Crawl Before You Run

This past weekend God blessed me in an abundance.  At 11:26am, July 7, 2011 my youngest daughter, Alisha, gave birth to my second grandson, Terran Johnson.  They live in Pueblo, Colorado some 2,000 miles from where I park my car in South Florida.

From Alisha's high school graduation until some point of 2010 we were estranged.  There were years I did not know where she lived, how she was doing, or any communications at all.  In travelling with my job, I literally drove through her town and did not have an inkling we were within the same state.

2010 marked the beginnings of a season I named Reunion, Reconcilliation, Reconnection.  In October 2010, I was invited to fly to Colorado to meet my first grandson, Jeremiah.  He was already 7 months old at that time, and my daughter was 21 years old.

It has been said, do not judge another until you walk a mile in their shoes.  I choose not to judge at all.  I do not judge my daughter or her family.  I am learning to judge myself less.  I am blessed to be aware, to make choices, and to align myself with precious men and women of a like faith. I have assembled a list of warriors who do not judge me, rather they encourage, nurture, love and inspire me. Humbling progress in all aspects of my Journey, I am buzzing with enthusiasm with every beep of my heart.

Also, I come from a very fervent belief in God and his attributes.  It has only been in the past year, though, that I allowed the truths to extend to myself and radiate outward to others.  Things like love, gratitude, forgiveness.  I knew the words. I practiced them in a limited, case by case way.  I did not fully appreciate the literal meaning, nor did I live it in thought, word, or deed.  A lot of time has gone by, walking in a fog of pain and missed moments.  That time will not return to me, no matter how I dwell on it.  Today, however, is here and I embrace it.  Fully exploring and employing love, gratitude, and forgiveness, I choose to go ahead into the future with new optimism and creative purpose.

This recent trip to see my family in Colorado was amazing.  New births and new beginnings to be celebrated. Connecting dots with all my senses.  Exchanging hugs, sharing meals, heartwarming talks from deep within us,  my daughter and I  bonded again.


Wonderous gifts to be given, I was allowed the privilege of  dressing newborn infant Terran and wrapping him in a swaddling blanket, I placed him in his mother's arms to be nursed before going home, I was able to breathe his sweetness in during his FIRST 24 HOURS on this earth. I accompanied them in the elevator as they left the hospital and helped adjust the buckles securing his carseat for their ride home to his daddy and brother. Tender moments that only come once in a lifetime.


 Playing with 16 month old Jeremiah and enjoying his childhood developments made this NanaJ very happy and warm inside.  I think of it as going to the fuel pumps and turning the pump to *on*, setting the nozzle to run full speed, and leaving it in the tank until it clicks when capacity has been reached.  My "love tank" has received an infilling, for that I am so grateful.

Yet, I saw the new baby an estimated 4 hours, and Jeremiah perhaps 3 hours in a time period of 48 hours.  There is still progress to be made in reconcilliation with Alisha's husband.  The relationship with my daughter improves with every text, phone call, email, or visit, but it is a process that is unfolding over time and careful nurturing on all parts.

I have people in my corner that are offended by how little I was able to see my family. When you look at numbers? In black and white, the money and time resources spent to travel and visit do not have a reasonable return in the opposite column on the chart.

What is important to note? I AM BLESSED!  I AM GRATEFUL.  I SEE PROGRESS.  I EXCHANGE LOVE, GRATITUDE, AND FORGIVENESS IN A FLOW IN AND OUT OF ME.

So while I did not stay in their home, or spend full days inside of their world?  While we met at hospitals,  motels and resteraunts and had to go out to shop or hang out?  I very much consider this trip  a resounding success!  We made inroads into reconcilliation.  Alisha and I discussed potential offers for how her husband Tony and I might connect in the future.

I am asking my friends to not see this as time or money wasted. Do not be indignant on my behalf.  Celebrate progress with me.  Moments seized and enjoyed to their fullest, just as they presented themselves.

Jeremiah had to learn something important. Terran will follow in his time.  God will facilitate the future. The lesson to be gleaned here?  Is to crawl before walking.  Walk before running. 

From zero communication with this branch of my immediate family, to crawling by long distance communications, to walking long months between visits for a few hours of tank refilling, to possible future of running around for days I am very grateful and pleased to chart our progress.

For now? I am content to crawl and take tentaive steps. Every time we reach out, we let go of the edge and gain our balance, preparing for that next step. I am so blessed and so very, very grateful for this gift of opportunity.

Thank you to God for all source.  Thank you to my friends and family for support and prayers. Thank you to Alisha for sharing this chapter of life with your family. Thank you to me for working through the process and for being open to healing and new life of all kinds.

Pacing myself,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~