Really?????? Nap in the broad daylight??? Cerulean skies with seven minute frosting clouds? Mild 70's?
Because I made a choice that remained TRUE to who I am? Well, now I am going to be driving 10pm-0800 Jax to Miami. It's a familiar run. But I slept less than 4 hours last night due to pain, and have been up, in pain, all day.
I suppose I could have slid backwards a wee bit, departed a short while from who I am integrally. What do I mean?
In order to make my trip to Colorado, and to have extra money to spend on my daughter and grandson, I stayed out OTR the weekend prior to my trip. So far, I have missed two weeks of being in Sunday school and 2 services each Sunday at POCC.
God is everywhere. In me. Around me. Through me.
But the people that love me, that support me, that unconditionally accept me - they are in SoFL at the Pentecostals of Cooper City.
Many times, I am brave and independant. But if I am REAL to who I am?? My support network is at POCC.
So, see? I really couldn't accept load offers that took me north, or west this late in the week. I need to work up and down the state of Florida and stay within my region. This was a short work week for me to begin with. Even if the truck hadn't broken down? To begin to drive on Tuesday would be less miles than usual.
I counted that in as my Opportunity Cost when I made my vacation plans. When I ran my ideas by Pastor Hattabaugh, and then by Alisha, I knew I would miss two weekends at "home".
A third? No. I need to forsake not the assembling together. It's part of who I am,, deep inside.
My batteries need recharged. My tank needs refilled. I need my "family" and those that love me, even when I screw up so royally and cause great harm,,, they simply love me still.
Here I am, with a load assignment to Miami for tonight. I will be able to go by and check on the security of my car at my hiding place. I will be able to take extra clothes, my suitcase, extra book, photos off my cramped and currently over-stuffed jail cell, I mean semi truck. Either put them in my car for now, or ideally, make a run to my storage unit.
I am grateful for this load, for the work, at last. I am grumbly about having to take a nap and waste this lovely day. Ahhhhhh,,,,,, perhaps I will dream something sweet and encouraging?
Goodnight, way WAAAAYYY early. By the time I am stirring again to begin my work day, most people will be going to bed themselves.
Making myself yawn to feign sleepiness ;-)
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Essence
I shall be at peace when the lion within can lie down with the lamb.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Let Me Remember
When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not; but my faculties are decaying, now, & soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the latter. It is sad to go to pieces like this, but we all have to do it.
- original manuscript in the Mark Twain Papers as reprinted in Quotable Mark Twain by R. Kent Rasmussen
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The above quote was used in my favorite TV series. I watch archives online since I do not often have access to current programming. I enjoy this show and watch several episodes at once. I still believe that the Good Guys triumph :-) At least in Hollywood :-)
Even while relaxing, I am aware and with all my senses I am living today. Riding with and experiencing every feeling.
A few minutes ago, Eric, the lead mechanic told me that he can not ever see me having a bad day. How odd of a thing for someone to say. It rains on the just and the unjust alike. I explained that when dark times come, I just don't choose to stay there very long. I learn what I was brought to be endued with, and push to move through it, and on back into the light tantalizing just ahead.
If I made a list? There is a horrific and atrocious column of the depravity and black, sinful nature of mankind. Crimes I have committed, and many enacted out upon me.
Across from that list, is notations of the lessons I learned. The skills I picked up. The way I encouraged myself and outgrew the injustices.
It is a mindset. I REFUSE to be a "victim" or a "survivor".
Nay, I am an OVERCOMER and triumphant, having waged war with the good and the evil that fluctuate around me from birth to death, and coming out the other side loving, warm, breathing, forgiving, and ever-optimistic. Looking for the inherent good in mankind.
If evil silences my song, extinguishes my light, muffles my hope? Then it wins.
I am determined to sing, to dance, to beam as a lighthouse beacon, and to roar with Purpose and passion and desire!!!
Do you ever listen to the background soundtrack in a TV show or movie? Not the highlighted songs where the hero and damsel dance under the stars while fireworks twinkle overhead. Rather the underlying mood-inducers.... the pulse, or tease, or race,, or throb,, or soothe,,, all stimulated by the sense of sound. Leading the way in expectation,,, setting the transition,,,, bursting into exhultation... pining for a loss...
I hear that on a day to day basis all around me. Everchanging. Always adapting. Moving to inner music, the outer influences, the chosen self-dialogue (yes, I answer myself too, lol).
If I am odd that I hear MUSIC in waking or sleeping moments? then let me stand out as EXTREMELY odd... I wouldn't trade my song for anything.
Nor will I let it be silenced, muted, or diminished.
In the oft-quoted wise words of Abraham Lincoln: "Whatever you are, be a good one."
So, Eric, what do you think about me now? Why do you like me above other drivers? It's not a relationship thing, in the usual man-woman way.... I am in your path to show you how to look up and out,, and past the darkness. If I was sent here to show you how to light the way for yourself? Then let me deliver that message.
Because, yes, friend, I do have bad days. Or portions of them anyway. It is how I conduct myself in trial or adversity, and how I treat others, and how I finish that will be the measure of this woman.
I take your observation as a compliment Also a solemn charge to continue being a light, a ray, to radiating love and joy,,,, for I AM being watched and therefore held accountable. To whom much is given, much is required.
It is my joy to serve, to give, to teach, to lead, to inspire, to encourage, to empathize, to have faith in my fellows.
May I never forget my Calling. One day, may I submit my own stubborn self-will fully and follow that passion that burns in my chest and mind. That lights my eyes with blazing sparkle and bounces my my step, when my body hurts like hell and is weary from this life. I am set apart, different, and I accept that. Live well inside of this charge to bless the world milling around me. I may be overlooked in matters of my own heart, passed by for relationship of my own... but I touch many lives, daily.
OH! To bring them relief and to help them find their way!!!!
And when I wonder why this life just goes on and on? Please, send me an Eric or Dora etc to say something that sounds superficial, but that rings true on the tuning fork in my innermost spirit and intricate working of my mind.
Let me remember why I am here. Why I have endured so much abuse. Why I have run the gamut of hurts. Why I have loved and lost.
Let me reach out with the Compassion, the Love, and the Lessons learned in the crucible of life.
Remind me, when the pain gets seemingly unbearable.... that someone is watching me, following my footsteps, observing my actions and path.
First, let me do no harm.
Please, let me REMEMBER.
Thankful for the reminder,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Well, certainly memory is a curious machine and strangely capricious. It has no order, it has no system, it has no notion of values, it is always throwing away gold and hoarding rubbish. Out of that dim old time I have recalled that swarm of wholly trifling facts with case and precision, yet to save my life I can't get back my mathematics. It vexes me, yet I am aware that everybody's memory is like that, and that therefore I have no right to complain.
- "Three Thousand Years among the Microbes"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The above quote was used in my favorite TV series. I watch archives online since I do not often have access to current programming. I enjoy this show and watch several episodes at once. I still believe that the Good Guys triumph :-) At least in Hollywood :-)
Even while relaxing, I am aware and with all my senses I am living today. Riding with and experiencing every feeling.
A few minutes ago, Eric, the lead mechanic told me that he can not ever see me having a bad day. How odd of a thing for someone to say. It rains on the just and the unjust alike. I explained that when dark times come, I just don't choose to stay there very long. I learn what I was brought to be endued with, and push to move through it, and on back into the light tantalizing just ahead.
If I made a list? There is a horrific and atrocious column of the depravity and black, sinful nature of mankind. Crimes I have committed, and many enacted out upon me.
Across from that list, is notations of the lessons I learned. The skills I picked up. The way I encouraged myself and outgrew the injustices.
It is a mindset. I REFUSE to be a "victim" or a "survivor".
Nay, I am an OVERCOMER and triumphant, having waged war with the good and the evil that fluctuate around me from birth to death, and coming out the other side loving, warm, breathing, forgiving, and ever-optimistic. Looking for the inherent good in mankind.
If evil silences my song, extinguishes my light, muffles my hope? Then it wins.
I am determined to sing, to dance, to beam as a lighthouse beacon, and to roar with Purpose and passion and desire!!!
Do you ever listen to the background soundtrack in a TV show or movie? Not the highlighted songs where the hero and damsel dance under the stars while fireworks twinkle overhead. Rather the underlying mood-inducers.... the pulse, or tease, or race,, or throb,, or soothe,,, all stimulated by the sense of sound. Leading the way in expectation,,, setting the transition,,,, bursting into exhultation... pining for a loss...
I hear that on a day to day basis all around me. Everchanging. Always adapting. Moving to inner music, the outer influences, the chosen self-dialogue (yes, I answer myself too, lol).
If I am odd that I hear MUSIC in waking or sleeping moments? then let me stand out as EXTREMELY odd... I wouldn't trade my song for anything.
Nor will I let it be silenced, muted, or diminished.
In the oft-quoted wise words of Abraham Lincoln: "Whatever you are, be a good one."
So, Eric, what do you think about me now? Why do you like me above other drivers? It's not a relationship thing, in the usual man-woman way.... I am in your path to show you how to look up and out,, and past the darkness. If I was sent here to show you how to light the way for yourself? Then let me deliver that message.
Because, yes, friend, I do have bad days. Or portions of them anyway. It is how I conduct myself in trial or adversity, and how I treat others, and how I finish that will be the measure of this woman.
I take your observation as a compliment Also a solemn charge to continue being a light, a ray, to radiating love and joy,,,, for I AM being watched and therefore held accountable. To whom much is given, much is required.
It is my joy to serve, to give, to teach, to lead, to inspire, to encourage, to empathize, to have faith in my fellows.
May I never forget my Calling. One day, may I submit my own stubborn self-will fully and follow that passion that burns in my chest and mind. That lights my eyes with blazing sparkle and bounces my my step, when my body hurts like hell and is weary from this life. I am set apart, different, and I accept that. Live well inside of this charge to bless the world milling around me. I may be overlooked in matters of my own heart, passed by for relationship of my own... but I touch many lives, daily.
OH! To bring them relief and to help them find their way!!!!
And when I wonder why this life just goes on and on? Please, send me an Eric or Dora etc to say something that sounds superficial, but that rings true on the tuning fork in my innermost spirit and intricate working of my mind.
Let me remember why I am here. Why I have endured so much abuse. Why I have run the gamut of hurts. Why I have loved and lost.
Let me reach out with the Compassion, the Love, and the Lessons learned in the crucible of life.
Remind me, when the pain gets seemingly unbearable.... that someone is watching me, following my footsteps, observing my actions and path.
First, let me do no harm.
Please, let me REMEMBER.
Thankful for the reminder,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Well, certainly memory is a curious machine and strangely capricious. It has no order, it has no system, it has no notion of values, it is always throwing away gold and hoarding rubbish. Out of that dim old time I have recalled that swarm of wholly trifling facts with case and precision, yet to save my life I can't get back my mathematics. It vexes me, yet I am aware that everybody's memory is like that, and that therefore I have no right to complain.
- "Three Thousand Years among the Microbes"
Pig Pen, This Here's The Rubber Duck.....
...... looks like we've got us a CONVOY!
LOL!! With a maiden name like HOOPER?? It was destiny to be a truck driver, LOL. Growing up in the years of Smokey and the Bandit, BJ and the Bear, Any Which Way You Can...the gamut ran from Burt Reynolds, Kris Kristofferson, Chuck Norris, Clint Eastwood, Greg whats-his-name, to my personal favorite and childhood crush, Jerry Reed.
As a teenager, I entered a short story writing contest. The Grand Prize? To be one of 3 contestants selected to go up onstage and read our story aloud during the JERRY REED concert at the annual Winter Haven Citrus Festival!!! A buddy and I both had that honor and I will never wash my hand again after shaking his, LOL.
Besides his rockabilly music, good looks and mild rebellious streak, I thought he was THE COOLEST because he wore his socks EVERYWHERE,,, even outside! As a good fan would, I imitated him. This was back in the days of gym shorts with the white stripe down the side and those hideous knee high tube socks with the ghastly colored rings.
My Mom protested, of course! I was 12-14 years old. A tomboy then as now. I was still climbing trees, playing baseball on league and sandlot, riding bikes, swimming in the lake all summer, etc. She put a 5 gallon bucket near the bath tub, and I was required to soak and scrub my filthy socks.
My mom carried a CB radio and a loaded 357 in the dash compartment of that old Plymouth. Dad had a loaded shotgun at the front door, and was known to pick up a 2x4 or whatever lay at hand to finish a job if he felt like it. Whipped by belt, shoe, hairbrush, orange tree limb, whatever either parent could grab, we learned to stand still, not jump and DON'T PUT YOUR HAND BACK THERE or it will get smacked too!
A Daddy's girl, side by side, I "helped" as I wrenched on cars and trucks under the shade of the old oak tree, rebuilt carbuerators, adjusted brakes, changed tires, spark plugs, and oil. With my own set of hand tools, I sawed, hammered, screwed, soldered, welded and created something out of nothing with wood, glass, metal and whatever lay around that could be made into SOMETHING cool.
Oh, the memories! Diet consisted of baloney sandwhiches, and if it was a good week? PBJ with honey. A latchkey kid from 4 years old, I pretty much concocted what I wanted to ,, and if it didn't turn out to taste? I was 4 years older than my brother, and I insisted that "Mikey would eat anything"... lol!!!! Sorry about that one time I hollowed out a fresh ground HB patty and filled it with paprika. Hey, Bro! You survived! LOL XOXO
Want a soda or candy bar??? Go newspaper box, to box,,, soda machine to soda machine,,, pushing the coin return button. Gather up nickel by dime, then go hunt up a glass returnable RC bottle to save on the deposit.
Family reunions were 100's of people I knew, because I saw them EVERY year whether I wanted to or not! And the covered dish, potluck extravaganza FEAST was spread out on sawhorse plank tables. If we remembered? A sheet was draped across it to keep out the flies. NO refrigeration on all that potatoe salad and cole slaw with the mayonaaise! We churned our own ice cream, and added peaches from the tree that we plucked for ourselves. Toss in a few pecans after cleaning the bitter crumbs out of the creases, and it was heaven on earth!
Horseshoe tossing competitions, horse and buggy rides, quilting, reading paperback Zane Grey and Louie Lamour Westerns, hide and seek, and freeze tag were the planned activities, while the elders laughed, guffawed, yarned and spit their tobacky juice into the dirt or if they were sophisticated, into a Green Giant niblet corn can.
In Alabama, if you got mad at one cousin, just go a few feet, there many more to link arms with and be best buds for a day. Don't make mom, aunt, uncle, or Papa mad. If you do? Go get your own peach switch straight from the tree. Or worse??? Go to bed, and miss out on all the fun. If I got sent to my room back in Florida??? The greatest punishment of all was to have to sit crosslegged on my bed, NO BOOKS!! I would have rather taken one of those awful brutal whippings, than not be allowed to read or write :(
My Alabama aunt and uncle took me to the old timey, hellfire and brimstone Church of God in Gardendale, AL and EVERYONE sang up on the platform in the choir. I learned to read at age 4 by following along in the old dog-eared hymn books to "Just A Little Talk With Jesus (makes it right)".
Then my Florida aunt and uncle, the ones that did the majority of "raising me" took me, took me to the brush arbor church, Holiness Church Of Ollie Road, in (Galloway) Lakeland. This had sawdust floors, wooden pews, spiders,and hand -held, paper fans you moved yourself. The menfolk came to service straight from work still wearing their overalls and flannel shirts.They would shake hands in the parking lot, get to talking about "the goodness of our LORD this week", and begin to dance and shout right there, before the music and preaching ever began!
So yes, it seems like life was hard, when you look back on THEN versus the amenities of NOW. But, it was predictable. And very genuine. Very surrounding. Very immersive.
Simple. Tactile. If not outwardly loving? Then at least it was familiar and available.
Wind the tape forward. Crank the reel to reel. Punch the button to change tracks on the 8 track. Find a new groove on the LP. Adjust the rabbit ears. Twist that AM/FM analog dial on the transitor radio. Flip the pages of the book!
Here I am today. Another of my FL aunt and uncle teamed up as OTR. My Lakeland cousin drove semis for years until drugs and wasted life stripped him of his health and dignity. My own younger brother? Outgrew me by a foot, and has been OTR for 15 years already.
Say, PigPen, this here's the Rubber Duck! Looks like we've got us a CONVOY!
The intention for today??? Still in Jacksonville, basically getting shafted and not making any miles, money, or stretching my work legs? Fully, I am determining in the course of this letter my path for the rest of today.
Some days? We are the bug. Some days we are the windshield. Which one do you choose?
TODAY I AM GOING TO BE THE WINDSHIELD!!!!
God bless, and off we go, to make it a good day, or the best of what it is, as it comes!
Have a great one!
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
LOL!! With a maiden name like HOOPER?? It was destiny to be a truck driver, LOL. Growing up in the years of Smokey and the Bandit, BJ and the Bear, Any Which Way You Can...the gamut ran from Burt Reynolds, Kris Kristofferson, Chuck Norris, Clint Eastwood, Greg whats-his-name, to my personal favorite and childhood crush, Jerry Reed.
As a teenager, I entered a short story writing contest. The Grand Prize? To be one of 3 contestants selected to go up onstage and read our story aloud during the JERRY REED concert at the annual Winter Haven Citrus Festival!!! A buddy and I both had that honor and I will never wash my hand again after shaking his, LOL.
Besides his rockabilly music, good looks and mild rebellious streak, I thought he was THE COOLEST because he wore his socks EVERYWHERE,,, even outside! As a good fan would, I imitated him. This was back in the days of gym shorts with the white stripe down the side and those hideous knee high tube socks with the ghastly colored rings.
My Mom protested, of course! I was 12-14 years old. A tomboy then as now. I was still climbing trees, playing baseball on league and sandlot, riding bikes, swimming in the lake all summer, etc. She put a 5 gallon bucket near the bath tub, and I was required to soak and scrub my filthy socks.
My mom carried a CB radio and a loaded 357 in the dash compartment of that old Plymouth. Dad had a loaded shotgun at the front door, and was known to pick up a 2x4 or whatever lay at hand to finish a job if he felt like it. Whipped by belt, shoe, hairbrush, orange tree limb, whatever either parent could grab, we learned to stand still, not jump and DON'T PUT YOUR HAND BACK THERE or it will get smacked too!
A Daddy's girl, side by side, I "helped" as I wrenched on cars and trucks under the shade of the old oak tree, rebuilt carbuerators, adjusted brakes, changed tires, spark plugs, and oil. With my own set of hand tools, I sawed, hammered, screwed, soldered, welded and created something out of nothing with wood, glass, metal and whatever lay around that could be made into SOMETHING cool.
Oh, the memories! Diet consisted of baloney sandwhiches, and if it was a good week? PBJ with honey. A latchkey kid from 4 years old, I pretty much concocted what I wanted to ,, and if it didn't turn out to taste? I was 4 years older than my brother, and I insisted that "Mikey would eat anything"... lol!!!! Sorry about that one time I hollowed out a fresh ground HB patty and filled it with paprika. Hey, Bro! You survived! LOL XOXO
Want a soda or candy bar??? Go newspaper box, to box,,, soda machine to soda machine,,, pushing the coin return button. Gather up nickel by dime, then go hunt up a glass returnable RC bottle to save on the deposit.
Family reunions were 100's of people I knew, because I saw them EVERY year whether I wanted to or not! And the covered dish, potluck extravaganza FEAST was spread out on sawhorse plank tables. If we remembered? A sheet was draped across it to keep out the flies. NO refrigeration on all that potatoe salad and cole slaw with the mayonaaise! We churned our own ice cream, and added peaches from the tree that we plucked for ourselves. Toss in a few pecans after cleaning the bitter crumbs out of the creases, and it was heaven on earth!
Horseshoe tossing competitions, horse and buggy rides, quilting, reading paperback Zane Grey and Louie Lamour Westerns, hide and seek, and freeze tag were the planned activities, while the elders laughed, guffawed, yarned and spit their tobacky juice into the dirt or if they were sophisticated, into a Green Giant niblet corn can.
In Alabama, if you got mad at one cousin, just go a few feet, there many more to link arms with and be best buds for a day. Don't make mom, aunt, uncle, or Papa mad. If you do? Go get your own peach switch straight from the tree. Or worse??? Go to bed, and miss out on all the fun. If I got sent to my room back in Florida??? The greatest punishment of all was to have to sit crosslegged on my bed, NO BOOKS!! I would have rather taken one of those awful brutal whippings, than not be allowed to read or write :(
My Alabama aunt and uncle took me to the old timey, hellfire and brimstone Church of God in Gardendale, AL and EVERYONE sang up on the platform in the choir. I learned to read at age 4 by following along in the old dog-eared hymn books to "Just A Little Talk With Jesus (makes it right)".
Then my Florida aunt and uncle, the ones that did the majority of "raising me" took me, took me to the brush arbor church, Holiness Church Of Ollie Road, in (Galloway) Lakeland. This had sawdust floors, wooden pews, spiders,and hand -held, paper fans you moved yourself. The menfolk came to service straight from work still wearing their overalls and flannel shirts.They would shake hands in the parking lot, get to talking about "the goodness of our LORD this week", and begin to dance and shout right there, before the music and preaching ever began!
So yes, it seems like life was hard, when you look back on THEN versus the amenities of NOW. But, it was predictable. And very genuine. Very surrounding. Very immersive.
Simple. Tactile. If not outwardly loving? Then at least it was familiar and available.
Wind the tape forward. Crank the reel to reel. Punch the button to change tracks on the 8 track. Find a new groove on the LP. Adjust the rabbit ears. Twist that AM/FM analog dial on the transitor radio. Flip the pages of the book!
Here I am today. Another of my FL aunt and uncle teamed up as OTR. My Lakeland cousin drove semis for years until drugs and wasted life stripped him of his health and dignity. My own younger brother? Outgrew me by a foot, and has been OTR for 15 years already.
Say, PigPen, this here's the Rubber Duck! Looks like we've got us a CONVOY!
The intention for today??? Still in Jacksonville, basically getting shafted and not making any miles, money, or stretching my work legs? Fully, I am determining in the course of this letter my path for the rest of today.
Some days? We are the bug. Some days we are the windshield. Which one do you choose?
TODAY I AM GOING TO BE THE WINDSHIELD!!!!
God bless, and off we go, to make it a good day, or the best of what it is, as it comes!
Have a great one!
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
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