An Invitation To Celebrate A Birthday With Me

At the time I was arrested I had no idea it would turn into this. It was just a day like any other day. The only thing that made it significant was that the masses of the people joined in. ~Rosa Parks 

     Click this link to see info on a movie that needs to be made - Thunder Road

     Sometimes it is amusing to watch people advertise "It's my birthday all week! Look at ME!" Just as funny to me are the casual social media "Hi Happy Birthday greetings" on your page from people that you haven't seen in 20 years and that will not talk to you again for the next 365 days. The commercialism and emphasis on holidays in general has me a bit jaded to the point where I am quite the Scrooge.  Every now and then, someone I truly care about, and interact with throughout the year will tweak a text or FB cheery greeting from me, but by and large? I have kept my birthday off the records for the past 13 years on purpose.


     This year, on my birthday, I have the opportunity through my OTR job to travel towards Boston, Massachusetts and will be in the vicinity of a Thunder Road event!! I will be sending my energy and blessings towards them. See the event here --->> http://www.bostonglobe.com/insiders

     I have Facebook, Twitter, email, text and in person followers from many walks of life and we met in such a wonderful bouquet of ways spanning our lifetimes. I got on FB in June 2008   to follow Pastor Hattabaugh and YOM '08 as they went to Peru. I had no idea 5 years later, I would be interacting, entertaining, and connecting with over 400 friends, family and people I genuinely care about! THANK YOU! 

     Some of you like to hear funny trucking stories, my dumb blonde goof ups,  or a Captain's Daily Log of life Over The Road. Often I get feedback from the photos that you feel as if you are travelling shotgun and enjoying the USA. From my side? I feel love, connection, accountability, and can stay grounded to who I have always been - - someone that lives to shine Light, share Joy, forward my service and financial means to others, and that loves God, family, friends, Country and all that I meet with my every fiber, every day. No strangers, just friends I haven't met yet.

     If you have tagged along for very long, you know I am not oblivious to Christmas or birthdays.  It's common for me to get a hotel room and then go buy and wrap gifts for the housekeeper's 4 kids and put them under the tree in the hotel lobby. Or to buy a meal for a senior, or a Veteran, a single parent several times a week.  I often tip 40% to my server, knowing they came to work for a reason and if I can bless them? I will do it. My very best friends and family receive random cards, flowers, gifts, poems and notes reminding them that I love them 365 days a year,,, not just on a birthday or holiday.

     HOWEVER!!!!  About three months ago, I decided to just let it be. I am STILL going to work my heart out on birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and all the other holidays that are often lonely and just another calendar day.  But I've learned from my friend, Mark, to let all things be possible. To enjoy what shows up, and to be fully Present, enjoying THAT moment. No other moment in Life will ever be exactly the same, so I will savor and experience ALL of the gift of Right Now.

     THIS YEAR, I DO WANT A GIFT 

FOR MY BIRTHDAY! 

Before you read another line of my blog post, 

please *STOP* 

click this link www.ThunderRoadFilm.com .  

• Watch the short video. 
• Read the information presented. 
• Look at the incentives offered on the right. 
• Go back to the top of the page and click the "DONATE NOW" button and give a gift from your heart. 
• Then please share this link on all of your social media sites and in emails, texts, and phone calls with your friends until the goal is met.
• Continue sharing, linking, Tweeting and promoting until the production goal is met!

      This is what I want to share with you, all my friends and family this year.  It means very much to me. By learning about "Thunder Road" and becoming a part of helping to spread the word of their fundraising campaign on Kickstarter,  I have been educated, awakened, inspired and motivated to serve the men and women that have protected America with their lives. 

     The few men and women choose to leave their comfort, home, and families to go fight for you and I, then they return home with serious physical, mental, and emotional needs that many are unaware or unconcerned about. The time is NOW to become educated, stirred up, and called to action ourselves to create CHANGE to minister to the Veterans of US and British military that suffer from PTSD or Traumatic Brain Injury.

Statistics: 22 veterans every day commit suicide, and 1 active duty soldier and Marine commit suicide. This is a growing epidemic we know as PTSD. 

     Here is another link that contains background information on the 3 men working so hard to bring about Change and a movie in production that will  shed light on the subject no one wants to hear because it makes them uncomfortable. It gives the facts, history and statistics of WHY this movie MUST BE made *NOW!  

 Click here for more background info --->>   Thunder Road - Who Are We?

     What does this movie and subject have to do with my August 2013 birthday?  I have a request. There is something you can do for me. You won't have to see me, call me  - - - I am asking that you click www.ThunderRoadFilm.com RIGHT NOW and after taking a look around the page? Make a pledge and then SHARE on Thunder Road with your friends, family and those that can join us to make a difference and to be a part of the Change.

     Connected on Facebook?

  Click https://www.facebook.com/ThunderRoadKickstarter to instantly view photos, videos, news articles, interviews and fellow citizens uniting together for this great need in this hour. Like their page! Connect with them.  Share the page on your Facebook.

     Connected on Twitter?  Find them @AstoriaFilmCo  and join the conversation. Share, Connect, and become a part of the Change!

      Every one of us can be a part of this great mission and bring change through education, knowledge and compassion to effect the future care and health of our soldiers and returning veterans.  On my birthday, I will be hitting the streets posting fliers, talking to people, emailing, texting, Tweeting and continuing to lobby for Thunder Road Kickstarter to reach its goal. 

     Please join me? 

     If you know me? You realize I would not be enthusiastic about anything with a "political agenda" 

     This movie will be more focused on education and compassion. Many will go away stirred and feeling a call to action simply by wanting to create a positive shift and Change in the way we treat our soldiers and veterans. 

     I will end as I began, with a quote from Rosa Parks.  Who knows the scope a life will have, when all is said and done? Much to be considered, the choices are up to me to tend to as lovingly as a gardener of miracles.  Curious where I will be in life one year from today?

Memories of our lives, of our works and our deeds will continue in others.~ Rosa Parks 

With much love and respect,

~Jan M. Olsen~
~J~

ii John v. 12

www.ThunderRoadFilm.com

A Gaze Into The Face Of God

          Recently I had a bittersweet visit with my daughter and two grandboys in Colorado.  Now, the family time, bonding, sharing was essential and beautiful.  It was an intervention visit though, and gives me mixed feelings.  Somewhere along this path, I have lost my words to write or express my personal reality.  This is a non-tangible injustice, and THIS I can focus my angst and frustrations upon with a vengeance.  I can be mad at myself and my frailties as a human, and give generously of  love, forgiveness and more love to those outside.  Right off the bat, I am not able to find much for which to be “grateful” in any way more meaningful than a surface platitude. This is so out of character for me, that this pain alone is stealing my joy and breath at times.

          At this moment I question “Why?!” in a most angry, and wounded way. It does not help to know that I join everyone along the way at some point. I try to convince myself that my questions are honest conversations between God and myself, and not representations of doubt or unbelief in my sovereign, just God.  Then again, what is my Truth right now?

          Anger is such a bitter root. It is so uncharacteristic of me to be angry more than a five minute temper.  Then to live in a space of anger and anxiety is sapping me, when truly, I am “needed” more now than ever.  At risk of “FAILING” to be of use to God, self, or others, I am in a pain and fire in my heart, soul, and spirit. At odds with myself, I am consumed with just getting by, no longer able to even visualize the bright future or the cloud of rain the size of a man’s hand.

I hurt.

          How dumb for me to hurt. How insensitive and arrogant.  This is crippling to me when others look to me to be the bringer of light or positive to a dark situation.  When does righteous anger and indignation turn to vindictive rant or vigilante justice? It is not up to me to judge a man or situation, merely to champion what is right, good, and pleasing to God.  I do not look good to myself toting a pitchfork and lantern of a witch hunt. Instead, I hurt inside for ALL involved.

          My tears are bitter and feel like fire. I cry them alone, in my most secret place. To share them would be to hinder, not to help another. Why would I be a stumbling block, instead of a hand to help raise someone to the Light? This goes against my every calling or hope in this life.

          There is an older, gentle song by a group named 4HIM titled simply “Why”.  Here are a few of the words to this ballad:

They say that into every life Some rain must fall
For the pain is no respector Of the mighty or the small
But sometimes It just seems so Unfair
To see the One who’s had More than His share
Oh it makes you wonder why…

And Lord,  I wouldn’t second guess Your mighty plan
For I know You have a purpose That’s beyond the scope of man
If You look inside my heart You will find
That I have always been The Trusting kind
Oh but still I wonder

CHORUS
Why
Do the rainy days have to come
When the storm clouds hide the sun
I wanna know why
Why
When the reasons aren’t clear to me
When it all is a mystery
I want to know why
And though down here
I may not understand
I won’t let go
Of the Unseen hand
For It holds the reasons why

The Lord has never been afraid Of honest prayers
And He won’t allow the burden To be more than you can bear
When He knows that you’re trust Is in Him
He doesn’t mind the questionsNow and then
Even if you wonder….

Why.

            So, in a secret shame, I admit now to wondering “WHY”.  Why did mankind imbibe the Original sin, that cast the seeds onto us all? Why do murderers, rapists, abusers or thieves exist, much less go free to TAKE from another? Why does sickness such as cancer or dementia run rampant? Why death? Why harm to others?  Why the innocent, God? Huh? Why?!

          I KNOW it is not up to me to question God, or to judge. Overall, my personality is of a lover, not a fighter. Of peace, not of dissention. Of hope, not of despair. Circumstances lately have me weary and asking honest questions of WHY.

          In a vulnerable moment, I will admit here that I have physical pain regularly that is unexplained and unchecked by modern medicine.  I have been the victim of abuse, and know many others also.  I live alone, partly by choice, partly because I do not see any other way.  This latest attack of WHY, though, stems from ordeals my two daughters are experiencing RIGHT NOW. Their privacy is tantamount. This blog is not about revealing their circumstances. I am merely Processing my own feeling, beliefs, and pain regarding the WHYs in Life.

          Blessed to spend ten days with my daughter and two grandsons, I had a very poignant moment.  The older boy, Jeremiah is almost 2 years old. He is precocious and smart. He does things calculated to get attention, be it negative or positive.  He is old enough to premeditate to a degree, to be sneaky, to tempt our good sense of humor.  Yet, he has been holding pure expression inward. So young. This is sad to me. When he became comfortable, and relaxed to being in a loving, caring, nurturing, SAFE environment, he became a babbling brook. He snuggles, he is generous, he is selfish as only a two year old can be , he is lively and amuzing.

         

          But it was a particular photograph I took of the younger boy, Terran that rocked me to my core.  I “verbalized” my inner thoughts briefly, and have been vexxed by them ever since.  Terran is almost 7 months old. Very slight of build, the pure skin and breath of the innocent child that merely cries when he is hungry, wet, scared or hurt. 

Terran does not (yet) seem to know how to manipulate to get his “way”.  He lives to smile, chew, sleep, and reach out to touch you.  It was in a moment captured on digital image, that I saw the face of God…. I saw the potential mankind has. And I realized, that this is one of the last moments of his innocence.  Soon, he will adapt and surround himself with survival and vie for  position in our world of “ME FIRST”.  That may perhaps be the last gentle image… before he becomes like every other person.

It’s likely that Life will toughen him up. This realization made me sad inside my core being.  Oh how I long for Life and God to generously allow us to retain our innocence, our gentleness, and our simple joy in the simple pleasures of touch, love, sustenance and light. Little Terran looked up at me with such awe, such love, such trust…. And does not know my feet of clay and how in some way, big or small, I will fail him along the way.

Funny how Life’s stressors can prompt reunions, reconnections, even reconciliations. I felt a need to reach out to assemble prayer warriors, strong arm champions, and a wide range of people to complement each other to bring a balance of perspective, talents, resources into my recent “crisis”.  Maybe the world did not need more marshmellows in the Justice department like me. Maybe it needs less of the bitter and the fervent retalitory soldiers of self-named Right and Wrong.  Prayer and a return to the Basics seemed to be in order. And reminding first myself, then Others to practice Love- Gratitude- Forgiveness even when faced by a night so black it hurts.

In this moment, a few people asked me questions I found to be odd. They asked how I am holding up, how I am taking things, how and I doing?  My answer is swift and sure, and I mean it with all of my heart. I have FAITH in GOD to be just, and real, and soveriegn.

But inside, when the babies are fed, clean, snuggled and loved into bed….. and when my girl collapses exhausted in a heap on the bare carpet, with her shoes still on,,,, or when she breaks and pours the tears that are such a proven vital part of the Process…..  I am angry, I am hurting, I am asking WHY,Dammit, WHY!!!

This makes me cry to admit it in print. Can you only imagine the angst it causes me as I stand humbled and broken before God?  The choking and drowning sensations of not knowing what do I REALLY believe in after all?

I want to have the Right Answers. I want to be of great help and service. I want justice to prevail, in God’s complete understanding of the FINAL, ETERNAL outcomes.

I just want release and respite.  I know I am not alone, when the hard times come. People go through mountains and valleys all the time.  Like I told my daughter in a conversation about my divorce over a decade ago, “It did not help me to hear “I know how you feel. I’ve been there”. I did not want ANYONE to feel the pain I feel.  I am also not alone because friends, family and loved ones rally in all the ways unique to people with finances, suggestions, prayers, advice…. Talking to a second cousin on the phone who is close in age to my own children drove this point home. We are truly all connected. Not one of us is alone.  We are all valid and unique. We respond and offer ourselves in myriads of ways, often depending upon the stage of the Process we are in.

What am I blessed or grateful for in this recent “trial”?  That my daughter and I reuinited in October 2010 and the groundwork was laid ahead of time for our joining forces to overcome adversity now.  I am grateful nothing is as bad as it seems or as it could be. I am blessed to know spiritually that God is at work on very INDIVIDUAL basis and he has a Plan and Purpose for EVERYTHING if we will let Him work and BE GOD. I am grateful for resources of time, money, presence and history to be available to be there by my daughter’s side at a very critical juncture of her life.

Each of us will stand at a crossroads of decision at some point in our life. How we cope, how we respond, how we trust in God is our own individual Journey of Faith, Hope, and Amazing Grace. For now, this evening after I have returned to work to face frustrations there and my sadness to leave my loved ones for another chapter, I am processing. I am not very gentle with myself. And OH GOD! I hurt inside with anger and indignation and I feel so inadequate and alone.

  I am mad at God, at certain people, and at my own shortcomings!  But I am going to bow down and give these honest feelings and questions of WHY to God. I will have every intention of placing myself fully on the altar and of surrendering me – the need to control.  The need to KNOW and the need that is inherent within me to FIX or HELP.  Those last few were never my gift to give – they are a God trait. Who knows, I may get peace soon.

God knows. He knows the reason WHY.

I am including a You Tube link to 4 Him and their song “Why”. Enjoy. If you feel led to pray for us  reach out to me or to someone God places on your heart, I humbly ask you to obey.  Be slow to anger, slow to judge, and quick to offer love, mercy, and a hand to connect someone to God.

http://youtu.be/baRHkrw10uY

((In my own stubborn desire to yell YOP and be heard? I am not going to scroll up to edit or proofread this blog.  My thoughts are mine for this space in Time. The grammar can be overlooked, if you know that I have the best at my core being.))


Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Things That Fill My Cup

As the 2011 holiday season approaches, I look at where I have been in years past. Glean the lessons contained in the Journey, and pray that going forward, I walk in grace and new life. 

Reminded of a  song "Another Try", it says:


All the things I've felt and never shared
All the times that she was lonely with me there
Tears I wouldn't let fall from my eyes
And how I let her go without a fight
The reasons I'm alone, I know by heart
But I don't wanna spend forever in the dark
I swear next time I'll hang on for dear life
If love ever gives me another try
There's no changing things that we regret
The best that we can hope for is one more chance.

This past year has shown me that there is love in many forms, many surprises, many chances. Close or extended family, old friends, new friends, those you let in and choose to spend time with, those that spend time with you.....  it has been a welcome lesson to learn to let love BE, in all its ways of showing up. I learned this year that "angels walk the earth as women and men".

As the normal has it, I spend the Thanksgiving holiday on my own. It's different this year, because there's a  Knowing that there are many blessings around me, through me, and in me. 

I've been alone a long time though, and the reasons why, I do know by heart.  I don't want to stay there, instead, it is worth the wait and worth the work to give Life in all its offerings "Another Try".

My gratitude list for this holiday season is triumphed in this old blog entry, included below. It also is in the right here, right now, with the new men and women that have joined along in the Journey since I first wrote in May.

Giving life,and the people in it Another Try.
With courage and hope,
~J~
==================================================================

Sunday, May 22, 2011

WOW!!! I have to say that again, WOW!!

Earlier this week, I received a very gracious invitation to drop by into a friend's Florida vacation and family get- together. I promptly used my word prowess to convince work that I needed the weekend off duty for a "family reunion". Truth :)


As a truck driver, miles to a destination are relative. Some I get paid to perform. Some I pay to execute. My excitement affects my overall mood. This weekend, I enjoyed a bonanza of reunions from the full out surprise, to the carefully established. I stayed with my best friend Friday, Saturday and today, but only got to sit down to share a meal and fellowship today. She was out of town all weekend herself, giving me free rein of her home. That's love.


At least one of each - the friend I saw 2 weeks ago. The friends I saw sometime so far this year. The friends I saw 10 years ago. The friends I saw 25 years ago. The family I had yet to meet. The internet connection I nurtured 5 years and finally met in person today.


Blessed with free lodging and respite, I based out these visits out of Osceola County. My friends and their families were primarily in Polk and Lake Counties. From laughter that hurt my sides and made my face red, to those precious moments that catch your breath and skip your heart's beat, to the body's overflow of a teardrop's course, I travelled 600 miles IN MY CAR in 3 days to too many loving arms to mention.


Over 300 miles in my truck on Friday, and 700 miles coming up in my semi on Monday. Whew, a bit daunting.


I go from solitude in my truck, to two weekends in a row of full out LOVE and embraces. I am a bit soggy and squishy in the love department right now. Like sleep hours, do you ever wish you could bank the hugs up for a starless night?


Ever notice? People want to bless you. One of the first things they think of is to feed you. And trust me, home cooked meals, fellowship, and camaraderie are gifts! But to see as many friends as I did in the past three days? It felt like a Progressive dinner. Everyone wants to feed me, and feels offended if you just ate. LOL.

 People are just sweet like that. And it comes in waves, and very grateful for every presentation of Life's generousities. The dry and lonely periods are just as certain as the open arms moments. That is just the give and take of Life. In my Dad's wisdom, "Some days are just better'n others."

Sunday night after the Grand Finale seafood dinner with my best friend and her 12 year old daughter, Morgan, I decided I would get more bang for my hours to drive home to Sunrise, FL and sleep in my truck tonight for a few hours before taking off to Birmingham, than if I tossed and fretted a few hours in the wonderful real bed at my BF house. This way, it is cooler driving (no car a/c), if I have car troubles, I have time to resolve them and not be late to work, and I think I can let my mental guard down at the end to REST better, knowing all I have to do is show up to work.


Sitting out by ponds, on patios and porches, by myself and with groups of people, extremely at ease and in my element, all five senses were innundated with the sensations of what one could only call "home". The crickets, owls, scented breezes, buzzing bugs, ebb and flow of conversations and of God- moments, cloud animals drifting, and Central Florida's omnipresent humidity just made the welcome of blanketing memories fill the tanks for the times ahead. Reminded of the oil lamps in the temples. Full, from the inside out, keep the lamps trimmed and burning.


Since many of the get togethers were of a "reunion" or meet and greet in nature, the same questions were asked over and over and over again. I could get tired of it. But, instead, I know that being a female truck driver holds a mystique, and it is my gift to the world to be able to put someone in the driver's seat to share my adventures and explorations. God gave me wings and wheels, I can pass it along. It is my joy to do so and I never weary of the questions and discoveries.


Last night though, surrounded in roomful of loving people, in a quiet moment where I was present, but it was not my turn to speak, I felt a peaceful knowing go through my marrow. No one asked me this one question all weekend, but I came away with a self-knowledge.


I am cool with me.


I am comfortable in my own skin.


I am WHOLE.


The recent years when I was unhappy or pressed down? That was the foreign land to me. My personal normal is to be ON FIRE for life and for God. To have been given multiple second chances? To have been demonstrated mercy and grace from God and his ambassadors here on the earthly realm? These love offerings fueled my resident fires.


At my lowest points in the past few years, I may have been nearly extiguished. A smoking flax He will not put out, nor will he break the tender, bruised reed. (paraphrased) But inside me smoldered my passions, my calling, the reason for it all!


To have been reborn and stirred anew is invigorating!


The days may be hot, but I am one cool lion. And I feel a serious R-O-A-R coming on. Lookout!


One provoked lamb,


Jan M. Olsen
~J


I tried to sum my heart's view point up on Facebook, but only those who were with me, get the full impact :


I love how we are all connected. Sometimes, there is a heart bond. It's alot like the warmth that family brings into your spirit. An acceptance and a Knowing. A place of safety, love, and stability. This can be from blood relations or those wonderful souls that graft you in. Being back in my hometown area of Polk County has been a flood of love and joy. My cup runneth over. So blessed.

First Love, A Refreshing Renewal

Many can remember their first crush, the first look upon "The One", or the first time they experienced the rush that comes with following your passion and doing whatever it is that moves you so deeply.  In church, we talk about a person's conversion experience and the giddy, clean afterglow as "First Love".

Sometimes, the days, years, LIFE go by and we look back to reminisce, "Whatever happened to my First Love for this.....?"   In the Bible, *in Revelation, it talks about the seven churches. The one that has always struck me is Ephesus.  They have all the right programs, ministry, songs, outreach, services.... but God has ought with them because they have grown lukewarm. They have lost the luster of First Love. (see footnote)

In my own life, I see many times this concept comes to play. My first love of reading, writing, learning. The first time I held a virgin baseball in my hand and fit my fingers around the stitches. The first time I stood on a stage or pulled up to a radio mike and passionately read my own writings for others.  My first glimpse of Brian in 7th grade.  The first time I put my trombone together, sprayed the slide, and buzzed a note. My first day  teaching in front of a classroom of kindergarteners eager to learn and play.

Funny, of all the people in and out of my life, only a handful stand out in the "First Love Wall of Fame". People that you know in that very instant that LIFE has just tilted on its axis and is spinning at hypersonic speeds. God has given you a gift, a chance, and the new person Journeys with you for minutes, or days, or years. When the time has come to go seperate ways, you have a heart full of memories and shared moments.

In the transportation field, my first time kick starting a motorcycle, rolling the throttle, or pushing the clutch and turning the key to a car, or as a commercial truck driver, the initial releasing of the brakes to begin to roll 18 wheels in harmonious motion stand out appropriately as milestones.  So does my first mountain descent, ice storm, view of the four changing seasons, and that new smell of a vehicle with 2 miles on the odometer.

Just this past weekend, though, I had the gift of taking a friend to church with me for his first visit to my local congregation.  His reaction reminded me of my driving students when I would take them to services across the USA.  One student, Vickie, made it inside the doors of the Granite Falls, Illinois  sanctuary only to lock her knees and freeze in the very back of the room.   I returned to guide her to a seat. Later, over dinner she told me she had been hit with a "wall of such love" and that moment she froze, she was telling herself over and over again, "breathe, Vickie! Don't pass out!  Breathe! C'mon, BREATHE!" During the weeks she rode with me in my semi, it became a common sight to see the glow of her flashlight, under the covers on the top bunk as she pored over the Bible I gave her.

It always made me have a catch in my heartbeat to wonder when did I lose my own first fervor? How long had it been since I was THAT hungry and thirsty to spend my every moment with the God I profess to love more than anything? Every time I took a new person, this lesson pressed in on me and stirred my passions anew. But then.... time passed. Life took a course change. Stuff happens. I have a habit of tucking and rolling with the flow that gets me through the hard times in Life. When I am honest with myself, tucking and rolling becomes such a normal response? I find myself complacent, immune, and just getting by day by day. 

I choose to be a dynamic person!  I choose LIFE abundantly!  I choose passion and fire in my every day interactions and efforts!

I give a thank you to my friend from this weekend. What a gift to later  be able to talk about shared experiences and to see the same room, same sounds, same people through very different perspectives.  The newcomers first blush of excitement, awe, and to see them a tad bit overwhelmed as they process all the sensory offerings of a vibrant, loving Pentecostal experience. When I am tenderized again, I look out to see how it must appear to someone new.

I also remember a similar moment of such awe and wonder. In a funny way, the comparison makes me laugh a bit extra. I grew up going with my Mom and brother to Lakeland, FL to watch Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus arrive on the train at the Lakeland Civic Center. Then we would go get lunch, and take in the first show under the Big Top, watching Gunther Gaebel Williams and the the wild cats!!!  For me, it was a gimme, my own children would have these opportunities as well.

Angel was 7 years old, Alisha was 4 years old. We bought our tickets, went inside, the kids skipping in anticipation at the drama a circus presence brings.

I will never, EVER forget,,, NEVER FORGET..... looking to my right to the seat next to me and seeing the "W-O-W", open-jawed WONDER and glisten in my four year old daughter's eyes.  She was not moving. She was not speaking words.  Her gaze was open and directed to the three rings of color, sounds, glitz and glamor.  It has been over 18 years since that moment, and even as I type the story here, tears well up in my eyes and the love, and onslaught of powerful AWE swells in my chest and I remember that moment of Ahhhhhh....  with my girls.

I do not compare a  visit to church with a trip to the circus, lol. But my friend's facial expression, the stillness in his frame, and his WOW this past weekend as he stood next to me as a visitor to a church that I attend 104 + times a year, every year..... Again, as I type to tell my views of that moment, tears clump in my  heart, throat, and eyes.

While I love sharing these moments of WONDER and newness with friends and family?

I ask myself, why do I not have this same AWE each and every time, especially in church? Especially in God's presence, as I seek Him in prayer and meditation? Where is my own FIRST LOVE and why have I waxxed complacent or  find myself taking God for granted? Why don't I have more questions, more answers, more desire today than ever before???

What a wonderful gift to see "First Love" again!  What a challenge to me to dust off the hamper of Life stuff, and to return to that perpetual place of "can't get enough of God" and all the fullness thereof.  For myself, I want to return to innocent trust in God and unadulterated adoration. I want to see the world, the people, the situations, the prayer opportunities through new, first timers eyes.

I want to be in AWE with God and Life again.

Refreshed,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

* referenced above:

King James Version (KJV)

Revelation 2
¹Unto the angel of the church of Ephesus write; These things saith he that holdeth the seven stars in his right hand, who walketh in the midst of the seven golden candlesticks;

²I know thy works, and thy labour, and thy patience, and how thou canst not bear them which are evil: and thou hast tried them which say they are apostles, and are not, and hast found them liars:

³And hast borne, and hast patience, and for my name's sake hast laboured, and hast not fainted.

⁴Nevertheless I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast left thy first love.

Crawl Before You Run

This past weekend God blessed me in an abundance.  At 11:26am, July 7, 2011 my youngest daughter, Alisha, gave birth to my second grandson, Terran Johnson.  They live in Pueblo, Colorado some 2,000 miles from where I park my car in South Florida.

From Alisha's high school graduation until some point of 2010 we were estranged.  There were years I did not know where she lived, how she was doing, or any communications at all.  In travelling with my job, I literally drove through her town and did not have an inkling we were within the same state.

2010 marked the beginnings of a season I named Reunion, Reconcilliation, Reconnection.  In October 2010, I was invited to fly to Colorado to meet my first grandson, Jeremiah.  He was already 7 months old at that time, and my daughter was 21 years old.

It has been said, do not judge another until you walk a mile in their shoes.  I choose not to judge at all.  I do not judge my daughter or her family.  I am learning to judge myself less.  I am blessed to be aware, to make choices, and to align myself with precious men and women of a like faith. I have assembled a list of warriors who do not judge me, rather they encourage, nurture, love and inspire me. Humbling progress in all aspects of my Journey, I am buzzing with enthusiasm with every beep of my heart.

Also, I come from a very fervent belief in God and his attributes.  It has only been in the past year, though, that I allowed the truths to extend to myself and radiate outward to others.  Things like love, gratitude, forgiveness.  I knew the words. I practiced them in a limited, case by case way.  I did not fully appreciate the literal meaning, nor did I live it in thought, word, or deed.  A lot of time has gone by, walking in a fog of pain and missed moments.  That time will not return to me, no matter how I dwell on it.  Today, however, is here and I embrace it.  Fully exploring and employing love, gratitude, and forgiveness, I choose to go ahead into the future with new optimism and creative purpose.

This recent trip to see my family in Colorado was amazing.  New births and new beginnings to be celebrated. Connecting dots with all my senses.  Exchanging hugs, sharing meals, heartwarming talks from deep within us,  my daughter and I  bonded again.


Wonderous gifts to be given, I was allowed the privilege of  dressing newborn infant Terran and wrapping him in a swaddling blanket, I placed him in his mother's arms to be nursed before going home, I was able to breathe his sweetness in during his FIRST 24 HOURS on this earth. I accompanied them in the elevator as they left the hospital and helped adjust the buckles securing his carseat for their ride home to his daddy and brother. Tender moments that only come once in a lifetime.


 Playing with 16 month old Jeremiah and enjoying his childhood developments made this NanaJ very happy and warm inside.  I think of it as going to the fuel pumps and turning the pump to *on*, setting the nozzle to run full speed, and leaving it in the tank until it clicks when capacity has been reached.  My "love tank" has received an infilling, for that I am so grateful.

Yet, I saw the new baby an estimated 4 hours, and Jeremiah perhaps 3 hours in a time period of 48 hours.  There is still progress to be made in reconcilliation with Alisha's husband.  The relationship with my daughter improves with every text, phone call, email, or visit, but it is a process that is unfolding over time and careful nurturing on all parts.

I have people in my corner that are offended by how little I was able to see my family. When you look at numbers? In black and white, the money and time resources spent to travel and visit do not have a reasonable return in the opposite column on the chart.

What is important to note? I AM BLESSED!  I AM GRATEFUL.  I SEE PROGRESS.  I EXCHANGE LOVE, GRATITUDE, AND FORGIVENESS IN A FLOW IN AND OUT OF ME.

So while I did not stay in their home, or spend full days inside of their world?  While we met at hospitals,  motels and resteraunts and had to go out to shop or hang out?  I very much consider this trip  a resounding success!  We made inroads into reconcilliation.  Alisha and I discussed potential offers for how her husband Tony and I might connect in the future.

I am asking my friends to not see this as time or money wasted. Do not be indignant on my behalf.  Celebrate progress with me.  Moments seized and enjoyed to their fullest, just as they presented themselves.

Jeremiah had to learn something important. Terran will follow in his time.  God will facilitate the future. The lesson to be gleaned here?  Is to crawl before walking.  Walk before running. 

From zero communication with this branch of my immediate family, to crawling by long distance communications, to walking long months between visits for a few hours of tank refilling, to possible future of running around for days I am very grateful and pleased to chart our progress.

For now? I am content to crawl and take tentaive steps. Every time we reach out, we let go of the edge and gain our balance, preparing for that next step. I am so blessed and so very, very grateful for this gift of opportunity.

Thank you to God for all source.  Thank you to my friends and family for support and prayers. Thank you to Alisha for sharing this chapter of life with your family. Thank you to me for working through the process and for being open to healing and new life of all kinds.

Pacing myself,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Exploring The Deeper Portions Of Connection

March 17, 2011, Thursday


Return from Pueblo to Florida

A quote from the book I picked up at a thrift store in Colorado Springs for twenty-five cents, has once again stirred my compassion and inspiration. It fits so well with this trip.

“…. A human thread now linked her to the life we all share. It is this connection we crave the most. But it is up to us to find the will to weave the first strand.” Deepak Chopra in “The Deeper Wound”.

Prior to the trip planning, I named these visits to connect with my youngest daughter Alisha and her immediate family in Pueblo as Reunion, Reconciliation, and Reconnection. They are chapters in the book that is ever being written between a minimum of four living generations of my direct family line. My parents, myself, my daughters, and now my grandchildren are living in a time of shift and of Change.

As individuals, ever in a constant state of flux, we adapt, we discard, and we tend to seek new comfort zones. We close out old, unprofitable relationships with people, places, things and we create new identities every day. When we are pure and honest in our intentions, these graft in the surrounding world to reflect the authentic self within each of us.

It is at times of diversity and of separation that we may feel less connected to others than usual. Humans created to be social beings, resist these shifts and may view them as losses to be grieved over. Perhaps we may fight to maintain the status quo in order to stay with what we know or perceive. It is in these experiences of trial and error that we grow. Yet, no matter how dark the circumstances seem to be? We remain interconnected to God and to one another. This tenuous thread of Connection is a lifeline buoying us to survive in seasons of growth with triumph and faith.

Today I admit candidly that I have experienced both sides in the past few years. Not one of us will be the same tomorrow that we are today. Speaking for myself, I choose to walk softly, to tread in gracious mercy, and to offer peace and my hand to lift up another in love, gratitude, and forgiveness. These personal awareness and growth moments produce inward thinking shifts that are manifesting outwardly as I began in the recent past days to reap the blessings of the truth “you attract what you radiate outward.”

When the tumultuous dissension occurred several years ago, many hearts, emotions and relationship threads were injured. I am not sure why God has chosen me to be the ambassador of goodwill and restoration? But I accept this role. I feel it to be directly in line with His will to fervently foster peace and hope between family, friends, and loved ones.

This carries a heavy sense of responsibility to seek the truth, to be the mediatior, and to nourish the basic blocks of integration of tolerance back into the daily patterns of my family. Alisha has tried to reach out to others, such as her Dad, but with diffident results. She asks me to contact my side of the family and her sister to relay updates and concerns. Alisha specifically works extremely hard at multiple jobs, and holds the role of daughter, wife, mother, and employee. If I can ease her burden a bit? I will do so gladly.

This trip to the gorgeous Rockies then was much more than a journal entry, a Kodak moment, or food for our bellies as we socialized. It was a foray deep into the Supernatural realm of restorative bridge building in relationships. One by one, slowly over time, we are tearing down walls of mistrust, pain, or injured memories. We are connected by blood in this instance. Thrilled to recognize all of this as so much more, we are connected infinitely by God and Universe. Giant strides to healthy relationships and hopes for future are occurring with every phone call, text, email, visit or physical touch in a hug or handshake.

Through perfect will of God, I have been guided to learning how to be deliberate in my breathing, in my choices, in my experiencing intimately of the full presence of every moment. To be aware of every sensation and thought right here, right now. I am grateful to many who have breathed life into dormant parts of my life. You know who you are and I cherish every instance and recognize the gifts apparent. God has used many voices, many people, many mediums, and a concerted effort to jolt me from my complacency and to stir healing in my uttermost places. He has been waiting to bestow new life more abundantly if I would just be aware.

My fervent question to each of you is “How may I serve you?” Please, let me be a helpful part today. If anyone has the courage to reach outside and touch the life of another? Let him ask for assistance. If he has extra, let him offer to share where he has a bounty so that it may further the health of a fellow? Both directions facilitate the cycle of giving and receiving. Don’t be shy. Let me lift you higher.

Simply thankful for all of the life I have been allowed to experience to date, and expectant with joyful anticipation for the next leg of the onward Journey. Connected with my friends, my family, my fellows travelers I am not alone or unassisted. This is truly a time when “angels walk the earth as women and men”.

Embracing our connection,

Jan M. Olsen

~J~

It's Really That Simple- Free Falling

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 That blip on the photo is me - soaring, free falling, LIVING in the Moment with Gratitude.

Today is January 1, 2011. It has been for me for 10hr21minutes already. I enjoyed watching my International friends celebrate before the earth turned on its axis for it to be my turn to countdown. This year, a special treat to me was the fruition of several goals set long ago. The culminating moment? Was linked arm to arm, hand to hand, in prayer and fervent seeking with Brothers and Sisters at Pentecostals of Cooper City, Florida.  As we prayed as family units, then for one another, and for ourselves, in agreement, my wonderful church family turned towards our countdown screen and shared that E-ching moment of each year's transition. 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1-HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! 

With song, laughter, dance, worship and exhortation we sought God as a unified body of believers both  in the past year and moving forward into the new!  This really was an answer to prayer, planning, sacrifice, and a desire of my heart to be here for this service. Happy and blessed.

I'm not going to write a year in review now. I have a photographic project that will speak volumes when I am done compiling it as the Spirit directs. I don't want to say what others have already said so much more eloquently and fervently before me in this past week leading up to the new year. But I do have a few words from MY heart to share. And here we go!

Philipians 3:13): I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, (14) I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
( I have not "apprehended" or attained all there is for me to know about life or myself, but I must look at RIGHT NOW and then reach for the Future with hope and trust.)

At first, the source of quotes that I am going to attribute will seem odd to anyone who has gotten to know me in the last 3-5 years. It will REALLY suprise the people I have connected with in the most recent few months.   However, these are MY lessons that I have learned. And that source was an integral part of my life for the Season he was placed in my path.  I had much to learn. Not all of it was to DUCK!

This person actually (and I am only just beginning to see it this way) was a part of my daily walk for a time because he was a vessel God used to exact work in the crucible where God had me.  It was an understanding between God and I.  Through Revelation and Vision, God had asked me years ago why I wasn't on the Potter's Wheel, and I had to admit that I had specifically taken myself off. Why? "So I could become something you could use. Something of worth. Of value. Then, God, I was coming back."

Ah, I had it all wrong. For a decade.  8-10 years is a long time to be at war within your Spirit!  It carries burdens, regrets, pain that was never God's will for me at all.  So, between God and I, we entered into a specific time of BROKENNESS where I had to fully submit to His creative powers and ultimate design for my life.

At times, the pressure seemed more than I could bear. Occasionally I grew impatient with the Process and tried to "fix me" on my own. So glad I serve an Eternal, all-loving God who has nothing but Time  of the ages to knead and adjust me and my stinking attitudes.

The lessons I learned in this particular chapter covered 14 months of my life, and even longer if you count the "recovery" period which is still on on-going process.  And no new revelations or anything scary here today. Rather, I am about to say things that brings me to humble, quiet, knowing and tears of gentle gratitude for the lesson.

 JayJ, taught me to work hard, but to relax even harder. See? Not what you might be expecting. From our first handshake on introduction with the words exchange of "Hi, I'm agressive.""That's good. So am I."  we entered into our business relationship with a single mindest - TO WIN! To be the TOP of our field   (DM for him, Driver for me.)

As a working pair? We were AWESOME!!!  He pushed me HARD, with his contacts, his knowledge and his efforts.  I often felt growing pains as I had to build up stamina for driving as if my life depended on it, learn to fix things on my own if they broke down, time and money management.

Then, as I excelled, he didn't sit back and say "yeah that's good. Rest here." Nope!! The very next load assigment he pushed me HARDER.  As two agressive, driven to succeed tenacious people? The see saw of learning, doing, learning, growing, expanding was constantly in pendulum effect!!!!

Then,  when he had pounded into me like a mantra "450 miles a day Jan, or you will FAIL" (UGLY UGLY WORD in my vocabulary) and he had me staring at the odometer.  A 750 mile day on Monday, did not excuse a 350 miles day on Tuesday. Not to either one of us.  I had shown I had the POTENTIAL of  a 750 mile Tuesday too.

So when JayJ ran out of resources on the logistics end? I often pushed back on him, and even learned to go around him, to pull down my own loads out of a magician's hat.  In trucking, we do something called a "repower" or "relay".  This is like a relay race, with the loaded trailer as the baton.  If one driver is too slow, or too fast, the load may be relayed to another driver, and the first driver can either rest or pick up the pace in a new direction.  I became known as the driver that made the Impossible happen!  Inside Stevens logistics departments, if a load was in danger? Give it to Jan. She will come through! 24/7 I was the "GO TO GUY" and just being honest here, I LOVED IT!  I EARNED IT!

I made Jay's Board look good!  Stevens had 2,800 drivers, 700 Alliance drivers, and I was the top 2.85%.

What a team!  An earning, developing, striving for excellence partnership JayJ and I had!!!! 

Then came a day.... no new load, no repower, I was just early and had to sit waiting on another driver to arrive 8-10 hours later. "What do you mean? How can I do 450 miles today sitting still? Run in circle around the parking lot? Are you crazy!?"

After the 3rd or 4th text or email from me, JayJ bit back, "Oh GOD JAN!!! JUST RELAX!!! DAMN!   GO SHOPPING OR SOMETHING!! I'M NOT GOING TO SEND YOU ANYTHING NEW UNTIL YOU CHILL OUT!!"

Gotta admit, this made me mad at the time.  I huffed and I puffed and stomped to the outlet mall in Jeffersonville, Ohio,,, I was going to go into "A" store in a huff, and I was going to say "NOW! GET ME A LOAD!"

ahhhhh,,,, but God and his Lessons.....

As a single mom? I could not afford hamburger meat for the hamburger helper. I was inadequate as a provider or head of household. So it caused me angst to now be making thousands a week take home pay, and not have anyone to spend it on.  Being low income also meant I didn't shop at the mall at the "name brand" stores, and had no idea what an outlet mall was.  And I had guilt issues over spending any of my money now on things for myself.

Being at this outlet mall, instead of being an "AH YOU HAVE ARRIVED moment"?  It was painful for me.

But, my natural curiousity and propensity for humor got the better of me.  I saw a "Brooks and Brothers". Now, not having experience with name brands??? I read it as "Books and Brothers"... and in excitement I ran to that store first. Only to be sad when it was a men's clothing store. ROFL!!! 

But, to my left or my right? Was Adidas, or Yankee Candle, or the golf store..... and one led to the next,,

I looked up,, and it was noon! and I had a few small shopping bags. I had bought JayJ gifts, I had bought Angel gifts,,, I had gone and let the lady at Lane Bryant measure me. I had even gone into the Adidas store and my treat to myself was in incredible high quality pair of tennis shoes which I just had to replace a month or so ago.... while at Adidas, I sponsored children in the "Right To Play" program, and became a source of financial assistance to kids who want to play soccer, but cannot afford the gear (my surrogate gift in Alisha's name).

I had lunch in the food court,, and walked around marvelling at the store list  and doorways, and windows. I munched an  ice cream cone.

Telling you this to make a point. JayJ insisted I RELAX. Stop and enjoy the moment!  It wasn't anything I WANTED to do. But, amazingly, we built this into our business partnership from here out. 

That afternoon??  JayJ sent me a repower load with exactly 450 miles that I could log by midnight.  He smirked, "I told you so", and I took the lesson to heart.

So, back to work, grueling schedule between our efforts to keep my truck rolling and earning.

Another example, similar scenario, I now saw it coming. JayJ was building me a "day off whether I liked it or not". So, I chose where I shut the truck down. Boise, Idaho.  I asked JayJ, "What shall I do?? Buy a bicycle and go touring these mountains? Tour the college campus? (OMG LOVELY!!!),,, go see Transformers 2 in IMAX????  GO to the wildlife retreat and stroll near the animals??? Go bowling?

WHAT JAY!?!?!?  WHAT DO I DO TO "FILL" MY TIME OFF!?!??!

His reply, forever etched in my brain and ways of living today.... "Just go chill. Lay on your back somewhere and watch the birds play."

That afternoon, a fulfillment of a goal of mine,  I bought the bicycle I had always wanted to use OTR as recreational exercise and personal conveyance. The dogs and I rode in the truck to the Boise River Park. Then we took the bicycle and rode it all around the college campus,, and on a trail winding in and out of the woods and river!  I bought a sandwhich and apple,, and while the boys swam in the river? I ate a picnic lunch.

And lay on my back, watching the birds play.

All of this journalling today to bring me to the Present.  I actually owe another friend or two my gratitude here. On their own, through their life by example, and their words and suggestions directly or indirectly, they have given me the BEST GIFTS of 2010 and my life to date.   They helped me find my BREATH. Meditation. Quietness. And the superb blessing in BEING PRESENT right here, right now. Feeling, experiencing RIGHT NOW.

My growth to this point has me able and ready to see the Building Blocks that these unlikely pairings of sources are revealing. Another lesson? It really shouldn't be suprising me,,, maybe it will become less of a suprise, and more of and expectant awareness?  But learning also the "CONNECTEDness we all share, if we realize and honor that.

Perhaps, JayJ and the trials and victories we went through as DM/Driver, and as Jay the man/ Jan the woman really were to my greater good?

If I am to a place, today, a gentle, forgiving Knowing... a loving Gratitude to God my Creator of ALLOWING me to know JayJ and to learn to CHILL JAN?  Then  perhaps it prepared me to hear "Pay attention to your breath, one thing at a time."

Building Blocks. Someone greater than I , all eternal had a plan and course for me all along.

He really did have his eye on the sparrow the whole time.

I've been on the mountain ledge for awhile now. Re-discovering my breath, my writing, my expression, my joy in the DANCE, my passions, my creativity, and my burdens for others.  I will even venture to say here, I am "finding me"....  who I am now, and who I was meant to be all along. Fearfully and wonderfully made.

Loving.  So open to all possibilities. Cleansing, healing tears flowing as I SEE this and acknowledge the POWER here.

Ready to soar in new ways, with wings as eagles in 2011 and Beyond,
Grateful and peaceful,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~