Look Twice!

It has been a little while since I dove in deep here on the blog.  If one could read my chicken scratch, they would find volumes in my handwritten journals. Somehow, the words are not making it out here into public or emails.  They are, however, still tumbling out of me. Cheered to be writing again! Healing!

While the flow has not ceased or stemmed, it has turned down a different channel.  I am thinking, writing, living more in a peaceful state of mind and emotion.  I am also compelled entirely to continue exploring and growing in the Gifts around and in me. All of these changes are processes. Thus the quiet spells.  Resting in God.

Time to assimilate the new ways. To break old habits and to foster new healthy ways of thinking, acting, obeying the Call on my life. I am doing an enormous amount of quiet listening these days! And that is a good thing! Through meditation I have learned to quiet my mind and how to travel to new galaxies of Possibilities. There is so much excitement in the air with Spring and in my heart with anticipation.  Already my Intentions for 2011 are gaining altitude and I am feeling very strong in my progress.

Letting go is still an ongoing process.  I have a goal of consolidating all of my storage into one small unit in Central Florida.  Yes, it is possible that the notes from my daughter's first grade may not make it in the reduced space.  This is hard for me. Even painful.  What a waste of money, though, to pay to store paper or things that no one has touched, looked at or used in years, even decades.

Another letting go is of people. The past 6 months I began to cull my contacts list. Occasionally, I still search my phone or email list, thinking to re-connect with someone. Only to discover, that I let them go. There was a reason at the time.  I am a forgiving soul though, so it is not often a burned bridge.  Just a new avenue for me.  Life is too short to live it in pain, fear, or neglect. And I am moving forward with the best of my days still ahead. Full, pressed down, running over with fountains of love, gratitude, and forgiveness.

One of the last Kundalini classes of 2010 called upon us to set our Intentions for the new year. Suggestions were made of what types of things people might decide.  My specific set of Intentions did not get a voice in class. But in the Spirit, I clearly heard the direction and calling being placed on my life for that current moment and onward to the near future.

A specific one was "FEARLESSNESS".  When I told a female friend this, she objected, "No fair! You already have no fear! You jump out of airplanes. I wish I was like you, afraid of nothing."  While this made me smile, it also hurts a bit.  See? I look up to my friend.  I am learning how we each draw on the strengths and energy of others. Community, family, friends, network is so vital.  Since this conversation? I have lured her out to a moonlight kayaking trip. Her very first! 

For me, though, it isn't fear of external elements.  There are things I do not like to do.  Snow skiing for instance.  I learned my lesson on the bunny slope when I corkscrewed my knee, lol.  Seriously though, my fears and Intention to address and declaw these fears are of people. Love. Relationships.  Matters of soul and of heart.  That is opening like a gorgeous lily even as I type, and for this I am so grateful and humbled.

Letting people of all sizes, shapes, races, genders, religions, etc in near my world.  Few are invited into the secret room of my deepest heart yet. But the year is young. I will always have progress that I can make.

Whether it is someone I met as a child, a youth, a family, or as a single being, I am blessed with good friends. There are those that lift my spirits and dreams higher just by being in them. By their support and cheering me on. By listening.  By letting me give, and letting me take.  There are faithful warriors and there are new faces. The blessing is that I am becoming able to let this richness in to my trust and hopes again.  You'd have to know me, to get this in the spirit it is intended.

Do you still see a bare, winterized tree occasionally? Look twice.  I see the green hope coursing throughout. New growth. Hope and victory over sleep.

As an avid motorcyclist, I chafe at 18 wheels, even at 4 wheels.  I feel this strong desire at this time of year to ride hard and fast, letting the wind and the rain blow the cobwebs out of my head.  As I drive in my rig over interstates in the South, the great descent has begun of bikes heading to Daytona Bike Week.  The yearning in me kicks into overdrive.  LOOK TWICE!! Save a a life!!!  Share the road!

I can FEEL this glow shimmering around me! It is of light, of hope, of joy, and of appreciation in the beauty ever present and waiting to be embraced!  It is in moments of peace, of deeply inhaling the clear air and of sincere inspiration that I lean in closer to hear the voice of God, of Earth, and of all that would speak motivation and love and presence.

Learning new ways to let a day go. Let a judgement go, usually of myself. To begin the night in peace and set up for sweet dreams and healing, regeneration and restoration. Beginning to look forward to waking up, not in pain of body or heart, but in wonder and excitement of soul and mind.

I am challenging myself today to honor my progress, be gentle with my process, to enjoy the journey, to love without restrictions, and to look twice-  embracing Change, Letting Go, and living  Fearlessly.

Sincere gratitude and blessings,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Grateful For Simplicity

This morning, I walked by the Garden Center in a north FL Walmart. My Inspiration-button was struck by the simplicity of the barren, pruned, winterized Fruit trees for sale. Sometimes, my Life seems barren or cut back to very little. Today, I'm reminded, Spring is coming. Simplicity has its time and season for healthy growth and development.

All of Life is about Change. From the sanctity of the womb, to our last breath of air drawn into our lungs, we morph and change at incredible rates. As a person? I wish I could say I embrace Change as it would make the ups and downs so much easier to roll with and enjoy the Process. If I were completely honest, though, I would say I resist it. Since this growth and change are inevitable? All I am doing is stressing out over the very portions of my life that could use the most Serenity and gentleness.

Life has a way of sitting you down and taking you to task when you forget the truths and absolutes. Sometimes, I think to myself that I am doing just fine, at least for the moment, right where I am at that second. Then WHAM! A shift! The rug is pulled. The brick wall rises out of seeming Nowhere. Or the curve banks too sharply and I fight to make the bank and turn with grace.

I live alone. Wake, eat, work, play, love, sleep,,, alone. So I have to talk to others outside of myself when I want to bounce an idea or when I need someone to lovingly hold me accountable. Community is so key, however one finds it for themselves.  A church assembly and its leaders. A sports venue. A musical crew. A blog, or email, placed out into Cyber Land for review. Family and friends. Trusted souls that hold that remarkable place in your heart as mentors, best friends, the faithful warriors.

A very recent event epitomizes the speed of Change, my reactions, and the results. I rely on my laptop and the internet to keep me connected. On it, I can talk to people, watch people, listen, study, try new things. I can share my photos and musings.  Over a period of a month, my laptop began to experience instabilities. While I used to be a programmer and an electronics repair guru, I have not tried anything beyond the basics since the 1990s and I have been left behind by the amazing advances of the times. Life bouncing around on a semi truck is tedious. Heat, cold, vibrations, jostling, power outages... so many variables.  The problem with the current laptop could be anything.

Friends thought it was a software issue. Best Buy says, pay $199 up front for us to diagnose and repair. They came back saying it was in need of a new hard drive for an additional purchase. Then I had to buy Windows.  I became frustrated by the run around and asked to retrieve the laptop as is from Best Buy.

   A man at my church took it Sunday and found bad registry. He reformatted it entirely and put Windows 7 on it, along with Microsoft Office (YES!!!!!).  What's more? He did all of this for $50 and it was ready Monday afternoon.  This brother even drove to an exit off the interstate, I pulled over my semi and we made the exchange there!!!

Meanwhile, I will confess, I went through withdrawals. But, it is humbling to look at the weeks of limited use, and then the scary weekend of limbo and see that I could hear better in the silence. I saw this coming, and made an effort to slow my rambling, thinking, flitting brain down to a slower pace.

I experimented with new guided meditations. I closed my eyes and breathed slowly on purpose. I asked God to not give up on me, to please say it again for Hard heads like me.  I wanted to hear what God, Life, and Earth were wanting to tell me.  A few times, I gave in to the weak side of myself and vented frustration. But I worked hard to rein that in and just let Life take me where it needed me to go.

I went to an acoustic concert. I went to church. I stood out under the starry night and felt the dew on my skin. I took gym and separate Yoga classes. I slept alot, which was much needed. I arranged to have visitation with my old dog, Addy and we hiked, went to the dog park, and napped together, snuggled and sharing joy. I have socialized more in the last two months outside of my work and my church than I have in probably the last years my daughters were at home and I was a band and soccer mom.

Alot of those things I do anyway. But this time, when the thought came to look online, maybe for directions? Maybe for lyrics? Maybe to plan my next days, weeks, months in rapid- fire fashion as I usually make lists to do?  Maybe to write? I sagged, "Oh, that's right. You don't have a computer for an unspecified time."

I just don't manifest much patience or grace with myself when it comes to change. I am still mulling over how to improve this area of my life. The last decade recreated my family structure and ideals so many times, I lost count. People came in and out, homes, jobs, health at such an alarming rate?  And I was a real jerk about it.

Going forward, as I allow the pruning and shaping of my Life, I am only keeping the people that are positive for me. Whether we are bonded by blood or just by minutes? If you drag me down or hurt me, I am not continuing the association. I am seeking actively to learn what is healthy, nurturing, and fruitful for my life.

As this Process goes along, crossing the calendar years, I am so grateful to see the Progress. So blessed to begin to recognize Simplicity and to embrace the Changes.  I am not Wonder Woman. My mistakes are plentiful and painful.  I have to apologize and make amends ALOT.

The fruit trees at Wal-mart today? Made my heart thud in excitement because Spring follows Winter. But it also made my heart hurt to realize, that there is even more giving up to do. Even more Process to navigate. Even more Change to allow. And I walked away sobered, questioning.

 The human frailty of me first said, "HOW MUCH MORE, GOD!?"

My second question, almost as fast was, "Can I do it?"

The trees come with a guarantee. Life does not. All it promises is that THINGS WILL CHANGE.

The sooner I "LET GO and LET GOD", the easier it will be not to get hurt along the way by my own resistances.

So I end this, by affirming, even if only to myself, that I * WILL BE* Grateful for new growth and simplicity.

My becoming the best I can be depends on it.

Feeling Spring in the air,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Attitude of Gratitude

Simply GRATEFUL.

My health. My friends. The capacity to love. Music. Angel. Alisha. For compassionate Daddy/God hugs. For my heavenly daddy and for his lap and snuggles. Writing. My job as a driver. For teaching. For Aaron for Angel. For Tony for Alisha.  For Jeremiah.  For cell phones. For pictures. For emails. For tears that fall and wash my eyes. For tears that sit in my chest and ache.My own Inner Drum.  For funny movies, videos. Alan. Mark. Nanci. Rob. Allison. Isaac. Pastor. Rick. Brian. Peter. Theresa. Terry. Charlie. Erin. Rebekah. Michael. Tommy. East - West coast. North-South. Worldwide. Time.

For Dallas prayers.

For my Inspirationators.

For the sleep i got last night. For waking up today with this list going over and over in my head.  For baseball. For trombones. For guitars. For trains. For finding old friends that I was close to. For building up friends that were acquaintances. For new connections. For people I will meet today.

Freedom.

For whistling. Humming. Grooving. Dancing. Breathing. Meditating. Praying. Reading. Learning. Dreaming. Stretching. Growing.

For songs that get stuck in my head. For dreams with songs. For the new song in my heart. Singing to the angels. Singing out loud. Passion. Life is a song.

For hope. For revelations. For change.  For Empty Nest. For my divorce. For Lewis moving on.  For my mistakes. For God's forgiveness.

For my forgiving others. Loving others. Caring for others. Reaching out to others. Encouraging others. Assisting others. Connecting others.

 Gifts of service. Giving mail, cards, notes.  Calling a Stranger by their name. Holding the door open. Extra tip for service. Paying for a stranger's meal. Anonymous. Quiet. On the Down Low.

For the glow. For the light. For the shine. For the bounce. For the sparkle. For the zest. For the crackle. For the enthusiasm. For the joy!  For the happy!

For hair. Skin. Senses. Organs. Hands. Feet. Head. Heart. Emotions. Feelings. Wild. Tame. Brilliant. Awesome. Amazing. Gifts. Touch.Texture. Exploration. Curiosity. Discoveries. Sensations. Warm. Hot. Cool. Wet. Trembling. Quivering. Shocking. Knowing. Giving. Receiving. Trying.

Brown paper bags. Depths. Reaches. Shallow. Desire.

For smiles - Of laughter. Of puzzle. Of knowing. Of questioning. Of reassurance. Of tolerance. Of hope.  Of dreaming. Of trying. Of pain. Of success. Of failure. Of setback. Of getting up again. Of new ideas. Of revelation. Of inspiration. Of relief. Of the light bulb going on. Of the siren screaming. Of jokes. Of being impish and fun. Of silly. Of goofy. Of lighting up a room. Of lightening a heart. Of love. Of pleasure. Of affection. Of peace. Of knowledge.

For my questions. For my answers. For my puzzles. For my incessant rambling. For my desires. For my curiosity. For my hunger.

For pain. For being alive. For feeling everything so deeply.  For being raw. Transparent. Unable to hide. Open. Available. Independence.

For space. For echoes. For void. For whispers. For too much space. For crowding. For vacant, painful space. For fresh space. For things to protect the space. For things to fill the space. For people. Laughter. Love. Suffocating silence. Agony of alone. Cherish alone. Peace. Contrast and Congruence.

For conception. For Process. For birth. For miracle. For wonder. For awe. For death. For pain.

For Addy and Meeshu. Misty and Feylin. Alayna. Ally. Anna. Geo.

For indoor restrooms and the people that pee on them.

For people that listen. For people that stay. For people that leave. For people that pass through for a reason. For angels.

For compassion. For patience. For kindness. For tenderness. For affection. For attraction. For gentleness. For thoughtfulness. For empathy. For solace. For mercy. For grace.  For redemption. For more chances than I deserve.

For thunderstorms that rock and sway. For snow and ice. For blue skies and no clouds. For white puffy, 7 minute frosting clouds. For being an optimist. For hope. For belief.  For rainbows. For shades of color unimaginable. Birds. Stars.

For mistakes. For lessons. For loss. For opportunities. For blessings. For favor. For heights. For depths. For loneliness.  For silence. For giggles. For squeals. For sleepless nights.  For heart pain. For mind pain. For body pain. For Soul anguish. For Intercession. For the battle. For warfare. For victory. For defeat. For losing a battle, but winning the war. For drive. For getting back up. For  not quitting. For not giving up.

For surviving.

For mom. For dad. For fishing. For reading. For hiking. For lakes! For oceans. For books.

For gardens. For hammocks. For loungers. For sweet iced tea. For swaying boats. For mists that rise. For splashes. For tugs. For front porch swings. For rear porch swings. For rocking chairs and gliders. For ropes. For ladders. For bridges.

For locked doors. For iron. For dungeons. For stairways. For light. For Opportunities. For open doors and windows. For courage. For discernment. For faith. For trying. For door knobs. For dragons. For the Prince.

For reconciliation. For walls. For armor.For castles. For bridges. For inroads. For offerings. For openings. For chinks. For weapons. For mercy. For chances. For forgetting. For letting go. For being vulnerable. For being gentle with others.  For whispers. For roars. For whoops. For unspoken. For LOOKS. For eyes, oh! For the eyes.  For touch.

For bounty. Plenty. Abundance. Overflow. Gifts. Sharing. Space. Simplicity. Echoes. Radar.

For tremulous hope.

For TRIUMPH!

For people that stay. That withstand. That hold. That last. That care. That listen. That read. That keep their silence. That answer back. That share. That suggest. That forebear. That KNOW. That are clueless. That try. That walk away. That hang in there. That come back. That have years with me. That have only minutes. Those that pass through my life for a time, a season, a reason.

For miracles. For new birth. For new beginnings. For past. For old ways. Old traditions. For heritage. For roots. For new trails yet to blaze. For excitement. For Adventure.  For mountains. Valleys. Plateaus. Rocks. Holes. Pits. Canyons. Deserts. Dust. Lush. Curves. Detours. No Wrong Turns. Construction zones. Chasms. The abyss. Shorelines. Tides. Anchors. Moorings. Buoys. Lighthouses.

For anyone that reads this.

For me.

Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Few Words

I have had a major shaking up in my world this weekend.  At this time, I do not have words for it.

Actually, I am retreating into myself for a time of cleansing and purifying.

So I will close with this thought, "I won't turn back."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3xFXLOKKIQ

God bless.

Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Moving On lyrics

Hiding in a smile
Is a life filled with hurt
A soul that's crying out
Wanting to be heard
I've tried all I know
To discard all my pain
Will I come alive
Is there any way

CHORUS:
I don't wanna waste another day
Living in regret from my mistakes
I'll move on and the sun will shine
Pick up the pieces walk away
Live with the choices I have made
You've forgotten and so will I
So will I

When the day is done
And the noise and lights are gone
I look back at my life
What else can go wrong
How could you still love
A heart as cold as ice
But I must look so different
Different in your eyes

It's a mystery
How human can I be?

It's Really That Simple- Free Falling

,

 That blip on the photo is me - soaring, free falling, LIVING in the Moment with Gratitude.

Today is January 1, 2011. It has been for me for 10hr21minutes already. I enjoyed watching my International friends celebrate before the earth turned on its axis for it to be my turn to countdown. This year, a special treat to me was the fruition of several goals set long ago. The culminating moment? Was linked arm to arm, hand to hand, in prayer and fervent seeking with Brothers and Sisters at Pentecostals of Cooper City, Florida.  As we prayed as family units, then for one another, and for ourselves, in agreement, my wonderful church family turned towards our countdown screen and shared that E-ching moment of each year's transition. 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1-HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! 

With song, laughter, dance, worship and exhortation we sought God as a unified body of believers both  in the past year and moving forward into the new!  This really was an answer to prayer, planning, sacrifice, and a desire of my heart to be here for this service. Happy and blessed.

I'm not going to write a year in review now. I have a photographic project that will speak volumes when I am done compiling it as the Spirit directs. I don't want to say what others have already said so much more eloquently and fervently before me in this past week leading up to the new year. But I do have a few words from MY heart to share. And here we go!

Philipians 3:13): I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, (14) I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
( I have not "apprehended" or attained all there is for me to know about life or myself, but I must look at RIGHT NOW and then reach for the Future with hope and trust.)

At first, the source of quotes that I am going to attribute will seem odd to anyone who has gotten to know me in the last 3-5 years. It will REALLY suprise the people I have connected with in the most recent few months.   However, these are MY lessons that I have learned. And that source was an integral part of my life for the Season he was placed in my path.  I had much to learn. Not all of it was to DUCK!

This person actually (and I am only just beginning to see it this way) was a part of my daily walk for a time because he was a vessel God used to exact work in the crucible where God had me.  It was an understanding between God and I.  Through Revelation and Vision, God had asked me years ago why I wasn't on the Potter's Wheel, and I had to admit that I had specifically taken myself off. Why? "So I could become something you could use. Something of worth. Of value. Then, God, I was coming back."

Ah, I had it all wrong. For a decade.  8-10 years is a long time to be at war within your Spirit!  It carries burdens, regrets, pain that was never God's will for me at all.  So, between God and I, we entered into a specific time of BROKENNESS where I had to fully submit to His creative powers and ultimate design for my life.

At times, the pressure seemed more than I could bear. Occasionally I grew impatient with the Process and tried to "fix me" on my own. So glad I serve an Eternal, all-loving God who has nothing but Time  of the ages to knead and adjust me and my stinking attitudes.

The lessons I learned in this particular chapter covered 14 months of my life, and even longer if you count the "recovery" period which is still on on-going process.  And no new revelations or anything scary here today. Rather, I am about to say things that brings me to humble, quiet, knowing and tears of gentle gratitude for the lesson.

 JayJ, taught me to work hard, but to relax even harder. See? Not what you might be expecting. From our first handshake on introduction with the words exchange of "Hi, I'm agressive.""That's good. So am I."  we entered into our business relationship with a single mindest - TO WIN! To be the TOP of our field   (DM for him, Driver for me.)

As a working pair? We were AWESOME!!!  He pushed me HARD, with his contacts, his knowledge and his efforts.  I often felt growing pains as I had to build up stamina for driving as if my life depended on it, learn to fix things on my own if they broke down, time and money management.

Then, as I excelled, he didn't sit back and say "yeah that's good. Rest here." Nope!! The very next load assigment he pushed me HARDER.  As two agressive, driven to succeed tenacious people? The see saw of learning, doing, learning, growing, expanding was constantly in pendulum effect!!!!

Then,  when he had pounded into me like a mantra "450 miles a day Jan, or you will FAIL" (UGLY UGLY WORD in my vocabulary) and he had me staring at the odometer.  A 750 mile day on Monday, did not excuse a 350 miles day on Tuesday. Not to either one of us.  I had shown I had the POTENTIAL of  a 750 mile Tuesday too.

So when JayJ ran out of resources on the logistics end? I often pushed back on him, and even learned to go around him, to pull down my own loads out of a magician's hat.  In trucking, we do something called a "repower" or "relay".  This is like a relay race, with the loaded trailer as the baton.  If one driver is too slow, or too fast, the load may be relayed to another driver, and the first driver can either rest or pick up the pace in a new direction.  I became known as the driver that made the Impossible happen!  Inside Stevens logistics departments, if a load was in danger? Give it to Jan. She will come through! 24/7 I was the "GO TO GUY" and just being honest here, I LOVED IT!  I EARNED IT!

I made Jay's Board look good!  Stevens had 2,800 drivers, 700 Alliance drivers, and I was the top 2.85%.

What a team!  An earning, developing, striving for excellence partnership JayJ and I had!!!! 

Then came a day.... no new load, no repower, I was just early and had to sit waiting on another driver to arrive 8-10 hours later. "What do you mean? How can I do 450 miles today sitting still? Run in circle around the parking lot? Are you crazy!?"

After the 3rd or 4th text or email from me, JayJ bit back, "Oh GOD JAN!!! JUST RELAX!!! DAMN!   GO SHOPPING OR SOMETHING!! I'M NOT GOING TO SEND YOU ANYTHING NEW UNTIL YOU CHILL OUT!!"

Gotta admit, this made me mad at the time.  I huffed and I puffed and stomped to the outlet mall in Jeffersonville, Ohio,,, I was going to go into "A" store in a huff, and I was going to say "NOW! GET ME A LOAD!"

ahhhhh,,,, but God and his Lessons.....

As a single mom? I could not afford hamburger meat for the hamburger helper. I was inadequate as a provider or head of household. So it caused me angst to now be making thousands a week take home pay, and not have anyone to spend it on.  Being low income also meant I didn't shop at the mall at the "name brand" stores, and had no idea what an outlet mall was.  And I had guilt issues over spending any of my money now on things for myself.

Being at this outlet mall, instead of being an "AH YOU HAVE ARRIVED moment"?  It was painful for me.

But, my natural curiousity and propensity for humor got the better of me.  I saw a "Brooks and Brothers". Now, not having experience with name brands??? I read it as "Books and Brothers"... and in excitement I ran to that store first. Only to be sad when it was a men's clothing store. ROFL!!! 

But, to my left or my right? Was Adidas, or Yankee Candle, or the golf store..... and one led to the next,,

I looked up,, and it was noon! and I had a few small shopping bags. I had bought JayJ gifts, I had bought Angel gifts,,, I had gone and let the lady at Lane Bryant measure me. I had even gone into the Adidas store and my treat to myself was in incredible high quality pair of tennis shoes which I just had to replace a month or so ago.... while at Adidas, I sponsored children in the "Right To Play" program, and became a source of financial assistance to kids who want to play soccer, but cannot afford the gear (my surrogate gift in Alisha's name).

I had lunch in the food court,, and walked around marvelling at the store list  and doorways, and windows. I munched an  ice cream cone.

Telling you this to make a point. JayJ insisted I RELAX. Stop and enjoy the moment!  It wasn't anything I WANTED to do. But, amazingly, we built this into our business partnership from here out. 

That afternoon??  JayJ sent me a repower load with exactly 450 miles that I could log by midnight.  He smirked, "I told you so", and I took the lesson to heart.

So, back to work, grueling schedule between our efforts to keep my truck rolling and earning.

Another example, similar scenario, I now saw it coming. JayJ was building me a "day off whether I liked it or not". So, I chose where I shut the truck down. Boise, Idaho.  I asked JayJ, "What shall I do?? Buy a bicycle and go touring these mountains? Tour the college campus? (OMG LOVELY!!!),,, go see Transformers 2 in IMAX????  GO to the wildlife retreat and stroll near the animals??? Go bowling?

WHAT JAY!?!?!?  WHAT DO I DO TO "FILL" MY TIME OFF!?!??!

His reply, forever etched in my brain and ways of living today.... "Just go chill. Lay on your back somewhere and watch the birds play."

That afternoon, a fulfillment of a goal of mine,  I bought the bicycle I had always wanted to use OTR as recreational exercise and personal conveyance. The dogs and I rode in the truck to the Boise River Park. Then we took the bicycle and rode it all around the college campus,, and on a trail winding in and out of the woods and river!  I bought a sandwhich and apple,, and while the boys swam in the river? I ate a picnic lunch.

And lay on my back, watching the birds play.

All of this journalling today to bring me to the Present.  I actually owe another friend or two my gratitude here. On their own, through their life by example, and their words and suggestions directly or indirectly, they have given me the BEST GIFTS of 2010 and my life to date.   They helped me find my BREATH. Meditation. Quietness. And the superb blessing in BEING PRESENT right here, right now. Feeling, experiencing RIGHT NOW.

My growth to this point has me able and ready to see the Building Blocks that these unlikely pairings of sources are revealing. Another lesson? It really shouldn't be suprising me,,, maybe it will become less of a suprise, and more of and expectant awareness?  But learning also the "CONNECTEDness we all share, if we realize and honor that.

Perhaps, JayJ and the trials and victories we went through as DM/Driver, and as Jay the man/ Jan the woman really were to my greater good?

If I am to a place, today, a gentle, forgiving Knowing... a loving Gratitude to God my Creator of ALLOWING me to know JayJ and to learn to CHILL JAN?  Then  perhaps it prepared me to hear "Pay attention to your breath, one thing at a time."

Building Blocks. Someone greater than I , all eternal had a plan and course for me all along.

He really did have his eye on the sparrow the whole time.

I've been on the mountain ledge for awhile now. Re-discovering my breath, my writing, my expression, my joy in the DANCE, my passions, my creativity, and my burdens for others.  I will even venture to say here, I am "finding me"....  who I am now, and who I was meant to be all along. Fearfully and wonderfully made.

Loving.  So open to all possibilities. Cleansing, healing tears flowing as I SEE this and acknowledge the POWER here.

Ready to soar in new ways, with wings as eagles in 2011 and Beyond,
Grateful and peaceful,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Musing In A Year-End Kind Of Way

Well, I have alot on my mind. One of those shot gun blast kind of ramblings. Maybe this is normal at the end of one year, beginning of the next? 

Looking back, celebrating victories and discoveries, lamenting losses and failures, forgiving myself and others and seeking their forgiveness of me.  Sometimes a sigh of regret of goals not met, fears not faced, hurdles not conquered. Other times, a spontaneous WHOOP of laughter or exultation for following through and championing the Impossible dream.

Of course, looking ahead. Always, daily, grateful I can close a day, breathe deeply, release fully and giving the day into hands and ways much more powerful than my own. New resolutions are not an annual occurrence for me. They are a continuous pruning, hewning, and shaping of myself and my shifting, honing goals for myself. I choose to grow and learn and make mistakes and explore. I HAVE to stay moving, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually to remain dynamic, vibrant and ALIVE!!

Yes, a new year is a marker of new slates, goals, plans, and expectations. I just don't make it my only outlet.  In many ways, I live RIGHT NOW. Very spontaneous and always up for fun or new things.  My goals do not frighten me when they are broken into smaller, bite size pieces.  It's far more productive for me to SUCCEED several small times towards a bigger picture, than it is for me to get lost in the details and swamped my momentary setbacks. Rolling with the flow, so I don't disappoint myself and end up stopping, lost as to where to go from here.

I will concede that 2010 was MONUMENTAL and PIVOTAL in my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!    I became aware of people in new and outstanding ways. I met some for the first time ever, reconnected with others, and deepened my walk with even more people.  I've pushed back on the NUMBER of contacts and selectively surrounded my thought life, communications, and conversations with people that encourage me, nurture me, challenge me, inspire me, and support my life as it is this very second and what it is becoming in the near future. Also, carefully chosen and nurtured my support-network of motivators, advisers, and checkpoints.

Furthermore, I have widened myself to reaching others.  I think I am beginning to hear words such as "aura".  I dunno about all of that, but I am becoming more in tune with the spiritual world, specifically, The Spirit of God.  He leads me to friends and to strangers and directs my words, thoughts, actions. God has invested much in me by way of Life Experiences and is now calling them to action to assist others. He pours blessings of finances, knowledge, revelations, health, and sensitivity into me and I channel it back out as fast as I can to the lost, the wounded, the lonely, the hurting, the drifting peoples of the world around me.

2010 saw me reach an exhaustion  point in my own life. I had to call a halt and take months off to heal in all ways. I had to stop all activities and wait on God to redirect my life.  Much as a toy or model train set races in circles, chasing its tail, it occasionally jumps the track and lays on its side, wheels still spinning, stack still smoking. It takes a reset. A Conductor to lift it right again and realign its wheels on the tracks at a specified junction.  Same concept. I had to sleep until my body and God healed much of myself.  Then as I began to stir and stretch gingerly to see what needs attention right now, God moved obstacles and opened doors.

Then from about September to Present, I have been completely awakened to new and bigger offerings of the spiritual world.  A combination of inputs from unexpected sources, I am zipping through a new learning curve like the cart on the Space Mountain roller coaster.  Like the ride at Disney, I am THRILLED to be here and am seeking the opportunities to to put myself in places and paths to learn, grow, mature, explore, and heal.


If God moves His sovereign hand tonight? I will not reject healing or enlightenment. If he offers me 2011 and sends me to continue my quest for knowledge, revelation, understanding and service? Then He will give me grace and ability to go through each lesson.

I am excited to see what is already within me, patiently awaiting my discovery and release of self-imposed bondage.  I am trembling with excitement to see where the new ways and ideas will take me next.

Eager to serve others and God more fully and with greater compassion, gifts, and bounty.  I KNOW HE HAS GREATNESS IN STORE!

Ready to close this letter, wind down, meditate (ahhh,, the BEST gifts of 2010 was to find my BREATH and MEDITATION) and fall asleep knowing I have done my best today, I hold no ill, and I am thankful for everything.  I've researched and previewed the details to my last gift to me of 2010- - -   Conquering the wind.

Invigorated by the Journey,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Oceans of Inspiration

After an OVER THE TOP blessed Christmas, I am back in SoFL on Dania Beach at the pier.  It's a chilly 52 degrees and windy.  Not another soul to be seen.  I had to layer up to enjoy it,, but Vitamin D is still abundant!  Chapstick and lotion are my friend :)

Today is a WRITING DAY... I have been buzzing,,, THROBBING with inspiration for the last couple of days and today, I came here to pour my heart and soul out into words. Perhaps, I will be able to share some of it, although some if it will be between me and Almighty God.

I will share right now, even before I "process" and tabulate all my recent revelations, self-discoveries and  gratitude laden blessings, that I have begun healing.  Some of you know my serious medical needs.  And yes, I mean that healing has begun. 

I'm sure those same people are also aware of the critical needs of my soul and emotions and spiritual man.  Be encouraged!!  I have had portals opened and great floods of Change and Direction POURED into me , like this ocean roaring to my right!

So stay tuned in.  My prayers are for clarity, humility, and grace for myself. For you, I pray peace, health, prosperity, wisdom, and contented joy.

All my love ,,, yes,, the L-word,,, I have so much lathered into me,, it is coming out :)

Ahhhh,, humor, joy and the Dance!

Inspired and writing,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

To Coin A Phrase

Found this today in my old MySpace blog......  wow!!! THREE YEARS AGO!

I am remaining true to myself,,,, wow!!
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Dec 11, 2007


To Coin A Phrase

Current mood:blessed

The epic ....

What's in a word?

Cute phrases we pick up? One word missiles? Or one word of a healing nature? Nurture?

A lot of what I type next has a melancholy feel. Yet, that is not my current state of mind. Some of it is sent by way of an explanation, but then again a life well-lived warrants none. I jotted down bullets of ideas as I drove down the interstate in the New England states on Thanksgiving Day. Today, I do not feel the same echo of silence around me. But I wrote at a time when I felt isolated and a touch sorry for myself. There are some nuggets of truth though, and that is what I decided to share today.



"To Coin a Phrase"

11/22/07, Thanksgiving Day

            I have decided that Brer Rabbit was a wily one.  I am new to driving big rigs this year and feel very intimidated by the inherent dangers of driving on snow and ice.  Angel pointed out to me that this is not a foreign feeling for me this year.  I had to work hard throughout the process of getting my CDL to maintain my cool and my Can Do-attitude.  I was still sore from my bike wreck when it came to climbing in and out of the cab of the trucks.  Also learning to double shift and maneuver 10 gears every time a truck moved was taxing on injured bones and muscles.  I had bad habits to unlearn and new movements to memorize. A time or two I wondered aloud if I was making a mistake.  But, my grit prevailed and I determined to work it out. 

            The rewards were instantaneous.  I am driving for a company that is serious about training and the safety of its drivers through decent equipment and education.  Right away, just by flying Delta out of Orlando I saw new places, people, and things.  And OH! The adventures to date!  Of course, I can not photograph everything.  But I see wonders of nature and landscape that blow me away.

            To be honest, I am a bit homesick. Lonely perhaps. Nostalgic here on Thanksgiving. It's  not like I have many traditions left after my divorce and now empty nest.  I would be just as "alone" in my house and it would be as silent and void.  Each way has options such as more work to fill the hours.  Reaching out to those in need.  Making friends with the stillness and seeking the peace of the quiet.

            I did not cook huge meals even when at home. We all have strengths and that is not one of mine J. But I did not celebrate Thanksgiving as a big several day dinner event since 2000 and my divorce.  I think maybe we did a big dinner a time or two with Lewis. When the girls were home, they were growing up. They had to split time between their dad and I. Eventually, they had boyfriends and thus other families to share time with. A lot like it was as a newly married couple with young children.  Ole and I often spent holidays on the road traveling to visit our parents etc.  So dinner at my place is not what I miss.  In the last years, post-Lewis, the girls and I adapted.  We made the most of each moment that presents itself. We'd get dressed up and for a few hours go to a nice resteraunt etc.

            I usually worked extra shifts so folks with young kids and families could be together.  As I noted, my girls haven't been home for this holiday for years. This would have happened eventually anyway, but I admit it surprised me a year or two early. Then again, by definition of empty nest, I never would have been "ready".  This is merely factual.  As I drive this big rig today, I see motorists stranded on the side of the road and feel empathy for them.  That represents a loss of some kind.  They may be down to their last dime, and car repairs finish the devastation.  Not to mention, that connection and bond they were intending to fulfill with their loved one today.  I have a lot of blessings I know.  Think of the soldiers and other people of service.  There are the newly separated, divorced, widowed. And those sick or injured and their support network.  Many people unable to afford to celebrate and who may be struggling just to live day to day. For all that, I know my good report. That is why I wish to make it clear, I am not wallowing in self-pity. Merely reflecting.

           

            Here I find myself on Thanksgiving 2007 crossing the Hudson River and  the Tappan Zee bridge while a huge boat passes under me. Who'd a thunk this when I was a burned out night auditor scraping to get by? Florida has two seasons. Hot and Warm.  The north has two also. Winter and Construction.  This contributes to my mood today. I miss the South. The genteel and mellow ways that are absent in the hustle up north.  New England especially is a haughty breed and they cram the volume of Los Angeles into confining spaces, narrow roads and unfriendly exteriors.  The scenery though is amazing and is a redeeming factor.

            I have referred to myself as Florida Cracker.  Be sure, this is NOT a racial thing!!!   This is a frame of mind.  Carl Allen in Auburndale, Florida personified the Down Home of the South in his Cracker House resteraunt.  Here he reigns as king of bluegrasss.  And the memorabilia collected in that log cabin reflect a timelessness of simplicity.  Your food is served on sewing tables with real pedals still in evidence.  Your tea is served out of a mason jar and be confident, it is sweet and it is brewed, not instant out of a can. There the delicious catfish is served as it was meant to be with a side of grits brought to the table in a pan. The front porch going around the building has real wooden rockers not the cheap imitations sold at Cracker Barrel.  So if I align myself with the simple pleasures and laid back times you glimpse how I view my world.  It is a lot like the Biker Wave.  That phenomenon that when a biker, be it sports bike or cruiser, passes another, they salute with a lifted  hand  in greeting and acknowledgement.  A sense of brotherhood and camaraderie. This is absent up north and even when visitors travel to Florida for bikefests, the wave gets lost.   This contributes to the feeling of being a fish out of water.

            Remember the warmth and fun of Uncle Remus's tales on The Wonderful World of Disney? The foibles of the woodland creatures?  Like Brer Rabbit, I am learning to work the dispatch system of my company. "Please don't throw me in that briar patch. You can roast me, hang me, but please, whatever you do, don't throw me in that briar patch," he'd exclaim! And out of spite that's where he'd be flung. He'd shake off his bonds and LAFF! So here I am, in Texas having me a laffing spell. I crossed that beautiful corridor in Oregon of I-84 in the Columbia River Gorge 8 times in 4 days last month.  On the 8th  pass, I topped Cabbage Mountain eastbound to a winter wonderland. But to me, it was anything but wonderous, LOL! That extreme pure white snow and ice just freaked me out! It was visually sensational" but taxed my driving skills.  I begged to be brought to the south. Stevens did.  They sent me to Missouri.  As I breathed a sigh of relief? The next load sent me to where I am today steaming northward to a delivery in Assonet, Massachutesetts. From MA?  To Trenton, Ontario, CANADA via NEW YORK!

            Several people know from following me on my personal journey and self-explorations, I have had to work to conquer my spirit of fear.  I had to draw upon Gods Word.  Fear is not from God.  Neither is that feeling of isolation and frustration.  On my second trip into Canada I stopped in Michigan and bought myself a KJV Bible and new journal.  It was a change of mindset.  A conscious decision to stop complaining.  Quit giving into paralyzing fears of sliding and loss of control.  Angel chastised me.  She reminded me of my trepidations as I earned my CDL and also of how I was afraid to descend mountains loaded to 80,000 pounds, until one day I got under my semi with a guy trainer, and he showed me the brakes, and explained the mechanics of the transmission working to hold the engine in check from running away.  Then my trainer and I went down the mountain and at the bottom, I asked, "Was that ALL?!?" Now I approach with respect and security bred of knowledge and skill.  And Angel challenged me to do the same with snow and Ice.  I do have to say, having slid and wrecked on my bike?  I am not eager to repeat that loss of control.   I can recall several similar examples of this learning curve.  I panicked my first time SCUBA diving off the back of a perfectly good boat into heaving salt water.  But drew from Lewis' confidence in me and I linked arms with Mike, the dive guide, and I descended, locked eye to eye with Mike 60 feet to the ocean floor.  That day I sifted sand from the bottom of the ocean through my gloved hand in victory. Fear did not win a round then and has lost again.

            You guessed it. After a second stint in frozen Canada, I did not beg to be sent south. "Please don't throw me in that briar patch." And here I am today, sweating in the humidity in the south. Happily J

            Another issue I ponder?  Oh, and there are many.  I have nothing but time on my hands to dream and speculate in the confines and freedoms 24/7 of my truck cab.  Often in the wee hours of the night, while I satisfy  my wanderlust and curiousity of the world around me, part of me craves a home and a loved one. I am definitely enjoying new adventure and travel,  but part of me yearns for a home. For roots. For someone to share my life with.

            I still hunger for a friend. A companion. Specifically for a mate or lover to cuddle and touch. Someone dear to me to share the experience and journey with me.  A home to share. I am an affectionate person and I miss the security of lying with my head on my lovers shoulder.

            It seems I am standing at a crossroads in my life.  I am a wanderer who is realizing I am growing older.  As I near 40, I face a great life lived so far and questions as to my life ahead. I see it. Yet it looks like the sudden dense fog that blankets at dusk. I have trouble seeing through the mists surrounding me to the clear and right path ahead.  As for a companion? I still assert, he will have to be a special man.  One who is not intimidated by my strengths and diversity. He will have to be sound and confident in who he is so he is not threatened by our differences and similarities. I think a  fellow driver,,, yet the cab of a truck is a confined space. WHEW! You'd have to really and I do mean REALLY love and respect someone to share that tiny space. A plus if he shares my love of all things outdoors and water?  And I hope to one day ride a motorcycle again.  The guy doesn't have to fit into that mold. But by token, we need to both be secure enough to allow each other to be the man and woman we are.  And where we intersect?  That is a shared bliss. I do not think I will be content to drive OTR much longer.  I want roots.  A home. A love of my life.

            I can say with definite certainty that I unequivocally love Angel and Alisha as they are today. This goes deeper than just a mothers love.  It is an acknowledgement of the young women of integrity and high standards that they are and the women of purpose they are becoming. In this, I led by example, and I accept that I did a fine job as a parent.  I do still see them in my minds eye all ponytails and bounce, but I recognize and relate to them now as grown adults finding their way in this world of possibilities.  I cherish the friendship and bond we share.  And accept, that we each live our lives now, separate, yet crisscrossing.  I may have given them a nest to fly and launch from, but they gave me desire to fly and air to fill my wings.

            To sum it all up?  I have grown wise to enjoy the journey and self-discovery.  I have good days and bad, as we are all permitted to do.  But it is the decision to prosper from the knowledge gained that counts.  I am returning to my earlier ways of not sweating the petty stuff.  Through trial and error I gain skill and confidence with each new task.  I hunger for the touch and bond of a companion. I marvel at my nations people and vistas.  I seek roots and place to call home. I am less sentimental over "THINGS" such as keeping a house just because it is filled with reminders of my past life with my girls. And I need a spell of dancing like I do, when no one is watching me….

            Thank you for reading my missive. I am well.  I am blessed. I am an Over The Road truck driver.  Happy holidays and may you enjoy this time with your loved ones and prosper in the new year.

~JAN~

AhhhEEEEeee!!! Geuax Saints in Mississppi!

December Greetings!!! As I work my way through a week that has already given me much in the ways of opportunities to grow in God and to be more like Him in HIs character?  I am reminded by the Spirit that the CHRISTmas season is all about what has already been given,, in the person of Christ Jesus.... and of seeing each other, our lives, our world the way HE sees it. I am reminded when I am short of temper or patience with another? He would not act the way I have. I have a choice in this. Let the healing begin here, with me.

We can all point to our challenges.  What keeps us awake at night? Who is on our prayer list, every time? Who stirs us to compassion as we brush shoulders in a world full of busy people?

Many people are hurting inside. This may not show. They may compensate by being brusque. Funny. Always down. Always up. Some close in to themselves. Some reach out more.

I am amazed at the GOODNESS GOD HAS POURED INTO ME BY THE RIVERS!!!!   Yes, I am alone, at a time of year that typically is celebrated by parties, assemblies, family gatherings.  But, I am alive this year again. Well able to work. Blessed this year with the regional job I now work for.

And daily, minute by minute, I look around me for windows to open, for doors to show their knob & for the courage to twist it.  I have embarked on a self-help Journey to finding true love (love of myself), true happiness (to be residing in  happy, not just in a moment, person, or thing), to choosing to love more fully, to forgive all injustices, to give myself some space and slack to make mistakes so that I may learn from them.

Gifts of people, places, things, that I may share my knowledge of God and Truth. That I may be God's hands, feet, voice, HIS laughter and his embracing arms to another.  To give them monetary gifts or tangible items from my bountiful blessings that run out of my being.

Below is a cute note written at a truck stop in Southern Mississippi last night.  I had a wonderful blessing of being loved by my fellow man and they brightened my day.  Let the JOY of the season, the Spirit of Giving in this simple story from the road give you a lift and a smile!
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Brookhaven, MS Sunday night


Grooving to a radio station that has played songs from "Sweet Home Alabama" , Peter Frampton and that song where the guitar talks, to "Here Without You" RUSH!!! "Limelight" to "Sleigh Ride" with a female jazz singer and incredible full band sound to "Centerfold"! My my my!!! Mix it up!!!! Huge grin!!! Earlier in ATL was scattin' and funkin' with the black folks on their themed jazz, Blues, R&B station!!

The happy-ness of this evening is being in the TRUE South!! Florida doesn't count, such a melting pot. GA, parts of it. Beginning in SC, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisianna, Texas,,, it is like tonight, went inside the truck stop, as I came out, the young clerk opened the door for me "Ma'am, you have a nice night. Be safe out there and Merry CHristmas."

In a world of microwaves??? Tonight, after only 475miles got to my delivery. I had parked at Wesson, MS where I am now, about 12 miles from del. For some reason (spirit prompting) I decided to look again at the load assignment. WOW!!! Instead of 1300 on 12/20???? It was 0100 on 12/20!!!!!!! I was aiming to be 12 hours late, sitting on it!!!! My goodness! So I called them, a Wal-Mart Dist Center and he said I can come anytime since it is a drop and hook.

When I show up, two good ol' boys as guards. The older distinguished gentleman says "Hey! I know you! You just called me! How are you?"

The other younger guy, eating, mumbles, "Hi, I 'm doing okay too."

I ask, "HEY! IS THAT RED BEANS AND RICE????? It looks like it came from cooking all day, slow and sweet in a crock pot, not a microwave?"

Old guy, Mike, says, "would you like some? Bowl's over there."

Sure enough, an oblong crock pot full of RB&R and sausage, 2 kinds.

Mike tells me to get some cornbread too. Says his wife had made that up for them. I'm telling you, glass plate, homemade cornbread muffins, covered in foil,,, a red velvet cake on a platter,,, the crock pot... OMG!!!

I stand there and dig in,,, the younger guy wipes sweat from his forehead (I didn't catch on fast enough,,,,) ,,, Barton says, "There's deer sausage in there along with the link.,,,,,,, you aint allergic to anything are ya?"

OH DEAR GAWD!! Good thing I am NOT allergic to anything!!! LOL I was half through the bowl!!! And it wasnt spicy,, not like Barton's sweating and eyes watering made it seem. Whew! Close call ;-)

I go make my drop, hook to an empty,,,, I was going back to the truck stop in Wesson to get dinner at the 24 hr diner,, now I am fed and happy. I asked Mike, "Sir? I saw that was your last bowl. Do you need some?? I have some in my truck and don't want to take your last one?"

He said he had more,, but "Would you like some of the Red Velvet cake too? c'mon back inside!"

Then Barton, Mike and I got to talking,, I said I recognized the RB& R from the 11 years at Ft.Polk, LA,,, where we are tonight is only 130 miles to New Orleans on I-55 south. Barton's brother served the same time we were there!!! I told him since we were in the band, we travelled the entire South on tour,,,, commands and all the festivals, everyone wants to appreciate the soldiers by feeding them,,,, thus the RB&R....

He said,"you want to appreciate a soldier? Feed them a hot meal." I said, "yes, if one is in line behind me??? I pay for them."

You know??? I just love the generosity and free spirit of Southerners... I told Mike to tell the "Missus thank you". He said "well, come for a homecooked meal anytime."

WOW!!! People just slay me with their openness,,, if you let them,, they will bless you!!!
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Blessed and a knowing of this making me smile,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

It's THAT Time of Year Again

Here we are! The year TwentyTen is fast drawing to a close.  I don't make specific New Years Resolutions.  If I find a trait to adapt, chances are it won't wait until January 1st on NEXT YEAR'S calendar.   Life is such  a Process of Give and Take. Truly Beautiful when you think of it. You can't admit to being tired of something in your life, without also deciding to improve on it. All year long :)

During my married years, we played the in-laws game. We tried vainly to please this set or that set. All while establishing traditions for our own 4 members. Soldiers, church, jobs....When we got divorced in 2000, now we have to add Dad's house, My House, all the Grands, and any blended familes as well.  What was a JOYous season, became incredibly frustrating, chaotic, never satisfying ANYONE, and often it called to notice just how PAINFUL divorce is on the partners AND the children involved.

Especially in the first years, it was easier and kinder to just tell my junior high and senior high school-age girls to go stay with their Dad. He was lonely all the time. Visitation schedules SUCK!!! He is a limp weenie, but  I am resilient. I was also overwhelmed with rejection, loss of the ideal of "Till Death Do Us Part", strapped financially, working overtime, then a second, then a third job.

So it became a gift to me to go out on the lake alone before daylight,,, just me and my little boat, maybe Addy.  At the time I was quite jaded and sniffed "If I'm gonna be alone anyways, I may as well not sit at the house to do it." Thanksgiving and Christmas became JUST ANOTHER SET OF PAINFUL DAYS TO SURVIVE.

Then with Lewis, and how we all four loved one another, we built new traditions!  More than a meal, it was our thing to go to a specific movie on Christmas Day as a unit  we saw ALL THREE  of the "Lord Of The Rings" Trilogy in theatres, on CHRISTMAS DAY as part of "our" bond!!!

Then,, after 2 1/2 marvelous years,  he left too,,, and the girls and I each cut adrift, separating from each other emotionally in our OWN  raging seas of pain, loss, lack of faith....  that was a DECIDING STRAW to break the camel's back.  Holidays can take a FLYING LEAP AT THE MOON!!!

This year, Fall of 2010 has been an awakening!!!  First, seeds of forgiveness sprouted.  Then came Reunion and Union. The family GREW by adding Aaron to Angel's life, and my grandson, Jeremiah to Alisha & Tony's lives. Next, Reconcillation began to bud and prosper. Alisha began to contact first one, then awhile later, another,, then another of her extended family after several years of cold separation! 

This past year I EXPERIENCED LOVE FIRST-HAND with Pastor Hattabaugh and the Pentecostals of Cooper City.

 As LOVE  was so patiently demonstrated, and as people literally HELD ME until the fear and trembling in me subsided, I began to BELIEVE again,,, in LIFE,, in LOVE... in HOPE.... in my Song - Laughter, Singing, Dancing..... in a Future where it is safe to dream, to be loved, and to love in return.

FULL MEASURE.... still working on that one myself... not holding back, in Limbic Flight or Fight.

Today and tomorrow marks several HUGE FIRSTS!

• Angel and Aaron's first Thanksgiving as a married couple.  They are taking the day to just BE TOGETHER and go out to a nice dinner somewhere as a treat to themselves.
• Alisha, Tony, and Jeremiah have made friends in Colorado, and religious preferences are being put aside. They are going to their friends' house for Thanksgiving meal.
• My brood is settled :)   Jan, is now free to let herself have good things in her life.  I have realized that work will still be here on Friday.  I am celebrating Thanksgiving with beloved church families in SoFL.

Also, when Lewis left us, my long-time counsellor and love/ friend, Dr. Isaac B. Deas told me there were two things he did not want to see me become. Bitter and a workaholic.  I promptly became BOTH. Sigh... well, I never got hard core bitter...  Somehow,, no matter many times i get pummelled into the dust by Life, I roll back to my feet with that goofy "hit me again, that didn't hurt" grin on my face.

Jaded? Yeah. Workaholic? Oops... guilty.

So, Jan is STILL working on that last one!!!  GRIN!!!!  If I work my guts out, I am too tired to care (yeah I know,, it didn't quite work out that way, did it???),, and I earn stupid good money that I can just GIVE away because it DOESN'T buy health, happiness, relationship, connection etc....

As this "whatever it is fever" has socked me for so long?? I am ready to give up....  but can't stop working. I don't know how :-(

For me to even consider holiday time off ??? Is HUGE -BOMBASTIC - MONUMENTAL-
 OF EPIC PROPORTIONS!!!

But when I received at least TEN Facebook and POCC invitations, I got to thinking, I can still help drivers get home. I can do it locally. I can still end up off-duty at the same time everyone else is. Usually, the loads are timed to force the drivers to shut down for safety wherever they happen to land.

WHY NOT NEAR MY CHURCH FAMILY AND  PERSONAL CAR?????

Then,, to get a motel room, second time in a week???  CRAZY OPULENCE AND WASTE OF money resources on me,,,, but,, the real bed DID feel SOOOOO GOOD!!!

Again, why not???  I hear alot, from different sources to be good to myself, take good care of me, be kind to myself. Etc...

Why not?

Worth a try.... shucks,, I've tried so many other things in my short life.  Why not try being nice to me too???

lol

So,, here I am. Gonna click send,, and then pack my  duffle bag for 2 days off.  Go buy groceries to make dishes to carry to the Feist's house. And GO TO THE WINDY BEACH AND CHECK INTO MY OCEANFRONT HOTEL ROOM AND CATCH SOME SALT, SUN, and SAND in my hair!!!

I deserve it,, or so I hear ;-)

Happy Thanksgiving to all,, and to all a good night =)

Jan M. Olsen

~J~

A Spirit of the Familiar

If I'm not careful, I notice lapsing into old habits of eating or of treating my body, thinking of comfortable (also some not -so- comfortable) relationships, old attitudes or ways of approaching and thinking of Life.

I wonder why? Is it less scary than the Unknown? Chances are, the old ways were not very fulfilling to my Life's Calling. There are some great things to glean from the Past. But I don't want the disappontments of weeds and vines to trip me holding me down.

While driving the night shift down to Miami for holiday Time Off, I noticed letting the radio dial linger on music that was familiar, but not anything that I enjoyed or could sing along with.Why did I tune in? Tolerating it?

Changing that dial is so simple, really.Getting in touch with my abundant Blessings is a choice I made a long time ago. Sadly, I get caught up living a dance to music that I don't even know or like. Foreign to me. Keeps me out of sorts. Another uncomfortable role for me.

Once upon a time, there was a tender-hearted, happy-go-lucky girl. She got caught up surviving Life. Time to find her and get back to who I am deep inside. Resurrect that part of a smoking flax in me that flickered, but didn't extinguish.

So, reaching up to tweak the controls on the FM dial- Familiar Mentality. Honing in on what's Authentic, Genuine, Personal and Inspiring.

Rewarded by Love, Laughter, Song, Dance and Adventure! Enjoyment for the Living NOW and hope for the Promising Future Growth as a Woman of Purpose!

Tuning in,
Jan M. Olsen
~ J~
Sent Urom my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

Perspective

It only takes something as simple as lunch and shopping with a friend to put things into perspective and fresh view. Due to my lifestyle and work schedule, my girl friend and I connect primarily with text messsages of 160 characters or less and a few emails. Neither of us like to talk on the phone.

In the year I have known her, our roles have morphed into something I feel ill-prepared to be for her. The first contact was made by me to her regarding a job opening. From that very first phone call, she has opened up to me and just pours her life and trials out in torrents.

 Before closing that initial call, I felt strongly led of the Spirit. I secured her email address which was used as a compassionate outreach and follow up. Connected her with Support tools and Educational materials to begin a Process of Personal Growth and improvements in  her health.

 The roles shifted again to where we are now.  I am directly facilitating and teaching her a curriculum out of a workshop series taken years ago that rocked my world. The distance again makes this challenging. To go to deep, raw places, and not be physically present is a gamble in my view. I can't even get to her if she goes into crisis.

She has deep seated emotional trauma wounds that she has developed safety mechanisms to get her through most of day to day life. Every now and then, she has a meltdown. Someone should be near.

While I have had some rough patches in my life, she has challenges that she continues to face with admirable strength, courage, and grace.

Yet, she sees her broken places. I see them too. I yearn for her healing. And realize the truths in common thoughts that we don't know how well we have it ourselves sometimes until we encounter those with even greater obstacles or injustices.

I see her beauty and her courageous outlook and am humbled that she looks up to me instead of in her own mirror.

Lovely time of fellowship and connection. Trusting that it will bridge the gaps our separate lives leave until we can meet again. Asking her questions, sharing my own recent discoveries, and a few hours of just being nearby, close enough to touch.

I am left to muse and will her Gifts FROM ME of the Go-forth to continue the fight for her own choices and freedoms.

Sending my dear friend my love and support,
Jan M. Olsen
~ J ~
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Organizing My Blessings :)

 Sunset at Black Rocks Beach, San Diego, CA January 2009

 Today was a laidback, do little day.  Trucking is feast or famine. It was all about the WAITING and cancellation game.  Trusting God has me in his sights. For instance, I had a load going to Sunrise, FL where my car is. It cancelled at 4:30pm.  THEN I find out that I-95 sb is shut down in Orlando-area due to a wildfire!  See???  God knows where I am, and what's best for me.  Rest and time to JUST BE was a definite GIFT today.

Went back to the doctor for my weird fever and joint issues. Endured labs, tests, really dumb questions... Honestly, feel like it was a waste of time.  The injections certainly wreak havoc on my tummy.  In the words of a song by Martina McBride,  "You can pour your soul out singin' / A song you believe in / That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang / Sing it anyway."... so here tonight on my truck, singing to the angels, to God, and to cheer myself.  My neighbors will need therapy, but who am I?  LOL.

At my ONE year anniversary of becoming an OTR truck driver and of having a career, I wrote a 12 page typed account. That letter is posted here on my blog.  I did a much smaller letter at the second year anniv.

This year, July4th was the THIRD anniversary.  I didn't remember writing specifically to commemorate THAT day.  This past year, a season of LOSS and PAINFUL CONFUSION, losing the baby, the beatings, the rape, the giving up of being a TRAINER and MENTOR and Owner Operator with Stevens Transport out of Dallas, TX had played havoc with all of my health.  My mind, my body, my soul,,,, yet, somehow it didn't quench this indomitable spirit that fights within me to shine forth.

Sunset at Black Rocks Beach, San Diego, CA January 2009

Waiting on another driver, I cleaned my truck out while I sang.  We are to keep Trip Paperwork, Logs, etc for 3 weeks, then we can discard them.  I had a cabinet with all of them since my hire date May 17, 2010.  UGH!!!  Included were the spiral notebooks I write Trip Dispatches in.  I know me,, I write wherever I can find space, so before I chunked the old spirals I looked inside??

I FOUND AN 8 PAGE FRONT AND BACK HANDWRITTEN JOURNAL of my THIRD YEAR ANNIVERSARY highlights!!!  I don't remember it, but there it was!!!

And it was a list of BLESSINGS of all I had DISCOVERED to that point in July 2010!!!! 

Sometimes,, I amaze even myself.  Of all I am not comfortable with- of all I don't have closure or peace with - of all the hurt and guilt I still carry --------- I wrote EIGHT PAGES (16) FULL OF BLESSINGS AND GRATITUDE!!!!!!

 This past year, (year and half now) I had so much pain and loss,,, when I lost my baby, and my body was so broken and ill???  I wished sooo many times that I could die.  Just let me go.   Yet, BECAUSE of that vulnerability, I was extended love and grace, FIRST from GOD,  then from Pastor Hattabaugh and the Warriors at POCC, and then slowly, as I heal and process,,,, it is beginning to come FROM me TO me also.  That has only just begun in the last couple of months through amazing timing and gifts..

One thing I did toss out, that I may regret?? As an O/O I was used to keeping every scrap and receipt for income taxes for my Profit Loss Statement.... I just threw away things that I claimed last year.  I was only an O/O up to Valentine's Day this year.  I hope my lack of saving receipts doesn't bite me in the rear later???

Learning to meditate is so awesome.  I can't say I am skilled at it. I am self-taught, so I am sure I can learn, learn, learn!!!  I already pray and am very in touch with the Spirit-world,,, both of Good and of Evil.  As an Intercessor I see and hear alot.  But meditating has been good to first UN-focus me,,, then, RE-focus me.  Kinda a WOW-Concept.  I'm an odd bird, I get it :)

So mellow.  Still very ill,,, very in pain. Very wore out in  body, which has gone on so long now, my spirits get tapped too quickly.  But I am in MAJOR chill back mode.  The truck being straight and lighter??? Is really cool to me!  Soon as I can get by my car,, more of the extra clothes etc are coming off.

My blessings are lined up like Warriors around me, like friends at a bonfire on the beach.  I have my Tim Janis "Water's Edge" cd playing, I can hear the waves, smell the salt in the air, and feel the wind tossing my hair... as my memories, good and bad,, my blessings too many to categorize,,, talk softly around the glow of the driftwood fire. The  annual November Taurid and Leonid meteors are zipping across the Eastern sky.  It's a nice night, here with myself, in my truck :-)

Sunset at Black Rocks Beach, San Diego, CA January 2009

Thankful and dwelling in my Blessing Place,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

So Close, So Far Away

Bridge system spanning the Kentucky- Illinois stateline, I-24 wb

Passed through Paducah, KY around noon today. A spot in the road. A small dot on the grand scale of the atlas. But it happens to only be 1 1/2 hours away from where my girl-Love of My Life lives in Evansville, IN.

Here is a portion of our bittersweet banter today:

You had me from hello. The only thing that makes our goodbyes tolerable or worth a damn is they bring us just that much closer to our next HELLO. (Terry)

XOXO - I know...it seems like i have freedom, but i keeep a pretty strict route and schedule.....all subject to change when Life socks the Plan in the nose :-(    (me)


If it makes you feel any better? I "walked like an Egyptian" while I "walked that dinosaur" into the store to get my fuel receipt and shower. Ahhh..what to do? (me)

I'm not sure I want to be with anyone that causes so much destruction. (Terry  re: yesterday's fires)

My loving memories gave me a strange urge to slip through the trees into the meadow and do our ancient forms (kata).  We used to practice in our own loving way, matched evenly, CONNECTED out at Toldeo Bend Dam...
 
then,,, to move on, force myself to leave and roll on up Life's highway? Got a hot tea, meal and shower.

While at the truck stop, I went up to the Transflo machine. This scans our trip paperwork to our payroll department,  A strong, brazen woman was there frowning at the machine. She whipped around at my approach and GROWLED, : Here! You go ! I can't figure it out anyway!"

What could I do? "Ma'am, may I talk you through the process with your paperwork first?"

As we went through step by easy step, I said," you might as well embrace this and learn to do it for yourself, The truck stops are putting these self-service scanners in and the staff will no longer be required to Transflo for us."

She ground out, " I'm not embracing anything!! They should provide us with customer service."

I watched her stomp away and felt a bit sorry for her.Thinking, "It must be lonely inside that closed mind and narrow parameter you allow yourself to interact with this dynamic world around you."

For myself?  Chagrined to notice how I really took simple things like hot showers or meals for granted when they were readily available. Realizing how North American-spoiled I am? Grateful for BOTH now.
 
Blessed to have loves of my life in the then, the  here and the now,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

I Am...

Speechless.



Jan M. Olsen
~J~

There's No Way To Know..... We Have Taken Different Roads,,,

"I try not to think about what might have been,,,, no we'll never know "What Might Have Been"
(Little Big Town)

Seems I am becoming self-aware of a trend for myself? Weekend longings for love,, someone to share my slower, off- peak  times with. I wouldn't expect even a saint to keep up with my insane work schedule, but the more laidback Time Off periods?  Open longings.

That is just where I am. Got to trust that.

Live in this moment, for it exists. It is as real and valid as are  the euphoric times of a job well-done in my industry, or a life touched by a call or email or text... each viable.

Open to what is ahead? It's also okay to go back into Time. Brief forays into the magical creative world of "WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN?"  In this world? No one leaves. No rejections. No sickness. No depravity. No one screws around. No trips to the ER for CAT scans, or closet bruises, cuts, broken bones.

Everyone has a job and loves their day's work, then comes home and June Cleaver has fresh baked bread smelling up the whole house. The porch light is on, the kids come home, bicycles stowed for another night.

M-F, perhaps  I will  skip "Mine and So-and-So's song" because no one is here. Somebody left.  Me or them? Irrelevant.

Fri- Sat-Sun?  Lewis and I HAD  a song,,,, Isaac and I HAVE A SONG NOW,,,, even Ole and I have a few accrued over 15 years of making music together...

Angel - Alisha,,,, even young Jeremiah has a SONG  playing within me.

Certain friends? Yup, I hear an inner melody for them too..

There's one specific Denison & WHHS classmate that I mentor now.  When he calls, I may let him go to voicemail on purpose.  I love to listen to the sounds of his  laughter and smiles  seeping out of his VOICE. That too, is music to my ears.  It also gives me a chance to find out what the topic of today will be, perhaps I will stutter less when we talk on the phone?

The bump bump of the rumble strip? Is music to my ears,, it signifies guidelines and safety practices.

I live in TODAY... Got to trust in RIGHT NOW,,, LIVE IT. LOVE IT. SING IT. DANCE IT. LAUGH IT. CRY IT. FEEL EVERY NUANCE AND BREATH......

On my road, wherever it is leading me today? It is the RIGHT ROAD FOR THIS TODAY,

Trusting, making new music up as i go along,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Let Me Remember

When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not; but my faculties are decaying, now, & soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the latter. It is sad to go to pieces like this, but we all have to do it.

- original manuscript in the Mark Twain Papers as reprinted in Quotable Mark Twain by R. Kent Rasmussen
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The above quote was used in my favorite TV series. I watch archives online since I do not often have access to current programming.  I enjoy this show and watch several episodes at once.  I still believe that the Good Guys triumph :-) At least in Hollywood :-)

Even while relaxing, I am aware and with all my senses I am living today.  Riding with and experiencing every feeling.

A few minutes ago, Eric, the lead mechanic told me that he can not ever see me having a bad day. How odd of a thing for someone to say. It rains on the just and the unjust alike.  I explained that when dark times come,  I just don't choose to stay there very long.  I learn what I was brought to be endued with, and push to move through it, and on back into the light tantalizing just ahead.

If I made a list?  There is a horrific and atrocious column of the depravity and black, sinful nature of mankind.  Crimes I have committed, and many enacted out upon me.

Across from that list, is notations of the lessons I learned.  The skills I picked up. The way I encouraged myself and outgrew the injustices. 

It is a mindset.  I REFUSE to be a "victim" or a "survivor".

  Nay, I am an OVERCOMER and triumphant, having waged war with the good and the evil that fluctuate around me from birth to death, and coming out the other side loving, warm, breathing, forgiving, and ever-optimistic.  Looking for the inherent good in mankind.

If evil silences my song, extinguishes my light, muffles my hope? Then it wins.

 I am determined to sing, to dance, to beam as a lighthouse beacon, and to roar with Purpose and passion and desire!!!

Do you ever listen to the background soundtrack in a TV show or movie? Not the highlighted songs where the hero and damsel dance under the stars while fireworks twinkle overhead.  Rather the underlying mood-inducers.... the pulse, or tease, or race,, or throb,, or soothe,,, all stimulated by the sense of sound.  Leading the way in expectation,,, setting the transition,,,, bursting into exhultation... pining for a loss...

I hear that on a day to day basis all around me.  Everchanging. Always adapting. Moving to inner music, the outer influences, the chosen self-dialogue (yes, I answer myself too, lol).

If I am odd that I hear MUSIC in waking or sleeping moments? then let me stand out as EXTREMELY odd... I wouldn't trade my song for anything.

Nor will I let it be silenced, muted, or diminished.

In the oft-quoted wise  words of Abraham Lincoln: "Whatever you are, be a good one."

So, Eric, what do you think about me now? Why do you like me above other drivers? It's not a relationship thing, in the usual man-woman way....  I am in your path to show you how to look up and out,, and past the darkness.  If I was sent here to show you how to light the way for yourself? Then let me deliver that message.

Because, yes, friend, I do have bad days. Or portions of them anyway.  It is how I conduct myself in trial or adversity, and how I treat others, and how I finish that will be the measure of this woman.

I take your observation as a compliment  Also a solemn charge to continue being a light, a ray, to radiating love and joy,,,, for I AM being watched and therefore held accountable. To whom much is given, much is required.

It is my joy to serve, to give, to teach, to lead, to inspire, to encourage, to empathize, to have faith in my fellows.

May I never forget my Calling.  One day, may I submit my own stubborn self-will fully and follow that passion that burns in my chest and mind. That lights my eyes with blazing sparkle and bounces my my step, when my body hurts like hell and is weary from this life.  I am set apart, different, and I accept that. Live well inside of this charge to bless the world milling around me. I may be overlooked in matters of my own heart, passed by for relationship of my own... but I touch many lives, daily.

 OH! To bring them relief and to help them find their way!!!!

And when I wonder why this life just goes on and on? Please, send me an Eric or Dora etc to say something that sounds superficial, but that rings true on the tuning fork in my innermost spirit and intricate working of my mind.

Let me remember why I am here. Why I have endured so much abuse. Why I have run the gamut of hurts. Why I have loved and lost.

Let me reach out with the Compassion, the Love, and the Lessons learned in the crucible of life.

Remind me, when the pain gets seemingly unbearable.... that someone is watching me, following my footsteps, observing my actions and path.

First, let me do no harm.

Please, let me REMEMBER.

Thankful for the reminder,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Well, certainly memory is a curious machine and strangely capricious. It has no order, it has no system, it has no notion of values, it is always throwing away gold and hoarding rubbish. Out of that dim old time I have recalled that swarm of wholly trifling facts with case and precision, yet to save my life I can't get back my mathematics. It vexes me, yet I am aware that everybody's memory is like that, and that therefore I have no right to complain.

- "Three Thousand Years among the Microbes"