An Invitation To Celebrate A Birthday With Me

At the time I was arrested I had no idea it would turn into this. It was just a day like any other day. The only thing that made it significant was that the masses of the people joined in. ~Rosa Parks 

     Click this link to see info on a movie that needs to be made - Thunder Road

     Sometimes it is amusing to watch people advertise "It's my birthday all week! Look at ME!" Just as funny to me are the casual social media "Hi Happy Birthday greetings" on your page from people that you haven't seen in 20 years and that will not talk to you again for the next 365 days. The commercialism and emphasis on holidays in general has me a bit jaded to the point where I am quite the Scrooge.  Every now and then, someone I truly care about, and interact with throughout the year will tweak a text or FB cheery greeting from me, but by and large? I have kept my birthday off the records for the past 13 years on purpose.


     This year, on my birthday, I have the opportunity through my OTR job to travel towards Boston, Massachusetts and will be in the vicinity of a Thunder Road event!! I will be sending my energy and blessings towards them. See the event here --->> http://www.bostonglobe.com/insiders

     I have Facebook, Twitter, email, text and in person followers from many walks of life and we met in such a wonderful bouquet of ways spanning our lifetimes. I got on FB in June 2008   to follow Pastor Hattabaugh and YOM '08 as they went to Peru. I had no idea 5 years later, I would be interacting, entertaining, and connecting with over 400 friends, family and people I genuinely care about! THANK YOU! 

     Some of you like to hear funny trucking stories, my dumb blonde goof ups,  or a Captain's Daily Log of life Over The Road. Often I get feedback from the photos that you feel as if you are travelling shotgun and enjoying the USA. From my side? I feel love, connection, accountability, and can stay grounded to who I have always been - - someone that lives to shine Light, share Joy, forward my service and financial means to others, and that loves God, family, friends, Country and all that I meet with my every fiber, every day. No strangers, just friends I haven't met yet.

     If you have tagged along for very long, you know I am not oblivious to Christmas or birthdays.  It's common for me to get a hotel room and then go buy and wrap gifts for the housekeeper's 4 kids and put them under the tree in the hotel lobby. Or to buy a meal for a senior, or a Veteran, a single parent several times a week.  I often tip 40% to my server, knowing they came to work for a reason and if I can bless them? I will do it. My very best friends and family receive random cards, flowers, gifts, poems and notes reminding them that I love them 365 days a year,,, not just on a birthday or holiday.

     HOWEVER!!!!  About three months ago, I decided to just let it be. I am STILL going to work my heart out on birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and all the other holidays that are often lonely and just another calendar day.  But I've learned from my friend, Mark, to let all things be possible. To enjoy what shows up, and to be fully Present, enjoying THAT moment. No other moment in Life will ever be exactly the same, so I will savor and experience ALL of the gift of Right Now.

     THIS YEAR, I DO WANT A GIFT 

FOR MY BIRTHDAY! 

Before you read another line of my blog post, 

please *STOP* 

click this link www.ThunderRoadFilm.com .  

• Watch the short video. 
• Read the information presented. 
• Look at the incentives offered on the right. 
• Go back to the top of the page and click the "DONATE NOW" button and give a gift from your heart. 
• Then please share this link on all of your social media sites and in emails, texts, and phone calls with your friends until the goal is met.
• Continue sharing, linking, Tweeting and promoting until the production goal is met!

      This is what I want to share with you, all my friends and family this year.  It means very much to me. By learning about "Thunder Road" and becoming a part of helping to spread the word of their fundraising campaign on Kickstarter,  I have been educated, awakened, inspired and motivated to serve the men and women that have protected America with their lives. 

     The few men and women choose to leave their comfort, home, and families to go fight for you and I, then they return home with serious physical, mental, and emotional needs that many are unaware or unconcerned about. The time is NOW to become educated, stirred up, and called to action ourselves to create CHANGE to minister to the Veterans of US and British military that suffer from PTSD or Traumatic Brain Injury.

Statistics: 22 veterans every day commit suicide, and 1 active duty soldier and Marine commit suicide. This is a growing epidemic we know as PTSD. 

     Here is another link that contains background information on the 3 men working so hard to bring about Change and a movie in production that will  shed light on the subject no one wants to hear because it makes them uncomfortable. It gives the facts, history and statistics of WHY this movie MUST BE made *NOW!  

 Click here for more background info --->>   Thunder Road - Who Are We?

     What does this movie and subject have to do with my August 2013 birthday?  I have a request. There is something you can do for me. You won't have to see me, call me  - - - I am asking that you click www.ThunderRoadFilm.com RIGHT NOW and after taking a look around the page? Make a pledge and then SHARE on Thunder Road with your friends, family and those that can join us to make a difference and to be a part of the Change.

     Connected on Facebook?

  Click https://www.facebook.com/ThunderRoadKickstarter to instantly view photos, videos, news articles, interviews and fellow citizens uniting together for this great need in this hour. Like their page! Connect with them.  Share the page on your Facebook.

     Connected on Twitter?  Find them @AstoriaFilmCo  and join the conversation. Share, Connect, and become a part of the Change!

      Every one of us can be a part of this great mission and bring change through education, knowledge and compassion to effect the future care and health of our soldiers and returning veterans.  On my birthday, I will be hitting the streets posting fliers, talking to people, emailing, texting, Tweeting and continuing to lobby for Thunder Road Kickstarter to reach its goal. 

     Please join me? 

     If you know me? You realize I would not be enthusiastic about anything with a "political agenda" 

     This movie will be more focused on education and compassion. Many will go away stirred and feeling a call to action simply by wanting to create a positive shift and Change in the way we treat our soldiers and veterans. 

     I will end as I began, with a quote from Rosa Parks.  Who knows the scope a life will have, when all is said and done? Much to be considered, the choices are up to me to tend to as lovingly as a gardener of miracles.  Curious where I will be in life one year from today?

Memories of our lives, of our works and our deeds will continue in others.~ Rosa Parks 

With much love and respect,

~Jan M. Olsen~
~J~

ii John v. 12

www.ThunderRoadFilm.com

This Must Be My Writing Space

I had a great laugh out loud just now.  I had packed my duffle bag with dress and playtime clothes anticipating  the next 2 days off duty from my semi truck.  I am backed into a dock in one of the tightest receivers we frequent. I had sent texts to a handful of people to touch base to remind them I have not forgotten them or their faithful patience. I had conditioned and combed through my unruly, truck driver's bed head.   And then I plopped into the driver's seat.  I refreshed my web browser and had a WAVE of GRATITUDE come over me.  

It seems this location is prime Writing Space?  Once when I was here on December 29, 2010 a torrent of words fought to get typed in a coherent form and I spewed all of the "IT" that had been holding me bondage to dis-ease, unforgiveness, pain of heart and of body!  I wrote over 12 pages on a PDF and when I was wearily trying to find a cute ending?  I was so darned relieved to be free of the poison of "IT" that had sat so deep in my soul and gut all of my entire life!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I was speechless :)

Quick to recognize that GRATIUDE feeling, I had an urge to write again.  A follow-up of GRATITUDE for the recent battles. As quick as I could, I cued up this blog, and the USUAL happened here again.  Just as I crack my knuckles and sharpen my pencil to write? The receiver comes out to say I am done and I am free to leave.

WOW! 

See, this is a perfect example of things not being as hard or bad as they seem.  I dread this receiver for all the logistical hoops it takes just to get to the dock door.  It's to the point I will beg for a different load when I see this one pop up.  But once I just do it, and set the brake, backed up to the dock door? I always have the most beautiful of clarity and clear space rush through me.

It's like when you are practising yoga and in a sublime Kundalini experience, your Chakras all align suddenly. After the initial pop, and rush of clear fluid and slightly nauseating WHOOSH from utter dismay to peace?  Well, the room, the space around you, and the people you share the energy with all uniquely BREATHE in PEACE, HARMONY, and JOY.

Or in a prayer service, when you KNOW each of you have God in you, and you assemble together, that MOMENT when God's Shekinah glory just covers and infuses everyone present as you come into a place of "one mind, one accord" and God is free to move from among the stuff and shadows we humans carry like sacks of burdens.    You can smell His aroma, feel the warmth, see His light, and peace and Knowing floods your soul.

THAT is what I get when the inspiration to write settles on me like a mantle at this "writing space" in Pompano Beach.....

Now, I am ready to move on, and did not yet write the GRATITUDE stuff after all.  Big grin!  I am already feeling the let down of tension and the release of having said "IT" because I took time to BE Gratitude, to FEEL Gratitude, and to ALLOW Gratitude.

This time, I talked to Alisha by text message and to my special friend who is many, many miles and time zones away.  And they let me tell of my Grateful Mood,, and they both had sincere  FLOODS of clarity, inspiration, and Gratitude also.  I am smiling as  we built a triad of East coast, Heartland states of Indianna, and of the Rocky Mountain.... three hours on the clock,  three heartbeats, ONE MESSAGE!  Hopeful GRATITUDE!!!

From my last blog questioning WHY of God, to today, so many GOOD shifts for so many I am intimately involved with.   Nanci is rocking the state of Florida's education System. Angel and Aaron spent a precious surprise weekday visit with me. Angel got great news from the doctor regarding her knee injury and a new plan of action.  My special friend has had hope and inspiration breathed into his situations. Alisha has gotten moved into her new apartment, is safe, and is establishing a routine and consistent experience of SUCCESSFUL moments in her new life as a single mom and warrior. 


When I was down, I surrounded myself with people I trusted to have my back. They had empathy, compassion, and a ready hand or ear to hear.  We covered the 24 hour clock by exhorting one another to hang in there, try this, hold on!!! 

And the new week is smoothing out to a tolerable rumble.

Now that I am on the swing of emerging from that down funk and period of self-doubt, once again, God provides me with the miraculous by sending my special friends, family and loved ones to parade their joys and triumphs as well.

I am just so GRATEFUL!

For now, I have a 3 star, luxury hotel that I paid less than 40% of the normal rate to enjoy beckoning me. I missed church this morning, but I have the opportunity to enjoy God's creation now, and freshen up in time for service with POCC tonight.
 

My semi is parked, bags packed, heart and mind renewed and I am inspired again.

Writing and listening to my Inspirationators.

Jan M. Olsen

~J~

II John v. 12

Rich and Round and True

I find I do not feel quite like myself sometimes. It may be as simple as forgetting to breathe in pure pleasure or need.  Maybe I do not consecrate time and space to meditate, pray, to dream? I can not tell you the last time I gave in to the urge to dance myself weak.

Today found me at just such an impasse. On the outside looking in? I've had contact with both of my daughters, my brother, my church, my special friends and people deeply important to me. My work is steady in the uncertain way trucking has about it.

I know I am a deep thinker. I have made great strides this year in being less of an obessive planner and in just letting Life and God take me where I need to be. It oftens surprises me at the gifts, blessings and WOW moments that come my way when I get "me" out of the way and submit my will to God.

Today is the third in a row where I have to lay down to sleep by 5pm if I hope to rest on the 24 hour clock.  Also, third day in a row, I will have to commence driving at 2am if I am to arrive on time with my load. Tonight, I parked at a nondescript truck stop, a wide spot in the road, unpaved, unkempt little parking place in Laurens, SC on the I-385 connector from I-85 to I-26.

Out of sorts, grumpy, feeling like a good cry would yield me more benefit than a belly shaking laugh, I set out to stroll with God in the cool of this Autumn evening. Before I began my walk, I listened to Roger Whitaker sing, "Both Sides Now"....

 I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Behind the truck stop led a path past deserted warehouses. It drifted to a gate, and a path beyond it, overgrown. It had animal scat, but no sure footprints or tire marks.  You know me, it was calling my name.  Dusk, cool, South?  Hoping to see forest animals, hear the birds, be gifted with a firefly or two....

The Autumn colors are hanging in there. The woods grew quiet as I intruded, but as I came to a resting place a mile in, I stopped. I breathed in deeply, slowly, deliberately... and I noticed where I held tension. I identified the body parts that hurt and felt constricted.  I then did a variation of meditations by visualizing cool, healing white light, filling the spaces of my hurts, like a balloon.

Then I gently, slowly exhaled. It felt so good, I did it again. Eyes still closed, this time, I took my balled up fists out of my pocket and let my hands relax at my side.

I breathed in LOVE, I breathed out I LOVE.
I breathed in GRATITUDE. I breathed out I AM GRATEFUL.
I breathed in FORGIVENESS. I breathed out I FORGIVE.

I opened my eyes slowly, and I saw crisp clarity. I discerned a single leaf, shaking in the breeze way up high. I heard that the birds had begun to sing again, and could distinguish their parts in the choir. I saw the shades of the reds, yellows, greens of the Fall foliage, and noticed the little wildflowers in the undergrowth.

 The moon was rising 3/4 full in the East above the South Carolina pines, and the sun was in its dying throes somewhere miles behind me, casting brilliant swaths of color from God's pallet to the East in a final farewell to Tuesday, November 8, 2011.  Yes, I really do have to use words like this to describe what I see, feel, hear, experience... this too is just a part of who I am as a communicator.

Do I have the answers to my many questions? Do I have Life (or Love) figured out? Do I know where I am going tomorrow, a week, a year, and decade from now?  NO.

I am reminded I am not living out  my Passionate Purpose while I am isolated over the road as a truck driver.  My heart and passion is to teach, to encourage, to guide.

It was after dark when I stepped out of the bush and onto the bumpy hardball again. It was then that I thought, "I should have danced back there". Ahhhhh,,, my passionate outlet. It has been TOO LONG since I have dressed comfortably and laced on my tennis shoes and danced in the dark until I can no longer stand to my feet.  I have not sang out loud to the angels, God, and sky until I am hoarse and spent.

I am relaxed now more than when I went for the walk to begin with. Now I have a list of things to do in the near future.  To write, to learn, to grow, to explore.  To be me,, and not conform to what others wish I were for them.

Here is a link to the YouTube video and the lyrics to the song. As he sings it so rich and full? It stirs my heart to say, "There is MORE... don't ever give up. This is not the end of hope, of love, of life."

Time to lay down and let the worries take care of themselves. If God grants another day? Face it with joy, happiness and excitement for the living.  Dance and sing a whole lot more. Laugh, write, give ,,, Love, Gratitude, and Forgiveness.

And breathe.... breathe.... breathe,,, open my eyes and soak God in. It is rich and round and true...

Looking at Life from "Both Sides Now",
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
http://youtu.be/Vp8kKAGrhV0

Songwriters: JONI MITCHELL

 

Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere, I've looked at cloud that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things i would have done but clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions i recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and junes and ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real; i've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show. you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "I love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, I've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall.
I really don't know life at all.

Counting On It

60 Seconds in a  minute/ 60 minutes in an hour.
3,600 seconds in an hour/ 24 hours in a day.
86, 400 seconds in a day/ 7 days in a week.
604, 800 seconds in a week/ 52 weeks in a year.
31, 449, 600 seconds in a year.

That's what my mind has managed to boil my existence down to at this moment.

31, 449, 600 seconds in a year. I can not add seconds to the regular 365 days a year. If I live the entire year from beginning to ending, I can not actually reduce the number of seconds. The question is never really in how many seconds I have left to use in my lifetime of seconds, minutes, days, weeks, years, but rather how did I spend that exact factual numbered supply? I actively control or affect the latter.

As a person, I describe myself as passionate, on fire, shaking and baking, busy, invigorated, optimistic, emotional, loving, driven, tenacious, forgiving, intelligent, motivated, inspired, always learning, dynamic, curious, open, tender, giving, serving,  full of gratitude. I know that list is not focussing on grammar or form.   It is more important to me to spit a whale out of the pit of my tummy right now than it is to make it come to sense to anyone, but me!  I need a moment of my own clarity and understanding. I'M WORKING ON IT!!!

I've prayed about it.  Meditated. Read material. Written. Practiced free-writing just prior to this stint at the computer. I've slept on it, dreamed of it, or tossed and turned over it.

The concept of  free writing is something that results in  several thoughts tumbling from me at once. Today, I looked "free writing" up online again and chose an educational, no frills site. Then I decided to follow their format. This included setting a timer, not stopping, not editing, not judging, and choosing a topic to write about. In my own off beat sense of humor?  I chose "Free Writing" as the topic. Why?  I was curious what would come up?

I am into the details of how and why.  That is a bit annoying at times like free writing, praying, meditating, etc.  I know why I do this.  It came up several times this past week.  I heard myself saying in my head, or even muttering out loud, "Damn! I was set up to fall short on this.  That's going to show as a "fail".  Fail is an angry word in my vocabulary. I HATE TO FAIL.  If you do this, Jan, you will fail." 

I have had a lot of exposure to old concepts that came to me in fresh ways this past 11 months.  Some of it is so simple, it was hard. Some of it was hidden among the stuff of life.  Some of it I  was conditioned to get over it, move on. Some of it, I just accepted, tired of bucking the flow upstream. Some of it, habit or traditions held me bound.  Some of it religion or dogma put fear in my spirit and I stayed shy away from either the Unknown, or the unsafe.

 Some of it was brand spanking new to me, some of it I just kept pushing back, staying in my roll with the flow mode that gets me through all kinds of life drama or issues.   That last one, rolling with the flow, is a survival tool I've had to engage, seems like all my life.  Just get through it, move on, and hope I learned a thing or two?

As a person, I get very uptight thinking that I might fail, and it sometimes causes the very thing I am worrying over.  The concept I recognized this year was "what you reflect out of you, is what you attract to you." Even as I type this, my stomach is roiling, my jaw is clamped,  my hands keep clenching, my posture is slumped and my eyes keep drifting off screen.


  The day is beautiful in Central Florida, but my focus is lax and I think it keeps trying to protect me, to push me back just under an alarming level? The fact I can't focus even is ticking me off, and I see I am going in circles. "Failing" again. This time to sort out or stay on a topic.  Just as I wrote that?  I huffed an angry growl that would have smoked my laptop into an incendiary heap of smoldering ash if I was a dragon. UGH!  I have been in and out of that stage of an aggravated huff for quite a while now!!!

Here is a bit of my shot gun spray of angst. Some of it came out in my free writing exercise.  As I wrote most of it? I noticed myself pushing my way through to humor. That's another survival tool. If you can laugh about a situation? It may not be as bad as you once thought, it might relax if it is bad, and you can definitely ease up and get into the "roll with the flow" stage if you can laugh about it.


  As I was free writing? My mind was still so uptight, it kept telling me "you can't edit it , per the "RULES", so don't screw it up the first time to begin with.  Just keep it light, so you can keep moving. Don't get serious or grey. Don't fail this too, Hooper!"

hmmmm... is that a sign of something more deeply ominous?  All week I referred to myself by an old name, my maiden name.  Hmmm?

To free write? I paid careful attention up front to "get everything right". I located looseleaf paper. I found me a lid to a storage unit to use as a desktop. I found the timer function on my EVO and even restarted it. I wanted to set it for ten minutes, but I got edgy that pushing the start took up my seconds. So I actually set it for 10 minutes, 30 seconds, to give me time to turn and address my paper.  I fidgeted with the Sirius Xm selections.


  I love classical and symphonic music, but I found myself grooving to the beat. If anything had voice? I was straining to decipher it. I settled in with cool jazz, only every 5th song or so has any lyrics to it. The station is called Watercolors, and when I think of that word, I think of light shades of blue, watery, mixxing and fading across a clean canvas. Beginning to drip, swirl, tilt.. blend.  That seemed a good moodsetting  for writing.

  Finally, I stopped all that bustle and I truly did the three deliberate, slow breaths that I learned this year. What a gift!

I didn't have a pen on hand that I like.  I am adamant to write with blue ink when it is for personal or pleasure use.  And I don't like the pen to be smooth grip, or medium point.  The only blue pens on my truck now are slick bics or a Pilot knock off with a broken plastic sheath.  So the pen bent at the tip, wobbling as I wrote and I kept noticing it. Annoyed.  Wow.  I am really cranky, lol.

I chose the topic Free Writing because just those words make me smile.... okay, they make me grin and internally giggle.  I feel the corners of my eyes crinkling and my heart gets skippy in a happy beat.  This is a result of when I first "discovered" the term, I asked three people I trust to tell me what all the buzz was about.  And all three of them laughed at me, or should I say, with me? I was sheepish to ask. They all three got sparkles of good humor, that radiated out in their reply.  I can not rein in a a goofy giggle in my heart to think of the phrase "free writing". So I chose  a subject that both infuriates me and makes me laugh. That's a typical experience right now, in the exact SECOND I am living.

Whew, that was wandering.  My mind is doing a lot of that drifting stuff lately. ANYWAY!  What I came up with in the free writing exercise in ten minutes was just exactly how much TEN MINUTES costs or affects. And YES!! That is my anxiety!  That is my "fail". That is what is twisting and turning me into knots.  As I defined it in my ramblings today, this ten minute exercise is JUST ANOTHER item to add to my "Things To Be Done" list. 

Ten minutes by itself is a small number. That's only 600 seconds out of a year.

But when the "LIST" keeps tacking STUFF on every day?
Or when items really should be given more than ten minutes to be adequate?

I'm overwhelmed and out of time before I begin.

I failed.

Sigh.....

10 minutes to pray.
10 minutes to breathe.
10 minutes to meditate.
10 minutes to read.
10 minutes to write.
10 minutes to exercise.
10 minutes to love.
10 minutes to serve.
10 minutes to give.


Many of those on that list above should have 30-60 minutes- EACH AND EVERY DAY!!
Yet, just at the bare bones? Before breakfast or a shower?  It's already 90 minutes, or one and a half hours of my exact 24 hours a day.


Each advocate says their exercise is the one necessary to be life-changing or meaningful. As it all adds up, I feel the weight of my shortcomings on my soul. I feel the strain to add even one more routine to my unstructured work and lifestyle.  See? In doing the exercise, I almost talked myself out of doing, while still in the process of doing it.

Confused yet?  Here's another one for you.  I am not into jokes that find their humor in degrading or injuring another.  One of the rare exceptions so far, has been an NPR Radio show on Saturdays called, "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me."  I find it to be funny, a bit risque, and yet, somewhat a funny way to present portions of truthful events.  I live in a technical era that offers so many ways to get the gratification I search for.  If my laptop internet streams too slow for live-streaming?  If SiriusXM doesn't have it?  The new Android most likely has it somewhere.



  My EVO has an application called "Tune In Pro" that allows me to search and tap into live streams of radio WORLDWIDE. I can listen now, record these to listen to later, fast forward, rewind, etc.  I can search by title of a program, local station, genre, or just by letting the Android tell me what is on. Over 5,000 options.  By the way, even for a multi-tasker like me? That is 4, 999 more radion stations than I can enjoy at one time!

I knew August 20, 2011 was Saturday.  Where was my NPR radio show?  I made it my agenda to LAUGH dammit.  Man!  I ended up being thwarted in every corner and aggravated at trying to find what I put my hopes on to make me laugh!  Aiyiyiyi!

 The program is contingent upon good cell phone signal coverage.  And my opinion? Sprint has the absolute lousiest coverage of all the providers!  As I drive on my job, I am forever having to reboot my Sprint computer aircard for my laptop and my cell phone to get back in the stream.  How annoying! 

If I am recording on Tune In?  Well, it gets a burp in the stored program every time I lose signal or have to reboot.  Yesterday? I swear it seemed like every time it was a punchline to a joke, or an answer to a question? A wrinkle in time and I lost signal!!!  Grrrr.

So, I had a brainstorm!!!  This is at least a nationwide NPR program.  I could find it in, say, Pacific time zone and program it to record for later.  Meanwhile, I stumbled upon podcasts of "Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me" with weekly dates up to August 13th.

FINALLY!!! This is where I found humor to make up for the humorous radio I was being gypped of!  Here is my punchline - " Next week's podcast will be last week's broadcast copy of today's show."

I simply need to be patient 604,800 seconds until this time next week, to hear today's show.

It failed to humor me then, that all of the podcasts are new material to me, since I just discovered them yesterday.

To sum this all up, as I can feel my steam is seeping out?  The "Do XXXXX or you will fail, Jan" comes from my work on my job as a truck driver.  It was when I was a lease operator and my aggressive driver manager pushed his equally aggressive driver (me) to succeed in the business model. 

450 miles a day or you will fail, Jan.

750 miles on Monday, did not excuse a 350 mile day on Tuesday. To the pair of us?  I had shown I had the potential for a 750 mile day each and every time.

It also goes back to a phrase I heard all through my growing up years. "You are falling so far below your potential. What a waste."... well, somehow, that didn't motivate me to "SHOW THEM",,, it eventually came to, "Well, FINE, I won't fricking ever be good enough anyway, so I aint gonna bust a gut trying this time either."
 
Today, I refuse to fall into that trap or lie!!!

I end up leaning more to the "450 miles a day or you will fail" mentality.

Push myself to my edge, then tomorrow? Strive to BETTER MY BEST.

This can be a powerful tool to spur me onward.  Right now though, it is making me tired to my core of always falling just short of the mark I set in my own path.  Especially since I do not control many aspects of trucking business. 

The only parts I do control? MY alarm clock, my calendar, my time spent attending to the driving, the fewer, shorter stops better.

I am watching my life pass by at 62 mph in a huff of sick diesel fumes.

Currently, I have an agressive driver manager again.  This man does not believe he needs to consult me when he plans my loads. He expects me to go when and where I am told, when he tells me to do so.  This grates on my every last nerve.

I am an intelligent, thinking, rational human being and I can choose when and where, how and what route to go,,, as long as the WHY is covered,,, which is simple - safe! on time! pick up and delivery! professional, attentive customer service at my own HIGH STANDARD.

The driver manager discovered I will run my heart out.  So he has gotten a bad habit of planning me back to back, grueling, very tight deadlines that "rescue" loads and drive his/my miles up per week.  It pays to have me on a fleet.  It pays me to have a manager like him behind me. Together? We are killing my desire to keep going on!

This week?  I pushed HARD out of the gate!  Almost immediately, circumstances caused me to sit 20 hours UNPRODUCTIVE, then "help me out",,, so I ran hard and furious to back his play.

Got to the next one? He has booked me back to back, no wiggle room. I had better plan on a tailwind to push my truck 63 mph, and not drink any water that day.

Get almost to the destination (projected on time, btw) and he slings me to rescue another driver's load, who is already TWO fricking hours late.

I have remained in that 1-2 hour late status the rest of the week.  You can't make it up.

i am failing at my job. Just as I failed to not overthink free writing. Just as I failed to see how in God's green earth I can add ONE MORE 10 minute routine to my day!!!!!!!!!!

Will I get relief?  COUNT ON IT!  Will I perservere? Yep!  Will I get righted and get on top of my own work ethic? You bet your A$$.

Right now? I have 100 minutes. That's  6,000 seconds left before I have to blast off on a Sunday to commence today's effort to catch up from the hell hole of "failures" of last week.  How I spend that finite, exact, specific allotment of "time"?

Is up to me.

Getting off the computer to find a way to raise my emotions, my vibrations and my attitude?

Count on it,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

I Figured It Out

What is "it"?

Driving to a real, honest to goodness, true two day weekend off in an area where I am loved, nurtured, stimulated, accepted, welcomed and the closest to "home" this weary Road Warrior has ever felt, I was hit by a realization. Okay, a few realizations!  I quickly proclaimed one of them to a dear friend, knowing he would hear my YOP and KNOW what I meant instantly!

I NEED TO DANCE!! 

 DANCE FOR THE SHEER JOY OF BEING ALIVE! 

 WORSHIP TO GOD IN THE WAY HE CREATED ME.

  EXPRESS MY LOVE FOR HIM! 

 DANCE!  DANCE! DANCE!

  I also made a serious attempt to call, email, text and reach out to my list of friends, family, those that I mentor, to my work.... to all I could think of to be sure we are cool.  I wanted to make sure there are no hard feelings, no pressing needs, and that all my loved ones know EXACTLY how I love them dearly. 

It was hidden among the stuff of life.  The peace and rest my soul is so gravely in need of.  Some of the phone calls were funny. Some poignant. Some were mere duty.  A couple of them really lifted me higher and helped right my sailboat.  For this last?  I thank you Angel and Nanci.  You two helped me find perspective and balance tonight. Very grateful and loved right now.

Arriving at my Sunrise delivery two full hours EARLY, I am still bound to my truck until it is unloaded by the night shift.  This is giving me time to listen to a cd that I adore by Tom Ameen. The cd is named "Inner Peace" and has titles such as "Reflections","First Steps", "Solace", "Truth", "The Journey", "The Road Home" and is a piano and electric violin collection that washes my soul clean of the dusty pigpen cloud of STUFF.

 Blogger has been down a few days, and it is an ahhhhhhh feeling to just write loosely and surrender to the music and the magical healing powers my two outlets.  With a sigh, bordering on an exhausted sob, I am finally at a stopping place.  For the next two days, I get to "JUST BE" and relax into all God has for me, wherever that takes me, His timing.

 Perfect in its imperfection.

This is not to say anything has been bad.  I have just been pouring myself out in every way imaginable.  When the truck stops rumbling beneath me, I seem to feel a rush even to get to bed, get to sleep, NOW, so I can get back up and back into the fray immediately.  My waking moments, I am charging, expending.  Work, people, solutions, improvements, go go go.   And be sure, I am SO BLESSED to have a job I love, and people that look to me. I am but the least of these.

Anyway.... I have not shared this blog with my best friend.  There is a private reason for that separation.  Lately, I have been drawn closer to her again after a dry spell and when we connect, it is a balm to my heart, soul and mind.   I think everyone has one or two, or a few people that they have history with.  That they can simply relax into the moment and be grateful for a word, a look, a touch that bares no expectations or requirements, just be myself, in all of my strengths and weaknesses.

  If I needed to sleep, undisturbed until I wake up? And if that takes a full weekend?  I know I have that sanctuary with her. Sometimes, that Knowing is enough.

But by not sharing the blog, by us travelling different roads of Life, we needed at least the phone call we shared today.  Forty minutes of OMG! You Go Girl, and ABSOLUTELY!  How easy it is to relax into JUST BEING.

We caught up on the "days of our lives" and laughed, cried, loved.  How beautiful to share that CONNECTION and I am so grateful for the technology and electronics that make miles and minutes melt away.  I was lucky to spend a night at her house in this past month. Over the treasured seafood dinner, we sat near enough to touch, and I was able to express my heart regarding my Process, my search for my Passion, Purpose, my discoveries, and my healing.  AWESOME!!!  Heads inclined to one another, we shared testimonies and Life's Little Answers.

Tonight, when we discussed me, it was so I could vehemently declare that "I AM WHOLE"!!!  I just realized that this past week!!!!!   In the last quarter of 2010, I found my breath, made choices, and I was healed.  In the recent transitions of my family going their separate ways more fully, I found release again. 

It was during Angel's USF graduation that I noticed that I was a spectator, not a facilitator.  I was invited, but not consulted.  I was welcome, but not required.  I was free to come and go as I will, and not check in.  I was rewarded, but not responsible.

Until you have been in that moment?  You have no idea how LIBERATING this was to me!!!!   I will always be the ex-wife,  Mom,, and Nana J, etc.  Certainly, I am free to be my own person, and as long as I do not hurt another? I am free to try, to discover, to process, to accept, to fail, to triumph for MYSELF! 

I AM WHOLE!!!

(Oh yes!!! "I AM"!!!! Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Over the months of Process that writing, music, following my breath, praying, seeking, finding I have had such relief and feel such a release of the chains of traditions, prejudices, experiences that held me bound and subject for my life to this point. 

I AM FREE TO CHOOSE!!!

AMAZING!!!

A life of prior conditioning had me under the cloud of  the lie that I was less-than.... it is with observing the presents Life is setting before me, the courage to tug on the ribbon, and accepting what now sits before my wondering gaze, that I am trying new ways of taking great care of myself.

 It is just me now.  It is up to me to be good to myself.  To honor and be grateful to my body. To take care of it. To love it, and meet its needs. That falls under health, nourishment, rest, exercise, and tender loving care by way of touch, and concern for my well-being.   New grounds for me.  I pray for patience to follow this course with gratitude and grace that has been placed before me.

There is a change in the air!  An excitement!   My Passionate Purpose is to teach!  By obeying this, I am serving and giving to others in the full powers of my potential and abilities.  I see new doors in the hallway.  Eager to try a few.  Asking for courage to walk in when the doorknob turns in my hand. 

Ready now to observe a full two days of rest, recharge, restoration I am going to breathe in, then let go.

  Let go of my worries. Let go of control. Let go of the past. Let go of what is no longer serving me. Let go of fears. Let go of prejudices. Let go of judgements. Let go of concern of what other think or want for me.

  This is my life, my weekend.  I am ready to seize the Present gratefully and prepare for the gifts the Future brings.

And dance. 

Laugh.

Love.

Serve.

Sing.

Seek.

Discover.

Embarking in joy,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Saying YES, Let's Roll

In eight days, my oldest daughter will be graduating USF with a Bachelor's degree.  Not sure what it is called.  It is in Music and is a four year degree. She will be achieving this milestone with many honors, extra sashes, tassels, cords and acclaim.  I am SO PROUD OF HER and can bust my buttons!

Her decision to graduate now with one complete degree is bittersweet.  She has already invested an additional three years of year round classes towards a Bachelor's in American Sign Language Interpreting. She is dropping that program for the time being with only 10-12 credit hours left to completion.  As her Mom? I am concerned that she has run up extra debt and may not ever make it back to finish the degree?  Angel loved the work and found her niche in this world.  The second degree is the one that she could become certified in to work in her field.

This is another chapter, though, that as her Mom, I am writing today, as I blog here.  It is more of previous refrains of "letting go".  Empty Nest occured with all of its storms and tearing assunder several years ago.  Angel moved away to college May 2005.  Alisha moved to live with her Dad and to attend college in May of 2006. 

No stranger to letting people in and out of my life.  Some of them, we are bound by blood ties. History. Sometimes we have a close bond that we developed past the familial links.  Other instances, men and women come in, and like revolving doors, they exit. It may be a period of minutes? Or years? When I take inventory today, my truck is empty. My car sits idle. My belongings are in a storage unit that I am growing tired of paying to maintain.

As Angel's Mom, I am willing to dig in the pitons and provide her living expenses, share her financial burdens, and stand behind her so she can finish the degree while she is on a roll.  As her Mom, I also have to accept that July 25, 2010 "a man shall leave his mother, a woman leave her home, and they shall travel on to where the two shall be as one."  Angel and her husband Aaron made their decisons based on what they feel is right for them, for the current time. They didn't ask anyone to help. They made choices, set about making life course changes and then informed me of the way things were to be.

Angel and I share one of those extra bonds I mention.  We are friends as well as mother daughter. It was a bit tense as she worked out the kinks in her newfound backbone when she "called to inform me".  She phrased it in a way that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up cold, "you can say what you like, but my decison is made and you will not be changing it."  Very unusual for Angel or I to talk that way to one another. Bordering on disrespect.

The blessing is that the  changes wrought in me in this past season, specifically this past  year, prepared me to be able to absorb that attitude, and rock with it before responding.  I am proud of myself.  I took it in, and was able to divorce my emotions from my responses by telling myself    "It's not personal. Be proud of Angel. Hear her out. Find ways to CELEBRATE her life, and do this NOW!!!"

A few people in my life's circle have given me HUGE gifts,,,, no judgements, forgiveness,  tolerance, patience, and the proverbial arms to fall back on. Call it what you will. I have experienced so much unconditional "love" that has been acted out towards me as a person? The timing is everything.  I was prepared to respond to Angel in her hour of need in kind.  What a different outcome a year makes!!!!!!!!!!  Grateful to my friends! The ones that love, care, respect and nuture the good in me.

Within the space of the extras breaths I took in during the initial phone call, I was able to shift and turn my daughter's news to accentuating the Positive.  She hung up telling me she was relieved, she expected a different response. (I know, remember the hairs on the back of my neck? She almost got a different response, LOL.)  It is cool to me that I was able to see that Angel felt SAFE with me, that she was trying her bravery out with the one person she feels safe to do so. She gave me a gift. And one day, she will be able to see that also.

Angel and Aaron - Alisha and Tony, their choices free me up to make choices for myself.  Yeah, yeah, I will ALWAYS be the mom.  But I make career and lifestyle choices based on what is authentic to me.  Recently, Angel spoke to me, then wrote out an affirmation from her to me.  She was acknowledging that "although she may not like somethings I do, and may have chosen differently for herself, her responsibility is to accept this as MY choice to make."

How quickly this gets mirrored back to a daughter who had a "growing up" revelation of the separation of mother- daughter-friend.   Within a space of weeks, I was called to remember the wisdom from the mouths of babes and extend that same grace back to Angel as a reflection of the gift of light she shone towards me just a short time ago.

A wise friend, from a distant Time Zone and shoreline wrote months ago, and recently reiterated, "I have come to realize that everyone has a God and that I am not it." Now, this friend and I have not met in person.  Funny how the people we align ourselves with via prayers, blessings, and gratitude can bring such moments of clarity, stillness and peace into a turbulent time, if only in my own thoughts.  Then in a single shock of a phone call, I can pause, breathe and make a shift.  Recent training prepared me.  Her direction has tempered my subsequent communications with Angel over the last few weeks as we makes arrangements to have a Jubilee to CELEBRATE her milestones and life accomplishments.

As I make the conscious decison to let go of areas I have not actually had the controlling reins of in many years, I am feeling freedom.  New spaces are opening up in my heart and mind.  I feel the freedom. The power. The gift to CHOOSE how I respond to these changes that I was not ready for.

  No one asked me if I was ready. That is not a common question when someone is going to leave. You don't often hear "Are you ready for me to leave and rock your world?" People just come and go and do what they feel is right for themselves at that moment. Even blindsided, it's up to me how I respond.

Today, weeks and months into a personal growth and trimming period? I am saying, "Let's Roll. What's next!?"  This week alone has already handed me gifts of new and of old offerings revisited. Especially where my career is concerned.  It seems I may be getting a second chance to try some things.  I am scared. I am excited. I am ready now, in case you are asking.

Big grin,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Exploring The Deeper Portions Of Connection

March 17, 2011, Thursday


Return from Pueblo to Florida

A quote from the book I picked up at a thrift store in Colorado Springs for twenty-five cents, has once again stirred my compassion and inspiration. It fits so well with this trip.

“…. A human thread now linked her to the life we all share. It is this connection we crave the most. But it is up to us to find the will to weave the first strand.” Deepak Chopra in “The Deeper Wound”.

Prior to the trip planning, I named these visits to connect with my youngest daughter Alisha and her immediate family in Pueblo as Reunion, Reconciliation, and Reconnection. They are chapters in the book that is ever being written between a minimum of four living generations of my direct family line. My parents, myself, my daughters, and now my grandchildren are living in a time of shift and of Change.

As individuals, ever in a constant state of flux, we adapt, we discard, and we tend to seek new comfort zones. We close out old, unprofitable relationships with people, places, things and we create new identities every day. When we are pure and honest in our intentions, these graft in the surrounding world to reflect the authentic self within each of us.

It is at times of diversity and of separation that we may feel less connected to others than usual. Humans created to be social beings, resist these shifts and may view them as losses to be grieved over. Perhaps we may fight to maintain the status quo in order to stay with what we know or perceive. It is in these experiences of trial and error that we grow. Yet, no matter how dark the circumstances seem to be? We remain interconnected to God and to one another. This tenuous thread of Connection is a lifeline buoying us to survive in seasons of growth with triumph and faith.

Today I admit candidly that I have experienced both sides in the past few years. Not one of us will be the same tomorrow that we are today. Speaking for myself, I choose to walk softly, to tread in gracious mercy, and to offer peace and my hand to lift up another in love, gratitude, and forgiveness. These personal awareness and growth moments produce inward thinking shifts that are manifesting outwardly as I began in the recent past days to reap the blessings of the truth “you attract what you radiate outward.”

When the tumultuous dissension occurred several years ago, many hearts, emotions and relationship threads were injured. I am not sure why God has chosen me to be the ambassador of goodwill and restoration? But I accept this role. I feel it to be directly in line with His will to fervently foster peace and hope between family, friends, and loved ones.

This carries a heavy sense of responsibility to seek the truth, to be the mediatior, and to nourish the basic blocks of integration of tolerance back into the daily patterns of my family. Alisha has tried to reach out to others, such as her Dad, but with diffident results. She asks me to contact my side of the family and her sister to relay updates and concerns. Alisha specifically works extremely hard at multiple jobs, and holds the role of daughter, wife, mother, and employee. If I can ease her burden a bit? I will do so gladly.

This trip to the gorgeous Rockies then was much more than a journal entry, a Kodak moment, or food for our bellies as we socialized. It was a foray deep into the Supernatural realm of restorative bridge building in relationships. One by one, slowly over time, we are tearing down walls of mistrust, pain, or injured memories. We are connected by blood in this instance. Thrilled to recognize all of this as so much more, we are connected infinitely by God and Universe. Giant strides to healthy relationships and hopes for future are occurring with every phone call, text, email, visit or physical touch in a hug or handshake.

Through perfect will of God, I have been guided to learning how to be deliberate in my breathing, in my choices, in my experiencing intimately of the full presence of every moment. To be aware of every sensation and thought right here, right now. I am grateful to many who have breathed life into dormant parts of my life. You know who you are and I cherish every instance and recognize the gifts apparent. God has used many voices, many people, many mediums, and a concerted effort to jolt me from my complacency and to stir healing in my uttermost places. He has been waiting to bestow new life more abundantly if I would just be aware.

My fervent question to each of you is “How may I serve you?” Please, let me be a helpful part today. If anyone has the courage to reach outside and touch the life of another? Let him ask for assistance. If he has extra, let him offer to share where he has a bounty so that it may further the health of a fellow? Both directions facilitate the cycle of giving and receiving. Don’t be shy. Let me lift you higher.

Simply thankful for all of the life I have been allowed to experience to date, and expectant with joyful anticipation for the next leg of the onward Journey. Connected with my friends, my family, my fellows travelers I am not alone or unassisted. This is truly a time when “angels walk the earth as women and men”.

Embracing our connection,

Jan M. Olsen

~J~

Oceans of Inspiration

After an OVER THE TOP blessed Christmas, I am back in SoFL on Dania Beach at the pier.  It's a chilly 52 degrees and windy.  Not another soul to be seen.  I had to layer up to enjoy it,, but Vitamin D is still abundant!  Chapstick and lotion are my friend :)

Today is a WRITING DAY... I have been buzzing,,, THROBBING with inspiration for the last couple of days and today, I came here to pour my heart and soul out into words. Perhaps, I will be able to share some of it, although some if it will be between me and Almighty God.

I will share right now, even before I "process" and tabulate all my recent revelations, self-discoveries and  gratitude laden blessings, that I have begun healing.  Some of you know my serious medical needs.  And yes, I mean that healing has begun. 

I'm sure those same people are also aware of the critical needs of my soul and emotions and spiritual man.  Be encouraged!!  I have had portals opened and great floods of Change and Direction POURED into me , like this ocean roaring to my right!

So stay tuned in.  My prayers are for clarity, humility, and grace for myself. For you, I pray peace, health, prosperity, wisdom, and contented joy.

All my love ,,, yes,, the L-word,,, I have so much lathered into me,, it is coming out :)

Ahhhh,, humor, joy and the Dance!

Inspired and writing,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Still Here and There

It's been a day or so since I have entered into the blog.  No real reason. Not over busy at work. Not any one thing I can pinpoint.  A myriad of Life Experiences.  Learning to be grateful for every turn in my roads. So fallible.  So human.

For a long time, I thought I was making progress in the equilibrium of the chaos of my life, health, relationships, P-P-F, spiritual walk, etc.

I'm still not ready to fully discuss what all happened the weekend of December 4, 2010 when I went to see Angel. I am still trying to weed out the blessings from among the thorns.  I was a TERRIBLE person... and it just breaks my heart. I can't do that again. EVER.

The up-side is that this weekend of Dec 11-12th was out of this world amazing!  Angel and I both have bittersweet gifts of forgiving, trusting souls.... and it stood us in good stead!  Then to share a part of our lives (church) with my brother, Michael???  Was just unspeakeable glory and abundant merciful grace.

Also, not able to share the details of this time either.

Matter of fact, not sure why I am writing here, this minute at all????  I have so many scraps of paper,, journal pages, notes began on the word processor, email drafts to myself, that I didn't even send TO ME.... I am bound up in knots in my words.

That is another sad thing,, I had been doing SO GOOD to let all the scars and wounds get healing air.... and I screwed up so bad that I am ashamed to even write it.

ALthough, it happened?? It just tears me apart.

I sat in my truck, for more than an hour today. Mesmerized, turning my hands over, and over, and over.  Looking at the scars. Plenty to look at. Callouses, scars, disfigurements.

Of special note were the injuries 1 yr, 2 yrs, a decade old. How did they heal? At what point did infection or injury turn the corner to new tissue, stronger joints, bones, skin? I remember each step. Especially the March 2009 Dallas-born, crescent shaped scar where I had nine stitches, lost a piece of bone, and GOD grew a new joint UP to meet the knuckle line, and then GOD closed an infected, swollen, fevered, oozing wound that wouldn't even support stitches.

How did I get here? When did I lose control?
So,, there is a a damn dam in my spirit where only recently I had pulled my finger out of the dyke and the hell inside broke loose in a fury, a raging torrent of words,  and then formed to a more meaningful river,,,

now?  i am still here.  Still going there. 

One day,,, one breath,,,, one decision.... one at a time.

Janet M. Olsen
~J~

Out of Plumb Line

After this past weekend and it's upheaval with my dear Angel, I am feeling keenly just how out of plumb my  intrinsic thoughts, emotions, wishes, hopes, dreams, relationships, and spiritual walk is lately.

 Looking outward? Well, I  need to confess, I did my share of that too. What ancient truths have came to my fore, though, is that it is what's inside of ME that is attracting to me and radiating out of me. It's an inward condition, my own personal responsibilty.

Getting fed up with being in a position to have to admit, "I don't like who I am seeing reflected back to me from the mirrors into my Inner Being."

I was reminded of the scientific principle to a plumb line today at my Miami shipper. After reluctantly getting back in the driver's seat to return to work, I did an unusual thing. I agreed to convoy down there with one of my elders. I had an ESP that I needed his company and escort. Sure enough, it was downtown Miami in a rough neighborhood with an industrial section crammed into its tight spaces. Reminds me of Aspen Distribution on Vail Ave, Montebello, CA (eastern Los Angeles). Not a truck friendly area, predominantly poor Spanish people, that leaves me nervous if I have to stay roadside overnight. I don't speak Spanish. I can ask for Los Banos, but then don't understand the reply :)

At this shipper, the two docks go INTO the building about 15 feet. Gives a vertigo to back in and lose sight of my trailer doors until I feel a solid KER-THUMP as concrete meets metal in a teeth jarring experience. I am a GREAT truck driver. I backed in off that residential street, dodging mutts, cats, and threading the debris of cars of yesteryear, straight shot - right to the dock!!  Yet, THREE TIMES a shrill whistle and waving, gesturing arms, accompanied by unintelligible Spanish hollering,,,, I was directed to pull up, realign, back in again.

 No matter how straight my tractor, trailer was to itself, my elder trucking neighbor, the street or the side of the building??? There was a 8 inch gap on the right side of my trailer to the dock. I tried over and again to psyche my mind out, to park "out of angle". No luck. The building is off plumb line.

At last!!!  A visualization of how I am feeling in my interaction with myself, with others, with my world I live in, and with my ineffable Spiritual connections.

Hmmmm..... get that last one in synch and the rest may line up? That just came clear as I type this.

I have been embroiled in a spiritual Erocylodon. Feeling like the nose of my Life's vessel has run aground, where things are simply done by rote memory, because that's the way they have always been done, all while the hinder part of my being is out in the Currents of Change. My self-walls, fortress, and foundations are being torn asunder with opposing spiritual and emotional integral forces.

Somewhere between a feisty pussy cat and a royally provoked lion, I am "becoming" someone new.

Change is good. No stranger to recreating my own Reality? I have been here too many times. I want to just "be good".... be worthy,, be of service, be loving, compassionate, and still yearn to be loved.

So, if I have wreaked any havoc or caused harm, while my personal "building" is being aligned into the "NEW PLUMB LINE"?

Please forgive me. How may I make amends?

In a search, I found info on Kinesiology. It explains that the Definition of Erect Posture is one where an individual is standing at attention or told to stand up straight. This posture needs conscious control. It holds a plumb line from ear lobe, tip of the sholuder, center of the hip and knee, and anterior to the ankle joint.

When all is said and done? My prayer for my personal character and integrity, is that I stand consciously in control of myself,  erect, with an authentic, honest plumb line.

Please, anyone who finds this, by invitation or divine design, I implore you - HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE TO THIS HIGHER GOAL AND NECESSARY CHARACTER GROWTH.

So grateful. So humbled. So broken. So pliable in the Master's Hands.

Jan M. Olsen
~J~

The Life Of a Fairy Tale

To see the rest, will need to scroll down, Even my petty annoyances are looming larger than life. I cant figure it out :-/

Blessed. Grateful. Bequeathed a gift.

Those are the answers to "What is the blessing?"

I'm still bound up inside. Too much so to spit it out on type or paper.  Unfortunately, I doubt myself, that I can make it rated PG 13... Right now everything from this weekend is still very BIG to me.  Out of proportion.  Inappropriate.

No longer angry, I am just hurt.  A smidgen mad at myself that I can't STAY mad long enough ,,, lol.  That may be an odd thing to say?  But, Right, Wrong, and Grey it took THREE to tango this weekend.  I'm no angel, and I was rude and out of line... but I was also run over and taken advantage of.  Mack truck-style.

I am wrong. I was wrong. I acted wrong. Just lost tonight. Of all the good that can be said of me? I am no hero, no warrior, no wonderful person in this weekend  Just clay, very marred clay.

So, this little jot will have to do temporarily.  I was going to the beach to get as close to the water as I could to meditate and pray,,, or scream and cry, ,,, or dance and spend myself, maybe all of that.


But frankly?  Being angry takes sooo much out of me.. It hurts my heart (and stomach) soooo much,,, that I am spent already. So I just drove back to my truck. Sitting in my car, parked by my truck.  I SO(!) do not want to get in that dark cave/jail cell....  For awhile at least,, I am sitting here in the cool of the evening,, trying not to give in to the tears of hurt, loss, shame, fears, and regret.
 
Angel called about the time I got to Ft. Meyers... she was too bright and casual, too bubbly and like tinkling brass.  She reminded me of the little cartoon  of the two dogs, one jumping in circles around the big dog" what are we gonna do today Spike? huh Spike? Huh Spike? huh? huh?"
 
That is one of the BLESSINGS is that both Angel and I are very forgiving souls. As for Aaron?  FLASH OF ANGER - I don't give a John Brown's Horse... hmmmm
 
But ,,, too near tears to stay on the fake side with Angel,, I just let her ramble in her nervous way.... and when travelling cell phone signal crackled, I was grateful to close the call.
 
I had looked so forward to seeing her.  I always carry months of "DID YOU SEE THATs??!?!" in my duffle bag,, collect music, scraps of paper, photos...  I am such a damned puppy dog, so eager to see Angel... or Alisha... or even my parents...
 
Either I am too intense? Or they just don't give a damn?  It is certainly one sided.
 
THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME TO BE SO WITH ANGEL THOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  She was my "STEADY" one,,,  Alisha is like me, passionate and on fire for life.  Angel was always the Rock of Gibralter.
 
I know, parents can't say they have favorite children.  And I do not say that now.  I do have distinctly different relationships with each of them as individual people.
 
Here's what I mean.
 
  Angel and I are very close spiritually. Traditionally. The slow, thoughtful, loving, careful side of our affections.  Very symbolic and holds on to "things" such as photos, gifts, knick knacks. Both Complacents.  Very much intellectual nerds and introverts. Very deep thinkers. Intercessors. Forgiving. Givers.  We give and receive love very similarly through touch and affection. Through word. We are both door mats and often overlooked and fairly content to be the soldier in the infantry, holding up the leadership round us. Servants. Musically gifted and our MAIN method of self-expression. Writers. Readers. Desire roots and foundations. The calm ember that just keeps the eternal flame.
 
Alisha and I both question EVERYTHING! We are very on fire and if the wood is wet, we can ignite it soon enough by nurturing the slightest flame.  EXTREMELY passionate, we FLASH from one end of the spectrum to the next. Shaking and baking!!  BIG DREAMERS!  Intellectual chess partners. We use music and dance to BLAST our way in an out of our emotions and desires. Athletic, driven to succeed.  Our affection is being close enough to touch, but content to have a visual line on our partner.  Spontaneous, methodical, practical and inventive, McGyver. Creative and always looking for the next excitement. Also readers and writers. Very outspoken in our physical releases, both what we say and don't say. Very likely to pop out with what's on our mind and sort it out later. Alisha is the Fun and the Light in my world ( when she was home as my girl). Lifeforce, glow, bounce, sparkle, excitement.
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One thing that torqued me even as I went down there was all the running they needed me to do for them, but Angel & Aaron are BOTH PROCRASTINATORS... it's good they married each other!   They collectively don't give a damn about who they inconvenience or hold up ,,,For instance, They would tell me "we need to leave by 9:30am to get to church by 10am",,,, I am at the door, keys in hand by 09:25am,,, Angel FINALLY puts her shoes on at 09:45m!!!  When I wanted to stop and get a bottle of water to take meds with??? They huff and puff we are running late.  Well WHO THE HECK RAN LATE DO YOU SUPPOSE?????

 That's just ONE example of an entire weekend of rubbing the wrong way!

Angel and I had specific matching rings.... she has taken hers off. She didnt have the balls to tell me ahead of time.  I found out last night, after the Induction Ceremony as we took photos outside, I reached around her, AS I ALWAYS DO, to take her hand and lace fingers, AS I ALWAYS DO, and the ring was missing.  She curled her fingers away,, letting me know it was for real.
 
I asked, calmly at first, did she take it off and just forget to put it back on?
 
Took her until today to get around to telling me the truth.  And the truth was not anything I wanted to hear.
 
And , abruptly, I know, the ring thing means more to me than OBVIOUSLY it does to anyone else,, soooo forget it,, moving on... I will have to work that out in my own head and heart.
 
AND GIVE UP AGAIN.
 
so anyway, goodnight,, this day has got to end soon. back to work, driving, when i drove all weekend.. so here we go,, off to the races,, when i never stopped running.
 
footnote: I did not tell, admit, confess whatever to Angel what I have been dealing with in my illness. I wanted to .  But just didn't get the vibe that it was the right time,, or that she is much intersted in anyone besides herself. (just a phase,, gotta believe it is just a phase,, )
 
hoping she is just going through something and is pulling in her wings to garner her reserve survival resources???
 
i can understand THAT...
 
Love her through it,, see her on the other end.
 
If i dont screw it all up by being a total jerk first...
 
But, I didnt even take my usual 15-20 pills regimen while there,, I really tried to keep how sick I am, how in pain my body is,, on the down low.
 
No worries there... she didnt know I was around.
JMO
CREED LYRICS

"A Thousand Faces"
I stand surrounded by the walls that once confined me
Knowing I'll be underneath them
When they crumble when they fall
With clarity my scars remind me
Ash still simmers just under my skin


Indifference smiles again
So much I hide
How is stepping back a move forward?
Now I'm forced to look behind
I'm forced to look at you


You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell which is you
Broken mirrors paint the floor
Why can't you see the truth
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell me which is you
Tell me which is you


Eerily time made no change
Pointing fingers, laying blame
Lying over and over and over and over
Deceiving your mind
Dug my grave...Trash my name


Yet here I stand so you won't fade away
Indifference smiles again
So much I hide
How is stepping back a move forward
Now I'm forced to look behind
I'm forced to look at you






You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell which is you
Broken mirrors paint the floor
Why can't you see the truth
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell me which is you
Tell me which is you






I bleed inside


Just let it out
I bleed inside
I'm gonna let it out
Let it die
Now I'm forced to look behind
I'm forced to look at you


You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell which is you
Broken mirrors paint the floor
Why can't you tell the truth


You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell me which is you
Tell me which is you
Tell me
Tell me
Tell me


You wear a thousand faces
Tell me which is you
Tell me which is you