Where Are Those Elusive ZZzzzzS?

For one reason or another, I have not been on the blog to write deeply in awhile.


When it comes to Angel and Aaron? My words get jammed up. Stuck somewhere between bile in my stomach and an ache in my heart. My opportunity to exercise and grow in my LOVE, GRATITUDE, AND FORGIVENESS.

Work has been awesome!! I certainly know that today could be a feast, and tomorrow a famine! At the moment, I am making more miles per week than my brother with his 15 yrs driving experience. Also, I make 3.5 cents per mile MORE than he does!

My only complaint, if it that is even the negative word for it? Is that somehow I got flipped to driving the night shift. I have been asking to get solar -powered again. Now that it is the weekend? I am going to take this opportunity of less staff in the offices and I am going to bed in a few minutes (4pm) and not getting up until I wake up on my own!!!! Sometime Sunday :)

I have a huge amount of wishes, hopes, and dreams percolating right now. Yet, I am not writing much at all, anywhere. Still here. Just waiting... on inspiration. On release. On Relief. On clarity.

Meanwhile, I reach out to others. Both for my own support and to bounce ideas with me. And I reach out to others. Often, people are seeking me. Which is fine too. I am flowing as the Spirit directs and remaining open to the incoming and outgoing flow of energy and inspiration.

Remaining grateful for friends, family, and loved ones that pray with me, that ride vicariously with me OTR, and that Journey this crazy thing we call LIFE with me. I am very blessed. Abundantly.

My desire is to serve and love others with all I have within me.

Let it be, Lord, let it be.
Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Not Much Of A Torrent After All

Does anybody notice when a pebble skims into the river?
 Or the dead body floating downstream?

(typing at midnight, eastern time, Sunrise, FL.  Sitting with my laptop balanced on the steering wheel of my semi truck "apartment". Windows down, chilly breeze carresseing my skin,, loving my soft thin flannel pajamas,,, some very gentle jazz,,, scents of the sprinklers and FL mixed bag aromas.... )

Just in the few minutes it took me to drive from Weston Publix to where I swap my car in Sunrise,and get back into my truck to sleep, I have run out of steam. Depressing,, I bought portions "for one"... maybe 16 oz of milk? 10 oz of meat?  Happy they have a great organic section.  Fresh bottle of Bragg's ACV,,, I also got lemon juice earlier today(drink it plain), fresh fruits, new supply of sour milk to chill and eat, I mean, yougart,,,and a few specific targetted herbal teas.... Drove by my most recent old apartment in Weston. I'm sure it has new tenants by now. I have been living in my truck since August. Thinking of my old roommate..

Now, I'm left with just disjointed fragments of the thoughts and pain I am in today.....  no one knows just how shattered and broken I am inside. I do believe it is a good place to be.. if I can just see the course,, and let God do the work he is so dilegently pursuing.

BUT OH MY GOD I HURT inside,, and with ALL MY BEING I WANT TO STOP THE PAIN...even if it means circumventing the "PROCESS" I am just so sore, and so wore out,, ,, I have literally cried all day,, from the beginning before dawn until this very minute. So  glad computer screens do not get run marks... Even in midday when I had to take the load on to Miami??? I cried then too. Most of it was weeping and anguish of deepest soul and heart.

I know why,,, I know what is up... I know what is going on.... I am just powerless to stem the tide or change the current.  I MUST ALLOW THIS SEASON ,,, for it has a lesson in it for me...but  I HURT,,, and sooo glad no one reads this.... it's the Good- Bye note no one ever finds, when the person takes their ink written notepaper and tucks it into their pocket before jumping off  a towering bridge into the frigid churning black waters below...

Several snapshots of today,,,, D,, bless her,,, imitating me.... she tried so hard,,, she only made me cry harder when she put her hand on my forehead to pray,, like i do to her.  She was at a loss,,, kinda cute, kept rubbing my back like I was one of the kids with a tummy ache,,,  kept telling me to not "blame myself" ,,,

((You gotta love Pentecostals in the altar,,, often times there's one person on each side ... one yells "HOLD ON!!"  and in the other ear one yells "TURN LOOSE"....))  done messed up that dude inside.

I always get cracked up and FRUSTRATED when well-meaning people THINK they know why I am in travail,, and say things like "stop beating your self up"  or whatever,,

STOP JUDGING ME, DAMNIT!!!!

Ever think??? Maybe my ANGUISH ISN'T EVEN ** ABOUT ME** ????

So here's precious D,, telling me we should go out to eat,, even if I have to go to work, I gotta get food first,,, she was clutching at straws,,, GOD DID NOT ENLIGHTEN HER ,,, and I could not,, ,WOULD NOT tell her any specific thing to agree in prayer with me on....  God tells me what to pray for others,,, She tried,,, and I appreciate her for it, even while wishing she would move on. She even followed me to the ladies room,, I had cried so hard I was trying not to be sick,, and well,, just   " Bless her LORD,,, Open her to the potential you have for her".Even in my own hurt, I worried she was taking my aloofness as personal rejection of her?? God I don't want to hurt another,,, but I didn't have it in me to play a role today. Forgive me?

And R A.,, with the beautiful glory of hair,,, she was worried,, she sat silent,, the best way to be at a time like I was in....  I SCARED HER TOO... she left,, when she came back she had brought me a plastic glass of cold water,,, I looked at it,, grateful,, but knew I was shaking too hard,,  I sighed i couldn't hold it,, and OMG R held the glass of water to my lips for me to drink of it,, to settle down...  I felt like a child...

I do feel that way...


I would have to say the greatest gift of all that was given in person, ,was the older lady saint, C,  (IN THE FUSCHIA TOP), she came up beside me with a "shimmy and c'mere girl" approach,,

 All i saw was a mother - figure that loves me,, and OMG she held me,, i didn't mean to cry then,,,,surely I will reach the end of this bottomless well of tears SOON??

 but I have wanted to be held ,,, i have been soo alone,, and I do not have love with my own mother,,, C held me "just right'.... and even when I pulled away,, probably 4 or 5 times,, I had no strength... and she stayed by by side,, I kept laying my head on her bosom...Wracked with fresh sobs and torments...

My thin strand of self-control was almost snapped asunder when C placed her hand on my heart and began to pray in the Holy Ghost over my heart.  She got the "closest" to the "right" need today... She asked me "who has broken your heart?"  as if she wanted the juicy gossip as if I were going to say I had been with a man or something.  She wasn't close at all then, lol.

"Nurturing" hold....  OH,,, how i wish i had that with my own mom...  a surrogate will do.. at Publix I have bought C a thank you card,,, and will leave it at the church office for her on Monday.

I know,, I believe,, I receive that a few specific people prayed for me,,, were concerned, but chose to stay apart, and pray from a distance.  They are the PERCEPTIVE ones,, the ones that GOD directs and gives the words to pray when I can not,,, not every thing has to be "laying on of hands",, although,, open to whatever God has.  Just know?? I recognize there is more of a force and that I was being prayed for. Thank you,,, And forgive me, please, I am sorry I texted so late.

I guess I fully intended to confess here in the privacy of the blog, to open up and really spill my heart,,, my guts are just pulled all out,, eviscerated, ,,but I am weary of it all... and so,, no,, I will not be telling why or what had me crying so much today...

I ccan say, I am not out of the woods yet.  I seriously hope GOD really is ALL THOSE "OMNI'S"  that we teach,, becasue I am in my truck alone and still broken.

Flat tire on my car when I got here to switch up at 10:30am and get to church,, and it was flat again when I came back after delivering in Miami  at 5:30pm this afternoon.  Added a "large car" can  size of Fix-A-Flat,,, and still had to add 20 psi of air.  I don;t have money to replace it,, and am not here on weekdays to get it done. So,, It will sit here in Sunrise seeping out all week,, and next Saturday,, for the 3rd time in a row, I will ahve to add Fix A Flat jsut to get to church.

all talked out,, got soft jazz playing,, ate a little something jsut so i could take my meds...176/ 104 ( almost low for me, lol) pulse at 92... Options of ways to lower all of the races... ok.

Today while grocery shopping in Miami Wal-Mart, I bought blank index cards, loose leaf notebook paper and folders.  I already began 2 new journals lately and was using one of them with the "exercises". Count me IN, though, so I assembled the tools suggested.

 its been a long life, I'm going to lay down.. AND PRAY i dont awaken screaming... that is getting really REALLY OLD!
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
both photos included in complete Picasa Web albums for further viewing of associated photographs.

Is There Any Calgon In That Suitcase? Please, Take Me Away!

Listening to: "In The Arms Of The Angels" Sarah McLaughlin,,,and "Wild Thing" Tone Loc... kinda alllll over the place, dontcha think??  UGH!!!!

Been a very busy last few days.Alot of decisions to make.When it came right down to it?

 I chose to live my life among the living. 

I am going through with my plans to go see Alisha and my grandson.  Jeremiah turned 7 months old today, and I will get to meet the little dude for the first time in just a few short hours from right now, mark time, MARCH!

I am a list-maker.  So,, all this uncertainty,, all this hotwire, expedia, priceline, orbitz, direct websites and 1-800 numbers is giving me a colossal headache!!  Where you shave a penny here, it cost you a nickel in the fine print!!  I finally sat down just a few minutes ago, determined to not get up until I had a rental car reserved!!!!!!!   Aiyiyiyiyi YI YI YI!!

   Angel, I have joined you among the procrastinator ranks this time, Baby!  And btw,, i am uncomfortable with every second of it,, so,, don't look to pull me down into YOUR bucket, little Crab,, come up to the LIGHT!  Lol, j/k, love ya, Bugs!  Thanks for holding my arms up in battle, my little Warrior Dove!  The pay off is near at hand, my love!

Not much of a gal that gets out on vacation types very often?? I have no real idea how to navigate all those tools.  I decided to just go direct. That's what I did over a month ago when I bought my airline ticket from Southwest.

 It creeps me out to give my credit card number over the internet,, and let the fickle Finger Of Fate choose the merchant, location and ware for me!!  I opted for a slightly mid-size car,,, even though it will only be my daughter, the baby, and I?  And my suitcase??? this gives room for strollers, diaper bags,, and all the loot Jeremiah is about to score from his soft NanaJ - wry laugh!!!

I worked several days extra on this paycheck,, just so I CAN load his wagon!  It has been hard not to buy him gifts as I see them,, when I would have to pay shipping or luggage... sooooo,,, with supreme self-control, I am going to wait!  And take Momma and baby shopping together.

To be honest??? I don't even know what size he wears? What is his bedroom decorated like?  What does his mom and dad enjoy these days???

People??? I haven't even seen Alisha in THREE years...  from 18-21,,, I am sure she has changed.

I know I have :)

Then there's the small matter of where to sleep??? I want to just sleep in the car,, like I do my truck.  I think Pastor would not agree,,, as a matter of fact,, he counselled against it.  LOL. Tony, Alisha's husband,, will not let me in thier home.  So,,, any visiting will be done in a hotel, or out in town.  Reckon I will get a room...

In the words of the buzzards in Jungle Book, "Let's not start that again!!  Reservations??   PLEASE  my pea brain is maxxed out!!

I am just so grateful for this gift ,,, time and opportunity.  How wonderful the day when Alisha emailed me asking for my phone number.  I was training a new student, when we got stuck in New Mexico in a flash blizzard that closed I-40 for 4 days last January. Then THE CALL came in,, from a number I didnt recognize,, and a tearful, quivering voice on the other end, said, "Mommy?"

We cried that day, my girl and I,,, as I am crying now,, with washing tears of both relief and joy. 

I had faith that if I just waited for her,, and prayed,, and waited,,, and prayed,, and waited,,, that ONE day,,,

and it was worth it in the end to hear that ONE word - Mommy?

I had forgiven Alisha and Tony mere days after the split 3 years ago.

But I forgave myself with the mention of my name by my Happy Dancer.

OH!! What peace.... what release,,,,  what HOPE...

So here I am,,, under 24 hours from arriving in her town,, looking for a silly hotel to throw my money away to,,,,  not sure if I wil get to see her then?  If she will ask me to her job?  Or if we will first meet on Saturday?

I have a hope.... I need a few minutes with just Alisha,, without Jeremiah in her arms...  OMG I have got to hold her and look in her eyes and SEE and LET HER SEE my love,,,, I just have to!! It's been too long.

Then, throughout the weekend,, I need to be alone with Jeremiah,, just 5 minutes,, to annoint and pray over him, to give angels charge over him,, to instruct him to always love and honor and cherish both his mom and his dad forever.

So distracted at work today??? I ended up with THREE blue ink pens in my jeans back pocket and THREE pairs of sunglasses on my head!!! 

I slept 12 hours last night,, I could so easy go to bed right now,,, give in to the sad tears for my friend, the grateful tears for Angel, Alisha, Jeremiah and I ....  pray and just go to sleep.... I think a good sleep will be a GREAT start for this adventure!!!

I have less fever in my joints today.  It's been almost 3 weeks since I had those abominable injections and associated nausea.  No idea what my BP is,, but I can tell it is NOT at critical mass..

Instead, I am limp in heart and body.  Yawning with my mouth and my mind.

ii John v. 12- Having many things to write unto you, I would not write with paper and ink: but I trust to come unto you, and speak face to face, that our joy may be full.

Yearning, dreaming, thanking,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
Ecclesiastes 3 The GRATITUDE- inducing verses highlighted in BLUE!

1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; (well HALLELUJAH FOR THESE TWO TIMES!!!))
5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

I Need Gills Instead Of Lungs

Truly, that is how I feel so much of the time.  I don't belong here, in the air breathing landlocked environment.  The places I find the most wonder, relief on my joints and pains, and the least damn thought,, is at depth, tank on, as close to the ocean floor as possible.  Just sitting. Reclining, Prone.Laying on my back, watching my bubbles rise, shimmer, and pop.  Breathing in slowly, exhaling twice as slow. Working diligently to make my tank last as long as I can.  All the while, knowing, my time in peace is measured, literally by the breaths I expend. The tank holds a finite amount of supply. My time at depth, in my own world, will come to a close. Too soon.

Then I will be forced to ascend.  It's not enough that a diver must ascend slowly to release nitrogen build up in their tissues (decompression). No, I rise reluctantly emotionally. The last 15 feet before breaking the surface and searching for the boat? The ocean surge builds to a wild crescendo, and I am once again, tossed about. To and fro, with no control over where the push or pull takes me. Tides, moons, weather, physics, it all pulls and demands and insists that THEIR voice be heard!!  Pick ME they scream in the cacophony clamoring in my head!

Immediately upon emerging into the "air"?  The fight to find a way to breathe clear air begins.  Either I saved sufficient P.S.I. of air in my tank for this period of getting back on the boat?  Or I must trust a snorkel, which is constantly being swamped by waves of salt & brine. Knowing that this stage exists?? Makes me nervous to even plan a dive, travel to a site, begin to suit up, check the equipment, jump off a perfectly good boat in to 60 feet or more of heaving seas,,, and to TRUST the fact that if I can JUST get to 15 feet of depth?? The surge is almost non-existent. I can then navigate N,S,E,W and find my happy place. I can remember to breathe properly and relax, totally LOST in a world of wonder and awe and ever-changing glory of God's creation.

Like with most aspects of my life, I charge the trepidations head-on. Nervous or not, I shrug, gear up, and dive anyway. Most of the time, the rewards outweigh the risks.

So much color! So much LIFE!  So many little sounds,,, the clicking of the shrimp, the churning of propellers,  the rustle of metal dive gear scraping in a foreign land.  The sound of my own blood pulsing.

It is what is missing that makes this so wonderful.  No conversation.  No media. No electronics (past the dive computer).  No yesterday, No tomorrow. No pain in my body after I equalize the changing pressures at depth.  Then, for me,,,, no inner dialogue. Absence of churning thoughts. A focus on surviving safely in a "hostile" environment, and a relaxation to just "BE" one with the ebb and flow of LIFE all around me. 

I lost a dear friend last night.  Too young, too soon. Senseless.  That she feared most to be alone, and died alone? Crushes my heart.  I failed her. I failed me. I failed her family.  She died in her own worst nightmare. Alone.

She wrote me a note. She tried to set my mind to ease. Instead, she left me more questions. Immense pain.  Overwhelming loss. Deafening silence of her voice. Forever.

Forever. Oh my God how that hurts.

I had felt in my spirit that something was wrong.  I felt the call to travail. To anguish.  I prayed. I felt ineffective with my own words, because at that moment, I didn't know the need, just that there was one. God has a sense of humor. He created me to be intense and passionate.  Prayer is no different for me, it is a 200% whole-body experience!!  Funny joke, God, that my altar is so often while I am at work, driving, trapped behind the wheel.

 I didn't get release from God this time. I stopped praying when I was expended, but didn't feel closure of the matter.

Then I find out why. My friend killed herself.

All day today I have been so at a loss to reach out.  Trust me, I think I am pretty pleased that I have a few internet friends, a few church friends, fewer family..... until the time comes when I really wanted to be held and reassured. then all of that felt shallow and made me question why I let anyone in my world at all. Ever?

In person, people hurt you. In the anonymity of the internet, emails, blogs, books, media, there is just no real human touch.  I was completely crushed by that separation and void today. I both fear people and their touch and crave it, need it all at the same time.  And that weakness of me, just pisses me off.

Suddenly, the euphoria I was bubbling along towards my Friday trip to reunite with Alisha, was tempered first by the unshakable sense that something was wrong, that pain was ahead. Then by the reality of a phone call and a letter to me.

I failed to make a difference for my friend. I let her down. She died alone.

Hell, I live that way. It's Life for me. But she had tried Sunday to tell me how uncomfortable she was in her family, in her environment. I listened, I asked her questions, I gave her the best thoughts and guidance that I know.... she answered her questions for herself. She ended her life.

So, today I had to choose.  Forego my trip to Colorado, and risk losing Alisha again, perhaps forever?

Or stay behind and attend a funeral? Face the friends and family, her daughters and let them see me as the failure I am?

Just the sadness of loss alone, was enough to render me unable to drive or work.  I was getting truck maintenance, and the staff were so concerned by my grief and stage of distress, that they found another truck, gave me the keys, and encouraged me to take my clothes, and sleeping bag in there. They thought I needed sleep. Which, physically, yeah, I am at the end of myself. I needed sleep.  But I ended up crying. Praying. Yelling. Crying.... a lot of crying.

If I lived at a physical address like my driver's license proclaims?  I would have called out sick. Frumpy housewife attire of fuzzy comfy bathrobe, box of Puffs tissues in one hand, cup of herbal hot tea in another. Lavendar aroma  to soothe, instrumental, soul-taming music soft in the periphery....

On trucks, though?  At the end of the day, an angel unawares came to me.  Israel walked up to me and said he had a word from God to me.  It was the story of King David, after he had sinned with Bathsheba. The prophet had come to him, through a parable described a theft and crime. David himself spoke of vengeance.

He was that man,,,, his child was to die.  He fasted, prayed, and abased himself.  To the point where his people feared for his sanity. Then the child DID die.  When he got the word, he arose, washed, and clothed himself.

When asked why? He said, "I cannot bring him back. But I can go to him one day."

Israel told me I am to "GO, among the living, while there is yet time".

So, I have made a tough decision.  I am still flying to Colorado on Friday.

Once the decision was made, I went to sleep.

The word came next, that it wont be a funeral after all.Rather she will be cremated, and a memorial service at another time. So, I made the choice, which was confirmed by this. It wasn't easy though.

So, I slept again. I fall asleep crying. I awaken, crying. So sad. So hurt. So lost. So in pain of heart, mind, body, spirit, soul. Such loss.

I began to drive around 11pm. There are several meteor showers a year that I faithfully attend and tell everyone I can think of about. Pathetic, but I think if even one person sees the same sky, as vast as it is, separated by miles and time zones? That perhaps, there is a spirit connection and i am not alone after all.

Alone? I really resonate with my friend. And am fighting the depth of despair and crushing hopelessness. Like my friend, I am alone in a room full of people. In a church, in a classroom, in a home.

The "GIFTS" within me keep me so different, and very isolated,

Curses, sometimes,,, that's what they seem like to me.

I spent time thinking of HOW she died, her method of taking her own life. Her letters to people. The scenario, who found her. Who knows she is dead?

Unbidden, yet insidious, the thoughts churn in me.  I won't leave a note if I choose to leave this world. I won't make a mess. I won't be found by my children. I won't be a burden to them.

If I do it, it will look like an accident.  Everyone knows I use ice blocks for pain management. It would be as simple as "trying" dry ice,,,, noxious in enclosed spaces like my rig! Death is peaceful,,, you just go to sleep.

Life insurance will pay out.  The girls can be sorry I am gone, but not in anguish as to WHY ... 

yet, I have had thoughts of suicide off and on since a teenager.  Tried more than once.  The last time was last year. I had taken steps to ensure I would be left alone long enough, that there would be no resuscitation.

BUT GOD.... he allowed me to sleep soundly 3 hours,, before he himself woke me up.

Israel also told me God had verses for me. Romans chapter 8,,,, I cannot choose to take myself from this life. Not until God lets me go. In his word, he explains that he will not do that.

What about my friend? Did he let her go? We have self-will.

Too many questions.

So, as I drive southward to Miami for an 0800 delivery, the eastern sky is dark, the moon shifted already. I see an Orionid meteor.

Funny, i love colors and Kodak moments.  But sunsets and sunrises are products of environmental pollutions.  And meteor showers are the earth passing through a comet debris field,, not falling stars as we so glamorously proclaim.  Thanks, Nanci, I will never think of "comet debris field" without seeing in my mind the words you typed "comet $heeeet...."  LOL.. comet poop. Well alrighty then. Pollution, in other words.

http://earthsky.org/astronomy-essentials/earthskys-meteor-shower-guide

Yet I drive through the darkest of nights,, looking diligently for a "falling star" or the coveted and rare EARTHGRAZER (thank you, Zig Ziglar!).  And I wait earnestly, hopeful for sunrise. Then because of my job and lifestyle?? I end up seeing the sun set later in that 24 hours as well.

I have no tidy end to this note.  Out of words at the moment, yet, I know I have not made a dent in my pain, or made the least bit of sense or reason. To you the reader, or to myself.

So lost. So sad. So hurt. So alone. So,,,,,,, in pain. Whether lungs or gills? Breathing hurts me right now,, because it means I am alive to draw it,, and my friend is not. Ever.

Crushed and hurting,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
spellcheck isnt working and frankly my dear, i dont give a damn
Romans, portion of chapter 8:
35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

36 As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.
37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Slowing Down To Live

I just photographed a scary hour of my being "LOST" in my semi truck,,, the road got narrower,, and finally the pavement ran out. It became red GA clay! That kind of experience and my joy to try new things leads to my book title "No Wrong Turns" ,,,,, just roads I haven't tried yet!!! Perfect example! The original was a solo motorcycle ride in Central Florida. New photos coming to Facebook!

The roads I was lost on had names, but no road signs. Edges, but no shoulders. Hardtop, but no pavement. It was fun!
The Fall air is gentle and cool.  I like cool temps. Great for camping in a tent, hiking, fishing, just enjoying Creation!  Today I wore a lightweight long sleeve jersey, just to FEEL the fabric on my skin after a humid SoFL summer.

THREE ROADS DIVERGED IN A GEORGIA PINEY WOODS, AND I?

I TOOK THE ONE BEST TO TRAVEL BY!

exquisite day of passion and inspiration!!

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Everything in Georgia is running slow today, slow motion, speed of snail,, torturous turtle,,

Like the semi truck that was looking in to the glare of early eastern sunrise,, that he got blinded and ran his red light,,,, in slow motion, I saw us about to hit T-bone as I went through the green... my slowing down, and him slammiing on his brakes... averted the crash.

Angel is much better! YES! Pleased with her that she took yesterday and today out of class.. she was sick 2 weeks ago, and went back the next day she felt better... this time,, along with the ENT side of it,, she got the flu too!!!

She has had ruptured eardrums before,, so I am just glad to hear the congestion and fever is moving on. Bless her for taking the time off to recuperate!!!

I teased her, that even though she has not made time to meet up with me the last 2 times I went through tampa,, that somehow the little monkey still gave me her cold or flu or whatever. I am not claiming either... just pouring in the vitamins, tea, supplements, Airborne, and today had to add a cold remedy jsut to stay rolling.
Then as I rolled west of Albany, GA,,, on US-82.... I came upon a REAL TREAT to me!!! A Hardees in the middle of NO-Where with truck parking!!!! A rare find!! They were actually one of my first jobs in high school,, only back then they were called Poppa Jay's and served fresh fried chicken and peach cobbler.

So even though they were slow as Christmas and I can not taste anything,. just for the happy time the finding of a Hardees during breakfast hours with truck parking?? I stopped.... just for the heck of it.

Sure hoping I roll fast enough to Jasper before my clock runs out! If it is meant to be?? What will be, will be.

Today is shaping up,,, and if I dont get to see my folks?? well,, heaven knows,, my body could use a dead-to-the-world GREAT SLEEP!!!

Jan

Banks Are Overflowing

I was in wal-mart getting fresh sunscreen when I got a text that cheered my whole day. My next stop was to be the hotel by the beach. Was going to go ahead and rent it so I wouldn't be paying parking meters elsewhere paying double duty.

 The text was from the family that has my dog, Addy. It specifically asked "would you like to stay here in Noah's room for FREE?" This is a minimum savings of $100 for two nights in a hotel. I don't need much. Shower, bed, and Addy-O.

While at the beach, I went into the water up to my shoulders and just bobbed along. Cooling my inner core, taking stress off my joints. I could sleep or even live floating in the water!!!

On the shore, practiced deliberate deep breathing. Made me yawn! LOL... Liked it though. The more I do it,,,the more areas I seem to be able to expand...

Then I just FEEL the beach scene...the slick suntan oil, the fruity coconut smell, the drying wind. I put my lounger IN the ocean. Filtered the wet mud through my fingers and squeezed trying to hold a wave on the sand!

I have pretty feet and I enjoyed walking the lap line and noticing how the foot flexes in a step motion and curls into the sand as it rolls out of a step.

The age-old smooth worn shells, caused by friction and wear. The flock of pigeons cooing at my feet foraging.

I can hear single drops of spray....feel my hair lifting in the breeze. Burned my feet on the pavement like a preschooler. Swam some more =-) Snoozed.
Found a pair of Gucci sunglasses in the surf. Probably expensive, equalized by their freedom from their owner.

So, I breathed in deeply again, curious what was next. Not sure where Time will take me, but it's a wonderful ride!

Experiencing all that I can.
Jan M.Olsen

Sent Urom my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

Up and At 'Em

Well, I finally got 3 hours of sleep in the middle of the day, evening.  Then at 10:30pm, my alarm rang. I got up from a dead sleep to get dressed. The other driver would be here with my relay load any moment.

JUst the movement of vertigo from lying down to an upright position and I was sick all over the place!! Those medicines I take by injection each week are dastardly evil and often I can not take the anti-emitic if I am going to drive as it makes me drowsy.

On a scale of 1-10 the fever and pain tonight is a 7 or 8.

All my joints, not just my upper body are affected. 

Then I lay back down fully dressed.  Th edriver arrived about 11pm,, and I have been up fueling, connecting to the trailer, etc.  Very nauseous, alot of pain,,, fatigue.

this wil be a rough night.

I have been practicing better breathing and feeling skills.  Unfortunately,, not enough that they are the dominant habit yet.  I can't get a grip on the pain or queasy ness.

I have to drive 350 miles to Miami immediately.

The load, once dropped and hooked to an empty trailer, I will be going to Sunrise to my culdesac, park my rig, switch to my car, go to the church,, then most likely, go to the truck, climb in bed and sleep like Rip Van Winkle.

On a differing note- I did make the effort to breathe (deliberately) ,,, and while I do not feel cured, I did find strength to look UP!  The sky is clear, the stars very visible in all their formations.

I am grateful to be alive. at all.  Each day is a gift.  What will I give back in return?

My drive will consist of 6-7 hours of fervent prayers and interceding for others,,,,  through this God sustains me as well.  Focus wil be off of my body and its limitations, and on the greatness of allmighty, Sovereign God.

By concentrating on OTHERS  I will feel better, more blessed, more gratitude, and less of the infirmities of this mortal and weary flesh.

GOD WILL HEAL ME!

I am alive!!!! I am able to work!!  I am blessed with a job I love that seems tailored to my specific needs and schedule!!!!  I even showered before I lay down to nap, so I COULD just tuck and roll ,,, and the shower 3 days in a row>?>??  I am grateful for the running water and hot temperatures, ended by the cool rinse.

This is already tomorrow,, at 12:01am, Friday,, I start my workday,,,,

Blessed and honored to be alive.

Jan M. Olsen
~J~

Just Noticed :-)

Stepped outside to clear my head. Several agree, October Skies are magical. It's a few days yet until the Orionids peak.

Strolled fearlessly around the rest area in Longwood, FL.  Strangers are not the danger.  Friends, family, those that claim to love you are the threat to safety, security, and well-being.

Looking skyward, it's crisp and clear. Jupiter is prominent and shone in spite of the artificial lighting.

It's what I noticed when I wound my way back to my truck.  The engine had shut off!!!  That means the ambient temperature is between 72- 55 degrees.  I stood outside the door to my "mobile home" and took inventory,, I had jammed my hands inside my jeans pockets,, shoulders hunched, and was shivering!!

A side effect of being sick?  My body is becoming sensitive to outside elements.  Hot or cold to the touch often triggers a fever pain. Lately? The a/c blowing on my skin actually hurts,, burns like I'm on fire. Yet, I look forward to wintery temps and reasons to cuddle up in peace and solitude.

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  A night cool enough to sleep like a dream.  If only I could muster the energy to get into the bunk before my wall hits me.  Love love love the cold air to sleep in,,, as it gives me cause to snuggle and burrow and surround myself with warmth.

If at "home" a glass of wine, Yankee Candle -Midsummer's Night, and Tim Janis  cd softly lifting the air,,,,,

Will miss my Addy this winter.  Can't even let that thought linger very long.

Please, let me sleep deep and rest tonight.

Jan M. Olsen
~J~