Intention For 2018

Prospect Lake, Memorial Park, Colorado Springs

Hello old friend! I have not published a new or fresh blog post since I left Florida in June of 2014! I have missed the pure expression of free writing.  There have been spurts of time where I wrote in notebooks, texted myself notes as I rode the motorcycle, or typed a letter here or there. But by and large, I've had a writer's block.  I know the year I spent in North Georgia was very challenging to someone like me that likes a bit of calm and order.  I both loved and lost. Then in July, two family members in Florida passed away suddenly.  My semi truck home was struck by lightning and caught fire. My beautiful, beloved old Cocker Spaniel, Addy, passed away. And in February 2015, my mom crossed the Great Divide after a few years of struggling with Alzheimers.

Ol Man River, my beautiful Addy Born sometime in 1999, passed away Fall 2014

I'm not sure why I did not blog from June 2014- February 2015?  But I know when the impenetrable gulf was fixed. The day in February 2015 that my mom passed away, I spent time with six angels, but did not share it.  The more time that passed, the more solid and dark the gulf became.  One day, perhaps I can write that out.

 As far as I can recall, there was not a written 2017 Intention.

My Intention for 2018 came to me on November 24, 2017 at 9:42 pm. In a text to myself I wrote, "My 2018 Intention is to 'Be Better'. A better friend, family, inspiration and to #AlwaysBeHumbleAndKind."  Always a work in progress to be the best ME that I can, this Intention  resonates throughout my Being.

I still live my life based on my friend, Mark's Stephen's book "Who Are You Choosing To Be?" From the Fall of 2010 to now, I have become someone I love, embrace and want to be. I live happily aware of the gift in this Present Moment. I take care to find the blessing, and there is *ALWAYS a blessing. I embody Love- Gratitude- Forgiveness. I've learned to accept GRACE for me, and to pay that same grace forward. It's not always easy, but I try to embrace Change as an adventure and opportunity for growth. As much as possible, I reach outside of myself to others and try to be of service and an inspiration.  I've learned to have No Fear, to Love others and myself, and to let love in to myself as well ( truly a work in progress, always). The greatest gift of all was when I found my breath and learned to focus it, allow it, and how to channel it.

How will I "Be Better" in 2018?  There are several big Life Changes coming up in the first two weeks of this year!!! I didn't even blog during the time I arrived in Colorado Springs to live with Alisha and the three grandcritters. All that time and all those experiences missed so far as recording them here. I can't take that back.  I can assure that it was spent in a perpetual state of being seriously blessed and grateful. I even let some friendships go ...  I stayed VERY Present Moment and didn't take time to write it out. There are SD cards FULL of the many many photos taken of Jeremiah who was 5 years old, Terran who was 4 years old, and of Thora who was 2 years old when I arrived in June 2015.

Coming to live with them was a shock to my system. When I first went OTR, it was painful to stand, work, sleep or even breathe in the utter silence and solitude of Empty Nest.  Over time, I grew to enjoy my own company and to cherish my wild and free, sunny intrinsic inner Introvert. How ironic then to go from absolute stillness and personal space bubble to five people in a 3 bedroom, 1 bath apartment!!!!

Only taking about 3 weeks off from driving, I began a job as an Instructor at a truck driving school 30 miles from the apartment. It has been such an honor and joy to teach adult men and women how to attain their CDL licenses to drive busses, eighteen wheelers or box trucks. I feel humbled and honored to work with the royalty of Veterans and their families. It was a season of still being of service, a part of the transportation industry and of use by Paying Forward the goodness and seeds sown into my life!  I excelled at being an Instructor, an Examiner and eventually Lead Instructor! What a treasured chapter of my life!! January 11, 2018 is my last shift at the school....  I've made many friends of the heart in this time... SO VERY HUMBLED AND GRATEFUL!

Turn the page again ~

The transition period is never easy for me.  I love deeply, work, play and interact with headlong abandon and a fully open heart. The plans for the near future worry me.

I already feel the pain of a full heart, but empty arms as I leave the sanctity of home with Alisha and the 3 grands.  I will be going back to driving OTR again on January 15, 2018. The uncertainty of will I be "enough" or successful as the breadwinner or if I will successfully strike a new balance of personal space, an okay friend or family member and  suitable employee is daunting and keeps me awake at night with the weight of the world crashing upon my shoulders.  It's always been personal demons of mine to "fail" or "disappoint" those I love or care about.  This is no different. The stakes and well-being of Alisha and the kids rest on me. Letting them down is not an option, but it *IS settling heavy on my Spirit. How to "Be Better" is the challenge!

Be sure, the sappy poignancy of country music will have to go on the shelf for now, LOL. I hope for a friend or family that will do the work of staying in touch with me as I wander away from the familiar home of my heart. I don't hold a lot of faith in it, though. My experience has been that people only think about you when you seek them or do something for them. I'm a ghost and easily overlooked and discarded. Our world of social media, cell phones and Internet has only made us LESS connected as a society. I do not like the hollowness of text message friendships, and in that, my arms ache to hold or be held in a hug or touch. I guess it is asking too much of others. And when absent, it will be too easy to be passed over. A new burden to deal with, a mind monster and deeply personal loss.

Even as I type the above, I note that being stationary in a home, job, family did not turn out as I hoped or mused it would. When I last blogged in 2014, I thought I was lonely then.  I was sure if I had a home it would be the fix to my making friends, a relationship, something deep, sincere and lasting.  But I did not find a church home, make friends that actually WANT to spend time with me, or meet a partner. It's the same ol', same old. I give, until spent and left discarded as a sour dishrag. I'm just older, more alone. It's all still just a Reason or Season... a chapter that no one notices turning to the next. I'll just move on again, recreate myself anew, and fade away now that I'm not present to do anything for anyone.  Perhaps, I need to "Be Better"? Will it make a difference? I always hope... If I don't like it? I am responsible to BE THE LIGHT, BE THE CHANGE. To "Be Better".

Long ago I lost my compass of wishes, hopes and dreams.  I hop lily pad to lily pad. Sometimes, the weight of it all causes me to slip and I tumble underwater.  I didn't find myself in the past few years, or the seasons before. How to "Be Better"?

One thing about Colorado has been the absence of freshwater lakes and lush green colors. I've explored the mountains, lakes, reservoirs, woods and open skies in my Subaru, on the motorcycle, and by foot. A lot of Sundays are spent getting off by myself, deep into my head and heart, either recharging my Introvert batteries, or stretching my arms wide to an uncaring expansive sky. I do miss lakes...  Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting to get away by myself for awhile. I need to "Be Better" to get better.

My way of dealing with the fuckery of Life is to tuck and roll. That's where I am today.  Weeks ago, I found myself emotionally withdrawing. It's less giving up as it is just tucking back into the safe places of my shell and walls. I'm going to be leaving in a few days. I feel like I am losing more than I am gaining.  Helpless to affect the Change we *MUST HAVE in our household, without leaving, I knew in October of last year that the shifting sands under my feet were sliding me right out the door.  So, I began to protect my heart. Those spontaneous gifts of moments and opportunities will never return and I have squandered precious time with those I care about. That hurts, and to ward off the pain that I caused by my cold gypsy soul, I shelter and channel my energies into just making the best of the new plans.  I miss Jeremiah, Terran, Thora and Alisha already and I am still physically here.  What a fool!  I need to let "it" in and be more successful at "loving like there's no such thing as broken heart". How to risk "me" to "Be Better"?

January 7, 2018, Lake Deweese, Westcliffe, CO.

"... It's the Creator calling the created,

the Maker beckoning the made..."  "In You", Mercy Me

Trucking is such a fickle mistress and I will be submitting my hopes and desires to that cranky entity.  Spending a day to myself at the lake to scream and howl out loud, to clear the jam in my spirit, turned out to be an exquisite solitude. The lake was frozen solid and I got to play on its surface. There were people ice fishing.  Over by the spillway, the water still flowed and tumbled over rocks to a small waterfall, ending in a stream below. The sides of the spillway had ice and I spent over an hour with the sprays of the water wetting my shoes, while the tears soaked my face and shirt. There’s something soul cleansing about running water. The trickle, crescendo, the wash and the fall are so symbolic of tears that flow and cleanse a soul leaving me spent and empty, but open to God and Universe for what is next. Made fallow ground for new seeds to be sown and tended.  I will hope to “Be Better” going into the next days of this big life change.

In October, I was injured during a test by a driver incident. In all my nearly 50 years, I’ve never had to file for Worker’s Comp, only to be denied coverage this time due to the school not sending in proper documentation. The director of the school has since moved on, leaving my claim hanging.  But my neck, shoulder, head and back remain in perpetual pain whiplash, torn muscles, pinched nerves, there’s a bursa sac under my shoulder blade…. It affects my range of motion, my strength, and very importantly the quality and amount of sleep I can get.  I want to be better, not bitter. I’ve done the physical therapy, the gym, the patient healing, and am ready to be well entirely. This year, 2018, will see me physically work towards the goal to “Be Better”.

Turn the page~

(I stopped writing this entry. I’m picking it back up in Missoula, Montana.)

It’s January 16, 2018, a Tuesday evening, a random hotel in Montana.

Instead of watching videos for homework, this document popped up and I decided to finish and publish it. I took my DOT Physical Monday and my road test today and passed them both.  So much to learn, relearn, and remember. My Intention to “Be Better” is to be an even safer driver than ever before and to be sensitive to the whispers of Life  ie: becoming a driver trainer again, an admin person in an office or so on.

The day I left Colorado Springs was full of tears and self-doubts. I have a wonderful support of friends and family and was not alone until I boarded the first airplane. My blessings abound and I am ever so grateful for this chapter and the angels walking the earth as women and men that accompany me as I make this transition of the heart. Thank you sincerely! My plan as a human is to simply “Be Better” through it all.  <3 font="">

My original thoughts were to copy the lyrics to “I’m Already There” because I sang them to Jeremiah a couple of days before I left and he asked me if I made them up myself.  However, the last day I was home, I took the three grandkids to the lake and later to City Rock for indoor rock climbing.  In the car, my playlist included “Lean on Me”. When we got home, Terran asked me to play it again. Then my sensitive middle grandboy said, “That’s such a beautiful song. Listen to what it’s saying in music. We should dance to that so it will sink in.”

 And so we did. I put it on repeat and the three kids and I took turns partnered up, dancing in the living room, sealing the lyrics and their meaning into our hearts.  I learn every day from their innocence and their views.  In this I learned it’s not always letting others lean on me that makes me “Be Better”. It’s being open, and even leaning on another when needed. For we all need someone…. 

 The “Be Better” Intention 2018, is a work in progress.

Being,

Jan O

~J~


Lean On Me
Bill Withers

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on for it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won't let show

You just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on for it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on

You just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road, I'll share your load
If you just call me

You just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road, I'll share your load
If you just call me

Call me
(Yeah, if you need a friend)
Call me
(You need a helping hand)

Call me, call me

Songwriters: BILL WITHERS

I'm Already There

Lonestar

He called her on the road
From a lonely, cold hotel room
Just to hear her say I love you one more time
But when he heard the sound
Of the kids laughing in the background
He had to wipe away a tear from his eye
A little voice came on the phone
Said, "Daddy when you coming home?"
He said the first thing that came to his mind

I'm already there
Take a look around
I'm the sunshine in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground
I'm the whisper in the wind
I'm your imaginary friend
And I know I'm in your prayers
Oh, I'm already there

She got back on the phone
Said I really miss you, darling
Don't worry about the kids--they'll be all right
Wish I was in your arms
Lying right there beside you
But I know that I'll be in your dreams tonight
And I'll gently kiss your lips
Touch you with my fingertips
So turn out the light and close your eyes

I'm already there
Don't make a sound
I'm the beat in your heart
I'm the moonlight shining down
I'm the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there until the end
Can you feel the love that we share?
Oh, I'm already there

We may be a thousand miles apart
But I'll be with you wherever you are

I'm already there
Take a look around
I'm the sunshine in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground
I'm the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there until the end
Can you feel the love that we share?
Oh, I'm already there
Oh, I'm already there

Smelling Flowers Along The Way

After a long, extra cold Winter, I am enjoying Spring and the South.  Whether it's the good sweet iced tea, or just the aw shucks, good manners? Loving being "home"...

Looking back over journals, emails, logs etc I see reminders of the Process.  Divorce itself was just a piece of paper after too many years of _______ (fill in the blank, because I don't care anymore.) However, Empty Nest was a maelstrom  of pain, loss, anger and my roots being ripped away.  It was like Spring, Summer and Fall were over and a blizzard of Winter ate me into barely hanging by a thread. Knowing most pains and seasons get better, but spending dark times wondering if I could hold up. 

Then shaking it off!  Getting my CDL, putting our lifetime of "Remember Whens" into storage units, getting a PO Box and a friend to let me use her home as a physical address for my license - - I flew into Dallas, TX in July 2007 to embark on something new, unexpected and a touch wild!

Somewhere along the Journey of the past decade and beyond, I lost myself, found someone new. Someone strong, independant, fearless in many ways.  I have learned to be excited by new opportunities, Change and the What Ifs.  Blessed to keep old friends and family, reunite with others, and to open my heart to the possibilities of new people, places and things.

Recently, I drove through the Maggie Valley area of the Great Smokey Mountains. As far back as 2004, Lewis and I drove up from Lake County Florida with my two girls to go snow skiing. We wanted to enjoy the girls being at home during their JR/SR high school years and find snow. 

Then, my very first expedition as a completely solo, lonely, broken single woman with Empty Nest, I rode my motorcycle from Lake County to camp 8 days in a tent in Deep Creek, near Bryson City, NC also in the Great Smokey Mountains National Park.  It was 22 degrees that October, but this Florida gal rode up to 12 hours a day enjoying Autumn, the Nantahala River, the  318 curves in 11 miles of the Dragon of Deal's Gap, the Blue Ridge Parkway... and just the mapping the trip, to the long ride up there.... Well?  I left a broken, drifting woman... and came back as the beginning of the stronger current version of myself.

Even getting my CDL and suddenly having more time off, more money, more travelling experiences?  I still see in my writings how LONELY I was. How I craved roots.  A home.  A companion. A family. As time went on, my dogs retired from travelling with me.  That is a very big hole still in me today. 

June 8, 2008 I prayed back through in Cooper City, Florida.  There I found such love, such hope... if God has a human face? There was patient love and concern at the church there. 

Over time, the loneliness has eased. Yes, still flare ups. Holidays are rough. Missing my girls like crazy. I suppose I still think about a companion... although, by now, I think a dog would be plenty.  And I am growing in the LORD, finding the servant's heart and giving of my affection, finances, attention to those I meet along the way. Staying connected through church, social media, and nurturing relationships with family and friends,,, when the easy way out would be to just stay in my own shell. Seems the "safer" way would be to keep to myself. 

But God has poured so much grace and mercy into me. I have a testimony. I am blessed with abundance - tangible and the unseen, unmeasurable. I encounter Love everywhere I go, and try to reflect that Light out again.  To be the hands, feet, voice,,, to be used of God. Truth - you can NOT outgive God!

Lately, my musings have begun to repeat themselves. WHERE DO I WANT TO LIVE? Where do I want to work?  Why am I doing any of this?  I suppose after 7 years out here, it's reasonable to want to question WHAT'S NEXT?

Just this past week, it felt like going "home" when I drove a load through Asheville, Sylva, Bryson City etc. Saw familiar stores, mom and pop diners, and familiar routes I explored on my motorcycle that Autumn of 2006. 

A new longing has been gnawing me - when I do take "Time Off" I want it to be in the wild, untamed mountains, rivers, and open lands.  South Florida is choking my spirit.  But where would I go to church? Park my motorcycle, car, boat, receive my mail if I leave the familiarity and church of South Florida?

Gosh, is it time to hold my nose and jump off the Deep End again?  The churning in my tummy lets me know I am on to something.  One chapter is sliding off the page,,, the new pages beckoning. 

Someone I trust said some very kind things about words I had shared.  They have stirred me so I am copying them here .

 "Dear Poet: I have been reading your words for a few years now.  This particular entry has sensuality without sex, love without obligation, and care without expectation.  It reads like a chapter from a beautiful "inspired by" biography. "

We write in the pages of the Life we have been given, we all do this. We Process in ways that are as varied  as we are individual.  My Go To is to write.  Sometimes I reach out, often, the old habits of tucking and rolling to protect myself kick in and I do not share. 

My friend's words stir affirmations in me. I like that he sees these traits in me, and plan to live up to them, if only for myself. To be the best version of myself that I can be.  Challenge accepted!

My Intention for 2014 was shared in private with my oldest daughter.  It was simply "To Love".  The deep explanation, is not just to love others more (the EASY PART!), but to allow others to love me.  Letting others pour what they have of talents, wishes, hopes and dreams into the mixing pot. Even when someone has nothing to offer in material measures of the world and our spoiled culture, if they love one another as Christ so loved? To open myself. To enjoy this world with others, on their Journeys.  The Flow of Giving and Receiving of insights, experiences, valuables unclogged from my fears and reticence.

To become vulnerable again after all these years of SELF: Determination, Reliance,  Provision, Love, Care.

I see the fruits of this awareness when I begin to experience  passions, such as a desire to live somewhere, to belong, to have roots, foundation and a base to support the  branches available to be by my job as an over the road truck driver.

That allowing LOVE in scares me? Signs like blinking neon that I am to move towards this unknown. 

I've stared into the abyss. I've wished for death, I've tread water. I've stepped out of my Comfort Zone. I've created, recreated and created myself over and again. 

It's just now that I see the sweet stirrings of Spring in my life as well as the natural world. From the pungent flowers, to the myriad colors, to the sounds of life around me, I am drawn out of my truck, my comfort, and my hiding place into the world around me. 

It's a lot like riding my motorcycle. Put the helmet on, create the environment, and let go! Blowing the cobwebs out, releasing tensions, trying new things, taking a "wrong" turn and letting Life show me her majesty! 

Years ago, I could not abide the bittersweet of Country music. Getting to where I can avoid the harsh pain and enjoy the hopeful happiness.  Reminded that Brad Paisley's "When I Get Where I'm Going" says what my words can not convey. "Yeah when I get where I'm goin,

There'll be only happy tears. I will shed the sins and struggles, I have carried all these years. And I'll leave my heart wide open, I will love and have no fear. Yeah when I get where I'm goin, Don't cry for me down here."

The link to Brad's YouTube video is here ---->>>   When I Get Where I'm Going

Writing my own story,

Janet M. Olsen

~J~

"When  Get Where I'm Going"

(Feat. Dolly Parton)
When I get where I'm going,
On the far side of the sky,
The first thing I'm gonna do
Is spread my wing and fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion,
And run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what its like,
To ride a drop of rain

(Chorus)
Yeah when I get where I'm goin,
There'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles 
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm goin,
Don't cry for me down here

I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy.
And he'll match me step for step.
And I'll tell him how I missed him
Every minute sence he left,
Then I'll hug his neck.

(Repeat chorus)

So much pain and so much darkness,
In this world we stumble through.
All these questions I can't answer,
And so much work to do

But when I get where I'm goin,
And I see my maker's face,
I'll stand forever in the light,
Of his amazing Grace.

Yeah when I get where I'm goin,
There'll be only happy tears.
I will love and have no fear.

The Butterfly Chaser's Letter

Today was a turning point for me! 

Have you ever been drawn to follow a bird, a butterfly, or the sounds of the woods until you are IN the forest?  The noises and movement that attracted you becomes eerily still. 

Do you wait, stand still, and simply breathe in and out?

Perhaps you BECOME a part of the forest, and one by one, nature entrusts you with her glory and she begins moving, breathing, singing again in and around you.

Today, I entrusted a friend of mine with a letter that was long in coming.  I began to "write" and all of the recent anxieties that grip my heart and throat poured out in a rush!  I wrote in a safe place, to a safe friend.  This reminds me some of prayers to God.  In my case, my personal cross that I bear and submit daily is my driving reliance on SELF - self-motivation, self-determination, self-provision, and so on. 

People like to mention the good things they see in me such as the Light (of God), my bounce and joy (of God) and my strength,,,, ut oh, too often that strength is "of Jan".  I end up bearing way more of the burden of this crazy life than I was ever designed to do.

My health, sleep, attitude, and spiritual life is drained by this SELF problem.

Funny, I didn't really write about SELF to my friend. He already knows me, and knows my issues and inner struggles.  No, today, I released the angst that bound me in knots lately. I told him at the end of the letter that I KNEW the weight was lifted, the chokehold burst!  Grateful!

I feel like today was a failure or shortcoming, when measured by own critical SELF barometer. I am an agressive and determined person, and as a driver, that is an asset.  Yet, today, I allowed personal weakness to stop me short of the goal.  I will make the same money on this trip whether it posts this week or next.  Usually, I rely on mySELF and I push through any physical, mental, emotional or spiritual pain.

Not today.

Instead, I parked 150 miles early, making it a grossly negligent short day on my job.  I felt led to get out of the truck to walk a bit.

That's when I heard IT!  The Siren call of the katydids in the wooded rest area!  Drawn further into the shadows, the songs of home in Central Florida and my youth rose and surged like the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir.  Only this time, it was God's Creation!   I stopped just in the path and took first one cleansing breath, then a second, then, closing my eyes, a third, and I BECAME a part of the chorus of breath and pure expression God offered.

I am seeing light ahead of me from a recent battle.  It has been detailed and threatened my loved ones and ways I know to move in Life with them.

As for the Butterfly Chaser in me?  I remember in Fall 2011, God gave me a gift of a paid, working trip from Florida, all up through New England during the peak of Autumn colors.  On I-77 as NC gave way to VA, Maurice and I were talking. This was early in our friendship.  I remember telling him "I chose to be very Present and very grateful for today and this trip. If you want to share my joy WITH me, then we can talk along my drive.  But if you have need to be negative or to pop my Happy Bubbles?  Then we need to hang up and catch later.....  we ended up talking later.

There is nothing wrong with either of our approach to a day or to Life.  Over our year, I have found we complement each other well and add texture to the facets that make us who we are. 

This is where I am in this very Present Moment.  Anyone can CHOOSE to get in my bubble and share the gratitude, love, and forgiveness I have towards Life and others,,,, or we can hang up for awhile and see if we reconnect along the way. 

You choose.

For now?  I am content at becoming ONE with God's creation and experiencing the fullness of his glory again.

Thank you for every prayer, every word, every thought, every shared moment. 

I am back.

I am LION, hear me ROAR!
~Janet M. Olsen
~Jan~

ps. as I closed this, another driver came up to me, inviting me to join him and his wife for prayer. PEOPLE- I am at a rest area in rural Tennessee! only GOD feeds the sparrows like that! Only GOD!!!

Change Taking Place

As I thought of the title to this entry, I was singing the song "Changes" by the 1980's group, YES and their "90125" album.



Change is abounding.  Whether it's the shift to Daylight Savings time this weekend, or Spring, new relationships, or clearing the way for new to enter a life?  Changes come in as inexorably as the tides upon the seashore. Like a wave, it brings in new treasures and takes out a piece of the beach as it rolls away.

Life is like that.  You spend a season or chapter of your life, and as time moves on, so do you.

Today in particular held such wide swings of highs and lows, celebrations and regrets, letting go and holding on.  I am left feeling wearily grateful overall. I am sad for the parts I should have done different or better as a person, but I am happy inside for shifts that came after years of prayer and seeking.  Change taking places.

I've cried several times today  and in the past few weeks.  A few times it was relief and joy.  A couple of times it was anger and frustration.  And sometimes, it was feeling hurt or let down by people I have near my life.  I don't want to close back up like a turtle, but, it is tempting.

I wrote for a full 90 minutes this morning shouting to the heavens in joy and excitement.... and I cannot let anything dim the truths from that.  The rest are just distractions and not where I am supposed to focus my attention.

If I remain true to my goals, passions, personal belief systems, I will add optimism and joy to my life.  I will weed out negativity, unbelief, and disregard,  This means it's time to cull my contacts again.  Changes.

Goals met and new ones formed for my job, family, health, spiritual pursuits, and interactions with the world around me.  I've had a great quarter in my job as a Commercial Truck Driver. I met a goal I set on March 23, 2001 just this past week on February 28th.  I have now been into all 48 Continental USA and Canada with my semi truck, The last two states were the Dakotas. Brrrrr in February, big grin.

My personal life of friends, family, loved ones, priorities, God, Country?  I am still trying.  I have a lot of shortcomings. But I want to improve.  I want to let my light shine and let go, let God.  Same old refrain, new day, new mercies.  Changes.

New friends, old friends.  Seasons, reasons.  Footprints and fellow travellers.  It's been a year of dynamic Changes.

I am scared of the near future.  A sign that I should push on.  If I were to remain rooted in the past or inside the box?  I would not be me.  I would be static.   This is not a true sign of the inner me.

The way I will end tonight, after this blog, is to pray, meditate, and probably cry again as I get in the bunk. Some highs and lows. Some happy, some mad, some sad, some disappointments.  All of it small in the 20 year rule.  Changes.

Looking ahead with anticipation,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
CHANGES - 90125 YES

I'm moving through some changes
I'll never be the same
Something you did touched me
There's no one else to blame

The love we had has fallen
The love we used to share
We've given up pretending
As if you didn't care

Change changing places
Root yourself to the ground
Capitalize on this good fortune
One word can bring you round
Changes

I look into the mirror
I see no happiness
All the warmth I gave you
Has turned to emptiness
The love we had has fallen
The love we used to share
You've left me here believing
In love that wasn't there

Change changing places
Root yourself to the ground
Word to the wise - Well you get what's coming
One word can bring you round
Changes

When I look into your eyes and try to find out how
There's no way to save it now
And everything I feel
Changes
Keep looking for
Changes
Changes

For some reason you're questioning why
I always believe it gets better
One difference between you and I
Your heart is inside your head One word from you
One word from me
A clear design on your liberty
Who could believe when love has gone
How we move on like everyone

Only such fools
Only such jealous hearts

Only through love changes come

Change changing places
Root yourself to the ground
Capitalize on this good fortune
One word can bring you round
Changes

One road to loneliness
It's always the same
One road to happiness
It's calling your name

Change changing places - Changes
Root yourself to the ground
Capitalize on this good fortune
One word can bring you round
Changes

Change changing places
Changes
Root yourself to the ground
Word to the wise - Well you get what's coming
One word - One word can bring you round
Changes

This Must Be My Writing Space

I had a great laugh out loud just now.  I had packed my duffle bag with dress and playtime clothes anticipating  the next 2 days off duty from my semi truck.  I am backed into a dock in one of the tightest receivers we frequent. I had sent texts to a handful of people to touch base to remind them I have not forgotten them or their faithful patience. I had conditioned and combed through my unruly, truck driver's bed head.   And then I plopped into the driver's seat.  I refreshed my web browser and had a WAVE of GRATITUDE come over me.  

It seems this location is prime Writing Space?  Once when I was here on December 29, 2010 a torrent of words fought to get typed in a coherent form and I spewed all of the "IT" that had been holding me bondage to dis-ease, unforgiveness, pain of heart and of body!  I wrote over 12 pages on a PDF and when I was wearily trying to find a cute ending?  I was so darned relieved to be free of the poison of "IT" that had sat so deep in my soul and gut all of my entire life!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I was speechless :)

Quick to recognize that GRATIUDE feeling, I had an urge to write again.  A follow-up of GRATITUDE for the recent battles. As quick as I could, I cued up this blog, and the USUAL happened here again.  Just as I crack my knuckles and sharpen my pencil to write? The receiver comes out to say I am done and I am free to leave.

WOW! 

See, this is a perfect example of things not being as hard or bad as they seem.  I dread this receiver for all the logistical hoops it takes just to get to the dock door.  It's to the point I will beg for a different load when I see this one pop up.  But once I just do it, and set the brake, backed up to the dock door? I always have the most beautiful of clarity and clear space rush through me.

It's like when you are practising yoga and in a sublime Kundalini experience, your Chakras all align suddenly. After the initial pop, and rush of clear fluid and slightly nauseating WHOOSH from utter dismay to peace?  Well, the room, the space around you, and the people you share the energy with all uniquely BREATHE in PEACE, HARMONY, and JOY.

Or in a prayer service, when you KNOW each of you have God in you, and you assemble together, that MOMENT when God's Shekinah glory just covers and infuses everyone present as you come into a place of "one mind, one accord" and God is free to move from among the stuff and shadows we humans carry like sacks of burdens.    You can smell His aroma, feel the warmth, see His light, and peace and Knowing floods your soul.

THAT is what I get when the inspiration to write settles on me like a mantle at this "writing space" in Pompano Beach.....

Now, I am ready to move on, and did not yet write the GRATITUDE stuff after all.  Big grin!  I am already feeling the let down of tension and the release of having said "IT" because I took time to BE Gratitude, to FEEL Gratitude, and to ALLOW Gratitude.

This time, I talked to Alisha by text message and to my special friend who is many, many miles and time zones away.  And they let me tell of my Grateful Mood,, and they both had sincere  FLOODS of clarity, inspiration, and Gratitude also.  I am smiling as  we built a triad of East coast, Heartland states of Indianna, and of the Rocky Mountain.... three hours on the clock,  three heartbeats, ONE MESSAGE!  Hopeful GRATITUDE!!!

From my last blog questioning WHY of God, to today, so many GOOD shifts for so many I am intimately involved with.   Nanci is rocking the state of Florida's education System. Angel and Aaron spent a precious surprise weekday visit with me. Angel got great news from the doctor regarding her knee injury and a new plan of action.  My special friend has had hope and inspiration breathed into his situations. Alisha has gotten moved into her new apartment, is safe, and is establishing a routine and consistent experience of SUCCESSFUL moments in her new life as a single mom and warrior. 


When I was down, I surrounded myself with people I trusted to have my back. They had empathy, compassion, and a ready hand or ear to hear.  We covered the 24 hour clock by exhorting one another to hang in there, try this, hold on!!! 

And the new week is smoothing out to a tolerable rumble.

Now that I am on the swing of emerging from that down funk and period of self-doubt, once again, God provides me with the miraculous by sending my special friends, family and loved ones to parade their joys and triumphs as well.

I am just so GRATEFUL!

For now, I have a 3 star, luxury hotel that I paid less than 40% of the normal rate to enjoy beckoning me. I missed church this morning, but I have the opportunity to enjoy God's creation now, and freshen up in time for service with POCC tonight.
 

My semi is parked, bags packed, heart and mind renewed and I am inspired again.

Writing and listening to my Inspirationators.

Jan M. Olsen

~J~

II John v. 12

A Gaze Into The Face Of God

          Recently I had a bittersweet visit with my daughter and two grandboys in Colorado.  Now, the family time, bonding, sharing was essential and beautiful.  It was an intervention visit though, and gives me mixed feelings.  Somewhere along this path, I have lost my words to write or express my personal reality.  This is a non-tangible injustice, and THIS I can focus my angst and frustrations upon with a vengeance.  I can be mad at myself and my frailties as a human, and give generously of  love, forgiveness and more love to those outside.  Right off the bat, I am not able to find much for which to be “grateful” in any way more meaningful than a surface platitude. This is so out of character for me, that this pain alone is stealing my joy and breath at times.

          At this moment I question “Why?!” in a most angry, and wounded way. It does not help to know that I join everyone along the way at some point. I try to convince myself that my questions are honest conversations between God and myself, and not representations of doubt or unbelief in my sovereign, just God.  Then again, what is my Truth right now?

          Anger is such a bitter root. It is so uncharacteristic of me to be angry more than a five minute temper.  Then to live in a space of anger and anxiety is sapping me, when truly, I am “needed” more now than ever.  At risk of “FAILING” to be of use to God, self, or others, I am in a pain and fire in my heart, soul, and spirit. At odds with myself, I am consumed with just getting by, no longer able to even visualize the bright future or the cloud of rain the size of a man’s hand.

I hurt.

          How dumb for me to hurt. How insensitive and arrogant.  This is crippling to me when others look to me to be the bringer of light or positive to a dark situation.  When does righteous anger and indignation turn to vindictive rant or vigilante justice? It is not up to me to judge a man or situation, merely to champion what is right, good, and pleasing to God.  I do not look good to myself toting a pitchfork and lantern of a witch hunt. Instead, I hurt inside for ALL involved.

          My tears are bitter and feel like fire. I cry them alone, in my most secret place. To share them would be to hinder, not to help another. Why would I be a stumbling block, instead of a hand to help raise someone to the Light? This goes against my every calling or hope in this life.

          There is an older, gentle song by a group named 4HIM titled simply “Why”.  Here are a few of the words to this ballad:

They say that into every life Some rain must fall
For the pain is no respector Of the mighty or the small
But sometimes It just seems so Unfair
To see the One who’s had More than His share
Oh it makes you wonder why…

And Lord,  I wouldn’t second guess Your mighty plan
For I know You have a purpose That’s beyond the scope of man
If You look inside my heart You will find
That I have always been The Trusting kind
Oh but still I wonder

CHORUS
Why
Do the rainy days have to come
When the storm clouds hide the sun
I wanna know why
Why
When the reasons aren’t clear to me
When it all is a mystery
I want to know why
And though down here
I may not understand
I won’t let go
Of the Unseen hand
For It holds the reasons why

The Lord has never been afraid Of honest prayers
And He won’t allow the burden To be more than you can bear
When He knows that you’re trust Is in Him
He doesn’t mind the questionsNow and then
Even if you wonder….

Why.

            So, in a secret shame, I admit now to wondering “WHY”.  Why did mankind imbibe the Original sin, that cast the seeds onto us all? Why do murderers, rapists, abusers or thieves exist, much less go free to TAKE from another? Why does sickness such as cancer or dementia run rampant? Why death? Why harm to others?  Why the innocent, God? Huh? Why?!

          I KNOW it is not up to me to question God, or to judge. Overall, my personality is of a lover, not a fighter. Of peace, not of dissention. Of hope, not of despair. Circumstances lately have me weary and asking honest questions of WHY.

          In a vulnerable moment, I will admit here that I have physical pain regularly that is unexplained and unchecked by modern medicine.  I have been the victim of abuse, and know many others also.  I live alone, partly by choice, partly because I do not see any other way.  This latest attack of WHY, though, stems from ordeals my two daughters are experiencing RIGHT NOW. Their privacy is tantamount. This blog is not about revealing their circumstances. I am merely Processing my own feeling, beliefs, and pain regarding the WHYs in Life.

          Blessed to spend ten days with my daughter and two grandsons, I had a very poignant moment.  The older boy, Jeremiah is almost 2 years old. He is precocious and smart. He does things calculated to get attention, be it negative or positive.  He is old enough to premeditate to a degree, to be sneaky, to tempt our good sense of humor.  Yet, he has been holding pure expression inward. So young. This is sad to me. When he became comfortable, and relaxed to being in a loving, caring, nurturing, SAFE environment, he became a babbling brook. He snuggles, he is generous, he is selfish as only a two year old can be , he is lively and amuzing.

         

          But it was a particular photograph I took of the younger boy, Terran that rocked me to my core.  I “verbalized” my inner thoughts briefly, and have been vexxed by them ever since.  Terran is almost 7 months old. Very slight of build, the pure skin and breath of the innocent child that merely cries when he is hungry, wet, scared or hurt. 

Terran does not (yet) seem to know how to manipulate to get his “way”.  He lives to smile, chew, sleep, and reach out to touch you.  It was in a moment captured on digital image, that I saw the face of God…. I saw the potential mankind has. And I realized, that this is one of the last moments of his innocence.  Soon, he will adapt and surround himself with survival and vie for  position in our world of “ME FIRST”.  That may perhaps be the last gentle image… before he becomes like every other person.

It’s likely that Life will toughen him up. This realization made me sad inside my core being.  Oh how I long for Life and God to generously allow us to retain our innocence, our gentleness, and our simple joy in the simple pleasures of touch, love, sustenance and light. Little Terran looked up at me with such awe, such love, such trust…. And does not know my feet of clay and how in some way, big or small, I will fail him along the way.

Funny how Life’s stressors can prompt reunions, reconnections, even reconciliations. I felt a need to reach out to assemble prayer warriors, strong arm champions, and a wide range of people to complement each other to bring a balance of perspective, talents, resources into my recent “crisis”.  Maybe the world did not need more marshmellows in the Justice department like me. Maybe it needs less of the bitter and the fervent retalitory soldiers of self-named Right and Wrong.  Prayer and a return to the Basics seemed to be in order. And reminding first myself, then Others to practice Love- Gratitude- Forgiveness even when faced by a night so black it hurts.

In this moment, a few people asked me questions I found to be odd. They asked how I am holding up, how I am taking things, how and I doing?  My answer is swift and sure, and I mean it with all of my heart. I have FAITH in GOD to be just, and real, and soveriegn.

But inside, when the babies are fed, clean, snuggled and loved into bed….. and when my girl collapses exhausted in a heap on the bare carpet, with her shoes still on,,,, or when she breaks and pours the tears that are such a proven vital part of the Process…..  I am angry, I am hurting, I am asking WHY,Dammit, WHY!!!

This makes me cry to admit it in print. Can you only imagine the angst it causes me as I stand humbled and broken before God?  The choking and drowning sensations of not knowing what do I REALLY believe in after all?

I want to have the Right Answers. I want to be of great help and service. I want justice to prevail, in God’s complete understanding of the FINAL, ETERNAL outcomes.

I just want release and respite.  I know I am not alone, when the hard times come. People go through mountains and valleys all the time.  Like I told my daughter in a conversation about my divorce over a decade ago, “It did not help me to hear “I know how you feel. I’ve been there”. I did not want ANYONE to feel the pain I feel.  I am also not alone because friends, family and loved ones rally in all the ways unique to people with finances, suggestions, prayers, advice…. Talking to a second cousin on the phone who is close in age to my own children drove this point home. We are truly all connected. Not one of us is alone.  We are all valid and unique. We respond and offer ourselves in myriads of ways, often depending upon the stage of the Process we are in.

What am I blessed or grateful for in this recent “trial”?  That my daughter and I reuinited in October 2010 and the groundwork was laid ahead of time for our joining forces to overcome adversity now.  I am grateful nothing is as bad as it seems or as it could be. I am blessed to know spiritually that God is at work on very INDIVIDUAL basis and he has a Plan and Purpose for EVERYTHING if we will let Him work and BE GOD. I am grateful for resources of time, money, presence and history to be available to be there by my daughter’s side at a very critical juncture of her life.

Each of us will stand at a crossroads of decision at some point in our life. How we cope, how we respond, how we trust in God is our own individual Journey of Faith, Hope, and Amazing Grace. For now, this evening after I have returned to work to face frustrations there and my sadness to leave my loved ones for another chapter, I am processing. I am not very gentle with myself. And OH GOD! I hurt inside with anger and indignation and I feel so inadequate and alone.

  I am mad at God, at certain people, and at my own shortcomings!  But I am going to bow down and give these honest feelings and questions of WHY to God. I will have every intention of placing myself fully on the altar and of surrendering me – the need to control.  The need to KNOW and the need that is inherent within me to FIX or HELP.  Those last few were never my gift to give – they are a God trait. Who knows, I may get peace soon.

God knows. He knows the reason WHY.

I am including a You Tube link to 4 Him and their song “Why”. Enjoy. If you feel led to pray for us  reach out to me or to someone God places on your heart, I humbly ask you to obey.  Be slow to anger, slow to judge, and quick to offer love, mercy, and a hand to connect someone to God.

http://youtu.be/baRHkrw10uY

((In my own stubborn desire to yell YOP and be heard? I am not going to scroll up to edit or proofread this blog.  My thoughts are mine for this space in Time. The grammar can be overlooked, if you know that I have the best at my core being.))


Jan M. Olsen
~J~