Looking back over journals, emails, logs etc I see reminders of the Process. Divorce itself was just a piece of paper after too many years of _______ (fill in the blank, because I don't care anymore.) However, Empty Nest was a maelstrom of pain, loss, anger and my roots being ripped away. It was like Spring, Summer and Fall were over and a blizzard of Winter ate me into barely hanging by a thread. Knowing most pains and seasons get better, but spending dark times wondering if I could hold up.
Then shaking it off! Getting my CDL, putting our lifetime of "Remember Whens" into storage units, getting a PO Box and a friend to let me use her home as a physical address for my license - - I flew into Dallas, TX in July 2007 to embark on something new, unexpected and a touch wild!
Somewhere along the Journey of the past decade and beyond, I lost myself, found someone new. Someone strong, independant, fearless in many ways. I have learned to be excited by new opportunities, Change and the What Ifs. Blessed to keep old friends and family, reunite with others, and to open my heart to the possibilities of new people, places and things.
Recently, I drove through the Maggie Valley area of the Great Smokey Mountains. As far back as 2004, Lewis and I drove up from Lake County Florida with my two girls to go snow skiing. We wanted to enjoy the girls being at home during their JR/SR high school years and find snow.
Then, my very first expedition as a completely solo, lonely, broken single woman with Empty Nest, I rode my motorcycle from Lake County to camp 8 days in a tent in Deep Creek, near Bryson City, NC also in the Great Smokey Mountains National Park. It was 22 degrees that October, but this Florida gal rode up to 12 hours a day enjoying Autumn, the Nantahala River, the 318 curves in 11 miles of the Dragon of Deal's Gap, the Blue Ridge Parkway... and just the mapping the trip, to the long ride up there.... Well? I left a broken, drifting woman... and came back as the beginning of the stronger current version of myself.
Even getting my CDL and suddenly having more time off, more money, more travelling experiences? I still see in my writings how LONELY I was. How I craved roots. A home. A companion. A family. As time went on, my dogs retired from travelling with me. That is a very big hole still in me today.
June 8, 2008 I prayed back through in Cooper City, Florida. There I found such love, such hope... if God has a human face? There was patient love and concern at the church there.
Over time, the loneliness has eased. Yes, still flare ups. Holidays are rough. Missing my girls like crazy. I suppose I still think about a companion... although, by now, I think a dog would be plenty. And I am growing in the LORD, finding the servant's heart and giving of my affection, finances, attention to those I meet along the way. Staying connected through church, social media, and nurturing relationships with family and friends,,, when the easy way out would be to just stay in my own shell. Seems the "safer" way would be to keep to myself.
But God has poured so much grace and mercy into me. I have a testimony. I am blessed with abundance - tangible and the unseen, unmeasurable. I encounter Love everywhere I go, and try to reflect that Light out again. To be the hands, feet, voice,,, to be used of God. Truth - you can NOT outgive God!
Lately, my musings have begun to repeat themselves. WHERE DO I WANT TO LIVE? Where do I want to work? Why am I doing any of this? I suppose after 7 years out here, it's reasonable to want to question WHAT'S NEXT?
Just this past week, it felt like going "home" when I drove a load through Asheville, Sylva, Bryson City etc. Saw familiar stores, mom and pop diners, and familiar routes I explored on my motorcycle that Autumn of 2006.
A new longing has been gnawing me - when I do take "Time Off" I want it to be in the wild, untamed mountains, rivers, and open lands. South Florida is choking my spirit. But where would I go to church? Park my motorcycle, car, boat, receive my mail if I leave the familiarity and church of South Florida?
Gosh, is it time to hold my nose and jump off the Deep End again? The churning in my tummy lets me know I am on to something. One chapter is sliding off the page,,, the new pages beckoning.
Someone I trust said some very kind things about words I had shared. They have stirred me so I am copying them here .
"Dear Poet: I have been reading your words for a few years now. This particular entry has sensuality without sex, love without obligation, and care without expectation. It reads like a chapter from a beautiful "inspired by" biography. "
We write in the pages of the Life we have been given, we all do this. We Process in ways that are as varied as we are individual. My Go To is to write. Sometimes I reach out, often, the old habits of tucking and rolling to protect myself kick in and I do not share.
My friend's words stir affirmations in me. I like that he sees these traits in me, and plan to live up to them, if only for myself. To be the best version of myself that I can be. Challenge accepted!
My Intention for 2014 was shared in private with my oldest daughter. It was simply "To Love". The deep explanation, is not just to love others more (the EASY PART!), but to allow others to love me. Letting others pour what they have of talents, wishes, hopes and dreams into the mixing pot. Even when someone has nothing to offer in material measures of the world and our spoiled culture, if they love one another as Christ so loved? To open myself. To enjoy this world with others, on their Journeys. The Flow of Giving and Receiving of insights, experiences, valuables unclogged from my fears and reticence.
To become vulnerable again after all these years of SELF: Determination, Reliance, Provision, Love, Care.
I see the fruits of this awareness when I begin to experience passions, such as a desire to live somewhere, to belong, to have roots, foundation and a base to support the branches available to be by my job as an over the road truck driver.
That allowing LOVE in scares me? Signs like blinking neon that I am to move towards this unknown.
I've stared into the abyss. I've wished for death, I've tread water. I've stepped out of my Comfort Zone. I've created, recreated and created myself over and again.
It's just now that I see the sweet stirrings of Spring in my life as well as the natural world. From the pungent flowers, to the myriad colors, to the sounds of life around me, I am drawn out of my truck, my comfort, and my hiding place into the world around me.
It's a lot like riding my motorcycle. Put the helmet on, create the environment, and let go! Blowing the cobwebs out, releasing tensions, trying new things, taking a "wrong" turn and letting Life show me her majesty!
Years ago, I could not abide the bittersweet of Country music. Getting to where I can avoid the harsh pain and enjoy the hopeful happiness. Reminded that Brad Paisley's "When I Get Where I'm Going" says what my words can not convey. "Yeah when I get where I'm goin,
There'll be only happy tears. I will shed the sins and struggles, I have carried all these years. And I'll leave my heart wide open, I will love and have no fear. Yeah when I get where I'm goin, Don't cry for me down here."
The link to Brad's YouTube video is here ---->>> When I Get Where I'm Going
Writing my own story,
Janet M. Olsen
~J~
"When Get Where I'm Going"
(Feat. Dolly Parton)
When I get where I'm going,
On the far side of the sky,
The first thing I'm gonna do
Is spread my wing and fly.
I'm gonna land beside a lion,
And run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what its like,
To ride a drop of rain
(Chorus)
Yeah when I get where I'm goin,
There'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm goin,
Don't cry for me down here
I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy.
And he'll match me step for step.
And I'll tell him how I missed him
Every minute sence he left,
Then I'll hug his neck.
(Repeat chorus)
So much pain and so much darkness,
In this world we stumble through.
All these questions I can't answer,
And so much work to do
But when I get where I'm goin,
And I see my maker's face,
I'll stand forever in the light,
Of his amazing Grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm goin,
There'll be only happy tears.
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going,
On the far side of the sky,
The first thing I'm gonna do
Is spread my wing and fly.
I'm gonna land beside a lion,
And run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what its like,
To ride a drop of rain
(Chorus)
Yeah when I get where I'm goin,
There'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm goin,
Don't cry for me down here
I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy.
And he'll match me step for step.
And I'll tell him how I missed him
Every minute sence he left,
Then I'll hug his neck.
(Repeat chorus)
So much pain and so much darkness,
In this world we stumble through.
All these questions I can't answer,
And so much work to do
But when I get where I'm goin,
And I see my maker's face,
I'll stand forever in the light,
Of his amazing Grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm goin,
There'll be only happy tears.
I will love and have no fear.
