Do You See What I See?

Jax Yard

Sept. 30, 2010, midnite

Do you see what I see? Past, present, future in mere pixels and vistas.

Upon reaching my 40th birthday, I began in earnest to consider what my next 80 years would be like? Cliche to say "cry a little less, laugh a little more" as in he CW song.

This year, after a rough beginning to the second 40, I caught myself refer to my list of wishes, hopes, and dreams as my "Bucketlist".  Every time, I cringed. That suggests I am dying. Although, all humanity is expiring, I am in no hurry to hasten the progression or to spend too much of my valuable thought life dwelling on that eventuality.

This I know, there are still lessons to be learned from my Past. I haven't managed to let it go sufficiently. Therefore, it must be lingering as a resident teacher until its course of instruction is complete.

The Present is at a lulling time of complacent murmurings. I'm getting nowhere fast, but at least to my view, I'm not falling backwards at a rate to alarm me. This alone is forward progress.

The Future is bright. It beams of chance, hope, possibility, and new ground. The glow of the sun rising, always just ahead of me, calls me deeper. Goads me into pondering thought. Cheers me to a refreshing abandon bordering on the reckless.

There are a few words that I have heard voiced by others lately that strike deep into my core being. With a strumming resonance, they found their way into my own thinking. The first steps of action perhaps? Abide. Embrace. Endue. Breathe. Passion. Love.  The tuning fork has been struck and who knows when it will change its tune?

I can say just looking back one decade there were so many lifestyle changes already. Divorce. Relationship. love. Loss. Empty Nest. Work. Shift. Descent. Exploration. Decline.

One thing I absolutely will confess - I have not yet embraced not having a place to call home in any of its convoluted forms.

Another, is that I do not yet abide in Christ's presence or in peaceful harmony in my spirit.

At one time I described myself as a dynamic personality. Vivacious. Eager. Zestful. Intelligent. Questing. Curious. Hope-Full.

If I admit my heart and mind's condition today? I'm sluggish. Stagnant. Unfulfilled. Unguided. Disquieted. Scattered. Tossed. Sad.

A secret,,, lean in close... the rekindled relationship???  It is with myself... now move back,, let me breathe...

An old man in my church 80 + years old,, dances to the pulsating beat of our Island-style worship music in a way the belies his age and infirmities.  Yet, his 65 yr old daughter says, " he shuffles around  like Tim Conway at home."

Dammit!!! He dances!!!  As the spirit moves him?? He surrenders that hold this temporal places on us and transcends the boundaries we often place on ourself.

I want to dance. Like David danced. Uninhibited before the LORD. In a freedom of worship to his Creator. Expressions of humility to his King.

Dancing is not only  spiritual, passionate, or sensual,,, it is a release of whatever holds me in bondage. The fetters removed, a pair of socks and tennis shoes take on new purpose.

Yet, my body hurts and is fatigued. My cogs are worn, my joints in need of a squirt from the Tin Man's oil can.

My shoes are worn thin, not from dancing, but instead are frayed from work,,, and more work.

Work no longer fulfils me. Its is just a means to the end.  A trap,, never beginning, never ending,, never attaining.

Seems nothing adequately numbs my mind. No prevention of roiling thoughts. No relief from achy body, protesting my every move.

Substances. Circumstances. Religion. Education. Work. Exercise. play. love. I still think too much. Too deep.

Crisp clarity, but rambling.

Transparent, I am cursed to be an open book. No thought or emotion my own, I am broadcast clearly in HD to all who cares to see. If someone dare look behind the glow, they see the rolling thunder & chasm of no direction.

Do you see what I see?

Jan M. Olsen
~J~