Tim Janis " Music For The Heart" gift set,,, all of his music in one collection!!!
What a gift to myself,,,, maybe I will one day :-)
Over 20 hours, 427 of his songs in one collection.... not even the cost of 10 cds individually.
Essence
I shall be at peace when the lion within can lie down with the lamb.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
OH WOW... soft wow,,,, LOUD WOW!!!!
Tim Janis " Music For The Heart" gift set,,, all of his music in one collection!!!
What a gift to myself,,,, maybe I will one day :-)
Over 20 hours, 427 of his songs in one collection.... not even the cost of 10 cds individually.
Broken
With my love and my sadness
I come before You Lord
My heart’s in a thousand pieces
Maybe even more
Yet I trust in this moment
You’re with me somehow
And You’ve always been faithful
So Lord even now
When all that I can sing
Is a broken hallelujah
When my only offering
Is shattered praise
Still a song of adoration
Will rise up from these ruins
I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise
Is a broken hallelujah
Oh Father, You have given
Much more than I deserve
And I have felt Your hand of blessing
On me at every turn
How could I doubt Your goodness
Your wisdom, Your grace
So Lord hear my heart
In this painful place
Hallelujah
I lift my voice
Your Spirit moves
I raise my hands
I reach for You
Broken Hallelujah-Freedom(Psalm 42:1-5, Acts 16:22-25a)
Behind the Song:
“Broken Hallelujah” is one of the most moving songs I have ever heard. I believe that there is a presence of the Lord that comes when we as believers offer up a sacrifice of praise and I think that when things are not going the best, when our circumstances could not look worse, I think that when we offer up a Hallelujah to the Lord that that honors him more than any other thing. And so “Broken Hallelujah” is a song that mirrors the power that can happen when we as believers lift up that sacrifice of worship to His name." - Mandisa
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Where do I go from here? There's such surrender in arms lifted high, eyes closed. Such trust. even in those around you.
Jan
~J~
by Mandisa
I come before You Lord
My heart’s in a thousand pieces
Maybe even more
Yet I trust in this moment
You’re with me somehow
And You’ve always been faithful
So Lord even now
When all that I can sing
Is a broken hallelujah
When my only offering
Is shattered praise
Still a song of adoration
Will rise up from these ruins
I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise
Is a broken hallelujah
Oh Father, You have given
Much more than I deserve
And I have felt Your hand of blessing
On me at every turn
How could I doubt Your goodness
Your wisdom, Your grace
So Lord hear my heart
In this painful place
Hallelujah
I lift my voice
Your Spirit moves
I raise my hands
I reach for You
Broken Hallelujah-Freedom(Psalm 42:1-5, Acts 16:22-25a)
Behind the Song:
“Broken Hallelujah” is one of the most moving songs I have ever heard. I believe that there is a presence of the Lord that comes when we as believers offer up a sacrifice of praise and I think that when things are not going the best, when our circumstances could not look worse, I think that when we offer up a Hallelujah to the Lord that that honors him more than any other thing. And so “Broken Hallelujah” is a song that mirrors the power that can happen when we as believers lift up that sacrifice of worship to His name." - Mandisa
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Where do I go from here? There's such surrender in arms lifted high, eyes closed. Such trust. even in those around you.
Jan
~J~
by Mandisa
BREAKTHROUGH! In An Audible Voice Of Calm He Dove Into My Sea
From: Jan
To: Mark Hattabaugh
Subject: In an audible still voice of calm he dove into my sea
Date: Jun 20, 2008 11:28 AM
To the Breaking Down of Strongholds
I mentioned in an earlier email how I wish I could be in a place to attend Sunday services. I have culled my IPOD and I have been listening to the 3 Christian stations on my Sirius satellite radio. Familiarizing myself with today’s Contemporary Christian music, I also get a big kick out of the morning preachers and follow them regularly. I realize they may not be Oneness but all the theology or doctrine aside, they bring character studies that are better than the rock music I may play instead. There is one series that gave the word to what I needed.
One of the first things is that I want to tell you I appreciate you and men and women like you. So “you” here refers to a group of people that allow themselves to be sensitive vessels to the discernments and directions the Holy Ghost guides. When God says go pray with someone, sing this, say that, worship Him, you do it. I recognize that the happiness that earned you your nickname is God in you. I want what you have. Is that ok to admit?
It was you, Pastor Hattabaugh, that actually said the phrase that triggered my breakthrough back to God and the Holy Ghost. Sure, I posted a bright orange paper to my steering wheel marked “NEVER FORGET”, but it was something you said before the speaker came up. You talked briefly about the Potter and being put back on the wheel or something like that. This seemingly random, yet God inspired directive was meant for me. It impaled me to my seat like a spear doused in gasoline and set aflame. It burned and it hurt. I couldn’t wait for the speaker to * FINALLY * say the altars were open!!!!!!!! I knew in that instant, as my chest exploded that TONIGHT my self-constructed safety fortress had been hit by a mortar and was rubble.
And yet, there was still something missing. The roof was blown off , but like the walls of Jerico, it has taken time for the entire deliverance from my stronghold to reach fruition. I had been empty. And God instantaneously filled that place inside me. I know I have only yet re-entered an age-old spiritual battle for my soul. As I went forward, I am trying to behave the right way, etc. On the Sirius a ministry called In Touch by Dr. Charles Stanley started a new series June 18th. “Brokenness, the Way to Blessing”. Just the title and I had that whoa, here we go feeling. Yes, God has brought me through a lot. But at some point, ,,, I know when,,, I took myself off the Potter’s wheel, and I said to God, “Here, let me get myself together so I can be worth something to you, then I will come back to you and you can use me however you see fit.” I didn’t do it in rebellion or pride. It was in survival. At that moment, I constructed a layer of defense around my entire being – physical, emotional, spiritual, mental – everything. I did what I had to do to survive abuse and injury. I kept the abuse so close to my vest that I don’t think even people like you knew what I went home to when I left the campground or service. I musta been good at it.(not to say look at me,,,, more to say, no one saw me at all) I coached quizzing four years, went to Nationals twice, helped in the dorm at camp 3 or 4 years, all that, and no one noticed I was drowning. I think Bro. Boyd sensed something and I believe if Bro. Lipham had known the abuse beyond the infidelity, he would have taken my ex to hand himself.
June 18th message link , the beginning of the series and the one that touched me so deeply
http://www.intouch.org/site/c.dhKHIXPKIuE/b.2295509/k.9338/Audio_Archives.html
Dr. Stanley quickly told us to ask the question “What is it we are holding onto? What is holding us together”? Instantly, I was given the phrase by the Holy Ghost of *self-reliance*. I wrote it on the notebook I keep for just such reasons on my dash. And I circled it. Doggone if that wasn’t one of his first examples… talk about confirmation? Words that I use to describe me and my safety mechanisms, like determined, driven, etc. He said, “Holding on, I lose. Letting go, I win.” He said the listener may be feeling conviction over some area God has just zeroed in on, and it is written across our mind and circled in red. He was so right on the money I was looking around to see if he was in the rig with me, LOL.
I eagerly waited for today’s installment, but it passed in a blur. I was deep in thought. When Focus on the Family is over I switch to music channels. I began to pray the way I often do, just chatting with God. Then I heard a voice as audible as a conversation between two people could be, “ Turn it off.”
Startled me, so I was, “Yes, Sir, right away, Sir”.
God said, “Now, Let’s try this again. What were you saying just now?”
I really felt like I should be taking my shoes off or something, I was so definitely in God’s presence on holy ground. Driving no less.
What happened next is very personal and hard to tell in black and white text. I can say that I bet I alarmed passing motorists if they happened to look up and saw me weeping and talking aloud. I have been unable to cry, yet, here I was. I am driving an 80000 pound bomb. But God asked me not to stop driving yet. Hmm? I drove 1,800 miles from Denver, Co to Holcomb, KS, to Denver, PA in 3 ½ days. And God chose this moment at 11:05am on a Thursday to finish the work in me he began in Cooper City two weeks ago. Sigh,,,
Man, once the tear dam broke the night I prayed back through, there seems to be no relief in sight. Even now. Good thing screens don’t smear when a drop splashes on the words.
In a continuation of my repentance prayer two weeks ago at the altar, I told God how I was sorry I had ever walked away. I even got to the point for the very first time in my life,, I didn’t think this could happen, but I told God that as much as I love Angel and Alisha, if I never see them again, hear their voice, hug their neck,, if Alisha somehow doesn’t’ know how much I love her, if I never get to worship with them again, that I will still serve him. If it means I am alone in loving him, then let it be. I felt so free right then, it was amazing. I gave the girls and all my love for them,, to God. Whew…..
Need to fill in a gap right quick so the next part will make sense. I love my parents and I am at peace with them. But they both said something to me over the years that cut me to the quick. All my life growing up, I was a daddy’s girl. Around a bout junior high, he began telling me, “I love you, but I do not like you very much right now.” OH!! That defined how I saw myself. And my Mom told me a few years ago she was, “Proud of me”. That’s seems innocuous enough, right? But in context, it hurt and angered me. So all this is going on in my conversation with God today. How can my mom say she is proud of me? She doesn’t even **KNOW*** me !!!!!!!!!! She is proud because I didn’t go loose sleeping around or into drugs after my divorce like so many of my cousins did. She’s proud because I supported me and the girls I didn’t’ ask them for money at all. What the heck is that to be proud of? Proud because I worked harder not smarter? Give me a break!
It’s true, I didn’t get sexually loose. I had one boyfriend for 2 ½ years. He was the love of my life. But he was not Apostolic. So when he asked me two different times to marry him, even while I was out in the world, I said no, because I knew I couldn’t unequally yoke with him. Marriage to me is a forever thing, and I couldn’t commit when I knew he had no plan to surrender to God. I knew I would come back. I tried pot 4 times in my adult life and it made me sick as a dog each time. The fitness trainer and the two times I tried coke,, were the only other occasions. Otherwise, she was right, no one since my husband. That is largely because when Angel read Josh Harris’ book, “I Kiss Dating Goodbye” I read it too so we could talk about it. The part about giving pieces of yourself away perfectly describes the emptiness casual sex entails. I am perfectly normal, it doesn't mean I am without temptation. But spiritual bankruptcy is enough to bear on its own without personal void too.
Not too long ago, as my Dad hugged me bye after a visit, he whispered in my ear, “I know what I said about loving you but not liking you. I just want to say that I like you now.” Great…. It was… but …..
Here I was today, praying, surrendering,,, I’ve done all that before. Then God asked me, “Why aren’t you on the wheel?” Your words came back to me, And I had this light shine into my soul illuminating my every fear, every concern, every tear uncried,,,,, and I lost it. Running was over. I had to give an honest account. “I took myself off the wheel. I wanted you to be proud of me. I thought if I got strong, then you could shape what was left and then use me.” (not to say, see my works,,, not at all,,, that was NEVER it!) See, that used to be my regular prayer, in Auburndale, I prayed and visualized MANY times of God shaping me, molding me, squeezing me into a blob and starting over, refining me. I know the exact moment I committed my sin.
For me, it wasn’t enough to be loved. Dad could do that. I needed to be someone God could be proud of. Then he could love me for a reason. Ah,,,, I needed to fix myself and present myself to God because all I have ever wanted was to be God’s vessel, to serve, preferably quietly in the background. I wasn’t enough for my folks growing up. Wasn’t worth my Mom protecting me over and over and over again, couldn’t get it right with my Dad, Mom wasn’t even around, leaving me to raise Michael at too young an age while she went to college and worked and slept. They signed for me to marry at 16,,,, did they even care? I was bound by a silly Southern code of honor, “Don’t make mom cry.” I was six year s old,,, why did I have to have that job of protecting her?
Brokenness.
I want to be on the Potter’s wheel. I don’t want to be solely responsible for making life work all the time. That’s exhausting. And it’s never, ever, ever e-n-o-u-g-h.
God and I got this far in today’s conversation, kids, parents, potter’s wheels, the Past, my desire to serve….
I am very aware of my past. The mistakes I have made, the wrongs, abuses and hurts I encountered. But I am not afraid. I choose to see the good in people. And I only need those events to give me compassion, clarity when it comes to testifying how in spite of it all, God is able, present, and willing to be my savior, lover of my soul, father and groom. I am proof, God forgives a multitude of sins and loves us still. I stopped for a pit break. But I was still red from crying and people looked at me funny as I stood staring at the map. I stopped long enough to take another aspirin to push the headache just below nausea level and got back on the road. I was very close to my receiver.
At the altar last week one of the things God revealed to me was that he had been with me in every dark, painful event and moment. Every last one of them, he showed me one by one and let me see him there.
Today, He let me see him, he told me how it hurt him the day I said I was getting off the wheel that I needed to fix some things on my own. I told him I was so very sorry I had ever hurt him, rejected him. Only then did He allowed me to see himself. Oh Brother Hattabaugh, he was weeping with me over the years. Sometimes he did my crying for me when I couldn’t. Today? He caught my tears and let them roll across his palm.
One more time, just when I thought I was as limp as I could be, God audibly said, “And?”
And what, God?!?!?!
I pray all the time for God to prepare the boy for each of my girls, to start as children, and to prepare my girls to be who God has them to be as a mate. Sometimes, I even pray it for myself, God please be working on molding a guy for me, and me for him. I realize though, I am not allowed to remarry. Ole is on wife #3, but I am to be single.
What God asked me today was, if I would let him be enough? Forever. My everything. I thought that was a no-brainer. But he specified details ,,, he is to be my everything. Period. If it becomes “forever”? he still demands to be my all, my everything. End of discussion.
I am young, and full of life. This is a lot to ask. But I see now, what choice is there, really? This isn’t a multiple choice question with D being: I don’t like the above choices. There never has been option B,,, it was supposed to have been God all along. I had some repenting to do there too.
What could be an interminably lonely place for me? Just became very FULL! There’s no room in my life for another,,,, not even my girls … in a sense. That is very sobering and awe inspiring.
I am out of steam, so to sum it up, God allowed me to be broken until I came today to the knowledge and acceptance of who Jesus really is and of what it really means to be full of the spirit of God. He is stern though, he is to be the only one filling me and I can no longer be provider or protector. It has to be him, or nothing. There was no room for negotiation. I take all of him in me, and I cease to exist as Janet Marie Olsen, or he will not continue to settle with halfway. If he never uses me in service to him, if I never see or love my girls again, if I am to remain single until my last breath here on earth, I am now required to be Jesus’ only. To coin a phrase of the 70’s? “That’s heavy, man.”
All or nothing at all. Wow,,,
Jan Olsen
II John v.12
To: Mark Hattabaugh
Subject: In an audible still voice of calm he dove into my sea
Date: Jun 20, 2008 11:28 AM
To the Breaking Down of Strongholds
I mentioned in an earlier email how I wish I could be in a place to attend Sunday services. I have culled my IPOD and I have been listening to the 3 Christian stations on my Sirius satellite radio. Familiarizing myself with today’s Contemporary Christian music, I also get a big kick out of the morning preachers and follow them regularly. I realize they may not be Oneness but all the theology or doctrine aside, they bring character studies that are better than the rock music I may play instead. There is one series that gave the word to what I needed.
One of the first things is that I want to tell you I appreciate you and men and women like you. So “you” here refers to a group of people that allow themselves to be sensitive vessels to the discernments and directions the Holy Ghost guides. When God says go pray with someone, sing this, say that, worship Him, you do it. I recognize that the happiness that earned you your nickname is God in you. I want what you have. Is that ok to admit?
It was you, Pastor Hattabaugh, that actually said the phrase that triggered my breakthrough back to God and the Holy Ghost. Sure, I posted a bright orange paper to my steering wheel marked “NEVER FORGET”, but it was something you said before the speaker came up. You talked briefly about the Potter and being put back on the wheel or something like that. This seemingly random, yet God inspired directive was meant for me. It impaled me to my seat like a spear doused in gasoline and set aflame. It burned and it hurt. I couldn’t wait for the speaker to * FINALLY * say the altars were open!!!!!!!! I knew in that instant, as my chest exploded that TONIGHT my self-constructed safety fortress had been hit by a mortar and was rubble.
And yet, there was still something missing. The roof was blown off , but like the walls of Jerico, it has taken time for the entire deliverance from my stronghold to reach fruition. I had been empty. And God instantaneously filled that place inside me. I know I have only yet re-entered an age-old spiritual battle for my soul. As I went forward, I am trying to behave the right way, etc. On the Sirius a ministry called In Touch by Dr. Charles Stanley started a new series June 18th. “Brokenness, the Way to Blessing”. Just the title and I had that whoa, here we go feeling. Yes, God has brought me through a lot. But at some point, ,,, I know when,,, I took myself off the Potter’s wheel, and I said to God, “Here, let me get myself together so I can be worth something to you, then I will come back to you and you can use me however you see fit.” I didn’t do it in rebellion or pride. It was in survival. At that moment, I constructed a layer of defense around my entire being – physical, emotional, spiritual, mental – everything. I did what I had to do to survive abuse and injury. I kept the abuse so close to my vest that I don’t think even people like you knew what I went home to when I left the campground or service. I musta been good at it.(not to say look at me,,,, more to say, no one saw me at all) I coached quizzing four years, went to Nationals twice, helped in the dorm at camp 3 or 4 years, all that, and no one noticed I was drowning. I think Bro. Boyd sensed something and I believe if Bro. Lipham had known the abuse beyond the infidelity, he would have taken my ex to hand himself.
June 18th message link , the beginning of the series and the one that touched me so deeply
http://www.intouch.org/site/c.dhKHIXPKIuE/b.2295509/k.9338/Audio_Archives.html
Dr. Stanley quickly told us to ask the question “What is it we are holding onto? What is holding us together”? Instantly, I was given the phrase by the Holy Ghost of *self-reliance*. I wrote it on the notebook I keep for just such reasons on my dash. And I circled it. Doggone if that wasn’t one of his first examples… talk about confirmation? Words that I use to describe me and my safety mechanisms, like determined, driven, etc. He said, “Holding on, I lose. Letting go, I win.” He said the listener may be feeling conviction over some area God has just zeroed in on, and it is written across our mind and circled in red. He was so right on the money I was looking around to see if he was in the rig with me, LOL.
I eagerly waited for today’s installment, but it passed in a blur. I was deep in thought. When Focus on the Family is over I switch to music channels. I began to pray the way I often do, just chatting with God. Then I heard a voice as audible as a conversation between two people could be, “ Turn it off.”
Startled me, so I was, “Yes, Sir, right away, Sir”.
God said, “Now, Let’s try this again. What were you saying just now?”
I really felt like I should be taking my shoes off or something, I was so definitely in God’s presence on holy ground. Driving no less.
What happened next is very personal and hard to tell in black and white text. I can say that I bet I alarmed passing motorists if they happened to look up and saw me weeping and talking aloud. I have been unable to cry, yet, here I was. I am driving an 80000 pound bomb. But God asked me not to stop driving yet. Hmm? I drove 1,800 miles from Denver, Co to Holcomb, KS, to Denver, PA in 3 ½ days. And God chose this moment at 11:05am on a Thursday to finish the work in me he began in Cooper City two weeks ago. Sigh,,,
Man, once the tear dam broke the night I prayed back through, there seems to be no relief in sight. Even now. Good thing screens don’t smear when a drop splashes on the words.
In a continuation of my repentance prayer two weeks ago at the altar, I told God how I was sorry I had ever walked away. I even got to the point for the very first time in my life,, I didn’t think this could happen, but I told God that as much as I love Angel and Alisha, if I never see them again, hear their voice, hug their neck,, if Alisha somehow doesn’t’ know how much I love her, if I never get to worship with them again, that I will still serve him. If it means I am alone in loving him, then let it be. I felt so free right then, it was amazing. I gave the girls and all my love for them,, to God. Whew…..
Need to fill in a gap right quick so the next part will make sense. I love my parents and I am at peace with them. But they both said something to me over the years that cut me to the quick. All my life growing up, I was a daddy’s girl. Around a bout junior high, he began telling me, “I love you, but I do not like you very much right now.” OH!! That defined how I saw myself. And my Mom told me a few years ago she was, “Proud of me”. That’s seems innocuous enough, right? But in context, it hurt and angered me. So all this is going on in my conversation with God today. How can my mom say she is proud of me? She doesn’t even **KNOW*** me !!!!!!!!!! She is proud because I didn’t go loose sleeping around or into drugs after my divorce like so many of my cousins did. She’s proud because I supported me and the girls I didn’t’ ask them for money at all. What the heck is that to be proud of? Proud because I worked harder not smarter? Give me a break!
It’s true, I didn’t get sexually loose. I had one boyfriend for 2 ½ years. He was the love of my life. But he was not Apostolic. So when he asked me two different times to marry him, even while I was out in the world, I said no, because I knew I couldn’t unequally yoke with him. Marriage to me is a forever thing, and I couldn’t commit when I knew he had no plan to surrender to God. I knew I would come back. I tried pot 4 times in my adult life and it made me sick as a dog each time. The fitness trainer and the two times I tried coke,, were the only other occasions. Otherwise, she was right, no one since my husband. That is largely because when Angel read Josh Harris’ book, “I Kiss Dating Goodbye” I read it too so we could talk about it. The part about giving pieces of yourself away perfectly describes the emptiness casual sex entails. I am perfectly normal, it doesn't mean I am without temptation. But spiritual bankruptcy is enough to bear on its own without personal void too.
Not too long ago, as my Dad hugged me bye after a visit, he whispered in my ear, “I know what I said about loving you but not liking you. I just want to say that I like you now.” Great…. It was… but …..
Here I was today, praying, surrendering,,, I’ve done all that before. Then God asked me, “Why aren’t you on the wheel?” Your words came back to me, And I had this light shine into my soul illuminating my every fear, every concern, every tear uncried,,,,, and I lost it. Running was over. I had to give an honest account. “I took myself off the wheel. I wanted you to be proud of me. I thought if I got strong, then you could shape what was left and then use me.” (not to say, see my works,,, not at all,,, that was NEVER it!) See, that used to be my regular prayer, in Auburndale, I prayed and visualized MANY times of God shaping me, molding me, squeezing me into a blob and starting over, refining me. I know the exact moment I committed my sin.
For me, it wasn’t enough to be loved. Dad could do that. I needed to be someone God could be proud of. Then he could love me for a reason. Ah,,,, I needed to fix myself and present myself to God because all I have ever wanted was to be God’s vessel, to serve, preferably quietly in the background. I wasn’t enough for my folks growing up. Wasn’t worth my Mom protecting me over and over and over again, couldn’t get it right with my Dad, Mom wasn’t even around, leaving me to raise Michael at too young an age while she went to college and worked and slept. They signed for me to marry at 16,,,, did they even care? I was bound by a silly Southern code of honor, “Don’t make mom cry.” I was six year s old,,, why did I have to have that job of protecting her?
Brokenness.
I want to be on the Potter’s wheel. I don’t want to be solely responsible for making life work all the time. That’s exhausting. And it’s never, ever, ever e-n-o-u-g-h.
God and I got this far in today’s conversation, kids, parents, potter’s wheels, the Past, my desire to serve….
I am very aware of my past. The mistakes I have made, the wrongs, abuses and hurts I encountered. But I am not afraid. I choose to see the good in people. And I only need those events to give me compassion, clarity when it comes to testifying how in spite of it all, God is able, present, and willing to be my savior, lover of my soul, father and groom. I am proof, God forgives a multitude of sins and loves us still. I stopped for a pit break. But I was still red from crying and people looked at me funny as I stood staring at the map. I stopped long enough to take another aspirin to push the headache just below nausea level and got back on the road. I was very close to my receiver.
At the altar last week one of the things God revealed to me was that he had been with me in every dark, painful event and moment. Every last one of them, he showed me one by one and let me see him there.
Today, He let me see him, he told me how it hurt him the day I said I was getting off the wheel that I needed to fix some things on my own. I told him I was so very sorry I had ever hurt him, rejected him. Only then did He allowed me to see himself. Oh Brother Hattabaugh, he was weeping with me over the years. Sometimes he did my crying for me when I couldn’t. Today? He caught my tears and let them roll across his palm.
One more time, just when I thought I was as limp as I could be, God audibly said, “And?”
And what, God?!?!?!
I pray all the time for God to prepare the boy for each of my girls, to start as children, and to prepare my girls to be who God has them to be as a mate. Sometimes, I even pray it for myself, God please be working on molding a guy for me, and me for him. I realize though, I am not allowed to remarry. Ole is on wife #3, but I am to be single.
What God asked me today was, if I would let him be enough? Forever. My everything. I thought that was a no-brainer. But he specified details ,,, he is to be my everything. Period. If it becomes “forever”? he still demands to be my all, my everything. End of discussion.
I am young, and full of life. This is a lot to ask. But I see now, what choice is there, really? This isn’t a multiple choice question with D being: I don’t like the above choices. There never has been option B,,, it was supposed to have been God all along. I had some repenting to do there too.
What could be an interminably lonely place for me? Just became very FULL! There’s no room in my life for another,,,, not even my girls … in a sense. That is very sobering and awe inspiring.
I am out of steam, so to sum it up, God allowed me to be broken until I came today to the knowledge and acceptance of who Jesus really is and of what it really means to be full of the spirit of God. He is stern though, he is to be the only one filling me and I can no longer be provider or protector. It has to be him, or nothing. There was no room for negotiation. I take all of him in me, and I cease to exist as Janet Marie Olsen, or he will not continue to settle with halfway. If he never uses me in service to him, if I never see or love my girls again, if I am to remain single until my last breath here on earth, I am now required to be Jesus’ only. To coin a phrase of the 70’s? “That’s heavy, man.”
All or nothing at all. Wow,,,
Jan Olsen
II John v.12
Sexual Profiling
Sexual Profiling - in it's glory.
At my 3rd Sears delivery for the day, Oaks Mall in Gainesville, FL. I park the rig, walk to the rcvr office, one guy receives my paperwork, but tells me to hang on. A second fella strolls up, gives a wink goes on.
Guy #2 comes out with Guy #1 asking him "so, where's the truck driver?" A nod in my direction and a shocked Guy #2.
So, I play it up. "What? You never seen such a good looking truck driver? Is that it? You worried I can't back this rig up?" MAJOR BACKPEDALLING from Chauvenist #2!
Required I drop my trailer, hook to the empty, pull it from the dock, drop it, hook to load, put it in the dock, unhook, go hook to the empty.
So, again feeling spunky,,,, I did all that with exaggerated aplomb ! Extra flourish here, threaded between parked cars there! ONE SHOT!!! BAM! BUmp the dock!!
Guy #2? Gone! Guy #1 told me, "Nothing sexual meant here, but there's nothing sexier than a female trucker, and you dropped it in ONE SHOT AFTER THREADING THOUGH THOSE CARS!?!?!"
Hahaha....yes, it was "sexual".... but like I told him, "perhaps even sexier is same chic on a motorcycle."
Big nod of agreement.
Gotta have fun when Life hands you a playful moment! Enjoy the day!!
Jan M.Olsen
~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone
NO! No, Thank You.
Went to Dunkin Donuts to get a tea, hoping to settle my tummy. Older lady cashier just rambled on. I'm usually sensitive to people like that. Probably a widow, working 20 hours a week just to get out of the house for some conversation.
This dear saint though, offered me "Would you like to try a sample of our new caramel, spiced iced coffee?"
Me: "No, Ma'am, but thank you anyway."
"But its a free sample. It's really good..."
"No thank you, just the tea please."
"But it's a free sample..."
(inner dialogue tantrum moment here...in my mind I slam my hand on the countertop - LOOK TOOTS! The caramel part sounds awesome. The spiced part is fine & curious. The ice by itself is great.
YOU LOST ME AT THE WORD COFFEE!!!!!!
What must I do now? Throw up on your shoes to convince you that "NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE"??????"
what came out was a bite on my lip and "No Ma'am, but if you could please pour my tea, I really need to go now."
3 miles up the road? SHeepish....all the little ol' lady wanted was someone to talk to besides her cats.
sigh.......
Jan M. Olsen
~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone
BRIGHT LIGHT!!!!
God, Sir, You are a crazy awesome truck driver! Dropped it right into the narrow slot from off the street! You ROCK, God!!
Birdsong!
What a pleasant way to begin a fresh day!! It's is sunrise somewhere nearby. The ambient light is gentle. The air is cool. Walking back to my truck from the front doors of this Sears store where I camped for 0700 delivery, the birds put on a full blown orchestra for me!!!
This made me smile & pause to listen. Which is a good thing to do both.
I did not sleep well. Only lay down about 4 hours, and those were fraught with a recurring bad dream that leaves me shaking and wondering what it means. So, I went to bed hurting, woke up hurting,, and on the walk back to the truck, I paid attention to the sounds of my breathing... it was actually rushes of exhale to push out pain,, and sharp inhales with catches at the end ,,,
Made an effort to calm it down and to time the breaths to match the pain,,, and to focus on those lovely birds awhile. Worth the work :)
One day, in the soon and very soon, I won't wake to pain or have that as a part of daily life. I won't have to dread the turn in my cab to clamber into the bunk. Won't have to lay in bed, considering just getting back up,,, rather read or work if it's gonna hurt to where I can't rest anyway.
And lastly, I won't have to gingerly flex my joints and stretch to see,,, on a scale of 1-10 where am I an 11 this morning and where is just a 6????
Was told by the staff here it will be about 30 minutes before they begin to unload me. Two stops after this one depend on timely clockwork. This is a caveat of truck driving, always being alert, expecting a knock on the door loud enough to raise Lazarus from the dead.
This is a gift of time. He said, "oh yeah, we will come wake you up". I have about 10 minutes left of that 30..... and as I typed, the shadows were chased away, the sun in my rear view mirror is taking form, and the birds?? Well, they are in a new movement in their concert piece and I am going to just close my eyes and listen with my whole body....
Have a great day!!
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
This made me smile & pause to listen. Which is a good thing to do both.
I did not sleep well. Only lay down about 4 hours, and those were fraught with a recurring bad dream that leaves me shaking and wondering what it means. So, I went to bed hurting, woke up hurting,, and on the walk back to the truck, I paid attention to the sounds of my breathing... it was actually rushes of exhale to push out pain,, and sharp inhales with catches at the end ,,,
Made an effort to calm it down and to time the breaths to match the pain,,, and to focus on those lovely birds awhile. Worth the work :)
One day, in the soon and very soon, I won't wake to pain or have that as a part of daily life. I won't have to dread the turn in my cab to clamber into the bunk. Won't have to lay in bed, considering just getting back up,,, rather read or work if it's gonna hurt to where I can't rest anyway.
And lastly, I won't have to gingerly flex my joints and stretch to see,,, on a scale of 1-10 where am I an 11 this morning and where is just a 6????
Was told by the staff here it will be about 30 minutes before they begin to unload me. Two stops after this one depend on timely clockwork. This is a caveat of truck driving, always being alert, expecting a knock on the door loud enough to raise Lazarus from the dead.
This is a gift of time. He said, "oh yeah, we will come wake you up". I have about 10 minutes left of that 30..... and as I typed, the shadows were chased away, the sun in my rear view mirror is taking form, and the birds?? Well, they are in a new movement in their concert piece and I am going to just close my eyes and listen with my whole body....
Have a great day!!
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
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