When Sunrise Turned Into sunset.....

Appalachian Sunrise 

The need to Process, free write, blow off steam, organize and sort is literally burning with a fire and heavy weight in my chest. The title is not a typo, as I know grammar very well. The lower case "S" in sunset is symbolic and will be revealed soon enough.

One thing that is beautiful in self-awareness, deliberate choice, and accountability is the similararity to God's grace to His children.  That is, if you fall down, screw up, lose your way? You CAN choose to dust off, realign and get back up on the horse that threw you.  Since 2010, I've learned there is freedom and power in my CHOICE and decisions.

There is a new countdown in the works. Some of my closest friends and family are already "In the Know". To some, I am hiding in plain sight and you still won't "get it". And to some, I am merely waiting until the "I could have had a V8 Moment" pops you on the forehead.

A few facts and the way they affect me on a daily basis - I have been single for most of the past 14 years. There were Chapters where I danced with a partner.... but by and large? On my own.  My girls grew up and became strong, independant and wonderful women.... finding their own wings in the world.  Freedom comes with a price ~

With my CDL-A in July 2007, I have had adventure, lessons, and opportunities that astound and humble me.  A high school drop out, fairly intelligent, drifting, curious, dynamic, I've driven my semi in all 48 states and Canada, get paid to travel, met new people and share Light along the way.

May 2010, I was blessed during May of Miracles at my home church, the Pentecostals Of Cooper City in south Florida with THREE commercial vehicle operator jobs in one day!! After consideration with my pastor, chose Heartland Express. May 2014 was my 4 year service anniversary and it is going stronger all the time!  So grateful!!!

By the August of 2010, my lease on my apartment in SoFL ran out, I made the decision that was right for me - put my household into storage and live solely off my semi truck. Low cost, fluid of movement, available to Life and what new adventures it might hold.

The truth is never far from my mind though - - - No job?  No semi??  No work??? NO HOME!!!

The part of me that still to this day CRAVES the stability of a home, family, partner... the nesting and nurturing part of the silly smiling girl inside of me? I am  stressed and worried every time I turn in my truck to take vacation, every time I make a mistake and fear for my job.... and it makes me stay, even if it's in a rut, a whole lot longer than I might,,, just because I KNOW what a blessing it is to have this roof over my head, climate control, modern features etc.

This next part comes from my heart. If I were to be in person and say it? Some people would "get it". Some would fluff it off. Some would argue. Some would work to meet me in the middle....  so here goes:  By choice, by design, and by lifestyle, I am solo. I live alone. Work alone. Have holiday, birthdays, anniversaries alone.  I play alone. I explore alone. I worship God alone....  and so on.

It has come to my notice that I have "text message" friendships.

Just in the past two days, I have had more PHONE CALLS, in person meetings over meals and long heart to heart conversations than I did the entire previous month or more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And in the past 2 weeks, I have seen more of my friends in person and spent quality time than I have in MONTHS.

This is a condition of my lifestyle.  It is a conscious choice. But it is also not really where I authentically want to be in my life.

In the recent phone chats, I told longtime, faithful friends another truth.  I drive 10-11 hours every shift. 500-600 miles a day. All weather, all terrain, all traffic, all times of year.

When I take official Time Off? The *LAST* thing I want to do is trade my semi truck for a car and drive 200 miles or more one way to have dinner with a friend, etc.

YES!  Sometimes I do just that!  And the blessings outweigh the sacrifice.

But can you see where that may not be very resting, or recharging?

I went from this...

   to this!

Each and every one of my friends, and strangers along my path are worth every second of the very most pure and best attention I can give them!! God has poured SOOOOOO much into me, and to whom much is given, much is required.

Look at it this way ---- when you first notice a tickle, or scratchy throat?  Or an ache, like a low fever.  What's the first thing you instinctively do?  You change your diet, fluid intake, start pumping up your Immune System, add water and rest, you wash more frequently to ward off disease, and try to back away from others to protect them and to minimize your exposure until you are Top Notch again.

Our bodies, God's Creation is so fearfully and wonderfully made!!!

The same Fight Or Flight is true energetically.

I could stop right there. That last line said it all.....  sit with it a minute.....

.... wait for it.....

.... breathe.....

Energetically, I tuck and roll.  I have had some of the very WORST mankind can throw at me. And some of the best. In every turn, God has taken my mess and made it into my Message. He's taken every test, and turned  it into my Testimony. He's taken everything the enemy meant to harm me, and turned it into my Greater Good.  And so, I roll back to my feet, dust off, hide behind blue eyes, grin and move on.

Deliberately.

I have what some people dream of - - -A job I love, a freedom, an income, a happy go lucky lifestyle....

With work? I am often physically exhausted. I get the privilege of working 70 hour weeks.  This overlaps day and night shifts in a constant, never ending roll.  I don't get to stop the truck to exercise, eat, rest, worship, or even just to walk a few minutes. I've been driving to my limits, pulling over, parking and never even getting out of the truck, I go lay down.  Wake up tired and in pain, and start the cycle again.  Why?! Yet, you gotta know? ???  I am aware how blessed to have a job at all, and to enjoy it, and make a substantial income  is a matter I am FULL of GRATITUDE and running over.

Upon realizing my friendships have become "text message" and impersonal?  Brief and random?  I also noticed something that weighs me down:  As a whole, people talk about what is WRONG in their world. They bust out with the negatives, the things that make them mad, sad, or uncomfortable.

Even though I am exceptionally sunny and optimistic as a person? It's all too easy to fall into the rut of imitating or commiserating. In other words, now I find myself talking about my aches, my pains, my stresses...  it comes out in conversations like this, "Oh yeah? You think that was bad? Let me tell you MY terrible experience. Trust me. Mine is worse than yours, so you should be grateful."

SAY WHAT?!?!?!

The Lion inside me just shook her head, yawned, extended her claws and gave out a healthy ROOOOOAR of indignation!!!!

JAN!!! STOP!!!!!  redirect!!!!!!!!!!!

I find myself so tired, so weary in body and spirit.  So drained emotionally and energetically.


So NOPE!  I don't want  to see anyone! Ever! I draw inside and think "more sleep, more work, more time alone" will fix me.

In reality, a piece of me dies inside.  A moment passes, and Time that I will never get back is *POOF!  Gone!  This grieves me....

... Time kept going while I flounder in a rut... my friends move on.... their circumstances ride the roller coaster.... and I've lost precious Time to show God's love. To be of service... to be God's hands, feet and voice,,, all while I have to work double time to reorganize my thoughts and attitudes.

Lately, I've told a few people that I trust,,, that I need to back up a bit. I need some "space" ((( sounds weird  - hello! You're by yourself!))).... I need a break....

The realization is this : I can and will remain available to listen, to be there, to understand if someone is struggling or riding out a rough patch. I can and will hug, hold your hand, look you in the eyes, and absorb the energy of tears, laughter and emotions....

 But I need to correct my attitude. I need to emotionally, physically, and spiritually recharge.  It's time to get alone with God and to purge all the anxiety, sadness and disarray... to give it all to Him again.

That's what I LOVE about God giving humans free will.  We can CHOOSE to look up, to seek Him, and to allow God to be in control..... we can also choose to stay in the negatives surrounding our external circumstances... but happily, we can CHOOSE liberty and dominion.


In seven days, actual Changes, shifts and new beginnings will become apparent. Ironically, some of you already know what's coming. Some of you will miss it, letting Change slip right past your notice. And some of you will wonder when the dust settles? "What just happened here, cuz I didn't see that coming." even though I'm hiding in plain sight, currently covered among the stuff.  Like Gideon of the Old Testament... there are big changes coming up. And God is grooming me, pruning me, and shaping my Destiny!

When the new Chapter starts to pen the next page of my life story? I will be an even better woman, a better servant, a better friend, and better family, and a better person..... for YOU and for myself.

When Sunrise turns into sunset it is time to roll on~

~J~
Jan M. Olsen

The Who

"Behind Blue Eyes"

No one knows what it's like

To be the bad man

To be the sad man

Behind blue eyes

No one knows what it's like

To be hated

To be fated

To telling only lies

But my dreams

They aren't as empty

As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely

My love is vengeance

That's never free

No one knows what it's like

To feel these feelings

Like I do

And I blame you

No one bites back as hard

On their anger

None of my pain and woe

Can show through

But my dreams

They aren't as empty

As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely

My love is vengeance

That's never free

When my fist clenches, crack it open

Before I use it and lose my cool

When I smile, tell me some bad news

Before I laugh and act like a fool

If I swallow anything evil

Put your finger down my throat

If I shiver, please give me a blanket

Keep me warm, let me wear your coat

No one knows what it's like

To be the bad man

To be the sad man

Behind blue eyes

Smelling Flowers Along The Way

After a long, extra cold Winter, I am enjoying Spring and the South.  Whether it's the good sweet iced tea, or just the aw shucks, good manners? Loving being "home"...

Looking back over journals, emails, logs etc I see reminders of the Process.  Divorce itself was just a piece of paper after too many years of _______ (fill in the blank, because I don't care anymore.) However, Empty Nest was a maelstrom  of pain, loss, anger and my roots being ripped away.  It was like Spring, Summer and Fall were over and a blizzard of Winter ate me into barely hanging by a thread. Knowing most pains and seasons get better, but spending dark times wondering if I could hold up. 

Then shaking it off!  Getting my CDL, putting our lifetime of "Remember Whens" into storage units, getting a PO Box and a friend to let me use her home as a physical address for my license - - I flew into Dallas, TX in July 2007 to embark on something new, unexpected and a touch wild!

Somewhere along the Journey of the past decade and beyond, I lost myself, found someone new. Someone strong, independant, fearless in many ways.  I have learned to be excited by new opportunities, Change and the What Ifs.  Blessed to keep old friends and family, reunite with others, and to open my heart to the possibilities of new people, places and things.

Recently, I drove through the Maggie Valley area of the Great Smokey Mountains. As far back as 2004, Lewis and I drove up from Lake County Florida with my two girls to go snow skiing. We wanted to enjoy the girls being at home during their JR/SR high school years and find snow. 

Then, my very first expedition as a completely solo, lonely, broken single woman with Empty Nest, I rode my motorcycle from Lake County to camp 8 days in a tent in Deep Creek, near Bryson City, NC also in the Great Smokey Mountains National Park.  It was 22 degrees that October, but this Florida gal rode up to 12 hours a day enjoying Autumn, the Nantahala River, the  318 curves in 11 miles of the Dragon of Deal's Gap, the Blue Ridge Parkway... and just the mapping the trip, to the long ride up there.... Well?  I left a broken, drifting woman... and came back as the beginning of the stronger current version of myself.

Even getting my CDL and suddenly having more time off, more money, more travelling experiences?  I still see in my writings how LONELY I was. How I craved roots.  A home.  A companion. A family. As time went on, my dogs retired from travelling with me.  That is a very big hole still in me today. 

June 8, 2008 I prayed back through in Cooper City, Florida.  There I found such love, such hope... if God has a human face? There was patient love and concern at the church there. 

Over time, the loneliness has eased. Yes, still flare ups. Holidays are rough. Missing my girls like crazy. I suppose I still think about a companion... although, by now, I think a dog would be plenty.  And I am growing in the LORD, finding the servant's heart and giving of my affection, finances, attention to those I meet along the way. Staying connected through church, social media, and nurturing relationships with family and friends,,, when the easy way out would be to just stay in my own shell. Seems the "safer" way would be to keep to myself. 

But God has poured so much grace and mercy into me. I have a testimony. I am blessed with abundance - tangible and the unseen, unmeasurable. I encounter Love everywhere I go, and try to reflect that Light out again.  To be the hands, feet, voice,,, to be used of God. Truth - you can NOT outgive God!

Lately, my musings have begun to repeat themselves. WHERE DO I WANT TO LIVE? Where do I want to work?  Why am I doing any of this?  I suppose after 7 years out here, it's reasonable to want to question WHAT'S NEXT?

Just this past week, it felt like going "home" when I drove a load through Asheville, Sylva, Bryson City etc. Saw familiar stores, mom and pop diners, and familiar routes I explored on my motorcycle that Autumn of 2006. 

A new longing has been gnawing me - when I do take "Time Off" I want it to be in the wild, untamed mountains, rivers, and open lands.  South Florida is choking my spirit.  But where would I go to church? Park my motorcycle, car, boat, receive my mail if I leave the familiarity and church of South Florida?

Gosh, is it time to hold my nose and jump off the Deep End again?  The churning in my tummy lets me know I am on to something.  One chapter is sliding off the page,,, the new pages beckoning. 

Someone I trust said some very kind things about words I had shared.  They have stirred me so I am copying them here .

 "Dear Poet: I have been reading your words for a few years now.  This particular entry has sensuality without sex, love without obligation, and care without expectation.  It reads like a chapter from a beautiful "inspired by" biography. "

We write in the pages of the Life we have been given, we all do this. We Process in ways that are as varied  as we are individual.  My Go To is to write.  Sometimes I reach out, often, the old habits of tucking and rolling to protect myself kick in and I do not share. 

My friend's words stir affirmations in me. I like that he sees these traits in me, and plan to live up to them, if only for myself. To be the best version of myself that I can be.  Challenge accepted!

My Intention for 2014 was shared in private with my oldest daughter.  It was simply "To Love".  The deep explanation, is not just to love others more (the EASY PART!), but to allow others to love me.  Letting others pour what they have of talents, wishes, hopes and dreams into the mixing pot. Even when someone has nothing to offer in material measures of the world and our spoiled culture, if they love one another as Christ so loved? To open myself. To enjoy this world with others, on their Journeys.  The Flow of Giving and Receiving of insights, experiences, valuables unclogged from my fears and reticence.

To become vulnerable again after all these years of SELF: Determination, Reliance,  Provision, Love, Care.

I see the fruits of this awareness when I begin to experience  passions, such as a desire to live somewhere, to belong, to have roots, foundation and a base to support the  branches available to be by my job as an over the road truck driver.

That allowing LOVE in scares me? Signs like blinking neon that I am to move towards this unknown. 

I've stared into the abyss. I've wished for death, I've tread water. I've stepped out of my Comfort Zone. I've created, recreated and created myself over and again. 

It's just now that I see the sweet stirrings of Spring in my life as well as the natural world. From the pungent flowers, to the myriad colors, to the sounds of life around me, I am drawn out of my truck, my comfort, and my hiding place into the world around me. 

It's a lot like riding my motorcycle. Put the helmet on, create the environment, and let go! Blowing the cobwebs out, releasing tensions, trying new things, taking a "wrong" turn and letting Life show me her majesty! 

Years ago, I could not abide the bittersweet of Country music. Getting to where I can avoid the harsh pain and enjoy the hopeful happiness.  Reminded that Brad Paisley's "When I Get Where I'm Going" says what my words can not convey. "Yeah when I get where I'm goin,

There'll be only happy tears. I will shed the sins and struggles, I have carried all these years. And I'll leave my heart wide open, I will love and have no fear. Yeah when I get where I'm goin, Don't cry for me down here."

The link to Brad's YouTube video is here ---->>>   When I Get Where I'm Going

Writing my own story,

Janet M. Olsen

~J~

"When  Get Where I'm Going"

(Feat. Dolly Parton)
When I get where I'm going,
On the far side of the sky,
The first thing I'm gonna do
Is spread my wing and fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion,
And run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what its like,
To ride a drop of rain

(Chorus)
Yeah when I get where I'm goin,
There'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles 
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm goin,
Don't cry for me down here

I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy.
And he'll match me step for step.
And I'll tell him how I missed him
Every minute sence he left,
Then I'll hug his neck.

(Repeat chorus)

So much pain and so much darkness,
In this world we stumble through.
All these questions I can't answer,
And so much work to do

But when I get where I'm goin,
And I see my maker's face,
I'll stand forever in the light,
Of his amazing Grace.

Yeah when I get where I'm goin,
There'll be only happy tears.
I will love and have no fear.

When I Don't Know What To Say....

.....  it doesn't mean I have it all together or am at peace. 

Although, that being the gut honesty of it all?  I am still kicking furiously to stay afloat. So far, it is working.  I am here again today.

Until yesterday, I had been thoroughly enjoying a season of peace, quiet, blessings, and gratitude.  I had begun to test out the ideas of letting love in or out of me.  Concerned now that I had grown lulled and complacent, I trusted "Life" with too much of me. Will I ever learn? Seems not.

Yesterday I was assailed boom - boom- BOOM with input.  JCT/ HAEI/ Stevens/ FFE ,,,, and JayJ.

Yeah, that's right. THAT JayJ. 

 Finally, I had taken all the hits I could absorb, closed the books on a very troubled day.  To unwind and try to let it all go, I drifted into the musical arms of Wayman Tisdale, smooth jazz.

However, when I went to bed after a long day at work, I had a physical ache in my chest.  Uncertainties, memories,  fears,,, in the middle of the night, I found myself rubbing my breastbone in great pain of an old broken bone.  I remembered a recent time when breathing was dangerous to my concealment, painful to my body, and not anything I wanted to continue,,, but like an ocean's tide it kept coming in, going out, coming in, going out.  I could only hold it back for so long, and the pent up fury of release was often more effort than if I had just let it be.  I know the terrors to be Mind Monsters, and I know I "failed" to take away their teeth.  Tired smile here.

Aware that opportunities present themselves when least expected, they may come with a tinge of fear.  That fear can be healthy, if it is just a sign that I am straining to stay with the Known.  I am well-acquainted with that kind of propulsion fuel to move into new dimensions and unchartered Possibilities.

 This Present Fear is a forfeiture of my safety in the  physical or emotional.  I am being hunted like an animal. A strong word for that is stalked, and here I go again, making excuses for being here in the first place.

Today, the Present, I am stopped at a dead standstill.  I admit it, I use work to numb me out, and just keep going.  Often, it's easier to apply the 20 minute, 20 year rule that way.  Truck drivers earn money by miles driven, not sitting due to poor driver utilization.  Yes, I think too much, too deep 24/7 but it is extra hyperdrive when I am just sitting!

Then again, do I trust God as I think I do???  Does he have me in his view, his hands, and his plans? Or not?  Days like today make me walk the talk .  It IS NOT ABOUT THE MONEY!!!  It's about sitting in BFE with nothing to do, no good reason to sit here, just GROUNDED like an errant child!  Not because of truck or driver issues, but because my company failed to plan to use my truck and driver resources with any competency at all.  The places I might visit on a day off are unavailable to my 70ft combination vehicle. I am just STUCK!  And obviously I am grumpy about it!

I must say, even grouchy as I am today, God uses unusual media to whisper to my spirit.  Text messages TODAY from a lady with 4 kids that has lost her job and is  going though a divorce, puts me in my whiny place.  I am blessed.  Flip the coin, and JayJ texted me again and has inserted himself in my work and daily living to tell me where I should live, work, play.

Just when I am ready to turn my phone off to tune out the bad influences?

A Facebook friend and mentor, Matt Maddix, posts out of the blue "The longer I travel this journey, the more that I value quiet and thinking time. God usually will speak when we are still." #mattmaddixmotivations.


  I realize that I am so accustomed to self-made constant fire and ice motion in my life, that I was basically just told by God and his ambassador to "sit down and shut up"... God wants to speak.

A moment later, another Facebook friend, Tim Janis posts a photo he took today of his cat, Reno, taking time to smell the lilacs.  And I am chastened again, to STOP.

Stop moving. Stop thinking.  Stop complaining.  Stop planning.

 Stop trying to make E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G make sense. 

As another friend taught me in recent months, "Let it go. Rest.  The greatest thing God created was the day of rest."  My humble gratitude here.

Time for the best quote of all, God himself speaking in HIS word:  2 Corinthians 13:1
 This [is] the third [time] I am coming to you. In the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established.

I can hear the Verizon guy quipping "Can you hear me now????"

The surprising turn of events and contacts has me feeling like a bug must as his hiney goes through his ears as he hits my windshield.  Amazing, how a mood can turn from top of the world, to fear or black mistrust of Life in a snap or a text.

I do have a choice, though.  I can stay here.  Or I can face this moment, just as it presents itself.  Stay with it.  Feel and experience it all. The trick is to not STAY there, in pain, but after identifying and processing it, to CHOOSE to shift and direct myself back to what inspires, heals, loves and nurtures me.

I really was believing and liking all the recent love and light and peace.  This bad spot in the road can NOT be what is meant for me to accept.  It can only be a lesson.

So when I do not know what to say?  It is clear. It is time to say nothing at all.  Thank you Matt Maddix (and  4year old Phoebe).  I will be quiet in God.

Thank you, Tim Janis and Reno the feline teacher, I will be STILL and experience my Present Moment with all of my senses. I will enjoy God speaking to me with inaudible whispers of love and blessings.

I will CHOOSE to rest in God, in His safety, in his nourishment and seek Him while he may be found.  Staying Present and open, malleable to the Potter.

I will leave my heart and mind open as fallow ground to the Master Gardener, weeding out the distractions and pain.

I will choose to forgive. Again, I will forgive again. Then I will let go. I do not have to stay here. I can make today to pop with potential and possibilities.

Thankful for the brave influences of those that speak THEIR truth, never knowing where it affects another by imitation or emulation.

Already, the ache in my chest is of releasing my held breath, exhaling out the dusty cloud of pain and fear, and of relief to have stayed the course.  Love. Gratitude. Forgiveness.

When I don't know what to say?  God knows.

Quiet, still, listening,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

When I Don't Know What To Say...

.... maybe nothing at all is best?  Then, it all just dies with me.

Today was coming at me from all sides. I am winding down with Wayman Tisdale, smooth jazz.  Something not many would understand.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8RtZXFhQ02U&NR=1

JCT/Stevens/ FFE/ HAEI/

JayJ

Out of the blue all approached me today in one form or another.  Of them all?  Yeah. JayJ .... what now. No sanctuary.  It was all just a pretense of safety.

Just as freely as I have experienced love, light, and joy to flow,  the clench in my chest, the remembered pain of the bone there, the mention of his name has closed the door and I am back in the cave of pain and darkness.  The one where silence is my only hope of survival.

Blindsided. Just like old times.

I could ask why now? What does it matter? He is everywhere I go. And still claims me.

Suddenly weary, going straight to bed. 

I wanted to believe.  I really did.

If you can hear me now?

Dallas.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Letting Go I Win, Holding On I Lose

That title is old, coming from the LIFE CHANGING radically impacting podcast from Dr. Charles Stanley in his "Blessings in Brokeness" series June 2008.  That message stripped me naked, and allowed spiritual healing to fully begin. In a sense, they were my Walls of Jericho, and they sustained a mortar hit of cataclysmic proportions. 

The next phrase to hit me as strongly, in its Simple In Its Beauty- kind of way is "What am I holding onto that is no longer serving me?" 

Funny, how years apart and sources EXTREMELY varied, the same inner message is revisited and made new in its timelessness.

Letting Go...

This is an area, among many that I struggle with. A few segments would be the storage shed I keep of homemade Christmas ornaments, hand prints, and Play Doh hearts on strings.  Most everything points  to "back when I had a family".  Of course, I still have the same family members, even new faces.

After sitting all day at a shipper and being lazy, resting, I got up and felt led to some deeper meditations.  They were not new. But I was asked to treat them like it was the very first time.  Much as a Christian, we look back and remember our fervor, joy, and zeal in the "First Love" when we give our lives to God.

What I found there is challenging me.  At the moment, it has me raw, and a cross between a laugh and a cry.  It is not that there is work to do.  As long as I  breathe, I will have more that can be accomplished.  It is wrestling inside with feelings of frustration and of failure.  I SHOULD BE able to get closure and I SHOULD BE able to forgive and grow onward.

Yet, I am holding on. To negative thoughts. To old ways. To my past. To anchors that have become weights, no longer grounding me, but holding me down.

So, I write with a vex in my spirit, and no answer.

I know what I need to do.  I stand poised to act. And I back away,, and sit there, remaining in my confusion.

THe decision is mine. The choice is mine. The action to take is mine.

WHAT AM I HOLDING ON TO????

No answer,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Sing With Me, "How Great Is Our God"

Today was a prime example of being reminded full on just how O-O-O God is.  Many of you know me, and remember that is one of my favorite  truths of God- Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient.

Time = a temporal length of event or entity's existence (http://www.thesaurus.com/)

Some of the reminders came from words, well-timed, carefully chosen, and steadfastly presented in emails, comments, texts and conversations.  All of these communication require a sender and a receiver. Perfect timing. Often days in between the orginal and the reply, yet on time, each and every time.  Time :)

Twice today alone, the brad was tacked into my heart by God himself, moving my 80,000 pound truck in JUST THE NICK OF TIME. Twice, vehicles illegally merged into my path. Both times, the instinct to save them, caused me to swerve and fishtail. Both times, vehicles in the next lane to my left also had to readjust.  Each time, the merging offender glared balefully at me even though I am  "Slower Traffic In The Right Lane".  Sigh.... my pet peeve. TWICE!

I also received glad tidings from my youngest daughter.  The new baby is a boy!!!  Young Abraham Anton Johnson should make his appearance into our world approximately July 5, 2011. His big brother, Jeremiah Alon Johnson, will be about 16 months old.  Mom and baby are doing great thus far!

Alisha gave me the go ahead to  shout it out and tell family members and friends!  My first was a text message blitz. The next was to call my Mom & Dad.  Later, I called Michael too. A very few emails and then a FB blast!

It is very painful talking to my Mom. What ,,,, ahhh, I don't even know how to say it. I want to just love her, forgive her, and go on loving her even if unreturned.  But it is hard. I'm a big girl, this shouldn't be bugging me still, but it is.

Hurt today by people, my body weary of the struggle to survive.

Then, as my life opens up to new people? New risks. Today, especially, I am very raw and in need of clarity and respite.

People. Ideas. New ways. Old paths. Soveriegn God.

Weak Jan.

Always loathing my weakness.

So, this is it. Closing this in pain of the heart and mind tonight. In need of alone time with God and Him alone. No one else can fill the void within me ...

So the blessing of today, is that I drove many many miles, to arrive at the receiver at 7:30pm Tuesday for an appointment at 0700, Wednesday.  I am first in the gate. They will take me in at 0300.  In Weston, FL, just 5 minutes from my car and old apartment.

Away from resteraunts, people, other cars, I am parked under an old oak tree, dripping with the ancient Spanish moss of my childhood.  It is no accident that I am here alone, safe. Time carved out for me and God, face to face.

I do not have the heart to sing tonight to anyone or anything. But I will.  It is called a sacrifice of praise. For tonight, I feel even more unworthy than usual. But God knows all. Is all powerful. And is everywhere.  How great is our God.

Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Grateful For Simplicity

This morning, I walked by the Garden Center in a north FL Walmart. My Inspiration-button was struck by the simplicity of the barren, pruned, winterized Fruit trees for sale. Sometimes, my Life seems barren or cut back to very little. Today, I'm reminded, Spring is coming. Simplicity has its time and season for healthy growth and development.

All of Life is about Change. From the sanctity of the womb, to our last breath of air drawn into our lungs, we morph and change at incredible rates. As a person? I wish I could say I embrace Change as it would make the ups and downs so much easier to roll with and enjoy the Process. If I were completely honest, though, I would say I resist it. Since this growth and change are inevitable? All I am doing is stressing out over the very portions of my life that could use the most Serenity and gentleness.

Life has a way of sitting you down and taking you to task when you forget the truths and absolutes. Sometimes, I think to myself that I am doing just fine, at least for the moment, right where I am at that second. Then WHAM! A shift! The rug is pulled. The brick wall rises out of seeming Nowhere. Or the curve banks too sharply and I fight to make the bank and turn with grace.

I live alone. Wake, eat, work, play, love, sleep,,, alone. So I have to talk to others outside of myself when I want to bounce an idea or when I need someone to lovingly hold me accountable. Community is so key, however one finds it for themselves.  A church assembly and its leaders. A sports venue. A musical crew. A blog, or email, placed out into Cyber Land for review. Family and friends. Trusted souls that hold that remarkable place in your heart as mentors, best friends, the faithful warriors.

A very recent event epitomizes the speed of Change, my reactions, and the results. I rely on my laptop and the internet to keep me connected. On it, I can talk to people, watch people, listen, study, try new things. I can share my photos and musings.  Over a period of a month, my laptop began to experience instabilities. While I used to be a programmer and an electronics repair guru, I have not tried anything beyond the basics since the 1990s and I have been left behind by the amazing advances of the times. Life bouncing around on a semi truck is tedious. Heat, cold, vibrations, jostling, power outages... so many variables.  The problem with the current laptop could be anything.

Friends thought it was a software issue. Best Buy says, pay $199 up front for us to diagnose and repair. They came back saying it was in need of a new hard drive for an additional purchase. Then I had to buy Windows.  I became frustrated by the run around and asked to retrieve the laptop as is from Best Buy.

   A man at my church took it Sunday and found bad registry. He reformatted it entirely and put Windows 7 on it, along with Microsoft Office (YES!!!!!).  What's more? He did all of this for $50 and it was ready Monday afternoon.  This brother even drove to an exit off the interstate, I pulled over my semi and we made the exchange there!!!

Meanwhile, I will confess, I went through withdrawals. But, it is humbling to look at the weeks of limited use, and then the scary weekend of limbo and see that I could hear better in the silence. I saw this coming, and made an effort to slow my rambling, thinking, flitting brain down to a slower pace.

I experimented with new guided meditations. I closed my eyes and breathed slowly on purpose. I asked God to not give up on me, to please say it again for Hard heads like me.  I wanted to hear what God, Life, and Earth were wanting to tell me.  A few times, I gave in to the weak side of myself and vented frustration. But I worked hard to rein that in and just let Life take me where it needed me to go.

I went to an acoustic concert. I went to church. I stood out under the starry night and felt the dew on my skin. I took gym and separate Yoga classes. I slept alot, which was much needed. I arranged to have visitation with my old dog, Addy and we hiked, went to the dog park, and napped together, snuggled and sharing joy. I have socialized more in the last two months outside of my work and my church than I have in probably the last years my daughters were at home and I was a band and soccer mom.

Alot of those things I do anyway. But this time, when the thought came to look online, maybe for directions? Maybe for lyrics? Maybe to plan my next days, weeks, months in rapid- fire fashion as I usually make lists to do?  Maybe to write? I sagged, "Oh, that's right. You don't have a computer for an unspecified time."

I just don't manifest much patience or grace with myself when it comes to change. I am still mulling over how to improve this area of my life. The last decade recreated my family structure and ideals so many times, I lost count. People came in and out, homes, jobs, health at such an alarming rate?  And I was a real jerk about it.

Going forward, as I allow the pruning and shaping of my Life, I am only keeping the people that are positive for me. Whether we are bonded by blood or just by minutes? If you drag me down or hurt me, I am not continuing the association. I am seeking actively to learn what is healthy, nurturing, and fruitful for my life.

As this Process goes along, crossing the calendar years, I am so grateful to see the Progress. So blessed to begin to recognize Simplicity and to embrace the Changes.  I am not Wonder Woman. My mistakes are plentiful and painful.  I have to apologize and make amends ALOT.

The fruit trees at Wal-mart today? Made my heart thud in excitement because Spring follows Winter. But it also made my heart hurt to realize, that there is even more giving up to do. Even more Process to navigate. Even more Change to allow. And I walked away sobered, questioning.

 The human frailty of me first said, "HOW MUCH MORE, GOD!?"

My second question, almost as fast was, "Can I do it?"

The trees come with a guarantee. Life does not. All it promises is that THINGS WILL CHANGE.

The sooner I "LET GO and LET GOD", the easier it will be not to get hurt along the way by my own resistances.

So I end this, by affirming, even if only to myself, that I * WILL BE* Grateful for new growth and simplicity.

My becoming the best I can be depends on it.

Feeling Spring in the air,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

What A Song!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2diIeBEmvWw
Five Finger Death Punch-"Far From Home"

Great song in a great album, enjoy. [Lyrics] Verse 1 Another day in this carnival of souls Another nights ends, end as quickly as it goes The memories are shadows; ink on the page And i can't seem to find my way home Chorus And it's almost like Your heaven's trying everything You.......

Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them. Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891 Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 - 1900

Moved a weight around in my chest. It's still there. It just shifted. Not sure what to do or where to go next.
Was COMPLETELY blindsided. And OH!! I hate being snuck up on!!!

Wow,,, go to sleep now? Riiiiight.
jmo
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
The episode of my favorite TV show that I watched, tonight it wasn't about the murders this time. It was about the family of the killer.
In the end, an adult woman whose father was a serial killer  when she was in elementary school,  asked what was wrong with her that she couldn't hate her father?

This hit me soooo hard!  I ask myself ALL THE TIME
 "HOW can you forgive your dad?"

"WHY can't you forgive your mother?"

Both haunt me.  I can forgive so much,, and I do try,, to forgive her, even thought she is freaking clueless and still turns her back to me.  The correct order of roles was reversed somehow?  I had to protect HER??!!  WTH!

I want peace,, especially before she goes,, but she doesn't know,, or care,,, that I have ought with her.

Once, when I was in junior high I asked her, what would she do if she knew Dad was doing something to Michael or me? Her response was swift, full of venom and distorted her features- "I WOULD KILL HIM!"

Well, alrighty then, *itch!!! YOU  chose to never be around!! YOU chose to drop me off!  YOU chose to not SEE me!!  YOU chose to not take care of things.... and YOU want to kill HIM!??!  Like Heck! 

So,,, i kept my silence...
In the TV episode tonight??? The daddy kills the mom.
UGH!!!!

Still Here and There

It's been a day or so since I have entered into the blog.  No real reason. Not over busy at work. Not any one thing I can pinpoint.  A myriad of Life Experiences.  Learning to be grateful for every turn in my roads. So fallible.  So human.

For a long time, I thought I was making progress in the equilibrium of the chaos of my life, health, relationships, P-P-F, spiritual walk, etc.

I'm still not ready to fully discuss what all happened the weekend of December 4, 2010 when I went to see Angel. I am still trying to weed out the blessings from among the thorns.  I was a TERRIBLE person... and it just breaks my heart. I can't do that again. EVER.

The up-side is that this weekend of Dec 11-12th was out of this world amazing!  Angel and I both have bittersweet gifts of forgiving, trusting souls.... and it stood us in good stead!  Then to share a part of our lives (church) with my brother, Michael???  Was just unspeakeable glory and abundant merciful grace.

Also, not able to share the details of this time either.

Matter of fact, not sure why I am writing here, this minute at all????  I have so many scraps of paper,, journal pages, notes began on the word processor, email drafts to myself, that I didn't even send TO ME.... I am bound up in knots in my words.

That is another sad thing,, I had been doing SO GOOD to let all the scars and wounds get healing air.... and I screwed up so bad that I am ashamed to even write it.

ALthough, it happened?? It just tears me apart.

I sat in my truck, for more than an hour today. Mesmerized, turning my hands over, and over, and over.  Looking at the scars. Plenty to look at. Callouses, scars, disfigurements.

Of special note were the injuries 1 yr, 2 yrs, a decade old. How did they heal? At what point did infection or injury turn the corner to new tissue, stronger joints, bones, skin? I remember each step. Especially the March 2009 Dallas-born, crescent shaped scar where I had nine stitches, lost a piece of bone, and GOD grew a new joint UP to meet the knuckle line, and then GOD closed an infected, swollen, fevered, oozing wound that wouldn't even support stitches.

How did I get here? When did I lose control?
So,, there is a a damn dam in my spirit where only recently I had pulled my finger out of the dyke and the hell inside broke loose in a fury, a raging torrent of words,  and then formed to a more meaningful river,,,

now?  i am still here.  Still going there. 

One day,,, one breath,,,, one decision.... one at a time.

Janet M. Olsen
~J~

Out of Plumb Line

After this past weekend and it's upheaval with my dear Angel, I am feeling keenly just how out of plumb my  intrinsic thoughts, emotions, wishes, hopes, dreams, relationships, and spiritual walk is lately.

 Looking outward? Well, I  need to confess, I did my share of that too. What ancient truths have came to my fore, though, is that it is what's inside of ME that is attracting to me and radiating out of me. It's an inward condition, my own personal responsibilty.

Getting fed up with being in a position to have to admit, "I don't like who I am seeing reflected back to me from the mirrors into my Inner Being."

I was reminded of the scientific principle to a plumb line today at my Miami shipper. After reluctantly getting back in the driver's seat to return to work, I did an unusual thing. I agreed to convoy down there with one of my elders. I had an ESP that I needed his company and escort. Sure enough, it was downtown Miami in a rough neighborhood with an industrial section crammed into its tight spaces. Reminds me of Aspen Distribution on Vail Ave, Montebello, CA (eastern Los Angeles). Not a truck friendly area, predominantly poor Spanish people, that leaves me nervous if I have to stay roadside overnight. I don't speak Spanish. I can ask for Los Banos, but then don't understand the reply :)

At this shipper, the two docks go INTO the building about 15 feet. Gives a vertigo to back in and lose sight of my trailer doors until I feel a solid KER-THUMP as concrete meets metal in a teeth jarring experience. I am a GREAT truck driver. I backed in off that residential street, dodging mutts, cats, and threading the debris of cars of yesteryear, straight shot - right to the dock!!  Yet, THREE TIMES a shrill whistle and waving, gesturing arms, accompanied by unintelligible Spanish hollering,,,, I was directed to pull up, realign, back in again.

 No matter how straight my tractor, trailer was to itself, my elder trucking neighbor, the street or the side of the building??? There was a 8 inch gap on the right side of my trailer to the dock. I tried over and again to psyche my mind out, to park "out of angle". No luck. The building is off plumb line.

At last!!!  A visualization of how I am feeling in my interaction with myself, with others, with my world I live in, and with my ineffable Spiritual connections.

Hmmmm..... get that last one in synch and the rest may line up? That just came clear as I type this.

I have been embroiled in a spiritual Erocylodon. Feeling like the nose of my Life's vessel has run aground, where things are simply done by rote memory, because that's the way they have always been done, all while the hinder part of my being is out in the Currents of Change. My self-walls, fortress, and foundations are being torn asunder with opposing spiritual and emotional integral forces.

Somewhere between a feisty pussy cat and a royally provoked lion, I am "becoming" someone new.

Change is good. No stranger to recreating my own Reality? I have been here too many times. I want to just "be good".... be worthy,, be of service, be loving, compassionate, and still yearn to be loved.

So, if I have wreaked any havoc or caused harm, while my personal "building" is being aligned into the "NEW PLUMB LINE"?

Please forgive me. How may I make amends?

In a search, I found info on Kinesiology. It explains that the Definition of Erect Posture is one where an individual is standing at attention or told to stand up straight. This posture needs conscious control. It holds a plumb line from ear lobe, tip of the sholuder, center of the hip and knee, and anterior to the ankle joint.

When all is said and done? My prayer for my personal character and integrity, is that I stand consciously in control of myself,  erect, with an authentic, honest plumb line.

Please, anyone who finds this, by invitation or divine design, I implore you - HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE TO THIS HIGHER GOAL AND NECESSARY CHARACTER GROWTH.

So grateful. So humbled. So broken. So pliable in the Master's Hands.

Jan M. Olsen
~J~

The Life Of a Fairy Tale

To see the rest, will need to scroll down, Even my petty annoyances are looming larger than life. I cant figure it out :-/

Blessed. Grateful. Bequeathed a gift.

Those are the answers to "What is the blessing?"

I'm still bound up inside. Too much so to spit it out on type or paper.  Unfortunately, I doubt myself, that I can make it rated PG 13... Right now everything from this weekend is still very BIG to me.  Out of proportion.  Inappropriate.

No longer angry, I am just hurt.  A smidgen mad at myself that I can't STAY mad long enough ,,, lol.  That may be an odd thing to say?  But, Right, Wrong, and Grey it took THREE to tango this weekend.  I'm no angel, and I was rude and out of line... but I was also run over and taken advantage of.  Mack truck-style.

I am wrong. I was wrong. I acted wrong. Just lost tonight. Of all the good that can be said of me? I am no hero, no warrior, no wonderful person in this weekend  Just clay, very marred clay.

So, this little jot will have to do temporarily.  I was going to the beach to get as close to the water as I could to meditate and pray,,, or scream and cry, ,,, or dance and spend myself, maybe all of that.


But frankly?  Being angry takes sooo much out of me.. It hurts my heart (and stomach) soooo much,,, that I am spent already. So I just drove back to my truck. Sitting in my car, parked by my truck.  I SO(!) do not want to get in that dark cave/jail cell....  For awhile at least,, I am sitting here in the cool of the evening,, trying not to give in to the tears of hurt, loss, shame, fears, and regret.
 
Angel called about the time I got to Ft. Meyers... she was too bright and casual, too bubbly and like tinkling brass.  She reminded me of the little cartoon  of the two dogs, one jumping in circles around the big dog" what are we gonna do today Spike? huh Spike? Huh Spike? huh? huh?"
 
That is one of the BLESSINGS is that both Angel and I are very forgiving souls. As for Aaron?  FLASH OF ANGER - I don't give a John Brown's Horse... hmmmm
 
But ,,, too near tears to stay on the fake side with Angel,, I just let her ramble in her nervous way.... and when travelling cell phone signal crackled, I was grateful to close the call.
 
I had looked so forward to seeing her.  I always carry months of "DID YOU SEE THATs??!?!" in my duffle bag,, collect music, scraps of paper, photos...  I am such a damned puppy dog, so eager to see Angel... or Alisha... or even my parents...
 
Either I am too intense? Or they just don't give a damn?  It is certainly one sided.
 
THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME TO BE SO WITH ANGEL THOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  She was my "STEADY" one,,,  Alisha is like me, passionate and on fire for life.  Angel was always the Rock of Gibralter.
 
I know, parents can't say they have favorite children.  And I do not say that now.  I do have distinctly different relationships with each of them as individual people.
 
Here's what I mean.
 
  Angel and I are very close spiritually. Traditionally. The slow, thoughtful, loving, careful side of our affections.  Very symbolic and holds on to "things" such as photos, gifts, knick knacks. Both Complacents.  Very much intellectual nerds and introverts. Very deep thinkers. Intercessors. Forgiving. Givers.  We give and receive love very similarly through touch and affection. Through word. We are both door mats and often overlooked and fairly content to be the soldier in the infantry, holding up the leadership round us. Servants. Musically gifted and our MAIN method of self-expression. Writers. Readers. Desire roots and foundations. The calm ember that just keeps the eternal flame.
 
Alisha and I both question EVERYTHING! We are very on fire and if the wood is wet, we can ignite it soon enough by nurturing the slightest flame.  EXTREMELY passionate, we FLASH from one end of the spectrum to the next. Shaking and baking!!  BIG DREAMERS!  Intellectual chess partners. We use music and dance to BLAST our way in an out of our emotions and desires. Athletic, driven to succeed.  Our affection is being close enough to touch, but content to have a visual line on our partner.  Spontaneous, methodical, practical and inventive, McGyver. Creative and always looking for the next excitement. Also readers and writers. Very outspoken in our physical releases, both what we say and don't say. Very likely to pop out with what's on our mind and sort it out later. Alisha is the Fun and the Light in my world ( when she was home as my girl). Lifeforce, glow, bounce, sparkle, excitement.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

One thing that torqued me even as I went down there was all the running they needed me to do for them, but Angel & Aaron are BOTH PROCRASTINATORS... it's good they married each other!   They collectively don't give a damn about who they inconvenience or hold up ,,,For instance, They would tell me "we need to leave by 9:30am to get to church by 10am",,,, I am at the door, keys in hand by 09:25am,,, Angel FINALLY puts her shoes on at 09:45m!!!  When I wanted to stop and get a bottle of water to take meds with??? They huff and puff we are running late.  Well WHO THE HECK RAN LATE DO YOU SUPPOSE?????

 That's just ONE example of an entire weekend of rubbing the wrong way!

Angel and I had specific matching rings.... she has taken hers off. She didnt have the balls to tell me ahead of time.  I found out last night, after the Induction Ceremony as we took photos outside, I reached around her, AS I ALWAYS DO, to take her hand and lace fingers, AS I ALWAYS DO, and the ring was missing.  She curled her fingers away,, letting me know it was for real.
 
I asked, calmly at first, did she take it off and just forget to put it back on?
 
Took her until today to get around to telling me the truth.  And the truth was not anything I wanted to hear.
 
And , abruptly, I know, the ring thing means more to me than OBVIOUSLY it does to anyone else,, soooo forget it,, moving on... I will have to work that out in my own head and heart.
 
AND GIVE UP AGAIN.
 
so anyway, goodnight,, this day has got to end soon. back to work, driving, when i drove all weekend.. so here we go,, off to the races,, when i never stopped running.
 
footnote: I did not tell, admit, confess whatever to Angel what I have been dealing with in my illness. I wanted to .  But just didn't get the vibe that it was the right time,, or that she is much intersted in anyone besides herself. (just a phase,, gotta believe it is just a phase,, )
 
hoping she is just going through something and is pulling in her wings to garner her reserve survival resources???
 
i can understand THAT...
 
Love her through it,, see her on the other end.
 
If i dont screw it all up by being a total jerk first...
 
But, I didnt even take my usual 15-20 pills regimen while there,, I really tried to keep how sick I am, how in pain my body is,, on the down low.
 
No worries there... she didnt know I was around.
JMO
CREED LYRICS

"A Thousand Faces"
I stand surrounded by the walls that once confined me
Knowing I'll be underneath them
When they crumble when they fall
With clarity my scars remind me
Ash still simmers just under my skin


Indifference smiles again
So much I hide
How is stepping back a move forward?
Now I'm forced to look behind
I'm forced to look at you


You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell which is you
Broken mirrors paint the floor
Why can't you see the truth
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell me which is you
Tell me which is you


Eerily time made no change
Pointing fingers, laying blame
Lying over and over and over and over
Deceiving your mind
Dug my grave...Trash my name


Yet here I stand so you won't fade away
Indifference smiles again
So much I hide
How is stepping back a move forward
Now I'm forced to look behind
I'm forced to look at you






You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell which is you
Broken mirrors paint the floor
Why can't you see the truth
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell me which is you
Tell me which is you






I bleed inside


Just let it out
I bleed inside
I'm gonna let it out
Let it die
Now I'm forced to look behind
I'm forced to look at you


You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell which is you
Broken mirrors paint the floor
Why can't you tell the truth


You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell me which is you
Tell me which is you
Tell me
Tell me
Tell me


You wear a thousand faces
Tell me which is you
Tell me which is you