gotta say it....

For awhile now,,, every time I drive through a certain passage of N Florida, a phrase pops in my head.

Been holding back.....but I am laughing so much inside at the unshared joke that it is going to happen here!

Hope any stuffy people can just forgive any offense... caution, warning...Rated PG comment below!!

I just went through Starke naked!

(under my clothes that is).

And just fyi? I already said it on FB as a comment to one of my recent mobile uploads.

Maybe a joke in poor taste... blame it on the rain ;-)

jmo

~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

The deepest thought I want to have right now? Is where will I lay my weary head tonight? What alley or sidestreet in what strange city?

Sunrise, Sunset

Sunrise, sunset,

Swiftly flow the days.
Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers,
Blossoming even as we gaze.

 Sunrise, sunset,
Swiftly fly the years,
One season following another,
Laiden with happiness and tears.

Fiddler On The Roof

Another day's light wanes to a fiery close.

The air is cool, calm. Windows to my "home" are down, fresh breezes giving life to the stale air from pent up days & nights.

It's a day of not much at all. So far as work goes, the miles & pay is low. I don't need much. The slow pace is almost welcome. Although, I stayed in ready alert mode all day.

Will have to abruptly end per the regulations of D.O.T. at 10pm whether I've arrived at destination or not.

Loose ends annoy me.

Trying to just allow the feelings lately...to let them be... to feel them. Leaves me raw and cranky as an old sore tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

The fresh air? The tinges of God's pallet wisping the east & the west? Feels tingly on my face and arms.

If I close my eyes? I can hear the dew dripping onto the outer walls of my tent and smell the green earth opening her soil to the nutrients.

Life is good, all the time, life is good.

Jan M. Olsen
~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

Do You See What I See?

Jax Yard

Sept. 30, 2010, midnite

Do you see what I see? Past, present, future in mere pixels and vistas.

Upon reaching my 40th birthday, I began in earnest to consider what my next 80 years would be like? Cliche to say "cry a little less, laugh a little more" as in he CW song.

This year, after a rough beginning to the second 40, I caught myself refer to my list of wishes, hopes, and dreams as my "Bucketlist".  Every time, I cringed. That suggests I am dying. Although, all humanity is expiring, I am in no hurry to hasten the progression or to spend too much of my valuable thought life dwelling on that eventuality.

This I know, there are still lessons to be learned from my Past. I haven't managed to let it go sufficiently. Therefore, it must be lingering as a resident teacher until its course of instruction is complete.

The Present is at a lulling time of complacent murmurings. I'm getting nowhere fast, but at least to my view, I'm not falling backwards at a rate to alarm me. This alone is forward progress.

The Future is bright. It beams of chance, hope, possibility, and new ground. The glow of the sun rising, always just ahead of me, calls me deeper. Goads me into pondering thought. Cheers me to a refreshing abandon bordering on the reckless.

There are a few words that I have heard voiced by others lately that strike deep into my core being. With a strumming resonance, they found their way into my own thinking. The first steps of action perhaps? Abide. Embrace. Endue. Breathe. Passion. Love.  The tuning fork has been struck and who knows when it will change its tune?

I can say just looking back one decade there were so many lifestyle changes already. Divorce. Relationship. love. Loss. Empty Nest. Work. Shift. Descent. Exploration. Decline.

One thing I absolutely will confess - I have not yet embraced not having a place to call home in any of its convoluted forms.

Another, is that I do not yet abide in Christ's presence or in peaceful harmony in my spirit.

At one time I described myself as a dynamic personality. Vivacious. Eager. Zestful. Intelligent. Questing. Curious. Hope-Full.

If I admit my heart and mind's condition today? I'm sluggish. Stagnant. Unfulfilled. Unguided. Disquieted. Scattered. Tossed. Sad.

A secret,,, lean in close... the rekindled relationship???  It is with myself... now move back,, let me breathe...

An old man in my church 80 + years old,, dances to the pulsating beat of our Island-style worship music in a way the belies his age and infirmities.  Yet, his 65 yr old daughter says, " he shuffles around  like Tim Conway at home."

Dammit!!! He dances!!!  As the spirit moves him?? He surrenders that hold this temporal places on us and transcends the boundaries we often place on ourself.

I want to dance. Like David danced. Uninhibited before the LORD. In a freedom of worship to his Creator. Expressions of humility to his King.

Dancing is not only  spiritual, passionate, or sensual,,, it is a release of whatever holds me in bondage. The fetters removed, a pair of socks and tennis shoes take on new purpose.

Yet, my body hurts and is fatigued. My cogs are worn, my joints in need of a squirt from the Tin Man's oil can.

My shoes are worn thin, not from dancing, but instead are frayed from work,,, and more work.

Work no longer fulfils me. Its is just a means to the end.  A trap,, never beginning, never ending,, never attaining.

Seems nothing adequately numbs my mind. No prevention of roiling thoughts. No relief from achy body, protesting my every move.

Substances. Circumstances. Religion. Education. Work. Exercise. play. love. I still think too much. Too deep.

Crisp clarity, but rambling.

Transparent, I am cursed to be an open book. No thought or emotion my own, I am broadcast clearly in HD to all who cares to see. If someone dare look behind the glow, they see the rolling thunder & chasm of no direction.

Do you see what I see?

Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Ugh,, A BLAST Bubbling It's Way To The Fore

Ok, the merry go round of highs and lows is wearing a bit thin. The novelty is wearing off.  Always a deep thinker, seems I don't often come to a conclusion or assessment. Getting ticked off at myself for this lack. 

Once again, I'm about to just lay it out,, rough draft style. Some may be repeat, some may be new, all of it is on my mind,,, or better said "in" my mind at this moment.  I spent years just going for a walk or workout when these gut wrenching revelations came forth. Not quite to the point where I need a night at the batting cages?? But bound up in knots inside. Close enough, to anger to to feel it's stinky sulfuric breath of poison and disillusion.

*as usual, I second guess myself. Is this revelations a good development of my awareness? Or cause for alarm? Perhaps even repentance?

Microphone Test 1-3-2-3

Adding email capability.

~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

Moments, I've Had My Moments

The crisp cool of the day has me chipper and feeling bright. As I went into the rest area bathroom, in St. Augustine, I was whistling aimlessly. Probably "Blueberry Hill"?  As I rounded the curve in  there stood a mom and her little girl.  The little lady was probably 6-7 years old,, and had tears just streaming down her pretty little face.

At the sound of my mindless whistling?  The little girl perked up, swiped at her salty tears with a tiny hand,  and burst out, "Daddy???????"

The mom, looked up in alarm. This is, after all, the women's bathroom, correct?

The little girl was so cute,,, she said, "Oh, it's just you."

The mom hastened to assure her, "no honey, but the lady does sound alot like daddy, doesn't she?"

What a compliment!!!  To sound like Daddy.  My own dad hums, whistles,, dances like Baloo the Bear,,,,, often tunelessly and absent of apparent thought.

Today, the fever is making my whole body ache and is so exhausting.  But that is no excuse to ever be surly or unresponsive to the little moments as they present themselves.  Just by being ME I brightened  little girl's day,, and in so doing?  Made my own worthwhile.

Where did my whistle go??

Today?? Was blessed... Moments, I  Have My Moments,

Jan M. Olsen
~J~

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like that cool night on the E. Street Bridge
When a young man almost ended it
I was right there, wasn't scared a bit
And I helped to pull him through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
Oh, lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

"Moments" Emerson Drive

For Later

You don't know how you met me
You don't know why, you cant turn around and say good-bye
All you know is when im with you I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea

Follow Me - Uncle Kracker


sing,, dance,,, sing a new song.... so many pages of life yet to be written.... sing again.... laugh,,, dance.... don;t stop, never stop,, sing, dance.


sing until i'm hoarse

dance until i'm spent.

flop down, catch my breath..... find it in me to get up again,, dance again

damned body
driven,,???????????????????  to WHAT!?!?!?!?!?! 

jsut outside headlight beams

NO WRONG TURNS
just driven,, that's to what

Isaac, eagle, wren, humpty dumpty, I cant fight this feeling, pygmylion, classy, ocd

randy.

dad

bobby vidal

Ole

baseball

2006 - A grad yr early, left,  Brooks and Dean show, 5 k, stroke, BRP, Rebel Rides Steel Horse, wreck,  what dean and i did

otr, company, alliance,

DALLAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jj, jj, jo

mentor

training

came off otr, SoFL, slept, Addy
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Lewis, scuba, fish, motorcycles, LL,  - - -- - - -  the embodiment of MY Sometimers When We Touch..... sorry i couldnt commit to you when you needed me to,,,, you will never know just how i regret that

and altho i tell u now??  too late. 
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Angel -AMO
Alisha - ARO or just A

AMO Warrior Dove, complacent, peaceful, grounded, faithful, procrastinator

ARO Gladiator, Happy Dancer, lifeforce, energy, spitfire, champion

3 jobs 80 hrs week, not miss soccer games, band concerts,etc
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Techman Flowers, sales, growth, wreck in Longwood with truck, FL NO Fault state, no doctor followup, compression

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

fevers, sick, recurring, draining, scary

so many songs, so little time!!!!

BEST IS YET TO COME,, A SONG YET TO BE WRITTEN , SUNG,  **DANCED***

ocean esp, water, in general

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

passion.  simple. honor... God will honor his word.

weak. I am.

weak. in him.

weak to protect myself.

not afraid of people. yet, afraid of people.

afraid of myself.

afriad if i let go?? so much pent up inside,,,, must keep reined in,,, keep it together.

just keep going on.

ONE DAY.....

today?

what now? what then?  why? how did it get here? where does it go from here? why cant i protect myself? why can't I change?

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

cant get my hands clean.

strong, but not enough.,

broken. not always a bad thing, when it comes to being made a new or afresh, or being clay on the potter's wheel.... but broken of spiirit

being powerless and helpless and weak SUCKS.

being sick SUCKS

being alone SUCKS ,,,,, only in that if it is a sign of who I am,,, "such a nice person, heart of gold"... but alone.

being alone is awesome, no more clamor or demands, no one to let down. no bar to achieve except my own.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

its NOT a "Bucketlist"  damnit!!!!!!!!!!  It's a LIVING list!!!!!!!!!!

do something new which scares me - skydive, with or without.

feel teh wind. feel the rain. feel the air.. feel the sun... feel the tears... feel the crinkle of laughter....

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

why can't i die?  better damn well be soemthing good in store.

eager for the living.... want it back to where it used to be 200%

stupid stupid life.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

what's next? Let's DO THIS THING!!!

ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just Noticed :-)

Stepped outside to clear my head. Several agree, October Skies are magical. It's a few days yet until the Orionids peak.

Strolled fearlessly around the rest area in Longwood, FL.  Strangers are not the danger.  Friends, family, those that claim to love you are the threat to safety, security, and well-being.

Looking skyward, it's crisp and clear. Jupiter is prominent and shone in spite of the artificial lighting.

It's what I noticed when I wound my way back to my truck.  The engine had shut off!!!  That means the ambient temperature is between 72- 55 degrees.  I stood outside the door to my "mobile home" and took inventory,, I had jammed my hands inside my jeans pockets,, shoulders hunched, and was shivering!!

A side effect of being sick?  My body is becoming sensitive to outside elements.  Hot or cold to the touch often triggers a fever pain. Lately? The a/c blowing on my skin actually hurts,, burns like I'm on fire. Yet, I look forward to wintery temps and reasons to cuddle up in peace and solitude.

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  A night cool enough to sleep like a dream.  If only I could muster the energy to get into the bunk before my wall hits me.  Love love love the cold air to sleep in,,, as it gives me cause to snuggle and burrow and surround myself with warmth.

If at "home" a glass of wine, Yankee Candle -Midsummer's Night, and Tim Janis  cd softly lifting the air,,,,,

Will miss my Addy this winter.  Can't even let that thought linger very long.

Please, let me sleep deep and rest tonight.

Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Already A New Day, All I Did Was Blink

....  till the fear in me subsides

One minute it is Monday, the next it is pushing into Tuesday. Dolphin Monday Night football is over. FB is calming down. I could toss a pebble, and the only ripple would be hours old.  COOL!

I've worn the QWERTY keypad on my phone to its nubs.  It either skips or sticks on common letters.  It may not be evident that I can spell and properly use words in complete sentences. Truth is? I can WRITE just fine.  A visual learner, I can communicate back and forth via the written word.

Please don't ask me to talk it out though.  Phone? In person?  YIKES!!!  My thought to speech is impaired physically already.  Then add to the mix that I am a sappy girl, and while I can be factual and calm as ice in print?  My emotions & passions betray me in spoken communications. I get tangled up in my words as they trip and tumble to be heard above the cacophony of every day life.

That's kind of rough.  My Dad, just a good ol' boy, called everybody Pardner....  and shook hands, made eye contact and learned their name.  There's value in looking in a person's eyes.

There's danger there too.  Don't look too deep. You may not like what lurks behind the sparkle. Truth is a WITCH!

Personal attributes? If you look at the outward man?

Well, I have pretty feet. Scarred, strong hands.

A plain Jane, no make up or false body here. Scars from head to toe.

Enigmatic eyes that glimmer & shine from within.

Possessor of a radiant  smile that lights up an entire room,causes heads to turn and wonder "what was that?!".  I can't turn my full smile on a guy.  He forgets his name, much less what I asked.

There's a bounce in my GO!

Then we start to see inward as well.  I have a confidence in my gait, yet  find myself looking downward alot.  And OH!!!  I miss so much that way!!!

I've a tender heart the size of Texas. Easily shredded, it absorbs with compassion the cries of the people around me. Forged in an empathy, I keep taking on the burden of those near to me, and having to work to bring it to balance & worth.

Regrettably, I am CURSED to be an open book!!!!!!!!  I cannot even hold an emotion to myself. My eyes and trembling give me away.

Timid in the face of violence. I quell in conflict. The violent take it by force. And I hate to be a disappointment in any way.

Delivered of pitch black chasms of anger and self-loathing on February 3, 1991, I now flash in anger, but it fizzles fast.  I can not hold a grudge, even when it would help me learn my lesson about someone. 

I choose to forgive. To reconcile. To move past it. To find the optimism in a situation or wrong.

So,, here,,, another 30 minutes has passed, and I shift my weight, take a deep breath, and wish the words still made sense. When I was driving? I had so many avenues to explore. Now, I'm tired,,, in my core somewhere. Just exhausted and bordering on incoherent.

The alarm clock will ring in a few hours, and I will be accountable again.

Tired.....

Jan M. Olsen
~J~
The song I've chosen for tonite, used to be my "funeral" song. Even my girls knew, this is the song that just says "Momma".  It's been replaced now. Will share that one on my very first bog entry.

Sometimes When We Touch - Dan Hill
You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry

I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides


Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth
At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by

At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides