Driving to a real, honest to goodness, true two day weekend off in an area where I am loved, nurtured, stimulated, accepted, welcomed and the closest to "home" this weary Road Warrior has ever felt, I was hit by a realization. Okay, a few realizations! I quickly proclaimed one of them to a dear friend, knowing he would hear my YOP and KNOW what I meant instantly!
I NEED TO DANCE!!
DANCE FOR THE SHEER JOY OF BEING ALIVE!
WORSHIP TO GOD IN THE WAY HE CREATED ME.
EXPRESS MY LOVE FOR HIM!
I also made a serious attempt to call, email, text and reach out to my list of friends, family, those that I mentor, to my work.... to all I could think of to be sure we are cool. I wanted to make sure there are no hard feelings, no pressing needs, and that all my loved ones know EXACTLY how I love them dearly.
It was hidden among the stuff of life. The peace and rest my soul is so gravely in need of. Some of the phone calls were funny. Some poignant. Some were mere duty. A couple of them really lifted me higher and helped right my sailboat. For this last? I thank you Angel and Nanci. You two helped me find perspective and balance tonight. Very grateful and loved right now.
Arriving at my Sunrise delivery two full hours EARLY, I am still bound to my truck until it is unloaded by the night shift. This is giving me time to listen to a cd that I adore by Tom Ameen. The cd is named "Inner Peace" and has titles such as "Reflections","First Steps", "Solace", "Truth", "The Journey", "The Road Home" and is a piano and electric violin collection that washes my soul clean of the dusty pigpen cloud of STUFF.
Blogger has been down a few days, and it is an ahhhhhhh feeling to just write loosely and surrender to the music and the magical healing powers my two outlets. With a sigh, bordering on an exhausted sob, I am finally at a stopping place. For the next two days, I get to "JUST BE" and relax into all God has for me, wherever that takes me, His timing.
Perfect in its imperfection.
This is not to say anything has been bad. I have just been pouring myself out in every way imaginable. When the truck stops rumbling beneath me, I seem to feel a rush even to get to bed, get to sleep, NOW, so I can get back up and back into the fray immediately. My waking moments, I am charging, expending. Work, people, solutions, improvements, go go go. And be sure, I am SO BLESSED to have a job I love, and people that look to me. I am but the least of these.
Anyway.... I have not shared this blog with my best friend. There is a private reason for that separation. Lately, I have been drawn closer to her again after a dry spell and when we connect, it is a balm to my heart, soul and mind. I think everyone has one or two, or a few people that they have history with. That they can simply relax into the moment and be grateful for a word, a look, a touch that bares no expectations or requirements, just be myself, in all of my strengths and weaknesses.
If I needed to sleep, undisturbed until I wake up? And if that takes a full weekend? I know I have that sanctuary with her. Sometimes, that Knowing is enough.
But by not sharing the blog, by us travelling different roads of Life, we needed at least the phone call we shared today. Forty minutes of OMG! You Go Girl, and ABSOLUTELY! How easy it is to relax into JUST BEING.
We caught up on the "days of our lives" and laughed, cried, loved. How beautiful to share that CONNECTION and I am so grateful for the technology and electronics that make miles and minutes melt away. I was lucky to spend a night at her house in this past month. Over the treasured seafood dinner, we sat near enough to touch, and I was able to express my heart regarding my Process, my search for my Passion, Purpose, my discoveries, and my healing. AWESOME!!! Heads inclined to one another, we shared testimonies and Life's Little Answers.
Tonight, when we discussed me, it was so I could vehemently declare that "I AM WHOLE"!!! I just realized that this past week!!!!! In the last quarter of 2010, I found my breath, made choices, and I was healed. In the recent transitions of my family going their separate ways more fully, I found release again.
It was during Angel's USF graduation that I noticed that I was a spectator, not a facilitator. I was invited, but not consulted. I was welcome, but not required. I was free to come and go as I will, and not check in. I was rewarded, but not responsible.
Until you have been in that moment? You have no idea how LIBERATING this was to me!!!! I will always be the ex-wife, Mom,, and Nana J, etc. Certainly, I am free to be my own person, and as long as I do not hurt another? I am free to try, to discover, to process, to accept, to fail, to triumph for MYSELF!
I AM WHOLE!!!
(Oh yes!!! "I AM"!!!! Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Over the months of Process that writing, music, following my breath, praying, seeking, finding I have had such relief and feel such a release of the chains of traditions, prejudices, experiences that held me bound and subject for my life to this point.
I AM FREE TO CHOOSE!!!
AMAZING!!!
A life of prior conditioning had me under the cloud of the lie that I was less-than.... it is with observing the presents Life is setting before me, the courage to tug on the ribbon, and accepting what now sits before my wondering gaze, that I am trying new ways of taking great care of myself.
It is just me now. It is up to me to be good to myself. To honor and be grateful to my body. To take care of it. To love it, and meet its needs. That falls under health, nourishment, rest, exercise, and tender loving care by way of touch, and concern for my well-being. New grounds for me. I pray for patience to follow this course with gratitude and grace that has been placed before me.
There is a change in the air! An excitement! My Passionate Purpose is to teach! By obeying this, I am serving and giving to others in the full powers of my potential and abilities. I see new doors in the hallway. Eager to try a few. Asking for courage to walk in when the doorknob turns in my hand.
Ready now to observe a full two days of rest, recharge, restoration I am going to breathe in, then let go.
Let go of my worries. Let go of control. Let go of the past. Let go of what is no longer serving me. Let go of fears. Let go of prejudices. Let go of judgements. Let go of concern of what other think or want for me.
This is my life, my weekend. I am ready to seize the Present gratefully and prepare for the gifts the Future brings.
And dance.
Laugh.
Love.
Serve.
Sing.
Seek.
Discover.
Embarking in joy,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
