Still Here and There

It's been a day or so since I have entered into the blog.  No real reason. Not over busy at work. Not any one thing I can pinpoint.  A myriad of Life Experiences.  Learning to be grateful for every turn in my roads. So fallible.  So human.

For a long time, I thought I was making progress in the equilibrium of the chaos of my life, health, relationships, P-P-F, spiritual walk, etc.

I'm still not ready to fully discuss what all happened the weekend of December 4, 2010 when I went to see Angel. I am still trying to weed out the blessings from among the thorns.  I was a TERRIBLE person... and it just breaks my heart. I can't do that again. EVER.

The up-side is that this weekend of Dec 11-12th was out of this world amazing!  Angel and I both have bittersweet gifts of forgiving, trusting souls.... and it stood us in good stead!  Then to share a part of our lives (church) with my brother, Michael???  Was just unspeakeable glory and abundant merciful grace.

Also, not able to share the details of this time either.

Matter of fact, not sure why I am writing here, this minute at all????  I have so many scraps of paper,, journal pages, notes began on the word processor, email drafts to myself, that I didn't even send TO ME.... I am bound up in knots in my words.

That is another sad thing,, I had been doing SO GOOD to let all the scars and wounds get healing air.... and I screwed up so bad that I am ashamed to even write it.

ALthough, it happened?? It just tears me apart.

I sat in my truck, for more than an hour today. Mesmerized, turning my hands over, and over, and over.  Looking at the scars. Plenty to look at. Callouses, scars, disfigurements.

Of special note were the injuries 1 yr, 2 yrs, a decade old. How did they heal? At what point did infection or injury turn the corner to new tissue, stronger joints, bones, skin? I remember each step. Especially the March 2009 Dallas-born, crescent shaped scar where I had nine stitches, lost a piece of bone, and GOD grew a new joint UP to meet the knuckle line, and then GOD closed an infected, swollen, fevered, oozing wound that wouldn't even support stitches.

How did I get here? When did I lose control?
So,, there is a a damn dam in my spirit where only recently I had pulled my finger out of the dyke and the hell inside broke loose in a fury, a raging torrent of words,  and then formed to a more meaningful river,,,

now?  i am still here.  Still going there. 

One day,,, one breath,,,, one decision.... one at a time.

Janet M. Olsen
~J~