Facing a Fear, Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty :)

When I taught public schools during the 1990's, one of my kindergarten students hid behind the toilet as her mother was drug out of the bathroom at gunpoint by the drug dealer boyfriend, and then shot to death in the doorway in front of this 5 year old precious baby.... so yeah,, kitty made me think about how to help. I faced a fear of my own tonight, while helping soothe a stranded cat.

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This  was a five state day. 1)Tennessee 2) Kentucky 3) Illinois 4) Missouri 5) Sudden Irritation.

I found myself SUDDENLY STOPPED at the Warrenton, MO rest area on I-70 wb.  When the Boyz travelled with me, this was a favorite of all 3 of us.  It has an extensive walking area full of slopes and fells. If we walked fast around it 3 times, we were quite relaxed and stretched out.

I have a few outright fears.
A) spiders

B) drowning,, seems funny I know since I SCUBA and love all things water.  But the surge at the ocean's surface terrifies me. Some days I pay huge money to take a charter out to dive, and panic immediately after jumping into the heaving seas. I end up being hauled back on the boat ticked off at myself while everyone else dives 30-60 minutes. When this happens, I usually dive Tank #2 out of sheer WILL-POWER!

C) dying alone and no one knowing I died.  This fear got worse when my best friend gave me back the folder with my Emergency contact list, Do Not Resucitate order, Life insurance, etc.  I don't trust anyone else, and so if I die or have an accident?? Only the SILENCE on emails, FB, and this blog will be any heads up. No one will know how to reach my daughters or parents.  Grrrrrr.

D) Talking on the telephone because of my stutter.

E) a lesser fear, is of cats.  This is due to being ambushed in hallways,, from under my bed as i slept,, and from my Dad forcing me to give our barn cats baths in 5 gallon buckets when I was a kid.  I just would really rather not be around the beasts if I can help it. They are loud and I abhor a litter box and their shed hair.

So, here I am at the rest area in Missouri.  I'm pretty torqued about the sudden stop to my day, a revision that is out of my control, but not one that I am happy with AT ALL.  So, I decide to find positive encouraging things to fill my time.  I dig deeper into Meditation, Guided, etc... the HOW, WHEN, WHERE, WHY   and all the many push-pulls of opinions out there on the internet. 

http://lifehacker.com/5591576/a-guide-to-meditation-for-the-rest-of-us

http://health.howstuffworks.com/wellness/stress-management/how-to-get-started-with-meditation.htm

http://lifehacker.com/5521022/podcast-introduction-to-basic-meditation-and-mindfulness

From sit  /  no lay down / no kneel... to  jangly screechy harp music with windchimes,, to  soothing piano music talking about clouds.....

I am looking at options and suggestions and was looking forward to putting on my own music cd and just deliberately breathing and paying attention to that and to NOT thinking,,, (thinking about not thinking,, whhoooo boy! Here we go!)

When I noticed Nature's call,  I had been so engrossed in reading, that it was an urgent need, lol.  Opening the door to the restroom I got a shock that almost made me wet my pants AND have a heart attack all at once! THERE WAS A FURRY LIVE CRITTER in a stall, in a corner.  I got a few more feet in the door, and it is an exquisitely beautiful CAT.   Perhaps the word is calico?

Problem being, I scared the fur ball as bad as I scared myself.  She set off an extremely agitated, loud yowling and yammering and trying to climb up the wall of the corner she was in!!

I still needed the facitily and was absolutely TERRIFIED that FUJO (that's my new word for Feline Cujo)  was going to rush at me under the stalls and claw my legs to shreds!!!

Musing, I don't know if she was abandoned by someone? Or if she is the resident hunny of the security guard guy and he shares his trail mix with her and she has accidentally gotten locked inside????

All I know,, is the poor thing struck a chord of RECOGNITION in me.... she was literally SOOOO backed into a corner, in every way, out of her element, and as fearful of ME as I was of HER!!

I decided to prop the bathroom door open. I sure as hell wasn't gonna touch her or try to pick her up!!! DUH!   lol....  This way,, I would leave, and she could choose to come out  or stay.

Now I was agitated for several reasons. I went for a Fall evening walk under the stars,, thinking about Addy and Meeshu, listening for the ghosts of memories of their pants and fuzzy feet sliding around in the leaves.  Came back and KITTY PUSS was STILL in the same place.. and STILL YOWLING plaintively.

I don't really know why?? But I began to talk softly to her,, and eventually, found I was easing closer to her corner.  When she turned around and headed my way I thought Ichabod Crane was after me with the lighted jackolantern head!!!

In a moment,, I calmed myself down,, and ,,, well, pictures tell the story,, that beauty of a cat came over to me,, pushed up against me,, twined all around my legs and hand...

I TOUCHED A CAT!!!  OMW!!!   And yes!!!  At first when she bumped up to get INTO the carress??? She scared the dog snot out of me.

I don't have a tidy ending to this letter.  Kitty won't come out of the bathroom. I left the door propped open.  I want her to have options.  I do not want her to scare a child or elderly person.  Or worse,, get to feeling hemmed in and claw or bite anyone.

My dad  punched me,, just last week.  I didn't leave myself an out or an exit.  I deserved the hit.  I definitely feel the kitty's confusion and pain. 

I am kinda proud of myself for touching the fuzzy beast.  She is sooo pretty,, and sooo soft.  And once she came up to me,, she was very loving. 

Faced a fear today.  Not a bad way to redeem the frustration I feel at having to freaking STOP driving and having my plans rearranged against my will. 

back in my truck, I am going to work at the learning of the meditation stuff some more,, then maybe try it, with a new podcast I just downloaded. 

I do NOT want to dream of FUJO's with blood red eyes, and claws or fangs dripping,, ewwww.

bad Jan!

LOL.... ok,, now I gotta work to banish those dumb Stephen King mental images... AYIYIYIYI.

Facing my fears,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
 P.s. I had decided if Miss Kitty was still in the restroom when I was ready to go to bed, that I would feed her.  I just checked.  She is gone without a trace.  Only then, did I consider the fact of vehicles and the highway?  The back of this plot bumps up next to woods and residences. 

All I know, is part of my Inner Being resonated with the trapped little animal. Being pinned down or hemmed in is an awful feeling or place to be.  Fly away, little birdie!

So Close, So Far Away

Bridge system spanning the Kentucky- Illinois stateline, I-24 wb

Passed through Paducah, KY around noon today. A spot in the road. A small dot on the grand scale of the atlas. But it happens to only be 1 1/2 hours away from where my girl-Love of My Life lives in Evansville, IN.

Here is a portion of our bittersweet banter today:

You had me from hello. The only thing that makes our goodbyes tolerable or worth a damn is they bring us just that much closer to our next HELLO. (Terry)

XOXO - I know...it seems like i have freedom, but i keeep a pretty strict route and schedule.....all subject to change when Life socks the Plan in the nose :-(    (me)


If it makes you feel any better? I "walked like an Egyptian" while I "walked that dinosaur" into the store to get my fuel receipt and shower. Ahhh..what to do? (me)

I'm not sure I want to be with anyone that causes so much destruction. (Terry  re: yesterday's fires)

My loving memories gave me a strange urge to slip through the trees into the meadow and do our ancient forms (kata).  We used to practice in our own loving way, matched evenly, CONNECTED out at Toldeo Bend Dam...
 
then,,, to move on, force myself to leave and roll on up Life's highway? Got a hot tea, meal and shower.

While at the truck stop, I went up to the Transflo machine. This scans our trip paperwork to our payroll department,  A strong, brazen woman was there frowning at the machine. She whipped around at my approach and GROWLED, : Here! You go ! I can't figure it out anyway!"

What could I do? "Ma'am, may I talk you through the process with your paperwork first?"

As we went through step by easy step, I said," you might as well embrace this and learn to do it for yourself, The truck stops are putting these self-service scanners in and the staff will no longer be required to Transflo for us."

She ground out, " I'm not embracing anything!! They should provide us with customer service."

I watched her stomp away and felt a bit sorry for her.Thinking, "It must be lonely inside that closed mind and narrow parameter you allow yourself to interact with this dynamic world around you."

For myself?  Chagrined to notice how I really took simple things like hot showers or meals for granted when they were readily available. Realizing how North American-spoiled I am? Grateful for BOTH now.
 
Blessed to have loves of my life in the then, the  here and the now,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~