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That blip on the photo is me - soaring, free falling, LIVING in the Moment with Gratitude.
Today is January 1, 2011. It has been for me for 10hr21minutes already. I enjoyed watching my International friends celebrate before the earth turned on its axis for it to be my turn to countdown. This year, a special treat to me was the fruition of several goals set long ago. The culminating moment? Was linked arm to arm, hand to hand, in prayer and fervent seeking with Brothers and Sisters at Pentecostals of Cooper City, Florida. As we prayed as family units, then for one another, and for ourselves, in agreement, my wonderful church family turned towards our countdown screen and shared that E-ching moment of each year's transition. 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1-HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
With song, laughter, dance, worship and exhortation we sought God as a unified body of believers both in the past year and moving forward into the new! This really was an answer to prayer, planning, sacrifice, and a desire of my heart to be here for this service. Happy and blessed.
I'm not going to write a year in review now. I have a photographic project that will speak volumes when I am done compiling it as the Spirit directs. I don't want to say what others have already said so much more eloquently and fervently before me in this past week leading up to the new year. But I do have a few words from MY heart to share. And here we go!
Philipians 3:13): I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, (14) I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
( I have not "apprehended" or attained all there is for me to know about life or myself, but I must look at RIGHT NOW and then reach for the Future with hope and trust.)
At first, the source of quotes that I am going to attribute will seem odd to anyone who has gotten to know me in the last 3-5 years. It will REALLY suprise the people I have connected with in the most recent few months. However, these are MY lessons that I have learned. And that source was an integral part of my life for the Season he was placed in my path. I had much to learn. Not all of it was to DUCK!
This person actually (and I am only just beginning to see it this way) was a part of my daily walk for a time because he was a vessel God used to exact work in the crucible where God had me. It was an understanding between God and I. Through Revelation and Vision, God had asked me years ago why I wasn't on the Potter's Wheel, and I had to admit that I had specifically taken myself off. Why? "So I could become something you could use. Something of worth. Of value. Then, God, I was coming back."
Ah, I had it all wrong. For a decade. 8-10 years is a long time to be at war within your Spirit! It carries burdens, regrets, pain that was never God's will for me at all. So, between God and I, we entered into a specific time of BROKENNESS where I had to fully submit to His creative powers and ultimate design for my life.
At times, the pressure seemed more than I could bear. Occasionally I grew impatient with the Process and tried to "fix me" on my own. So glad I serve an Eternal, all-loving God who has nothing but Time of the ages to knead and adjust me and my stinking attitudes.
The lessons I learned in this particular chapter covered 14 months of my life, and even longer if you count the "recovery" period which is still on on-going process. And no new revelations or anything scary here today. Rather, I am about to say things that brings me to humble, quiet, knowing and tears of gentle gratitude for the lesson.
JayJ, taught me to work hard, but to relax even harder. See? Not what you might be expecting. From our first handshake on introduction with the words exchange of "Hi, I'm agressive.""That's good. So am I." we entered into our business relationship with a single mindest - TO WIN! To be the TOP of our field (DM for him, Driver for me.)
As a working pair? We were AWESOME!!! He pushed me HARD, with his contacts, his knowledge and his efforts. I often felt growing pains as I had to build up stamina for driving as if my life depended on it, learn to fix things on my own if they broke down, time and money management.
Then, as I excelled, he didn't sit back and say "yeah that's good. Rest here." Nope!! The very next load assigment he pushed me HARDER. As two agressive, driven to succeed tenacious people? The see saw of learning, doing, learning, growing, expanding was constantly in pendulum effect!!!!
Then, when he had pounded into me like a mantra "450 miles a day Jan, or you will FAIL" (UGLY UGLY WORD in my vocabulary) and he had me staring at the odometer. A 750 mile day on Monday, did not excuse a 350 miles day on Tuesday. Not to either one of us. I had shown I had the POTENTIAL of a 750 mile Tuesday too.
So when JayJ ran out of resources on the logistics end? I often pushed back on him, and even learned to go around him, to pull down my own loads out of a magician's hat. In trucking, we do something called a "repower" or "relay". This is like a relay race, with the loaded trailer as the baton. If one driver is too slow, or too fast, the load may be relayed to another driver, and the first driver can either rest or pick up the pace in a new direction. I became known as the driver that made the Impossible happen! Inside Stevens logistics departments, if a load was in danger? Give it to Jan. She will come through! 24/7 I was the "GO TO GUY" and just being honest here, I LOVED IT! I EARNED IT!
I made Jay's Board look good! Stevens had 2,800 drivers, 700 Alliance drivers, and I was the top 2.85%.
What a team! An earning, developing, striving for excellence partnership JayJ and I had!!!!
Then came a day.... no new load, no repower, I was just early and had to sit waiting on another driver to arrive 8-10 hours later. "What do you mean? How can I do 450 miles today sitting still? Run in circle around the parking lot? Are you crazy!?"
After the 3rd or 4th text or email from me, JayJ bit back, "Oh GOD JAN!!! JUST RELAX!!! DAMN! GO SHOPPING OR SOMETHING!! I'M NOT GOING TO SEND YOU ANYTHING NEW UNTIL YOU CHILL OUT!!"
Gotta admit, this made me mad at the time. I huffed and I puffed and stomped to the outlet mall in Jeffersonville, Ohio,,, I was going to go into "A" store in a huff, and I was going to say "NOW! GET ME A LOAD!"
ahhhhh,,,, but God and his Lessons.....
As a single mom? I could not afford hamburger meat for the hamburger helper. I was inadequate as a provider or head of household. So it caused me angst to now be making thousands a week take home pay, and not have anyone to spend it on. Being low income also meant I didn't shop at the mall at the "name brand" stores, and had no idea what an outlet mall was. And I had guilt issues over spending any of my money now on things for myself.
Being at this outlet mall, instead of being an "AH YOU HAVE ARRIVED moment"? It was painful for me.
But, my natural curiousity and propensity for humor got the better of me. I saw a "Brooks and Brothers". Now, not having experience with name brands??? I read it as "Books and Brothers"... and in excitement I ran to that store first. Only to be sad when it was a men's clothing store. ROFL!!!
But, to my left or my right? Was Adidas, or Yankee Candle, or the golf store..... and one led to the next,,
I looked up,, and it was noon! and I had a few small shopping bags. I had bought JayJ gifts, I had bought Angel gifts,,, I had gone and let the lady at Lane Bryant measure me. I had even gone into the Adidas store and my treat to myself was in incredible high quality pair of tennis shoes which I just had to replace a month or so ago.... while at Adidas, I sponsored children in the "Right To Play" program, and became a source of financial assistance to kids who want to play soccer, but cannot afford the gear (my surrogate gift in Alisha's name).
I had lunch in the food court,, and walked around marvelling at the store list and doorways, and windows. I munched an ice cream cone.
Telling you this to make a point. JayJ insisted I RELAX. Stop and enjoy the moment! It wasn't anything I WANTED to do. But, amazingly, we built this into our business partnership from here out.
That afternoon?? JayJ sent me a repower load with exactly 450 miles that I could log by midnight. He smirked, "I told you so", and I took the lesson to heart.
So, back to work, grueling schedule between our efforts to keep my truck rolling and earning.
Another example, similar scenario, I now saw it coming. JayJ was building me a "day off whether I liked it or not". So, I chose where I shut the truck down. Boise, Idaho. I asked JayJ, "What shall I do?? Buy a bicycle and go touring these mountains? Tour the college campus? (OMG LOVELY!!!),,, go see Transformers 2 in IMAX???? GO to the wildlife retreat and stroll near the animals??? Go bowling?
WHAT JAY!?!?!? WHAT DO I DO TO "FILL" MY TIME OFF!?!??!
His reply, forever etched in my brain and ways of living today.... "Just go chill. Lay on your back somewhere and watch the birds play."
That afternoon, a fulfillment of a goal of mine, I bought the bicycle I had always wanted to use OTR as recreational exercise and personal conveyance. The dogs and I rode in the truck to the Boise River Park. Then we took the bicycle and rode it all around the college campus,, and on a trail winding in and out of the woods and river! I bought a sandwhich and apple,, and while the boys swam in the river? I ate a picnic lunch.
And lay on my back, watching the birds play.
All of this journalling today to bring me to the Present. I actually owe another friend or two my gratitude here. On their own, through their life by example, and their words and suggestions directly or indirectly, they have given me the BEST GIFTS of 2010 and my life to date. They helped me find my BREATH. Meditation. Quietness. And the superb blessing in BEING PRESENT right here, right now. Feeling, experiencing RIGHT NOW.
My growth to this point has me able and ready to see the Building Blocks that these unlikely pairings of sources are revealing. Another lesson? It really shouldn't be suprising me,,, maybe it will become less of a suprise, and more of and expectant awareness? But learning also the "CONNECTEDness we all share, if we realize and honor that.
Perhaps, JayJ and the trials and victories we went through as DM/Driver, and as Jay the man/ Jan the woman really were to my greater good?
If I am to a place, today, a gentle, forgiving Knowing... a loving Gratitude to God my Creator of ALLOWING me to know JayJ and to learn to CHILL JAN? Then perhaps it prepared me to hear "Pay attention to your breath, one thing at a time."
Building Blocks. Someone greater than I , all eternal had a plan and course for me all along.
He really did have his eye on the sparrow the whole time.
I've been on the mountain ledge for awhile now. Re-discovering my breath, my writing, my expression, my joy in the DANCE, my passions, my creativity, and my burdens for others. I will even venture to say here, I am "finding me".... who I am now, and who I was meant to be all along. Fearfully and wonderfully made.
Loving. So open to all possibilities. Cleansing, healing tears flowing as I SEE this and acknowledge the POWER here.
Ready to soar in new ways, with wings as eagles in 2011 and Beyond,
Grateful and peaceful,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
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