The Butterfly Chaser's Letter

Today was a turning point for me! 

Have you ever been drawn to follow a bird, a butterfly, or the sounds of the woods until you are IN the forest?  The noises and movement that attracted you becomes eerily still. 

Do you wait, stand still, and simply breathe in and out?

Perhaps you BECOME a part of the forest, and one by one, nature entrusts you with her glory and she begins moving, breathing, singing again in and around you.

Today, I entrusted a friend of mine with a letter that was long in coming.  I began to "write" and all of the recent anxieties that grip my heart and throat poured out in a rush!  I wrote in a safe place, to a safe friend.  This reminds me some of prayers to God.  In my case, my personal cross that I bear and submit daily is my driving reliance on SELF - self-motivation, self-determination, self-provision, and so on. 

People like to mention the good things they see in me such as the Light (of God), my bounce and joy (of God) and my strength,,,, ut oh, too often that strength is "of Jan".  I end up bearing way more of the burden of this crazy life than I was ever designed to do.

My health, sleep, attitude, and spiritual life is drained by this SELF problem.

Funny, I didn't really write about SELF to my friend. He already knows me, and knows my issues and inner struggles.  No, today, I released the angst that bound me in knots lately. I told him at the end of the letter that I KNEW the weight was lifted, the chokehold burst!  Grateful!

I feel like today was a failure or shortcoming, when measured by own critical SELF barometer. I am an agressive and determined person, and as a driver, that is an asset.  Yet, today, I allowed personal weakness to stop me short of the goal.  I will make the same money on this trip whether it posts this week or next.  Usually, I rely on mySELF and I push through any physical, mental, emotional or spiritual pain.

Not today.

Instead, I parked 150 miles early, making it a grossly negligent short day on my job.  I felt led to get out of the truck to walk a bit.

That's when I heard IT!  The Siren call of the katydids in the wooded rest area!  Drawn further into the shadows, the songs of home in Central Florida and my youth rose and surged like the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir.  Only this time, it was God's Creation!   I stopped just in the path and took first one cleansing breath, then a second, then, closing my eyes, a third, and I BECAME a part of the chorus of breath and pure expression God offered.

I am seeing light ahead of me from a recent battle.  It has been detailed and threatened my loved ones and ways I know to move in Life with them.

As for the Butterfly Chaser in me?  I remember in Fall 2011, God gave me a gift of a paid, working trip from Florida, all up through New England during the peak of Autumn colors.  On I-77 as NC gave way to VA, Maurice and I were talking. This was early in our friendship.  I remember telling him "I chose to be very Present and very grateful for today and this trip. If you want to share my joy WITH me, then we can talk along my drive.  But if you have need to be negative or to pop my Happy Bubbles?  Then we need to hang up and catch later.....  we ended up talking later.

There is nothing wrong with either of our approach to a day or to Life.  Over our year, I have found we complement each other well and add texture to the facets that make us who we are. 

This is where I am in this very Present Moment.  Anyone can CHOOSE to get in my bubble and share the gratitude, love, and forgiveness I have towards Life and others,,,, or we can hang up for awhile and see if we reconnect along the way. 

You choose.

For now?  I am content at becoming ONE with God's creation and experiencing the fullness of his glory again.

Thank you for every prayer, every word, every thought, every shared moment. 

I am back.

I am LION, hear me ROAR!
~Janet M. Olsen
~Jan~

ps. as I closed this, another driver came up to me, inviting me to join him and his wife for prayer. PEOPLE- I am at a rest area in rural Tennessee! only GOD feeds the sparrows like that! Only GOD!!!

A Gaze Into The Face Of God

          Recently I had a bittersweet visit with my daughter and two grandboys in Colorado.  Now, the family time, bonding, sharing was essential and beautiful.  It was an intervention visit though, and gives me mixed feelings.  Somewhere along this path, I have lost my words to write or express my personal reality.  This is a non-tangible injustice, and THIS I can focus my angst and frustrations upon with a vengeance.  I can be mad at myself and my frailties as a human, and give generously of  love, forgiveness and more love to those outside.  Right off the bat, I am not able to find much for which to be “grateful” in any way more meaningful than a surface platitude. This is so out of character for me, that this pain alone is stealing my joy and breath at times.

          At this moment I question “Why?!” in a most angry, and wounded way. It does not help to know that I join everyone along the way at some point. I try to convince myself that my questions are honest conversations between God and myself, and not representations of doubt or unbelief in my sovereign, just God.  Then again, what is my Truth right now?

          Anger is such a bitter root. It is so uncharacteristic of me to be angry more than a five minute temper.  Then to live in a space of anger and anxiety is sapping me, when truly, I am “needed” more now than ever.  At risk of “FAILING” to be of use to God, self, or others, I am in a pain and fire in my heart, soul, and spirit. At odds with myself, I am consumed with just getting by, no longer able to even visualize the bright future or the cloud of rain the size of a man’s hand.

I hurt.

          How dumb for me to hurt. How insensitive and arrogant.  This is crippling to me when others look to me to be the bringer of light or positive to a dark situation.  When does righteous anger and indignation turn to vindictive rant or vigilante justice? It is not up to me to judge a man or situation, merely to champion what is right, good, and pleasing to God.  I do not look good to myself toting a pitchfork and lantern of a witch hunt. Instead, I hurt inside for ALL involved.

          My tears are bitter and feel like fire. I cry them alone, in my most secret place. To share them would be to hinder, not to help another. Why would I be a stumbling block, instead of a hand to help raise someone to the Light? This goes against my every calling or hope in this life.

          There is an older, gentle song by a group named 4HIM titled simply “Why”.  Here are a few of the words to this ballad:

They say that into every life Some rain must fall
For the pain is no respector Of the mighty or the small
But sometimes It just seems so Unfair
To see the One who’s had More than His share
Oh it makes you wonder why…

And Lord,  I wouldn’t second guess Your mighty plan
For I know You have a purpose That’s beyond the scope of man
If You look inside my heart You will find
That I have always been The Trusting kind
Oh but still I wonder

CHORUS
Why
Do the rainy days have to come
When the storm clouds hide the sun
I wanna know why
Why
When the reasons aren’t clear to me
When it all is a mystery
I want to know why
And though down here
I may not understand
I won’t let go
Of the Unseen hand
For It holds the reasons why

The Lord has never been afraid Of honest prayers
And He won’t allow the burden To be more than you can bear
When He knows that you’re trust Is in Him
He doesn’t mind the questionsNow and then
Even if you wonder….

Why.

            So, in a secret shame, I admit now to wondering “WHY”.  Why did mankind imbibe the Original sin, that cast the seeds onto us all? Why do murderers, rapists, abusers or thieves exist, much less go free to TAKE from another? Why does sickness such as cancer or dementia run rampant? Why death? Why harm to others?  Why the innocent, God? Huh? Why?!

          I KNOW it is not up to me to question God, or to judge. Overall, my personality is of a lover, not a fighter. Of peace, not of dissention. Of hope, not of despair. Circumstances lately have me weary and asking honest questions of WHY.

          In a vulnerable moment, I will admit here that I have physical pain regularly that is unexplained and unchecked by modern medicine.  I have been the victim of abuse, and know many others also.  I live alone, partly by choice, partly because I do not see any other way.  This latest attack of WHY, though, stems from ordeals my two daughters are experiencing RIGHT NOW. Their privacy is tantamount. This blog is not about revealing their circumstances. I am merely Processing my own feeling, beliefs, and pain regarding the WHYs in Life.

          Blessed to spend ten days with my daughter and two grandsons, I had a very poignant moment.  The older boy, Jeremiah is almost 2 years old. He is precocious and smart. He does things calculated to get attention, be it negative or positive.  He is old enough to premeditate to a degree, to be sneaky, to tempt our good sense of humor.  Yet, he has been holding pure expression inward. So young. This is sad to me. When he became comfortable, and relaxed to being in a loving, caring, nurturing, SAFE environment, he became a babbling brook. He snuggles, he is generous, he is selfish as only a two year old can be , he is lively and amuzing.

         

          But it was a particular photograph I took of the younger boy, Terran that rocked me to my core.  I “verbalized” my inner thoughts briefly, and have been vexxed by them ever since.  Terran is almost 7 months old. Very slight of build, the pure skin and breath of the innocent child that merely cries when he is hungry, wet, scared or hurt. 

Terran does not (yet) seem to know how to manipulate to get his “way”.  He lives to smile, chew, sleep, and reach out to touch you.  It was in a moment captured on digital image, that I saw the face of God…. I saw the potential mankind has. And I realized, that this is one of the last moments of his innocence.  Soon, he will adapt and surround himself with survival and vie for  position in our world of “ME FIRST”.  That may perhaps be the last gentle image… before he becomes like every other person.

It’s likely that Life will toughen him up. This realization made me sad inside my core being.  Oh how I long for Life and God to generously allow us to retain our innocence, our gentleness, and our simple joy in the simple pleasures of touch, love, sustenance and light. Little Terran looked up at me with such awe, such love, such trust…. And does not know my feet of clay and how in some way, big or small, I will fail him along the way.

Funny how Life’s stressors can prompt reunions, reconnections, even reconciliations. I felt a need to reach out to assemble prayer warriors, strong arm champions, and a wide range of people to complement each other to bring a balance of perspective, talents, resources into my recent “crisis”.  Maybe the world did not need more marshmellows in the Justice department like me. Maybe it needs less of the bitter and the fervent retalitory soldiers of self-named Right and Wrong.  Prayer and a return to the Basics seemed to be in order. And reminding first myself, then Others to practice Love- Gratitude- Forgiveness even when faced by a night so black it hurts.

In this moment, a few people asked me questions I found to be odd. They asked how I am holding up, how I am taking things, how and I doing?  My answer is swift and sure, and I mean it with all of my heart. I have FAITH in GOD to be just, and real, and soveriegn.

But inside, when the babies are fed, clean, snuggled and loved into bed….. and when my girl collapses exhausted in a heap on the bare carpet, with her shoes still on,,,, or when she breaks and pours the tears that are such a proven vital part of the Process…..  I am angry, I am hurting, I am asking WHY,Dammit, WHY!!!

This makes me cry to admit it in print. Can you only imagine the angst it causes me as I stand humbled and broken before God?  The choking and drowning sensations of not knowing what do I REALLY believe in after all?

I want to have the Right Answers. I want to be of great help and service. I want justice to prevail, in God’s complete understanding of the FINAL, ETERNAL outcomes.

I just want release and respite.  I know I am not alone, when the hard times come. People go through mountains and valleys all the time.  Like I told my daughter in a conversation about my divorce over a decade ago, “It did not help me to hear “I know how you feel. I’ve been there”. I did not want ANYONE to feel the pain I feel.  I am also not alone because friends, family and loved ones rally in all the ways unique to people with finances, suggestions, prayers, advice…. Talking to a second cousin on the phone who is close in age to my own children drove this point home. We are truly all connected. Not one of us is alone.  We are all valid and unique. We respond and offer ourselves in myriads of ways, often depending upon the stage of the Process we are in.

What am I blessed or grateful for in this recent “trial”?  That my daughter and I reuinited in October 2010 and the groundwork was laid ahead of time for our joining forces to overcome adversity now.  I am grateful nothing is as bad as it seems or as it could be. I am blessed to know spiritually that God is at work on very INDIVIDUAL basis and he has a Plan and Purpose for EVERYTHING if we will let Him work and BE GOD. I am grateful for resources of time, money, presence and history to be available to be there by my daughter’s side at a very critical juncture of her life.

Each of us will stand at a crossroads of decision at some point in our life. How we cope, how we respond, how we trust in God is our own individual Journey of Faith, Hope, and Amazing Grace. For now, this evening after I have returned to work to face frustrations there and my sadness to leave my loved ones for another chapter, I am processing. I am not very gentle with myself. And OH GOD! I hurt inside with anger and indignation and I feel so inadequate and alone.

  I am mad at God, at certain people, and at my own shortcomings!  But I am going to bow down and give these honest feelings and questions of WHY to God. I will have every intention of placing myself fully on the altar and of surrendering me – the need to control.  The need to KNOW and the need that is inherent within me to FIX or HELP.  Those last few were never my gift to give – they are a God trait. Who knows, I may get peace soon.

God knows. He knows the reason WHY.

I am including a You Tube link to 4 Him and their song “Why”. Enjoy. If you feel led to pray for us  reach out to me or to someone God places on your heart, I humbly ask you to obey.  Be slow to anger, slow to judge, and quick to offer love, mercy, and a hand to connect someone to God.

http://youtu.be/baRHkrw10uY

((In my own stubborn desire to yell YOP and be heard? I am not going to scroll up to edit or proofread this blog.  My thoughts are mine for this space in Time. The grammar can be overlooked, if you know that I have the best at my core being.))


Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Stop Settling

This is the first blog entry  of 2012. Funny, I did not settle with myself what 2011  brought out. And so far, I have not made time to STOP!  Breathe!  Set Intentions for 2012.  Take right now. I am in a limbo. My body clock is set for Eastern time zone, and there where my loved ones are sleeping, it is already Tuesday, January 10, 2012.  But my cell phone, company data, and current surroundings say it is still Monday for another 38 minutes.  What a weird juxtaposition. 

I find each time I have wanted to set down to write this letter, to have cliches running through my head. I do not feel like I have anything new to say about my life or my future.  There is a part of me that yearns to break forth with inspiration. There is a part of me that feels like I am slipping through the cracks, and in danger of fading away, unloved or disregarded. And there is a tired part of me that gets back up AGAIN and yells "YOP!" only to hear the echo in the tunnel.


  To Process this anxiety of disappearing, I have decided what the hell?  Write the cliches down as they come to me. So what if they are not new? They are Present for a reason. Give them voice, and hear what the Wisdom of those before me have to say!

The next bit may come out odd. It does NOT have any one person's name on it. Other than that disclaimer? Well, one of the benefits of writing in the darkness of my truck, is that I can get "IT" out without being interrupted or cut off.  I can hear recent voices that cause me to doubt my worth or value,  break into my thoughts all I want, but they are not here, right in this very moment.  So if you got it, you got it, you got it? (a phrase I regret to say I have learned lately). Then stop reading.


A) Don't make someone a priority in your life, when you are only an option in theirs.

 HAH!  I decided to Google this and here is a quote I found using this phrase:

                     "This is one of my favorite quotes. Take a good look at the people in your life…family, friends, co-workers, significant others, etc. Stop making excuses for poor behavior, don’t accept less than what you deserve, and weed out the ones who only care about their own needs being met. As my friend Patricia says, “A relationship should complement, not complicate.” What a difference it makes when you’re surrounded by only those who bring out the best in you. How sad that I am now all alone…"

Whoever "they" are have been known to say "if you look long enough, you can find at least one person to agree with you. (good or bad)".  This is demonstrated here.  The whole phrase is terrible that it exists. But poignant in that it fits me right now.


B) Don't settle.

  When my girls were at home, it seems money was always tight. Even when it was a two parent household, the challenges were there, just different.  Certainly, once I was a single mom of two active, high-achieving high schoolers, I failed to provide hamburger meat for the Hamburger Helper.  We shopped at thrift sometimes. 

When we did save and come up with money to buy new?  I would tell the girls to get what they wanted, for instance, a new outfit, shoes, uniform.  I would say, "Don't settle. Go for the one you SEE in your heart."


Lately, in Life, I feel in my gut like I have settled. And it eats at me.  I work at a job I love, but that goes nowhere. I am tired, often sick in my body, and no "fix". I am weary in my soul, and I am so far depleted, that a quick dip, no longer refills me. I am left hungry for ALL.  I give and I give,,,, and I give of my heart, my time, my resources, my optimism and it just gets taken, taken, taken.... and I am the one left wrung out and hurting.  Stop settling.


C)  "You push me away a little more every day. Soon, I will be gone, and you will not even have to say goodbye."


  I gave in to pressures of voice, of Life, of work, of Indecision and somehow, I have strayed from nurturing those that DO love me, those that DO have concern for me, those that DO stand the test of time, for better or for worse.  One instance that comes to mind, is I followed a suggestion that rubbed me wrong from the second I heard it, but I did it anyway.  And in the beginning, it seemed to work.  As time has gone by?  I see that I was the clown, and the only one left holding the  fake, plastic flower was me.

What do I mean?  It is my personal way of being ME, but I make those I care about my priority.  I put "me" aside, to be sure their needs (and wants) are met first, me last.   When a person I care about takes time from their day to call, email, text, or reach out, I see it as a GIFT they have chosen to give to ME.

Two things here - 1) that courtesy is not often returned, So I guess the Golden Rule is a pretty ball of fluff?  and 2)  when I took the suggestion and stopped being available on a whim?  Well, guess what?  All that happened was ______________.

Silence. I now have LESS THAN the little bit I had when I began this little experiment. Now I have to see if it is too late to make amends (with my daughters) and if they will "work me in" again?  At least I had SOMETHING, which is more than the NOTHING I have now.


It was easy for others to say goodbye.  I seem to hold on too long. I am the fool here.


D) "What am I holding onto that is no longer serving me?"

WOW!!!  OMG!!! I LOVED THIS QUOTE FROM DAVID JI and DAVID SIMON of the CHOPRA CENTER!!!!!   

It hit me over and over and OVER again like a punch between the eyes!  I very greatly appreciated the check up in meditations and prayers!

Using this phrase, I culled my contact list. If someone was not motivating, loving, inspiring, nurturing or encouraging me?  I took them off my  contacts list. And if I was not offering the same to them? I also took them out of my personal address books.

It was liberating to surround myself with positive people that only had my GOOD at their heart and purpose!  I grew SO MUCH in 2010 and 2011.

Along the way, I am finding I have negative people, people that hurt me, or make me feel "less than" on my list now. And I just want that to improve. I don't want the ugly separation process again. For some reason, it is more personal this time.  I find myself holding on after all, waiting for Time and Process and Improvement.  Only to realise?  I am standing alone.

Know what I wish I had?  More prayer WARRIORS.  Less judgements.  Less conditions "I'll only keep you around if you do X".  Less restrictions on the natural high that flows from so deep within my soul like a bubbling stream!!!  I want to be free to love, to like, to BE who I am... which is always ,,, when I return to the REAL ME?  I am light, I am love, I am hope, I am faith, I am joyfull and I BELIEVE!!!

My desire for 2012 and any future going forth, is  new and current people to be the recipients of my natural light and love,,, and to receive from them the same infusion into my banks.

What am I holding onto that is no longer serving me?  It is not just a person (s), it is things (as in my storage shed), it is traditions, it is the ill health, and the dis-ease in my spirit. 


E) It's a long way up, when you're coming from Nowhere.

Just think, as long as I have breath within me?  My optimism, my hope, my natural LIGHT looks UP and I see POSSIBILITIES and POTENTIAL in people, situations, and LIFE.   

Just keep going,,, just keep going..... just keep going. 


F) Just breathe.

'Nuff said.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

My intentions and desires for the near future, may  not be a list or clear to anyone. I do know, I want to love... and be loved.  I want to give.... and to receive.   I want to encourage...... and be encouraged. These traits are essential to me and my glow that catches stranger's eye on contact. What do I have that shines so brilliant from within? LOVE. It's not rocket science. It is plain me.

I don't want to just stuff my light and happy self down to just get by or get along.  I want to bring my light OUT to play again, and I want to surround myself with those who want to join me, not crush me.

I'm not dumb, less than... I'm not bitter.  And I am not sick.  I have MUCH to be thankful for and I CHOOSE to CHAMPION what is GOOD, RIGHT, and of WORTH.

I want to be my wild, intrinsically passionate ME... which is happy, positive, upbeat, and an overcomer!

I want to LOVE- all.  Foremost, LOVE GOD!   LIFE!  My friends and family.  My church. My job. My opportunities. My blessings. My lessons.

My Intention, then, is to STOP SETTLING, and start LOVING, LIVING, BEING the glorious gifted person God ordained me to be.

Of whom much is given, much is required----  I have an excess... and it is time to let my ROAR out and reach to those around me and to LIVE!

Love. Gratitude. Forgiveness.  For me, and for others.  End of story. No options. Not multiple choice... just DO IT!


Letting go, letting in, letting out,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Things That Fill My Cup

As the 2011 holiday season approaches, I look at where I have been in years past. Glean the lessons contained in the Journey, and pray that going forward, I walk in grace and new life. 

Reminded of a  song "Another Try", it says:


All the things I've felt and never shared
All the times that she was lonely with me there
Tears I wouldn't let fall from my eyes
And how I let her go without a fight
The reasons I'm alone, I know by heart
But I don't wanna spend forever in the dark
I swear next time I'll hang on for dear life
If love ever gives me another try
There's no changing things that we regret
The best that we can hope for is one more chance.

This past year has shown me that there is love in many forms, many surprises, many chances. Close or extended family, old friends, new friends, those you let in and choose to spend time with, those that spend time with you.....  it has been a welcome lesson to learn to let love BE, in all its ways of showing up. I learned this year that "angels walk the earth as women and men".

As the normal has it, I spend the Thanksgiving holiday on my own. It's different this year, because there's a  Knowing that there are many blessings around me, through me, and in me. 

I've been alone a long time though, and the reasons why, I do know by heart.  I don't want to stay there, instead, it is worth the wait and worth the work to give Life in all its offerings "Another Try".

My gratitude list for this holiday season is triumphed in this old blog entry, included below. It also is in the right here, right now, with the new men and women that have joined along in the Journey since I first wrote in May.

Giving life,and the people in it Another Try.
With courage and hope,
~J~
==================================================================

Sunday, May 22, 2011

WOW!!! I have to say that again, WOW!!

Earlier this week, I received a very gracious invitation to drop by into a friend's Florida vacation and family get- together. I promptly used my word prowess to convince work that I needed the weekend off duty for a "family reunion". Truth :)


As a truck driver, miles to a destination are relative. Some I get paid to perform. Some I pay to execute. My excitement affects my overall mood. This weekend, I enjoyed a bonanza of reunions from the full out surprise, to the carefully established. I stayed with my best friend Friday, Saturday and today, but only got to sit down to share a meal and fellowship today. She was out of town all weekend herself, giving me free rein of her home. That's love.


At least one of each - the friend I saw 2 weeks ago. The friends I saw sometime so far this year. The friends I saw 10 years ago. The friends I saw 25 years ago. The family I had yet to meet. The internet connection I nurtured 5 years and finally met in person today.


Blessed with free lodging and respite, I based out these visits out of Osceola County. My friends and their families were primarily in Polk and Lake Counties. From laughter that hurt my sides and made my face red, to those precious moments that catch your breath and skip your heart's beat, to the body's overflow of a teardrop's course, I travelled 600 miles IN MY CAR in 3 days to too many loving arms to mention.


Over 300 miles in my truck on Friday, and 700 miles coming up in my semi on Monday. Whew, a bit daunting.


I go from solitude in my truck, to two weekends in a row of full out LOVE and embraces. I am a bit soggy and squishy in the love department right now. Like sleep hours, do you ever wish you could bank the hugs up for a starless night?


Ever notice? People want to bless you. One of the first things they think of is to feed you. And trust me, home cooked meals, fellowship, and camaraderie are gifts! But to see as many friends as I did in the past three days? It felt like a Progressive dinner. Everyone wants to feed me, and feels offended if you just ate. LOL.

 People are just sweet like that. And it comes in waves, and very grateful for every presentation of Life's generousities. The dry and lonely periods are just as certain as the open arms moments. That is just the give and take of Life. In my Dad's wisdom, "Some days are just better'n others."

Sunday night after the Grand Finale seafood dinner with my best friend and her 12 year old daughter, Morgan, I decided I would get more bang for my hours to drive home to Sunrise, FL and sleep in my truck tonight for a few hours before taking off to Birmingham, than if I tossed and fretted a few hours in the wonderful real bed at my BF house. This way, it is cooler driving (no car a/c), if I have car troubles, I have time to resolve them and not be late to work, and I think I can let my mental guard down at the end to REST better, knowing all I have to do is show up to work.


Sitting out by ponds, on patios and porches, by myself and with groups of people, extremely at ease and in my element, all five senses were innundated with the sensations of what one could only call "home". The crickets, owls, scented breezes, buzzing bugs, ebb and flow of conversations and of God- moments, cloud animals drifting, and Central Florida's omnipresent humidity just made the welcome of blanketing memories fill the tanks for the times ahead. Reminded of the oil lamps in the temples. Full, from the inside out, keep the lamps trimmed and burning.


Since many of the get togethers were of a "reunion" or meet and greet in nature, the same questions were asked over and over and over again. I could get tired of it. But, instead, I know that being a female truck driver holds a mystique, and it is my gift to the world to be able to put someone in the driver's seat to share my adventures and explorations. God gave me wings and wheels, I can pass it along. It is my joy to do so and I never weary of the questions and discoveries.


Last night though, surrounded in roomful of loving people, in a quiet moment where I was present, but it was not my turn to speak, I felt a peaceful knowing go through my marrow. No one asked me this one question all weekend, but I came away with a self-knowledge.


I am cool with me.


I am comfortable in my own skin.


I am WHOLE.


The recent years when I was unhappy or pressed down? That was the foreign land to me. My personal normal is to be ON FIRE for life and for God. To have been given multiple second chances? To have been demonstrated mercy and grace from God and his ambassadors here on the earthly realm? These love offerings fueled my resident fires.


At my lowest points in the past few years, I may have been nearly extiguished. A smoking flax He will not put out, nor will he break the tender, bruised reed. (paraphrased) But inside me smoldered my passions, my calling, the reason for it all!


To have been reborn and stirred anew is invigorating!


The days may be hot, but I am one cool lion. And I feel a serious R-O-A-R coming on. Lookout!


One provoked lamb,


Jan M. Olsen
~J


I tried to sum my heart's view point up on Facebook, but only those who were with me, get the full impact :


I love how we are all connected. Sometimes, there is a heart bond. It's alot like the warmth that family brings into your spirit. An acceptance and a Knowing. A place of safety, love, and stability. This can be from blood relations or those wonderful souls that graft you in. Being back in my hometown area of Polk County has been a flood of love and joy. My cup runneth over. So blessed.

Crawl Before You Run

This past weekend God blessed me in an abundance.  At 11:26am, July 7, 2011 my youngest daughter, Alisha, gave birth to my second grandson, Terran Johnson.  They live in Pueblo, Colorado some 2,000 miles from where I park my car in South Florida.

From Alisha's high school graduation until some point of 2010 we were estranged.  There were years I did not know where she lived, how she was doing, or any communications at all.  In travelling with my job, I literally drove through her town and did not have an inkling we were within the same state.

2010 marked the beginnings of a season I named Reunion, Reconcilliation, Reconnection.  In October 2010, I was invited to fly to Colorado to meet my first grandson, Jeremiah.  He was already 7 months old at that time, and my daughter was 21 years old.

It has been said, do not judge another until you walk a mile in their shoes.  I choose not to judge at all.  I do not judge my daughter or her family.  I am learning to judge myself less.  I am blessed to be aware, to make choices, and to align myself with precious men and women of a like faith. I have assembled a list of warriors who do not judge me, rather they encourage, nurture, love and inspire me. Humbling progress in all aspects of my Journey, I am buzzing with enthusiasm with every beep of my heart.

Also, I come from a very fervent belief in God and his attributes.  It has only been in the past year, though, that I allowed the truths to extend to myself and radiate outward to others.  Things like love, gratitude, forgiveness.  I knew the words. I practiced them in a limited, case by case way.  I did not fully appreciate the literal meaning, nor did I live it in thought, word, or deed.  A lot of time has gone by, walking in a fog of pain and missed moments.  That time will not return to me, no matter how I dwell on it.  Today, however, is here and I embrace it.  Fully exploring and employing love, gratitude, and forgiveness, I choose to go ahead into the future with new optimism and creative purpose.

This recent trip to see my family in Colorado was amazing.  New births and new beginnings to be celebrated. Connecting dots with all my senses.  Exchanging hugs, sharing meals, heartwarming talks from deep within us,  my daughter and I  bonded again.


Wonderous gifts to be given, I was allowed the privilege of  dressing newborn infant Terran and wrapping him in a swaddling blanket, I placed him in his mother's arms to be nursed before going home, I was able to breathe his sweetness in during his FIRST 24 HOURS on this earth. I accompanied them in the elevator as they left the hospital and helped adjust the buckles securing his carseat for their ride home to his daddy and brother. Tender moments that only come once in a lifetime.


 Playing with 16 month old Jeremiah and enjoying his childhood developments made this NanaJ very happy and warm inside.  I think of it as going to the fuel pumps and turning the pump to *on*, setting the nozzle to run full speed, and leaving it in the tank until it clicks when capacity has been reached.  My "love tank" has received an infilling, for that I am so grateful.

Yet, I saw the new baby an estimated 4 hours, and Jeremiah perhaps 3 hours in a time period of 48 hours.  There is still progress to be made in reconcilliation with Alisha's husband.  The relationship with my daughter improves with every text, phone call, email, or visit, but it is a process that is unfolding over time and careful nurturing on all parts.

I have people in my corner that are offended by how little I was able to see my family. When you look at numbers? In black and white, the money and time resources spent to travel and visit do not have a reasonable return in the opposite column on the chart.

What is important to note? I AM BLESSED!  I AM GRATEFUL.  I SEE PROGRESS.  I EXCHANGE LOVE, GRATITUDE, AND FORGIVENESS IN A FLOW IN AND OUT OF ME.

So while I did not stay in their home, or spend full days inside of their world?  While we met at hospitals,  motels and resteraunts and had to go out to shop or hang out?  I very much consider this trip  a resounding success!  We made inroads into reconcilliation.  Alisha and I discussed potential offers for how her husband Tony and I might connect in the future.

I am asking my friends to not see this as time or money wasted. Do not be indignant on my behalf.  Celebrate progress with me.  Moments seized and enjoyed to their fullest, just as they presented themselves.

Jeremiah had to learn something important. Terran will follow in his time.  God will facilitate the future. The lesson to be gleaned here?  Is to crawl before walking.  Walk before running. 

From zero communication with this branch of my immediate family, to crawling by long distance communications, to walking long months between visits for a few hours of tank refilling, to possible future of running around for days I am very grateful and pleased to chart our progress.

For now? I am content to crawl and take tentaive steps. Every time we reach out, we let go of the edge and gain our balance, preparing for that next step. I am so blessed and so very, very grateful for this gift of opportunity.

Thank you to God for all source.  Thank you to my friends and family for support and prayers. Thank you to Alisha for sharing this chapter of life with your family. Thank you to me for working through the process and for being open to healing and new life of all kinds.

Pacing myself,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Exploring The Deeper Portions Of Connection

March 17, 2011, Thursday


Return from Pueblo to Florida

A quote from the book I picked up at a thrift store in Colorado Springs for twenty-five cents, has once again stirred my compassion and inspiration. It fits so well with this trip.

“…. A human thread now linked her to the life we all share. It is this connection we crave the most. But it is up to us to find the will to weave the first strand.” Deepak Chopra in “The Deeper Wound”.

Prior to the trip planning, I named these visits to connect with my youngest daughter Alisha and her immediate family in Pueblo as Reunion, Reconciliation, and Reconnection. They are chapters in the book that is ever being written between a minimum of four living generations of my direct family line. My parents, myself, my daughters, and now my grandchildren are living in a time of shift and of Change.

As individuals, ever in a constant state of flux, we adapt, we discard, and we tend to seek new comfort zones. We close out old, unprofitable relationships with people, places, things and we create new identities every day. When we are pure and honest in our intentions, these graft in the surrounding world to reflect the authentic self within each of us.

It is at times of diversity and of separation that we may feel less connected to others than usual. Humans created to be social beings, resist these shifts and may view them as losses to be grieved over. Perhaps we may fight to maintain the status quo in order to stay with what we know or perceive. It is in these experiences of trial and error that we grow. Yet, no matter how dark the circumstances seem to be? We remain interconnected to God and to one another. This tenuous thread of Connection is a lifeline buoying us to survive in seasons of growth with triumph and faith.

Today I admit candidly that I have experienced both sides in the past few years. Not one of us will be the same tomorrow that we are today. Speaking for myself, I choose to walk softly, to tread in gracious mercy, and to offer peace and my hand to lift up another in love, gratitude, and forgiveness. These personal awareness and growth moments produce inward thinking shifts that are manifesting outwardly as I began in the recent past days to reap the blessings of the truth “you attract what you radiate outward.”

When the tumultuous dissension occurred several years ago, many hearts, emotions and relationship threads were injured. I am not sure why God has chosen me to be the ambassador of goodwill and restoration? But I accept this role. I feel it to be directly in line with His will to fervently foster peace and hope between family, friends, and loved ones.

This carries a heavy sense of responsibility to seek the truth, to be the mediatior, and to nourish the basic blocks of integration of tolerance back into the daily patterns of my family. Alisha has tried to reach out to others, such as her Dad, but with diffident results. She asks me to contact my side of the family and her sister to relay updates and concerns. Alisha specifically works extremely hard at multiple jobs, and holds the role of daughter, wife, mother, and employee. If I can ease her burden a bit? I will do so gladly.

This trip to the gorgeous Rockies then was much more than a journal entry, a Kodak moment, or food for our bellies as we socialized. It was a foray deep into the Supernatural realm of restorative bridge building in relationships. One by one, slowly over time, we are tearing down walls of mistrust, pain, or injured memories. We are connected by blood in this instance. Thrilled to recognize all of this as so much more, we are connected infinitely by God and Universe. Giant strides to healthy relationships and hopes for future are occurring with every phone call, text, email, visit or physical touch in a hug or handshake.

Through perfect will of God, I have been guided to learning how to be deliberate in my breathing, in my choices, in my experiencing intimately of the full presence of every moment. To be aware of every sensation and thought right here, right now. I am grateful to many who have breathed life into dormant parts of my life. You know who you are and I cherish every instance and recognize the gifts apparent. God has used many voices, many people, many mediums, and a concerted effort to jolt me from my complacency and to stir healing in my uttermost places. He has been waiting to bestow new life more abundantly if I would just be aware.

My fervent question to each of you is “How may I serve you?” Please, let me be a helpful part today. If anyone has the courage to reach outside and touch the life of another? Let him ask for assistance. If he has extra, let him offer to share where he has a bounty so that it may further the health of a fellow? Both directions facilitate the cycle of giving and receiving. Don’t be shy. Let me lift you higher.

Simply thankful for all of the life I have been allowed to experience to date, and expectant with joyful anticipation for the next leg of the onward Journey. Connected with my friends, my family, my fellows travelers I am not alone or unassisted. This is truly a time when “angels walk the earth as women and men”.

Embracing our connection,

Jan M. Olsen

~J~

What A Song!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2diIeBEmvWw
Five Finger Death Punch-"Far From Home"

Great song in a great album, enjoy. [Lyrics] Verse 1 Another day in this carnival of souls Another nights ends, end as quickly as it goes The memories are shadows; ink on the page And i can't seem to find my way home Chorus And it's almost like Your heaven's trying everything You.......

Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them. Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891 Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 - 1900

Moved a weight around in my chest. It's still there. It just shifted. Not sure what to do or where to go next.
Was COMPLETELY blindsided. And OH!! I hate being snuck up on!!!

Wow,,, go to sleep now? Riiiiight.
jmo
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
The episode of my favorite TV show that I watched, tonight it wasn't about the murders this time. It was about the family of the killer.
In the end, an adult woman whose father was a serial killer  when she was in elementary school,  asked what was wrong with her that she couldn't hate her father?

This hit me soooo hard!  I ask myself ALL THE TIME
 "HOW can you forgive your dad?"

"WHY can't you forgive your mother?"

Both haunt me.  I can forgive so much,, and I do try,, to forgive her, even thought she is freaking clueless and still turns her back to me.  The correct order of roles was reversed somehow?  I had to protect HER??!!  WTH!

I want peace,, especially before she goes,, but she doesn't know,, or care,,, that I have ought with her.

Once, when I was in junior high I asked her, what would she do if she knew Dad was doing something to Michael or me? Her response was swift, full of venom and distorted her features- "I WOULD KILL HIM!"

Well, alrighty then, *itch!!! YOU  chose to never be around!! YOU chose to drop me off!  YOU chose to not SEE me!!  YOU chose to not take care of things.... and YOU want to kill HIM!??!  Like Heck! 

So,,, i kept my silence...
In the TV episode tonight??? The daddy kills the mom.
UGH!!!!

It's THAT Time of Year Again

Here we are! The year TwentyTen is fast drawing to a close.  I don't make specific New Years Resolutions.  If I find a trait to adapt, chances are it won't wait until January 1st on NEXT YEAR'S calendar.   Life is such  a Process of Give and Take. Truly Beautiful when you think of it. You can't admit to being tired of something in your life, without also deciding to improve on it. All year long :)

During my married years, we played the in-laws game. We tried vainly to please this set or that set. All while establishing traditions for our own 4 members. Soldiers, church, jobs....When we got divorced in 2000, now we have to add Dad's house, My House, all the Grands, and any blended familes as well.  What was a JOYous season, became incredibly frustrating, chaotic, never satisfying ANYONE, and often it called to notice just how PAINFUL divorce is on the partners AND the children involved.

Especially in the first years, it was easier and kinder to just tell my junior high and senior high school-age girls to go stay with their Dad. He was lonely all the time. Visitation schedules SUCK!!! He is a limp weenie, but  I am resilient. I was also overwhelmed with rejection, loss of the ideal of "Till Death Do Us Part", strapped financially, working overtime, then a second, then a third job.

So it became a gift to me to go out on the lake alone before daylight,,, just me and my little boat, maybe Addy.  At the time I was quite jaded and sniffed "If I'm gonna be alone anyways, I may as well not sit at the house to do it." Thanksgiving and Christmas became JUST ANOTHER SET OF PAINFUL DAYS TO SURVIVE.

Then with Lewis, and how we all four loved one another, we built new traditions!  More than a meal, it was our thing to go to a specific movie on Christmas Day as a unit  we saw ALL THREE  of the "Lord Of The Rings" Trilogy in theatres, on CHRISTMAS DAY as part of "our" bond!!!

Then,, after 2 1/2 marvelous years,  he left too,,, and the girls and I each cut adrift, separating from each other emotionally in our OWN  raging seas of pain, loss, lack of faith....  that was a DECIDING STRAW to break the camel's back.  Holidays can take a FLYING LEAP AT THE MOON!!!

This year, Fall of 2010 has been an awakening!!!  First, seeds of forgiveness sprouted.  Then came Reunion and Union. The family GREW by adding Aaron to Angel's life, and my grandson, Jeremiah to Alisha & Tony's lives. Next, Reconcillation began to bud and prosper. Alisha began to contact first one, then awhile later, another,, then another of her extended family after several years of cold separation! 

This past year I EXPERIENCED LOVE FIRST-HAND with Pastor Hattabaugh and the Pentecostals of Cooper City.

 As LOVE  was so patiently demonstrated, and as people literally HELD ME until the fear and trembling in me subsided, I began to BELIEVE again,,, in LIFE,, in LOVE... in HOPE.... in my Song - Laughter, Singing, Dancing..... in a Future where it is safe to dream, to be loved, and to love in return.

FULL MEASURE.... still working on that one myself... not holding back, in Limbic Flight or Fight.

Today and tomorrow marks several HUGE FIRSTS!

• Angel and Aaron's first Thanksgiving as a married couple.  They are taking the day to just BE TOGETHER and go out to a nice dinner somewhere as a treat to themselves.
• Alisha, Tony, and Jeremiah have made friends in Colorado, and religious preferences are being put aside. They are going to their friends' house for Thanksgiving meal.
• My brood is settled :)   Jan, is now free to let herself have good things in her life.  I have realized that work will still be here on Friday.  I am celebrating Thanksgiving with beloved church families in SoFL.

Also, when Lewis left us, my long-time counsellor and love/ friend, Dr. Isaac B. Deas told me there were two things he did not want to see me become. Bitter and a workaholic.  I promptly became BOTH. Sigh... well, I never got hard core bitter...  Somehow,, no matter many times i get pummelled into the dust by Life, I roll back to my feet with that goofy "hit me again, that didn't hurt" grin on my face.

Jaded? Yeah. Workaholic? Oops... guilty.

So, Jan is STILL working on that last one!!!  GRIN!!!!  If I work my guts out, I am too tired to care (yeah I know,, it didn't quite work out that way, did it???),, and I earn stupid good money that I can just GIVE away because it DOESN'T buy health, happiness, relationship, connection etc....

As this "whatever it is fever" has socked me for so long?? I am ready to give up....  but can't stop working. I don't know how :-(

For me to even consider holiday time off ??? Is HUGE -BOMBASTIC - MONUMENTAL-
 OF EPIC PROPORTIONS!!!

But when I received at least TEN Facebook and POCC invitations, I got to thinking, I can still help drivers get home. I can do it locally. I can still end up off-duty at the same time everyone else is. Usually, the loads are timed to force the drivers to shut down for safety wherever they happen to land.

WHY NOT NEAR MY CHURCH FAMILY AND  PERSONAL CAR?????

Then,, to get a motel room, second time in a week???  CRAZY OPULENCE AND WASTE OF money resources on me,,,, but,, the real bed DID feel SOOOOO GOOD!!!

Again, why not???  I hear alot, from different sources to be good to myself, take good care of me, be kind to myself. Etc...

Why not?

Worth a try.... shucks,, I've tried so many other things in my short life.  Why not try being nice to me too???

lol

So,, here I am. Gonna click send,, and then pack my  duffle bag for 2 days off.  Go buy groceries to make dishes to carry to the Feist's house. And GO TO THE WINDY BEACH AND CHECK INTO MY OCEANFRONT HOTEL ROOM AND CATCH SOME SALT, SUN, and SAND in my hair!!!

I deserve it,, or so I hear ;-)

Happy Thanksgiving to all,, and to all a good night =)

Jan M. Olsen

~J~

I'm Here, Anywhere But There

Well, uneventful flights. Supposedly 48 degrees here in denver. I shucked my jacket immediately from the hustling bustle to navigate a maze of an airport. Felt like the mouse Algernon. I should buy myself flowers, though, because I did it!

First sight that was independantly my own, not the terminal or shuttle, or rental agencies, but rather the first view outside, in the fresh air (THANK YOU LORD FOR OUTDOORS!!!)...was a rainbow! Everyone knows, there"s promise and rest from a rainbow! Encouraged, by what a harried local may have missed, I soaked in like an arid desert bloom.

Immed bought a bottle of water and chugged it! My BP iss high, my pain is screaming for my attention, my cold is moving up and out my ears and throat Water!! TYJ for WATER to drink!!!

About to enter Denver at their Friday, 5 o'clock dash! In a car! How cool is that?! An invitation timed just when I was feeling a bit overwhelmed, to join my daughter at her work. An answer to a preference, I will get to greet her one on one, without the baby as her shield. I'm tired, but this is what i came to do!

Still 30 min later, sitting in an exhorbitant $ rental car, taking deep breaths and reminding myself of the mercies, grace, and favor of God that brought me to this second ofg Time in my life. I set a goal, I prayed for direction, provision, God's will, and timing.....and here I am.

Open arms, mind and heart to receive the fruit of years of labor. It's right here.

Thanks for joining me as I ride,
Jan M.Olsen
~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

Is There Any Calgon In That Suitcase? Please, Take Me Away!

Listening to: "In The Arms Of The Angels" Sarah McLaughlin,,,and "Wild Thing" Tone Loc... kinda alllll over the place, dontcha think??  UGH!!!!

Been a very busy last few days.Alot of decisions to make.When it came right down to it?

 I chose to live my life among the living. 

I am going through with my plans to go see Alisha and my grandson.  Jeremiah turned 7 months old today, and I will get to meet the little dude for the first time in just a few short hours from right now, mark time, MARCH!

I am a list-maker.  So,, all this uncertainty,, all this hotwire, expedia, priceline, orbitz, direct websites and 1-800 numbers is giving me a colossal headache!!  Where you shave a penny here, it cost you a nickel in the fine print!!  I finally sat down just a few minutes ago, determined to not get up until I had a rental car reserved!!!!!!!   Aiyiyiyiyi YI YI YI!!

   Angel, I have joined you among the procrastinator ranks this time, Baby!  And btw,, i am uncomfortable with every second of it,, so,, don't look to pull me down into YOUR bucket, little Crab,, come up to the LIGHT!  Lol, j/k, love ya, Bugs!  Thanks for holding my arms up in battle, my little Warrior Dove!  The pay off is near at hand, my love!

Not much of a gal that gets out on vacation types very often?? I have no real idea how to navigate all those tools.  I decided to just go direct. That's what I did over a month ago when I bought my airline ticket from Southwest.

 It creeps me out to give my credit card number over the internet,, and let the fickle Finger Of Fate choose the merchant, location and ware for me!!  I opted for a slightly mid-size car,,, even though it will only be my daughter, the baby, and I?  And my suitcase??? this gives room for strollers, diaper bags,, and all the loot Jeremiah is about to score from his soft NanaJ - wry laugh!!!

I worked several days extra on this paycheck,, just so I CAN load his wagon!  It has been hard not to buy him gifts as I see them,, when I would have to pay shipping or luggage... sooooo,,, with supreme self-control, I am going to wait!  And take Momma and baby shopping together.

To be honest??? I don't even know what size he wears? What is his bedroom decorated like?  What does his mom and dad enjoy these days???

People??? I haven't even seen Alisha in THREE years...  from 18-21,,, I am sure she has changed.

I know I have :)

Then there's the small matter of where to sleep??? I want to just sleep in the car,, like I do my truck.  I think Pastor would not agree,,, as a matter of fact,, he counselled against it.  LOL. Tony, Alisha's husband,, will not let me in thier home.  So,,, any visiting will be done in a hotel, or out in town.  Reckon I will get a room...

In the words of the buzzards in Jungle Book, "Let's not start that again!!  Reservations??   PLEASE  my pea brain is maxxed out!!

I am just so grateful for this gift ,,, time and opportunity.  How wonderful the day when Alisha emailed me asking for my phone number.  I was training a new student, when we got stuck in New Mexico in a flash blizzard that closed I-40 for 4 days last January. Then THE CALL came in,, from a number I didnt recognize,, and a tearful, quivering voice on the other end, said, "Mommy?"

We cried that day, my girl and I,,, as I am crying now,, with washing tears of both relief and joy. 

I had faith that if I just waited for her,, and prayed,, and waited,,, and prayed,, and waited,,, that ONE day,,,

and it was worth it in the end to hear that ONE word - Mommy?

I had forgiven Alisha and Tony mere days after the split 3 years ago.

But I forgave myself with the mention of my name by my Happy Dancer.

OH!! What peace.... what release,,,,  what HOPE...

So here I am,,, under 24 hours from arriving in her town,, looking for a silly hotel to throw my money away to,,,,  not sure if I wil get to see her then?  If she will ask me to her job?  Or if we will first meet on Saturday?

I have a hope.... I need a few minutes with just Alisha,, without Jeremiah in her arms...  OMG I have got to hold her and look in her eyes and SEE and LET HER SEE my love,,,, I just have to!! It's been too long.

Then, throughout the weekend,, I need to be alone with Jeremiah,, just 5 minutes,, to annoint and pray over him, to give angels charge over him,, to instruct him to always love and honor and cherish both his mom and his dad forever.

So distracted at work today??? I ended up with THREE blue ink pens in my jeans back pocket and THREE pairs of sunglasses on my head!!! 

I slept 12 hours last night,, I could so easy go to bed right now,,, give in to the sad tears for my friend, the grateful tears for Angel, Alisha, Jeremiah and I ....  pray and just go to sleep.... I think a good sleep will be a GREAT start for this adventure!!!

I have less fever in my joints today.  It's been almost 3 weeks since I had those abominable injections and associated nausea.  No idea what my BP is,, but I can tell it is NOT at critical mass..

Instead, I am limp in heart and body.  Yawning with my mouth and my mind.

ii John v. 12- Having many things to write unto you, I would not write with paper and ink: but I trust to come unto you, and speak face to face, that our joy may be full.

Yearning, dreaming, thanking,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Ecclesiastes 3 The GRATITUDE- inducing verses highlighted in BLUE!

1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; (well HALLELUJAH FOR THESE TWO TIMES!!!))
5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.