When Sunrise Turned Into sunset.....

Appalachian Sunrise 

The need to Process, free write, blow off steam, organize and sort is literally burning with a fire and heavy weight in my chest. The title is not a typo, as I know grammar very well. The lower case "S" in sunset is symbolic and will be revealed soon enough.

One thing that is beautiful in self-awareness, deliberate choice, and accountability is the similararity to God's grace to His children.  That is, if you fall down, screw up, lose your way? You CAN choose to dust off, realign and get back up on the horse that threw you.  Since 2010, I've learned there is freedom and power in my CHOICE and decisions.

There is a new countdown in the works. Some of my closest friends and family are already "In the Know". To some, I am hiding in plain sight and you still won't "get it". And to some, I am merely waiting until the "I could have had a V8 Moment" pops you on the forehead.

A few facts and the way they affect me on a daily basis - I have been single for most of the past 14 years. There were Chapters where I danced with a partner.... but by and large? On my own.  My girls grew up and became strong, independant and wonderful women.... finding their own wings in the world.  Freedom comes with a price ~

With my CDL-A in July 2007, I have had adventure, lessons, and opportunities that astound and humble me.  A high school drop out, fairly intelligent, drifting, curious, dynamic, I've driven my semi in all 48 states and Canada, get paid to travel, met new people and share Light along the way.

May 2010, I was blessed during May of Miracles at my home church, the Pentecostals Of Cooper City in south Florida with THREE commercial vehicle operator jobs in one day!! After consideration with my pastor, chose Heartland Express. May 2014 was my 4 year service anniversary and it is going stronger all the time!  So grateful!!!

By the August of 2010, my lease on my apartment in SoFL ran out, I made the decision that was right for me - put my household into storage and live solely off my semi truck. Low cost, fluid of movement, available to Life and what new adventures it might hold.

The truth is never far from my mind though - - - No job?  No semi??  No work??? NO HOME!!!

The part of me that still to this day CRAVES the stability of a home, family, partner... the nesting and nurturing part of the silly smiling girl inside of me? I am  stressed and worried every time I turn in my truck to take vacation, every time I make a mistake and fear for my job.... and it makes me stay, even if it's in a rut, a whole lot longer than I might,,, just because I KNOW what a blessing it is to have this roof over my head, climate control, modern features etc.

This next part comes from my heart. If I were to be in person and say it? Some people would "get it". Some would fluff it off. Some would argue. Some would work to meet me in the middle....  so here goes:  By choice, by design, and by lifestyle, I am solo. I live alone. Work alone. Have holiday, birthdays, anniversaries alone.  I play alone. I explore alone. I worship God alone....  and so on.

It has come to my notice that I have "text message" friendships.

Just in the past two days, I have had more PHONE CALLS, in person meetings over meals and long heart to heart conversations than I did the entire previous month or more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And in the past 2 weeks, I have seen more of my friends in person and spent quality time than I have in MONTHS.

This is a condition of my lifestyle.  It is a conscious choice. But it is also not really where I authentically want to be in my life.

In the recent phone chats, I told longtime, faithful friends another truth.  I drive 10-11 hours every shift. 500-600 miles a day. All weather, all terrain, all traffic, all times of year.

When I take official Time Off? The *LAST* thing I want to do is trade my semi truck for a car and drive 200 miles or more one way to have dinner with a friend, etc.

YES!  Sometimes I do just that!  And the blessings outweigh the sacrifice.

But can you see where that may not be very resting, or recharging?

I went from this...

   to this!

Each and every one of my friends, and strangers along my path are worth every second of the very most pure and best attention I can give them!! God has poured SOOOOOO much into me, and to whom much is given, much is required.

Look at it this way ---- when you first notice a tickle, or scratchy throat?  Or an ache, like a low fever.  What's the first thing you instinctively do?  You change your diet, fluid intake, start pumping up your Immune System, add water and rest, you wash more frequently to ward off disease, and try to back away from others to protect them and to minimize your exposure until you are Top Notch again.

Our bodies, God's Creation is so fearfully and wonderfully made!!!

The same Fight Or Flight is true energetically.

I could stop right there. That last line said it all.....  sit with it a minute.....

.... wait for it.....

.... breathe.....

Energetically, I tuck and roll.  I have had some of the very WORST mankind can throw at me. And some of the best. In every turn, God has taken my mess and made it into my Message. He's taken every test, and turned  it into my Testimony. He's taken everything the enemy meant to harm me, and turned it into my Greater Good.  And so, I roll back to my feet, dust off, hide behind blue eyes, grin and move on.

Deliberately.

I have what some people dream of - - -A job I love, a freedom, an income, a happy go lucky lifestyle....

With work? I am often physically exhausted. I get the privilege of working 70 hour weeks.  This overlaps day and night shifts in a constant, never ending roll.  I don't get to stop the truck to exercise, eat, rest, worship, or even just to walk a few minutes. I've been driving to my limits, pulling over, parking and never even getting out of the truck, I go lay down.  Wake up tired and in pain, and start the cycle again.  Why?! Yet, you gotta know? ???  I am aware how blessed to have a job at all, and to enjoy it, and make a substantial income  is a matter I am FULL of GRATITUDE and running over.

Upon realizing my friendships have become "text message" and impersonal?  Brief and random?  I also noticed something that weighs me down:  As a whole, people talk about what is WRONG in their world. They bust out with the negatives, the things that make them mad, sad, or uncomfortable.

Even though I am exceptionally sunny and optimistic as a person? It's all too easy to fall into the rut of imitating or commiserating. In other words, now I find myself talking about my aches, my pains, my stresses...  it comes out in conversations like this, "Oh yeah? You think that was bad? Let me tell you MY terrible experience. Trust me. Mine is worse than yours, so you should be grateful."

SAY WHAT?!?!?!

The Lion inside me just shook her head, yawned, extended her claws and gave out a healthy ROOOOOAR of indignation!!!!

JAN!!! STOP!!!!!  redirect!!!!!!!!!!!

I find myself so tired, so weary in body and spirit.  So drained emotionally and energetically.


So NOPE!  I don't want  to see anyone! Ever! I draw inside and think "more sleep, more work, more time alone" will fix me.

In reality, a piece of me dies inside.  A moment passes, and Time that I will never get back is *POOF!  Gone!  This grieves me....

... Time kept going while I flounder in a rut... my friends move on.... their circumstances ride the roller coaster.... and I've lost precious Time to show God's love. To be of service... to be God's hands, feet and voice,,, all while I have to work double time to reorganize my thoughts and attitudes.

Lately, I've told a few people that I trust,,, that I need to back up a bit. I need some "space" ((( sounds weird  - hello! You're by yourself!))).... I need a break....

The realization is this : I can and will remain available to listen, to be there, to understand if someone is struggling or riding out a rough patch. I can and will hug, hold your hand, look you in the eyes, and absorb the energy of tears, laughter and emotions....

 But I need to correct my attitude. I need to emotionally, physically, and spiritually recharge.  It's time to get alone with God and to purge all the anxiety, sadness and disarray... to give it all to Him again.

That's what I LOVE about God giving humans free will.  We can CHOOSE to look up, to seek Him, and to allow God to be in control..... we can also choose to stay in the negatives surrounding our external circumstances... but happily, we can CHOOSE liberty and dominion.


In seven days, actual Changes, shifts and new beginnings will become apparent. Ironically, some of you already know what's coming. Some of you will miss it, letting Change slip right past your notice. And some of you will wonder when the dust settles? "What just happened here, cuz I didn't see that coming." even though I'm hiding in plain sight, currently covered among the stuff.  Like Gideon of the Old Testament... there are big changes coming up. And God is grooming me, pruning me, and shaping my Destiny!

When the new Chapter starts to pen the next page of my life story? I will be an even better woman, a better servant, a better friend, and better family, and a better person..... for YOU and for myself.

When Sunrise turns into sunset it is time to roll on~

~J~
Jan M. Olsen

The Who

"Behind Blue Eyes"

No one knows what it's like

To be the bad man

To be the sad man

Behind blue eyes

No one knows what it's like

To be hated

To be fated

To telling only lies

But my dreams

They aren't as empty

As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely

My love is vengeance

That's never free

No one knows what it's like

To feel these feelings

Like I do

And I blame you

No one bites back as hard

On their anger

None of my pain and woe

Can show through

But my dreams

They aren't as empty

As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely

My love is vengeance

That's never free

When my fist clenches, crack it open

Before I use it and lose my cool

When I smile, tell me some bad news

Before I laugh and act like a fool

If I swallow anything evil

Put your finger down my throat

If I shiver, please give me a blanket

Keep me warm, let me wear your coat

No one knows what it's like

To be the bad man

To be the sad man

Behind blue eyes

The Butterfly Chaser's Letter

Today was a turning point for me! 

Have you ever been drawn to follow a bird, a butterfly, or the sounds of the woods until you are IN the forest?  The noises and movement that attracted you becomes eerily still. 

Do you wait, stand still, and simply breathe in and out?

Perhaps you BECOME a part of the forest, and one by one, nature entrusts you with her glory and she begins moving, breathing, singing again in and around you.

Today, I entrusted a friend of mine with a letter that was long in coming.  I began to "write" and all of the recent anxieties that grip my heart and throat poured out in a rush!  I wrote in a safe place, to a safe friend.  This reminds me some of prayers to God.  In my case, my personal cross that I bear and submit daily is my driving reliance on SELF - self-motivation, self-determination, self-provision, and so on. 

People like to mention the good things they see in me such as the Light (of God), my bounce and joy (of God) and my strength,,,, ut oh, too often that strength is "of Jan".  I end up bearing way more of the burden of this crazy life than I was ever designed to do.

My health, sleep, attitude, and spiritual life is drained by this SELF problem.

Funny, I didn't really write about SELF to my friend. He already knows me, and knows my issues and inner struggles.  No, today, I released the angst that bound me in knots lately. I told him at the end of the letter that I KNEW the weight was lifted, the chokehold burst!  Grateful!

I feel like today was a failure or shortcoming, when measured by own critical SELF barometer. I am an agressive and determined person, and as a driver, that is an asset.  Yet, today, I allowed personal weakness to stop me short of the goal.  I will make the same money on this trip whether it posts this week or next.  Usually, I rely on mySELF and I push through any physical, mental, emotional or spiritual pain.

Not today.

Instead, I parked 150 miles early, making it a grossly negligent short day on my job.  I felt led to get out of the truck to walk a bit.

That's when I heard IT!  The Siren call of the katydids in the wooded rest area!  Drawn further into the shadows, the songs of home in Central Florida and my youth rose and surged like the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir.  Only this time, it was God's Creation!   I stopped just in the path and took first one cleansing breath, then a second, then, closing my eyes, a third, and I BECAME a part of the chorus of breath and pure expression God offered.

I am seeing light ahead of me from a recent battle.  It has been detailed and threatened my loved ones and ways I know to move in Life with them.

As for the Butterfly Chaser in me?  I remember in Fall 2011, God gave me a gift of a paid, working trip from Florida, all up through New England during the peak of Autumn colors.  On I-77 as NC gave way to VA, Maurice and I were talking. This was early in our friendship.  I remember telling him "I chose to be very Present and very grateful for today and this trip. If you want to share my joy WITH me, then we can talk along my drive.  But if you have need to be negative or to pop my Happy Bubbles?  Then we need to hang up and catch later.....  we ended up talking later.

There is nothing wrong with either of our approach to a day or to Life.  Over our year, I have found we complement each other well and add texture to the facets that make us who we are. 

This is where I am in this very Present Moment.  Anyone can CHOOSE to get in my bubble and share the gratitude, love, and forgiveness I have towards Life and others,,,, or we can hang up for awhile and see if we reconnect along the way. 

You choose.

For now?  I am content at becoming ONE with God's creation and experiencing the fullness of his glory again.

Thank you for every prayer, every word, every thought, every shared moment. 

I am back.

I am LION, hear me ROAR!
~Janet M. Olsen
~Jan~

ps. as I closed this, another driver came up to me, inviting me to join him and his wife for prayer. PEOPLE- I am at a rest area in rural Tennessee! only GOD feeds the sparrows like that! Only GOD!!!

This Must Be My Writing Space

I had a great laugh out loud just now.  I had packed my duffle bag with dress and playtime clothes anticipating  the next 2 days off duty from my semi truck.  I am backed into a dock in one of the tightest receivers we frequent. I had sent texts to a handful of people to touch base to remind them I have not forgotten them or their faithful patience. I had conditioned and combed through my unruly, truck driver's bed head.   And then I plopped into the driver's seat.  I refreshed my web browser and had a WAVE of GRATITUDE come over me.  

It seems this location is prime Writing Space?  Once when I was here on December 29, 2010 a torrent of words fought to get typed in a coherent form and I spewed all of the "IT" that had been holding me bondage to dis-ease, unforgiveness, pain of heart and of body!  I wrote over 12 pages on a PDF and when I was wearily trying to find a cute ending?  I was so darned relieved to be free of the poison of "IT" that had sat so deep in my soul and gut all of my entire life!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I was speechless :)

Quick to recognize that GRATIUDE feeling, I had an urge to write again.  A follow-up of GRATITUDE for the recent battles. As quick as I could, I cued up this blog, and the USUAL happened here again.  Just as I crack my knuckles and sharpen my pencil to write? The receiver comes out to say I am done and I am free to leave.

WOW! 

See, this is a perfect example of things not being as hard or bad as they seem.  I dread this receiver for all the logistical hoops it takes just to get to the dock door.  It's to the point I will beg for a different load when I see this one pop up.  But once I just do it, and set the brake, backed up to the dock door? I always have the most beautiful of clarity and clear space rush through me.

It's like when you are practising yoga and in a sublime Kundalini experience, your Chakras all align suddenly. After the initial pop, and rush of clear fluid and slightly nauseating WHOOSH from utter dismay to peace?  Well, the room, the space around you, and the people you share the energy with all uniquely BREATHE in PEACE, HARMONY, and JOY.

Or in a prayer service, when you KNOW each of you have God in you, and you assemble together, that MOMENT when God's Shekinah glory just covers and infuses everyone present as you come into a place of "one mind, one accord" and God is free to move from among the stuff and shadows we humans carry like sacks of burdens.    You can smell His aroma, feel the warmth, see His light, and peace and Knowing floods your soul.

THAT is what I get when the inspiration to write settles on me like a mantle at this "writing space" in Pompano Beach.....

Now, I am ready to move on, and did not yet write the GRATITUDE stuff after all.  Big grin!  I am already feeling the let down of tension and the release of having said "IT" because I took time to BE Gratitude, to FEEL Gratitude, and to ALLOW Gratitude.

This time, I talked to Alisha by text message and to my special friend who is many, many miles and time zones away.  And they let me tell of my Grateful Mood,, and they both had sincere  FLOODS of clarity, inspiration, and Gratitude also.  I am smiling as  we built a triad of East coast, Heartland states of Indianna, and of the Rocky Mountain.... three hours on the clock,  three heartbeats, ONE MESSAGE!  Hopeful GRATITUDE!!!

From my last blog questioning WHY of God, to today, so many GOOD shifts for so many I am intimately involved with.   Nanci is rocking the state of Florida's education System. Angel and Aaron spent a precious surprise weekday visit with me. Angel got great news from the doctor regarding her knee injury and a new plan of action.  My special friend has had hope and inspiration breathed into his situations. Alisha has gotten moved into her new apartment, is safe, and is establishing a routine and consistent experience of SUCCESSFUL moments in her new life as a single mom and warrior. 


When I was down, I surrounded myself with people I trusted to have my back. They had empathy, compassion, and a ready hand or ear to hear.  We covered the 24 hour clock by exhorting one another to hang in there, try this, hold on!!! 

And the new week is smoothing out to a tolerable rumble.

Now that I am on the swing of emerging from that down funk and period of self-doubt, once again, God provides me with the miraculous by sending my special friends, family and loved ones to parade their joys and triumphs as well.

I am just so GRATEFUL!

For now, I have a 3 star, luxury hotel that I paid less than 40% of the normal rate to enjoy beckoning me. I missed church this morning, but I have the opportunity to enjoy God's creation now, and freshen up in time for service with POCC tonight.
 

My semi is parked, bags packed, heart and mind renewed and I am inspired again.

Writing and listening to my Inspirationators.

Jan M. Olsen

~J~

II John v. 12

A Gaze Into The Face Of God

          Recently I had a bittersweet visit with my daughter and two grandboys in Colorado.  Now, the family time, bonding, sharing was essential and beautiful.  It was an intervention visit though, and gives me mixed feelings.  Somewhere along this path, I have lost my words to write or express my personal reality.  This is a non-tangible injustice, and THIS I can focus my angst and frustrations upon with a vengeance.  I can be mad at myself and my frailties as a human, and give generously of  love, forgiveness and more love to those outside.  Right off the bat, I am not able to find much for which to be “grateful” in any way more meaningful than a surface platitude. This is so out of character for me, that this pain alone is stealing my joy and breath at times.

          At this moment I question “Why?!” in a most angry, and wounded way. It does not help to know that I join everyone along the way at some point. I try to convince myself that my questions are honest conversations between God and myself, and not representations of doubt or unbelief in my sovereign, just God.  Then again, what is my Truth right now?

          Anger is such a bitter root. It is so uncharacteristic of me to be angry more than a five minute temper.  Then to live in a space of anger and anxiety is sapping me, when truly, I am “needed” more now than ever.  At risk of “FAILING” to be of use to God, self, or others, I am in a pain and fire in my heart, soul, and spirit. At odds with myself, I am consumed with just getting by, no longer able to even visualize the bright future or the cloud of rain the size of a man’s hand.

I hurt.

          How dumb for me to hurt. How insensitive and arrogant.  This is crippling to me when others look to me to be the bringer of light or positive to a dark situation.  When does righteous anger and indignation turn to vindictive rant or vigilante justice? It is not up to me to judge a man or situation, merely to champion what is right, good, and pleasing to God.  I do not look good to myself toting a pitchfork and lantern of a witch hunt. Instead, I hurt inside for ALL involved.

          My tears are bitter and feel like fire. I cry them alone, in my most secret place. To share them would be to hinder, not to help another. Why would I be a stumbling block, instead of a hand to help raise someone to the Light? This goes against my every calling or hope in this life.

          There is an older, gentle song by a group named 4HIM titled simply “Why”.  Here are a few of the words to this ballad:

They say that into every life Some rain must fall
For the pain is no respector Of the mighty or the small
But sometimes It just seems so Unfair
To see the One who’s had More than His share
Oh it makes you wonder why…

And Lord,  I wouldn’t second guess Your mighty plan
For I know You have a purpose That’s beyond the scope of man
If You look inside my heart You will find
That I have always been The Trusting kind
Oh but still I wonder

CHORUS
Why
Do the rainy days have to come
When the storm clouds hide the sun
I wanna know why
Why
When the reasons aren’t clear to me
When it all is a mystery
I want to know why
And though down here
I may not understand
I won’t let go
Of the Unseen hand
For It holds the reasons why

The Lord has never been afraid Of honest prayers
And He won’t allow the burden To be more than you can bear
When He knows that you’re trust Is in Him
He doesn’t mind the questionsNow and then
Even if you wonder….

Why.

            So, in a secret shame, I admit now to wondering “WHY”.  Why did mankind imbibe the Original sin, that cast the seeds onto us all? Why do murderers, rapists, abusers or thieves exist, much less go free to TAKE from another? Why does sickness such as cancer or dementia run rampant? Why death? Why harm to others?  Why the innocent, God? Huh? Why?!

          I KNOW it is not up to me to question God, or to judge. Overall, my personality is of a lover, not a fighter. Of peace, not of dissention. Of hope, not of despair. Circumstances lately have me weary and asking honest questions of WHY.

          In a vulnerable moment, I will admit here that I have physical pain regularly that is unexplained and unchecked by modern medicine.  I have been the victim of abuse, and know many others also.  I live alone, partly by choice, partly because I do not see any other way.  This latest attack of WHY, though, stems from ordeals my two daughters are experiencing RIGHT NOW. Their privacy is tantamount. This blog is not about revealing their circumstances. I am merely Processing my own feeling, beliefs, and pain regarding the WHYs in Life.

          Blessed to spend ten days with my daughter and two grandsons, I had a very poignant moment.  The older boy, Jeremiah is almost 2 years old. He is precocious and smart. He does things calculated to get attention, be it negative or positive.  He is old enough to premeditate to a degree, to be sneaky, to tempt our good sense of humor.  Yet, he has been holding pure expression inward. So young. This is sad to me. When he became comfortable, and relaxed to being in a loving, caring, nurturing, SAFE environment, he became a babbling brook. He snuggles, he is generous, he is selfish as only a two year old can be , he is lively and amuzing.

         

          But it was a particular photograph I took of the younger boy, Terran that rocked me to my core.  I “verbalized” my inner thoughts briefly, and have been vexxed by them ever since.  Terran is almost 7 months old. Very slight of build, the pure skin and breath of the innocent child that merely cries when he is hungry, wet, scared or hurt. 

Terran does not (yet) seem to know how to manipulate to get his “way”.  He lives to smile, chew, sleep, and reach out to touch you.  It was in a moment captured on digital image, that I saw the face of God…. I saw the potential mankind has. And I realized, that this is one of the last moments of his innocence.  Soon, he will adapt and surround himself with survival and vie for  position in our world of “ME FIRST”.  That may perhaps be the last gentle image… before he becomes like every other person.

It’s likely that Life will toughen him up. This realization made me sad inside my core being.  Oh how I long for Life and God to generously allow us to retain our innocence, our gentleness, and our simple joy in the simple pleasures of touch, love, sustenance and light. Little Terran looked up at me with such awe, such love, such trust…. And does not know my feet of clay and how in some way, big or small, I will fail him along the way.

Funny how Life’s stressors can prompt reunions, reconnections, even reconciliations. I felt a need to reach out to assemble prayer warriors, strong arm champions, and a wide range of people to complement each other to bring a balance of perspective, talents, resources into my recent “crisis”.  Maybe the world did not need more marshmellows in the Justice department like me. Maybe it needs less of the bitter and the fervent retalitory soldiers of self-named Right and Wrong.  Prayer and a return to the Basics seemed to be in order. And reminding first myself, then Others to practice Love- Gratitude- Forgiveness even when faced by a night so black it hurts.

In this moment, a few people asked me questions I found to be odd. They asked how I am holding up, how I am taking things, how and I doing?  My answer is swift and sure, and I mean it with all of my heart. I have FAITH in GOD to be just, and real, and soveriegn.

But inside, when the babies are fed, clean, snuggled and loved into bed….. and when my girl collapses exhausted in a heap on the bare carpet, with her shoes still on,,,, or when she breaks and pours the tears that are such a proven vital part of the Process…..  I am angry, I am hurting, I am asking WHY,Dammit, WHY!!!

This makes me cry to admit it in print. Can you only imagine the angst it causes me as I stand humbled and broken before God?  The choking and drowning sensations of not knowing what do I REALLY believe in after all?

I want to have the Right Answers. I want to be of great help and service. I want justice to prevail, in God’s complete understanding of the FINAL, ETERNAL outcomes.

I just want release and respite.  I know I am not alone, when the hard times come. People go through mountains and valleys all the time.  Like I told my daughter in a conversation about my divorce over a decade ago, “It did not help me to hear “I know how you feel. I’ve been there”. I did not want ANYONE to feel the pain I feel.  I am also not alone because friends, family and loved ones rally in all the ways unique to people with finances, suggestions, prayers, advice…. Talking to a second cousin on the phone who is close in age to my own children drove this point home. We are truly all connected. Not one of us is alone.  We are all valid and unique. We respond and offer ourselves in myriads of ways, often depending upon the stage of the Process we are in.

What am I blessed or grateful for in this recent “trial”?  That my daughter and I reuinited in October 2010 and the groundwork was laid ahead of time for our joining forces to overcome adversity now.  I am grateful nothing is as bad as it seems or as it could be. I am blessed to know spiritually that God is at work on very INDIVIDUAL basis and he has a Plan and Purpose for EVERYTHING if we will let Him work and BE GOD. I am grateful for resources of time, money, presence and history to be available to be there by my daughter’s side at a very critical juncture of her life.

Each of us will stand at a crossroads of decision at some point in our life. How we cope, how we respond, how we trust in God is our own individual Journey of Faith, Hope, and Amazing Grace. For now, this evening after I have returned to work to face frustrations there and my sadness to leave my loved ones for another chapter, I am processing. I am not very gentle with myself. And OH GOD! I hurt inside with anger and indignation and I feel so inadequate and alone.

  I am mad at God, at certain people, and at my own shortcomings!  But I am going to bow down and give these honest feelings and questions of WHY to God. I will have every intention of placing myself fully on the altar and of surrendering me – the need to control.  The need to KNOW and the need that is inherent within me to FIX or HELP.  Those last few were never my gift to give – they are a God trait. Who knows, I may get peace soon.

God knows. He knows the reason WHY.

I am including a You Tube link to 4 Him and their song “Why”. Enjoy. If you feel led to pray for us  reach out to me or to someone God places on your heart, I humbly ask you to obey.  Be slow to anger, slow to judge, and quick to offer love, mercy, and a hand to connect someone to God.

http://youtu.be/baRHkrw10uY

((In my own stubborn desire to yell YOP and be heard? I am not going to scroll up to edit or proofread this blog.  My thoughts are mine for this space in Time. The grammar can be overlooked, if you know that I have the best at my core being.))


Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Exciting Changes Ahead

It seems like I have been in a holding pattern for a very long time.  Relationships, career, home, health, and the ever present niggling reminders that I am not getting younger all made small minute shifts over the last decade,  and then leveled off to a complacent grumble.  2010 was amazing in that I discovered my breath, deliberate choice and the flow of giving vs. receiving. Today is the first  of Fall 2011 and I would say this is an exciting season brimming with possibilities.

One lesson I learned by watching others was to clear space in my life. I experienced the release of letting go of what is no longer serving me. I saw respected friends clear their home of excess or give it all away and lean out, trusting God to catch them.  When I was ready, I cleared my contacts list, and have made it a point to revisit regularly if the person should remain on my list.  I am preparing myself mentally to sort my two storage sheds and consolidate. I made decisions regarding job offers and made excellence in service my trademark.

Then in August and September I took another trip to see my daughter and grandsons in Colorado.  It was a wonderful visit.  I try very hard to not hold expectations.  Instead, I coach myself to remain flexible, grateful, hopeful, and to conduct myself as an ambassador of peace.  With prior spiritual and emotional affirmations, I went there to embrace love, gratitude, forgiveness and to enjoy every second.  I was careful not to judge the time or anyone, but to be in a peaceful place of acceptance. 

The return to work and to Florida was not the same vein as in previous trip followups.  I ended up out of work not earning money, forced to spend money on lodging and food for weeks altogther before, during and after my trip.  I like to plan my life..... but WOW!  LIFE HAPPENED!

Yes, I was stressed with worrying.  But early on, I caught myself and I took deep, deliberate breaths and I decided that to be true to myself?  I needed to remain optimistic and have faith in God, not in me.

The rest and restoration was as necessary as it was unexpected.  When I did return to work?  The slow pace seemed to dog me, and I had to surrender again. Again. And again.

It was somewhere in these last months of shift, correction, and submission that my Process began to pay me dividends.  Suddenly, I met new people.  Men and women came into my life and some of them gave me a message for that moment, but some of them are developing roots and foundation alongside me on my Journey.  I welcome the newcomers and celebrate these gifts of new friends, new relationships, new precious lives and find I am eager to start the new day to see where we travel today?

Also, I do not maintain a residence.  I went many months of not getting a hotel room on my break times from work or responsibility for my equipment.  Once I began getting a hotel?  Well, the running water, quiet rooms, and spacious decor wooed me. I began to wonder if I should get an apartment, only to be reminded that South Florida is EXTREMELY high cost of living compared to the rest of the state!!!  I do not want to rent a room and share bathrooms or common areas.  I need the clear space to relax into when I take time off my intense work schedule and service to others.

The day of rest and time to recharge my batteries became evident as important keys to my continued improved health and attitudes.

Then, when I had decided to postpone paying for a place??  Out of the blue, a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house on one acre of land became available to me.  It includes an additional efficiency apartment and is in a secure and safe suburban area.  I can set up my bedroom, kitchen, bathroom etc... and still be able to set apart a room in the house consecrated to worship, praise, communion with God and spiritual pursuits.  I can dance, sing, and freely pray or study in space that fits me.  WOW!!!  

I will also be able to close the drain of one storage unit. The new place will have adequate storage for boat, car, semi truck,  SCUBA gear, and motorcycle (now I'm dreaming of the future, lol).  I may be able to visit with Addy more often and renew my relationship with my faithful hound,

Also, I have options of new jobs, new positions at work, or new pay opportunities.

ALL  OF THIS CAME ABOUT *AFTER* I RELINQUISHED THE NEED TO CONTROL AND KNOW EVERY DETAIL UP FRONT.

I stopped planning for God, and started letting Him direct my paths.  Yes, I know, it took me long enough! 

If the home idea works out? If any of the new people stay and the friendship and roles deepen?  I will be grateful.  Today, I am humbly brimming with gratitude and so curious what is just around the bend in the road.  Leaning on God and Life, I am doing my part to show up, dressed and ready to flow. Very aware that money, fame or things will not complete me, I am experiencing a river of gifts from God. Receiving and giving with an incessant flow of blessings and provision, my personal bounty is overflowing and I can not pay it out fast enough. Beautiful Life.

My health, future, finances and relationships that are dear to me are in much bigger, more powerful hands than mine.  I trust God to be everything for Angel and her family, Alisha and her family, and for my relatives or friends along the way.  There's a peace in my valley.

Excited and changing,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

What I Hear When The Noise And Clamor Ceases

It has been an interesting time lately.  Feeling led to sit to write a note to say that all is well and that I am okay.  I sense a need in me to give thanks, see the rainbows and pause to smell the lilies of the fields.

One of my roles as a person has me gravitating to being the Go-To guy.  I am the oldest in my family. I am the mom and Nana. I mentor a continuous thread of dear people. I train and recruit. I am the rescue 911 driver in the trucking business. I am head of household.

This has me wondering how to be the best in all I do? Trying many combinations, some things work better than others. This past month has been a season of slowing down, whether I wanted to or not. I found refuge in my faith and solace in the quiet. After the initial shock of sudden cease of forward motion and chattering clamor? The heartbeat of pleasant silence surrounded me like a mother’s womb. Soon, I found myself resting in God and trusting him to take me where he designed me to attend. What peace to just let go, fall, and believe.

Even though I am tentatively moving out into the stream of life surging around me again, I still feel the effects of the solitude, rest and restoration gained while I shut out the world for days that turned into weeks.  Eager to work and continue in Life, I am also sensitive to the cues around me to be quiet, still, and patient.  And trust me, all of the last 3 are quite a chore for me!

For every concern I could name? I can quickly find the blessing in it.  Yes, my parents have a tree breaking one limb at a time and tearing holes through their house.  Yet, no one has been injured and my Dad is a handy man.  Yes, I was out of work a very long time and forced to rest. But hey, I had a motel room every night that I needed it and all the amenities of bed and running water.  This list could go on for many pages, but suffice it to say, I am inspired by how Life is turning out to be quite capable of turning on its own course.  Thankful for the balance that God chooses of solitude, company and interactions.

Recently I rode out a severe South Florida thunderstorm on the beach, wrapped in a bedsheet and praying to not be struck by lightning. When the threat rumbled away, I enjoyed the cool clingy dampness of muddy sugar sand caressing my bare feet, flexing, filling the space. Later my footsteps rolled across warm asphalt, steaming across a parking lot.  The simple notice of the senses of touch, smell, sound, taste, and sight just filled my being with joy and gladness to be experiencing this very moment in this exact time. No one else felt or saw the rain on my face quite like I did. I surely had the entire beach alone as far as my eyes could see.

Choosing to take the down times as opportunities to write, my every being is grateful for the intellect to search for words to express my heart and soul.  There is freedom here. It is a gift to have time to write.  I have been gentle with myself in this recent bout of Process and have been tenderly sorting my wishes, hopes, and dreams. I am determined to champion all that is GOOD and RIGHT instead of giving attention to what may be lacking or wrong.

I am definitely celebrating the lives of myself, my girls, family and friends, and I am not judging them or placing limits on God in their lives.

This season set apart does not seem to be a calling to brokenness. This time it feels like an expectant pause, a pregnant miracle, growing, developing, maturing. I have had extremely potent bursts of clarity, energy, pure divine revelation and an excess of hunger for the fullness of the present moment. I am here in this place for a reason. There is gratitude that wells up in me for this new direction, vision and hope.

Resting, listening, in the calm that comes when the clamor ceases, I am beginning to be sensitive again to hear the still, small voice of calm.

Attentively listening,

Jan M. Olsen

~J~

Life As A Highway

This has already been an exciting month of new opportunities, gifts, revelations, prophecies, and chances. With half of June 2011 still ahead, I am charged with enthusiasm to see what is around the next bend of my Life's road.

Sometimes such great shifts brings friction.  The ways I noticed it this month were both in subtle nudges and outright cacaphony.  New directions offer new relationship posssibilities. It also gives me a chance to reevaluate my current address book.  Often, I get distracted or on a roll, and I forget to take care of my body's physical, emotional, or spiritual needs.  When this happens, my batteries run low and weird bells and whistles begin to clamor for attention.

In some ways, my paths are becoming more defined than they ever have before.  This time, I am shaping my direction purposefully and with creative power.   Every now and then, I still get alarmed by how fast the ball rolls and the debris it picks up along the way.   Learning balance.  Beginning with a chuckle that echoes in my quiet truck, I rumble from deep in my tummy a laugh that bubbles up and out of me. Balance is not a new word for me to say I long for that quality.  Equilibrium.  I don't mean status quo, but I do desire to find myself encouraged about moving on and up. 

My new picture of where I am heading in the near future, has me leaning alot on a core group of people that I culled my list to at the end of 2010.  I kept and nurtured "safe people".  Men and women that inspire, encourage, love, and assist me to reaching my goals and optimal health in all ways.  With everything I have within me I pray and bless this set of friends and loved ones.  I cherish and appreciate the nurture sown into me.  You are a patient and kind bunch of people!

Perhaps I need to take an "alignment  break" and get some things on the right track again. My health, my focus, my emotions, my spiritual pursuits all need fervent TLC from me.  I do not want to stall on  a hill though.  I want to maximize the momentum, and have some guidance on my course. Deliberately choose how I feel, perceive, and react to all the fresh  offerings of Life heading my way.

I took North Carolina and Virgina state roads in my semi truck today.  It was challenging.  But do-able.  And in a strange source, I found a peaceful balm to my jangled nerves and wounds.  During a particular shady, treelined portion of Route 58/ 360 in Virginia I suddenly felt as if God himself overshadowed me.  I felt in the presence of His peace and love and mercy.  As the verdant hillsides rolled and turned, I settled into the rhythm and found myself at One.

This alone is enough respite to help me rest easy tonight in my dreams, and recharge my body for tomorrow's adventures, wherever my road may lead me next.  Am I healed of all pain of all kinds?  No.  But I know I might be there any minute.

Moving along on Life's Highway,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

I Figured It Out

What is "it"?

Driving to a real, honest to goodness, true two day weekend off in an area where I am loved, nurtured, stimulated, accepted, welcomed and the closest to "home" this weary Road Warrior has ever felt, I was hit by a realization. Okay, a few realizations!  I quickly proclaimed one of them to a dear friend, knowing he would hear my YOP and KNOW what I meant instantly!

I NEED TO DANCE!! 

 DANCE FOR THE SHEER JOY OF BEING ALIVE! 

 WORSHIP TO GOD IN THE WAY HE CREATED ME.

  EXPRESS MY LOVE FOR HIM! 

 DANCE!  DANCE! DANCE!

  I also made a serious attempt to call, email, text and reach out to my list of friends, family, those that I mentor, to my work.... to all I could think of to be sure we are cool.  I wanted to make sure there are no hard feelings, no pressing needs, and that all my loved ones know EXACTLY how I love them dearly. 

It was hidden among the stuff of life.  The peace and rest my soul is so gravely in need of.  Some of the phone calls were funny. Some poignant. Some were mere duty.  A couple of them really lifted me higher and helped right my sailboat.  For this last?  I thank you Angel and Nanci.  You two helped me find perspective and balance tonight. Very grateful and loved right now.

Arriving at my Sunrise delivery two full hours EARLY, I am still bound to my truck until it is unloaded by the night shift.  This is giving me time to listen to a cd that I adore by Tom Ameen. The cd is named "Inner Peace" and has titles such as "Reflections","First Steps", "Solace", "Truth", "The Journey", "The Road Home" and is a piano and electric violin collection that washes my soul clean of the dusty pigpen cloud of STUFF.

 Blogger has been down a few days, and it is an ahhhhhhh feeling to just write loosely and surrender to the music and the magical healing powers my two outlets.  With a sigh, bordering on an exhausted sob, I am finally at a stopping place.  For the next two days, I get to "JUST BE" and relax into all God has for me, wherever that takes me, His timing.

 Perfect in its imperfection.

This is not to say anything has been bad.  I have just been pouring myself out in every way imaginable.  When the truck stops rumbling beneath me, I seem to feel a rush even to get to bed, get to sleep, NOW, so I can get back up and back into the fray immediately.  My waking moments, I am charging, expending.  Work, people, solutions, improvements, go go go.   And be sure, I am SO BLESSED to have a job I love, and people that look to me. I am but the least of these.

Anyway.... I have not shared this blog with my best friend.  There is a private reason for that separation.  Lately, I have been drawn closer to her again after a dry spell and when we connect, it is a balm to my heart, soul and mind.   I think everyone has one or two, or a few people that they have history with.  That they can simply relax into the moment and be grateful for a word, a look, a touch that bares no expectations or requirements, just be myself, in all of my strengths and weaknesses.

  If I needed to sleep, undisturbed until I wake up? And if that takes a full weekend?  I know I have that sanctuary with her. Sometimes, that Knowing is enough.

But by not sharing the blog, by us travelling different roads of Life, we needed at least the phone call we shared today.  Forty minutes of OMG! You Go Girl, and ABSOLUTELY!  How easy it is to relax into JUST BEING.

We caught up on the "days of our lives" and laughed, cried, loved.  How beautiful to share that CONNECTION and I am so grateful for the technology and electronics that make miles and minutes melt away.  I was lucky to spend a night at her house in this past month. Over the treasured seafood dinner, we sat near enough to touch, and I was able to express my heart regarding my Process, my search for my Passion, Purpose, my discoveries, and my healing.  AWESOME!!!  Heads inclined to one another, we shared testimonies and Life's Little Answers.

Tonight, when we discussed me, it was so I could vehemently declare that "I AM WHOLE"!!!  I just realized that this past week!!!!!   In the last quarter of 2010, I found my breath, made choices, and I was healed.  In the recent transitions of my family going their separate ways more fully, I found release again. 

It was during Angel's USF graduation that I noticed that I was a spectator, not a facilitator.  I was invited, but not consulted.  I was welcome, but not required.  I was free to come and go as I will, and not check in.  I was rewarded, but not responsible.

Until you have been in that moment?  You have no idea how LIBERATING this was to me!!!!   I will always be the ex-wife,  Mom,, and Nana J, etc.  Certainly, I am free to be my own person, and as long as I do not hurt another? I am free to try, to discover, to process, to accept, to fail, to triumph for MYSELF! 

I AM WHOLE!!!

(Oh yes!!! "I AM"!!!! Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Over the months of Process that writing, music, following my breath, praying, seeking, finding I have had such relief and feel such a release of the chains of traditions, prejudices, experiences that held me bound and subject for my life to this point. 

I AM FREE TO CHOOSE!!!

AMAZING!!!

A life of prior conditioning had me under the cloud of  the lie that I was less-than.... it is with observing the presents Life is setting before me, the courage to tug on the ribbon, and accepting what now sits before my wondering gaze, that I am trying new ways of taking great care of myself.

 It is just me now.  It is up to me to be good to myself.  To honor and be grateful to my body. To take care of it. To love it, and meet its needs. That falls under health, nourishment, rest, exercise, and tender loving care by way of touch, and concern for my well-being.   New grounds for me.  I pray for patience to follow this course with gratitude and grace that has been placed before me.

There is a change in the air!  An excitement!   My Passionate Purpose is to teach!  By obeying this, I am serving and giving to others in the full powers of my potential and abilities.  I see new doors in the hallway.  Eager to try a few.  Asking for courage to walk in when the doorknob turns in my hand. 

Ready now to observe a full two days of rest, recharge, restoration I am going to breathe in, then let go.

  Let go of my worries. Let go of control. Let go of the past. Let go of what is no longer serving me. Let go of fears. Let go of prejudices. Let go of judgements. Let go of concern of what other think or want for me.

  This is my life, my weekend.  I am ready to seize the Present gratefully and prepare for the gifts the Future brings.

And dance. 

Laugh.

Love.

Serve.

Sing.

Seek.

Discover.

Embarking in joy,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Where Are Those Elusive ZZzzzzS?

For one reason or another, I have not been on the blog to write deeply in awhile.


When it comes to Angel and Aaron? My words get jammed up. Stuck somewhere between bile in my stomach and an ache in my heart. My opportunity to exercise and grow in my LOVE, GRATITUDE, AND FORGIVENESS.

Work has been awesome!! I certainly know that today could be a feast, and tomorrow a famine! At the moment, I am making more miles per week than my brother with his 15 yrs driving experience. Also, I make 3.5 cents per mile MORE than he does!

My only complaint, if it that is even the negative word for it? Is that somehow I got flipped to driving the night shift. I have been asking to get solar -powered again. Now that it is the weekend? I am going to take this opportunity of less staff in the offices and I am going to bed in a few minutes (4pm) and not getting up until I wake up on my own!!!! Sometime Sunday :)

I have a huge amount of wishes, hopes, and dreams percolating right now. Yet, I am not writing much at all, anywhere. Still here. Just waiting... on inspiration. On release. On Relief. On clarity.

Meanwhile, I reach out to others. Both for my own support and to bounce ideas with me. And I reach out to others. Often, people are seeking me. Which is fine too. I am flowing as the Spirit directs and remaining open to the incoming and outgoing flow of energy and inspiration.

Remaining grateful for friends, family, and loved ones that pray with me, that ride vicariously with me OTR, and that Journey this crazy thing we call LIFE with me. I am very blessed. Abundantly.

My desire is to serve and love others with all I have within me.

Let it be, Lord, let it be.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Letting Go I Win, Holding On I Lose

That title is old, coming from the LIFE CHANGING radically impacting podcast from Dr. Charles Stanley in his "Blessings in Brokeness" series June 2008.  That message stripped me naked, and allowed spiritual healing to fully begin. In a sense, they were my Walls of Jericho, and they sustained a mortar hit of cataclysmic proportions. 

The next phrase to hit me as strongly, in its Simple In Its Beauty- kind of way is "What am I holding onto that is no longer serving me?" 

Funny, how years apart and sources EXTREMELY varied, the same inner message is revisited and made new in its timelessness.

Letting Go...

This is an area, among many that I struggle with. A few segments would be the storage shed I keep of homemade Christmas ornaments, hand prints, and Play Doh hearts on strings.  Most everything points  to "back when I had a family".  Of course, I still have the same family members, even new faces.

After sitting all day at a shipper and being lazy, resting, I got up and felt led to some deeper meditations.  They were not new. But I was asked to treat them like it was the very first time.  Much as a Christian, we look back and remember our fervor, joy, and zeal in the "First Love" when we give our lives to God.

What I found there is challenging me.  At the moment, it has me raw, and a cross between a laugh and a cry.  It is not that there is work to do.  As long as I  breathe, I will have more that can be accomplished.  It is wrestling inside with feelings of frustration and of failure.  I SHOULD BE able to get closure and I SHOULD BE able to forgive and grow onward.

Yet, I am holding on. To negative thoughts. To old ways. To my past. To anchors that have become weights, no longer grounding me, but holding me down.

So, I write with a vex in my spirit, and no answer.

I know what I need to do.  I stand poised to act. And I back away,, and sit there, remaining in my confusion.

THe decision is mine. The choice is mine. The action to take is mine.

WHAT AM I HOLDING ON TO????

No answer,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Few Words

I have had a major shaking up in my world this weekend.  At this time, I do not have words for it.

Actually, I am retreating into myself for a time of cleansing and purifying.

So I will close with this thought, "I won't turn back."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3xFXLOKKIQ

God bless.

Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Moving On lyrics

Hiding in a smile
Is a life filled with hurt
A soul that's crying out
Wanting to be heard
I've tried all I know
To discard all my pain
Will I come alive
Is there any way

CHORUS:
I don't wanna waste another day
Living in regret from my mistakes
I'll move on and the sun will shine
Pick up the pieces walk away
Live with the choices I have made
You've forgotten and so will I
So will I

When the day is done
And the noise and lights are gone
I look back at my life
What else can go wrong
How could you still love
A heart as cold as ice
But I must look so different
Different in your eyes

It's a mystery
How human can I be?

What A Song!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2diIeBEmvWw
Five Finger Death Punch-"Far From Home"

Great song in a great album, enjoy. [Lyrics] Verse 1 Another day in this carnival of souls Another nights ends, end as quickly as it goes The memories are shadows; ink on the page And i can't seem to find my way home Chorus And it's almost like Your heaven's trying everything You.......

Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them. Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891 Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 - 1900

Moved a weight around in my chest. It's still there. It just shifted. Not sure what to do or where to go next.
Was COMPLETELY blindsided. And OH!! I hate being snuck up on!!!

Wow,,, go to sleep now? Riiiiight.
jmo
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
The episode of my favorite TV show that I watched, tonight it wasn't about the murders this time. It was about the family of the killer.
In the end, an adult woman whose father was a serial killer  when she was in elementary school,  asked what was wrong with her that she couldn't hate her father?

This hit me soooo hard!  I ask myself ALL THE TIME
 "HOW can you forgive your dad?"

"WHY can't you forgive your mother?"

Both haunt me.  I can forgive so much,, and I do try,, to forgive her, even thought she is freaking clueless and still turns her back to me.  The correct order of roles was reversed somehow?  I had to protect HER??!!  WTH!

I want peace,, especially before she goes,, but she doesn't know,, or care,,, that I have ought with her.

Once, when I was in junior high I asked her, what would she do if she knew Dad was doing something to Michael or me? Her response was swift, full of venom and distorted her features- "I WOULD KILL HIM!"

Well, alrighty then, *itch!!! YOU  chose to never be around!! YOU chose to drop me off!  YOU chose to not SEE me!!  YOU chose to not take care of things.... and YOU want to kill HIM!??!  Like Heck! 

So,,, i kept my silence...
In the TV episode tonight??? The daddy kills the mom.
UGH!!!!

Yoga Class #2 This Past Sunday "Hot Yoga Groove"

HOT YOGA


HOT YOGA classes at Yoga Connection are an eclectic blend of Yoga styles combining the vast knowledge, experience and personalities of our amazing staff of Yoga Connection expert instructors. All Hot Yoga classes will be taught in our state of the art heated Yoga studio, and with great detail breaking down the mechanics of all postures.

Attended the Sunday PM “Hot Yoga Groove” class.
This letter is much shorter. I purchased the 10 week package for $160. It makes each class $16 plus a free one. So 11 total. I paid $18 for the morning class.

The Hot Yoga Groove was faster paced. Although, Savanah took time with me and a few other new people to physically touch us to adjust and align us??? She moved very rapidly from one thing to the next.

I was right to think I should get used to the positions, the breathing, the methods, the physical parts of it all before I add the heated sauna part. It felt great and did provide a deeper release, but it was a bit much as out of shape as I am.

As before, I was the only fat person. Everyone else, male/female, new/experienced. young/old, differing ethnicities, they were all slender and in shape. Sigh...

I know I didn't get this way in a day, or wasn't born this way. It will take time and a process to undo the damage I have exacted on my body through neglect, misuse, injury, and abuse.

Savanah is young (mid 20”s). The music was kind of Enigma or Enya style, still not what I hoped for “work out music”. All it did was set the pace higher, faster for the Yoga poses themselves. Very advanced stretches.

I struggled with the heat factor, and thought a few times I would actually throw up, ugh.

I TRIUMPHED BY NOT GETTING SICK AND BY NOT LEAVING THE ROOM THOUGH!! Even Savanah remarked she was surprised I stayed the entire 90 minutes, struggling even as I did. I did the work as best I could, allowing for newness, previous class and the foreign soreness in newly challenged muscles (LOL), the heat, etc.

A COURSE IN MIRACLES!!! Savanah read from their workbook 5-10 times, including during the meditative section of time at the end of class!! She often read it to us as we held or moved through stretches (I know there's a word for the that “FLOW” but don't know what it is???)

She also did that whole shaking her hands thing to flick off bad energy that Rilla did when she massaged me. IT is cracking me up how a month ago I didnt hear of ANY OF THIS and also only just told you about Rilla's holistic movements... and to be just inundated with it now is a lot of confirmation and establishing in my SPIRITUAL walk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hope I am doing okay and not in any harm??? Whew,,, a lot of TRUST going on here! Just because I am questioning??? I am not rejecting, obviously,,, since I am still going forward into new realms of Possibility.

That's all for Class #2. I may not go back right away. Let me get a firm basic foundation first.

Also, only baby steps in ACIM for me. It is tormenting me spiritually.

It was too late to shower and go to church at POCC. I was pretty OVERLOADED and OVERWHELMED by now anyway. Not sure I could allow more into me??

So I drove to the ocean, parked at the hotel where I stayed for Thanksgiving,, and went onto the deserted beach. It was raining, but I figured, I was already wringing wet anyway, and the sand is always invasive. I planned to shower at the beach before going back to my truck.

For an hour and half,, I sat just 10 feet from the water,,, heavy clouds, sporadic rain, no moon, lots of stars and watched the cruise ships go out. I cried ALOT!!!!!

I prayed some,, I sat there, stretched, then in a hugging pose, and rocked back and forth for an interminable amount of time,,, tears streaming,, until, the SPIRIT took over and I began to pray in tongues. I lost all sense of time then.

If anyone passed me, it would seem like I was chanting. After all else I have been doing? That isn't so odd to me anymore to think of it that way.

God released me,, and I sat, spent cold and wet on the sands until I just wearily got up. Too tired to shower, I just sat on a towel and went back to my truck, changed clothes and went to bed.

Here I am today.... processing :-)

Was going to take the special workshop this coming Sunday with the Power Flow and LIVE SACRED MUSIC,, but they have called to cancel. That's okay,, I'm overwhelmed now anyway.(see below,, it will still be on my list of things to do once they offer it again. By then, I will have conquered my issues).

Jan M. Olsen
~J~
LIVE SACRED MUSIC POWER FLOW *(very interested)

Exclusive to Yoga Connection in the West Broward area, this popular program features our very own Barbara Sloan and Worldbeat Musician Richard Brookens in a Power Flow class to live sacred music. Richard performs with Bamboo Flutes (from India and China), Native American Indian Flutes, Tablas (drums from India), Udus (clay pots from Africa), and a alineseGong, along with ambient tracks from his original CD's - all combined with a challenging Asana flow utilizing breath, body, voice, sound, mantra, mind and spirit for a total Yoga experience of pure meditation in motion. Instruction and adjustment will be provided so all levels are welcome. This unique program will be offered at Yoga Connection on a monthly/bimonthly basis, so make sure to check our Events Page for dates and times, and join in the newest and most exciting yoga experience in South Florida!