As The Lights Go Out In Georgia

Dallas, TX (This time last year, I was hiding under a bridge to shield my satellite location from JayJ)

It has been a long, slow, fast week. Realizing, that makes no sense. Being under the weather, it seems the time drags by. Each beat of my heart, or flash of pain takes an eternity to pass.

Yet, I was just in Cooper City, enjoying the luxurious hotel. Not only king bed, hot tub etc.  But the thing had GLASS glasses instead of plastic!!  WOW!!

Anyway, since I have been such a slacker at work this week, I chose to stay out OTR this weekend. Tonight, I sit on the outside of a Sears building in Hinesville, GA (Ft. Stewert). The alley to be exact. I arrived about an hour ago.  As I defuse to begin a night of resting, I am sitting here playing Tim Janis, "Water's Edge" cd with Alchemy for soothing visualizations.  The neighboring businesses are turning off their lights, one by one. It's now 10:30pm. The sidewalks are rolling up.

Really surprised during my rural drive tonight how FEW homes or businesses are decorated for Christmas.  Not many lights at all.  I have a tiny fiber optic tree, but it is in storage. I kept thinking I would get back there.

Oh well. Not much in the spirit.  If I were purely selfish, I would say my personal Christmas gift wish list for me would have Top 3 as 1-Health 2- Family 3- Home.   See?  I think too much about myself. When I should be reaching out, giving to others.  Who have I dwindled to becoming?

I am feeling "lost" lately.  Like a boulder roaring down a canyon side. Out of control.  So much I have no effect over. This is scaring the heck out of me.  I am racing down a path that is so bumpy and twisty.  My headlight switch says they are on and functioning, but I can only see a few feet in front of me.  Just enough to see an obstacle at the moment of impact as I smash into it.  Forget knowing what is around the next bend.  I am as lost as a sugar ant in a snow storm.

I think I am supposed to be grateful for the change,, or sitting back, enjoying the trip?? Sorry!  Not to that point yet! I crave,,,,,  roots, stability, home, love, health. Selfish ... sigh.

Thankful for internet friends, family, social networking and for my POCC family.  They made November so special, and way less painful than holidays usually are. Christmas? So much is unknown day to day in my lifestyle and job.  I don't know where I will be or if I dare to make plans?

Secret wishes for how I would like this year's season to play out. Still, little control over the actuality.

First day back to real work all week.  I thought maybe a relatively short 300 miles day? Mentally prepared my fortitude for that 6-7 hours.  Hmmmm.. 478 miles and 14 hours work later???  I am beat,, still weak and in  severe fever. It's in my back again, the most miserable of all, because then it affects my breathing.  Labored and shallow.

I'm not down though, just treading water, Keeping my head and chin up.  Looking for chances to sing - I did that several hours today.  Opportunities to laugh?  Every time I turn around!  If I am not dancing? I am hearing beats that make me wish I were.

Hoping a good night's rest will make me even stronger for tomorrow?

Good night, and may your dreams be full of light, joy, peace, and contentment.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~