Intention For 2018

Prospect Lake, Memorial Park, Colorado Springs

Hello old friend! I have not published a new or fresh blog post since I left Florida in June of 2014! I have missed the pure expression of free writing.  There have been spurts of time where I wrote in notebooks, texted myself notes as I rode the motorcycle, or typed a letter here or there. But by and large, I've had a writer's block.  I know the year I spent in North Georgia was very challenging to someone like me that likes a bit of calm and order.  I both loved and lost. Then in July, two family members in Florida passed away suddenly.  My semi truck home was struck by lightning and caught fire. My beautiful, beloved old Cocker Spaniel, Addy, passed away. And in February 2015, my mom crossed the Great Divide after a few years of struggling with Alzheimers.

Ol Man River, my beautiful Addy Born sometime in 1999, passed away Fall 2014

I'm not sure why I did not blog from June 2014- February 2015?  But I know when the impenetrable gulf was fixed. The day in February 2015 that my mom passed away, I spent time with six angels, but did not share it.  The more time that passed, the more solid and dark the gulf became.  One day, perhaps I can write that out.

 As far as I can recall, there was not a written 2017 Intention.

My Intention for 2018 came to me on November 24, 2017 at 9:42 pm. In a text to myself I wrote, "My 2018 Intention is to 'Be Better'. A better friend, family, inspiration and to #AlwaysBeHumbleAndKind."  Always a work in progress to be the best ME that I can, this Intention  resonates throughout my Being.

I still live my life based on my friend, Mark's Stephen's book "Who Are You Choosing To Be?" From the Fall of 2010 to now, I have become someone I love, embrace and want to be. I live happily aware of the gift in this Present Moment. I take care to find the blessing, and there is *ALWAYS a blessing. I embody Love- Gratitude- Forgiveness. I've learned to accept GRACE for me, and to pay that same grace forward. It's not always easy, but I try to embrace Change as an adventure and opportunity for growth. As much as possible, I reach outside of myself to others and try to be of service and an inspiration.  I've learned to have No Fear, to Love others and myself, and to let love in to myself as well ( truly a work in progress, always). The greatest gift of all was when I found my breath and learned to focus it, allow it, and how to channel it.

How will I "Be Better" in 2018?  There are several big Life Changes coming up in the first two weeks of this year!!! I didn't even blog during the time I arrived in Colorado Springs to live with Alisha and the three grandcritters. All that time and all those experiences missed so far as recording them here. I can't take that back.  I can assure that it was spent in a perpetual state of being seriously blessed and grateful. I even let some friendships go ...  I stayed VERY Present Moment and didn't take time to write it out. There are SD cards FULL of the many many photos taken of Jeremiah who was 5 years old, Terran who was 4 years old, and of Thora who was 2 years old when I arrived in June 2015.

Coming to live with them was a shock to my system. When I first went OTR, it was painful to stand, work, sleep or even breathe in the utter silence and solitude of Empty Nest.  Over time, I grew to enjoy my own company and to cherish my wild and free, sunny intrinsic inner Introvert. How ironic then to go from absolute stillness and personal space bubble to five people in a 3 bedroom, 1 bath apartment!!!!

Only taking about 3 weeks off from driving, I began a job as an Instructor at a truck driving school 30 miles from the apartment. It has been such an honor and joy to teach adult men and women how to attain their CDL licenses to drive busses, eighteen wheelers or box trucks. I feel humbled and honored to work with the royalty of Veterans and their families. It was a season of still being of service, a part of the transportation industry and of use by Paying Forward the goodness and seeds sown into my life!  I excelled at being an Instructor, an Examiner and eventually Lead Instructor! What a treasured chapter of my life!! January 11, 2018 is my last shift at the school....  I've made many friends of the heart in this time... SO VERY HUMBLED AND GRATEFUL!

Turn the page again ~

The transition period is never easy for me.  I love deeply, work, play and interact with headlong abandon and a fully open heart. The plans for the near future worry me.

I already feel the pain of a full heart, but empty arms as I leave the sanctity of home with Alisha and the 3 grands.  I will be going back to driving OTR again on January 15, 2018. The uncertainty of will I be "enough" or successful as the breadwinner or if I will successfully strike a new balance of personal space, an okay friend or family member and  suitable employee is daunting and keeps me awake at night with the weight of the world crashing upon my shoulders.  It's always been personal demons of mine to "fail" or "disappoint" those I love or care about.  This is no different. The stakes and well-being of Alisha and the kids rest on me. Letting them down is not an option, but it *IS settling heavy on my Spirit. How to "Be Better" is the challenge!

Be sure, the sappy poignancy of country music will have to go on the shelf for now, LOL. I hope for a friend or family that will do the work of staying in touch with me as I wander away from the familiar home of my heart. I don't hold a lot of faith in it, though. My experience has been that people only think about you when you seek them or do something for them. I'm a ghost and easily overlooked and discarded. Our world of social media, cell phones and Internet has only made us LESS connected as a society. I do not like the hollowness of text message friendships, and in that, my arms ache to hold or be held in a hug or touch. I guess it is asking too much of others. And when absent, it will be too easy to be passed over. A new burden to deal with, a mind monster and deeply personal loss.

Even as I type the above, I note that being stationary in a home, job, family did not turn out as I hoped or mused it would. When I last blogged in 2014, I thought I was lonely then.  I was sure if I had a home it would be the fix to my making friends, a relationship, something deep, sincere and lasting.  But I did not find a church home, make friends that actually WANT to spend time with me, or meet a partner. It's the same ol', same old. I give, until spent and left discarded as a sour dishrag. I'm just older, more alone. It's all still just a Reason or Season... a chapter that no one notices turning to the next. I'll just move on again, recreate myself anew, and fade away now that I'm not present to do anything for anyone.  Perhaps, I need to "Be Better"? Will it make a difference? I always hope... If I don't like it? I am responsible to BE THE LIGHT, BE THE CHANGE. To "Be Better".

Long ago I lost my compass of wishes, hopes and dreams.  I hop lily pad to lily pad. Sometimes, the weight of it all causes me to slip and I tumble underwater.  I didn't find myself in the past few years, or the seasons before. How to "Be Better"?

One thing about Colorado has been the absence of freshwater lakes and lush green colors. I've explored the mountains, lakes, reservoirs, woods and open skies in my Subaru, on the motorcycle, and by foot. A lot of Sundays are spent getting off by myself, deep into my head and heart, either recharging my Introvert batteries, or stretching my arms wide to an uncaring expansive sky. I do miss lakes...  Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting to get away by myself for awhile. I need to "Be Better" to get better.

My way of dealing with the fuckery of Life is to tuck and roll. That's where I am today.  Weeks ago, I found myself emotionally withdrawing. It's less giving up as it is just tucking back into the safe places of my shell and walls. I'm going to be leaving in a few days. I feel like I am losing more than I am gaining.  Helpless to affect the Change we *MUST HAVE in our household, without leaving, I knew in October of last year that the shifting sands under my feet were sliding me right out the door.  So, I began to protect my heart. Those spontaneous gifts of moments and opportunities will never return and I have squandered precious time with those I care about. That hurts, and to ward off the pain that I caused by my cold gypsy soul, I shelter and channel my energies into just making the best of the new plans.  I miss Jeremiah, Terran, Thora and Alisha already and I am still physically here.  What a fool!  I need to let "it" in and be more successful at "loving like there's no such thing as broken heart". How to risk "me" to "Be Better"?

January 7, 2018, Lake Deweese, Westcliffe, CO.

"... It's the Creator calling the created,

the Maker beckoning the made..."  "In You", Mercy Me

Trucking is such a fickle mistress and I will be submitting my hopes and desires to that cranky entity.  Spending a day to myself at the lake to scream and howl out loud, to clear the jam in my spirit, turned out to be an exquisite solitude. The lake was frozen solid and I got to play on its surface. There were people ice fishing.  Over by the spillway, the water still flowed and tumbled over rocks to a small waterfall, ending in a stream below. The sides of the spillway had ice and I spent over an hour with the sprays of the water wetting my shoes, while the tears soaked my face and shirt. There’s something soul cleansing about running water. The trickle, crescendo, the wash and the fall are so symbolic of tears that flow and cleanse a soul leaving me spent and empty, but open to God and Universe for what is next. Made fallow ground for new seeds to be sown and tended.  I will hope to “Be Better” going into the next days of this big life change.

In October, I was injured during a test by a driver incident. In all my nearly 50 years, I’ve never had to file for Worker’s Comp, only to be denied coverage this time due to the school not sending in proper documentation. The director of the school has since moved on, leaving my claim hanging.  But my neck, shoulder, head and back remain in perpetual pain whiplash, torn muscles, pinched nerves, there’s a bursa sac under my shoulder blade…. It affects my range of motion, my strength, and very importantly the quality and amount of sleep I can get.  I want to be better, not bitter. I’ve done the physical therapy, the gym, the patient healing, and am ready to be well entirely. This year, 2018, will see me physically work towards the goal to “Be Better”.

Turn the page~

(I stopped writing this entry. I’m picking it back up in Missoula, Montana.)

It’s January 16, 2018, a Tuesday evening, a random hotel in Montana.

Instead of watching videos for homework, this document popped up and I decided to finish and publish it. I took my DOT Physical Monday and my road test today and passed them both.  So much to learn, relearn, and remember. My Intention to “Be Better” is to be an even safer driver than ever before and to be sensitive to the whispers of Life  ie: becoming a driver trainer again, an admin person in an office or so on.

The day I left Colorado Springs was full of tears and self-doubts. I have a wonderful support of friends and family and was not alone until I boarded the first airplane. My blessings abound and I am ever so grateful for this chapter and the angels walking the earth as women and men that accompany me as I make this transition of the heart. Thank you sincerely! My plan as a human is to simply “Be Better” through it all.  <3 font="">

My original thoughts were to copy the lyrics to “I’m Already There” because I sang them to Jeremiah a couple of days before I left and he asked me if I made them up myself.  However, the last day I was home, I took the three grandkids to the lake and later to City Rock for indoor rock climbing.  In the car, my playlist included “Lean on Me”. When we got home, Terran asked me to play it again. Then my sensitive middle grandboy said, “That’s such a beautiful song. Listen to what it’s saying in music. We should dance to that so it will sink in.”

 And so we did. I put it on repeat and the three kids and I took turns partnered up, dancing in the living room, sealing the lyrics and their meaning into our hearts.  I learn every day from their innocence and their views.  In this I learned it’s not always letting others lean on me that makes me “Be Better”. It’s being open, and even leaning on another when needed. For we all need someone…. 

 The “Be Better” Intention 2018, is a work in progress.

Being,

Jan O

~J~


Lean On Me
Bill Withers

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on for it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won't let show

You just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on for it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on

You just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road, I'll share your load
If you just call me

You just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road, I'll share your load
If you just call me

Call me
(Yeah, if you need a friend)
Call me
(You need a helping hand)

Call me, call me

Songwriters: BILL WITHERS

I'm Already There

Lonestar

He called her on the road
From a lonely, cold hotel room
Just to hear her say I love you one more time
But when he heard the sound
Of the kids laughing in the background
He had to wipe away a tear from his eye
A little voice came on the phone
Said, "Daddy when you coming home?"
He said the first thing that came to his mind

I'm already there
Take a look around
I'm the sunshine in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground
I'm the whisper in the wind
I'm your imaginary friend
And I know I'm in your prayers
Oh, I'm already there

She got back on the phone
Said I really miss you, darling
Don't worry about the kids--they'll be all right
Wish I was in your arms
Lying right there beside you
But I know that I'll be in your dreams tonight
And I'll gently kiss your lips
Touch you with my fingertips
So turn out the light and close your eyes

I'm already there
Don't make a sound
I'm the beat in your heart
I'm the moonlight shining down
I'm the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there until the end
Can you feel the love that we share?
Oh, I'm already there

We may be a thousand miles apart
But I'll be with you wherever you are

I'm already there
Take a look around
I'm the sunshine in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground
I'm the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there until the end
Can you feel the love that we share?
Oh, I'm already there
Oh, I'm already there