Rich and Round and True

I find I do not feel quite like myself sometimes. It may be as simple as forgetting to breathe in pure pleasure or need.  Maybe I do not consecrate time and space to meditate, pray, to dream? I can not tell you the last time I gave in to the urge to dance myself weak.

Today found me at just such an impasse. On the outside looking in? I've had contact with both of my daughters, my brother, my church, my special friends and people deeply important to me. My work is steady in the uncertain way trucking has about it.

I know I am a deep thinker. I have made great strides this year in being less of an obessive planner and in just letting Life and God take me where I need to be. It oftens surprises me at the gifts, blessings and WOW moments that come my way when I get "me" out of the way and submit my will to God.

Today is the third in a row where I have to lay down to sleep by 5pm if I hope to rest on the 24 hour clock.  Also, third day in a row, I will have to commence driving at 2am if I am to arrive on time with my load. Tonight, I parked at a nondescript truck stop, a wide spot in the road, unpaved, unkempt little parking place in Laurens, SC on the I-385 connector from I-85 to I-26.

Out of sorts, grumpy, feeling like a good cry would yield me more benefit than a belly shaking laugh, I set out to stroll with God in the cool of this Autumn evening. Before I began my walk, I listened to Roger Whitaker sing, "Both Sides Now"....

 I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Behind the truck stop led a path past deserted warehouses. It drifted to a gate, and a path beyond it, overgrown. It had animal scat, but no sure footprints or tire marks.  You know me, it was calling my name.  Dusk, cool, South?  Hoping to see forest animals, hear the birds, be gifted with a firefly or two....

The Autumn colors are hanging in there. The woods grew quiet as I intruded, but as I came to a resting place a mile in, I stopped. I breathed in deeply, slowly, deliberately... and I noticed where I held tension. I identified the body parts that hurt and felt constricted.  I then did a variation of meditations by visualizing cool, healing white light, filling the spaces of my hurts, like a balloon.

Then I gently, slowly exhaled. It felt so good, I did it again. Eyes still closed, this time, I took my balled up fists out of my pocket and let my hands relax at my side.

I breathed in LOVE, I breathed out I LOVE.
I breathed in GRATITUDE. I breathed out I AM GRATEFUL.
I breathed in FORGIVENESS. I breathed out I FORGIVE.

I opened my eyes slowly, and I saw crisp clarity. I discerned a single leaf, shaking in the breeze way up high. I heard that the birds had begun to sing again, and could distinguish their parts in the choir. I saw the shades of the reds, yellows, greens of the Fall foliage, and noticed the little wildflowers in the undergrowth.

 The moon was rising 3/4 full in the East above the South Carolina pines, and the sun was in its dying throes somewhere miles behind me, casting brilliant swaths of color from God's pallet to the East in a final farewell to Tuesday, November 8, 2011.  Yes, I really do have to use words like this to describe what I see, feel, hear, experience... this too is just a part of who I am as a communicator.

Do I have the answers to my many questions? Do I have Life (or Love) figured out? Do I know where I am going tomorrow, a week, a year, and decade from now?  NO.

I am reminded I am not living out  my Passionate Purpose while I am isolated over the road as a truck driver.  My heart and passion is to teach, to encourage, to guide.

It was after dark when I stepped out of the bush and onto the bumpy hardball again. It was then that I thought, "I should have danced back there". Ahhhhh,,, my passionate outlet. It has been TOO LONG since I have dressed comfortably and laced on my tennis shoes and danced in the dark until I can no longer stand to my feet.  I have not sang out loud to the angels, God, and sky until I am hoarse and spent.

I am relaxed now more than when I went for the walk to begin with. Now I have a list of things to do in the near future.  To write, to learn, to grow, to explore.  To be me,, and not conform to what others wish I were for them.

Here is a link to the YouTube video and the lyrics to the song. As he sings it so rich and full? It stirs my heart to say, "There is MORE... don't ever give up. This is not the end of hope, of love, of life."

Time to lay down and let the worries take care of themselves. If God grants another day? Face it with joy, happiness and excitement for the living.  Dance and sing a whole lot more. Laugh, write, give ,,, Love, Gratitude, and Forgiveness.

And breathe.... breathe.... breathe,,, open my eyes and soak God in. It is rich and round and true...

Looking at Life from "Both Sides Now",
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
http://youtu.be/Vp8kKAGrhV0

Songwriters: JONI MITCHELL

 

Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere, I've looked at cloud that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things i would have done but clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions i recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and junes and ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real; i've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show. you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "I love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, I've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall.
I really don't know life at all.