To: Mark Hattabaugh
Subject: In an audible still voice of calm he dove into my sea
Date: Jun 20, 2008 11:28 AM
To the Breaking Down of Strongholds
I mentioned in an earlier email how I wish I could be in a place to attend Sunday services. I have culled my IPOD and I have been listening to the 3 Christian stations on my Sirius satellite radio. Familiarizing myself with today’s Contemporary Christian music, I also get a big kick out of the morning preachers and follow them regularly. I realize they may not be Oneness but all the theology or doctrine aside, they bring character studies that are better than the rock music I may play instead. There is one series that gave the word to what I needed.
One of the first things is that I want to tell you I appreciate you and men and women like you. So “you” here refers to a group of people that allow themselves to be sensitive vessels to the discernments and directions the Holy Ghost guides. When God says go pray with someone, sing this, say that, worship Him, you do it. I recognize that the happiness that earned you your nickname is God in you. I want what you have. Is that ok to admit?
It was you, Pastor Hattabaugh, that actually said the phrase that triggered my breakthrough back to God and the Holy Ghost. Sure, I posted a bright orange paper to my steering wheel marked “NEVER FORGET”, but it was something you said before the speaker came up. You talked briefly about the Potter and being put back on the wheel or something like that. This seemingly random, yet God inspired directive was meant for me. It impaled me to my seat like a spear doused in gasoline and set aflame. It burned and it hurt. I couldn’t wait for the speaker to * FINALLY * say the altars were open!!!!!!!! I knew in that instant, as my chest exploded that TONIGHT my self-constructed safety fortress had been hit by a mortar and was rubble.
And yet, there was still something missing. The roof was blown off , but like the walls of Jerico, it has taken time for the entire deliverance from my stronghold to reach fruition. I had been empty. And God instantaneously filled that place inside me. I know I have only yet re-entered an age-old spiritual battle for my soul. As I went forward, I am trying to behave the right way, etc. On the Sirius a ministry called In Touch by Dr. Charles Stanley started a new series June 18th. “Brokenness, the Way to Blessing”. Just the title and I had that whoa, here we go feeling. Yes, God has brought me through a lot. But at some point, ,,, I know when,,, I took myself off the Potter’s wheel, and I said to God, “Here, let me get myself together so I can be worth something to you, then I will come back to you and you can use me however you see fit.” I didn’t do it in rebellion or pride. It was in survival. At that moment, I constructed a layer of defense around my entire being – physical, emotional, spiritual, mental – everything. I did what I had to do to survive abuse and injury. I kept the abuse so close to my vest that I don’t think even people like you knew what I went home to when I left the campground or service. I musta been good at it.(not to say look at me,,,, more to say, no one saw me at all) I coached quizzing four years, went to Nationals twice, helped in the dorm at camp 3 or 4 years, all that, and no one noticed I was drowning. I think Bro. Boyd sensed something and I believe if Bro. Lipham had known the abuse beyond the infidelity, he would have taken my ex to hand himself.
June 18th message link , the beginning of the series and the one that touched me so deeply
http://www.intouch.org/site/c.dhKHIXPKIuE/b.2295509/k.9338/Audio_Archives.html
Dr. Stanley quickly told us to ask the question “What is it we are holding onto? What is holding us together”? Instantly, I was given the phrase by the Holy Ghost of *self-reliance*. I wrote it on the notebook I keep for just such reasons on my dash. And I circled it. Doggone if that wasn’t one of his first examples… talk about confirmation? Words that I use to describe me and my safety mechanisms, like determined, driven, etc. He said, “Holding on, I lose. Letting go, I win.” He said the listener may be feeling conviction over some area God has just zeroed in on, and it is written across our mind and circled in red. He was so right on the money I was looking around to see if he was in the rig with me, LOL.
I eagerly waited for today’s installment, but it passed in a blur. I was deep in thought. When Focus on the Family is over I switch to music channels. I began to pray the way I often do, just chatting with God. Then I heard a voice as audible as a conversation between two people could be, “ Turn it off.”
Startled me, so I was, “Yes, Sir, right away, Sir”.
God said, “Now, Let’s try this again. What were you saying just now?”
I really felt like I should be taking my shoes off or something, I was so definitely in God’s presence on holy ground. Driving no less.
What happened next is very personal and hard to tell in black and white text. I can say that I bet I alarmed passing motorists if they happened to look up and saw me weeping and talking aloud. I have been unable to cry, yet, here I was. I am driving an 80000 pound bomb. But God asked me not to stop driving yet. Hmm? I drove 1,800 miles from Denver, Co to Holcomb, KS, to Denver, PA in 3 ½ days. And God chose this moment at 11:05am on a Thursday to finish the work in me he began in Cooper City two weeks ago. Sigh,,,
Man, once the tear dam broke the night I prayed back through, there seems to be no relief in sight. Even now. Good thing screens don’t smear when a drop splashes on the words.
In a continuation of my repentance prayer two weeks ago at the altar, I told God how I was sorry I had ever walked away. I even got to the point for the very first time in my life,, I didn’t think this could happen, but I told God that as much as I love Angel and Alisha, if I never see them again, hear their voice, hug their neck,, if Alisha somehow doesn’t’ know how much I love her, if I never get to worship with them again, that I will still serve him. If it means I am alone in loving him, then let it be. I felt so free right then, it was amazing. I gave the girls and all my love for them,, to God. Whew…..
Need to fill in a gap right quick so the next part will make sense. I love my parents and I am at peace with them. But they both said something to me over the years that cut me to the quick. All my life growing up, I was a daddy’s girl. Around a bout junior high, he began telling me, “I love you, but I do not like you very much right now.” OH!! That defined how I saw myself. And my Mom told me a few years ago she was, “Proud of me”. That’s seems innocuous enough, right? But in context, it hurt and angered me. So all this is going on in my conversation with God today. How can my mom say she is proud of me? She doesn’t even **KNOW*** me !!!!!!!!!! She is proud because I didn’t go loose sleeping around or into drugs after my divorce like so many of my cousins did. She’s proud because I supported me and the girls I didn’t’ ask them for money at all. What the heck is that to be proud of? Proud because I worked harder not smarter? Give me a break!
It’s true, I didn’t get sexually loose. I had one boyfriend for 2 ½ years. He was the love of my life. But he was not Apostolic. So when he asked me two different times to marry him, even while I was out in the world, I said no, because I knew I couldn’t unequally yoke with him. Marriage to me is a forever thing, and I couldn’t commit when I knew he had no plan to surrender to God. I knew I would come back. I tried pot 4 times in my adult life and it made me sick as a dog each time. The fitness trainer and the two times I tried coke,, were the only other occasions. Otherwise, she was right, no one since my husband. That is largely because when Angel read Josh Harris’ book, “I Kiss Dating Goodbye” I read it too so we could talk about it. The part about giving pieces of yourself away perfectly describes the emptiness casual sex entails. I am perfectly normal, it doesn't mean I am without temptation. But spiritual bankruptcy is enough to bear on its own without personal void too.
Not too long ago, as my Dad hugged me bye after a visit, he whispered in my ear, “I know what I said about loving you but not liking you. I just want to say that I like you now.” Great…. It was… but …..
Here I was today, praying, surrendering,,, I’ve done all that before. Then God asked me, “Why aren’t you on the wheel?” Your words came back to me, And I had this light shine into my soul illuminating my every fear, every concern, every tear uncried,,,,, and I lost it. Running was over. I had to give an honest account. “I took myself off the wheel. I wanted you to be proud of me. I thought if I got strong, then you could shape what was left and then use me.” (not to say, see my works,,, not at all,,, that was NEVER it!) See, that used to be my regular prayer, in Auburndale, I prayed and visualized MANY times of God shaping me, molding me, squeezing me into a blob and starting over, refining me. I know the exact moment I committed my sin.
For me, it wasn’t enough to be loved. Dad could do that. I needed to be someone God could be proud of. Then he could love me for a reason. Ah,,,, I needed to fix myself and present myself to God because all I have ever wanted was to be God’s vessel, to serve, preferably quietly in the background. I wasn’t enough for my folks growing up. Wasn’t worth my Mom protecting me over and over and over again, couldn’t get it right with my Dad, Mom wasn’t even around, leaving me to raise Michael at too young an age while she went to college and worked and slept. They signed for me to marry at 16,,,, did they even care? I was bound by a silly Southern code of honor, “Don’t make mom cry.” I was six year s old,,, why did I have to have that job of protecting her?
Brokenness.
I want to be on the Potter’s wheel. I don’t want to be solely responsible for making life work all the time. That’s exhausting. And it’s never, ever, ever e-n-o-u-g-h.
God and I got this far in today’s conversation, kids, parents, potter’s wheels, the Past, my desire to serve….
I am very aware of my past. The mistakes I have made, the wrongs, abuses and hurts I encountered. But I am not afraid. I choose to see the good in people. And I only need those events to give me compassion, clarity when it comes to testifying how in spite of it all, God is able, present, and willing to be my savior, lover of my soul, father and groom. I am proof, God forgives a multitude of sins and loves us still. I stopped for a pit break. But I was still red from crying and people looked at me funny as I stood staring at the map. I stopped long enough to take another aspirin to push the headache just below nausea level and got back on the road. I was very close to my receiver.
At the altar last week one of the things God revealed to me was that he had been with me in every dark, painful event and moment. Every last one of them, he showed me one by one and let me see him there.
Today, He let me see him, he told me how it hurt him the day I said I was getting off the wheel that I needed to fix some things on my own. I told him I was so very sorry I had ever hurt him, rejected him. Only then did He allowed me to see himself. Oh Brother Hattabaugh, he was weeping with me over the years. Sometimes he did my crying for me when I couldn’t. Today? He caught my tears and let them roll across his palm.
One more time, just when I thought I was as limp as I could be, God audibly said, “And?”
And what, God?!?!?!
I pray all the time for God to prepare the boy for each of my girls, to start as children, and to prepare my girls to be who God has them to be as a mate. Sometimes, I even pray it for myself, God please be working on molding a guy for me, and me for him. I realize though, I am not allowed to remarry. Ole is on wife #3, but I am to be single.
What God asked me today was, if I would let him be enough? Forever. My everything. I thought that was a no-brainer. But he specified details ,,, he is to be my everything. Period. If it becomes “forever”? he still demands to be my all, my everything. End of discussion.
I am young, and full of life. This is a lot to ask. But I see now, what choice is there, really? This isn’t a multiple choice question with D being: I don’t like the above choices. There never has been option B,,, it was supposed to have been God all along. I had some repenting to do there too.
What could be an interminably lonely place for me? Just became very FULL! There’s no room in my life for another,,,, not even my girls … in a sense. That is very sobering and awe inspiring.
I am out of steam, so to sum it up, God allowed me to be broken until I came today to the knowledge and acceptance of who Jesus really is and of what it really means to be full of the spirit of God. He is stern though, he is to be the only one filling me and I can no longer be provider or protector. It has to be him, or nothing. There was no room for negotiation. I take all of him in me, and I cease to exist as Janet Marie Olsen, or he will not continue to settle with halfway. If he never uses me in service to him, if I never see or love my girls again, if I am to remain single until my last breath here on earth, I am now required to be Jesus’ only. To coin a phrase of the 70’s? “That’s heavy, man.”
All or nothing at all. Wow,,,
Jan Olsen
II John v.12
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