Sunset at Black Rocks Beach, San Diego, CA January 2009
Today was a laidback, do little day. Trucking is feast or famine. It was all about the WAITING and cancellation game. Trusting God has me in his sights. For instance, I had a load going to Sunrise, FL where my car is. It cancelled at 4:30pm. THEN I find out that I-95 sb is shut down in Orlando-area due to a wildfire! See??? God knows where I am, and what's best for me. Rest and time to JUST BE was a definite GIFT today.
Went back to the doctor for my weird fever and joint issues. Endured labs, tests, really dumb questions... Honestly, feel like it was a waste of time. The injections certainly wreak havoc on my tummy. In the words of a song by Martina McBride, "You can pour your soul out singin' / A song you believe in / That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang / Sing it anyway."... so here tonight on my truck, singing to the angels, to God, and to cheer myself. My neighbors will need therapy, but who am I? LOL.
At my ONE year anniversary of becoming an OTR truck driver and of having a career, I wrote a 12 page typed account. That letter is posted here on my blog. I did a much smaller letter at the second year anniv.
This year, July4th was the THIRD anniversary. I didn't remember writing specifically to commemorate THAT day. This past year, a season of LOSS and PAINFUL CONFUSION, losing the baby, the beatings, the rape, the giving up of being a TRAINER and MENTOR and Owner Operator with Stevens Transport out of Dallas, TX had played havoc with all of my health. My mind, my body, my soul,,,, yet, somehow it didn't quench this indomitable spirit that fights within me to shine forth.
Sunset at Black Rocks Beach, San Diego, CA January 2009
Waiting on another driver, I cleaned my truck out while I sang. We are to keep Trip Paperwork, Logs, etc for 3 weeks, then we can discard them. I had a cabinet with all of them since my hire date May 17, 2010. UGH!!! Included were the spiral notebooks I write Trip Dispatches in. I know me,, I write wherever I can find space, so before I chunked the old spirals I looked inside??
I FOUND AN 8 PAGE FRONT AND BACK HANDWRITTEN JOURNAL of my THIRD YEAR ANNIVERSARY highlights!!! I don't remember it, but there it was!!!
And it was a list of BLESSINGS of all I had DISCOVERED to that point in July 2010!!!!
Sometimes,, I amaze even myself. Of all I am not comfortable with- of all I don't have closure or peace with - of all the hurt and guilt I still carry --------- I wrote EIGHT PAGES (16) FULL OF BLESSINGS AND GRATITUDE!!!!!!
This past year, (year and half now) I had so much pain and loss,,, when I lost my baby, and my body was so broken and ill??? I wished sooo many times that I could die. Just let me go. Yet, BECAUSE of that vulnerability, I was extended love and grace, FIRST from GOD, then from Pastor Hattabaugh and the Warriors at POCC, and then slowly, as I heal and process,,,, it is beginning to come FROM me TO me also. That has only just begun in the last couple of months through amazing timing and gifts..
One thing I did toss out, that I may regret?? As an O/O I was used to keeping every scrap and receipt for income taxes for my Profit Loss Statement.... I just threw away things that I claimed last year. I was only an O/O up to Valentine's Day this year. I hope my lack of saving receipts doesn't bite me in the rear later???
Learning to meditate is so awesome. I can't say I am skilled at it. I am self-taught, so I am sure I can learn, learn, learn!!! I already pray and am very in touch with the Spirit-world,,, both of Good and of Evil. As an Intercessor I see and hear alot. But meditating has been good to first UN-focus me,,, then, RE-focus me. Kinda a WOW-Concept. I'm an odd bird, I get it :)
So mellow. Still very ill,,, very in pain. Very wore out in body, which has gone on so long now, my spirits get tapped too quickly. But I am in MAJOR chill back mode. The truck being straight and lighter??? Is really cool to me! Soon as I can get by my car,, more of the extra clothes etc are coming off.
My blessings are lined up like Warriors around me, like friends at a bonfire on the beach. I have my Tim Janis "Water's Edge" cd playing, I can hear the waves, smell the salt in the air, and feel the wind tossing my hair... as my memories, good and bad,, my blessings too many to categorize,,, talk softly around the glow of the driftwood fire. The annual November Taurid and Leonid meteors are zipping across the Eastern sky. It's a nice night, here with myself, in my truck :-)
Sunset at Black Rocks Beach, San Diego, CA January 2009
Thankful and dwelling in my Blessing Place,
Jan M. Olsen
~J~
No comments:
Post a Comment