To Coin A Phrase

Found this today in my old MySpace blog......  wow!!! THREE YEARS AGO!

I am remaining true to myself,,,, wow!!
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Dec 11, 2007


To Coin A Phrase

Current mood:blessed

The epic ....

What's in a word?

Cute phrases we pick up? One word missiles? Or one word of a healing nature? Nurture?

A lot of what I type next has a melancholy feel. Yet, that is not my current state of mind. Some of it is sent by way of an explanation, but then again a life well-lived warrants none. I jotted down bullets of ideas as I drove down the interstate in the New England states on Thanksgiving Day. Today, I do not feel the same echo of silence around me. But I wrote at a time when I felt isolated and a touch sorry for myself. There are some nuggets of truth though, and that is what I decided to share today.



"To Coin a Phrase"

11/22/07, Thanksgiving Day

            I have decided that Brer Rabbit was a wily one.  I am new to driving big rigs this year and feel very intimidated by the inherent dangers of driving on snow and ice.  Angel pointed out to me that this is not a foreign feeling for me this year.  I had to work hard throughout the process of getting my CDL to maintain my cool and my Can Do-attitude.  I was still sore from my bike wreck when it came to climbing in and out of the cab of the trucks.  Also learning to double shift and maneuver 10 gears every time a truck moved was taxing on injured bones and muscles.  I had bad habits to unlearn and new movements to memorize. A time or two I wondered aloud if I was making a mistake.  But, my grit prevailed and I determined to work it out. 

            The rewards were instantaneous.  I am driving for a company that is serious about training and the safety of its drivers through decent equipment and education.  Right away, just by flying Delta out of Orlando I saw new places, people, and things.  And OH! The adventures to date!  Of course, I can not photograph everything.  But I see wonders of nature and landscape that blow me away.

            To be honest, I am a bit homesick. Lonely perhaps. Nostalgic here on Thanksgiving. It's  not like I have many traditions left after my divorce and now empty nest.  I would be just as "alone" in my house and it would be as silent and void.  Each way has options such as more work to fill the hours.  Reaching out to those in need.  Making friends with the stillness and seeking the peace of the quiet.

            I did not cook huge meals even when at home. We all have strengths and that is not one of mine J. But I did not celebrate Thanksgiving as a big several day dinner event since 2000 and my divorce.  I think maybe we did a big dinner a time or two with Lewis. When the girls were home, they were growing up. They had to split time between their dad and I. Eventually, they had boyfriends and thus other families to share time with. A lot like it was as a newly married couple with young children.  Ole and I often spent holidays on the road traveling to visit our parents etc.  So dinner at my place is not what I miss.  In the last years, post-Lewis, the girls and I adapted.  We made the most of each moment that presents itself. We'd get dressed up and for a few hours go to a nice resteraunt etc.

            I usually worked extra shifts so folks with young kids and families could be together.  As I noted, my girls haven't been home for this holiday for years. This would have happened eventually anyway, but I admit it surprised me a year or two early. Then again, by definition of empty nest, I never would have been "ready".  This is merely factual.  As I drive this big rig today, I see motorists stranded on the side of the road and feel empathy for them.  That represents a loss of some kind.  They may be down to their last dime, and car repairs finish the devastation.  Not to mention, that connection and bond they were intending to fulfill with their loved one today.  I have a lot of blessings I know.  Think of the soldiers and other people of service.  There are the newly separated, divorced, widowed. And those sick or injured and their support network.  Many people unable to afford to celebrate and who may be struggling just to live day to day. For all that, I know my good report. That is why I wish to make it clear, I am not wallowing in self-pity. Merely reflecting.

           

            Here I find myself on Thanksgiving 2007 crossing the Hudson River and  the Tappan Zee bridge while a huge boat passes under me. Who'd a thunk this when I was a burned out night auditor scraping to get by? Florida has two seasons. Hot and Warm.  The north has two also. Winter and Construction.  This contributes to my mood today. I miss the South. The genteel and mellow ways that are absent in the hustle up north.  New England especially is a haughty breed and they cram the volume of Los Angeles into confining spaces, narrow roads and unfriendly exteriors.  The scenery though is amazing and is a redeeming factor.

            I have referred to myself as Florida Cracker.  Be sure, this is NOT a racial thing!!!   This is a frame of mind.  Carl Allen in Auburndale, Florida personified the Down Home of the South in his Cracker House resteraunt.  Here he reigns as king of bluegrasss.  And the memorabilia collected in that log cabin reflect a timelessness of simplicity.  Your food is served on sewing tables with real pedals still in evidence.  Your tea is served out of a mason jar and be confident, it is sweet and it is brewed, not instant out of a can. There the delicious catfish is served as it was meant to be with a side of grits brought to the table in a pan. The front porch going around the building has real wooden rockers not the cheap imitations sold at Cracker Barrel.  So if I align myself with the simple pleasures and laid back times you glimpse how I view my world.  It is a lot like the Biker Wave.  That phenomenon that when a biker, be it sports bike or cruiser, passes another, they salute with a lifted  hand  in greeting and acknowledgement.  A sense of brotherhood and camaraderie. This is absent up north and even when visitors travel to Florida for bikefests, the wave gets lost.   This contributes to the feeling of being a fish out of water.

            Remember the warmth and fun of Uncle Remus's tales on The Wonderful World of Disney? The foibles of the woodland creatures?  Like Brer Rabbit, I am learning to work the dispatch system of my company. "Please don't throw me in that briar patch. You can roast me, hang me, but please, whatever you do, don't throw me in that briar patch," he'd exclaim! And out of spite that's where he'd be flung. He'd shake off his bonds and LAFF! So here I am, in Texas having me a laffing spell. I crossed that beautiful corridor in Oregon of I-84 in the Columbia River Gorge 8 times in 4 days last month.  On the 8th  pass, I topped Cabbage Mountain eastbound to a winter wonderland. But to me, it was anything but wonderous, LOL! That extreme pure white snow and ice just freaked me out! It was visually sensational" but taxed my driving skills.  I begged to be brought to the south. Stevens did.  They sent me to Missouri.  As I breathed a sigh of relief? The next load sent me to where I am today steaming northward to a delivery in Assonet, Massachutesetts. From MA?  To Trenton, Ontario, CANADA via NEW YORK!

            Several people know from following me on my personal journey and self-explorations, I have had to work to conquer my spirit of fear.  I had to draw upon Gods Word.  Fear is not from God.  Neither is that feeling of isolation and frustration.  On my second trip into Canada I stopped in Michigan and bought myself a KJV Bible and new journal.  It was a change of mindset.  A conscious decision to stop complaining.  Quit giving into paralyzing fears of sliding and loss of control.  Angel chastised me.  She reminded me of my trepidations as I earned my CDL and also of how I was afraid to descend mountains loaded to 80,000 pounds, until one day I got under my semi with a guy trainer, and he showed me the brakes, and explained the mechanics of the transmission working to hold the engine in check from running away.  Then my trainer and I went down the mountain and at the bottom, I asked, "Was that ALL?!?" Now I approach with respect and security bred of knowledge and skill.  And Angel challenged me to do the same with snow and Ice.  I do have to say, having slid and wrecked on my bike?  I am not eager to repeat that loss of control.   I can recall several similar examples of this learning curve.  I panicked my first time SCUBA diving off the back of a perfectly good boat into heaving salt water.  But drew from Lewis' confidence in me and I linked arms with Mike, the dive guide, and I descended, locked eye to eye with Mike 60 feet to the ocean floor.  That day I sifted sand from the bottom of the ocean through my gloved hand in victory. Fear did not win a round then and has lost again.

            You guessed it. After a second stint in frozen Canada, I did not beg to be sent south. "Please don't throw me in that briar patch." And here I am today, sweating in the humidity in the south. Happily J

            Another issue I ponder?  Oh, and there are many.  I have nothing but time on my hands to dream and speculate in the confines and freedoms 24/7 of my truck cab.  Often in the wee hours of the night, while I satisfy  my wanderlust and curiousity of the world around me, part of me craves a home and a loved one. I am definitely enjoying new adventure and travel,  but part of me yearns for a home. For roots. For someone to share my life with.

            I still hunger for a friend. A companion. Specifically for a mate or lover to cuddle and touch. Someone dear to me to share the experience and journey with me.  A home to share. I am an affectionate person and I miss the security of lying with my head on my lovers shoulder.

            It seems I am standing at a crossroads in my life.  I am a wanderer who is realizing I am growing older.  As I near 40, I face a great life lived so far and questions as to my life ahead. I see it. Yet it looks like the sudden dense fog that blankets at dusk. I have trouble seeing through the mists surrounding me to the clear and right path ahead.  As for a companion? I still assert, he will have to be a special man.  One who is not intimidated by my strengths and diversity. He will have to be sound and confident in who he is so he is not threatened by our differences and similarities. I think a  fellow driver,,, yet the cab of a truck is a confined space. WHEW! You'd have to really and I do mean REALLY love and respect someone to share that tiny space. A plus if he shares my love of all things outdoors and water?  And I hope to one day ride a motorcycle again.  The guy doesn't have to fit into that mold. But by token, we need to both be secure enough to allow each other to be the man and woman we are.  And where we intersect?  That is a shared bliss. I do not think I will be content to drive OTR much longer.  I want roots.  A home. A love of my life.

            I can say with definite certainty that I unequivocally love Angel and Alisha as they are today. This goes deeper than just a mothers love.  It is an acknowledgement of the young women of integrity and high standards that they are and the women of purpose they are becoming. In this, I led by example, and I accept that I did a fine job as a parent.  I do still see them in my minds eye all ponytails and bounce, but I recognize and relate to them now as grown adults finding their way in this world of possibilities.  I cherish the friendship and bond we share.  And accept, that we each live our lives now, separate, yet crisscrossing.  I may have given them a nest to fly and launch from, but they gave me desire to fly and air to fill my wings.

            To sum it all up?  I have grown wise to enjoy the journey and self-discovery.  I have good days and bad, as we are all permitted to do.  But it is the decision to prosper from the knowledge gained that counts.  I am returning to my earlier ways of not sweating the petty stuff.  Through trial and error I gain skill and confidence with each new task.  I hunger for the touch and bond of a companion. I marvel at my nations people and vistas.  I seek roots and place to call home. I am less sentimental over "THINGS" such as keeping a house just because it is filled with reminders of my past life with my girls. And I need a spell of dancing like I do, when no one is watching me….

            Thank you for reading my missive. I am well.  I am blessed. I am an Over The Road truck driver.  Happy holidays and may you enjoy this time with your loved ones and prosper in the new year.

~JAN~