Already A New Day, All I Did Was Blink

....  till the fear in me subsides

One minute it is Monday, the next it is pushing into Tuesday. Dolphin Monday Night football is over. FB is calming down. I could toss a pebble, and the only ripple would be hours old.  COOL!

I've worn the QWERTY keypad on my phone to its nubs.  It either skips or sticks on common letters.  It may not be evident that I can spell and properly use words in complete sentences. Truth is? I can WRITE just fine.  A visual learner, I can communicate back and forth via the written word.

Please don't ask me to talk it out though.  Phone? In person?  YIKES!!!  My thought to speech is impaired physically already.  Then add to the mix that I am a sappy girl, and while I can be factual and calm as ice in print?  My emotions & passions betray me in spoken communications. I get tangled up in my words as they trip and tumble to be heard above the cacophony of every day life.

That's kind of rough.  My Dad, just a good ol' boy, called everybody Pardner....  and shook hands, made eye contact and learned their name.  There's value in looking in a person's eyes.

There's danger there too.  Don't look too deep. You may not like what lurks behind the sparkle. Truth is a WITCH!

Personal attributes? If you look at the outward man?

Well, I have pretty feet. Scarred, strong hands.

A plain Jane, no make up or false body here. Scars from head to toe.

Enigmatic eyes that glimmer & shine from within.

Possessor of a radiant  smile that lights up an entire room,causes heads to turn and wonder "what was that?!".  I can't turn my full smile on a guy.  He forgets his name, much less what I asked.

There's a bounce in my GO!

Then we start to see inward as well.  I have a confidence in my gait, yet  find myself looking downward alot.  And OH!!!  I miss so much that way!!!

I've a tender heart the size of Texas. Easily shredded, it absorbs with compassion the cries of the people around me. Forged in an empathy, I keep taking on the burden of those near to me, and having to work to bring it to balance & worth.

Regrettably, I am CURSED to be an open book!!!!!!!!  I cannot even hold an emotion to myself. My eyes and trembling give me away.

Timid in the face of violence. I quell in conflict. The violent take it by force. And I hate to be a disappointment in any way.

Delivered of pitch black chasms of anger and self-loathing on February 3, 1991, I now flash in anger, but it fizzles fast.  I can not hold a grudge, even when it would help me learn my lesson about someone. 

I choose to forgive. To reconcile. To move past it. To find the optimism in a situation or wrong.

So,, here,,, another 30 minutes has passed, and I shift my weight, take a deep breath, and wish the words still made sense. When I was driving? I had so many avenues to explore. Now, I'm tired,,, in my core somewhere. Just exhausted and bordering on incoherent.

The alarm clock will ring in a few hours, and I will be accountable again.

Tired.....

Jan M. Olsen
~J~
The song I've chosen for tonite, used to be my "funeral" song. Even my girls knew, this is the song that just says "Momma".  It's been replaced now. Will share that one on my very first bog entry.

Sometimes When We Touch - Dan Hill
You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry

I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides


Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth
At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by

At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides