for it. I am weary of being the messenger, the go-between, the ambassador. ALways falling short....
Don't get me wrong, PLEASE! I am NOT weary in well-doing! And I have this gift/curse of being able to love, forgive, love even more to anyone,,,, but,, that gets me trampled on too.
That flash of anger?? Left me depleted,, uncomfortable and full of guilt and regret. I didn't linger in the ANGER,,, but it coursed through me as real and hot as blood and breath itself. I had to ride it out,,, feeling nauseous and scared of losing control of my emotions the entire time.
After that while of loss and bitter desperate rage?? I sagged, weak and alone.
Then,, I felt the lift,,,the shifting,,, I cannot change what made me angry,,, but I CAN CONTROL MY REACTIONS..... I began to see the good and positive and the hope for the near and distant future.. to give it all over to God and trust HIM in THIS TOO... He is the same God that he was all day,,, now,,, and tomorrow.... to let go,,, and feel it,, then,,, shift,,,
At first, noticing I am still,,, like some pathetic loser, still reaching out. As that passes, I open up yet again,, let that move out and away,, and I find I am still grateful. I am still blessed. I am still loving.
I was headed down a wrong and lonely road tonight. When, after my shower, I felt the urge to text message an old friend and ask if she was still up? Could we talk? It was 9:40pm, both of us on Eastern Time Zone.
(AND NO NO NO!!! THIS IS *NOT* my "best friend" from high school,,, PRECISELY one of my sources of anger,, she has cut me out and away so soundly,, I CAN'T go to her,, I don't know what I did to make her turn away??? Rejected and still hurting,,,and I MISS HER!!!ahhhh)
Now, I don't like the phone, since my stroke. My thought to speech is impaired and I stutter. I am half-bright, but one would not know that on the phone. In person, I concentrate, and follow a person's conversation in an adaptive way, similar to reading lips,, and expression, and their posture, movements, etc. It helps me keep my thoughts forming into words, and I appear the intelligent girl that I am. So, to ask my friend to talk on the phone??? Is a SINCERE gift of my trust in her, that she will be patient, loving, and gentle with me and my infirmities.
53 minutes later,,, I close the call and feel so limp. So loved. So relieved. So warm inside my gut and my heart. I am wrung out, but the dirty, smelly attitude that had bubbled inside of me as my day went downhill on a bobsled, is aired, sanitized, and on its way to proper and full healing. She is not a friend from church, which is unusual when you consider THAT type of "therapy" coming from a mere phone call.
No, Terry is the one (and only) girl that I have let myself "LOVE" in the moment we were together, and have relationship with.... and have maintained a 22 yr bond with. Definitely NOT a church thing. I can't admit that to them, to them it is cut and dried. Black and white. What we share is an entire pallet painting a Thomas Kincaide of life, love, connection, and unity. Not a church thing at all. No box here, my friend.
Trying to think back? It had to be 1987 or 1988,, so I was 19 or 20? Terry was 23,, somehow, I remember that detail clearly. Our husbands were Army during Desert Storm and we were stationed in Ft. Polk, LA. Dependants either sat home and made themselves fat and miserable eating ice cream and potatoe chips whining about separation from mommy and hubby,,,, or they got out, and joined the support activities on the Base?
Terry and I met at a Tang Soo Do class on Post at the gym. She was ahead of me in class by 2 belts. But it was love at first sight for each of us. I BELIEVE ,,, because it DID HAPPEN to me!! Within a class session or two, we became work out partners. We would arrive early, and sitting on the gym floor, we would stretch each other out.
We FIT PERFECTLY!! Oh,, it tugs my heart,,, fills it with so much light and love,, remembering how we NESTLED and FIT like hand in a glove. We didn't have "training" so we did exercises we made up. Soles of our feet touching, matching, we reached across our outstretched legs, took the other by the hand, and alternating pulling until the stretch in our legs hurt,, then pulling a wee bit more,,
To help us hold the stretch? We looked into each other's eyes,,, and wordlessly, assured "YOU CAN DO THIS". We stretched and challenged many areas of our bodies, then the class kicked our rear, until we learned to block, and kick back :-) We practiced FORMS (kata) relentlessly,, in class, then again just the two of us in our own private ballet on the mats,, then again at our homes. With this practice we excelled in Tang SooDo, belt after belt we rose up the ranks!
Poetry.... the ONE and only time I have ever felt GRACEFUL or IN TUNE with another human being... makes me ache, remembering this time in my life. I yearn for that CONNECTEDNESS with another.
We were blonde and coal. I guess I was supposed to say the cliche Ebony and Ivory? She is a fast talking, sassy Yankee from Rhode Island. Moody, and volatile, funny, and loving, loyal to the death. The Life of the Party, Terry had clear WHITE skin, and JET BLACK CURLY short hair. (not what I am normally attracted to in a guy or a girl!!! hmmmmm....)
I am a Longhorn Cracker, as Southern as one can get...my Heinz 57 drawl is so slooooow and thoughtful.....I had straight, blonde hair past my butt with the same flybacks that I had in junior and senior high school. Tan and athletic, vibrant and extremely, painfully, excrutiatingly backwards, awkward, and socially a nerd in EVERY WAY. (just like school, ugh, LOL)
We were the exact height and weight,, to the inch and ounce. We drew on each other's strengths and bolstered our weaknesses.
Our young families began to also be inseparable. Terry and Ed had 4 yr old Jessica and 2 year old Kellie. Ole and I had 2 year old Angel and were off the Pill, trying to get pregnant (Alisha). Ole was much older than any of us.
I point that out, because we were all young. Not innocent. But we WERE naive. We were curious. We did some,,,,, very OPEN things..... Ed was one to go to bed at 9pm..... I can't tell you how many times Ole, Terry, and I sat up playing Spades ,,, or got sitters and went clubbing.... the 3 of us dancing in that unrestrained, half-drunk, carefree way of YOUTH.
One such night of Bacardi and cards, and we dreamed up switching partners.
That was,,, intriguing,,, to a backwoods, Pentecostal. LOLOLOL!!! That meant I had to go wake up Ed... poor guy,,, I ended up panicking,, and we sat and talked,, while the other 2 did,,, i don't wanna know what. I was actively trying to get pregnant with my husband,,, soooo I decided not to take the risk,,, thank God!
Sometime after this,, Terry and I went to class as always. This time,, I joined her in the shower.
That's all the details I'm giving,,, but,,, she will always be my first and only girl love. I do know,, ANYTHING is POSSIBLE , the Life LESSON I gleaned from this time.
Later, her and Ed divorced. She married a MUCH younger guy that rode a a crotch rocket and swooped her off her feet!! (by now it has been 4 years,,and mine and Ole's second daughter, Alisha is a 2 yr old!!!) When Shane ETS,,, Terry went with him. They have lived the last 2 decades in his hometown of Evansville, Indianna (close to Owensboro, KY).
That was the last time I saw Terry in person! I missed their wedding, That was 1990. During Oct-Dec 1990 I moved to Tallahasse to live with my best friend from high school. I worked 3 jobs and filed divorce from Ole at the recommendation of Army chaplains, civilian counsellors, hospital staff,,,, all of them sure he would end up killing me one day instead of landing me in the ER for yet another CAT scan!!!
My marriage "reconciled" in January 1991,,, we stayed friends with Terry and Shane,, raised all 4 girls as sisters/cousins..... until the day Desert Storm ended and soldiers were sent home. Terry and Shane moved to Indianna in 1992. Ole and I also left the military, going home to Central Florida with our small brood, Nov. 1992.
Two years ago,,, Terry found me on MySpace,,, then Facebook followed. We emailed a few times,,, then we talked on the phone. We have both moved on from that era in our lives.... and turned our back on that PURE LOVE and AFFECTION that we shared in our early years. We have each lived loving lives with other people. Our children are grown ups now,, much the same ages we were.
Terry and I talked about that tonight. When I confessed to her how my visit with Alisha went, and some of the things I have learned about my daughter,... when I finally got to VERBALIZE IT in such a SAFE HAVEN as in Terry's trust and open concern???
We talked about OUR LOVE and how our mothers would not have understood us either. We don't want certain things for OUR daughters.,,,, but can not judge them. We love them. Wish to guide them. Wish to shelter them even. In the end? We can just love them and BE THERE for them. The only true LANDING place our girls will have.
From IN to FL, she encouraged me, once again stretching me,, pulling until it hurts,, then proverbially this time,, looking into my eyes and holding the stretch, then pulling it a fraction more.. she asked me to write my book,, she reminded me,, of the gift I have with words and how I always moved her,,, she stretched me, entreated me to write the book, and share with others what she has already been privvy and close to.
Terry and I have each other. Then and now. And like a fine wine,,,, or a hot, carefully chosen and steeped herbal tea?? The ingredients a fine blend of soothing, healing, nurturing timeless remedy. She soothed my jangled nerves and raw pain,,, and loved me,, from 1,000's of miles away,, as only a LOVER could,.... intimately in TUNE WITH and AWARE of my every flex, every breath, every thing I WAS NOT saying,, as well as HEARING all that I DID SAY OUT LOUD.
She heard my heartbeat,,, much as we once reached out, skin to skin,,, and FELT the other's pulsing life.
Yes,,, that talk? Tamed my savage beast. And once again,, I am that young girl,,for a very first time,, and for a very short season, I am loved and secure, and in PASSIONATE belief that LIFE is still INHERENTLY GOOD and WORTHWHILE the LIVING!
She says it was 3:00am just this past morning,, she couldn't sleep... she had texted me,, ,, then ,,, thinking not to disturb my sleep, she deleted the message, leaving it unsent.
Rarely, am I asleep at 3:00am... I am ALWAYS awake at 03:30 am.... in intercessory prayer and spiritual warfare for my slumbering loved ones and friends and strangers unawares.
I wish she had clicked SEND,,, maybe tonight she will?
meanwhile,, the talking things out with my "SAFE" friend and love, Terry,,, and now here in free form on the blog?? I am beat emotionally. I still have to face my discomfort and my (received) news and my revelations regarding my Alisha,,, but perhaps,, if I sleep on it??? Meditate on it??? Pray over it??
Above all else??? LOVE on it????
There is light,,, there is love,, there is peace... there is contentment,,,, there is HOPE....
Drifting to sleep, spent, but warm of heart and soul,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
I Need Gills Instead Of Lungs
Then I will be forced to ascend. It's not enough that a diver must ascend slowly to release nitrogen build up in their tissues (decompression). No, I rise reluctantly emotionally. The last 15 feet before breaking the surface and searching for the boat? The ocean surge builds to a wild crescendo, and I am once again, tossed about. To and fro, with no control over where the push or pull takes me. Tides, moons, weather, physics, it all pulls and demands and insists that THEIR voice be heard!! Pick ME they scream in the cacophony clamoring in my head!
Immediately upon emerging into the "air"? The fight to find a way to breathe clear air begins. Either I saved sufficient P.S.I. of air in my tank for this period of getting back on the boat? Or I must trust a snorkel, which is constantly being swamped by waves of salt & brine. Knowing that this stage exists?? Makes me nervous to even plan a dive, travel to a site, begin to suit up, check the equipment, jump off a perfectly good boat in to 60 feet or more of heaving seas,,, and to TRUST the fact that if I can JUST get to 15 feet of depth?? The surge is almost non-existent. I can then navigate N,S,E,W and find my happy place. I can remember to breathe properly and relax, totally LOST in a world of wonder and awe and ever-changing glory of God's creation.
Like with most aspects of my life, I charge the trepidations head-on. Nervous or not, I shrug, gear up, and dive anyway. Most of the time, the rewards outweigh the risks.
So much color! So much LIFE! So many little sounds,,, the clicking of the shrimp, the churning of propellers, the rustle of metal dive gear scraping in a foreign land. The sound of my own blood pulsing.
It is what is missing that makes this so wonderful. No conversation. No media. No electronics (past the dive computer). No yesterday, No tomorrow. No pain in my body after I equalize the changing pressures at depth. Then, for me,,,, no inner dialogue. Absence of churning thoughts. A focus on surviving safely in a "hostile" environment, and a relaxation to just "BE" one with the ebb and flow of LIFE all around me.
I lost a dear friend last night. Too young, too soon. Senseless. That she feared most to be alone, and died alone? Crushes my heart. I failed her. I failed me. I failed her family. She died in her own worst nightmare. Alone.
She wrote me a note. She tried to set my mind to ease. Instead, she left me more questions. Immense pain. Overwhelming loss. Deafening silence of her voice. Forever.
Forever. Oh my God how that hurts.
I had felt in my spirit that something was wrong. I felt the call to travail. To anguish. I prayed. I felt ineffective with my own words, because at that moment, I didn't know the need, just that there was one. God has a sense of humor. He created me to be intense and passionate. Prayer is no different for me, it is a 200% whole-body experience!! Funny joke, God, that my altar is so often while I am at work, driving, trapped behind the wheel.
I didn't get release from God this time. I stopped praying when I was expended, but didn't feel closure of the matter.
Then I find out why. My friend killed herself.
All day today I have been so at a loss to reach out. Trust me, I think I am pretty pleased that I have a few internet friends, a few church friends, fewer family..... until the time comes when I really wanted to be held and reassured. then all of that felt shallow and made me question why I let anyone in my world at all. Ever?
In person, people hurt you. In the anonymity of the internet, emails, blogs, books, media, there is just no real human touch. I was completely crushed by that separation and void today. I both fear people and their touch and crave it, need it all at the same time. And that weakness of me, just pisses me off.
Suddenly, the euphoria I was bubbling along towards my Friday trip to reunite with Alisha, was tempered first by the unshakable sense that something was wrong, that pain was ahead. Then by the reality of a phone call and a letter to me.
I failed to make a difference for my friend. I let her down. She died alone.
Hell, I live that way. It's Life for me. But she had tried Sunday to tell me how uncomfortable she was in her family, in her environment. I listened, I asked her questions, I gave her the best thoughts and guidance that I know.... she answered her questions for herself. She ended her life.
So, today I had to choose. Forego my trip to Colorado, and risk losing Alisha again, perhaps forever?
Or stay behind and attend a funeral? Face the friends and family, her daughters and let them see me as the failure I am?
Just the sadness of loss alone, was enough to render me unable to drive or work. I was getting truck maintenance, and the staff were so concerned by my grief and stage of distress, that they found another truck, gave me the keys, and encouraged me to take my clothes, and sleeping bag in there. They thought I needed sleep. Which, physically, yeah, I am at the end of myself. I needed sleep. But I ended up crying. Praying. Yelling. Crying.... a lot of crying.
If I lived at a physical address like my driver's license proclaims? I would have called out sick. Frumpy housewife attire of fuzzy comfy bathrobe, box of Puffs tissues in one hand, cup of herbal hot tea in another. Lavendar aroma to soothe, instrumental, soul-taming music soft in the periphery....
On trucks, though? At the end of the day, an angel unawares came to me. Israel walked up to me and said he had a word from God to me. It was the story of King David, after he had sinned with Bathsheba. The prophet had come to him, through a parable described a theft and crime. David himself spoke of vengeance.
He was that man,,,, his child was to die. He fasted, prayed, and abased himself. To the point where his people feared for his sanity. Then the child DID die. When he got the word, he arose, washed, and clothed himself.
When asked why? He said, "I cannot bring him back. But I can go to him one day."
Israel told me I am to "GO, among the living, while there is yet time".
So, I have made a tough decision. I am still flying to Colorado on Friday.
Once the decision was made, I went to sleep.
The word came next, that it wont be a funeral after all.Rather she will be cremated, and a memorial service at another time. So, I made the choice, which was confirmed by this. It wasn't easy though.
So, I slept again. I fall asleep crying. I awaken, crying. So sad. So hurt. So lost. So in pain of heart, mind, body, spirit, soul. Such loss.
I began to drive around 11pm. There are several meteor showers a year that I faithfully attend and tell everyone I can think of about. Pathetic, but I think if even one person sees the same sky, as vast as it is, separated by miles and time zones? That perhaps, there is a spirit connection and i am not alone after all.
Alone? I really resonate with my friend. And am fighting the depth of despair and crushing hopelessness. Like my friend, I am alone in a room full of people. In a church, in a classroom, in a home.
The "GIFTS" within me keep me so different, and very isolated,
Curses, sometimes,,, that's what they seem like to me.
I spent time thinking of HOW she died, her method of taking her own life. Her letters to people. The scenario, who found her. Who knows she is dead?
Unbidden, yet insidious, the thoughts churn in me. I won't leave a note if I choose to leave this world. I won't make a mess. I won't be found by my children. I won't be a burden to them.
If I do it, it will look like an accident. Everyone knows I use ice blocks for pain management. It would be as simple as "trying" dry ice,,,, noxious in enclosed spaces like my rig! Death is peaceful,,, you just go to sleep.
Life insurance will pay out. The girls can be sorry I am gone, but not in anguish as to WHY ...
yet, I have had thoughts of suicide off and on since a teenager. Tried more than once. The last time was last year. I had taken steps to ensure I would be left alone long enough, that there would be no resuscitation.
BUT GOD.... he allowed me to sleep soundly 3 hours,, before he himself woke me up.
Israel also told me God had verses for me. Romans chapter 8,,,, I cannot choose to take myself from this life. Not until God lets me go. In his word, he explains that he will not do that.
What about my friend? Did he let her go? We have self-will.
Too many questions.
So, as I drive southward to Miami for an 0800 delivery, the eastern sky is dark, the moon shifted already. I see an Orionid meteor.
Funny, i love colors and Kodak moments. But sunsets and sunrises are products of environmental pollutions. And meteor showers are the earth passing through a comet debris field,, not falling stars as we so glamorously proclaim. Thanks, Nanci, I will never think of "comet debris field" without seeing in my mind the words you typed "comet $heeeet...." LOL.. comet poop. Well alrighty then. Pollution, in other words.
http://earthsky.org/astronomy-essentials/earthskys-meteor-shower-guide
Yet I drive through the darkest of nights,, looking diligently for a "falling star" or the coveted and rare EARTHGRAZER (thank you, Zig Ziglar!). And I wait earnestly, hopeful for sunrise. Then because of my job and lifestyle?? I end up seeing the sun set later in that 24 hours as well.
I have no tidy end to this note. Out of words at the moment, yet, I know I have not made a dent in my pain, or made the least bit of sense or reason. To you the reader, or to myself.
So lost. So sad. So hurt. So alone. So,,,,,,, in pain. Whether lungs or gills? Breathing hurts me right now,, because it means I am alive to draw it,, and my friend is not. Ever.
Crushed and hurting,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
spellcheck isnt working and frankly my dear, i dont give a damn
Romans, portion of chapter 8:
35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
36 As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.
37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
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