Smelling Flowers Along The Way

After a long, extra cold Winter, I am enjoying Spring and the South.  Whether it's the good sweet iced tea, or just the aw shucks, good manners? Loving being "home"...

Looking back over journals, emails, logs etc I see reminders of the Process.  Divorce itself was just a piece of paper after too many years of _______ (fill in the blank, because I don't care anymore.) However, Empty Nest was a maelstrom  of pain, loss, anger and my roots being ripped away.  It was like Spring, Summer and Fall were over and a blizzard of Winter ate me into barely hanging by a thread. Knowing most pains and seasons get better, but spending dark times wondering if I could hold up. 

Then shaking it off!  Getting my CDL, putting our lifetime of "Remember Whens" into storage units, getting a PO Box and a friend to let me use her home as a physical address for my license - - I flew into Dallas, TX in July 2007 to embark on something new, unexpected and a touch wild!

Somewhere along the Journey of the past decade and beyond, I lost myself, found someone new. Someone strong, independant, fearless in many ways.  I have learned to be excited by new opportunities, Change and the What Ifs.  Blessed to keep old friends and family, reunite with others, and to open my heart to the possibilities of new people, places and things.

Recently, I drove through the Maggie Valley area of the Great Smokey Mountains. As far back as 2004, Lewis and I drove up from Lake County Florida with my two girls to go snow skiing. We wanted to enjoy the girls being at home during their JR/SR high school years and find snow. 

Then, my very first expedition as a completely solo, lonely, broken single woman with Empty Nest, I rode my motorcycle from Lake County to camp 8 days in a tent in Deep Creek, near Bryson City, NC also in the Great Smokey Mountains National Park.  It was 22 degrees that October, but this Florida gal rode up to 12 hours a day enjoying Autumn, the Nantahala River, the  318 curves in 11 miles of the Dragon of Deal's Gap, the Blue Ridge Parkway... and just the mapping the trip, to the long ride up there.... Well?  I left a broken, drifting woman... and came back as the beginning of the stronger current version of myself.

Even getting my CDL and suddenly having more time off, more money, more travelling experiences?  I still see in my writings how LONELY I was. How I craved roots.  A home.  A companion. A family. As time went on, my dogs retired from travelling with me.  That is a very big hole still in me today. 

June 8, 2008 I prayed back through in Cooper City, Florida.  There I found such love, such hope... if God has a human face? There was patient love and concern at the church there. 

Over time, the loneliness has eased. Yes, still flare ups. Holidays are rough. Missing my girls like crazy. I suppose I still think about a companion... although, by now, I think a dog would be plenty.  And I am growing in the LORD, finding the servant's heart and giving of my affection, finances, attention to those I meet along the way. Staying connected through church, social media, and nurturing relationships with family and friends,,, when the easy way out would be to just stay in my own shell. Seems the "safer" way would be to keep to myself. 

But God has poured so much grace and mercy into me. I have a testimony. I am blessed with abundance - tangible and the unseen, unmeasurable. I encounter Love everywhere I go, and try to reflect that Light out again.  To be the hands, feet, voice,,, to be used of God. Truth - you can NOT outgive God!

Lately, my musings have begun to repeat themselves. WHERE DO I WANT TO LIVE? Where do I want to work?  Why am I doing any of this?  I suppose after 7 years out here, it's reasonable to want to question WHAT'S NEXT?

Just this past week, it felt like going "home" when I drove a load through Asheville, Sylva, Bryson City etc. Saw familiar stores, mom and pop diners, and familiar routes I explored on my motorcycle that Autumn of 2006. 

A new longing has been gnawing me - when I do take "Time Off" I want it to be in the wild, untamed mountains, rivers, and open lands.  South Florida is choking my spirit.  But where would I go to church? Park my motorcycle, car, boat, receive my mail if I leave the familiarity and church of South Florida?

Gosh, is it time to hold my nose and jump off the Deep End again?  The churning in my tummy lets me know I am on to something.  One chapter is sliding off the page,,, the new pages beckoning. 

Someone I trust said some very kind things about words I had shared.  They have stirred me so I am copying them here .

 "Dear Poet: I have been reading your words for a few years now.  This particular entry has sensuality without sex, love without obligation, and care without expectation.  It reads like a chapter from a beautiful "inspired by" biography. "

We write in the pages of the Life we have been given, we all do this. We Process in ways that are as varied  as we are individual.  My Go To is to write.  Sometimes I reach out, often, the old habits of tucking and rolling to protect myself kick in and I do not share. 

My friend's words stir affirmations in me. I like that he sees these traits in me, and plan to live up to them, if only for myself. To be the best version of myself that I can be.  Challenge accepted!

My Intention for 2014 was shared in private with my oldest daughter.  It was simply "To Love".  The deep explanation, is not just to love others more (the EASY PART!), but to allow others to love me.  Letting others pour what they have of talents, wishes, hopes and dreams into the mixing pot. Even when someone has nothing to offer in material measures of the world and our spoiled culture, if they love one another as Christ so loved? To open myself. To enjoy this world with others, on their Journeys.  The Flow of Giving and Receiving of insights, experiences, valuables unclogged from my fears and reticence.

To become vulnerable again after all these years of SELF: Determination, Reliance,  Provision, Love, Care.

I see the fruits of this awareness when I begin to experience  passions, such as a desire to live somewhere, to belong, to have roots, foundation and a base to support the  branches available to be by my job as an over the road truck driver.

That allowing LOVE in scares me? Signs like blinking neon that I am to move towards this unknown. 

I've stared into the abyss. I've wished for death, I've tread water. I've stepped out of my Comfort Zone. I've created, recreated and created myself over and again. 

It's just now that I see the sweet stirrings of Spring in my life as well as the natural world. From the pungent flowers, to the myriad colors, to the sounds of life around me, I am drawn out of my truck, my comfort, and my hiding place into the world around me. 

It's a lot like riding my motorcycle. Put the helmet on, create the environment, and let go! Blowing the cobwebs out, releasing tensions, trying new things, taking a "wrong" turn and letting Life show me her majesty! 

Years ago, I could not abide the bittersweet of Country music. Getting to where I can avoid the harsh pain and enjoy the hopeful happiness.  Reminded that Brad Paisley's "When I Get Where I'm Going" says what my words can not convey. "Yeah when I get where I'm goin,

There'll be only happy tears. I will shed the sins and struggles, I have carried all these years. And I'll leave my heart wide open, I will love and have no fear. Yeah when I get where I'm goin, Don't cry for me down here."

The link to Brad's YouTube video is here ---->>>   When I Get Where I'm Going

Writing my own story,

Janet M. Olsen

~J~

"When  Get Where I'm Going"

(Feat. Dolly Parton)
When I get where I'm going,
On the far side of the sky,
The first thing I'm gonna do
Is spread my wing and fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion,
And run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what its like,
To ride a drop of rain

(Chorus)
Yeah when I get where I'm goin,
There'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles 
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm goin,
Don't cry for me down here

I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy.
And he'll match me step for step.
And I'll tell him how I missed him
Every minute sence he left,
Then I'll hug his neck.

(Repeat chorus)

So much pain and so much darkness,
In this world we stumble through.
All these questions I can't answer,
And so much work to do

But when I get where I'm goin,
And I see my maker's face,
I'll stand forever in the light,
Of his amazing Grace.

Yeah when I get where I'm goin,
There'll be only happy tears.
I will love and have no fear.

The Butterfly Chaser's Letter

Today was a turning point for me! 

Have you ever been drawn to follow a bird, a butterfly, or the sounds of the woods until you are IN the forest?  The noises and movement that attracted you becomes eerily still. 

Do you wait, stand still, and simply breathe in and out?

Perhaps you BECOME a part of the forest, and one by one, nature entrusts you with her glory and she begins moving, breathing, singing again in and around you.

Today, I entrusted a friend of mine with a letter that was long in coming.  I began to "write" and all of the recent anxieties that grip my heart and throat poured out in a rush!  I wrote in a safe place, to a safe friend.  This reminds me some of prayers to God.  In my case, my personal cross that I bear and submit daily is my driving reliance on SELF - self-motivation, self-determination, self-provision, and so on. 

People like to mention the good things they see in me such as the Light (of God), my bounce and joy (of God) and my strength,,,, ut oh, too often that strength is "of Jan".  I end up bearing way more of the burden of this crazy life than I was ever designed to do.

My health, sleep, attitude, and spiritual life is drained by this SELF problem.

Funny, I didn't really write about SELF to my friend. He already knows me, and knows my issues and inner struggles.  No, today, I released the angst that bound me in knots lately. I told him at the end of the letter that I KNEW the weight was lifted, the chokehold burst!  Grateful!

I feel like today was a failure or shortcoming, when measured by own critical SELF barometer. I am an agressive and determined person, and as a driver, that is an asset.  Yet, today, I allowed personal weakness to stop me short of the goal.  I will make the same money on this trip whether it posts this week or next.  Usually, I rely on mySELF and I push through any physical, mental, emotional or spiritual pain.

Not today.

Instead, I parked 150 miles early, making it a grossly negligent short day on my job.  I felt led to get out of the truck to walk a bit.

That's when I heard IT!  The Siren call of the katydids in the wooded rest area!  Drawn further into the shadows, the songs of home in Central Florida and my youth rose and surged like the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir.  Only this time, it was God's Creation!   I stopped just in the path and took first one cleansing breath, then a second, then, closing my eyes, a third, and I BECAME a part of the chorus of breath and pure expression God offered.

I am seeing light ahead of me from a recent battle.  It has been detailed and threatened my loved ones and ways I know to move in Life with them.

As for the Butterfly Chaser in me?  I remember in Fall 2011, God gave me a gift of a paid, working trip from Florida, all up through New England during the peak of Autumn colors.  On I-77 as NC gave way to VA, Maurice and I were talking. This was early in our friendship.  I remember telling him "I chose to be very Present and very grateful for today and this trip. If you want to share my joy WITH me, then we can talk along my drive.  But if you have need to be negative or to pop my Happy Bubbles?  Then we need to hang up and catch later.....  we ended up talking later.

There is nothing wrong with either of our approach to a day or to Life.  Over our year, I have found we complement each other well and add texture to the facets that make us who we are. 

This is where I am in this very Present Moment.  Anyone can CHOOSE to get in my bubble and share the gratitude, love, and forgiveness I have towards Life and others,,,, or we can hang up for awhile and see if we reconnect along the way. 

You choose.

For now?  I am content at becoming ONE with God's creation and experiencing the fullness of his glory again.

Thank you for every prayer, every word, every thought, every shared moment. 

I am back.

I am LION, hear me ROAR!
~Janet M. Olsen
~Jan~

ps. as I closed this, another driver came up to me, inviting me to join him and his wife for prayer. PEOPLE- I am at a rest area in rural Tennessee! only GOD feeds the sparrows like that! Only GOD!!!

Reaching For The Center Of The Mark

Loving God, loving people. That's the Center Of The Mark.

The last weeks have been full of changes in a GREAT way.  Many of the puzzle pieces of my life have been turning,    gently sliding into alignment.  It's amazing how seamlessly this happens when I get "me" out of the way and let God work.

New revelations have become clear.  Great bursts of Intuition and clarity present themsleves when I am least expecting.

I am trying not to be afraid, as the acceleration is pushing on my chest and like a tailwind all at the same time.  I don't feel in a bind though, I feel exhilarated and aware of every nuance, every whisper, every shade of the pallet of God as he paints a Masterpiece in my soul.

Still, I am finding a need to get alone with God and seek Him. 

As I go, I love others. I let love manifest to me as well. And I am staying open to the Change and Course God would have me to take.  The Lion within is letting loose with a major ROAR, while the lamb that sits in the center of my being is submitting to the ministrations of the Shepherd. Healing is taking place, strength is being imparted, nurture is flowing like a river.

Humbly,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Manifest

As we set out on this journey, Lets obey the call from the heart of God,
  Let us Love at any cost, Draw back your bow let love go....

This week has been mellow in my attitudes and my work. Both have been slow to heat up. Not quite at a dead standstill, not running full tilt on  high octane either.  I attribute my laidback approach to my weekend of rest and of dancing.  I expended pent up energies that were roiling inside my gut when I gave it up to God and got real with Him in my own personal way.

Tonight at work, it could be said things were not going very well? Low miles, therefore little pay.  A late schedule to do the piddly run in, yet it ate up a full 16 hours. The pace was just turtle slow. Nothing was going wrong, it was just one of THOSE days.

May 17, 2011 is Alisha and Tony's 4th wedding anniversary.  I also have spent time with friends talking about God, his love, his other attributes. My mind works in song, and today was a prime example as the old reliable tunes became soundtracks to my thoughts.  Larry Graham's "One In A Million You" and "I Just Can't Stop Dancing", then Chicago "You're The Inspiration".

  As I come to relax in God, to rest in Him, I have love coursing into me, through me, and pouring out of me in many forms. Inspiration. Meditation. Prayers. Gifts. Service. Family. Friends. Strangers.

At Pentecostals of Cooper City, with my close friends on Saturday, at Your Big Picture Cafe I had people coming to me with touch, embrace, laughter, tears, the kindest words, and concerns.  If  I knew reuniting was so rewarding, perhaps I wouldn't stay away as long, hahahah.  Even people remote in location sent emails, texts, phone calls that can only be categorized as love offerings.   Care. Concern. Respect. Honor. Affection.  For every gift, I say THANK YOU!  You have no idea how much these meant to me!

Then I particpated in THREE services on Sunday. Two of them were at my church. One at the Cafe.  In each event, God made himself manifest. From visions, to revelations, to show of light and source,  to strength and heat, to visible spiritual manifestations of Gifts of the Spirit I was just surrounded in the loving atmosphere by God working, moving, interacting with his Creation.  I have been in a Discovery mode and it still creates awe and quietness to realize God in everything, everywhere, all-knowing, all-powerful.

Peace.  That is a word that begins to express my state of being right now.  Sated in Him.  Hungry for the things of God, the mind of God, to be in His presence again, to abide there.  I want to go higher, deeper, more fully into His plans and ways for me.  I want to be more like Him.

Tonight, while my work day ran slow? It put me in the path of another driver. I was downloading the older  song "Center Of The Mark" by 4Him, talking about letting love go, to others, letting love hit its mark, with God as the flow and source of all that is and will be.  This driver kept yammering at me next door.  Finally, I set it all down and turned to face him.  He must be in my path for a reason?

As it unfolded? I cued up a YouTube video, and then read to him from a book.  I gave him the book.  At the beginning, I asked if he was a reader? He said no, but he had a lady friend that was.  By the time I let him watch the video, and talked to him from the contents?  He was saying he wants to read it for himself now, if I will still let him have a copy.  He couldn't believe I was just going to GIVE HIM a copy, signed by the author.   Just as it passed into his truck from mine? His bills were ready, and he was free to go.  The dock door next to me stayed unoccupied the remainder of my PROTRACTED stay.

Timing.  Willing hearts and spirits.  Lives touched by God.

No, I did NOT have a bad day at work.  I went to work today to meet the driver named Terry, and show God to him, through example of the love God pours into me, via a book that is a WORK OF HEART from a friend, inspired of God.

Terry from Virginia is a simple fellow. No explanation made to him, but I know that God was made manifest through simple acts of kindness and service. Just as I received in abundance all weekend. It made runnels through me, and right back out into the never ending stream of God's love, grace, tenderness, and mercy.

To end my long, very profitable God day, I am going to sit in grateful meditation and prayers listening to Tom Ameen on the piano. And  give this day up to the cool night, andto  the God that holds me in his hands.

Goodnight,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

The Center Of The Mark - 4 HIM
To Love God, love people
That's the center of the mark


In this life some things are bound to change
But one thing remains the same
We all need love


Time goes on, it moves like a hurricane
And through all the wind and rain
We all need love


As this world just keeps on turnin' round and round
There are treasures to be found
If we just let compassion lead the way
CHORUS

Draw back your bow, let love go
Shoot straight for the heart
With all of your might, set you sight
Take aim from the start
To love God, love people
That's the center of the mark


Every day, through what is and is to come
When all has been said and done
We all need love


So Jesus came, a gift from the heart of God
He gave us His life because
We all need love


And the love that death could not keep in the grave
Is alive in us today
So we must live to show the world the way
REPEAT CHORUS
BRIDGE
For the world is the target
And the arrow is the cross
As we set out on this journey
Lets obey the call from the heart of God
Let us Love at any cost

Draw back your bow let love go....

Few Words

I have had a major shaking up in my world this weekend.  At this time, I do not have words for it.

Actually, I am retreating into myself for a time of cleansing and purifying.

So I will close with this thought, "I won't turn back."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3xFXLOKKIQ

God bless.

Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Moving On lyrics

Hiding in a smile
Is a life filled with hurt
A soul that's crying out
Wanting to be heard
I've tried all I know
To discard all my pain
Will I come alive
Is there any way

CHORUS:
I don't wanna waste another day
Living in regret from my mistakes
I'll move on and the sun will shine
Pick up the pieces walk away
Live with the choices I have made
You've forgotten and so will I
So will I

When the day is done
And the noise and lights are gone
I look back at my life
What else can go wrong
How could you still love
A heart as cold as ice
But I must look so different
Different in your eyes

It's a mystery
How human can I be?

It's Really That Simple- Free Falling

,

 That blip on the photo is me - soaring, free falling, LIVING in the Moment with Gratitude.

Today is January 1, 2011. It has been for me for 10hr21minutes already. I enjoyed watching my International friends celebrate before the earth turned on its axis for it to be my turn to countdown. This year, a special treat to me was the fruition of several goals set long ago. The culminating moment? Was linked arm to arm, hand to hand, in prayer and fervent seeking with Brothers and Sisters at Pentecostals of Cooper City, Florida.  As we prayed as family units, then for one another, and for ourselves, in agreement, my wonderful church family turned towards our countdown screen and shared that E-ching moment of each year's transition. 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1-HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! 

With song, laughter, dance, worship and exhortation we sought God as a unified body of believers both  in the past year and moving forward into the new!  This really was an answer to prayer, planning, sacrifice, and a desire of my heart to be here for this service. Happy and blessed.

I'm not going to write a year in review now. I have a photographic project that will speak volumes when I am done compiling it as the Spirit directs. I don't want to say what others have already said so much more eloquently and fervently before me in this past week leading up to the new year. But I do have a few words from MY heart to share. And here we go!

Philipians 3:13): I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, (14) I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
( I have not "apprehended" or attained all there is for me to know about life or myself, but I must look at RIGHT NOW and then reach for the Future with hope and trust.)

At first, the source of quotes that I am going to attribute will seem odd to anyone who has gotten to know me in the last 3-5 years. It will REALLY suprise the people I have connected with in the most recent few months.   However, these are MY lessons that I have learned. And that source was an integral part of my life for the Season he was placed in my path.  I had much to learn. Not all of it was to DUCK!

This person actually (and I am only just beginning to see it this way) was a part of my daily walk for a time because he was a vessel God used to exact work in the crucible where God had me.  It was an understanding between God and I.  Through Revelation and Vision, God had asked me years ago why I wasn't on the Potter's Wheel, and I had to admit that I had specifically taken myself off. Why? "So I could become something you could use. Something of worth. Of value. Then, God, I was coming back."

Ah, I had it all wrong. For a decade.  8-10 years is a long time to be at war within your Spirit!  It carries burdens, regrets, pain that was never God's will for me at all.  So, between God and I, we entered into a specific time of BROKENNESS where I had to fully submit to His creative powers and ultimate design for my life.

At times, the pressure seemed more than I could bear. Occasionally I grew impatient with the Process and tried to "fix me" on my own. So glad I serve an Eternal, all-loving God who has nothing but Time  of the ages to knead and adjust me and my stinking attitudes.

The lessons I learned in this particular chapter covered 14 months of my life, and even longer if you count the "recovery" period which is still on on-going process.  And no new revelations or anything scary here today. Rather, I am about to say things that brings me to humble, quiet, knowing and tears of gentle gratitude for the lesson.

 JayJ, taught me to work hard, but to relax even harder. See? Not what you might be expecting. From our first handshake on introduction with the words exchange of "Hi, I'm agressive.""That's good. So am I."  we entered into our business relationship with a single mindest - TO WIN! To be the TOP of our field   (DM for him, Driver for me.)

As a working pair? We were AWESOME!!!  He pushed me HARD, with his contacts, his knowledge and his efforts.  I often felt growing pains as I had to build up stamina for driving as if my life depended on it, learn to fix things on my own if they broke down, time and money management.

Then, as I excelled, he didn't sit back and say "yeah that's good. Rest here." Nope!! The very next load assigment he pushed me HARDER.  As two agressive, driven to succeed tenacious people? The see saw of learning, doing, learning, growing, expanding was constantly in pendulum effect!!!!

Then,  when he had pounded into me like a mantra "450 miles a day Jan, or you will FAIL" (UGLY UGLY WORD in my vocabulary) and he had me staring at the odometer.  A 750 mile day on Monday, did not excuse a 350 miles day on Tuesday. Not to either one of us.  I had shown I had the POTENTIAL of  a 750 mile Tuesday too.

So when JayJ ran out of resources on the logistics end? I often pushed back on him, and even learned to go around him, to pull down my own loads out of a magician's hat.  In trucking, we do something called a "repower" or "relay".  This is like a relay race, with the loaded trailer as the baton.  If one driver is too slow, or too fast, the load may be relayed to another driver, and the first driver can either rest or pick up the pace in a new direction.  I became known as the driver that made the Impossible happen!  Inside Stevens logistics departments, if a load was in danger? Give it to Jan. She will come through! 24/7 I was the "GO TO GUY" and just being honest here, I LOVED IT!  I EARNED IT!

I made Jay's Board look good!  Stevens had 2,800 drivers, 700 Alliance drivers, and I was the top 2.85%.

What a team!  An earning, developing, striving for excellence partnership JayJ and I had!!!! 

Then came a day.... no new load, no repower, I was just early and had to sit waiting on another driver to arrive 8-10 hours later. "What do you mean? How can I do 450 miles today sitting still? Run in circle around the parking lot? Are you crazy!?"

After the 3rd or 4th text or email from me, JayJ bit back, "Oh GOD JAN!!! JUST RELAX!!! DAMN!   GO SHOPPING OR SOMETHING!! I'M NOT GOING TO SEND YOU ANYTHING NEW UNTIL YOU CHILL OUT!!"

Gotta admit, this made me mad at the time.  I huffed and I puffed and stomped to the outlet mall in Jeffersonville, Ohio,,, I was going to go into "A" store in a huff, and I was going to say "NOW! GET ME A LOAD!"

ahhhhh,,,, but God and his Lessons.....

As a single mom? I could not afford hamburger meat for the hamburger helper. I was inadequate as a provider or head of household. So it caused me angst to now be making thousands a week take home pay, and not have anyone to spend it on.  Being low income also meant I didn't shop at the mall at the "name brand" stores, and had no idea what an outlet mall was.  And I had guilt issues over spending any of my money now on things for myself.

Being at this outlet mall, instead of being an "AH YOU HAVE ARRIVED moment"?  It was painful for me.

But, my natural curiousity and propensity for humor got the better of me.  I saw a "Brooks and Brothers". Now, not having experience with name brands??? I read it as "Books and Brothers"... and in excitement I ran to that store first. Only to be sad when it was a men's clothing store. ROFL!!! 

But, to my left or my right? Was Adidas, or Yankee Candle, or the golf store..... and one led to the next,,

I looked up,, and it was noon! and I had a few small shopping bags. I had bought JayJ gifts, I had bought Angel gifts,,, I had gone and let the lady at Lane Bryant measure me. I had even gone into the Adidas store and my treat to myself was in incredible high quality pair of tennis shoes which I just had to replace a month or so ago.... while at Adidas, I sponsored children in the "Right To Play" program, and became a source of financial assistance to kids who want to play soccer, but cannot afford the gear (my surrogate gift in Alisha's name).

I had lunch in the food court,, and walked around marvelling at the store list  and doorways, and windows. I munched an  ice cream cone.

Telling you this to make a point. JayJ insisted I RELAX. Stop and enjoy the moment!  It wasn't anything I WANTED to do. But, amazingly, we built this into our business partnership from here out. 

That afternoon??  JayJ sent me a repower load with exactly 450 miles that I could log by midnight.  He smirked, "I told you so", and I took the lesson to heart.

So, back to work, grueling schedule between our efforts to keep my truck rolling and earning.

Another example, similar scenario, I now saw it coming. JayJ was building me a "day off whether I liked it or not". So, I chose where I shut the truck down. Boise, Idaho.  I asked JayJ, "What shall I do?? Buy a bicycle and go touring these mountains? Tour the college campus? (OMG LOVELY!!!),,, go see Transformers 2 in IMAX????  GO to the wildlife retreat and stroll near the animals??? Go bowling?

WHAT JAY!?!?!?  WHAT DO I DO TO "FILL" MY TIME OFF!?!??!

His reply, forever etched in my brain and ways of living today.... "Just go chill. Lay on your back somewhere and watch the birds play."

That afternoon, a fulfillment of a goal of mine,  I bought the bicycle I had always wanted to use OTR as recreational exercise and personal conveyance. The dogs and I rode in the truck to the Boise River Park. Then we took the bicycle and rode it all around the college campus,, and on a trail winding in and out of the woods and river!  I bought a sandwhich and apple,, and while the boys swam in the river? I ate a picnic lunch.

And lay on my back, watching the birds play.

All of this journalling today to bring me to the Present.  I actually owe another friend or two my gratitude here. On their own, through their life by example, and their words and suggestions directly or indirectly, they have given me the BEST GIFTS of 2010 and my life to date.   They helped me find my BREATH. Meditation. Quietness. And the superb blessing in BEING PRESENT right here, right now. Feeling, experiencing RIGHT NOW.

My growth to this point has me able and ready to see the Building Blocks that these unlikely pairings of sources are revealing. Another lesson? It really shouldn't be suprising me,,, maybe it will become less of a suprise, and more of and expectant awareness?  But learning also the "CONNECTEDness we all share, if we realize and honor that.

Perhaps, JayJ and the trials and victories we went through as DM/Driver, and as Jay the man/ Jan the woman really were to my greater good?

If I am to a place, today, a gentle, forgiving Knowing... a loving Gratitude to God my Creator of ALLOWING me to know JayJ and to learn to CHILL JAN?  Then  perhaps it prepared me to hear "Pay attention to your breath, one thing at a time."

Building Blocks. Someone greater than I , all eternal had a plan and course for me all along.

He really did have his eye on the sparrow the whole time.

I've been on the mountain ledge for awhile now. Re-discovering my breath, my writing, my expression, my joy in the DANCE, my passions, my creativity, and my burdens for others.  I will even venture to say here, I am "finding me"....  who I am now, and who I was meant to be all along. Fearfully and wonderfully made.

Loving.  So open to all possibilities. Cleansing, healing tears flowing as I SEE this and acknowledge the POWER here.

Ready to soar in new ways, with wings as eagles in 2011 and Beyond,
Grateful and peaceful,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Oceans of Inspiration

After an OVER THE TOP blessed Christmas, I am back in SoFL on Dania Beach at the pier.  It's a chilly 52 degrees and windy.  Not another soul to be seen.  I had to layer up to enjoy it,, but Vitamin D is still abundant!  Chapstick and lotion are my friend :)

Today is a WRITING DAY... I have been buzzing,,, THROBBING with inspiration for the last couple of days and today, I came here to pour my heart and soul out into words. Perhaps, I will be able to share some of it, although some if it will be between me and Almighty God.

I will share right now, even before I "process" and tabulate all my recent revelations, self-discoveries and  gratitude laden blessings, that I have begun healing.  Some of you know my serious medical needs.  And yes, I mean that healing has begun. 

I'm sure those same people are also aware of the critical needs of my soul and emotions and spiritual man.  Be encouraged!!  I have had portals opened and great floods of Change and Direction POURED into me , like this ocean roaring to my right!

So stay tuned in.  My prayers are for clarity, humility, and grace for myself. For you, I pray peace, health, prosperity, wisdom, and contented joy.

All my love ,,, yes,, the L-word,,, I have so much lathered into me,, it is coming out :)

Ahhhh,, humor, joy and the Dance!

Inspired and writing,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

To Coin A Phrase

Found this today in my old MySpace blog......  wow!!! THREE YEARS AGO!

I am remaining true to myself,,,, wow!!
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Dec 11, 2007


To Coin A Phrase

Current mood:blessed

The epic ....

What's in a word?

Cute phrases we pick up? One word missiles? Or one word of a healing nature? Nurture?

A lot of what I type next has a melancholy feel. Yet, that is not my current state of mind. Some of it is sent by way of an explanation, but then again a life well-lived warrants none. I jotted down bullets of ideas as I drove down the interstate in the New England states on Thanksgiving Day. Today, I do not feel the same echo of silence around me. But I wrote at a time when I felt isolated and a touch sorry for myself. There are some nuggets of truth though, and that is what I decided to share today.



"To Coin a Phrase"

11/22/07, Thanksgiving Day

            I have decided that Brer Rabbit was a wily one.  I am new to driving big rigs this year and feel very intimidated by the inherent dangers of driving on snow and ice.  Angel pointed out to me that this is not a foreign feeling for me this year.  I had to work hard throughout the process of getting my CDL to maintain my cool and my Can Do-attitude.  I was still sore from my bike wreck when it came to climbing in and out of the cab of the trucks.  Also learning to double shift and maneuver 10 gears every time a truck moved was taxing on injured bones and muscles.  I had bad habits to unlearn and new movements to memorize. A time or two I wondered aloud if I was making a mistake.  But, my grit prevailed and I determined to work it out. 

            The rewards were instantaneous.  I am driving for a company that is serious about training and the safety of its drivers through decent equipment and education.  Right away, just by flying Delta out of Orlando I saw new places, people, and things.  And OH! The adventures to date!  Of course, I can not photograph everything.  But I see wonders of nature and landscape that blow me away.

            To be honest, I am a bit homesick. Lonely perhaps. Nostalgic here on Thanksgiving. It's  not like I have many traditions left after my divorce and now empty nest.  I would be just as "alone" in my house and it would be as silent and void.  Each way has options such as more work to fill the hours.  Reaching out to those in need.  Making friends with the stillness and seeking the peace of the quiet.

            I did not cook huge meals even when at home. We all have strengths and that is not one of mine J. But I did not celebrate Thanksgiving as a big several day dinner event since 2000 and my divorce.  I think maybe we did a big dinner a time or two with Lewis. When the girls were home, they were growing up. They had to split time between their dad and I. Eventually, they had boyfriends and thus other families to share time with. A lot like it was as a newly married couple with young children.  Ole and I often spent holidays on the road traveling to visit our parents etc.  So dinner at my place is not what I miss.  In the last years, post-Lewis, the girls and I adapted.  We made the most of each moment that presents itself. We'd get dressed up and for a few hours go to a nice resteraunt etc.

            I usually worked extra shifts so folks with young kids and families could be together.  As I noted, my girls haven't been home for this holiday for years. This would have happened eventually anyway, but I admit it surprised me a year or two early. Then again, by definition of empty nest, I never would have been "ready".  This is merely factual.  As I drive this big rig today, I see motorists stranded on the side of the road and feel empathy for them.  That represents a loss of some kind.  They may be down to their last dime, and car repairs finish the devastation.  Not to mention, that connection and bond they were intending to fulfill with their loved one today.  I have a lot of blessings I know.  Think of the soldiers and other people of service.  There are the newly separated, divorced, widowed. And those sick or injured and their support network.  Many people unable to afford to celebrate and who may be struggling just to live day to day. For all that, I know my good report. That is why I wish to make it clear, I am not wallowing in self-pity. Merely reflecting.

           

            Here I find myself on Thanksgiving 2007 crossing the Hudson River and  the Tappan Zee bridge while a huge boat passes under me. Who'd a thunk this when I was a burned out night auditor scraping to get by? Florida has two seasons. Hot and Warm.  The north has two also. Winter and Construction.  This contributes to my mood today. I miss the South. The genteel and mellow ways that are absent in the hustle up north.  New England especially is a haughty breed and they cram the volume of Los Angeles into confining spaces, narrow roads and unfriendly exteriors.  The scenery though is amazing and is a redeeming factor.

            I have referred to myself as Florida Cracker.  Be sure, this is NOT a racial thing!!!   This is a frame of mind.  Carl Allen in Auburndale, Florida personified the Down Home of the South in his Cracker House resteraunt.  Here he reigns as king of bluegrasss.  And the memorabilia collected in that log cabin reflect a timelessness of simplicity.  Your food is served on sewing tables with real pedals still in evidence.  Your tea is served out of a mason jar and be confident, it is sweet and it is brewed, not instant out of a can. There the delicious catfish is served as it was meant to be with a side of grits brought to the table in a pan. The front porch going around the building has real wooden rockers not the cheap imitations sold at Cracker Barrel.  So if I align myself with the simple pleasures and laid back times you glimpse how I view my world.  It is a lot like the Biker Wave.  That phenomenon that when a biker, be it sports bike or cruiser, passes another, they salute with a lifted  hand  in greeting and acknowledgement.  A sense of brotherhood and camaraderie. This is absent up north and even when visitors travel to Florida for bikefests, the wave gets lost.   This contributes to the feeling of being a fish out of water.

            Remember the warmth and fun of Uncle Remus's tales on The Wonderful World of Disney? The foibles of the woodland creatures?  Like Brer Rabbit, I am learning to work the dispatch system of my company. "Please don't throw me in that briar patch. You can roast me, hang me, but please, whatever you do, don't throw me in that briar patch," he'd exclaim! And out of spite that's where he'd be flung. He'd shake off his bonds and LAFF! So here I am, in Texas having me a laffing spell. I crossed that beautiful corridor in Oregon of I-84 in the Columbia River Gorge 8 times in 4 days last month.  On the 8th  pass, I topped Cabbage Mountain eastbound to a winter wonderland. But to me, it was anything but wonderous, LOL! That extreme pure white snow and ice just freaked me out! It was visually sensational" but taxed my driving skills.  I begged to be brought to the south. Stevens did.  They sent me to Missouri.  As I breathed a sigh of relief? The next load sent me to where I am today steaming northward to a delivery in Assonet, Massachutesetts. From MA?  To Trenton, Ontario, CANADA via NEW YORK!

            Several people know from following me on my personal journey and self-explorations, I have had to work to conquer my spirit of fear.  I had to draw upon Gods Word.  Fear is not from God.  Neither is that feeling of isolation and frustration.  On my second trip into Canada I stopped in Michigan and bought myself a KJV Bible and new journal.  It was a change of mindset.  A conscious decision to stop complaining.  Quit giving into paralyzing fears of sliding and loss of control.  Angel chastised me.  She reminded me of my trepidations as I earned my CDL and also of how I was afraid to descend mountains loaded to 80,000 pounds, until one day I got under my semi with a guy trainer, and he showed me the brakes, and explained the mechanics of the transmission working to hold the engine in check from running away.  Then my trainer and I went down the mountain and at the bottom, I asked, "Was that ALL?!?" Now I approach with respect and security bred of knowledge and skill.  And Angel challenged me to do the same with snow and Ice.  I do have to say, having slid and wrecked on my bike?  I am not eager to repeat that loss of control.   I can recall several similar examples of this learning curve.  I panicked my first time SCUBA diving off the back of a perfectly good boat into heaving salt water.  But drew from Lewis' confidence in me and I linked arms with Mike, the dive guide, and I descended, locked eye to eye with Mike 60 feet to the ocean floor.  That day I sifted sand from the bottom of the ocean through my gloved hand in victory. Fear did not win a round then and has lost again.

            You guessed it. After a second stint in frozen Canada, I did not beg to be sent south. "Please don't throw me in that briar patch." And here I am today, sweating in the humidity in the south. Happily J

            Another issue I ponder?  Oh, and there are many.  I have nothing but time on my hands to dream and speculate in the confines and freedoms 24/7 of my truck cab.  Often in the wee hours of the night, while I satisfy  my wanderlust and curiousity of the world around me, part of me craves a home and a loved one. I am definitely enjoying new adventure and travel,  but part of me yearns for a home. For roots. For someone to share my life with.

            I still hunger for a friend. A companion. Specifically for a mate or lover to cuddle and touch. Someone dear to me to share the experience and journey with me.  A home to share. I am an affectionate person and I miss the security of lying with my head on my lovers shoulder.

            It seems I am standing at a crossroads in my life.  I am a wanderer who is realizing I am growing older.  As I near 40, I face a great life lived so far and questions as to my life ahead. I see it. Yet it looks like the sudden dense fog that blankets at dusk. I have trouble seeing through the mists surrounding me to the clear and right path ahead.  As for a companion? I still assert, he will have to be a special man.  One who is not intimidated by my strengths and diversity. He will have to be sound and confident in who he is so he is not threatened by our differences and similarities. I think a  fellow driver,,, yet the cab of a truck is a confined space. WHEW! You'd have to really and I do mean REALLY love and respect someone to share that tiny space. A plus if he shares my love of all things outdoors and water?  And I hope to one day ride a motorcycle again.  The guy doesn't have to fit into that mold. But by token, we need to both be secure enough to allow each other to be the man and woman we are.  And where we intersect?  That is a shared bliss. I do not think I will be content to drive OTR much longer.  I want roots.  A home. A love of my life.

            I can say with definite certainty that I unequivocally love Angel and Alisha as they are today. This goes deeper than just a mothers love.  It is an acknowledgement of the young women of integrity and high standards that they are and the women of purpose they are becoming. In this, I led by example, and I accept that I did a fine job as a parent.  I do still see them in my minds eye all ponytails and bounce, but I recognize and relate to them now as grown adults finding their way in this world of possibilities.  I cherish the friendship and bond we share.  And accept, that we each live our lives now, separate, yet crisscrossing.  I may have given them a nest to fly and launch from, but they gave me desire to fly and air to fill my wings.

            To sum it all up?  I have grown wise to enjoy the journey and self-discovery.  I have good days and bad, as we are all permitted to do.  But it is the decision to prosper from the knowledge gained that counts.  I am returning to my earlier ways of not sweating the petty stuff.  Through trial and error I gain skill and confidence with each new task.  I hunger for the touch and bond of a companion. I marvel at my nations people and vistas.  I seek roots and place to call home. I am less sentimental over "THINGS" such as keeping a house just because it is filled with reminders of my past life with my girls. And I need a spell of dancing like I do, when no one is watching me….

            Thank you for reading my missive. I am well.  I am blessed. I am an Over The Road truck driver.  Happy holidays and may you enjoy this time with your loved ones and prosper in the new year.

~JAN~

AhhhEEEEeee!!! Geuax Saints in Mississppi!

December Greetings!!! As I work my way through a week that has already given me much in the ways of opportunities to grow in God and to be more like Him in HIs character?  I am reminded by the Spirit that the CHRISTmas season is all about what has already been given,, in the person of Christ Jesus.... and of seeing each other, our lives, our world the way HE sees it. I am reminded when I am short of temper or patience with another? He would not act the way I have. I have a choice in this. Let the healing begin here, with me.

We can all point to our challenges.  What keeps us awake at night? Who is on our prayer list, every time? Who stirs us to compassion as we brush shoulders in a world full of busy people?

Many people are hurting inside. This may not show. They may compensate by being brusque. Funny. Always down. Always up. Some close in to themselves. Some reach out more.

I am amazed at the GOODNESS GOD HAS POURED INTO ME BY THE RIVERS!!!!   Yes, I am alone, at a time of year that typically is celebrated by parties, assemblies, family gatherings.  But, I am alive this year again. Well able to work. Blessed this year with the regional job I now work for.

And daily, minute by minute, I look around me for windows to open, for doors to show their knob & for the courage to twist it.  I have embarked on a self-help Journey to finding true love (love of myself), true happiness (to be residing in  happy, not just in a moment, person, or thing), to choosing to love more fully, to forgive all injustices, to give myself some space and slack to make mistakes so that I may learn from them.

Gifts of people, places, things, that I may share my knowledge of God and Truth. That I may be God's hands, feet, voice, HIS laughter and his embracing arms to another.  To give them monetary gifts or tangible items from my bountiful blessings that run out of my being.

Below is a cute note written at a truck stop in Southern Mississippi last night.  I had a wonderful blessing of being loved by my fellow man and they brightened my day.  Let the JOY of the season, the Spirit of Giving in this simple story from the road give you a lift and a smile!
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Brookhaven, MS Sunday night


Grooving to a radio station that has played songs from "Sweet Home Alabama" , Peter Frampton and that song where the guitar talks, to "Here Without You" RUSH!!! "Limelight" to "Sleigh Ride" with a female jazz singer and incredible full band sound to "Centerfold"! My my my!!! Mix it up!!!! Huge grin!!! Earlier in ATL was scattin' and funkin' with the black folks on their themed jazz, Blues, R&B station!!

The happy-ness of this evening is being in the TRUE South!! Florida doesn't count, such a melting pot. GA, parts of it. Beginning in SC, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisianna, Texas,,, it is like tonight, went inside the truck stop, as I came out, the young clerk opened the door for me "Ma'am, you have a nice night. Be safe out there and Merry CHristmas."

In a world of microwaves??? Tonight, after only 475miles got to my delivery. I had parked at Wesson, MS where I am now, about 12 miles from del. For some reason (spirit prompting) I decided to look again at the load assignment. WOW!!! Instead of 1300 on 12/20???? It was 0100 on 12/20!!!!!!! I was aiming to be 12 hours late, sitting on it!!!! My goodness! So I called them, a Wal-Mart Dist Center and he said I can come anytime since it is a drop and hook.

When I show up, two good ol' boys as guards. The older distinguished gentleman says "Hey! I know you! You just called me! How are you?"

The other younger guy, eating, mumbles, "Hi, I 'm doing okay too."

I ask, "HEY! IS THAT RED BEANS AND RICE????? It looks like it came from cooking all day, slow and sweet in a crock pot, not a microwave?"

Old guy, Mike, says, "would you like some? Bowl's over there."

Sure enough, an oblong crock pot full of RB&R and sausage, 2 kinds.

Mike tells me to get some cornbread too. Says his wife had made that up for them. I'm telling you, glass plate, homemade cornbread muffins, covered in foil,,, a red velvet cake on a platter,,, the crock pot... OMG!!!

I stand there and dig in,,, the younger guy wipes sweat from his forehead (I didn't catch on fast enough,,,,) ,,, Barton says, "There's deer sausage in there along with the link.,,,,,,, you aint allergic to anything are ya?"

OH DEAR GAWD!! Good thing I am NOT allergic to anything!!! LOL I was half through the bowl!!! And it wasnt spicy,, not like Barton's sweating and eyes watering made it seem. Whew! Close call ;-)

I go make my drop, hook to an empty,,,, I was going back to the truck stop in Wesson to get dinner at the 24 hr diner,, now I am fed and happy. I asked Mike, "Sir? I saw that was your last bowl. Do you need some?? I have some in my truck and don't want to take your last one?"

He said he had more,, but "Would you like some of the Red Velvet cake too? c'mon back inside!"

Then Barton, Mike and I got to talking,, I said I recognized the RB& R from the 11 years at Ft.Polk, LA,,, where we are tonight is only 130 miles to New Orleans on I-55 south. Barton's brother served the same time we were there!!! I told him since we were in the band, we travelled the entire South on tour,,,, commands and all the festivals, everyone wants to appreciate the soldiers by feeding them,,,, thus the RB&R....

He said,"you want to appreciate a soldier? Feed them a hot meal." I said, "yes, if one is in line behind me??? I pay for them."

You know??? I just love the generosity and free spirit of Southerners... I told Mike to tell the "Missus thank you". He said "well, come for a homecooked meal anytime."

WOW!!! People just slay me with their openness,,, if you let them,, they will bless you!!!
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Blessed and a knowing of this making me smile,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Still Here and There

It's been a day or so since I have entered into the blog.  No real reason. Not over busy at work. Not any one thing I can pinpoint.  A myriad of Life Experiences.  Learning to be grateful for every turn in my roads. So fallible.  So human.

For a long time, I thought I was making progress in the equilibrium of the chaos of my life, health, relationships, P-P-F, spiritual walk, etc.

I'm still not ready to fully discuss what all happened the weekend of December 4, 2010 when I went to see Angel. I am still trying to weed out the blessings from among the thorns.  I was a TERRIBLE person... and it just breaks my heart. I can't do that again. EVER.

The up-side is that this weekend of Dec 11-12th was out of this world amazing!  Angel and I both have bittersweet gifts of forgiving, trusting souls.... and it stood us in good stead!  Then to share a part of our lives (church) with my brother, Michael???  Was just unspeakeable glory and abundant merciful grace.

Also, not able to share the details of this time either.

Matter of fact, not sure why I am writing here, this minute at all????  I have so many scraps of paper,, journal pages, notes began on the word processor, email drafts to myself, that I didn't even send TO ME.... I am bound up in knots in my words.

That is another sad thing,, I had been doing SO GOOD to let all the scars and wounds get healing air.... and I screwed up so bad that I am ashamed to even write it.

ALthough, it happened?? It just tears me apart.

I sat in my truck, for more than an hour today. Mesmerized, turning my hands over, and over, and over.  Looking at the scars. Plenty to look at. Callouses, scars, disfigurements.

Of special note were the injuries 1 yr, 2 yrs, a decade old. How did they heal? At what point did infection or injury turn the corner to new tissue, stronger joints, bones, skin? I remember each step. Especially the March 2009 Dallas-born, crescent shaped scar where I had nine stitches, lost a piece of bone, and GOD grew a new joint UP to meet the knuckle line, and then GOD closed an infected, swollen, fevered, oozing wound that wouldn't even support stitches.

How did I get here? When did I lose control?
So,, there is a a damn dam in my spirit where only recently I had pulled my finger out of the dyke and the hell inside broke loose in a fury, a raging torrent of words,  and then formed to a more meaningful river,,,

now?  i am still here.  Still going there. 

One day,,, one breath,,,, one decision.... one at a time.

Janet M. Olsen
~J~

A Spirit of the Familiar

If I'm not careful, I notice lapsing into old habits of eating or of treating my body, thinking of comfortable (also some not -so- comfortable) relationships, old attitudes or ways of approaching and thinking of Life.

I wonder why? Is it less scary than the Unknown? Chances are, the old ways were not very fulfilling to my Life's Calling. There are some great things to glean from the Past. But I don't want the disappontments of weeds and vines to trip me holding me down.

While driving the night shift down to Miami for holiday Time Off, I noticed letting the radio dial linger on music that was familiar, but not anything that I enjoyed or could sing along with.Why did I tune in? Tolerating it?

Changing that dial is so simple, really.Getting in touch with my abundant Blessings is a choice I made a long time ago. Sadly, I get caught up living a dance to music that I don't even know or like. Foreign to me. Keeps me out of sorts. Another uncomfortable role for me.

Once upon a time, there was a tender-hearted, happy-go-lucky girl. She got caught up surviving Life. Time to find her and get back to who I am deep inside. Resurrect that part of a smoking flax in me that flickered, but didn't extinguish.

So, reaching up to tweak the controls on the FM dial- Familiar Mentality. Honing in on what's Authentic, Genuine, Personal and Inspiring.

Rewarded by Love, Laughter, Song, Dance and Adventure! Enjoyment for the Living NOW and hope for the Promising Future Growth as a Woman of Purpose!

Tuning in,
Jan M. Olsen
~ J~
Sent Urom my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

Perspective

It only takes something as simple as lunch and shopping with a friend to put things into perspective and fresh view. Due to my lifestyle and work schedule, my girl friend and I connect primarily with text messsages of 160 characters or less and a few emails. Neither of us like to talk on the phone.

In the year I have known her, our roles have morphed into something I feel ill-prepared to be for her. The first contact was made by me to her regarding a job opening. From that very first phone call, she has opened up to me and just pours her life and trials out in torrents.

 Before closing that initial call, I felt strongly led of the Spirit. I secured her email address which was used as a compassionate outreach and follow up. Connected her with Support tools and Educational materials to begin a Process of Personal Growth and improvements in  her health.

 The roles shifted again to where we are now.  I am directly facilitating and teaching her a curriculum out of a workshop series taken years ago that rocked my world. The distance again makes this challenging. To go to deep, raw places, and not be physically present is a gamble in my view. I can't even get to her if she goes into crisis.

She has deep seated emotional trauma wounds that she has developed safety mechanisms to get her through most of day to day life. Every now and then, she has a meltdown. Someone should be near.

While I have had some rough patches in my life, she has challenges that she continues to face with admirable strength, courage, and grace.

Yet, she sees her broken places. I see them too. I yearn for her healing. And realize the truths in common thoughts that we don't know how well we have it ourselves sometimes until we encounter those with even greater obstacles or injustices.

I see her beauty and her courageous outlook and am humbled that she looks up to me instead of in her own mirror.

Lovely time of fellowship and connection. Trusting that it will bridge the gaps our separate lives leave until we can meet again. Asking her questions, sharing my own recent discoveries, and a few hours of just being nearby, close enough to touch.

I am left to muse and will her Gifts FROM ME of the Go-forth to continue the fight for her own choices and freedoms.

Sending my dear friend my love and support,
Jan M. Olsen
~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile pho

Let Me Remember

When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not; but my faculties are decaying, now, & soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the latter. It is sad to go to pieces like this, but we all have to do it.

- original manuscript in the Mark Twain Papers as reprinted in Quotable Mark Twain by R. Kent Rasmussen
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The above quote was used in my favorite TV series. I watch archives online since I do not often have access to current programming.  I enjoy this show and watch several episodes at once.  I still believe that the Good Guys triumph :-) At least in Hollywood :-)

Even while relaxing, I am aware and with all my senses I am living today.  Riding with and experiencing every feeling.

A few minutes ago, Eric, the lead mechanic told me that he can not ever see me having a bad day. How odd of a thing for someone to say. It rains on the just and the unjust alike.  I explained that when dark times come,  I just don't choose to stay there very long.  I learn what I was brought to be endued with, and push to move through it, and on back into the light tantalizing just ahead.

If I made a list?  There is a horrific and atrocious column of the depravity and black, sinful nature of mankind.  Crimes I have committed, and many enacted out upon me.

Across from that list, is notations of the lessons I learned.  The skills I picked up. The way I encouraged myself and outgrew the injustices. 

It is a mindset.  I REFUSE to be a "victim" or a "survivor".

  Nay, I am an OVERCOMER and triumphant, having waged war with the good and the evil that fluctuate around me from birth to death, and coming out the other side loving, warm, breathing, forgiving, and ever-optimistic.  Looking for the inherent good in mankind.

If evil silences my song, extinguishes my light, muffles my hope? Then it wins.

 I am determined to sing, to dance, to beam as a lighthouse beacon, and to roar with Purpose and passion and desire!!!

Do you ever listen to the background soundtrack in a TV show or movie? Not the highlighted songs where the hero and damsel dance under the stars while fireworks twinkle overhead.  Rather the underlying mood-inducers.... the pulse, or tease, or race,, or throb,, or soothe,,, all stimulated by the sense of sound.  Leading the way in expectation,,, setting the transition,,,, bursting into exhultation... pining for a loss...

I hear that on a day to day basis all around me.  Everchanging. Always adapting. Moving to inner music, the outer influences, the chosen self-dialogue (yes, I answer myself too, lol).

If I am odd that I hear MUSIC in waking or sleeping moments? then let me stand out as EXTREMELY odd... I wouldn't trade my song for anything.

Nor will I let it be silenced, muted, or diminished.

In the oft-quoted wise  words of Abraham Lincoln: "Whatever you are, be a good one."

So, Eric, what do you think about me now? Why do you like me above other drivers? It's not a relationship thing, in the usual man-woman way....  I am in your path to show you how to look up and out,, and past the darkness.  If I was sent here to show you how to light the way for yourself? Then let me deliver that message.

Because, yes, friend, I do have bad days. Or portions of them anyway.  It is how I conduct myself in trial or adversity, and how I treat others, and how I finish that will be the measure of this woman.

I take your observation as a compliment  Also a solemn charge to continue being a light, a ray, to radiating love and joy,,,, for I AM being watched and therefore held accountable. To whom much is given, much is required.

It is my joy to serve, to give, to teach, to lead, to inspire, to encourage, to empathize, to have faith in my fellows.

May I never forget my Calling.  One day, may I submit my own stubborn self-will fully and follow that passion that burns in my chest and mind. That lights my eyes with blazing sparkle and bounces my my step, when my body hurts like hell and is weary from this life.  I am set apart, different, and I accept that. Live well inside of this charge to bless the world milling around me. I may be overlooked in matters of my own heart, passed by for relationship of my own... but I touch many lives, daily.

 OH! To bring them relief and to help them find their way!!!!

And when I wonder why this life just goes on and on? Please, send me an Eric or Dora etc to say something that sounds superficial, but that rings true on the tuning fork in my innermost spirit and intricate working of my mind.

Let me remember why I am here. Why I have endured so much abuse. Why I have run the gamut of hurts. Why I have loved and lost.

Let me reach out with the Compassion, the Love, and the Lessons learned in the crucible of life.

Remind me, when the pain gets seemingly unbearable.... that someone is watching me, following my footsteps, observing my actions and path.

First, let me do no harm.

Please, let me REMEMBER.

Thankful for the reminder,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Well, certainly memory is a curious machine and strangely capricious. It has no order, it has no system, it has no notion of values, it is always throwing away gold and hoarding rubbish. Out of that dim old time I have recalled that swarm of wholly trifling facts with case and precision, yet to save my life I can't get back my mathematics. It vexes me, yet I am aware that everybody's memory is like that, and that therefore I have no right to complain.

- "Three Thousand Years among the Microbes"

I'm Here, Anywhere But There

Well, uneventful flights. Supposedly 48 degrees here in denver. I shucked my jacket immediately from the hustling bustle to navigate a maze of an airport. Felt like the mouse Algernon. I should buy myself flowers, though, because I did it!

First sight that was independantly my own, not the terminal or shuttle, or rental agencies, but rather the first view outside, in the fresh air (THANK YOU LORD FOR OUTDOORS!!!)...was a rainbow! Everyone knows, there"s promise and rest from a rainbow! Encouraged, by what a harried local may have missed, I soaked in like an arid desert bloom.

Immed bought a bottle of water and chugged it! My BP iss high, my pain is screaming for my attention, my cold is moving up and out my ears and throat Water!! TYJ for WATER to drink!!!

About to enter Denver at their Friday, 5 o'clock dash! In a car! How cool is that?! An invitation timed just when I was feeling a bit overwhelmed, to join my daughter at her work. An answer to a preference, I will get to greet her one on one, without the baby as her shield. I'm tired, but this is what i came to do!

Still 30 min later, sitting in an exhorbitant $ rental car, taking deep breaths and reminding myself of the mercies, grace, and favor of God that brought me to this second ofg Time in my life. I set a goal, I prayed for direction, provision, God's will, and timing.....and here I am.

Open arms, mind and heart to receive the fruit of years of labor. It's right here.

Thanks for joining me as I ride,
Jan M.Olsen
~ J ~
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

Is There Any Calgon In That Suitcase? Please, Take Me Away!

Listening to: "In The Arms Of The Angels" Sarah McLaughlin,,,and "Wild Thing" Tone Loc... kinda alllll over the place, dontcha think??  UGH!!!!

Been a very busy last few days.Alot of decisions to make.When it came right down to it?

 I chose to live my life among the living. 

I am going through with my plans to go see Alisha and my grandson.  Jeremiah turned 7 months old today, and I will get to meet the little dude for the first time in just a few short hours from right now, mark time, MARCH!

I am a list-maker.  So,, all this uncertainty,, all this hotwire, expedia, priceline, orbitz, direct websites and 1-800 numbers is giving me a colossal headache!!  Where you shave a penny here, it cost you a nickel in the fine print!!  I finally sat down just a few minutes ago, determined to not get up until I had a rental car reserved!!!!!!!   Aiyiyiyiyi YI YI YI!!

   Angel, I have joined you among the procrastinator ranks this time, Baby!  And btw,, i am uncomfortable with every second of it,, so,, don't look to pull me down into YOUR bucket, little Crab,, come up to the LIGHT!  Lol, j/k, love ya, Bugs!  Thanks for holding my arms up in battle, my little Warrior Dove!  The pay off is near at hand, my love!

Not much of a gal that gets out on vacation types very often?? I have no real idea how to navigate all those tools.  I decided to just go direct. That's what I did over a month ago when I bought my airline ticket from Southwest.

 It creeps me out to give my credit card number over the internet,, and let the fickle Finger Of Fate choose the merchant, location and ware for me!!  I opted for a slightly mid-size car,,, even though it will only be my daughter, the baby, and I?  And my suitcase??? this gives room for strollers, diaper bags,, and all the loot Jeremiah is about to score from his soft NanaJ - wry laugh!!!

I worked several days extra on this paycheck,, just so I CAN load his wagon!  It has been hard not to buy him gifts as I see them,, when I would have to pay shipping or luggage... sooooo,,, with supreme self-control, I am going to wait!  And take Momma and baby shopping together.

To be honest??? I don't even know what size he wears? What is his bedroom decorated like?  What does his mom and dad enjoy these days???

People??? I haven't even seen Alisha in THREE years...  from 18-21,,, I am sure she has changed.

I know I have :)

Then there's the small matter of where to sleep??? I want to just sleep in the car,, like I do my truck.  I think Pastor would not agree,,, as a matter of fact,, he counselled against it.  LOL. Tony, Alisha's husband,, will not let me in thier home.  So,,, any visiting will be done in a hotel, or out in town.  Reckon I will get a room...

In the words of the buzzards in Jungle Book, "Let's not start that again!!  Reservations??   PLEASE  my pea brain is maxxed out!!

I am just so grateful for this gift ,,, time and opportunity.  How wonderful the day when Alisha emailed me asking for my phone number.  I was training a new student, when we got stuck in New Mexico in a flash blizzard that closed I-40 for 4 days last January. Then THE CALL came in,, from a number I didnt recognize,, and a tearful, quivering voice on the other end, said, "Mommy?"

We cried that day, my girl and I,,, as I am crying now,, with washing tears of both relief and joy. 

I had faith that if I just waited for her,, and prayed,, and waited,,, and prayed,, and waited,,, that ONE day,,,

and it was worth it in the end to hear that ONE word - Mommy?

I had forgiven Alisha and Tony mere days after the split 3 years ago.

But I forgave myself with the mention of my name by my Happy Dancer.

OH!! What peace.... what release,,,,  what HOPE...

So here I am,,, under 24 hours from arriving in her town,, looking for a silly hotel to throw my money away to,,,,  not sure if I wil get to see her then?  If she will ask me to her job?  Or if we will first meet on Saturday?

I have a hope.... I need a few minutes with just Alisha,, without Jeremiah in her arms...  OMG I have got to hold her and look in her eyes and SEE and LET HER SEE my love,,,, I just have to!! It's been too long.

Then, throughout the weekend,, I need to be alone with Jeremiah,, just 5 minutes,, to annoint and pray over him, to give angels charge over him,, to instruct him to always love and honor and cherish both his mom and his dad forever.

So distracted at work today??? I ended up with THREE blue ink pens in my jeans back pocket and THREE pairs of sunglasses on my head!!! 

I slept 12 hours last night,, I could so easy go to bed right now,,, give in to the sad tears for my friend, the grateful tears for Angel, Alisha, Jeremiah and I ....  pray and just go to sleep.... I think a good sleep will be a GREAT start for this adventure!!!

I have less fever in my joints today.  It's been almost 3 weeks since I had those abominable injections and associated nausea.  No idea what my BP is,, but I can tell it is NOT at critical mass..

Instead, I am limp in heart and body.  Yawning with my mouth and my mind.

ii John v. 12- Having many things to write unto you, I would not write with paper and ink: but I trust to come unto you, and speak face to face, that our joy may be full.

Yearning, dreaming, thanking,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Ecclesiastes 3 The GRATITUDE- inducing verses highlighted in BLUE!

1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; (well HALLELUJAH FOR THESE TWO TIMES!!!))
5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.