I think the ocean sands must be alot like a Sleep Number bed? Wriggle and get it just so under your contours. It settles as you do. Nice :)

I'm such a lightweight these days..... I will be in bed by 10pm. So much for all night Mickey Mouse Club Beach parties...I'm an old fuddy duddy now =(

It's THAT Time of Year Again

Here we are! The year TwentyTen is fast drawing to a close.  I don't make specific New Years Resolutions.  If I find a trait to adapt, chances are it won't wait until January 1st on NEXT YEAR'S calendar.   Life is such  a Process of Give and Take. Truly Beautiful when you think of it. You can't admit to being tired of something in your life, without also deciding to improve on it. All year long :)

During my married years, we played the in-laws game. We tried vainly to please this set or that set. All while establishing traditions for our own 4 members. Soldiers, church, jobs....When we got divorced in 2000, now we have to add Dad's house, My House, all the Grands, and any blended familes as well.  What was a JOYous season, became incredibly frustrating, chaotic, never satisfying ANYONE, and often it called to notice just how PAINFUL divorce is on the partners AND the children involved.

Especially in the first years, it was easier and kinder to just tell my junior high and senior high school-age girls to go stay with their Dad. He was lonely all the time. Visitation schedules SUCK!!! He is a limp weenie, but  I am resilient. I was also overwhelmed with rejection, loss of the ideal of "Till Death Do Us Part", strapped financially, working overtime, then a second, then a third job.

So it became a gift to me to go out on the lake alone before daylight,,, just me and my little boat, maybe Addy.  At the time I was quite jaded and sniffed "If I'm gonna be alone anyways, I may as well not sit at the house to do it." Thanksgiving and Christmas became JUST ANOTHER SET OF PAINFUL DAYS TO SURVIVE.

Then with Lewis, and how we all four loved one another, we built new traditions!  More than a meal, it was our thing to go to a specific movie on Christmas Day as a unit  we saw ALL THREE  of the "Lord Of The Rings" Trilogy in theatres, on CHRISTMAS DAY as part of "our" bond!!!

Then,, after 2 1/2 marvelous years,  he left too,,, and the girls and I each cut adrift, separating from each other emotionally in our OWN  raging seas of pain, loss, lack of faith....  that was a DECIDING STRAW to break the camel's back.  Holidays can take a FLYING LEAP AT THE MOON!!!

This year, Fall of 2010 has been an awakening!!!  First, seeds of forgiveness sprouted.  Then came Reunion and Union. The family GREW by adding Aaron to Angel's life, and my grandson, Jeremiah to Alisha & Tony's lives. Next, Reconcillation began to bud and prosper. Alisha began to contact first one, then awhile later, another,, then another of her extended family after several years of cold separation! 

This past year I EXPERIENCED LOVE FIRST-HAND with Pastor Hattabaugh and the Pentecostals of Cooper City.

 As LOVE  was so patiently demonstrated, and as people literally HELD ME until the fear and trembling in me subsided, I began to BELIEVE again,,, in LIFE,, in LOVE... in HOPE.... in my Song - Laughter, Singing, Dancing..... in a Future where it is safe to dream, to be loved, and to love in return.

FULL MEASURE.... still working on that one myself... not holding back, in Limbic Flight or Fight.

Today and tomorrow marks several HUGE FIRSTS!

• Angel and Aaron's first Thanksgiving as a married couple.  They are taking the day to just BE TOGETHER and go out to a nice dinner somewhere as a treat to themselves.
• Alisha, Tony, and Jeremiah have made friends in Colorado, and religious preferences are being put aside. They are going to their friends' house for Thanksgiving meal.
• My brood is settled :)   Jan, is now free to let herself have good things in her life.  I have realized that work will still be here on Friday.  I am celebrating Thanksgiving with beloved church families in SoFL.

Also, when Lewis left us, my long-time counsellor and love/ friend, Dr. Isaac B. Deas told me there were two things he did not want to see me become. Bitter and a workaholic.  I promptly became BOTH. Sigh... well, I never got hard core bitter...  Somehow,, no matter many times i get pummelled into the dust by Life, I roll back to my feet with that goofy "hit me again, that didn't hurt" grin on my face.

Jaded? Yeah. Workaholic? Oops... guilty.

So, Jan is STILL working on that last one!!!  GRIN!!!!  If I work my guts out, I am too tired to care (yeah I know,, it didn't quite work out that way, did it???),, and I earn stupid good money that I can just GIVE away because it DOESN'T buy health, happiness, relationship, connection etc....

As this "whatever it is fever" has socked me for so long?? I am ready to give up....  but can't stop working. I don't know how :-(

For me to even consider holiday time off ??? Is HUGE -BOMBASTIC - MONUMENTAL-
 OF EPIC PROPORTIONS!!!

But when I received at least TEN Facebook and POCC invitations, I got to thinking, I can still help drivers get home. I can do it locally. I can still end up off-duty at the same time everyone else is. Usually, the loads are timed to force the drivers to shut down for safety wherever they happen to land.

WHY NOT NEAR MY CHURCH FAMILY AND  PERSONAL CAR?????

Then,, to get a motel room, second time in a week???  CRAZY OPULENCE AND WASTE OF money resources on me,,,, but,, the real bed DID feel SOOOOO GOOD!!!

Again, why not???  I hear alot, from different sources to be good to myself, take good care of me, be kind to myself. Etc...

Why not?

Worth a try.... shucks,, I've tried so many other things in my short life.  Why not try being nice to me too???

lol

So,, here I am. Gonna click send,, and then pack my  duffle bag for 2 days off.  Go buy groceries to make dishes to carry to the Feist's house. And GO TO THE WINDY BEACH AND CHECK INTO MY OCEANFRONT HOTEL ROOM AND CATCH SOME SALT, SUN, and SAND in my hair!!!

I deserve it,, or so I hear ;-)

Happy Thanksgiving to all,, and to all a good night =)

Jan M. Olsen

~J~

In awe over how the refractions of neon lights on the polluted, wildfire smoky Central Florida skies can be so BEAUTIFUL! Hazy strata undulating night skies.

A Spirit of the Familiar

If I'm not careful, I notice lapsing into old habits of eating or of treating my body, thinking of comfortable (also some not -so- comfortable) relationships, old attitudes or ways of approaching and thinking of Life.

I wonder why? Is it less scary than the Unknown? Chances are, the old ways were not very fulfilling to my Life's Calling. There are some great things to glean from the Past. But I don't want the disappontments of weeds and vines to trip me holding me down.

While driving the night shift down to Miami for holiday Time Off, I noticed letting the radio dial linger on music that was familiar, but not anything that I enjoyed or could sing along with.Why did I tune in? Tolerating it?

Changing that dial is so simple, really.Getting in touch with my abundant Blessings is a choice I made a long time ago. Sadly, I get caught up living a dance to music that I don't even know or like. Foreign to me. Keeps me out of sorts. Another uncomfortable role for me.

Once upon a time, there was a tender-hearted, happy-go-lucky girl. She got caught up surviving Life. Time to find her and get back to who I am deep inside. Resurrect that part of a smoking flax in me that flickered, but didn't extinguish.

So, reaching up to tweak the controls on the FM dial- Familiar Mentality. Honing in on what's Authentic, Genuine, Personal and Inspiring.

Rewarded by Love, Laughter, Song, Dance and Adventure! Enjoyment for the Living NOW and hope for the Promising Future Growth as a Woman of Purpose!

Tuning in,
Jan M. Olsen
~ J~
Sent Urom my Verizon Wireless mobile phone